Ladies and gentlemen, Welcome to this week, the second of the twenty fourteen
Masscrypti conten Oh. Each of these elegant ladies of indetermined gender a vying for
your love, your attention, and your blood and your blood and maybe your
skin. Maybe some of them only eat bone marrow, some of them feed
on thoughts. I don't. I don't know. It's confusing, but welcome
and avoid eye contact and smiling is a sign of aggression, so he's avoid.
Don't show teeth. No enamel, no enamel. That's right. These
beautiful creatures are to sduce both your eye enjoy. If I rhyme it again,
I have to choose, so will ignore that pot. Hey everybody,
I'm David Flora, I'm David Stecco. Welcome to week two of the Miscripted
Contest twenty I hope everybody's doing well, and hope you're ready for another rocking
round of raging rush strokes. I hope you guys are ready for a lot
of weird stuff. There you go, Yes, there will be weird stuff.
I feel like we've got kind of a fendo in this week. Oh
yeah, have you noticed now? I didn't. It's all right, we've
got it like a like a midsized to small beast beast. Okay, carry
on that, I mean not don carry on. They fit in the oversized,
over hit department. Yeah, these be like the welter weights. I
don't know where the welter weight fits in. It's not a lightweight, it's
not featherweight. It's not a heavyweight man, welterweight these are These are welterweight
cryptis. I'll take that. Yeah, a good glup. They have to
box sugar a Leonard Floyd money Mayweather. Is he featherweight? Weh he's awful
tiny. You don't tell him that kick your ass. If it pays enough,
I'll let him. Yeah, yeah, we got we got a fine
assortment this week. Flora Hyle Dot's you break it down. I'll break it
down. Here's who we're all goling this week from Mexico. Ya ya yazdle
Okay, all right, um, stay, this is another thing for this
week. Staying in the America's nice interesting Los Americanos norte. Sure, just
the North America's USA in contiguous countries USA and autonomous international countries with by shared
direct border with the outside. Moving it up to northern Pennsylvania. Oh my
god, the Mexico of the East coast. Everyone knows that Pennsylvania is the
Mexico of America because it's a ton of fun and they're always sneaking into other
states. No rules there, and that wall walls not doing anything. That
wall we put her up. We're gonna be talking about the Squawk, y'all
talking about Squawk, and then moving down the East coast to North Carolina.
We'll look out the vampire Beast of Bladenborough. That's right, that's your lineup
for this week. M let's dive in and let's get your passports out.
Everybody got those? Everybody? Yeah, and get your fanny pats as that
and you're all your money in that that chest thing we're going to talk about.
A creature of Aztec mythology. Yeah, the Ahwitzaddle is a fearsome water
dwelling beast, infamous for its appearance and habit of dragging people to their deaths
beneath the water. That's right, But but I'm not. I don't want
to jump to the end. Okay, but if you were dragged to your
death in the water, something of a silver lining. Oh oh, wait
for it. I know, I know, I know, I'm just tantalizing.
It's described as being a small, modeled black creature resembling a dog with
an elongated snout, sharp teeth, pointy ears, short fur that gets spiky
when it's out of the water, and a long scale at the end of
which is nothing. Is just a normal tail, because a lot of animals
have tails that it's really not interesting. And I don't know why you would
classify this as encrypted. It was probably just a wet dog. Is a
human like hand boom. The whole thing is less than a meter long,
though it's not a huge hubb's hand at the end of its tail, which
is extraordinarily helpful. It inhabits fast moving rivers and lives in lakes around what
used to be to No State Law in Mexico, which is located now in
present day Mexico City. That's in the southern region of Mexico. The name
breaks down into meaning thorny one of the water. Yeah, so the fur
forms the spikes when it's out of water, that's the thorny part. Yeah.
And nothing ever directly says that they're spikes that are used either for defense
or combat or anything like that. So it's just an appearance thing. Okay,
okay, so that's not like a defensive structure, don't think so.
I mean, the more we'll get into this, I think. I mean
it's got that that that tail that can like punch you in the face,
or it can do that that thing that the three stages do where it's all
like whoo, both your eyes bong. It would be it'd be great if
it did that. It wasn't dangerous. It was just a sort of a
dick. Yeah. Um, it's it's mating cries wise guy, wise guy.
