You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
I'm doctor Wendy Walsh. I'm a psychology professor at cal State Channel Islands,
but I am obsessed with the science of love. I've written three books
on relationships, and my dissertation was on attachment style, and it is always
my pleasure to share the science of love with everybody. Hey, Kayla,
how is your Thanksgiving all go well? I love my family so much.
It was the best time ever. I love the East. I want to
bring them closer. I love the crisp fall weather big that we don't have
here. Everywhere depends. We have all these microclimates all over town. But
I love specially the turning of the leaves and the crisp fall weather. It
turning up the leaves is my favorite. It's so beautiful. You know,
what you just went through and what I just went through many people is something
that humans that are very very important to our mental health, which are rituals.
So you know, there's research to show that rituals can actually help dating
couples, couples who have just begun to date, whether they have a future
together. But I digress. Let me explain what rituals are and why they're
important for our mental health. They're basically experiences, experience that are shared with
others. And you know, often there celebrations, you know, their holidays,
Thanksgiving, Christmas, birthdays, whatever you celebrate, right, but sometimes
their standalone events. I call those the kind of rights of passage. So
some common rights of passage. If you're Catholic, it's first communion. If
you're Jewish, it's your bar mitzvah or bot mitzvah if you're if you you
know, lots of virgin coming out parties, the Kisinara. How come I
can't say it's beautiful dresses, right, and there there were a lot of
debutante debut parties that still take place around. But even around things like a
wedding is a write of passage. We create all kinds of rituals around them.
Right. We have a bachelor party, we have a bachelorette party.
We may have wedding showers. When babies come, we have baby showers.
We have graduations. So here's the thing about rituals. They are very important
for our mental health because they bring people together that we need for part of
our identity. Otherwise, we wouldn't see a lot of our friends from a
long time ago, or family that we've left, our family of origin unless
we have these rituals where we come together. But they also have big symbolic
meaning, the symbolic meaning that you're moving through life. You're moving along now.
New research study out of the University of Illinois says rituals can actually be
a diagnostic tool of how healthy a new relationship is. So here's what the
researchers did. They analyze really in depth interviews with forty eight different people.
This was in the US Southwest. I think average age twenty three years,
average length of their relationship two and a half years. And so they looked
at the impact of rituals and they found that this couple, these couples,
their commitment to eventually get married could either increase or decrease depending on what happened
during that ritual. You see, you might not want to go visit your
boyfriend or girlfriend's significant to others their family members, but it's really important that
you know every family, family's nutty. You should know that every family is
weird. When it's not your family, they're weird. They're all a bit
weird in some way. But you got to put yourself in that situation and
say, can I live with this weirdness? Right? I always say that
when you meet somebody and you're deciding to have a life together, be focusing
on how compatible you are, how similar you are. You should basically be
asking yourself can I live with their crazy? And can they live with my
crazy? And if you get to that place, then you should get married.
So one of the things the researchers found is that when people spend time
engulfed in each other's families, whether it be holidays, celebrations, or whatever
it is, they it's a little window, a window into how people navigate
conflict, how they have interpersonal relationships with family members. And so, you
know, a lot of us have missed a lot of these rituals because of
the COVID nineteen pandemic or the restrictions. Like for instance, this Christmas,
I am going to my brother's house in Ottawa, Canada for the first time
in three years. First of all, the border was closed for two years
and nobody could see each other, and then trying to get everybody together on
the same schedule. It was very, very difficult. So so the next
day after Christmas, my boyfriend Julio is driving up to meet the family.
See, he's going to come and look at the rituals. So it's going
to be exciting to see what that's like. I mean, I've been with
Julio for three and a half years, and nobody in my family except my
kids have met him yet. So I'm excited. And so I look at
this science and I say to myself, you know what this is. Right.
So if you're thinking about avoiding, let's say you're dating somebody and you're
like, oh, it's too early and I don't want to see their family,
and it seems like no, go go get into their rituals. Go
see how their family operates, because this is a window into your future,
a window into your future. Now you probably know, if you've been listening
to me for a while, that although I struggled with dating, I had
twenty years of dating a lot of bad boys. So you know, I
got years and years of therapy, went back to graduate school, got a
master's in PhD in psychology, so that I could pretty much I myself,
and now I just want to heal everybody else I want to. I want
to fix them as well. But I found the love of my life when
I was a woman of a certain age, okay, And I want to
encourage you no matter how old you are, that love is always there.
