The opinions expressed by Chayo Busquets are supported by his extensive experience as a family
therapist and in the previous analysis of the cases presented here welcome, that is,
chayo with you in jewel. We begin very good afternoon to everyone as
I am Chayo buscatcha these Chayo with you and we are ready to start today
' s program. But also, for the beginning of Holy Week, week
greater than in Mexico, because it involves holidays for many people, children,
students in general, for everyone this week, at least with absolute certainty and
for many parents, many workers, because it also ends up becoming a week
just to accompany sometimes the children, because it is the time when you can
take a few days, given what meets with Thursday and Friday. Holy in
the end, everyone knows their situation. But we have and have been warning
you since last week, that we have a whole series of programs this week
prepared especially for you. Today, tomorrow and the day after, we will
be running just the programs for the children and adolescents who are, so,
given the holidays, being able to listen to the program and juaves and friday,
we will have the repetition of two programs that have been very requested by
you for your broadcast, one with our partner therapist Taritrón, and the other
with Eduardo Calixto, who was with us in the special programs of March 8.
So let' s start today. Today we are going to talk about
a situation that sometimes the children, s two teenagers, put them in a
complicated, not pleasant, unwanted situation. And that' s when separation or
divorce comes to their families, when their parents get into a situation of wanting
to solve their private life, their personal life. And that no longer involves
the couple and who up to now was their dad or their mom. And
one of the difficult questions to understand, especially when we are as children where,
unless the level of conflict is truly impossible and you live with fear that
there are, there are children who say already, please, that they separate,
but the vast majority is not going to be something you will want.
And between the complication that parents bring with their own personal situation and their own
conflicts in the couple' s relationship. Sometimes they don' t communicate things
in a good way. To you as children, the first thing we have
to understand is that when our family lived together, my dad, my mom,
either my parents, because they were a homo parental family and they were
both male or both female, we had had the fortune to form a single
nucleus. Clearly, separation seems inconceivable to us. And what' s happening
there is that, because never since the possibility of separation was not contemplated,
because people had never thought about clarifying to the children how lucky you are that
the personal life of your mom, your dad as a couple coincides with the
fact that we are your parents, but that' s not necessarily always the
case. And then, in the face of that process, when mom and
dad tell us they' re going to split up or get divorced, we
find it inconceivable, because we think there' s no way to be a
family with mom and dad if these aren' t together like that. It
' s just that the first shock you' re going to face is how
what' s going to happen now with the relationship with my dad and my
mom. And once we make this approach to the possibility of separation and subsequent
divorce of parents, when they were legally or religiously married in some way,
this first moment comes. But how we' re going to do it and
what' s going to happen, because if this breaks down, it'
s probably going to disrupt my relationship with someone who doesn' t live in
this house anymore. It is normal that, within the anger of the pain
generated by the separation, there are clumsy parents who are not able to handle
themselves in the face of the situation because breaking a couple relationship is not so
simple. In fact, there is usually a pre- child relationship, or
a formal relationship was hurried to be waiting for the first of the children.
I' m sorry this here is that from this moment on it' s
going to be obvious to you as a son, as a daughter, that
everyone is going to have to start responding to you in relation to your parenthood
and motherhood and you' re going to start living a different time where you
would tell me, but why don' t you stay if the most important
thing is us, your children, why don' t you stay living together.
First, why they no longer feel the kind of love or the kind
of commitment in that relationship they have to feel or have to feel to be
in a couple relationship. And second, because yourself, yourself, is not
good for you, because today, in a momentary desire, you are going
to wish that yes, that they sacrifice themselves for you, but once you
get to adulthood and take into account the implication that a person has to sacrifice
his personal life and his personal happiness for not taking away from YOU the possibility
of continuing to live in a pseudofamily, because in reality you no longer want
to be there. It' s going to be something that, once you
understand it, you' re going to feel a terrible feeling of guilt,
that' s going to make you feel that you' re constantly indebted to
your parents, and this is something that you shouldn' t carry any children
in your adult life, think that your dad and/ or your mom sacrificed
their desire and their personal life for not taking away their children' s presence
in that way as they were for their parents', both parents',
s simultaneously so it' s well worth learning how to give the opportunity to
see how life is going to be now, when dad and mom don'
t live together. It hurts, yes, but it gets over you get
used to it, you adapt and you realize that in reality, the only
thing that changed is the way of life, but you didn' t lose
either dad or mom. Well, we' re back and surely many of
you who listen to me will think how easy it is to say but it
hurts a lot. And it does hurt a lot. The truth is that
a separation is going to test the parents, but it' s going to
test especially in relation to you as their son or daughter, their paternity,
their motherhood, that is, they' re going to take a time when
they' re going to be desperate, angry, especially if one of them
decided that they didn' t want to go on anymore and the other did.