I don't know, guys, maybe we should. I'll show you why
another three stage sounds. Yeah. So we know about it mostly through the
Florentine Codex, which was compiled by Franciscan Friar in the sixteenth century. The
how itzaddle could use its tail to grab unsuspecting victims near the water and drag
them down to drown, where it would then feast on their teeth, nails,
and eyes. Now see, I gotta tell you right now, that
is magnificent. Huge points in the twenty fourteen Misscrypted contest because what I like
is the specificity of feeding. Yeah. Yeah, another thing that I would
read from different sources on this was that it craved flesh. But in the
in the Florentine Codex, which is I think where this all the derives from,
it mentions nothing about it eating people's flesh. Yeah. In fact,
it said that it leaves the body completely whole. What if it has just
terrible self image and it's like, I just want that flesh so bad.
Yeah I really should not. Just I'll just take the teeth and ass just
maybe some of these nails. I'll treat myself. I'll tell you what I
mean. I just I'm doing a clam so I just want the teeth and
the eyes and hals stuff. That's not fair, look y'all, I left
the rest of the body intact. I just ate that the worst crunchiest parts
and the eyes because I deserve it. I was on that StairMaster for forty
six minutes today. I want to pay so many water cows thinnings. I
can't even swim anymore. Wait, wait, wait, sitting befits almost on
sitting. Did you ever see that show? No, but it sounds amazing.
It's a real show in Colorado. It's a woman in a chair doing
hand exercises and like candy ass leg raises. And it was a show.
It was a TV show called Sitting be Fit and yes, if you were
really drunk, it was the funniest show on Earth. I was never much
of a weedsman, but I'll bet you being high and watching that show is
like seeing the face of God. It really worked. Yeah, shut up,
guys, I'm working out. It was also said to cry like a
baby to lure its victims. If it couldn't get somebody near the water,
it would sound like an abandoned baby would and you know, someone stout of
heart would come over to you know, save a baby. Nope, death.
After it dragged the person down, the body would then float to the
surface. But but what But only priests of the Tlaloka, the water deities,
could retrieve them, because it was thought that the victims were claimed by
Tlaloc the water god, and taken to the earthly paradise of Tlalocan, either
because of their good deeds or because they hoarded precious stones, so they were
either extraordinarily good and pure or just extraordinarily greedy. Either way, silver lining,
silver lining. If this tail grabs you by the throat and holds you
under the water. You're going to Mexican Valhalla. It's pronounced va ola nice.
Really well played, doesn't count, but really well played. So it
was it was like heaven on Earth if you if you got killed by way,
and he says, I got it too. It was just so excited
I was. I was by the river with my best gal and we were
just having a good time, singing some songs. I had a picnic water
skiing and all of a sudden, out of the water comes this this one
meter long creature and its hair was spiky. Weird man, really weird.
It hit a long tail with a human hand on the end of it,
and I was like, hey, baby, check that out. You think
that's the weirdest creature in the whole wide world. And then boom, that
hand was around my neck with the force of a hundred anvils, and I
just couldn't I couldn't breathe, I couldn't see anything, and I got I
got got tunnel of vision is it pulled me under the waves and I never
saw my babe again, and I never breathed another breath, but I was
in paradise from there on out. It was just great. Na, Nah,
that's not right. Nah, it was a fresh water incident. Oh
too much of that podcast? Too much an No. Pictures of Andy Daily
Pilot podcast project. If you're of interest, check it out. There's only
eight episodes. Yeah, you're probably like, um, listen to all of
our episodes. So maybe you should try that out for a day, Peyton
Bob. I'm not saying don't come back, but if you get sick of
our voices, which you might, try Andy Daily for a day. It'll
get you through a day much better voices than we do. Pictures of it
show up in the Florentine Codex and some carvings. Usually it has a curled
tail that it's kind of sitting on, or around or behind it. It's
theorized that the hand on the tail was just there to illustrate its prehensile nature,
not that it wasn't actually a hand on the tail. Oh. Here
you see this, You see this Paul monkey Tale, monkey Tale. And
since they didn't have a way to um indicate that it was you know,
prehensile or able to use the tail for stuff in their drawings, they depicted
it with a hand on it. Mm. That's that's one going theory.
That's a simplification. UM makes a little less sexy if in the crypted category.
