You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand KFI AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
If you're new to my show, I got to tell you I'm a little
bit obsessed with the science of love and this week, oh my gosh,
my predictions for the Golden Bachelor. And also let me tell you how mature
people actually date according to research. Also, if you're somebody who's plagued by
envy and jealousy, I've got some news for you and a few things that
every healthy relationship needs. Let's make sure producer Kayla's here you with us.
Of course, Doctor Wendy. Did you see the Armie Hammer documentary, the
docu series on HBO. I've heard crazy things. Okay. I am late
to the party because it was a year ago that launched. I remember,
like my daughter and her friends looking at all the texts and saying, oh,
if you don't know who I'm talking about. Armie Hammer is the actor
from Call Me by My Name and The Social Network, and he's the grand
great grandson of arnund Arn Armandhammer, the great philanthropist and billionaire. Well HBO
did a deep dive, and it turns out there's a lot of multi generational
trauma in that family. But where it began begins in the present, was
actor Armie Hammer trolling around Instagram, grabbing unsuspecting pretty girls in cities that aren't
Hollywood, you know, chatting them up, making them think they're the only
one in the world, flying them to some He takes them to some motel
out in Palm Springs where he practices some pretty awful s and m on them
and calls it b DSM. Of course, there's no safe word, there's
no consent. Lapd did an investigation. He was not convicted of anything.
Now here's so interesting. Now I'm of two minds because one, you know,
it turns out his father was bad, his grandfather was bad. There's
a terrible misogyny in the family. They would leave money to the sons,
but never the daughters. The daughters supposedly were sexual abuse. I mean,
when you see this, it's like every generation there was craziness going on.
So was it learned or or not? But you know how men help each
other out in all this situation. So, come to find out he did
a stint in rehab paid for by Robert Downey Junior. Okay, nice,
it's nice of him, but he was assaulting women. Okay. Now he's
in the Cayman Islands, living near his divorce, his ex wife and his
two kids, trying to rebuild his family, and they're the family's reportedly staying
in a home paid for by Robert Downey Junior. And he's Armie Hammer is
working as a companion to sober living person. So you know, when you
recover from addiction, you help someone else out. Meanwhile, all these victims
are out there traumatized and dealing with stuff. I'm glad they did speak out.
Now. Army does reveal that he told one press outlet that he was
sexually abused by a youth pastor when he was thirteen years old, and that
led to his interest in BDSM. He also does say that he understands what
he did wrong. Now. He says, I would scoop up these women,
bring them into it into this whirlwind of travel and sex and drugs and
big emotions flying around, and then as soon as I was done, I
would drop them off and move on to the next woman, leaving that woman
feeling abandoned or used. So is that lip service? Is he really understanding
what he did? Has he offered apologies to them? I mean maybe he
has with the AA thing. Also in the news this week, the Britney
Spears book is out written by ghostwriters called The Woman in Me, and it
documents a family history of mental health problems and how all the women in her
past were locked up for things like postpartum depression. And it makes you think
about you remember when she really had her turn for the worse and she had
the two little babies, and she shaved her head, et cetera. She
explains everything in the book. There's a great review of it in the New
York Times and the reporter actually apologizes for having written bad things about her in
the past that she is so sympathetic now to Britney Spears. So I can't
wait to read this book. I think it's going to be really interesting.
Also in the news this week, former President Donald Trump was seen on Halloween
with his wife Milania for the first time in seven months. Uh huh.
It was at a Halloween party in mar A Lago. They were not in
costume. She had a black dress on. He had a standard dark suit
with the red tie. No, I love this. You know, when
you read stuff from the tabloid, page six, they say sources tell page
six. Who are these sources and what are they saying? Well, apparently
Milania Trump has quietly renegotiated her prenuptial agreement with Donald Trump in advance of his
potentially serving a second term in the White House. So like what it's like
her appearance contract, she has to like do it, you know, Like
now this source is saying, really, she's just concerned about maintaining a substantial
trust for their son, Baron, who's now seventeen. But come on,
to go through four more years of what she had to go through, there
better be a payoff at the end. Rightly, I'm sure there is.
