Hi guys, it's Steve from the podcast and I just want a minute of
your time before we start the show to tell you about an exciting R rated
comedy fantasy adventure coming your way. It's Lizard versus Wizard in this magic,
flinging, fire breathing Quest for Vengeance O. The Last of the Giant Fire
Lizards, written and performed by Christopher John Feveroff, is available on audio now.
The very same Christopher John Faveroff, known as the voice of rickwalteries build
a Vampire. So you know you're in good hands. You can check out
a sample of this brand new adventure at www dot Giant Dashlizards dot com.
That's Giant Dashlizards dot com. If you're looking for some fun, fantasy,
chaotic madness, and we know you are, That's why you're here, then
check out The Last of the Giant Fire Lizards today, available on audiobook and
coming soon on ebook. John Well, he did the Gain. Join the
Questing is Charted, Join the icy basted Six writers face off the fire roll
of the dice Tale five Dirty, leaving nothing behind but figerpits and a tall
tale stealing cart's breaking fats with plenty of time take kill Icy f basts ten
pis always dicey, you know, the Cabby chasting Bastess. Come on and
join it, diicing faster. Hey, they're a and Devian's Junior Adventures and
friends. Welcome to episode three of Authors and Dragons Presents the Dice. My
name is M. K. Gibson Gibbie, your host and DM for today
authors such books as Villain's Role to Beat the Devil in others. But we're
not here for me. We're here for far, far better authors. So
let's start it off with Robert Bevan. Hello, friends, Robert Bevan here,
author of the Cambone and Creatures series of comedy fantasy novels and short stories.
Here, I play the role of Jorcer the Sorcerer, the Sorcerer with
the Moulcerer. Hey everyone, my name is Rick Walterieri, and I play
moog Faceater, an elf slash orc Eldritch Knight, who most certainly does not
talk like this in real life. I write several things including Bill the Dead
to mcbill and tales of the Crypto Hunter series, So go check it out.
I'm pretty sure there's not too many other Rick Walterier's out there writing shit,
Hey everybody. I'm Drew Hayes, author of books such as Superpowers and
PC's Fred the Vampire Accountant, and the five Minute Sherlock series, the latest
of which The Case of the Feloney's Fair, is available an audiobook and coming
out in print an ebooks soon. And while I'm here, I play Kabar
the Expedient, not just a reference to the speeds at which I speak,
but a reference to his speedy horse nature and his elegance with animals. Yeah.
I think that sum thems up pretty well. Hey, Hi, it's
Emily. I played Claudia, the rogue who wishes she only had a brain.
If you understand that, you are smart, or you listened to the
one episode or that's quiet smart, you're all smarty pants. I write mysteries
mostly. I have a new book, Arsenic and alibis out from Falstaff Books.
Go get that. And I think I am also writing some kind of
fairy porn with Rachel Carr. We'll see you think you're writing fairy porn.
Start, we'll come back to that. Got we got one more person.
It's surprised fairy porn. It's like I wrote this innocent story that I gave
it to Rachel. I just came back. It's just Dixon Wing. Oh
what a title. Dixon Wings. That is a hell of a title.
Hide there. I'm Steve Weverell, and I write books with titles nowhere near
as good as that. Check out the Doomsayer Journeys with Foulstaff books, and
I'll be playing Stan Dandyliver. Not quite the dashing swashbuckler he thinks he is,
but he used to be. He did used to be, didn't he?
All right? Greetings all. This is the continuing story of the Dicey
Bassar's, a makeshift team of misfits who very recently came together, but not
in that way. After selfishly refusing to provide his roommate and bedfellow, George
of the Sorcerer with a morning handy Jay, Stan went on to host an
audition for potentially for potential members for his growing crew. After ignoring the clearly
superior candidates, Jorcerer selected moog Uh, Claudia and Cobert to join join Stan's
team to form whatever they're calling themselves. But wanting to see how the new
crew would do in a scrap, Stan a sent bled a team of horrors
at the castrated ramp for a proper dust up. Within an impressive display of
magic, sneak attacks, bucket chucking, and one nearly broken hip, the
dicey bastards won the day. Stan eventually formed the crew that they need to
head south to the land astract them to the town of Blago Gulch to steal
the tooth of Timat. And that's where he picked up. Was Stan realizing
that the expedition costs money and he's nearly broke. And I just heard a
whole lot of words there, and I'm just hoping that eventually they makes sense.
Tooth Gulch and team of Horrores, Yes, Tooth Gulch and team of
horse. The room Azeurs, you are left sitting around a table in the
to the center right of the of the though crashlator Ram. Most of the
horse have like nursed their wounds. They've gone back to during their horror business.
Your one ship Mancer, he's off for the bathroom where you left him.
Uh there, I think you had hired another wizard to stand in the
north corner. I don't remember what he was the room for, but he's
just kind of way around for orders. Ship Mancer go and didn't put him
on the team. He's where he needs to be. All right, we'll
ignore the corner wizard. He's basically cheap it in a tall plant, so
that's what he's that for. Did you hear about that new end down the
street? Oh here they have two corner wizards. Oh that's nice. Stan
gave a lot of money to Trudy good Night, the surly bar back and
cook who has been working around the clock for the last few days, to
like get this place into a much better place in what Stan ever had it
or his or the guy used to own it, Old Willie Pete. So
you guys are sitting around the table and this is where you play catch up.
Mm okay. Now that I believe we left things quite triumphantly, I
don't know whether to bring the mood down with the harsh reality of the situation.
Yet I think we're all kind of having drinks and adventurer waits ha ha.
By the way, everybody, there will be no upfront payment for this
adventure slash mission. Well, move out of here. Don't wait, wait
wait, wait, now the payoff is exactly as described. It's just that
of the upfront cash we were interested with it turned out to free jewserers.
Cock was a lot more gold than I was expecting considering how free it is
normally. And well, I've made some let's say, uh, community investments
that freedom isn't free. Have question back up? Second, why are we
talking about sticky wizards? Dick? Well, I know you're new to the
team, but get used to that, my friend. I just think I
was like better now, better earlier than later. Move starting to regret life
choices. I will remind you, moog that every time, like right now,
the genda's in bed in the back of your hand has a slight vibration
whenever it kind of points towards the jorser whatever move's hand is pointing your general
direction, the ring around your base vibrates ever so slightly. Oh move not
pointing towards there. Ever, every time you moves has had there is crutch.
It just starts making a high speed jak of. I've never been so
glad to not have context for what's going on around my career. We don't
need context. Let's just move, I would say, uh, now,
there's probably you think, what is the reason that the famous Stan Dandy Liver
picked me over all those other really fine not shit candidates. And that's because
I look at you, guys, and I see people imbued with the spirit
of adventure and heroism, and I know that you won't be distracted as anything
so petty as a fair day rate. For example, how do you feel
about notoriety. I can pay you an exposure, Rosie walks up. We
still get paid right here. Talk to true. Yeah, that's all the
community community investment is going as planned. I can also pay you with exposure.
It's a different kind of exposure, but we do have a lot of
it. And Rosie, I will expose myself or any of my client or
any of my workers if you pay me. That's true. That's a separate
business venture. Please do approach any of the sex workers if you'd like to
see vagina slashcock. But that's besides the point, Rosie. You're being very
distracting. Are you subsidizing this brothel? Not subsidizing community investment? Right?
