WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.320 --> 00:00:05.080 You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy 2 00:00:05.120 --> 00:00:09.759 Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 3 00:00:09.800 --> 00:00:13.919 I'm doctor Wendy Walsh. I'm a psychology professor at cal State Channel Islands, 4 00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:17.160 but I am obsessed with the science of love. I've written three books 5 00:00:17.160 --> 00:00:21.120 on relationships, and my dissertation was on attachment style, and it is always 6 00:00:21.719 --> 00:00:27.519 my pleasure to share the science of love with everybody. Hey, Kayla, 7 00:00:27.600 --> 00:00:31.160 how is your Thanksgiving all go well? I love my family so much. 8 00:00:31.199 --> 00:00:34.320 It was the best time ever. I love the East. I want to 9 00:00:34.359 --> 00:00:38.600 bring them closer. I love the crisp fall weather big that we don't have 10 00:00:38.679 --> 00:00:41.719 here. Everywhere depends. We have all these microclimates all over town. But 11 00:00:42.159 --> 00:00:46.000 I love specially the turning of the leaves and the crisp fall weather. It 12 00:00:46.079 --> 00:00:48.920 turning up the leaves is my favorite. It's so beautiful. You know, 13 00:00:50.039 --> 00:00:53.759 what you just went through and what I just went through many people is something 14 00:00:53.759 --> 00:00:58.479 that humans that are very very important to our mental health, which are rituals. 15 00:00:59.359 --> 00:01:04.040 So you know, there's research to show that rituals can actually help dating 16 00:01:04.200 --> 00:01:07.959 couples, couples who have just begun to date, whether they have a future 17 00:01:08.200 --> 00:01:12.519 together. But I digress. Let me explain what rituals are and why they're 18 00:01:12.519 --> 00:01:18.840 important for our mental health. They're basically experiences, experience that are shared with 19 00:01:19.000 --> 00:01:23.200 others. And you know, often there celebrations, you know, their holidays, 20 00:01:23.239 --> 00:01:27.480 Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, whatever you celebrate, right, but sometimes 21 00:01:27.519 --> 00:01:33.480 their standalone events. I call those the kind of rights of passage. So 22 00:01:34.200 --> 00:01:38.079 some common rights of passage. If you're Catholic, it's first communion. If 23 00:01:38.120 --> 00:01:42.280 you're Jewish, it's your bar mitzvah or bot mitzvah if you're if you you 24 00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:48.879 know, lots of virgin coming out parties, the Kisinara. How come I 25 00:01:48.879 --> 00:01:56.439 can't say it's beautiful dresses, right, and there there were a lot of 26 00:01:56.480 --> 00:02:00.439 debutante debut parties that still take place around. But even around things like a 27 00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:04.920 wedding is a write of passage. We create all kinds of rituals around them. 28 00:02:05.000 --> 00:02:08.439 Right. We have a bachelor party, we have a bachelorette party. 29 00:02:08.520 --> 00:02:13.960 We may have wedding showers. When babies come, we have baby showers. 30 00:02:14.240 --> 00:02:20.080 We have graduations. So here's the thing about rituals. They are very important 31 00:02:20.319 --> 00:02:24.240 for our mental health because they bring people together that we need for part of 32 00:02:24.240 --> 00:02:28.199 our identity. Otherwise, we wouldn't see a lot of our friends from a 33 00:02:28.199 --> 00:02:30.800 long time ago, or family that we've left, our family of origin unless 34 00:02:30.800 --> 00:02:37.159 we have these rituals where we come together. But they also have big symbolic 35 00:02:37.400 --> 00:02:44.120 meaning, the symbolic meaning that you're moving through life. You're moving along now. 36 00:02:44.319 --> 00:02:49.199 New research study out of the University of Illinois says rituals can actually be 37 00:02:49.560 --> 00:02:54.919 a diagnostic tool of how healthy a new relationship is. So here's what the 38 00:02:55.000 --> 00:03:00.960 researchers did. They analyze really in depth interviews with forty eight different people. 39 00:03:01.039 --> 00:03:07.039 This was in the US Southwest. I think average age twenty three years, 40 00:03:07.400 --> 00:03:12.400 average length of their relationship two and a half years. And so they looked 41 00:03:12.400 --> 00:03:17.439 at the impact of rituals and they found that this couple, these couples, 42 00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:27.960 their commitment to eventually get married could either increase or decrease depending on what happened 43 00:03:28.240 --> 00:03:34.319 during that ritual. You see, you might not want to go visit your 44 00:03:34.879 --> 00:03:40.120 boyfriend or girlfriend's significant to others their family members, but it's really important that 45 00:03:40.240 --> 00:03:44.479 you know every family, family's nutty. You should know that every family is 46 00:03:44.520 --> 00:03:46.840 weird. When it's not your family, they're weird. They're all a bit 47 00:03:46.879 --> 00:03:52.319 weird in some way. But you got to put yourself in that situation and 48 00:03:52.360 --> 00:03:55.680 say, can I live with this weirdness? Right? I always say that 49 00:03:55.759 --> 00:04:00.840 when you meet somebody and you're deciding to have a life together, be focusing 50 00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:05.199 on how compatible you are, how similar you are. You should basically be 51 00:04:05.280 --> 00:04:10.599 asking yourself can I live with their crazy? And can they live with my 52 00:04:10.719 --> 00:04:14.479 crazy? And if you get to that place, then you should get married. 