And because you have to be married to be president, I suppose so he
has to have his wife in order to like that's why they're well I think
you know, there's no law that said you have to be but in the
Conservative party, that is the Republican Party, it would be weird. It's
frowned up, like you have to have this quote unquote traditional family. Well,
he has money, so I'm sure he's throwing a lot of it at
her, so she could act like his happy wife. I often wonder just
wondering how many abortions he's paid for, just wondering in his life because he's
such a playboy. I believe it. I've read the nose. Yeah.
Also, this week I had dinner on two different occasions, different nights,
my boyfriend Julia and I with two different healthy couples, couples who had been
together more than thirty years. And it's always fun to be with two people
who've been together since college, who are healthy and support of each other because
I get to see the science alive. They don't know why it's worked,
and they also are very confused about people like me who have had a difficult
time, a challenging time with relationships in my life. But it was wonderful.
You see, when you have a natural secure attachment style, meaning you
can give love comfortably, you can receive love comfortably, you have enough of
a backbone to be able to take a little bit of criticism. You also
have the ability to say I'm sorry and take responsibility for a few things,
and you can give care. It's an exchange of care. These people do
it so naturally because that's what was done to them in their early childhood,
so their model for love inside their head is just well, that's what you
do, like, that's what love is. Right. Remember that's about thirty
to forty percent of the population. The other sixty to seventy percent have an
insecure attachment style. Either they can't tolerate intimacy and they're trying to avoid it
at all costs, but still maintain some kind of relationship sort of controlling people,
like an orbit around them and they're like a planet. Or they have
such an anxious style that they send people running for the hills because they smother
them. Or they have jealousy. In fact, later the show, I'm
going to talk about jealousy and envy and the role that they play in relationships
and what you can do. If you're somebody who feels jealous easily, I've
got some advice for you. If you're somebody who's in a relationship with somebody
who exhibits jealousy a lot, I've got some advice for you. All that
coming up, But first, when we come back, I've got to do
another deep dive on The Golden Bachelor, because I want my predictions to come
true, and I really think they're going to I don't know. Maybe I'm
just thinking like a producer being a sleuth online. We'll see when we come
by my take on episode six of The Golden Bachelor. You're listening to the
Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio
app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. That Golden Bachelor's
got a wandering eye. He's down to three women. He had wandered through
twenty two of them with his eye and got down to three. You're listening
to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty. You know,
I'm obsessed with this show because they're treating wise, smart, elegant women like
girls gone wild, and I know the producers are making them do that stuff,
and I'm sorry. Maybe it's agism. I don't want to turn on
my TV and see people in their seventy swap and spit in hot tubs.
It's not working for me. Do it, yes, I do it,
Just do it, but don't do it in front of the TV cameras,
because TV cameras are supposed to be entertainment. I just want to say that
Okay, you can send me all your texts and some emails saying that I'm
completely agist, and I guess I am, but I also have eyeballs and
I want to be entertained, right. Okay, So The Golden Bachelor,
if you're just tuning in, is about a seventy two year old bachelor that
who's a widow. Of course, has to be appropriate. He couldn't have
gone through three divorces like the rest of the world. No, no,
no, had to have a long, healthy, happy marriage and had to
cry telling the story about his wife's sudden death. He's been single for a
few years now, and his adult daughter said, Daddy, do this,
go out and join the Bachelor. So it's eight episodes long. I should
add that the premiere this year was the highest rated debut for an unscripted series
on a network. Well wait, since January twenty twenty two. Okay,
well we're talking a year and a half. Okay, so, and you
know, the premiere is what everyone wanted to see, like, who are
these twenty two women? Dress like schoolgirls? And we saw them and then
I'm sure the ratings have gone down a little bit, but from twenty two
we are now we've just seen episode six. We are down to three.
And this is if you've never seen The Bachelor before, this is when they
do the hometown visits, where now he goes and visits the family back home.