He' s going to live with great frustration this situation. And there
' s something hard to understand, and it' s that when we human
beings enter into a couple relationship, we have to assume when we walk with
someone that the other is going to have the right to say no more at
some point. If that doesn' t happen, bless you, but if
it does happen that a person doesn' t want to stay in a couple
relationship anymore. Enough and this is hard learning. When we' re kids,
we' re teenagers and we' re seeing our family break because it
takes a lot of work to understand. Well, it' s just that
if my dad does want to follow my mom because he asked her to leave,
or why, the other way around, no. And the truth is
that it' s going to make you angry, it' s going to
make you frustrated, it' s going to make you want not to see
that member, especially if your parents made the mistake of telling you who it
was that decided it was over. Because actually, that' s a private
matter for couples. The only thing that couples have to communicate to their children
is that in that relationship they are already giving us the conditions to continue and
that they deserve parents who love each other. Or, otherwise, have your
parents separate. And it is extremely difficult to accept and assume, especially if
the conflict continues to exist for a while. Why. Why if they fight
together and fight separately, then they better live together. And I' m
happy because I have my parents in my house if they still fight anyway.
But that' s usually going to be a process of adaptation to this situation
where we get mad at each other and see that I had reason to separate
from the other person because I don' t like what it' s like
anymore, how it behaves, how it treats me, how it does things.
It' s part of what' s initially going to be happening.
Now you' d tell me what you already think my parents were never fighting,
I never saw a conflict and suddenly they sat us down and told us
we' re gonna split up. But what happened if I thought everything was
okay. Look. What was right was his ability to resolve conflicts without the
need for you to be a witness. But not necessarily. He was talking
about the things that each one considers important being the same for the other person.
It' s gonna be a little more complicated for you to understand that
separation. Yes, but here the part we have to understand as children is
that our parents have the right to have a happy personal life and that the
only responsibility they have with us is to be a good father and a good
mother individually. When they were together, they saw the need to do it
together, but in this other way they only see the need to do it
personally. And what I can most wish you is that they succeed in making
the relevant agreements for everything that has to do with you. What happens when
this separation occurs? Normally one of them is no longer going to live at
home and they' re going to have to come to terms with it.
Sometimes it is the law that establishes the normivity. Sometimes it is they who
have a good ability to make those agreements. And, therefore, what just
happens is that you' re going to have contact with your dad a few
specific days, you' re going to stay living with mom or the other
way around, you' re going to go live with dad and you'
re going to see mom sometimes planned, programmed and perfectly structured. What'
s going on with this maybe you won' t feel like it or you
' re going to be especially moved or moved by one of your parents'
couple' s people. Maybe you' re gonna feel ugly for your mom,
because the NSs are suffering because you see her crying. Maybe you'
re gonna feel more ugly about your dad because he' s gone and then
now he lives alone and you only share a few days with him and suddenly
this is going to generate feelings that are going to be hard for you to
understand. It' s just that I' m either angry or angry with
my mom or my dad. I just don' t want to see the
other one It' s just that I feel bad leaving my mom alone when
it' s our turn to go with my dad. And particularly things can
get complicated if mom and dad are so angry with each other that they don
' t talk to each other and they start using you to tell your dad
you need money for I don' t know how much tell your mom what
happened to this, tell me what they did to your dad when they went.
Or on the contrary, someone' s talking to your mom, someone
' s going to visit her at the house, they' re talking to
someone you don' t know and they' re starting to use you as
a point of information. It is very important to understand that that feeling that
is going to be generated in IT is a conflict of loyalties. Loyalty is
what is generated in front of that person that we want where we want to
be faithful to him to some extent with regard to what he likes not to
betray her, not to lie to her and suddenly being angry dad and mom,
you get in the way and you start to get the feeling that mom
wants information from dad through you and that dad wants information from mom through you.
That conflict of loyalties is very difficult to resolve, because if I leave
happy it is more likely. My dad and mom aren' t even asking
me for anything. But if when it comes to seeing Dad jump from the
excitement, I' m very happy and I say woe to my mom because
she' s going to think I don' t want to be with her.