But if if you're going for a little more rational route, that's that's
one way to do it. If we continue down that route. Scholars think
of Ahwitzotl as some kind of water guardian of mythology, but it does closely
resemble a real creature. Oh really, what would that creature be? Do
you have a guess or did you find anything of what this could maybe be?
I'll tell you what do you think it is? Okay? I think
it's a jager, that's what you think? Really? Yeah, that's small
though, he too jagger jaggar or or aquatic cheaper cabrah. By the way,
try to say chupacabra the Scottish accent right now, chupa cabra, cheap
cabra. Chop cab cabra, cubra. I canna you canna canna? I
didn't there it would be a choo picagua at that point. Nice man,
you're just just burning them. I'm just burning like a spreader. You get
to keep they don't get to keep them going into the smoke smoke ride.
It's all just throwing them in a trash can ride nord. We just fall
into like a candy chat there, no, here's I looked this up.
It resembles really closely a water opossum. Water possum. I didn't know there
was such a thing, as I thought next week Miscrypted twenty fourteen, The
waters. Yeah, you're not allowed. You're not allowed to say no.
Most people don't think it's a Bunyep, it's an aquatic bigfoot. You can't
just you can't just explain one crypted with another. It doesn't, it doesn't.
It doesn't forward us as a society. We gained no ground. Funny
you should mention bunyip though, because it doesn't. This thing sound a lot
like Bunyup. It was. It's dog like, yeah, watery. I
mean the tail obviously is different, but it sounds real bunny like. Yeah,
in a lot of ways. But water possum not encrypted. It's an
actual thing. It looks like a cross between a possum and an otter.
Hmm. But it has a long, prehensile tail. It has little hands
that are just gribbing and grabbing. They just groping. They're just groping over
different little filthy they just want to just want to. They want to get
in there, they get out of the water. That's enough. Okay.
Yeah, So a water possum if if you look it up and there's you
know, there's there's videos, there's pictures of water possums. It looks an
awful lot and they're small. That's the name of the Larry Photos Intramural water
polo team, the water possums. So there, there's there may be a
good chance. Although water possums don't grab people with their tails and drag them
to drown maybe not anymore, not anymore. Maybe they used to not since
you know, the Aztecs got conquered by the right. They were like,
oh things are changing, guys, guys, no more water drownings. Yeah,
Ideosmia. So anyways, that is the how it's side. Let's let's
flying up to northern Pennsylvania, shall we? Oh? I would love to,
because you know what I know about knowing Pennsylvania. That's squak contrary.
Oh, that's squaw shod Oh squawk. First of all, I'm already in
love with it just by the name alone. Yep. In the hemlock forests
of northern Pennsylvania, lives a melancholy little beast. That's a strange as it
is elusive. It's like an ambulatorious crowdom it is. Yeah, well,
if you want to describe it, boom. If you don't want to describe
it, then I don't know what to do for you, because that's what
we're doing on this Podcastan's better get it nice, it's better get used to
it. Dating back to the early twentieth century, in a book called Fearsome
Creatures of the lumber Woods, with a few desert and mountain beasts and beasts
of the water and jungles and even ice beast. Because this title isn't nearly
long enough, and oh dear, I've contracted dysenterry by William Cox. The
title ended at mountain beasts. By the way, um, Squonks are described
as quaint beasts with misfitting skin covered with warts and moles gross molimolimolimoli because if
it's it is always unhappy and weeps constantly. It likes to travel at twilight
and dusk squawking around. Probably doesn't like to be seen in the daylight.
Obviously, Yeah, I don't like you either. Apparently, squawk skin is
prized and squonks are hunted but are very hard to catch. When cornered or
caught, squawks dissolve into a mess of tears and bubbles. So how do
you get the skin? I don't know. I guess that's why it's prized.
Yeah, it does. It looks like just a little little walnut.
I'm trying to think. It kind of looks like a top heavy pug.
Yeah. Yes, the butt region, I mean from the from the illustration
in this book with the incredibly long title, the butt region is very skinny,
but the top and the head is very fat. The particular region and
the head is is almost part of the shoulders of it walks on all fours.
Yeah, it doesn't even have much neck, if any. Right,
and and it just goes around crying. Jesus sounds like my ex wife.
Oh, leave her out of this, dude. Cheryl was a dream and
your ruined debt um. Hey, I guess my ex wife's name is Cheryl.