Remember, we have extra long life expectancies now, so even the most monogamous
people may find two or three stints of monogamy because they outgrow that relationship,
or God forbid, the relationship passes away. But we hope that doesn't happen,
and you can find a mate at any age. I did, Julio,
did? I mean? We have conversations about shared health insurance and pension
plans in our first few dates. Right, very different than when you're dating
in your twenties. So when we come back, I want to talk about,
first of all, how I found love at my age, and also
I've got some tips for you if you're dating over the age of forty fifty
or sixty, because it's different. It's very different if you're older, and
you shouldn't expect it to look like you were in your twenties, unlike those
stupid producers of The Bachelor who literally made fun of those older women who I
loved. I thought they were wonderful, but they made them act like girls
gone wild, as if they were teenagers. It drove me crazy. When
we come back, I've got some tips for you. If you're dating in
your forties, fifties, or sixties, you are listening to The Doctor Wendy
Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the
Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. So you know, I met my boyfriend three and a half
years ago on a dating app called Bumble, and it's an app where the
women are supposed to talk first, which actually doesn't follow evolutionary psychology, because
I believe sperm is supposed to chase egg even if they don't want to read
produce at our basic biological If it take us down to basic biology, sperm
should be chasing eggs. So men should make the first move in heterosexual relationships,
and so you had to do it on Bumble. You gotta talk first.
So I believe that a woman should not say more than the word hi.
But we had a really interesting situation with us because so apparently. So
here's how it goes. You match with someone on this app, and then
you have twenty four hours, ladies, to say something to the dude,
and if not, the match expires. Now, if he's really interested in
you, he can rematch, right, and he can keep trying. And
if you're still not talking to him, then you know he can keep trying,
but you can just ignore him if you want. And so, in
fact, many women use this as a device to see if he really is
interested. They literally do not speak to him on that app for the first
twenty four hours to see if he rematch, and they only talk to the
men who rematch. So, gentlemen, if that match has expired and you're
really into her, please rematch. Because it worked for Julio. He apparently
rematched a whole bunch of times. Because I didn't know how the app worked.
I didn't. So finally, one night I was sitting in so it
was during COVID quarantine, right, he had his young adult kids with him,
I had my young adult kids with and the two of us separately,
would you know, cook dinner, wash dishes, And then he'd go watch
sports and I would go into my bedroom with a glass of wine and watch
some comedy or something. And we just started swiping through the apps. And
one night I looked at the app and I'm like, what are these little
great out faces up there? Apparently there are men that rematch because I didn't
know how to use the app, so I just clicked on the first one
and it happened to be Julio and it turned out to be It was great.
So here's my tips for finding love online, which is exactly what I
did. Get on the phone rather quickly. Do not get into endless less
texting on an app, because your brain has a confirmation bias. It's looking
to confirm that the person is this magical prince that you have envisioned or princess,
and so your brain is just going to read into everything positive. You
need to get them on the phone so you can hear vocal tone. Don't
be afraid, just give out your phone number on that app. You know,
block them later. You know, we got all kinds of tech ways
to protect ourselves. And also, don't match with more than like two people
at once, because your brain also suffers from something called a paradox of choice.
The more choice you have, the less likely you are to make a
choice. And if you do make a choice, you're not going to value
it that much. You're actually going to be thinking about, ooh, the
fish that got away, the bigger, better deal that you didn't go for.
Right, And then I usually advise after that phone call, don't ghost
anybody, because you could go into a business meeting next week and they could
be right there. So instead, have a nice, nice, polite little
message that says, hey, it was great chatting with you. I don't
think romance is in the card. I'll keep you in mind for a friend
whatever, Just be sweet and let them go. So the first date should
not be a first date. It should be a drive by date. It
should be a quick coffee for twenty minutes and you don't even have to look
your best. You're just checking them out, and then later if you both
decide you like each other, then you have a first date. Okay,
so that's my trick. But I have some other advice for you. If
you are dating over the age of forty fifty sixty, here's some advice according
to my late and light life wisdom. First of all, give yourself time
to get over your last relationship, whether you're grieving the loss of a partner
who passed away, whether you're recovering from a divorce. Don't jump into it
just as sort of a high energy anxiety place. Go to therapy, grieve,
heal, come to the dating scene whole, because you're going to need
a lot of ego strength. Next, I want you to really think about
what you want in terms of sort of the shape of relationship you see when
you're older, you can have all kinds of choices. Plenty of people each
have their own houses and they no plan on moving. Maybe they have kids
in the nest and they say they don't want anyone sleeping over if there's a
kid there. Maybe they don't want to have traditional marriage ever. Again,
they may want a part time relationship on the week that they don't have their
kids. They may want a situationship, whatever, polyamory. I don't know
what you want. Whatever you want, figure it out before you enter the
dating scene, because you're about to meet so many people and you just need
to be clear about what your relationship goals are. But having said this,
I feel I gotta say this. You need to be realistic. If you
are forty, fifty, sixty, or seventy, you're not a spring chicken.