53 00:04:15.039 --> 00:04:18.800 So one of the things the researchers found is that when people spend time 54 00:04:20.120 --> 00:04:25.560 engulfed in each other's families, whether it be holidays, celebrations, or whatever 55 00:04:25.600 --> 00:04:30.319 it is, they it's a little window, a window into how people navigate 56 00:04:30.399 --> 00:04:35.439 conflict, how they have interpersonal relationships with family members. And so, you 57 00:04:35.480 --> 00:04:40.279 know, a lot of us have missed a lot of these rituals because of 58 00:04:40.519 --> 00:04:45.560 the COVID nineteen pandemic or the restrictions. Like for instance, this Christmas, 59 00:04:45.959 --> 00:04:48.920 I am going to my brother's house in Ottawa, Canada for the first time 60 00:04:48.959 --> 00:04:53.399 in three years. First of all, the border was closed for two years 61 00:04:53.439 --> 00:04:56.720 and nobody could see each other, and then trying to get everybody together on 62 00:04:56.759 --> 00:05:00.879 the same schedule. It was very, very difficult. So so the next 63 00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:06.160 day after Christmas, my boyfriend Julio is driving up to meet the family. 64 00:05:06.319 --> 00:05:11.720 See, he's going to come and look at the rituals. So it's going 65 00:05:11.759 --> 00:05:14.480 to be exciting to see what that's like. I mean, I've been with 66 00:05:14.560 --> 00:05:16.720 Julio for three and a half years, and nobody in my family except my 67 00:05:16.759 --> 00:05:20.839 kids have met him yet. So I'm excited. And so I look at 68 00:05:20.839 --> 00:05:24.319 this science and I say to myself, you know what this is. Right. 69 00:05:24.680 --> 00:05:28.879 So if you're thinking about avoiding, let's say you're dating somebody and you're 70 00:05:28.920 --> 00:05:30.040 like, oh, it's too early and I don't want to see their family, 71 00:05:30.079 --> 00:05:33.920 and it seems like no, go go get into their rituals. Go 72 00:05:34.000 --> 00:05:40.000 see how their family operates, because this is a window into your future, 73 00:05:40.560 --> 00:05:46.120 a window into your future. Now you probably know, if you've been listening 74 00:05:46.199 --> 00:05:49.839 to me for a while, that although I struggled with dating, I had 75 00:05:49.879 --> 00:05:53.240 twenty years of dating a lot of bad boys. So you know, I 76 00:05:53.319 --> 00:05:56.720 got years and years of therapy, went back to graduate school, got a 77 00:05:56.759 --> 00:06:00.759 master's in PhD in psychology, so that I could pretty much I myself, 78 00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:02.199 and now I just want to heal everybody else I want to. I want 79 00:06:02.279 --> 00:06:08.480 to fix them as well. But I found the love of my life when 80 00:06:08.519 --> 00:06:12.759 I was a woman of a certain age, okay, And I want to 81 00:06:12.920 --> 00:06:16.480 encourage you no matter how old you are, that love is always there. 82 00:06:16.720 --> 00:06:23.920 Remember, we have extra long life expectancies now, so even the most monogamous 83 00:06:23.920 --> 00:06:28.959 people may find two or three stints of monogamy because they outgrow that relationship, 84 00:06:29.040 --> 00:06:31.000 or God forbid, the relationship passes away. But we hope that doesn't happen, 85 00:06:31.839 --> 00:06:36.199 and you can find a mate at any age. I did, Julio, 86 00:06:36.279 --> 00:06:43.079 did? I mean? We have conversations about shared health insurance and pension 87 00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:47.560 plans in our first few dates. Right, very different than when you're dating 88 00:06:47.600 --> 00:06:50.720 in your twenties. So when we come back, I want to talk about, 89 00:06:50.839 --> 00:06:55.279 first of all, how I found love at my age, and also 90 00:06:55.360 --> 00:06:59.120 I've got some tips for you if you're dating over the age of forty fifty 91 00:06:59.240 --> 00:07:02.959 or sixty, because it's different. It's very different if you're older, and 92 00:07:03.000 --> 00:07:06.759 you shouldn't expect it to look like you were in your twenties, unlike those 93 00:07:06.800 --> 00:07:12.560 stupid producers of The Bachelor who literally made fun of those older women who I 94 00:07:12.600 --> 00:07:15.399 loved. I thought they were wonderful, but they made them act like girls 95 00:07:15.399 --> 00:07:18.199 gone wild, as if they were teenagers. It drove me crazy. When 96 00:07:18.240 --> 00:07:21.319 we come back, I've got some tips for you. If you're dating in 97 00:07:21.360 --> 00:07:26.120 your forties, fifties, or sixties, you are listening to The Doctor Wendy 98 00:07:26.120 --> 00:07:30.839 Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 99 00:07:30.360 --> 00:07:35.759 You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the 100 00:07:35.800 --> 00:07:41.319 Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the 101 00:07:41.319 --> 00:07:45.199 iHeartRadio app. So you know, I met my boyfriend three and a half 102 00:07:45.279 --> 00:07:50.079 years ago on a dating app called Bumble, and it's an app where the 103 00:07:50.160 --> 00:07:56.199 women are supposed to talk first, which actually doesn't follow evolutionary psychology, because 104 00:07:56.240 --> 00:08:00.000 I believe sperm is supposed to chase egg even if they don't want to read 105 00:08:00.120 --> 00:08:05.959 produce at our basic biological If it take us down to basic biology, sperm 106 00:08:05.000 --> 00:08:09.000 should be chasing eggs. So men should make the first move in heterosexual relationships, 107 00:08:09.720 --> 00:08:16.199 and so you had to do it on Bumble. You gotta talk first. 