So there's there's not much on the old squank. Well, it's a
creature of mystery. It is. It is. She's an elegant lady with
lots of mysteries, and I suspect an extraordinary amount of emotional baggage. Yes,
squanks are are hard to spot, hard to catch um, and then
hard to skin. Their defense mechanism just breaking down into a bunch of tears
and can't hold on to it. Isn't that just I mean, like,
do they reform? Is that just suicide? Like? I don't know.
That is something I wanted to find out, and I saw nothing that said
that, Oh there, you know, they'll they'll be fine later, because
it seemed like when when they did that to hunters or people, the people
would be just disappointed and they'd walk away. Dear mister President, I'll be
a happy taxpayer when the Defense Department has to hold a bake sale and Squawk
Research gets all the money it needs. Last bombs more monk Retharch love Cheryl.
I thought we were gonna leave her out of this. Oh, you
son of a bitch, toucheus. Get up there in the himlocks and try
to find them. You have to find yourself the squank. But if you
can't, or you won't, or you'd like to maybe turn the danger up
a few notches, then by all means, please seek out the soft,
cuddly the vampire beast of Bladenboro. That's North Carolina, of course, Carolina,
drive on down there in North Carolina. Now the Vampire Beast of Bladenborough
also known as just the Beast of Bladenborough. If you say, it's so
many times that you don't have time, yeah, or the Bob, the
notorious Biopi was made famous. It cropped up in the mid twentieth century.
Three yeah, yeah, a series of animal attacks between nineteen fifty three nineteen
fifty four, a lot of dogs being attacked. It might seem like a
year year's time, it was actually just a week or so at the end
of yeah, fifty three just kind of just kind of just bridged it over.
Yeah, the animals just one of their heads was torn off. One
of them was just uh like crushed, damp and crushed. They would say
it as though it had been just chewed in a mouth. Yeah. Now,
there are some folk will tell you that it was a wild mountain cat
moving through the area. That's not why we're here. Oh, welcome to
blurry photos where things a bird or a cat? Yeah. Um, did
you know that for a long time, what were thought to be in Europe,
the skulls of cyclops were just elephant skulls. Is that you know that
that's what happened. Did you know that there were at least three primary colors
in England they found a bunch of large reptilian skulls. I thought that surely
knights had ted dragons. Yeah, but that's what happened, But it was
actually dinosaur poons. Yeah, po Larry photos Jesus, that's us what we
could be. That's why we don't travel to alternate universes because we'd have to
kill those sorry sons of bitches. But didn't we gain their power? Oh?
Is that how it works? That's how it works? Gently? Oh
nice, the one, the one, you know, the one particularly famous
because it's the only really good UM as it's got Carlacaccini in it. Okay,
okay, no, uh it's got it's the depiction of paqua Cheng versus
Shingichuan. Those are two um fighting styles. They're internal fighting forms that were
one was made to combat the other. Paquachang you or bagua you. You
walk the circle, everything is circular and uh uh circuitous, whereas shing Chuan
is the direct crushing fist attack UM. And that's why, like they each
they were made to combat each other. Now that was about good jetly versus
bad jetly. It's right, good jetly bak wichange bad jetly shingishwan makes sense.
Yeah, always even always directed aggressive us. Oh man, hey,
there's your little digression. Now getting back to Bladenborough. When dogs can't keep
their foolheads. This thing is a destroying machine. Now. There have been
a few sightings of it over time. Yeah. Um. One thing that
it has in common with our buddy from Mexico a sound not unlike that of
a crying baby. Weird. So if you're in Blidenborough, forgets about the
baby. Nice, I just David Bowie this s Yeah. They witnesses generally
reported creatures that were They varied in size, generally ran between ninety pounds two
hundred and fifty pounds up to five feet long, some smaller. Some accounts
had had them looking sleek and black. Some of them had bushy fur,
they were brownish in color, They had runty ears. Yep. But like
you said, a lot of people likened it to maybe a small bear or
a big cat yep, like a panther or a cougar, cougar catamount,
mountain lion, cougar sound. I love that. It's one of my favorite
sounds. One man said explicitly though, that it had a face exactly like
a cat. Yeah. See. So now again, these these attacks were
in a very limited timeframe and because it's you know, it's after Christmas,
it's after New Years, there's not so much for people to do, so
everyone got up in arms about it. Oh yeah, they were massive hunts
organized. This was like Jersey Devil style. Yeah, this was a really
big deal. They were closing stuff down. Yeah, this was like when
everyone was hunting for Jaws and they didn't have a big enough boat, or
they did because they never caught them. And finally that the hunt was called
off until there was a fresh kill, more information. And while there still
maintains a sporadic but consistent amount of sightings, there's no more mass slayings.