You don't look like you looked when you were in your twenties, So
why are you expecting your mates to be that. I have heard so many
women say I can't date him he has a pot belly, or men say,
ooh, she looks old, like, well, what do you think
you look? We all look old. Stop it. I think what you
need to prioritize when you're dating is shared values and emotional intelligence. You know,
a relationship is an exchange of care, and that care can take so
many forms. Right when you're young, it could be domestic responsibility care,
sexual care, financial care, childcare, all that stuff. When you're older,
it may be actually instrumental care in sickness and in health. Remember for
both of you. It may be emotional support care. You may each have
your own money and have your prenups or whatever, keep your assets for your
kids, fine, but does that person support you emotionally? Do you feel
understood and heard? I also want to say, because I sort of alluded
to it earlier, but make sure you go on dating apps. There's no
way to meet anybody any other way as far as I'm concerned, unless you're
joining all kinds of clubs and community groups and all that stuff. But you're
just weeding through the thickets to try to find the one person when they could
all be right there on the dating apps. Don't be shy. The fastest
growing user on dating apps are people over the age of fifty, So get
on up there and be honest about everything. You're not trying to pretend to
be something else. Be honest. You don't need a thousand people to be
interested in you. You need one right, You're only looking for one mate,
So be as authentic as you possibly can be. And finally, go
to therapy. If you've never been to therapy, this is a great opportunity
because your therapist can act as your wingman or wingwoman, and as you're going
on these dates, you can come back and go, oh, they did
this or said that, I don't know how I feel about that, and
they'll help you sort out your feelings. I think it's so much easier.
I mean, when I met Julio on our very first date, he said,
by the way, my therapist said, I should tell you this and
I was like, Ooh, I like him. He's obeying his therapist.
This is great. Anyway, I want to issue the best and luck in
the dating scene because at every age, across the lifespan, everybody deserves love.
When we come back, I'm going to be going to social media and
answering some of the questions that you guys have been sending in for me.
You can continue to send them in The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh,
Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, everywhere at doctor Wendy Walsh. I've
got some answers for your questions when we come back. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on
the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome
back to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. This is a section of our show that I
like to call my drive by makeshift relationship advice. That's because I'm a psychology
professor, not a therapist. Although i think I've read every scientific study on
love. Let me be called your love educator. I've also had lots of
life experience with every kind of relationship possible, like honestly, I've been a
girlfriend. I have been a wife. I've been a divorce a I have
been a mistress. I have been a living girlfriend. I've been single and
a single mom. I've done it all, and luckily, with the help
of a good therapist and going back to graduate school and getting a master's in
PhD in psychology, I have figured out how we can all have healthier relationships.
I'm certainly having one now, which feels good. So let me go
to your questions. If you want to send me a question, you can
DM. I won't disclose your identity or a handle or anything. I'll just
keep it secret. Send me a DM on Instagram. It is at doctor
Wendy Walsh. Okay, here we go. Let me open up these dms.
Dear doctor Wendy, would you consider going out on a second date with
a guy that asked you out picked the restaurant and then asked to split the
bill But the conversation went okay, No, I don't even have to say
more about that. No sperm chases egg not the reverse men showcase. Sacrifice
by you know, paying for dates. At the beginning, he should be
jumping up and down to impress you, but instead what he was doing is
testing you. He was testing to see how far he could go. Were
you going to split that bill with him? Were you going to get upset?
I mean, I think the thing that bothers me the most about this
is he asked you out, and he chose the restaurant. Why should you
pay for his choices? That's what I say. No, I wouldn't go
out with him again. Sorry, you guys can all email me and saying
I'm cruel, but no, do not go out with him? All right?
Let us move along, Dear doctor Wendy. Why do I get anxiety
with physical intimacy? I crave a romantic relationship for the idea of it,
But when I'm physically intimate with a guy, kissing or hooking up, I
get so much anxiety after, and I feel like it's not right. I
honestly don't know how I can ever be in a relationship with someone feeling this
way. I feel broken. Oh, honey, Bunny, I am so
sorry you're having this experience. I'm meant to share something very intimate when I
was a young woman, like in high school and college, I used to
have that same feeling. And in my case, I don't know about your
situation, but in my case it had to do with that old fashioned Catholic
guilt. When I was a little girl, my mother instilled in me that
sex was bad and people who had sex were bad people. And so I
had this shame and all comorbid with pleasure of course, because it feels good,
but then I've just felt awful afterwards. It took me years to get
over this, and I didn't do it alone. I did it with a
therapist. So I highly encourage you to go see a licensed therapist, to
go and figure out what is what critical voice might be in your head that
are telling you that what you're doing is wrong. Because sex is beautiful.