And in this case, usually it's the parents, right, go meet
the parents, but parents are all dead at this point, so now it's
meet the kids, the adult kids, the grandkids, the of sisters and
brothers, et cetera. So started out with Teresa. Now, I don't
know if you remember Teresa was figured was like really prominent in the premiere because
she's the one that got out of the limo and said, it's my birthday,
Gary, So I wore my birthday suit and she unwraps herself. But
she's just in like some Kardashian skins or something, skims skins, skims y
skims right this, you know, skin colored body suit. But she did
get a one on one date with him. She's the one who's been gushing
and gushing and she made that other woman, Kathy so mad because she kept
talking about connection, our connection. Supposedly, she's a financial services professional in
New Jersey, which means that she's apparently a senior compliance in operations Liaison,
don't know what that is. As I mentioned, she did rub some people
the wrong way, especially someone named Kathy because Teresa kept talking so much about
her connection with Gary and it made Kathy crazy and they got into a tiff.
But the producers love that. They set it all up a little girl
fight, right. So episode six, Gary travels to New Jersey. He
meets Teresa's family, her two sisters, He chatted with her grandsons, he
talked with her daughter. But here's the big moment. They have a private
moment together in New Jersey and Teresa tells Gary that she loves him. And
do you know what he says? He says, oh, that makes me
feel so special. We know who's not getting the rose, Okay, just
saying all right? Then, Faith her Faith. She's sixty one years old.
Teresa. By the way, seventy Faith is sixty one. She made
quite an entrance in the premiere episode because instead of pulling up in a limousine,
she pulled up on her own motorcycle. Now Faith is cool and tough.
She was born and raised in the mountains of Santa Cruz, California.
Then she lived in Utah, and she finally settled down in a place called
Benton City, Washington. Her biggest hobbies are riding horses and apparently a motorcycle.
So he goes to Washington State. He meets her sons and her grandkids,
and she also breaks down and tells him that she loves him. Ladies,
please but with faith. You know what he says. He says,
I love you too. Okay, So you think it's a done deal until
you meet Leslie. Now remember Leslie. She was the sexy dancer from Minneapolis
who said she once dated Prince. She's a personal trail personal trainer. In
fact, she's a former professional figure skater, founder of her own company,
which leads Halatates retreats in Costa Rica. So she's the fit one. Of
course. You know, I always say peers are attracted to peers across a
lifespan, but they're gonna pick the youngest looking peer. Leslie I think is
a little younger. I think she's you know, she's maybe sixty sixty one.
She's a fitness fanatic. Okay, So he travels to Minneapolis. He
meets her brother, her sons, her daughter, her grandkids. She tells
him Gary, I am crazy about you and he tells her he loves her.
What I know what. In one episode he's telling Teresa, uh,
that feels makes me feel so special. He tells Faith, I love you.
He tells Leslie, I love you. I feel bad for Teresa.
I know all. So the rose ceremony comes. We're down to three.
Leslie gets the first rose. I told you, we're all supposed to be
rooting for Miss fitness fanatic. Miss pilates, so she gets the first rose.
She's safe. She leaves. Then standing there are poor Teresa and Faith
and Gary starts turning on the waterworks again. Dude is crying, tears,
going down his cheeks, holding his little rose, trying to decide which lady
is going to hand it to. And then what does he do? He
drops the rose in the dish and walks out of the room. He can't
do it. Cliffhanger, cliffhanger, dun dun, duh. Okay, here's
my here's my prediction. Bye bye, Teresa fit body. Leslie wins.
Okay, I'm just gonna say Teresa has been too cushy cushi from the beginning.
Okay, now here's what I did some research. So filming began in
August, and the locations were. I think it's a mansion in Agra Hills
and it concludes, says the internet in Costa Rica. Ding Ding Ding ding
Ding who runs Pilate's retreats in Costa Rica. Uh huh, Teresa, he
said, Leslie, Leslie the hot body one, right, so the dancer.