108 00:08:16.439 --> 00:08:20.879 So I believe that a woman should not say more than the word hi. 109 00:08:20.800 --> 00:08:26.360 But we had a really interesting situation with us because so apparently. So 110 00:08:26.399 --> 00:08:30.920 here's how it goes. You match with someone on this app, and then 111 00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:33.360 you have twenty four hours, ladies, to say something to the dude, 112 00:08:33.559 --> 00:08:39.159 and if not, the match expires. Now, if he's really interested in 113 00:08:39.200 --> 00:08:43.159 you, he can rematch, right, and he can keep trying. And 114 00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:46.000 if you're still not talking to him, then you know he can keep trying, 115 00:08:46.039 --> 00:08:48.840 but you can just ignore him if you want. And so, in 116 00:08:48.919 --> 00:08:54.080 fact, many women use this as a device to see if he really is 117 00:08:54.120 --> 00:08:58.440 interested. They literally do not speak to him on that app for the first 118 00:08:58.480 --> 00:09:01.600 twenty four hours to see if he rematch, and they only talk to the 119 00:09:01.600 --> 00:09:05.279 men who rematch. So, gentlemen, if that match has expired and you're 120 00:09:05.279 --> 00:09:07.639 really into her, please rematch. Because it worked for Julio. He apparently 121 00:09:07.639 --> 00:09:11.960 rematched a whole bunch of times. Because I didn't know how the app worked. 122 00:09:11.399 --> 00:09:16.080 I didn't. So finally, one night I was sitting in so it 123 00:09:16.120 --> 00:09:20.600 was during COVID quarantine, right, he had his young adult kids with him, 124 00:09:20.679 --> 00:09:24.840 I had my young adult kids with and the two of us separately, 125 00:09:24.200 --> 00:09:28.279 would you know, cook dinner, wash dishes, And then he'd go watch 126 00:09:28.320 --> 00:09:31.519 sports and I would go into my bedroom with a glass of wine and watch 127 00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:35.600 some comedy or something. And we just started swiping through the apps. And 128 00:09:35.679 --> 00:09:39.679 one night I looked at the app and I'm like, what are these little 129 00:09:39.720 --> 00:09:43.000 great out faces up there? Apparently there are men that rematch because I didn't 130 00:09:43.000 --> 00:09:45.399 know how to use the app, so I just clicked on the first one 131 00:09:45.679 --> 00:09:48.840 and it happened to be Julio and it turned out to be It was great. 132 00:09:48.879 --> 00:09:52.519 So here's my tips for finding love online, which is exactly what I 133 00:09:52.559 --> 00:10:00.440 did. Get on the phone rather quickly. Do not get into endless less 134 00:10:00.559 --> 00:10:05.279 texting on an app, because your brain has a confirmation bias. It's looking 135 00:10:05.320 --> 00:10:11.759 to confirm that the person is this magical prince that you have envisioned or princess, 136 00:10:11.120 --> 00:10:16.240 and so your brain is just going to read into everything positive. You 137 00:10:16.279 --> 00:10:18.840 need to get them on the phone so you can hear vocal tone. Don't 138 00:10:18.840 --> 00:10:20.960 be afraid, just give out your phone number on that app. You know, 139 00:10:22.039 --> 00:10:24.159 block them later. You know, we got all kinds of tech ways 140 00:10:24.200 --> 00:10:30.159 to protect ourselves. And also, don't match with more than like two people 141 00:10:30.200 --> 00:10:33.360 at once, because your brain also suffers from something called a paradox of choice. 142 00:10:33.759 --> 00:10:37.919 The more choice you have, the less likely you are to make a 143 00:10:37.000 --> 00:10:39.120 choice. And if you do make a choice, you're not going to value 144 00:10:39.159 --> 00:10:41.759 it that much. You're actually going to be thinking about, ooh, the 145 00:10:41.799 --> 00:10:45.320 fish that got away, the bigger, better deal that you didn't go for. 146 00:10:45.480 --> 00:10:48.159 Right, And then I usually advise after that phone call, don't ghost 147 00:10:48.200 --> 00:10:52.480 anybody, because you could go into a business meeting next week and they could 148 00:10:52.480 --> 00:10:56.240 be right there. So instead, have a nice, nice, polite little 149 00:10:56.279 --> 00:10:58.279 message that says, hey, it was great chatting with you. I don't 150 00:10:58.279 --> 00:11:01.600 think romance is in the card. I'll keep you in mind for a friend 151 00:11:01.759 --> 00:11:05.759 whatever, Just be sweet and let them go. So the first date should 152 00:11:05.799 --> 00:11:09.200 not be a first date. It should be a drive by date. It 153 00:11:09.200 --> 00:11:11.000 should be a quick coffee for twenty minutes and you don't even have to look 154 00:11:11.039 --> 00:11:15.159 your best. You're just checking them out, and then later if you both 155 00:11:15.159 --> 00:11:18.919 decide you like each other, then you have a first date. Okay, 156 00:11:18.399 --> 00:11:22.440 so that's my trick. But I have some other advice for you. If 157 00:11:22.440 --> 00:11:28.840 you are dating