But the thing about brothels is they tend to make money. You weren't here
before, now you know? Then it's the classic It's a classic tale,
isn't it roped From the rich give to the needy. This is sort of
what's happening here? I have taken from the Rich and improved the Brothel.
Cobert, give me a quick history or survival roll your choice that will be
feel more confident with because you are because of your tour guide background. You
can do with advantage survival twenty one. Okay, So in this particular area
of the town of Galahad, you're familiar enough with it, you know the
ins and outs, you know some savory and unsavory people. But the location
specifically is a known as the Street of Mud, and this particular bar slash
brothel backs up to two tooth hook A rally. So when Stan was saying
things like you know, yeah, you should have seen it before, Like,
yeah, this place basically just loses money. You know, the fact
that Rosie is the horrors they have working here might be the finest in the
area. But that's not saying much. So it's more about losing money.
Would you say that the in is rich in garbage, scraps, molding,
old food, things that are often spoiled. Yes, if one man's trash
is another man's treasure, then we're rich as fuck, not men. But
perhaps uh yeah, if we I guess if we have a moment, Kabert
will step outside and just look for rats, especially if there are rats he
already knew. Yeah, go for it. Okay, you you walk outside
of the I'll put you out here on the out here where you were at
before. Give me another perception check. So you just got up and walked
away in the middle of us talking. I will assume I said one moment,
I need to use the facilities, like I'm out of here, motherfuckers,
And you know I have a horse bottom, So I'm just assuming I'm
not pissing the normal or well, he's also not sitting in normal chairs.
Yeah, that's right, he should probably piss outside. I don't think we
have to play mean capacity to handle that. Actually, if you look,
if you look on the bottom left corner of the map, that bathroom is
very spacious and it's got it's a horse bottom sized toilet. I don't I
built that specifically for larger than human sized toilets. Cabert did not think to
check there also actually going up to They don't make sense or pants, nor
would we wear them if they did. Would you cover the sun? Why
he's outside looking for rats? Is there anything that the inside of people want
to do. I will reiterate my point to move and Claudia, I will
say, well, the point is the payoff is big. It's going to
be huge. We've got a very powerful backer who we really shouldn't disappoint.
But the reason I picked you over those other fine individuals, each of them
with a useful talent and not a fucking weirdo, is because you look to
me like people who can think on their feet. You can scrape, get
out of a scrape when they're down on their luck. Is that is that
fair to say? Boss? I think I have the solution to our problems.
Brilliant solutions. That's what we need. Moog. He could learn from
this lady. That guy right there has a jewel on his hand, and
that guy right there has jewels on his jewels. So this is wealth.
Why aren't we using this to fund our adventures? Well, good question,
he does have jewels for Why is your cock still out? That's a good
question. Secondly, I'm trying to position it so that it's lining up with
thee of the table. I like to think that you point your wag towards
his hand, he moves his hand away. It's this game of like a
cat and wang. So yeah, the classic game of cat mook is getting
real close to hacking off his own hand. Well, I know that the
cock jewel is prying to explode if we mess with it too much. I'm
not I don't really know about the hand duel. I just thought that was
some kind of emo affectation. So if we chop off these appendages, will
they not explode or they will explode or we don't know. One definitely will
explode. One might. There's a real lady in the tiger situation here,
except with a cock and a hand. Okay, not together though, we
don't know the solution to this problem. Ye have me Let's keep down on
the table, Jocera, take your cock off the table please. Claudia will
nod in agreement, but she's still squinting at these appendages. Well, I
like to say, you know, this isn't the crisis. This is an
opportunity. Does anybody have any ideas, any schemes anyway we could make a
little bit of starting capital before our adventure. Stanley Trudy says from behind the
bar. Yes, Trudy, I know how you're going to make money to
do this, because I used to be an adventurer. So I have a
several have a possible solution for you. Well, uh, these fuckers aren't
giving me anything, so well why do we? We'll wait and see your
horse friend comes back inside, because I don't like to repeat myself. Did
you say a horse friend or whole friend? It's very yes, I don't
know what it is. I mean he could probably make good money here.
You know a lot of people want a horse dick, So that's true.
All right, So, I mean we really are fucked as a society when
you think about it. I mean the answer could be right in front of
our faces. Have you considered sucking dick? How are you talking to me,
dearie jos This entire building is built on sucking dick. Yeah, well,
I mean that's uh, you know, a proven way to make money.
I do. Well. Why they discuss the prosperity the capitalistic nature of
Fallatio Cabert. How you you ruled a sixteen free perception check and after a
little bit of checking around, sure enough you do find a few rats one
or two you've been you recognized from earlier in the day when you were standing
in line. All right, Uh, Cabert is going to to strike up
a conversation and move quickly to a proposal. He has struck similar deals to
this many a time. You know, it's not quite the snow white deal.
But basically, if they are willing to help keep the place clean and
free of other vermin, both human and pest, then they are welcome to
all of the ample garbage that has been collected and will be collected here.
And their response is like, so the responsors like, so, nothing's changed
from what we were doing before. We used to like the one guy the
fancy had used to go in through his room and hump all the time.
Now he's got a bed for us to like lay down. So it's used
to be a sleazy motel for rat fucking. Now it's say, like at
least the animal motel six level version of rat fucking. I guess it's not
bad, it ain't great, but it's getting better. So how can you
sweeten this deal for us? What do you all here? You have always
been treated as a pest and chased about. Here you will be treated as
a guest. I'll welcome to honor guard. Have you ever been applauded for
you? It's been sheered, been handed the best cuts rather than the scraps
that can be scrounged. Have you ever seen appreciation in the stupid human eyes?
I walk down the street and they screech while I scratched my balls on
the floor. So no, none of that, it's ever I happened.
Well, it can become useful in their eyes, and they will leap treasures
upon you. So okay, quick question for you. Now, there's some
high full louten places on the north end of the town here where near the
castle where they got like those little like places, a little coffee house and
tea house. So they let cats walk around and people go to have lunches
and like little brunches with their cats. Are you saying this is gonna be
a joint for rats? This is finally, it's the rat times to shine.
Absolutely, this shall be an establishment guarded by rats, honed by rats,
and of course catered to. Do I get the cook or I can
sit on somebody's head and make them cook what I want? That you will
have to speak with the chef's individually. I cannot often I don't speak a
chef and they don't speak me. So are you gonna be around to be
the translator person here of course. All right, ah, okay, give
them a persuasion role with advantage. All right, I'm gonna need it.
Maybe we can make the bed vibrate eight and eleven, so eleven eleven's average.
So you okay, I'll put it this way. You've made a very
intriguing offer. So like, we'll just call him Rizzo here. Rizzo is
going to go back to the rat. The O the rest of the rat
can and pass your word along. So uh, they'll be back later with
the answers. We'll see how this goes. I will return to the table
so I can be part of the conversation again. Fantastic, Cabert, you
return just in time. I'm sure. I'm sure you weren't doing anything horrifying.