It's been a long time since there was a slaying, and I think when
you remove the head from something, then that's when you've slayed it. Well,
one of the things that causes it to get the name Vampire Beast is
that some of the bodies of the dogs and other livestock were found drained of
blood. I thought it was because it was shimmery with glitter. That was
the original reasoning. But then someone kicked that person in the nuts for even
thinking that nice. So, yeah, no blood, and that's why it's
a vampire. It was exanguinated. Yeah, that's that's the term that's thrown
around. Yeah by as holes. Oh you just took a dumb ones.
It apparently ran at one woman, but then it turned around and fled when
she screamed, and that was the only real time that it came after a
person. Apparently it had a taste for a doug. Yeah, lots of
dogs, but then there was some I think some cows um a goat at
one point, some hogs were killed in that. In that spree and this
panic that that ensued with this thing, people started carrying guns everywhere, even
the kids apparently, uh a University of North Carolina for NY came down hunting
it to no avail, more like fart heels. Uh. Some folks were
too scared to even use the outhouse after dark? Wompomp Uh you know what
they used instead? What a thunder jug jess, No, it's not I
know, I know, that's not even a pun. That's just what they
called them. I Nope, that's just sometimes that happens. Thunder jug Apparently
before it was over, the mayor took a huge bobcat that had been trapped.
I thought, you're gonna say, dump a huge dumb launched into the
woods, but attack this from the hot of head. I stab at the
No. He took this huge bobcat that had been trapped. He killed it,
and then he hung it on a flagpole in the middle of town to
make people believe that it was the beast that was dead and calm people down.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Well, it stopped soon after
that. Maybe that was maybe. I mean, the thing is it sounds
like a cat. Well, it sounds like a vampire beast. Dude,
sounds like a damn wildcat got loose, scabus. It's not like a dam
likeness monster. You said that. There hasn't been any thinks, any slayings
since then. They tried to drum up some more crap for it. In
two thousand and seven, when we were slaying the prices off these sofas.
Oh no, we won't drain your wallet. There was apparently a bunch of
goats that got slaughtered in different various ways in a swatch of land all through
North Carolina in two thousand and seven, two thousand and eight, Monster Quest
went looking for the thing yawn, right, that is the show? Really,
if there was one sucking episode a Monster Quest where they came up with
a monster, it's not it's gigantic waste of time quest. They need to
let us do Monster Quest. At least we're entertaining. They just dick weeds
in a pontoon boat and some animation. It's hilarious because they'll they'll shoot some
film of somebody, yeah, and then afterwards they'll they'll layer in this like
creeping, hulking mass that's like stalking them as as an animation. There's no
one's happy with Monster Quest at all. Discovery Channel hire us to do Monster
Quest and do it right, dipshit. Please. They know they can't hire
us because we're gonna We're gonna come straight over to History Channel and pick some
sh up with George Clos And they know they can't afford that lawsuit. You
know what, because that's what I'm gonna do. I'll tell you straight up,
We're not gonna find shit, yeah, but you'll be entertained, right.
Motherfuckers who am I talking to Discovery Channel or viewers? I don't even
know anymore. I don't even know anymore. I think here's some conspiracy for
you. I think Discovery Channel went out and killed a bunch of goats to
drum up a bunch of Oh yeah, goats are cheap about ratings, tough
to get. They tried to drum up attention for the Vampire Beast. I
can tell you they got an East Coast producer over that, because those West
Coast candy asses would never kill a bunch of gass for ratings like a land
What was that guy's name, I know who gives a yeah, good asswhite
dips. That was his name. Captain Helmet, that's what I'll call him.
Wow, you're okay? All right? So that's the yep, that's
the Vampire Beast of Bladenburgs. Right, these three elegant ladies, and you
don't want to know what else is elegant? All right, good night?