It's a great way for people to connect, and I want you to have
a healthy, happy sexual relationship in your life. Thank you for sharing that
very intimate thing. All right back into the DMS if you want to send
one, it is at Dr Wendy Walsh. Hi. Doctor Wendy says this
listener. My boyfriend and I went on a five month long break last year.
I know where this is going. I don't even need the rest of
it, but here we go. I knew he had casually dated someone or
multiple people during this time. I recently found out that it was just one
girl. And he still frequents her and her websites, her social media and
her websites. Right, Oh, I think is only fans, so he
frequents her OnlyFans. He went out with girl who's on OnlyFans. A lot
of girls are on OnlyFans this time. Doctor Wendy sometimes supposed their feet or
them eating. But kindergarten teachers I heard, are on there because we're not
paying teachers enough. It's good money only fit. They're in there. So
what they just stripped down and do their thing. Ah, you can strip
down, or you could just post videos of you eating. You could post
videos of your feet like men are creeps. You could post anything, you
know. One time I lived in this apartment complex and across the hall there
was a very pretty young girl who lived alone, and one time I had
to go to her door because she was babysitting a little toddler and I was
taken over the babysitting of the toddler. And I opened the door of the
apartment, and the only furniture in the living room was a white fur rug
and two spotlights. I think she was paying a rant with only fans.
I'm pretty sure. I wonder what the toddler was playing with got a light
in a rug? I oh, don't know. I don't want to think
about it. Okay, So your question is what do I do? Do
I just leave? I feel so lost. Everything felt like it's been perfect
for the past eight months after our break. Okay, First of all,
I don't believe in breaks. Okay, you know what breaks are. I
want to break up, but I'm afraid to break up. So let me
test the mating marketplace out there and see if I can get better than you.
That's what a break is. You either break up or you stay together.
Now you see the consequences. He went out there, he tested the
mating marketplace, and maybe this other woman wasn't as into him as he was
to her. So now he's waiting for her to be free again so he
can dump you again. So listen. What you need to do is have
a conversation with him. Put up a boundary, say this is somebody you
dated. I don't like that you're following her. I don't like that you're
seeing her only fans. If you're not willing to stop her stop seeing her.
I don't care if it's electronically. If you're not willing to stop looking
at her and only focus on me, then we're over. You got to
be firm, Okay, be firm. You got this, Okay. I
think we have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy. I am just
not in the mood to date these days. I match with guys and they
try to engage, and that's cool, but I'm drained by the end of
my work days and dealing with men is the last thing I feel like doing.
Will I be alone forever? No, you will not be alone forever,
and you have every right to not date. You can take it when
you're ready, you know. I remember one time saying to my girlfriends,
we never settle down until we absolutely get sick of being single. And when
you're finally sick of being single, you will find somebody. But my question
is this, why are you on the apps and why are you matching?
Because it sounds like it's draining and exhausting. Get off the I tell this
to everybody on apps. Get on them for a few months, then off
them for a few months, then on and off, and because if you're
constantly on them, it's just like a carousel of revolving faces that never seem
to go away. So take a break from those apps. You deserve to
do that. When we come back, I'll continue to answer your relationship questions.
You're listening to The Doctor, Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty
were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor to Wendy Wall Show on kf I
AM six forty. I am going through these dms. You guys are shooting
in those questions. So fast, so fast, so fast. Okay,
here we go, Hi, Doctor Wendy. I just saw that Hinge Bumble
and Tinder eliminated the audio video call feature. They want us to coffee date
to death. Is this a better way to date? Hell? Yeah?
Come on. I want to get you guys in the real world connecting.
And if these apps are making you be glued to the app constantly messaging and
just sending audio and video. I mean that was a COVID thing when you
couldn't get out of the house right, Get out of the house. Yes,
go have a cup of coffee. You know, I met this man
once on a dating app and he told me that this woman, I guess
she wants to say money or something, or maybe she wants to be safe.
She would only schedule the coffee dates at an elegant car dealership because they
had free coffee, and then he didn't have to pay, and she didn't
have to pay. She must have known somebody who worked there. Maybe her
brother was working there and looking over her shoulder. But is that the funniest
thing? He had to meet her at a car dealership for the coffee date.