I have hired you a new weight staff slash guard that will work for
garbage. Oh that's yes. They are all rats. Make sure you treat
them well and with respect, or they will probably rebel and kill people in
their sleep. Thank you, quite welcome. They don't call me Kebert the
Expedient because I think things through. Yes, I'm starting to realize that now,
treaty unless we want to spend the rest of this podcast sucking Dick.
Rosie comes over. Sorry, did you need me? Stand honey deer Yours
is a separate podcast. Rosie much more popular for probably a much more popular
word. Definitely more listener ship, very empowering. I'm sure. I mean
I don't just suck dick. I mean I'll sit in your chest, I'll
poop on your chest, I'll talk pee on you if you need. This
is all wonderful content. Save it hard, hard, Peggy. Okay,
all right, fine, you know, all right, go away whole.
So Trudy Beckon serve away, stands up slightly. Oh no, you mean
ready? Okay. Patio will watch her retreat and say, bake sale lemon
bars. That's the answer all our problem. Lemon bars, lemon party.
She comes back. Okay, no, truthy explorms you like, Dearie,
you have the makings of a small advent party. All you need to do
is go over to the trade shop speak with Yakoya. All you need to
do is make yourself an official adventuring part of a guild. It costs nearly
nothing. They always have jobs to do that pay well, and they will
fund your You'll make enough goal to get wherever you said you were going to
strac them, right, That is very far, so you're going to have
to book a passage on a ship. The nearest port is Port Ferromio.
It's about one hundred and fifty miles away, dear, so you can get
there on your own. That's easy enough. But then getting on a ship
to where you've got to go takes time and money. So I recommend going
over to the Adventuring Guild and speaking to Yakarya Trudy. I hate to agree
with you. I rather did hope this adventure would be something more than a
merely mescenary. But you're right, I'm fucking broke. We need a quick
solution, standard adventure. Anyone a bit of standard adventure? Sexy carriage wash
have alternate solution. Back back when Moog was still a member of I Gouger
Clan, we would make gold by kidnapping elf children, ransoming elf children,
and then when grieving parents paid, we would sell the elf children for additional
money to goblins as food. Good money maker. Dan will sit in horrified
silence for a while. In fact, I'll let this play out. Claudia
will raise her hand. I'm half elf, but I don't have any parents.
Yeah, she's a half elf, Moog, you're a fucking elf.
Well, no roll initiative. No, there is absolutely no reason, actual
stantat delim it does not fake big as at all. This is not explained
mot elf Moog. Moog is large, horrific, murderous orc trapped in beautiful
elf body, which Moog is desperately trying to get rid of. Do you
mean in the same way that I'm a young man trapped in an old man's
body. Or were you killed and then lick reincarnated in old men body?
No, you're not being metafied. Justice hoops and dreams, justice and dreams.
Oh yeah, they've driven, they died quite a lot every fucking day.
But okay, so what we have here is, uh, you're an
orc. I've met orks. I mean, yeah, you do sound like
a bit of a prick, that's fair. But you look, you're looking
good man. What's with the elf hate? Well, moves. The elves
are ancestral enemies of orcs. They the lesser species, like like like cockroaches.
You see cockroach, you step on it, except maybe in this bar
you probably buy a drink. But under normal circumstances. Yes, Well,
the waiting staff are now rats, Maybe we will have cockroach. Client tells
it. I don't know where this is going. It's bread. And to
enter woman, yes, half of you elf? Would you say to enter
bare woman? I gotta know that one. No, no no. And
now for bare woman, I swear you said when we play this back,
I said, And now to enter the bar woman, I'm like, wait
a minute. As for bar woman, okay, well, yes, half
of you elf, which means Muke obviously hates that half. But who knows
what other half could be? Other half could be orc it. It certainly
isn't straw. What about that's very oddy to say, deary. What about
an only elves show? Only an only fans for elves. Yeah, we
can make money that way. And he's a good looking guy, and he
hates himself enough, lovely him. One in Red certainly isn't shy about pulling
his penis out, that's true. I mean, if if it's only elves,
then would probably just kill them all. I'm not sure that that's what
they mean. Only only elves and then there'll be no elves and there are
no else. I'm sure there's some German elves out there who love a good
snuff film. Oh my god, and suddenly we're a different podcast again.
You're a confusing fellow. It appears you're driven entirely by racial hatred. But
you know what, technically species hatred. You're right, that is a technicality,
which makes it no less horrifying in the context of this fantasy world.
But you know what's more interesting than just reg year old elf an adventure?
An orc with a secret heart of gold. And I'm sure that yours will
be a story of redemption. And we'll start that redemption by not murdering children.
Yay, okay, but we keep this as backup option in case adventure
it doesn't work. Right, I'm going to call this one l z okay
on the table. So far we have move prostitutes himself. Chaucer is cock
literally on the table, murdering children, plan z or bake Bake sale.
Yeah, I probably should have put out above murdering children, I suppose,
now you think about it, or just nuts and bolts, classic guild lead
boring adventure. Maybe kill some rats in the tavern, sees the army of
rats in this tavern? Maybe not that well not, but that I think
we're on something that that makes our tavern uh, we kill competition. We
kill all the weeds. Only only tavern in town that's infested with ours wear
bow eyes. We could get them some tiny little swords, tiny little swords,
tiny little ruffs. No way that could come back to bitis later on
when the army of rat sticks over this town. When you come back,
it's certainly not returning the planet of the rats at all. You mad,
you shoot it all up. I definitely didn't sow the seeds of tyranny by
giving the rats the idea to take. Okay, well it's morning, I've
had my breakfast booze. Let's not waste a day. Let's get down to
the old adventurous guilt. See what they have for is ipe shot between us?
We can pull off some standard errand boy bullshit. Ah, I'm glad
you came around. Stand I already sent a miss messenger ahead one of the
wares on the hornet, let him know that you'd be coming. Jakarayah is
always looking for interesting jobs and some pays well, some past doesn't. You'll
find out I truly did what when I do about you? Probably still being
a gutter fail miserably sleep aware of what. Okay, well then all right,
all right, okay, Well we can also consider this is a little
bit of a bonding exercise. Who wants somebody timeh Moog high five? No?
Okay, hello, not you, not you, and not that move
not pointing a hand at hand anywhere New York, Sticky Wizard. Well that's
that's reasonable, actually to adventure. All right, I'm gonna gather you all
up so I can copy you onto the next map. I mean, in
all fairness, there's no way this group would be expediently leaving a place.
We could vamp this out, or I could just leave it a long,
awkward pause. I think Evil one will be a funny. I want to
know if Nys like, if we could have a scene changing Nay, why
would he day? That's the wrong part of horse. You call move racist.