Oh I was just kidding. Puns are elegant. They're like dainty ladies.
Oh and they're just dropping their their kerchiefs, so who can pick it up?
All right? Uh? Well, yeah, of course I would.
You know, there was a belief that given it's it's it's the messenger of
the God, that the uh, the alexaddle, you know, could also
confer benefits to the living as opposed to just choking them and drowning them,
and that if you could squeek, you know, just get the water off
of one and bottle it, that that would it would give you immeasurable benefits,
which was eventually, you know, they made a brand name and they
made a lot of money in Central America off the Ketsicottle aw saddle Agua bottle.
Yeah, a lot a lot of money to be made there. Yeah,
it sounds like you spent a lot of money on that punt. Oh
yeah, I did. Pretty shiny, pretty shining. Well, I've got
I've got a North Carolina Mexican restaurant speaking of Agua bottles. Uh, it's
a North Carolina Mexican restaurant that there was one. There was about a week
that they that they served dessert and then they just stopped. What Yeah,
they served a bunch of dessert and then they then they just stopped and uh
for that week it was the pan fried feast of braided turos. Nice.
That was really, really well done. That was elaborate. Oh man,
oh man, I was going to go with the campfire feast. Oh that's
when I'm in an earlier pun that I was concerned. It's good, yeah,
but couldn't come up with the braided tchuros part No, I could not.
I couldn't come up with the braided churros. It's brilliant. You're the
people's poet. I like campfire feast though. That's good. All right,
yeah, and now und done. For the winner of Week one of the
twenty fourteen Missus Contest is please wait, oh as we did from last year,
or in control of the data. You're the master of this, right.
I am the ignorant guy in the sidecar throwing pies at pigeons. I
don't know the winner, and this is what I remember from last year.
This is a fun game for me and probably no one else, because they
were like, oh oh, they almost said the thing I wanted to hear,
but now they're not gonna I want to guess. Okay, the winner.
So we had the mermaid, Yes, Jeff the talking mongoose, we
did, and that's true. I it's gonna be Jeff the talking Mongoose.
Oh, yeah, I am. I would be willing to pay. I
would be willing to wager a sum of money on that. Why do you
think that is? Well, first of all, it's it's a cryptid with
a name. His name's Jeff. That's true. He's a mongoose in England.
Yeah, on the isle of man. That makes no sense, delicious.
Also, we had a lot of fun filling in a lot of details
about him that that lesser interesting. Cryptids don't get so much. There are
was exactly So for those reasons, I'm gonna go ahead and call it that.
I think it was Jeff interesting. We just got the tape. We
just got the test back. The light detector said, the winner is Jeff
the Everyone who home went I'll take that bet. All of you owe me
money. Yes, congratulations Jeff the Talking Mongoose. You are in the finals
of the twenty fourteen Miss Crypted Contest. Well, I thank you kindly.
I mean, I'll just no, I'm just a mongoose, just living in
the wolves talking to people. John, I just figure out how to hell
I got here in England. Well, I thank you kindly. There was
some mention of a check one step closer to the Golden Goatman. Congratulations,
stay tuned for the winner of this week. That's right next week. It's
that's how it goes. This is how the electrical, the electrical or the
electoral process works. Thanks to everyone who cast a vote. Thank you for
exercising your democrat your democratic rights and your demographic rights right because you are the
demographic We're hitting you hard. Ye, go and vote for this week's cryptid
yes, crypted favorite. Uh. That also gets you another entry into the
blurry Photos prize pack, where you could win your very own Golden Goatman of
other under delights yep, lots of junk to be had. So thank you
for voting, and vote early and vote often. Yeah, and and by
often, we woving once because that's all that counts. M. Don't skew
the statistics, and don't go jerrymandering the districts just home just to get the
vote the way you like it. It's rude and it's not what americans.
I hate Jerry and I hate his Mandarin m political tirade. To do so,
you can go to blurry photos dot org. It's right there on the
home page. Ye, scroll down to the little survey and catch a vote
into your name into your email and boom, your does take. It takes
thirty seconds. It's right, it's all it takes. Anyways, Look for
a new episode soon, yeah, soon, soon, like soon in the
manner of what is soon sooner, But for week two of the twenty fourteen
miscripted contest, I've been the vampire beast of David Floro Nice and I'm David
Squanko. See you next week.