But I also have another theory. So my prediction, Leslie wins and
it all comes down in Costa Rica. Or remember Joan, I said from
the beginning, Joan was the youngest, literally sixty, and the youngest looking
maybe something done to her face, and she had to leave because her daughter
just had a baby and was all postpartum and need it mommy. So we
have this feeling of compassion and sympathy for Joan, so she made this really
difficult decision to leave. Blah blah blah. If you look at Jon's Instagram
right now, it is highly curated. It looks like a freaking commercial ready
for sponsors. And the last video is her crying about having to leave The
Bachelor and saying goodbye to the Bachelor. No other posting. She's been gone
for since August, folks, since August she left that set. Where are
the pictures of her with the baby and the postpartum mom where her family life
back home? Oh no, no, no no. I feel quite sure
that there are two episodes left and she's going to come storming back in and
he's going to have to make a decision between Leslie and Joan, you know,
throw in a ringer at the end. I'm just making this up,
but I should be a producer of The Bachelor. Sounds like some good TV,
all right, when we come back. I did some research. Yes,
they do research on golden people and how they date. How golden mates
actually date according to science when we come back, not like they do on
the show. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wall Show on k I AM
six forty with Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM
six forty on demand. Oh and yes we do, Kayla, you picked
the best music. Thank you. Doctor. I am s exporting Doctor Wendy
Waalsh with you. Older women and older men, how do they actually date?
It is not like the Golden Bachelor. Nothing like it. Where on
the Golden Bachelor they have older people behaving like teenagers. This is not how
it really is. Okay, So if you've you know, i'm sorry to
say, lost your partner recently, whether through passing or divorce, and you're
worried about getting out there in the mating marketplace, and you're a person of
a certain age, I want to tell you that the fastest growing group on
online dating apps are people over the age of fifty. There are people of
every age on those apps getting out there and meeting each other. Now,
I will say that when you get to a certain age, love can take
many different forms, and you have to understand yourself and also have learned from
lots of your life lessons. So let's talk about what the research says.
How do older people date today? Well, they talk about sex in a
mature way, if they talk about it at all. One study done this
year found that older people sometimes experience shame and guilt about talking sexuality because they're
shackled with old fashioned stigma. Right, So, if you had sex for
the first time in the seventies where there was this really hardcore sexual double standard
and women were not supposed to have sexual experience and men were supposed to,
or a time before birth control where the risk was so high, or maybe
you were raised with religion. Then sure, you're going to have these old
ideas in your head, however, because you also don't know what's appropriate and
what's normal for these times and for this person. But there was another study
done and it was published in Sexual and Relationship Therapy, LOVE, these academic
journals. They found that age was not seen as an obstacle to continuously being
sexually active, and in fact, many couples of a certain age find new
ways to maintain intimacy and new ways to describe sexuality. I know, I
had a friend one time who, because of medical reasons, she and her
husband stopped having intercourse, and she said, but that's okay. We have
lots of outer course. So you know, there are ways to be creative.
But people are talking about it. They're talking about their health and their
changing bodies during those dates. They're not trying to pretend like they're a teenager
on The Bachelor. I mean, how many of those women have had Mona
lisa vaginal rejuvenation. How many of those women are taken hormones? How many
of those women have chronic bladder infections because menopause? I mean, are they
talking about that on The Golden Bachelor? Probably not all right. Another thing,
according to research that older single people do is they showcase very different traits
than young people in their profiles. Research that was published in the Journal of
Gerontology, of course, showed that online daters who are younger tend to really
brag about themselves, their achievements, how attractive they are, trying to look
as sexy as they can. But older adults tend to display more positive of
emotions, and they emphasize the importance of emotional connection, and also they emphasize
the importance of health. Right, So, my sweet Julio, you know,
when I first saw his profile, he had one sentence in it that
I will never forget, and it was I have been on a dramatic path
to mindfulness and authenticity. And I was like, woh, that's a life
of experience. I want to hear about that dramatic path. I want to
hear about how mindful and authentic he is. Now. Another thing, according
to research that older daters do is they sell fun and they sell honesty.