I don't know if we need the RP actually leaving. I feel like
Georcier is definitely going to jerk off in a plane. I know it already
finished. It's like, you know, the under the table, you just
did it that wild away with fine Liz Discutch. It's like, God,
hurry up. That's why he kept aiming it at Moog just like take that
get that little extra oomp, you know what I mean? Maybe you see
if your your ship menser knows like a sperm manser telling help sparrow mancer that
all right? So as you guys leave the town, or you not leave
the town, leave the castrated ram. You start walking through uh the region
the sections of that was the name of this damn town, I always forget
it, Galahad, And you start moving up scale a little bit, uh
cabar. Feel free to point out the sights and this anything you anything your
tours tour guide mine can come up with. As you make your way towards
the local adventuring guild, there's the bell tower. I don't know when it
was built, but a whole lot of birds nest there, and according to
them, the bell sounds terrible. I can imagine that being convenient for in
the Apparently over there is an alley where the raccoons have some of the best
sex in town. Well, I remember I've been looking at the wrong alleyway
for raccoon sex. Apparently, Indeed, down that sewer great lives a giant
family of alligators. I would not recommend going down that sewer. Great shit
that one after Google remember where two feet elvestone. The more Kabert talks,
the more it becomes clear where all of his information is coming from. Love
it, Cobert. I understood you were Brandon's man, and I thought that,
you know, he's a powerful chap with connections and sort of trusted his
recommendation. Have you known the guide along or ah? Yeah, he hires
me for communications specializations. There's a lot of wizards out there who know how
to counter spell a scry and listen in on other magical conversations. A lot
less wizards know how to speak chipmunk. Yeah, I can believe that.
So when I send a message, it's a lot likely more likely to stay
and coded smart. And yet all of you look at moo odd You'll still
out mate for very different and more frightening reasons. After a bit of tour
guide an animal based information, you come across a local adventuring guild titled Yack
of All Trades, where Yakarayah, the guild master resides. The streets are
fair, there's a sunny day in Galahad, and this is where you end
up. But let me know when you go. If you guys want to
go in or you just want to do some more tour guidy stuff looks good
to yucking Yeah, let's yack it up. I will point out the amusing
sign to the rest of the party. See this is what we're about.
It's a fun name. You know, it's whimsical. I want to inject
a bit of whimsy into this mission. No child murder, a bit more
whimsy. How's that sound. I'm all for injecting whimsy. Mooch says yack.
Don't talk back. I'm so glad he didn't say I'm injecting a child,
That's all. I'm glad he didn't say. Jesus Christ. Now you've
said it, no, I said, I'm glad he did. No.
No, I didn't know. You can't prove I said it. That is
bulls and ship or we're recording this. Of course we can. I know
I'm being hyperbolic. Moving on to the next map, Ladies and gentlemen,
listeners, feel free to remix that on ma a ghibbee soundcut. All right,
mister and sharp, here we go at the very bottom stream. You'll
find yourself. You are now inside of the local guild hall. Why are
there dead horses? No? Okay, so that is anybody skilled in magic
will realize very quickly that you know, there's a stone back to this building,
but those are magically enchanted windows, so you could see to the stables
out back. So, because apparently it is also a place where you can
rent horses, you find there are a couple right now. There's a dwarf
priest and a Dwarf ranger perusing spells, scrolls and potions. There are weapon
racks, and at the bar at the counter in front of you is the
satyr him self, Yack of all trades, Yakarayah. He is currently reading
a book for anybody with his keen eyes. It's Paladins and the misery they
bring onto others. Volume one. You can relate say that you must be
Yaka Raya. Are you gonna talk to me from all the way over there,
because that's really rude. I mean, I'm I'm just you know else,
he projecting, We're not in a theater theater, darling, We're always
in a theater. Now, what have you got in adventures that are whimsical,
help worthy people, but also pay well and help exterminate elves? Ignore
at last part? First off, who the fuck are you. Uh Hi,
let's man, let's start this again. I am yack of all trees,
a locring of local uh uh merchant excuse merchant and adventuring guild? Uh
front man? Uh? Are you currently part of an official guild? Uh?
Represented number? Are you part of our guild or not? We consider
ourselves more uh not fart off your kills? Okay? Do you want to
be because that do? If you want a job, you have to be
part of the guild. I see you can come on a freelance basis,
but you're gonna it's gonna cause a down payment. So union boy, I
prefer to come on a freelance basis. I knew that was. That's see
what you did there. I like that. I like this guy. I
like this guy. He's horny like me, and he rubs it. He
starts rubbing as cedar horns. Oh no, well uh okay, So what
other options there? We join your seedy little guild or we have to pay
a fee to do basic adventuring? Is that what you're telling me? Let's
go back to the beginning again. My name is yak Yes Jakarayah, and
you are stand and deliver professional folk hero these are my compatriots. Jr.
Stra the Sorcerer, Moog the face eater, Claudia the bear lady, and
com Bear the horseman who spends way too much time with rats among other animals.
It's a hell of a name. All right. So you're okay,
you're who Trudy told me about. Fantastic all right, gotcha, gotcha?
She says you're going to a place called Stractum. Correct, Yes, and
you need money. That's what Trudy told me. And Whimsy and uh yeah,
yeah, yeah. All right. So I'm gonna I'm gonna which one
of you is Like he's looking, he looks at each one of you.
Which one of you is the numbers guy or gal? Which one of you
is the numbers person? I will turn to the rest of the team.
I'm not sure if you've noticed I'm terrible with money. Would anybody else like
the job of treasure or ooh, Claudia, would you volunteered a little bit
too quickly for that? Okay, sure you're the treasure nice the homeless person.
Yes, I feel comfortable with that most of it because I feel like
she's the least likely of us to get robbed. That's an excellent line of
logic. Actually, uh kad beer, give me a quick perception check boop
twenty. You are you've seen this guy before you and what I mean seeing
this guy? You mean he's part of the family like you. He is
not a direct member, but he is closely associated. So it seems like
all his work, all his works and backings are definitely sponsored by Father Brandon.
So he's definitely got his hands here as well. Good to know,
all right, all right, So, whoever the money person happens to be.
The cost of traveling by ship to stract him is standard are standard seafair.
So let me see. The closest place is is poor Fairmeo, about
one hundred and fifty miles away. How you get there's your business? Let
me see. So it's ten silver per mile. Stract him is fifteen hundred
miles away from from fair Mio. Plus, so that is per person one
hundred and fifty gold, So one hundred seven hundred fifty gold total for the
seafare plus the two gold per crew member per day is another seven hundred and
eighty for a total of approximately fifteen hundred and thirty gold pieces. Plus my
booking fee of fifteen percent because we can do this right now, I'll have
your ship booked for you for a total seventeen hundred and sixty gold. Moogle
turned to stand, Are you sure you're not up for kidnapping and selling elf
children? Oh? By wait, I've got jobs. I've got paid job.
I take to sound a little bit more feasible. May we came down
a little hard on old moog face? Okay, all right, I've got
you got a point. All right? Are you looking there slow and steady
money? Are you looking for fast money? We're not going to be your
fucking wage slaves, man, I know how this works. We're not being
fucking trafficked. If we are taking jobs, we're taking big old jobs,
and we're not giving you a cent or a percentage of a cent until the
money is made and we can book our patches on our own. Well,
unless you're part of the guild, I've got to like take my I got
to get a certain higher percentage cuts. You know, the gid's got to
get paid back for presenting these. If you're part of the guild. If
you want to put down if you want to put down a ten goal per
person amount, that's your initial payment fee with an additional twelve goal per month
bureaucer. See this is the stuff that heroics are made of. Or you
can do freelance jobs and we get we take twenty percent off the top.