over the age of forty fifty sixty, here's some advice according 158 00:11:28.960 --> 00:11:33.519 to my late and light life wisdom. First of all, give yourself time 159 00:11:33.559 --> 00:11:39.600 to get over your last relationship, whether you're grieving the loss of a partner 160 00:11:39.639 --> 00:11:43.919 who passed away, whether you're recovering from a divorce. Don't jump into it 161 00:11:45.120 --> 00:11:50.039 just as sort of a high energy anxiety place. Go to therapy, grieve, 162 00:11:50.559 --> 00:11:54.480 heal, come to the dating scene whole, because you're going to need 163 00:11:54.519 --> 00:12:00.519 a lot of ego strength. Next, I want you to really think about 164 00:12:00.679 --> 00:12:03.919 what you want in terms of sort of the shape of relationship you see when 165 00:12:03.919 --> 00:12:09.559 you're older, you can have all kinds of choices. Plenty of people each 166 00:12:09.600 --> 00:12:13.000 have their own houses and they no plan on moving. Maybe they have kids 167 00:12:13.000 --> 00:12:16.919 in the nest and they say they don't want anyone sleeping over if there's a 168 00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:20.679 kid there. Maybe they don't want to have traditional marriage ever. Again, 169 00:12:20.120 --> 00:12:24.600 they may want a part time relationship on the week that they don't have their 170 00:12:24.679 --> 00:12:28.480 kids. They may want a situationship, whatever, polyamory. I don't know 171 00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:33.559 what you want. Whatever you want, figure it out before you enter the 172 00:12:33.639 --> 00:12:37.120 dating scene, because you're about to meet so many people and you just need 173 00:12:37.159 --> 00:12:41.799 to be clear about what your relationship goals are. But having said this, 174 00:12:43.720 --> 00:12:46.679 I feel I gotta say this. You need to be realistic. If you 175 00:12:46.720 --> 00:12:52.240 are forty, fifty, sixty, or seventy, you're not a spring chicken. 176 00:12:52.919 --> 00:12:56.240 You don't look like you looked when you were in your twenties, So 177 00:12:56.279 --> 00:13:00.360 why are you expecting your mates to be that. I have heard so many 178 00:13:00.360 --> 00:13:05.399 women say I can't date him he has a pot belly, or men say, 179 00:13:05.879 --> 00:13:07.039 ooh, she looks old, like, well, what do you think 180 00:13:07.120 --> 00:13:13.200 you look? We all look old. Stop it. I think what you 181 00:13:13.240 --> 00:13:20.519 need to prioritize when you're dating is shared values and emotional intelligence. You know, 182 00:13:20.519 --> 00:13:24.039 a relationship is an exchange of care, and that care can take so 183 00:13:24.279 --> 00:13:28.919 many forms. Right when you're young, it could be domestic responsibility care, 184 00:13:28.039 --> 00:13:33.440 sexual care, financial care, childcare, all that stuff. When you're older, 185 00:13:33.840 --> 00:13:39.240 it may be actually instrumental care in sickness and in health. Remember for 186 00:13:39.360 --> 00:13:43.080 both of you. It may be emotional support care. You may each have 187 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:48.360 your own money and have your prenups or whatever, keep your assets for your 188 00:13:48.440 --> 00:13:52.720 kids, fine, but does that person support you emotionally? Do you feel 189 00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:58.799 understood and heard? I also want to say, because I sort of alluded 190 00:13:58.840 --> 00:14:03.039 to it earlier, but make sure you go on dating apps. There's no 191 00:14:03.080 --> 00:14:05.080 way to meet anybody any other way as far as I'm concerned, unless you're 192 00:14:05.120 --> 00:14:09.440 joining all kinds of clubs and community groups and all that stuff. But you're 193 00:14:09.480 --> 00:14:13.039 just weeding through the thickets to try to find the one person when they could 194 00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:16.399 all be right there on the dating apps. Don't be shy. The fastest 195 00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:18.919 growing user on dating apps are people over the age of fifty, So get 196 00:14:18.919 --> 00:14:22.320 on up there and be honest about everything. You're not trying to pretend to 197 00:14:22.360 --> 00:14:28.000 be something else. Be honest. You don't need a thousand people to be 198 00:14:28.120 --> 00:14:31.519 interested in you. You need one right, You're only looking for one mate, 199 00:14:31.720 --> 00:14:37.679 So be as authentic as you possibly can be. And finally, go 200 00:14:37.759 --> 00:14:41.399 to therapy. If you've never been to therapy, this is a great opportunity 201 00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:45.919 because your therapist can act as your wingman or wingwoman, and as you're going 202 00:14:45.960 --> 00:14:46.960 on these dates, you can come back and go, oh, they did 203 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:50.200 this or said that, I don't know how I feel about that, and 204 00:14:50.240 --> 00:14:52.759 they'll help you sort out your feelings. I think it's so much easier. 205 00:14:54.039 --> 00:14:56.080 I mean, when I met Julio on our very first date, he said, 206 00:14:56.320 --> 00:15:00.080 by the way, my therapist said, I should tell you this and 207 00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:03.000 I was like, Ooh, I like him. He's obeying his therapist. 