This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, The Great Love Debate. It's
the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debate.
Hi again everyone, It's Brian Howie. Welcome to the Great Love Debate,
the world's number one dating and relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am
back here in the very fine studios of Pod Popular Podcast for the People.
I am at the one in Scottsdale, Arizona. It is getting to be
the full Scott's Dazzle season out here. So if you got the time,
head on out to the desert, and it is the time pretty soon where
we are doing once again, probably are our two most popular episodes we do
any year, Our best and worst cities in America in which to find love.
We do this every year. We've done this. I was gonna say,
since twenty fifteen, nine eight years in a row, we're about to
do both, just to be fair and to be honest about it. For
most of the first eight years of every time we did it, I did
the show. I did those shows based on my own information from traveling around
and visiting so many cities because of our tour, so I felt I really
spent some time, I got a lot of input from people in the city.
I did a lot of research, we got a lot of feedback from
you guys. So before we came up with the top ten best of the
top ten ten worst, I really immersed myself in the muck. And I
was able to do that because I was on the road doing so many shows
in so many cities around the country and around the world as part of our
tour. To be fair, I did not do as many live shows in
twenty twenty three as I normally have done, or even a couple of years
before that, because the world shut down and blah blah blah. So we
are going to open it up once again to suggestions, recommendations, and nominations
from you guys. So, if you feel the city you live in,
or have moved from, or have visited, is it candidate for either the
best or the worst city in America to Find Love for twenty twenty four,
shoot us an email Great Love Debate at gmail dot com. Put in the
subject line best city or worst City. We should be able to tell by
what you're writing, but we will be surprised because some people send them like
wait, is that a good thing? Or is that a bad thing.
We will take all your nominees and we will get the lists out in the
weeks ahead. We're always excited about do that. To do that, we
always get a ton of buzz. The media always picks it up and runs
with it, like the Great Love Debate says Pittsburgh's the best, and it
is. But I'm not going to influence you. I'm not going to influence
the jury. So give me your candidates, your nominations, your submissions for
the best or the worst cities to fine Love for twenty twenty four, and
we will be rolling out that list shortly. I wanted to talk a little
bit today about communication, which I know we always talk about that on this
podcast. We've said since the day we started that the keys do everything when
it comes to love dating relationships are confidence and communication. And some of you
are like, wait, you said a few weeks ago that the keys were
passionate and curiosity. Yes, I stand by those, but in order to
find those and get results from them, confidence and communication are what really drives
the engine and what really needs to be worked on. So confidence, the
lack thereof, or building upon that, I think we've dealt with quite a
bit this year. We've had specialists on to talk about mental health and physical
fitness and emotional growth, all of that, and I think they are all
great episodes and it's great information. But the communication part, we all struggle
with that, and I am and have been one of the worst people you
can possibly imagine when it comes to that, as a and as a boyfriend
and as a member of society at communicating anything but mostly the right thing,
in the right way at the right time. I'm always surprised that I can
pump out these episodes of this podcast relatively eloquently and clearly, considering how often
I have such trouble one on one. But that's a different show for a
different day. And people have said that to me that I probably communicate better
on my show than I do in real life. So if you want to
have a quality, a meaningful interaction with me, listen to the show,
come on the podcast, or shoot me an email about it, and I'm
great. I think I'm great relatively now. On the basics, the please,
thank you, you're welcome, I'm sorry, I love you, things
all very important, extremely so, But the layers of my thoughts and the
nuance of what I'm trying to express and the poetry between the lines that is
often missing either in what I say or how I say it or how we
say it. So why do I bring this up today? So somebody emailed
me Tara from Arlington, Texas. Was the name thank you Tara, a
thingy, a picture with a meme, a little picture with the words on
it, and she said do you agree with this? And it's said,
shutting down instead of communicating is just as toxic as arguing. Shutting down instead
of communicating is just as toxic as arguing. And you're probably like, no
shit, simple concept. Of course it's bad. But but I think why
that resonated with me so much and why I wanted to talk about it today
is the word toxic, Because who would have thought not saying something adds toxicity?