You know. It's your call, you know, but I've got all your
names and he starts recording all your names into a ledger. All right,
So here are the two jobs we currently off. First of all, we'll
go the slow and steady one. There's a merchant caravan, oddly enough,
thanks to dungeons and dragons contrivances, heading in the direction of the of the
port town that you're looking for. Uh, you have to protect the merchant
Dmitri red Wine for his leg of the journey. He's gonna stop by four
towns to sell his wares, staying at each town for two days. Gold
Da da da da. So if you guys went with him, it'd be
a total five hundred and sixty gold total. If you escort him back,
there's an additional fourinter of gold, so just south of a thousand gold if
you guard this merchant. The only downside is he only travels at night and
you don't ask him about his cloak or his teeth. He doesn't like that
Mook have a question. Yes, this wealthy merchant. Uh, actually,
yes he is. He is a very he is rather wealthy. Yes,
so so technically if merchant meets accident on road, then we could possibly make
money faster, is what you say? Uh? Jakaria Yakaraiah looks at Kabert
and like you, you recognize to him. He recognizes you, and he
gives you. He gives you the kind of like, uh, you might
want to talk to your friend. Look, can I just kind of give
him the shrug that says I'm just here's the communications guy. This is Stan's
problem. Mook started to lick this first job much better. Maybe maybe tell
us about the second one. I have concerns about our party being able to
hold down a long term relationship. Oh fair enough, Okay, Like I
said, the first one is weird because he gently travels at night. You
know, he also travels in like and like he like only travels at night
and during the day he sleeps inside of the of a sun proof box in
the back of the wax. I'm less worried about the obvious secret vampire than
I am about Georcier trying to put his dick in his mouth. No,
No one said that word. No one said that word. No one said
that word. All right, So the second job, all right, So
that's what I'm afraid of. He takes out a takes out of sending stone,
puts on the corner. I just got this message in today. A
distress call came in from the town of West Cherry. It's about three days
a distress call, three days a distressful. Well. Uh, the message
was short, but it basically broke down to apparently the town is overrun by
child predators. They're offering twenty five hundred gold pieces for assistance and dealing with
the threats. Okay, well we have just a man to locate such a
threat, and well I'll be happy to deal with that threat. Tell me
to these children in this town on a old elves, because that would be
a terrible combination of it. I was actually wondering if there's a chance this
is moves old people. Wait by the child predators? Do you mean they
pray on children or they are children? That I's actually a really good clarification
question. That's a very good question. I unfortunately it's a one way talk.
When I try to respond back, I have to wait till tomorrow to
get an answer. So that's all these that's all the communication rocky talkies work.
You get a one, you get a message one way, a message
back, and you wait till the next day of refreshers. So unfortunate.
I can't answer that. All I know is child predators twenty five hundred gold
deal with the threats, and that would based on the what you want to
do that'll pay you back and then some for your entire leg of your trip
that you want to do. Uh, those are the two jobs I have
At the moment. As he finishes that, the door opens and a okay,
a woman walks in and she is at by the door. Yak looks
up when he hears the bell and immediately takes the book he was reading and
stealthily slides it under the under the table, very discreetly because he's using you
guys to block so she does not see him hiding this book. She has
gold skin, a clockwork piece over her eye, obviously steampunk effect attire.
Anybody who is in this town would or from this town would know her as
Inspector Riggs, the Paladin ASMR. Chief of Police. You're not the fucking
robot a terrible, terrible relation. No, I'm not excuse me, h
yack, we have yeah, yes, inspected. Yes, I have a
new job to put on the poor listing. Oh sure, what do you
have information leading to the arrest and conviction of the criminal or criminals responsible for
the double murder of the Elvin green Tree family and Jack Gash. He's like,
wait a minute, the green the ones who run the crossroads in a
couple of days away. Yes, is the family was killed and their home
was burned to the grounds. Capture the criminal, put down a seven utu
or fifty gold death of the criminal with proof only five point fifty? Why
why are you looking for such heroes? Excuse me? Move right now.
It sounds like this is the perfect job for us, whimsical on the right
side of the of the law, helping the worthy people. I did I
the yack. They're likely in town. I went out there and inspected it
just this morning, I wrote out inspected the sites burned to the ground a
couple of days several probably five or six days ago. There was one of
the body, one of the one of one of the people left, walked
in a stupidly wide circle, walked back to the to the to the side
of the fire, likely to look at their own handiwork, then made their
way here. A second set of tracks came from inside, and a smaller
female likely or maybe just a man with small feet, followed in the same
footsteps, did the exact same pattern, and looped, walked in a big
circle, and then made their way to town. There was also a child
in the in the in the fire, but they have escaped and I've got
them under protection. I'm going to talk with them a little bit later today.
Uh. They said they can identify the person. So if any of
the adventurers come through that is this is my utmost priority. If they could
get it done faster, I will pay more. Yes, this this sounds
like perpetrator is criminal mastermind, far beyond our capability. You're right, but
there in Liza challenge, I don't know. I like child predacers, Jactus
taking all these notes down? Okay, thank you, inspector. Is there
anything else you need from me? No? That will be all. But
if I swear about the Paladin's oath of vengeance, if I find the man
first or woman or any responsible, I'll kill them myself. Good day.
She starts to leave to walk out. Sounds like someone's trying to save a
book. Well thinks we should take we should take quote unquote protection job.
Well, the protection job does take us in the right direction, but it
doesn't cover our shipping. Whereas the child predators job. I mean, it
really does sound like somebody should stop that child credit. Yeah, regardless of
whether it's children who are predators or the other way around. Either way,
Yeah, it sounds like that's a distress call needs our immediate. We could
go solve that, come back, solve the mystery of the the elf murderer,
whoever that may be, and then we protect can go and get rid
of child predators and never come back here. You could wire us money and
then continue onward. We are free, as you know, we could even
if there are children that are predators, that's like even more dangerous because they're
going to become adult predators. Would just let them keep going? No,
no, no, If you're part of the if you're part of the guild,
then I can I can send a message because the town of West Cherry
has an adventuring Guild in it, so I can just uh, I can
just make sure I can put it on the books, so that they'll pay
you there if once you free the town, so you don't have to come
back. You don't have to come back here. That's the benefit of being
a guild up for a freelancer. Yes, you have to come back to
the spot where you've got it excellent, So there are no reason for us
to ever come back here. Well you're not, well, you're not you're
not members of the guild. Okay, you rarely are fishing for that fucking
membership. Fani, you up selling little prick. Hey, one one item,
one more option. I think we we could turn move in, even
though we don't know who killed the elves. I mean, he hates elves
enough that it would be reasonable and just break him out. We can't just
time move in because we don't like him. I honestly wasn't sure if he
had done it. I just met it. We'll just point out that.
Yeah, by the way, you're in front of Yak, so he's looking
at you like, what do you mean, what move did? What?
Or what do you say? Don't date anything. I mean the fact that
it's clothing is singed could be for any reason. Yeah, I'm just saying.
I'm just saying he's a likely candidate, they would buy it. We're
not turning in one of our own just because he has some unpopular views.