You know, when you're younger, you're trying to pretend you're somebody you're not
that you're richer, you're cuter, you're thinner, whatever. But older people
tend to be really, really honest. In one study, both men and
women showed that they were interested in a companion and someone who is fun loving
and kind and compassionate. Women in that study were looking for a partner who
was honest. You know, we've had a lot of lie in men in
our life, and who would do leisure activities with them. Of course,
men, not surprised, sought women who were physically attractive, but also who
could provide emotional support, very important. The other thing golden daters do is
they showcase wisdom. This is the sexiest thing to put out there in your
profile. And obviously you don't say the words I am wise. You sort
of talk gently about some of your lessons learned. Let's be real, you
don't get to be a certain age without having some past traumas, some health
concerns, some grieving over the loss of a previous partner. And this can
turn into a negative or it can turn into a positive, right. I
mean sometimes if you're a widow or a widower, you might feel feeling of
guilt or loyalty to a spouse who's passed away. But you can transform some
of those experiences into wisdom. And resilience right, being able to say,
hey, I've been through this and I survived. That's evidence of your strong,
great human spirit. So talk about the challenges you've been through and also
don't be afraid to embrace love again an opportunity. That's one thing the Golden
Bachelor does do. Right. They're all full of hope. They're all talking
about I hope I can find it again. I'm in love with love,
which is great. You know. There was another study I found particularly interesting,
and it had to do with how we perceive aging. So this was
done on people who are divorce, people who are widowed, people who are
single, people who are over all over sixty, and they found that divorced
or widowed people felt less positively about aging if you compared with people who are
still married. On the other hand, people who got married or entered a
new relationship later in life life felt more positive about aging than those who remained
alone. So relationships over sixty help you feel young again, help you have
a new spark for life. I know my Julio and I feel young when
we're together. We love to be out doing fun things and laughing, and
I think if I were alone, I get that I would probably feel more
like, oh God, what's left for me? But now we have so
many plans that it's exciting when we come back. One of the things that
Julio and I don't have much of, well a little bit, just enough
to keep us on our toes is jealousy. Uh huh. But I've been
in relationships where there've been terrible jealousy, damaging jealousy or feelings of envy,
two different things. By the way, I'll explain the difference when we come
back and what you can do to keep it from eroding your relationship. You
are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand
I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I want to welcome my Instagram followers. We've
just gone live on Instagram. You are in the iHeartRadio station. If you'd
like to see our show, then come on to Instagram. The handle is
at doctor Wendy Walsh. After the segment where I talk about I'm going to
be talking about jealousy and envy in our personal relationships. Then I'm going to
be taking your calls if you have relationship questions. The numbers one eight hundred
five two zero one KFI. I'll give out the number again at the end
of the segment. So a lot of people don't understand that there's actually a
very big difference between the feeling of jealousy and the feeling of envy. Producer,
Kayla, did you ever get them confused? I don't know the difference.
You don't know the difference, No, all right. So, envy
is the painful feeling of wanting what someone else has. So if someone has
a better job, a nicer car, better clothes, you're envious of them
because they have something that you want. But jealousy is that feeling of potentially
losing someone, getting abandoned by someone because you feel threatened by another well mate
poacher, right, and so you want to be protective. So jealousy is
when there's another person trying to steal your person, or at least you perceive
that, even if it's not true. You know, I've always said that
envy is one of the most dangerous emotions in our life. In general,
because it's often uncomfortable. And when feelings are uncomfortable, sometimes we don't allow
ourselves to actually fully express them, right, so we push them down.
And when you push feelings down and don't acknowledge them, oh, they come
out as behaviors, and sometimes really negative behaviors you don't even realize, like
where that came from? And why did you say that thing to that person?
And why did you not invite them to their because you were feeling envious.
I actually have a personal trick for what you should do with feelings of
envy. First, like every feeling that exists in our rainbow of feelings inside
us, you should allow yourself to feel it, be aware of it.
And then what you should do is turn it into a compliment. Voice it
even say Kayla, I am so envious of you. I love your hair.
I wish I could get my hair to do that. That's beautiful,
right, So it's kind of like you're owning it. You're owning that feeling,
and as soon as you say it, it becomes less dangerous. Right
now, It's different from saying I want your hair and I'm gonna take it
off, all right. You can't have that that's jealousy. That's that's if
you're trying to steal my Julio. So we have to convert it to compliments.