And toxicity in a relationship is such an important element and such a destructive
one. So getting back to the shutting down part, that was my go
to technique. I think that was the technique I used way, way,
way too often. I was like, if they can see that I'm mad,
then they will try and figure out why, and then they'll realize that
they made me mad, and either they'll fix it or apologize for it,
and then I will be right. So the shutting down and the going silent
was about being right, which never should be the point in any conversation or
any relationship. It's not a game show. So a couple episodes ago,
I talked about the importance of being heard and hearing the other person. But
you can't do that if you weren't saying anything and there's no dialogue, or
if you're making them guess, or you're just completely shutting off the communication beyond
just having angry body language and scows silent treatment. So that's what I want
to talk about. How we do that, why we do it, and
what we can do about all of it. So I got to take a
quick break so our sponsors can communicate to you, and we will be right
back right after this, and we are back. So, as I have
said ad infinitum on this show, I'm not giving you advice. I'm giving
you my opinion. And my opinion is just my own on what has or
hasn't worked for me. But it is what we have heard over and over
and over from so many people, and just by that very fact that we
have done so many shows live around the world and have heard from the largest
pool of people on this stuff, then honestly anybody ever. I think that
this opinion is rooted in some things that you pretty much is accurate. Like,
I think I know what I'm talking about on this, and some of
these things are pretty much common sense. If you don't say anything, how
are they to know? But knowing when matters too. I know there's two
schools of thoughts on never go to bed mad, which I didn't know before
I started doing the show. I'm like, oh, there's two schools of
thought. I thought the old adage never go to bed mad was a real
thing. But there are those who feel that you should work things out in
a moment so it doesn't carry over to the next day. And I see
the point of that, and those who say, when you are tired and
upset and emotional, maybe a good night's sleep is what you need most to
calm and reflect and hopefully resolve. And I think that second school of thought
is gaining more traction. Maybe you should go to bed mad. It's how
you wake up, because it only has purpose and value if you get up
the next morning and say, can we talk and not in a way that
picks right back up at that angry point you left off at. It's more
like, I've had some time to think and there are a few things that
I want to share to see if we can come together on this thing that
has brought us apart. And I know it's not easy to say it like
that in a moment when you're pissed or whatever, but that word share is
in that sentence. Share to see if we can come together shares a key
to all of this communication when done right and with a positive purpose. Communication
is all about sharing thoughts, words, ideas, opinions, and yeah,
emotions, share emotions. So shutting all those things down tells the other person,
I do not care enough about you to try to get to the other
side of this issue. Our conflict, our conflict, both of us disagreement,
our breakdown. So you have to get to a place emotionally, maybe
after a night's sleep where you can speak calmly. But if you get past
that night's sleep and you're not speaking calmly, you can let a night turn
into a day, turn into a week, turn into the end. Do
you have to at some point summon the strength and the words and the calmness
to address the elephant in the room. Because it is there. It's not
going to go away. You have to say something. Can we talk?
Those are some of the scariest three words another person can hear, because they're
almost never followed by anything good. But if you softened it a little,
or if you said something like, hey, I'd love an opportunity to hear
each other out about what we were talking about last night or about what happened.
I think that's a little gentler. And no matter how furious you are
at the other person, if you care to talk and it means enough to
you that you want to say something about it, you must care about something
some elements of it, and hopefully them and what you guys have. But
this isn't just to use for bad things, because it's not just about that.
Sometimes silence comes from a place of positivity, but that can also bring
in toxic elements like doubt and fear and resentment, because the silence is about
what is not being said and what is not being heard. So what do
I mean by that? Well, of course they know I appreciate them,
do they We've been together seven years? Why would I be doing this with
you? If I didn't love you. You know, lots of people think
the actions speak louder than the words, another old adage, and I'm like,
well, not always. Sometimes we absolutely need to say and hear the
words, lots of words, because you know, communicating with positivity and with
purpose, they need to hear it. You need to say it, and
you need to feel it, both of you. So somebody says, what
do you want to do today? That's a normal question that you know two
people ask, probably when they're in a relationship. Certainly a nice thing to
ask because it means you want to respect their wishes and their opinion on the
subject matter, what do you want to do today? But their answer is
way more effective if the answer isn't I don't know, Maybe see a movie,
I don't know, you want to get some food. I think the
answer is way better if it's I don't care. I just want to be
with you. I mean, how many times have any of us heard that?