Also, I did not do the loop de Loo. I watched straight to
Gallahad probably get on that child predator thing. That feels like maybe not a
thing we should be sitting around. All right, So Yak has listened to
all this, and uh uh so and uh Jesus, I'm gonna in Sylvan
just say, look, man, can you just take the fee out of
the reward that will collect for this. I know they're going to get these
idiots at your door in Sylvan. It's like, man, you're gonna have
to pay so much more. And not to mention there are there's other two
adventures in the room. The ranger tier right looking by the bookshelf, and
the push and rack and the and the and the dwarf and priest to the
other side looking at the other shelf of there. There's no telling what they
overheard as well. Man, uh if oh man that you are put me
in a tough spot right now. I look, man, it's not my
job to keep these idiots safe. It's just my job to be the communications.
Oh I'm tracking you, brother, it's it's yeah, you do what
you gotta do. Man, I'm not here to you realize that even though
we not understand it, we can see you two talking to each other.
Yeah, I'm I'm just trying to get these assholes out your door. So
if we can do a I don't know, a rebate thing, something,
they don't have the ten, they don't have the money on it, I
don't think to be perfectly frank with you, all right, So he'll switch
back to common. Now this is out of game refested, Moog, give
me, like, obviously I Rick was playing up the the oh shit moment.
Give me a performance check with Moog or deception check, whatever you feel
more careful about. About. How kind of like smoothing over Moog's innocent.
Same thing with Claudia, since you said I clearly walked straight. I didn't
do the loopy loose. So I would like both of you give me deception
checks. Both of mine are terrible, so I'll just go with Yeah,
I'll go with this. Deception Oo gets a nineteen actually a dirty twenty.
No, and that's just la, that's a nap twenty. Nice. Claudia,
Oh is innocent. There's no way Edie Woy to be stupid enough to
just literally confess to a crime that somebody had just come through the doho.
I will say that because of the NAT twenty. Here's what happened. He's
not sure he believes you. You were not convincing enough. But it's one
of those situations where it's like you lied well enough, and he's like,
that's what he told me. That's what he told me. I I sure
sure he's standing there and singed clothing and so's the girl said I didn't do
the walk. They said they didn't do it right. You said you didn't
do it right? You know what? It sounds like, it sounds like
not his problem, right. It also sounds like I'm gonna if you you
guys would be part of the Adventuring Guild if you want your money there.
So I'm going to need twenty five gold per person right now, and I'll
get you the and I'll get you the pervert job. Okay, I have
I have forty seven. I was never told how much gold I had.
Yeah, I have forty five. Yeah. So each I mean, each
one of you is like Cobert at least fifty gold. Stan and Joriser I
mean Georcer lost most of his money in the divorce, so uh, he
might have a few gold pieces left on him. Stand you still have you
still like a couple like you still like two or three hundred left over?
But that's it? And I will lean over and say how actually, no,
hang on, you spent this much, father Brandon, You've about one
hundred gold left? Stand? Yeah, how do you feel about payment in
rat service? I can give you a ninth on the town that you will
never the forget. He puts his finger out and rubs it against your lips,
leaps over, sh don't do that. That's that's money. Money,
just that's a gross infraction of personal space, my friend, you put you
put money down. Ah so if I was one hundred years younger, I
would have already stabbed you. You fuck. Here's your money, you grubby
little ship. Okay, twenty five gold per person? Yeah, up to
twenty five. I missed that. Oh, because he's getting you the fuck
out of Dodge now and he's keeping his mouth shut. Oh, I'll give
him ten. I'm not Uh. Oh, no, you're fine. Who
talks to Yeah, you're fine? Could bear? So I can pay you
in jewels if you know how to remove them, and he's he loves it.
He stands up and pulls his like his uh uh he flashes you his
uh seder dick because he doesn't wear pants. He just pulls a fluff aside.
Chap a mate, you want you want a low five? You want
a low five? We'll low five right now? Sure, all right,
he'll hop onto the table and like low five. You dicted dick tip to
tip. Oh, I'm sorry, we're in the your uh hell yeah,
in your guild rules to just say you're allowed to do that. I just
I like it because it feels good. If you've got a manager, I
can speak ti. I am the manager. Oh can iest you guys have
any weapons? You need any weapons or gear? Because okay, so each
one of you all money, so well moved, thus lost twenty five,
stand lost twenty five. Someone's got to cover Georser. Probably he might take
the last of his goald. We'll call it that. And Claudia, you
had subduser scenes we're kind of all right. And Claudia, yeah, I
had forty. You're now you have twenty five? Less could bear you down
ten now that being said, uh, for all the Cobert already realizes because
he talked to it in Sylvan. Will Claudia doorser a stand and move go,
I'll give me perception checks, perception move rules of four Dan Rolls of
nineteen Stan Rolls of nineteen Claudia is eleven. It's well pretty all right,
Gabby. How much of this satires, dick did we see? Oh no,
it's not the staters, dick. It's it's the fact that you finally
realize that there are two other people in the room who are now looking over
their shoulder at you, d Rolls of twelve Priest and the Dwarf Ranger like
they good day, good day, and they start slowly making their way towards
the exit. Hey, Coti Colttie's gonna really quickly shout hypothetically at them,
allegedly allegedly a Dwarf priest. Yeah right, here be one of the child
predators. I will say loudly enough to pay a man. I love dwarfs.
I love how they keep their mouths fucking shut the one. Okay,
give me a persuasion roll A seventeen. Not bad, not bad. Now
when I run my games, persuasion is not mind control. So they get
to roll like their own you see. Okay, the left one definitely failed.
Oh the other one, the right one. Okay, all right,
so the priest was like towards you hit his mouth shut. The range was
like uh huh. He turns around and his hand is giving that like uh
to ching to ching. Oh no, I think I think it's time for
us to build a reputation either way. So I'll just look at his hand
and look at him back and say, have a good day. He nods.
I will also just inch out my rape here a little bit. Uh
he uh. He rubs his thumb across this bow, and you know it's
like small amounts of lightning crackles on the bow. Okay, he puts his
back to his hand one more time. I moved my token, but I
watched step away because he's getting into firing range. And but he puts his
hand out one more time to give you this look like like, how about
this seth thirty five gold and you have a pleasant day, mister smith.
How about this get the fuck out of my side before I stap you to
death. Have a fantastic day, mister Smith. And come on, come
on, Louis to Sally or whatever the fuck your name is the other.
They start heading towards the door, all right, and they they exit.
Okay, gang, time to go on adventure rather expededly. Uh not quite
yet, yeah, says we still have to do some paperwork here, so
uh uh so I'm going to need uh first of all, Okay, your
official names are Claudia the Beary Woman, George of the Sorcerers, Dan Dandy
Liverer, Move the face Eater, could Bear, the expedient one who speaks.
Well that's what that's how you're introduced to me. And coul beare the
expedient one who speaks to animals and shit. Rick, it might have been
good that I gave him the wrong name. I mean, we'll lean across
the counter and be like, just hypothetically speaking now that we members of guild.
If any Guild members were to be arrested for hainous crimes, it would
be horrible endled for Yaxas. That would be right, But I haven't.