No, here's what envy looks like. If you're not paying attention to
envy, fake compliments, really disingenuous compliments you don't really mean it, feelings.
Let's talk about how envy can even hurt your personal intimate relationships. What
happens if your partner has a successful moment, your job is to feel joy
with them, not feelings of envy. Right, So if you find yourself
getting a little upset because they got the promotion or they got something great that
you didn't, that's you not managing your envy. Well. Also, there's
no place for competition in love relationships. You guys are a team. Any
win for one partner is a win for both of them. You're not trying
to compete with your partner. If you feel like, oh, I don't
want to hang out with my partner's friends, they probably don't like me,
then you're feeling less than and you're envy of their social connections. And if
you find yourself being critical of your partner's job or success at their job,
probably envious. That's what's happening. Now. Jealousy is a little bit different.
Jealousy means, you know, you're feeling threatened that your partner is getting
too much attention and you're not getting that attention. Maybe you're really just literally
imagining that every other person around them is trying to poach them. So it
might be like coworkers. They tell you about a coworker and you're like,
I don't want you hang you know with that person, no, right,
or maybe just friends. You're not going out for a girl's night. You're
not going to that place, right, I've needed that guy. Oh yeah.
So if you're finding that you have mistrust of your partner whenever you're spending
any time apart, that's on you. That's your inability to manage your feelings
of jealousy. Well, if you find yourself criticizing how your partner's dressing,
because we had talked about this, producer Kayline the fact in the past.
If you think your partner's out there trying to attract other mates by how they're
dressing, again, that's on you. Now, here's why jealousy is so
bad in your intimate relationships. It showcases insecurity, right, it makes you
look less attractive when you're out there saying where are you going? Who are
you gonna be with? Why are you dressing like that? You can't do
girls' nights whatever. It makes you look really insecure. And when somebody is
insecure, it lowers their mate value, makes them less attractive. Also,
if jealousy can cause controlling behavior, particularly when men are experiencing the feelings of
jealousy, right, they're gonna be like, no, you can't go there,
you can't do that. I don't want you doing that, and that
is never good for a relationship. That can send your partner running. Right
now, I do want to say envy and jealousy difficult, uncomfortable feelings.
If they're left unchecked, it can show signs of you know, resentment,
to resent your partner, there can be little fights and squabbles and ruptures all
the time, or at worse, abusive controlling behaviors. And ultimately, these
two feelings can end a relationship I think faster than anything because they erode trust
and trust is the most important thing you need in your relationship. Now,
I also want to say this, if your partner is expressing a lot of
jealousy or envy. You got to ask yourself, are you doing anything to
console them? Or are you exacerbating the situation? Right? So I remember,
years and years ago, I knew this person and she was always thinking
that her boyfriend was cheating on her, always thinking that her boyfriend's and he,
I know, couldn't take this questioning all the time. So he started
disclosing less because it's like she's hounding him for where are you going, who
are you with? Why'd you talk to that woman? Look at your dms?
Right, And so he started being more private and acting more avoidant.
And what did that do? Wound her up more? Right. I know
it's hard when you're the partner who's feeling jealous and they're insecure whatever, But
you got to turn around and say, baby, it's okay, I'm not
going anywhere. Calm down, We're gonna be all right. You got to
calm down, right, I love you, It's gonna be okay. Also,
if you haven't brought it up, talk it out very tenderly, you're
gonna say, hey, i've noticed, just bring up the behaviors to see.
I noticed whenever I go out you're mentioning that I'm looking too sexy,
or when I talk about something from work, you want to know more details
about them. You've got to find a way for the two of you to
come to terms, to get back to trust, and that way maybe through
couple's therapy, whether you're just dating, living together, married, couple's therapy
can always make your relationship better. All right, when we come back my
drive by makeshift relationship advice, Remember I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology
professor. But I've written three books on relationships and did a dissertation on attachment
theory, and I've got a lifetime of wisdom and I'm happy to weigh in.
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
That's one eight hundred five two zero one. KFI producer Kayla's going to go
screen the calls right now. I'm also going to be taking some of your
social media dms. One eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. Were
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty on demand