208 00:15:03.200 --> 00:15:07.799 This is great. Anyway, I want to issue the best and luck in 209 00:15:07.840 --> 00:15:11.960 the dating scene because at every age, across the lifespan, everybody deserves love. 210 00:15:13.039 --> 00:15:15.879 When we come back, I'm going to be going to social media and 211 00:15:16.159 --> 00:15:18.720 answering some of the questions that you guys have been sending in for me. 212 00:15:18.759 --> 00:15:22.440 You can continue to send them in The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh, 213 00:15:22.480 --> 00:15:26.399 Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, everywhere at doctor Wendy Walsh. I've 214 00:15:26.399 --> 00:15:30.639 got some answers for your questions when we come back. You are listening to 215 00:15:30.679 --> 00:15:33.759 the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on 216 00:15:33.799 --> 00:15:39.960 the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome 217 00:15:39.960 --> 00:15:43.399 back to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live 218 00:15:43.440 --> 00:15:48.840 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This is a section of our show that I 219 00:15:48.919 --> 00:15:52.759 like to call my drive by makeshift relationship advice. That's because I'm a psychology 220 00:15:52.799 --> 00:15:58.879 professor, not a therapist. Although i think I've read every scientific study on 221 00:15:58.080 --> 00:16:03.759 love. Let me be called your love educator. I've also had lots of 222 00:16:03.799 --> 00:16:08.679 life experience with every kind of relationship possible, like honestly, I've been a 223 00:16:08.720 --> 00:16:12.759 girlfriend. I have been a wife. I've been a divorce a I have 224 00:16:12.840 --> 00:16:18.399 been a mistress. I have been a living girlfriend. I've been single and 225 00:16:18.480 --> 00:16:22.120 a single mom. I've done it all, and luckily, with the help 226 00:16:22.120 --> 00:16:26.600 of a good therapist and going back to graduate school and getting a master's in 227 00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:32.919 PhD in psychology, I have figured out how we can all have healthier relationships. 228 00:16:33.000 --> 00:16:34.879 I'm certainly having one now, which feels good. So let me go 229 00:16:34.879 --> 00:16:37.120 to your questions. If you want to send me a question, you can 230 00:16:37.200 --> 00:16:41.200 DM. I won't disclose your identity or a handle or anything. I'll just 231 00:16:41.279 --> 00:16:45.919 keep it secret. Send me a DM on Instagram. It is at doctor 232 00:16:45.960 --> 00:16:48.519 Wendy Walsh. Okay, here we go. Let me open up these dms. 233 00:16:48.360 --> 00:16:52.480 Dear doctor Wendy, would you consider going out on a second date with 234 00:16:52.559 --> 00:16:57.720 a guy that asked you out picked the restaurant and then asked to split the 235 00:16:57.720 --> 00:17:06.680 bill But the conversation went okay, No, I don't even have to say 236 00:17:06.680 --> 00:17:14.079 more about that. No sperm chases egg not the reverse men showcase. Sacrifice 237 00:17:14.440 --> 00:17:18.759 by you know, paying for dates. At the beginning, he should be 238 00:17:18.880 --> 00:17:22.319 jumping up and down to impress you, but instead what he was doing is 239 00:17:22.359 --> 00:17:26.720 testing you. He was testing to see how far he could go. Were 240 00:17:26.759 --> 00:17:30.039 you going to split that bill with him? Were you going to get upset? 241 00:17:30.599 --> 00:17:33.160 I mean, I think the thing that bothers me the most about this 242 00:17:33.720 --> 00:17:37.759 is he asked you out, and he chose the restaurant. Why should you 243 00:17:37.759 --> 00:17:41.720 pay for his choices? That's what I say. No, I wouldn't go 244 00:17:41.720 --> 00:17:44.279 out with him again. Sorry, you guys can all email me and saying 245 00:17:44.319 --> 00:17:47.799 I'm cruel, but no, do not go out with him? All right? 246 00:17:47.960 --> 00:17:52.440 Let us move along, Dear doctor Wendy. Why do I get anxiety 247 00:17:53.279 --> 00:17:59.359 with physical intimacy? I crave a romantic relationship for the idea of it, 248 00:17:59.640 --> 00:18:03.200 But when I'm physically intimate with a guy, kissing or hooking up, I 249 00:18:03.319 --> 00:18:07.920 get so much anxiety after, and I feel like it's not right. I 250 00:18:07.000 --> 00:18:11.079 honestly don't know how I can ever be in a relationship with someone feeling this 251 00:18:11.160 --> 00:18:15.640 way. I feel broken. Oh, honey, Bunny, I am so 252 00:18:15.720 --> 00:18:21.759 sorry you're having this experience. I'm meant to share something very intimate when I 253 00:18:21.839 --> 00:18:25.079 was a young woman, like in high school and college, I used to 254 00:18:25.119 --> 00:18:27.759 have that same feeling. And in my case, I don't know about your 255 00:18:27.759 --> 00:18:30.839 situation, but in my case it had to do with that old fashioned Catholic 256 00:18:30.920 --> 00:18:33.839 guilt. When I was a little girl, my mother instilled in me that 257 00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:37.559 sex was bad and people who had sex were bad people. And so I 258 00:18:37.599 --> 00:18:42.680 had this shame and all comorbid with pleasure of course, because it feels good, 259 00:18:42.720 --> 00:18:47.759 but then I've just felt awful afterwards. It took me years to get 260 00:18:47.799 --> 00:18:51.519 over this, and I didn't do it alone. I did it with a 261 00:18:51.559 --> 00:18:56.279 therapist. So I highly encourage you to go see a licensed therapist, to 262 00:18:56.400 --> 00:19:00.920 go and figure out what is what critical voice might be in your head that 263 00:19:00.960 --> 00:19:06.200 are telling you that what you're doing is wrong. Because sex is beautiful. 