Not that many? Right, But it's awesome if you do, because
then the two of you, together, through this question and this answer,
you've established the desire to be together, to share time and moments and whatever
you are doing. The act is secondary to the fact that you are doing
it with them, then you can get into the war what how Sometimes and
hopefully you're just sitting next somebody in a movie theater and you're just like,
I love the fact that I'm just sitting here with them. I can't even
pay attention to the movie. I like the time we're spending together, or
a meal that you're sharing. You don't even remember what you're eating or why
this is it that matters? I want to do it with you? And
isn't that great use of words in communication and something that will never come out
of silence. They won't you think they know? They don't know because you
don't have to be extraordinarily eloquent or a master of languge is to express that
by saying that the person is more important than the activity, saying it out
loud, often clearly, honestly, passionately. I can tell you that all
the fancy dinner menus in the world they can't replace the effect that it will
have on you and them and the relationship. And when you know a lot
of people are going to counter when I bring this stuff up and say I
shouldn't have to say it. They should know if they are paying attention and
to that, I say, what, Like, what are they paying attention
to? If people quote unquote knew what you were thinking and feeling in silence,
probably seventy percent of our conflicts wouldn't even exist. We never know,
especially the guys. A lot of times the women, even when they are
communicating, they're communicating at a level that only dogs can hear. So communicating
in silence, it's probably never going to be effective. We always need to
hear it, we always need to say it, and I think it always
has value and I don't want to hear that. Well. If he says
it every day, it becomes white noise and gets deluded and it has no
value. I want him to say I love you when he really means it.
Trust me, if he says it every day, he means it every
day because you remembered to say it and he felt to say it and he
thought to say it. Not a quick love you I hear a lot one.
I think couples are in trouble when somebody says love you before hanging up
the phone and they leave out the eye. It's always a red flag to
me, Okay, love you. I want to hear I love you.
I want to hear the eye me totally means something and it totally matters.
You should never get tired of hearing him say you're beautiful, and you should
never get tired of her saying you're special or important, or that there are
grateful or happy, or that they matter, because if you don't say things,
then they don't matter enough. That's what you not saying something really says.
And we all at the end of the day, absolutely want to matter
in the world, to that person and in the relationship, because trust me,
the easiest part of the relationship should be saying the basic things that support
the most difficult conversations. It's a lot easier to have a conversation with your
wife about refinancing the house or switching jobs, or figuring out what to do
with your kid who's not doing well in school. It's a lot easier to
say all this, to have those conversations if there's a foundation of communicating the
daily basics. I'm sorry I acted that way. I'm sorry I didn't see
your perspective. Thank you for picking up the package for me. I love
the way you looked last night. If we can't say those things, we're
in big trouble. But if we can say these things and we make a
point to do things and not only just remember to say it, but becomes
a part of your routine, everything becomes easier and anything can be better.
So what do you think? That's my opinion. Now, there's always a
caveat to that right turning point. Sometimes things are better left Une said,
you should dial back one more. Fuck you, just dial that back,
just throw that one at Sometimes you're better off not sending that email or that
text or trying to get the next word because you want to be the last
word. Like there is some value in that. Sometimes silence is golden and
there's an adage that has a purpose, And I get all of that,
But that is for a moment, but after a breath, once you calm
down, not for weeks and not forever, just until you take a mental
inventory for a second to think, does this person or this situation merit any
ounce of my time or feelings to try to just not just work it out,
but just work through it our differences, this situation, these issues.
I'm not sure I do enough of that in professional situations. Not people who
work with me or work for me and certainly not on this podcast. Somebody
came up to me, not just somebody, her name is Nicole, and
I should honor that, and I need to say that out loud. Nicole
recently in person and said she has listened to the show for five years.
And I was flattered. But there was this part of me embarrassed to hear
that. But no part of me is anything but grateful, extremely grateful,
and I probably didn't express that in the moment well enough, you know,
I let like, oh what do I do with this information? Overwhelm the
fact that I was extremely grateful. And there are there are tens of thousands
of podcasts that people could listen to, and there's millions of ways to get
you guys information and that you could get stimulized. So in somebody, any
of you, and there's a lot of you, take the time and listen
each week or most weeks, or even just a week or two out of
the year. Shame on you catch up. I do need to communicate two
words and two things, thank you, and keep listening. So we have
a very big show coming up next week podcast not that this wasn't big,
but a big guest. So please like, share, follow, and review
this podcast. You reviews still after all this time, four hundred and something
something shows your reviews mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem, and to me,
so thank you very much. Shoot me an email Great Love Debate at
gmail dot com, not just to give me your submit on the best and
the worst, but also on your thoughts on how you communicate, why you
communicate, and the value that you find in communicating. Good Great Loovedebate dot
com. Our big tenth anniversary show live at the Boca Block Back Boca black
Box say that ten times Boco black Box Center for the Arts in Boca Raton,
Florida. Tickets are on sale for that. It's gonna be huge,
awesome, can't wait to do it. Tenth anniversary. Doing this a long
time, and we're going to keep doing it because, as always at the
Great Love Debate, we never stop making love. See you next time the
Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate. Degreat Love Debate. It's
a Great Love Debate.