I haven't notarized anything yet, so I'm still working all this out. So
we got a little bit of time. Okay, So did I have a
correct Claudia the bear Woman? Is that your name? Yeah? Yeah,
sure, that's good. Enough do we get id cards in a moment,
George with a sorcerer. All right, standy Liver. We all know Moog
the face eater. Cabert. I know you from other places, so I
know it's done. Don he's writing all this down, all right, I
need an adventuring party name for you, for you five huh. Well,
I was going to say Stan Dan Deliver in his jovial chaps, but in
reality a couple of these people aren't very jovial, and one of them is
way too jovial. I don't know. Moog have suggestion totally innocent party who
never kill elves? Well this Ravis specific actually totally innocent party isn't the worst
idea? Yes, totally innocent Fatzi who definitely didn't do that thing you just
said. And it spells tip, which I feel like Jeorser will like.
So we're not gonna plug the name of the show. You're going to the
totally innocent party. Fantastic. Oh's not a lot of stuff yet, it's
blues Man trying to think of incorporating the word wonder just accused of like a
terrible crime. It's like, yeah, WI call its Ouf the dicey past
it's I was gonna try to think of more dirty. Uh we got time,
bringing on, motherfucker? What you got right? Okay, let's buy
the heads to give it. Jostra something about one yeah, maybe, and
we're all kind of homeless, so it could be bum wonders. It could
beat by Monday. Rodord wasn't Zach's writing these all down in pencil, but
he's like, he's like, let me know when to get in. Okay,
his bum wonders is an option. Go ahead. It's barely angelic,
innocent nearby travelers, the Angels got it? Uh, tain't okay? Barrelman,
what you got? What you obviously the Bears, doull Bears. Oh
yeah, well that's a great callback, all right. Mood swing away,
mirror, what you got? Gape suggestion? Oh yeah, you're the tip.
Yeah, totally Innocent Party. I you sure you don't want to rewet
you'll suggest sparkling sex. I think we'll stick with the title the totally Innocent
Buzzy. Thank you losing the name, all right, The totally Innocent Party.
It is. We have to contact our artists, all right, or
you know, the dicey Bassards. Oh that's a fun one. Where'd you
come off with? That makes no sense? Voice ahead, what's the dirty
and out integram the dB double buttle fun to make it work for for a
cop joke there, I'm not really Clauda. You need to work on it.
I think us Totally Innocent Party. It is totally innocent party. It
is, and that is what that is what you're going with? Correct?
Sure seems that way. I'm sorry you can't's already taken, already registered.
We should go kill other innocent parties. Well, it's funny you say that.
It's by those guys right over there. Give me a quick second.
Frankly, I don't want to fuck with anybody who already had the name totally
Innocent Party. Those are some devious motherfucker. Yeah, that's just got some
real ship going on and so clever. Look, let's be honest. There
was a clear second choice that we all probably liked just as much the bears
before you met the Double Button Party. I wonder kind of like sparkling sex.
Okay, so seven years later we'll still be arguing. So finger out
the door walks in the door walk the door opens, dingnitting, and a
group of five walks in, uh and representing good Eye. It's Jack Human
page turner justin time grass, you know, and Matt Demon the rejects from
your little thing. Uh, they have come inside, like, hey,
did the name go through? Uh? Yeah I did. You're the totally
innocent party. Fantastic, great, Yeah, they all high five nice name
fellas. Sure. No feelings, oh none at all, mate, It's
all no worries one oh no, because we heard all about what you're doing.
So we got it. We got contacted too. Did you hear that
guy that that that that that we had Genie man, He came and found
us and he gave us a job off and to go down to that that'
stracton place, right, So we're gonna head down there too. So as
we get the funds up, we're on away. I guess we're competition,
aren't we, mate, Yes, darling, with competition. Just do you
take care of yourself? Okay? All right? Cool? Yes, would
be shame if horrible accident before you on road and thanks canful darlings, Oh
it totally would right. So in the meantime, we also got word of
a job that was going on about Uh let me see, there's the merchant
care. You can't have the child predtice. Oh no, no, that's
oh no, we don't want that one, you know. So we're gonna
imagine if stepping slightly in front of your ser when he said that, Oh
no, mate, we don't want that job. We're gon we're gonna take
the munching job. We're gonna go. Is the red wine mrchen things still
available. We got the funds together. We can cover the second half.
Because we found the kid who's going a finger of the person. Uh so
we found the kid who escaped the fire. The fire of the green tree
put them in touch with the spectrum rigs. That's so she's gonna find that
guy for too long or guy or whoever it is, we're gonna find him
pretty quick. So all we need now is the money from the merchant job,
if that's still available. Yeah, Cloks and I was like, uh
yeah, these guys are taking the perfect So if you guys want that,
the totally innocent party wants the merchant job, that'll put you. I mean,
that's gonna take you right to it. So you're gonna get there probably
within let me see, eight days, maybe nine, depending on travels.
So yeah, you'll you'll be get there within eight to ten days. Fantastic
for you guys. Cool, So yeah, you're good to go. All
right, cheers mate. We hope to see you guys instructor, but we'll
probably get them before you. Yeah, just don't die, you know,
try and keep things late. Move move to you definitely would not want to
be you. We'll see. I don't know if any of your members are
named the Expedients. No, well we got Matt Demon Demon. Hi.
Yeah, he's a very vast style, very vastile adventure. I'm sure.
All right, good guy, everybody have a got one. We will well,
not so far of it. We'll see nothing. Brian's up the day
like an army of child it is. Indeed, Well, let me know
when they have left the room. They have officially like they got in,
they got their job, waved Joe. And here's the thing. They were
like obsequious but actually kind of like Jack actually looked happy to see, like,
hey, thanks for thanks for turning me down. We got it.
We got a better life now. So yeah, they have left the room.
New Pokemon rivals, not old Pokemon rivals. I guess. I don't
know if it's worth it to say it for the act, but they're just
gonna kind of look and be like, well, I have a hunch they
won't be collecting on that arson case anytime soon. Yeah. I mean,
I don't know which frick did that, but I show hope he can fucking
redeem himself at some point. Yeah. If nothing else, I'm sure he's
gonna get out of town right away. Yeah, Okay, annoying bureaucratic man
shows the army of paperwork, and well, for the rest of the podcast,
we will fill in the paperwork in real time. All right, fantastically
start. He starts laying out sheets for each of you that you will you
are here by a member of the uh this this Region's Adventure Shring Mercenary Group.
He will again, I need your official title name for your party.
Oh okay, what we sound in the lens and leets? No, I
didn't get much left for standing the the jovial PIF or whatever it is.
How many of us are her? I mean, I feel like, as
much as we love Ja bears, that's almost certainly going to get us in
legal hot water. That's that's just a toreg waiting to happen. Oh,
Yak pulled out the book. Oh you've read this thing. Oh my god,
The Adventures of these fucking morons is fantastic, like all these dumb shit
these Paladins do. Just don't really expect to rig c because she is a
total paladin. I bet she's two weeks away from retirement too, Errol,
two weeks away. She's got she's got a pet bird named Myrtal. It's
we could go with dicey bastards. I'm alright with that. Was going to
suggest, like you do other other acronym dead die elf die, you're not
winning me round stand will take is so out and you'll try an experimental cutting
into the bar of dicey bastets or at least a dB the douchebags, all
right, got it? Go, Well, we'll always be tipping our hearts.
Well, I mean you can fight them to death and take the name.
That's part of muscenary rules. So no, I have a feeling the
world's going to take care of them soon. Enough's kind of easier to just
be tipping our hearts, all right. So, uh, you guys spend
the next forty five minutes working on paperwork, making your marks, lettering.