264 00:19:06.559 --> 00:19:10.359 It's a great way for people to connect, and I want you to have 265 00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:14.559 a healthy, happy sexual relationship in your life. Thank you for sharing that 266 00:19:14.680 --> 00:19:18.960 very intimate thing. All right back into the DMS if you want to send 267 00:19:18.000 --> 00:19:22.519 one, it is at Dr Wendy Walsh. Hi. Doctor Wendy says this 268 00:19:22.799 --> 00:19:29.720 listener. My boyfriend and I went on a five month long break last year. 269 00:19:30.880 --> 00:19:33.720 I know where this is going. I don't even need the rest of 270 00:19:33.720 --> 00:19:37.880 it, but here we go. I knew he had casually dated someone or 271 00:19:37.960 --> 00:19:42.799 multiple people during this time. I recently found out that it was just one 272 00:19:42.960 --> 00:19:48.759 girl. And he still frequents her and her websites, her social media and 273 00:19:48.759 --> 00:19:52.119 her websites. Right, Oh, I think is only fans, so he 274 00:19:52.200 --> 00:19:56.599 frequents her OnlyFans. He went out with girl who's on OnlyFans. A lot 275 00:19:56.599 --> 00:20:00.839 of girls are on OnlyFans this time. Doctor Wendy sometimes supposed their feet or 276 00:20:00.880 --> 00:20:03.319 them eating. But kindergarten teachers I heard, are on there because we're not 277 00:20:03.319 --> 00:20:07.039 paying teachers enough. It's good money only fit. They're in there. So 278 00:20:07.039 --> 00:20:10.319 what they just stripped down and do their thing. Ah, you can strip 279 00:20:10.400 --> 00:20:12.319 down, or you could just post videos of you eating. You could post 280 00:20:12.359 --> 00:20:15.200 videos of your feet like men are creeps. You could post anything, you 281 00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:18.039 know. One time I lived in this apartment complex and across the hall there 282 00:20:18.119 --> 00:20:22.599 was a very pretty young girl who lived alone, and one time I had 283 00:20:22.640 --> 00:20:25.920 to go to her door because she was babysitting a little toddler and I was 284 00:20:25.920 --> 00:20:27.759 taken over the babysitting of the toddler. And I opened the door of the 285 00:20:27.759 --> 00:20:32.920 apartment, and the only furniture in the living room was a white fur rug 286 00:20:33.039 --> 00:20:37.920 and two spotlights. I think she was paying a rant with only fans. 287 00:20:37.000 --> 00:20:41.440 I'm pretty sure. I wonder what the toddler was playing with got a light 288 00:20:41.480 --> 00:20:44.319 in a rug? I oh, don't know. I don't want to think 289 00:20:44.319 --> 00:20:48.039 about it. Okay, So your question is what do I do? Do 290 00:20:48.119 --> 00:20:51.920 I just leave? I feel so lost. Everything felt like it's been perfect 291 00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:55.559 for the past eight months after our break. Okay, First of all, 292 00:20:55.559 --> 00:20:56.960 I don't believe in breaks. Okay, you know what breaks are. I 293 00:20:57.000 --> 00:20:59.960 want to break up, but I'm afraid to break up. So let me 294 00:21:00.119 --> 00:21:02.680 test the mating marketplace out there and see if I can get better than you. 295 00:21:03.279 --> 00:21:07.000 That's what a break is. You either break up or you stay together. 296 00:21:07.319 --> 00:21:10.920 Now you see the consequences. He went out there, he tested the 297 00:21:10.920 --> 00:21:15.319 mating marketplace, and maybe this other woman wasn't as into him as he was 298 00:21:15.359 --> 00:21:18.319 to her. So now he's waiting for her to be free again so he 299 00:21:18.359 --> 00:21:22.759 can dump you again. So listen. What you need to do is have 300 00:21:22.799 --> 00:21:25.839 a conversation with him. Put up a boundary, say this is somebody you 301 00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:27.680 dated. I don't like that you're following her. I don't like that you're 302 00:21:27.680 --> 00:21:32.799 seeing her only fans. If you're not willing to stop her stop seeing her. 303 00:21:32.960 --> 00:21:36.319 I don't care if it's electronically. If you're not willing to stop looking 304 00:21:36.319 --> 00:21:40.200 at her and only focus on me, then we're over. You got to 305 00:21:40.240 --> 00:21:42.480 be firm, Okay, be firm. You got this, Okay. I 306 00:21:42.519 --> 00:21:48.079 think we have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy. I am just 307 00:21:48.160 --> 00:21:51.240 not in the mood to date these days. I match with guys and they 308 00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:53.559 try to engage, and that's cool, but I'm drained by the end of 309 00:21:53.559 --> 00:21:57.039 my work days and dealing with men is the last thing I feel like doing. 310 00:21:57.440 --> 00:22:02.759 Will I be alone forever? No, you will not be alone forever, 311 00:22:03.079 --> 00:22:07.400 and you have every right to not date. You can take it when 312 00:22:07.440 --> 00:22:11.880 you're ready, you know. I remember one time saying to my girlfriends, 313 00:22:12.119 --> 00:22:17.839 we never settle down until we absolutely get sick of being single. And when 314 00:22:17.880 --> 00:22:21.440 you're finally sick of being single, you will find somebody. But my question 315 00:22:21.519 --> 00:22:23.119 is this, why are you on the apps and why are you matching? 