Or if I leave because it' s time to leave with my dad
chin my mom stayed alone in the house, she' s not going to
be with us and she' s going to be sad and then I feel
bad with mom and then she' s going to show up for a while
until you get settled in that you either get wrong with one or you get
wrong with the other, that there' s no way to look good with
both of them anymore. I want to tell you that the responsibility of this
dad and this mom is to tell you don' t worry because I'
m an adult, and I' m an adult and I' m gonna
be fine and you' re not to blame for what' s going on.
And if Mom or Dad don' t tell you this, I'
ll tell you. The conflicts that arise in the midst of this situation is
because your dad and your mom are temporarily waiting for us to be unable to
handle the position in a way that does not harm you. And that'
s something you have to say. They' re the adults. I'
m barely growing up. I want to tell you that in the midst of
all these conflicts, sometimes there are clumsiness on the part of the rest of
the family. Grandparents, uncles, who are clearly shocked by the separation,
because they did not want the separation in most cases, and then start to
speak ill of the other person. If I' m your dad' s
mom, the best thing I' m gonna start talking bad about your mom
is that since it' s possible that your mom is that this isn'
t right, you don' t think that you tell her to let your
dad come back See how your dad' s having a hard time, or
it can happen because it also happens that grandparents are happy because they didn'
t want your mom, or happy because they didn' t want your dad.
Or the other way around because it doesn' t suit you and we
' re gonna do everything we can for you to come and live with,
be it the dad or the mom. And this because that thing that happens
at your mom' s or your dad' s is not right and they
start giving information that you wouldn' t have to know. Learn and this
is very important, to develop something that is called critical thinking. It'
s not criticizing people. It' s something else. Critical thinking is that
ability that we human beings develop to learn to question what is logical about what
they tell us and what is not, because your dad can fall too fat
as a son- in- law to your paternal grandparents, because they wanted
another girlfriend for your dad, but that doesn' t necessarily make your mom,
a bad mom. Your dad can tell you 80 things about your mom,
because he' s very angry with her, but he can do it
in your dad' s eyes. Bad wife, but not necessarily bad mom.
And the same backwards. Don' t believe absolutely everything, because each
person has the ability to develop our own opinion about people and if dad and
mom are very angry with each other, it is very likely that at that
time they see the other person as if they could only be seen that way
and there were no ways that that other person was a different person. I
' ll give you an example with your friends. If a friend of yours
likes a roommate in the living room and one of your friends, that fellow
likes him and you say. Not that he' s a hypocrite, he
' s a liar and your friend says he' s not at all.
I promise you, he' s not a liar, he' s not
a hypocrite. It' s good people, it' s very much shared
with their things. No, that' s not true. I don'
t believe you at all, because when we have an opinion of someone,
we close ourselves to any possibility that the other person will be seen differently.
Imagine what happens to the level of anger between your dad and your mom.
So always ask yourself. My experience is like the one that uncles, grandparents,
are telling me because you can have a different opinion, because in your
relationship with that person things have been different. I' d tell you if
you' re currently going through a situation of divorce from your parents, separation
from your parents, prohibition from one parent to see the other. It must
always be taken into account that that can be a stage and that you never
lose the right to say mom or dad to whoever you are angry with doesn
' t make me angry and you' re always going to have the right
to tell whoever it is. I don' t like you talking bad about
my dad with me or talking bad about my mom fixing it between you guys.
For me what two are very important and neither of you should owe yourself
private when you do, and even the law can determine that you don'
t see one of us. When the behavior of either of them could become
a crime physical violence abuse, sexual abuse, beatings, or situations where the
other person is putting ideas to put you against the other person. But for
that reason there are instances that are neutral and that, beyond the emotions that
your dad, your mom, your dad' s family, your mom'
s family, can analyze things cold and all the best possible decision. I
hope that if you' re going through a situation like this, you can
tell yourself and repeat yourself constantly. This is temporary, it has nothing to
do with me. It' s a problem of adults who aren' t
able to solve well, but in the vast majority, your dad and your
mom love you and love you, regardless of whether they can' t even
see who their partner was anymore. I hope that everything we talk about today
will serve and give you a little bit of comfort and, above all,
hope if you are living it right now, so that things will move as
quickly as possible. You' ve already got my mail chayo rambing radio center
com so you can get me any questions or any comments and I promise to
stay tuned and give you an answer. Have an extraordinary vacation, if you
' re starting them today, well, or you started them on Friday that
you left school, but have the best time. And I' ll wait
for you tomorrow, because tomorrow we' ll talk about how to handle conflicts
at home when Mom and Dad don' t split up, and we'
ll also talk about what happens when there' s bullying in your school,
what role you play and how to manage. We' ll be here tomorrow
at 1: 00 p m. In more date, I with you your audio center