He's stamping and notarizing. I'm also gonna need a seven digit number to go
with the dicey bashard, so you can like that's anyway name you have a
special it's kind of it's your pin, so that when you go to any
other groups you have the special seventy s seven inch of code. So that
no. One one two three, that would never I wouldn't do that.
Two seven six five four three two one that'll thry to back U. The
last one was eight six seven five three oh nine. People just seem to
enjoy that one a lot, so uh yeah, just go to the seven
code. Okay, four six one one one. It's just John bel Jehan's
number with ones at the end. That's a good one. I just I've
wrote it done my on my on my dry race for so that's what it
is now. So fantastic, easy peasy, all right. So by the
time song to help us keep it in mind, yeah there is. Yeah,
by the time you're done, you're haggling uh in order, haggling uh
your your work, all the paperwork. A couple hours has gone by.
So you guys had your guy in the morning, you had the fight,
you had the meeting, the paperwork, so It's like it's sun to start
to set by this point the time you get done all this bureaucratic bullshit,
so you're probabing to spend one more night in the uh the cash rated ram.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm curious to see
if those rats can actual they control the human to make dinner. I will.
I would like to spend my evening time negotiating with the rats and the
weight staff so they have a understanding in place once I leave. Sounds good,
you have to work with Trudy. Good night on that one. Good
luck. Let me see while you're here. Yack wants to know. Do
you guys want any do you need any gear? Any uh special weapons,
magic items, any potions? Now it'll be fine it do you even have
okay, because it's a it's a two and a half three day march to
uh excuse me, East Cherry or West Cherry whatever I said, it was,
Uh you do you have even tents or sleeping bags or horse Perry's.
I have a tent. I'm pretty sure. Well I don't have a tent,
but that's not really relevant for me, Okay, I sell, I
would like to buy actually I will buy a tarp. Okay, I I
feel like that would probably be the most logical thing for Kabert to have in
case he needs to sleep in the rain. Sounds good, okay, So
yeah, tarps, anything anything that's mundane is like you're just finding off of
the regular list, like usually it's a gold or less. So that's super
easy. Yeah, okay, I will. I will just look those up
and add them as not a problem. We don't have to spend game time
on that. No. No, I would assume that most of us have
been adventuring, have like adventuring packs, and yeah, you might. That's
why. That's why he's just asking. I assume you didn't bring all your
venturing gear with you, didn't hike in like a Nipoli shirpa coming in from
the from the castrated rams. So we got all that stuff back. I've
got all the basic adventuring stuff and the anything from the century old man.
Actually, no, fuck you, it's it's hard wearing stuff. Get out
reliable adventuring gear. All right, fantastic, Any food or drink any do
you need any in and the other supplies? Are you good to go?
I've got nothing, But I also have no money, so we can probably
get some rations. We do take up. We do take out a line
of credit if you need, mister the Sorcerer, so I don't give this
man credit. In D and D three point five, there was a build
built around this uh feat called Valve Poverty, where you a skewed the use
of all magical items and you've got all kinds of cool abilities in exchange.
Georgia would really benefit from that that optional game. I'm planning on giving some
money at some point in this game. Well we'll see it. Bet Yeah,
I figure for rations and things. We've got stuff back at the oh
yeah you also have you also have Kubert, you know. So it's like
you you like again. You can survive on the good berries what I've talked
about. Once you go like six seven days on good berries, it's kind
of drinking a slim fast shake every day, you might get a hankering for
real food, but that's on you. That's for a roleplay aspect. You
guys will totally survive all good berries. It just will be kind of one
will be hungry around now. Goodberry will make you feel sated, Yes,
I would say probably some horses would be expedient, but I think we have
that kind of money for horse rental. Uh. To buy a horse is
seventy five gold. To rent a horse is twenty five gold. You can
turn it back into the town. I'm just gonna let you guys know,
please don't try to steal the horses. Just everybody that tries fails. There
has been a crew good enough to pull it off yet. And I don't
want to see your blood all over the hay, So just letting it know,
just put it out there, not that you guys are helf killers or
anything, just saying it, just for the sake of saying it. It's
part of my job. I have to do this. So that was very
specific accusation, saying the blood all over the hay. I don't know what
you're talking about, big die overt wink, all right, But first Moog
certainly hope that that after we leave, nothing happens where one of your guild
members gets fingered in crime and that's points finger back at you as like guild
master, thus causing you shame and misery. The horse conversation just made Cobert
sad gets like a wistful look in his eye. We could have taken my
cart, but it got wrecked in the last job. We sell cards.
Money, we sell cards. Oh, I need money to save up to
get another good one. Okay, that's part of why I'm taking this job.
I preferber. Well, we'll get you a cut friend. We just
need to get on our feet, and if that means a little bit of
a hiking, I think we can handle it all right. All the time
in the world, what could possibly go wrong? Actually, I recommend getting
out of getting out of before morning time because Riggs likes to bunk down for
the night. But she's going to find that kid who can identify the person.
So I would say, first I get the fuck out of here.
Yeah, we should probably be going already. Move that question just for general
information, do we know where, like where child is staying in case we
want to go protect child and keep child safe? Uh No, I don't
know that. If I did, I probably won't tell you anyway. And
also do well you also have two dwarves who are probably gonna knark on you
anytime now, So again I didn't know that when I signed you. Wink
wink, I did show good luck to you all. I hope you stopped
the child predators. Remember your code. Remember that your your adventuring name and
your code, as you can get paid in West Cherry members two and a
half days of the East. Don't be confused by the name. And actually
I think you'll if I'm not mistaken, You will pass by the burnt out
crossroads of of the of the Green Tree, and as a matter of fact,
you'll pass that on your way, so uh, good luck convenience,
all right, we'll be on the lookout for a burning cross before we leave.
I'm looking up what my options are to find an exact small animal,
but I would like to wild shape into a small creature, so I'm not
seen leaving the town with mook. Not a problem, Not a problem.
You can meet them at the gates at a different I'll meet you at dawn
the next day. You don't. You don't even need to stay at the
end. You can say I'll meet you at dawn by the gate guards look
for the woodchuck. So yeah, why following us. I will stay at
the well clock up on supplies while we're there. I'll also put a word
in the whole network to keep the cat for any mouthfeed dwarfs who might be
asking about us, all right, I assume you also want to throw the
inspector into that mix as well. Ah, yes, okay. Fancy stan
Mook suggests you talk to rats and like, you know, perhaps like explain
to them that they should defend tavern in case people disguise this fake police try
to rate it at night. I can't actually talk to rats. I'm not
even sure what this situation really is. It's terrifying. I don't want to
disturb it at all. And with that, the newly formed Dicey Bassards have
officially registered with the Adventuring Guild, have their first mission, are going to
spend the night in the cachet to ram and are probably leaving town just to
have of potential problems with the law. And I think that's where we're gonna
leave this episode. I think this is a good with a fine of fist
pump Claudio say, who child predators on behalf of the fellow authors. I'm
at MK Gibson where the Dicey Bastards and you've in grade. Everybody, say
goodbye to our fans at home, Bye bye everybody. Dicey Bastards is brought
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