316 00:22:23.119 --> 00:22:27.000 Because it sounds like it's draining and exhausting. Get off the I tell this 317 00:22:27.119 --> 00:22:32.079 to everybody on apps. Get on them for a few months, then off 318 00:22:32.119 --> 00:22:34.200 them for a few months, then on and off, and because if you're 319 00:22:34.200 --> 00:22:40.799 constantly on them, it's just like a carousel of revolving faces that never seem 320 00:22:40.880 --> 00:22:44.839 to go away. So take a break from those apps. You deserve to 321 00:22:44.880 --> 00:22:48.960 do that. When we come back, I'll continue to answer your relationship questions. 322 00:22:48.960 --> 00:22:52.079 You're listening to The Doctor, Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty 323 00:22:52.119 --> 00:22:56.839 were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty 324 00:22:57.119 --> 00:23:00.400 on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor to Wendy Wall Show on kf I 325 00:23:00.559 --> 00:23:04.960 AM six forty. I am going through these dms. You guys are shooting 326 00:23:04.960 --> 00:23:07.480 in those questions. So fast, so fast, so fast. Okay, 327 00:23:07.880 --> 00:23:12.319 here we go, Hi, Doctor Wendy. I just saw that Hinge Bumble 328 00:23:12.480 --> 00:23:18.680 and Tinder eliminated the audio video call feature. They want us to coffee date 329 00:23:18.720 --> 00:23:23.839 to death. Is this a better way to date? Hell? Yeah? 330 00:23:23.839 --> 00:23:29.359 Come on. I want to get you guys in the real world connecting. 331 00:23:29.880 --> 00:23:34.400 And if these apps are making you be glued to the app constantly messaging and 332 00:23:34.480 --> 00:23:40.279 just sending audio and video. I mean that was a COVID thing when you 333 00:23:40.279 --> 00:23:42.559 couldn't get out of the house right, Get out of the house. Yes, 334 00:23:42.880 --> 00:23:45.279 go have a cup of coffee. You know, I met this man 335 00:23:45.359 --> 00:23:51.200 once on a dating app and he told me that this woman, I guess 336 00:23:51.200 --> 00:23:52.480 she wants to say money or something, or maybe she wants to be safe. 337 00:23:53.079 --> 00:23:59.880 She would only schedule the coffee dates at an elegant car dealership because they 338 00:23:59.880 --> 00:24:03.160 had free coffee, and then he didn't have to pay, and she didn't 339 00:24:03.200 --> 00:24:04.799 have to pay. She must have known somebody who worked there. Maybe her 340 00:24:04.839 --> 00:24:08.079 brother was working there and looking over her shoulder. But is that the funniest 341 00:24:08.079 --> 00:24:11.920 thing? He had to meet her at a car dealership for the coffee date. 342 00:24:12.880 --> 00:24:15.119 Okay, come on, we can at least do a Starbucks, folks, 343 00:24:15.119 --> 00:24:21.480 I mean really, but yes, get out of your little cave, 344 00:24:21.960 --> 00:24:25.440 get out into the world, put a little lipstick on, lady, and 345 00:24:25.680 --> 00:24:30.359 go meet some guy for a cup of coffee. Dear doctor, Wendy, 346 00:24:30.559 --> 00:24:33.000 have you ever dated a guy who didn't have much common sense? Yeah? 347 00:24:33.039 --> 00:24:37.359 Pretty much all of them, she says, Can I build it with someone 348 00:24:37.480 --> 00:24:41.839 like this? Let's be honest, what do you mean common sense? Perhaps 349 00:24:41.960 --> 00:24:47.880 they're somebody who's neurodivergent and you should just give them a chance. Not everybody 350 00:24:47.960 --> 00:24:52.720 thinks the same way. But if you really feel you can't connect with somebody, 351 00:24:52.200 --> 00:24:56.559 then it's okay to move along. Right, It's up to you. 352 00:24:56.640 --> 00:25:00.480 But I do say stay open because sometimes when people don't have common sense in 353 00:25:00.480 --> 00:25:04.960 one area, they have supreme intelligence in another area that you might not know 354 00:25:06.079 --> 00:25:11.680 about. All right, dear doctor Wendy, my ex and I have been 355 00:25:11.079 --> 00:25:18.079 no contact for seven days, but I noticed him in some of my stories 356 00:25:18.200 --> 00:25:22.440 over the weekend. But just notice he blocked me. What does this mean? 357 00:25:23.240 --> 00:25:26.319 Okay? First of all, I just want to tell every woman on 358 00:25:26.359 --> 00:25:30.799 the planet stop analyzing your exes. It's not about them what you should be 359 00:25:30.839 --> 00:25:33.599 and you should be going to a therapist for this. You should be analyzing 360 00:25:33.640 --> 00:25:40.440 why you're so obsessed with what your ex is doing. That person's an X, 361 00:25:40.880 --> 00:25:42.920 right, an X. First of all, I applaud you for going 362 00:25:44.000 --> 00:25:48.599 no contact. I do not believe that with the flick of a button you 363 00:25:48.640 --> 00:25:52.599 can suddenly go from being somebody's deep, intimate, connected lover and best friend 364 00:25:52.599 --> 00:25:56.480 to oh we're just buds now, we're just friends. Right, It doesn't 365 00:25:56.480 --> 00:26:00.119 go that way, all right, You have to take some time apart you 366 00:26:00.200 --> 00:26:03.279 have to make sure you don't run into them. Change gems and dry cleaners 367 00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:07.519 if you need to, and yes, unfriend, unfollow them. I will 368 00:26:07.519 --> 00:26:12.240 tell you what it means that he blocked you. He's he had forgotten to 369 00:26:12.279 --> 00:26:15.559 go no contact in that area, and now he's keeping his promise to go 370 00:26:15.599 --> 00:26:22.240 no contact. So he's an ex. I'm sorry, move on, it 371 00:26:22.279 --> 00:26:29.480 doesn't matter. Now let him go. It's time, okay. Dear doctor 372 00:26:29.480 --> 00:26:33.359 Wendy, do you think men along the same subject? Do you think men 373 00:26:33.359 --> 00:26:37.039 and women can be friends only? Or does someone always get hurt? Well, 374 00:26:37.279 --> 00:26:41.240 I have a lot to say about this generally if you have. This 375 00:26:41.279 --> 00:26:45.160 conversation has come up in my Patreon zoom room a few times. There's some 376 00:26:45.200 --> 00:26:48.920 really great thinking men in my Patreon zoom room, by the way, and 377 00:26:48.960 --> 00:26:52.359 if you ever want to join it, you just go to patreon dot com 378 00:26:52.400 --> 00:26:55.160 slash doctor Wendy Walsh. Every Wednesday night at six point thirty, we get 379 00:26:55.160 --> 00:27:00.119 together in a zoom room. And most men say that, But if a 380 00:27:00.160 --> 00:27:04.640 guy is friends with a woman, he's hoping, he's hoping you'll have a 381 00:27:04.720 --> 00:27:08.960 chance. On the other hand, there are some married and coupled men who 382 00:27:10.000 --> 00:27:14.279 have female friends who are coworkers, whatever, but they're very clear about what 383 00:27:14.359 --> 00:27:18.920 the boundaries are. So if one of you is in another primary relationship and 384 00:27:18.039 --> 00:27:22.640 you want to be friends, you have to include the couple as your friend. 385 00:27:23.279 --> 00:27:26.759 Right. If you're doing private stuff alone with somebody's boyfriend or husband, 386 00:27:27.160 --> 00:27:33.079 that's a slippery slope, girlfriend, it really is. You should really Also, 387 00:27:33.359 --> 00:27:37.440 if you're in a relationship and you have an opposite gender buddy, you 388 00:27:37.559 --> 00:27:41.480 have to have very clear boundaries about disclosure because I'll tell you what leads to 389 00:27:41.480 --> 00:27:48.200 physical intimacy, emotional intimacy. If you start letting little cats out of the 390 00:27:48.240 --> 00:27:52.920 bag. Before you know it, you're having a drink at a bar together 391 00:27:52.119 --> 00:27:56.480 and somebody slobbers a kiss on somebody else and it's like, uh oh, 392 00:27:56.599 --> 00:28:00.640 there goes that slippery slope. So I think men and women can be friends. 393 00:28:02.799 --> 00:28:07.799 I do, but with boundaries. Your next question, does someone always 394 00:28:07.799 --> 00:28:11.240 get hurt? You know who gets hurt the one that's hoping for more. 395 00:28:11.799 --> 00:28:15.599 So if you or the other person is actually saying, well, I'll be 396 00:28:15.680 --> 00:28:18.359 friends and I'll be the nice person, I'm waiting in the wings even though 397 00:28:18.359 --> 00:28:21.799 I'm in the friend zone, and as soon as they're single, I'll dive 398 00:28:21.880 --> 00:28:26.680 right in. Then you are gonna hurt yourself. I also, because I've 399 00:28:26.720 --> 00:28:30.640 had this question posed before, especially for men, is they say, so, 400 00:28:30.680 --> 00:28:34.640 I've been friend zoned by this woman, and I feel like she's taking 401 00:28:34.680 --> 00:28:38.319 advantage of the friendship. She has me do so many things for her. 402 00:28:38.680 --> 00:28:44.039 I'm moving furniture for her, and I'm fixing her stereo, and I'm doing 403 00:28:44.079 --> 00:28:48.559 an oil change on her car, and I'm like, why why are you 404 00:28:48.680 --> 00:28:52.839 doing that? Right, So, we each have to be responsible for our 405 00:28:52.920 --> 00:28:56.440 own boundaries, because, yes, if you have a friend who's opposite gender 406 00:28:56.480 --> 00:28:57.640 and in the friend zone, who likes you more than you like them and 407 00:28:57.720 --> 00:29:02.279 hope they hope it's gonna be romantic, then they're going to sacrifice for you. 408 00:29:02.799 --> 00:29:06.200 Yes, we should have some compassion and responsibility and not ask them to 409 00:29:06.240 --> 00:29:08.279 do too many things for us. But on the other hand, it's up 410 00:29:08.279 --> 00:29:12.640 to each individual to hold their own boundary. You've got to say no if 411 00:29:12.680 --> 00:29:18.279 you feel you're being taken advantage of. And every relationship, every friendship, 412 00:29:18.680 --> 00:29:22.759 same sex, opposite sex, it doesn't matter, has a contract. It's 413 00:29:22.759 --> 00:29:26.880 an unspoken contract, but there's a contract there. So you have to be 414 00:29:26.039 --> 00:29:30.160 very clear about what that contract is. So can men and women be friends, 415 00:29:30.599 --> 00:29:37.400 yes, with boundaries and realizing what the contract is and having their own 416 00:29:37.440 --> 00:29:41.319 protect themselves from being hurt. That's important, Alrighty. When we come back, 417 00:29:41.720 --> 00:29:45.200 I'm going to address a very controversial tender topic. It's one that I 418 00:29:45.240 --> 00:29:52.559 teach in university. It is the topic of gender and the sort of trans 419 00:29:52.200 --> 00:29:57.079 phenomenon happening in our culture. And following that, I have a guest who 420 00:29:57.160 --> 00:30:02.160 has very strong opinions on the set. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy 421 00:30:02.200 --> 00:30:07.200 Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, 422 00:30:07.559 --> 00:30:10.119 KFI AM six forty on demand,