Okay, come on, we can at least do a Starbucks, folks,
I mean really, but yes, get out of your little cave,
get out into the world, put a little lipstick on, lady, and
go meet some guy for a cup of coffee. Dear doctor, Wendy,
have you ever dated a guy who didn't have much common sense? Yeah?
Pretty much all of them, she says, Can I build it with someone
like this? Let's be honest, what do you mean common sense? Perhaps
they're somebody who's neurodivergent and you should just give them a chance. Not everybody
thinks the same way. But if you really feel you can't connect with somebody,
then it's okay to move along. Right, It's up to you.
But I do say stay open because sometimes when people don't have common sense in
one area, they have supreme intelligence in another area that you might not know
about. All right, dear doctor Wendy, my ex and I have been
no contact for seven days, but I noticed him in some of my stories
over the weekend. But just notice he blocked me. What does this mean?
Okay? First of all, I just want to tell every woman on
the planet stop analyzing your exes. It's not about them what you should be
and you should be going to a therapist for this. You should be analyzing
why you're so obsessed with what your ex is doing. That person's an X,
right, an X. First of all, I applaud you for going
no contact. I do not believe that with the flick of a button you
can suddenly go from being somebody's deep, intimate, connected lover and best friend
to oh we're just buds now, we're just friends. Right, It doesn't
go that way, all right, You have to take some time apart you
have to make sure you don't run into them. Change gems and dry cleaners
if you need to, and yes, unfriend, unfollow them. I will
tell you what it means that he blocked you. He's he had forgotten to
go no contact in that area, and now he's keeping his promise to go
no contact. So he's an ex. I'm sorry, move on, it
doesn't matter. Now let him go. It's time, okay. Dear doctor
Wendy, do you think men along the same subject? Do you think men
and women can be friends only? Or does someone always get hurt? Well,
I have a lot to say about this generally if you have. This
conversation has come up in my Patreon zoom room a few times. There's some
really great thinking men in my Patreon zoom room, by the way, and
if you ever want to join it, you just go to patreon dot com
slash doctor Wendy Walsh. Every Wednesday night at six point thirty, we get
together in a zoom room. And most men say that, But if a
guy is friends with a woman, he's hoping, he's hoping you'll have a
chance. On the other hand, there are some married and coupled men who
have female friends who are coworkers, whatever, but they're very clear about what
the boundaries are. So if one of you is in another primary relationship and
you want to be friends, you have to include the couple as your friend.
Right. If you're doing private stuff alone with somebody's boyfriend or husband,
that's a slippery slope, girlfriend, it really is. You should really Also,
if you're in a relationship and you have an opposite gender buddy, you
have to have very clear boundaries about disclosure because I'll tell you what leads to
physical intimacy, emotional intimacy. If you start letting little cats out of the
bag. Before you know it, you're having a drink at a bar together
and somebody slobbers a kiss on somebody else and it's like, uh oh,
there goes that slippery slope. So I think men and women can be friends.
I do, but with boundaries. Your next question, does someone always
get hurt? You know who gets hurt the one that's hoping for more.
So if you or the other person is actually saying, well, I'll be
friends and I'll be the nice person, I'm waiting in the wings even though
I'm in the friend zone, and as soon as they're single, I'll dive
right in. Then you are gonna hurt yourself. I also, because I've
had this question posed before, especially for men, is they say, so,
I've been friend zoned by this woman, and I feel like she's taking
advantage of the friendship. She has me do so many things for her.
I'm moving furniture for her, and I'm fixing her stereo, and I'm doing
an oil change on her car, and I'm like, why why are you
doing that? Right, So, we each have to be responsible for our
own boundaries, because, yes, if you have a friend who's opposite gender
and in the friend zone, who likes you more than you like them and
hope they hope it's gonna be romantic, then they're going to sacrifice for you.
Yes, we should have some compassion and responsibility and not ask them to
do too many things for us. But on the other hand, it's up
to each individual to hold their own boundary. You've got to say no if
you feel you're being taken advantage of. And every relationship, every friendship,
same sex, opposite sex, it doesn't matter, has a contract. It's
an unspoken contract, but there's a contract there. So you have to be
very clear about what that contract is. So can men and women be friends,
yes, with boundaries and realizing what the contract is and having their own
protect themselves from being hurt. That's important, Alrighty. When we come back,
I'm going to address a very controversial tender topic. It's one that I
teach in university. It is the topic of gender and the sort of trans
phenomenon happening in our culture. And following that, I have a guest who
has very strong opinions on the set. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app,
KFI AM six forty on demand,