WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:04.440 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor 2 00:00:04.480 --> 00:00:09.480 Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. If you're new to me, 3 00:00:09.640 --> 00:00:13.480 I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist, but I am obsessed with 4 00:00:13.599 --> 00:00:17.280 the science of love. Producer Kayla. How you doing, I'm wonderful, 5 00:00:17.280 --> 00:00:20.239 Doctor Wendy. How are you anything new happening in your love life? A 6 00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:26.399 heartbreak? Heartbreak, laymen and heartbreak? You know it's funny. Yes, 7 00:00:26.679 --> 00:00:30.239 yesterday we had my book group. I got to host it at my house. 8 00:00:30.399 --> 00:00:34.240 It's been a while, so it's my turn. And there's some people 9 00:00:34.240 --> 00:00:38.600 brought their younger nieces, daughters, whatever. So we had this smattering of 10 00:00:38.640 --> 00:00:43.280 girls in their twenties and then the wise old Auntie's there in the room. 11 00:00:43.799 --> 00:00:46.799 And one of the women said, I don't know how it came out of 12 00:00:46.840 --> 00:00:49.119 the blue because it didn't have anything to do with the book we were reading. 13 00:00:49.479 --> 00:00:55.000 But she said, what's about this choking thing, the choking trend that's 14 00:00:55.039 --> 00:00:57.960 happening right, She's just learning she's late to the party, And I said, 15 00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:02.079 oh, let me go. First of all, men are the average 16 00:01:02.119 --> 00:01:07.239 age that young boys begin to watch porn. Are you sitting down? People? 17 00:01:07.680 --> 00:01:11.560 Is the age of eleven. According to research, the average young American 18 00:01:11.599 --> 00:01:15.359 boy is starting to be exposed to porn by eleven. By the time he's 19 00:01:15.400 --> 00:01:22.879 in his twenties, he is now graduated to more misogynistic, more violent, 20 00:01:23.400 --> 00:01:29.040 crazy porn, and then he's dating young women who are competing in a high 21 00:01:29.120 --> 00:01:33.719 supply sexual economy. I'll get there in a minute against other women. So 22 00:01:33.760 --> 00:01:38.439 they think they have to give him what he's accustomed to. Believe me, 23 00:01:38.200 --> 00:01:42.760 no woman goes waking up in the morning, Wow, I'd really like to 24 00:01:42.799 --> 00:01:47.000 be choked tonight. Caleb. Why did you look up like that? And 25 00:01:47.040 --> 00:01:49.920 you had a little smirk like you've had that thought in the morning. You 26 00:01:49.959 --> 00:01:55.400 remember that guy we had on who was like the escort for the rich. 27 00:01:55.560 --> 00:01:57.599 The we had him. He was a hotty macat face. You remember, 28 00:01:57.640 --> 00:01:59.799 he was really cute. Really, he was like, there's a way to 29 00:02:00.319 --> 00:02:02.359 hair, and there's a way to so I think it's like doors kill me, 30 00:02:02.519 --> 00:02:06.200 but there's a way to do Yeah. But there's a difference between a 31 00:02:06.200 --> 00:02:09.680 little slap and tickle. Don't slap on me. Choke is fine with slap. 32 00:02:09.719 --> 00:02:15.159 That's why I draw the line someone cutting off your air toobe you're supposed 33 00:02:15.159 --> 00:02:16.879 to be able to breathe like a little bit, Well, they don't know 34 00:02:16.879 --> 00:02:19.879 how to do it right. And I would never trust a high test offshore 35 00:02:19.879 --> 00:02:23.080 a man at his moment of please okay. And then somehow I brought up 36 00:02:23.080 --> 00:02:25.919 the whole thing of remember the former Dodger Trevor Bauer, and the whole thing 37 00:02:25.919 --> 00:02:29.400 from a couple of years ago and the girl that was all beat up by 38 00:02:29.439 --> 00:02:34.199 him, and he got off in court because he said, well, she 39 00:02:34.240 --> 00:02:38.400 gave me consent. Gentlemen, if a woman says hit me, if a 40 00:02:38.400 --> 00:02:44.479 woman says choke me, a gentleman says no, thank you, ma'am. 41 00:02:45.120 --> 00:02:49.000 That's what you say, No, thank you, ma'am. Okay. So 42 00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:51.840 yeah, that's what the choking trend is about, is because women are trying 43 00:02:51.840 --> 00:02:55.319 to catch up with what men's new interests are. And I got to that 44 00:02:55.360 --> 00:02:59.960 point in my book group and then they said, what did you say about 45 00:02:59.960 --> 00:03:01.639 it? The high supply sexual economy? What is that? What does that 46 00:03:01.680 --> 00:03:06.680 thing? And I realized that I had been talking about this for years. 47 00:03:06.759 --> 00:03:09.919 It's all in my book The Thirty Day Love Detalks, and yet on KFI 48 00:03:10.360 --> 00:03:15.520 I haven't brought it up in a while, in a long while. And 49 00:03:15.599 --> 00:03:20.439 so there are these women of all ages going down a tunnel in the dark 50 00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:23.759 without a flashlight. So let me illuminate for you what the mating marketplace is 51 00:03:24.039 --> 00:03:30.479 right now. We are fast heading towards a culture of matriarchy. We're not 52 00:03:30.560 --> 00:03:31.759 there yet, it's gonna be a few more decades. Okay, calm down. 53 00:03:32.919 --> 00:03:38.759 We have seen a feminization of college campuses as we've entered the information age 54 00:03:38.919 --> 00:03:42.319 now, even with the hard scientists. In fact, one of the young 55 00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:46.039 women who was at the book club yesterday is an engineering student, and she 56 00:03:46.159 --> 00:03:49.800 said, even in her discipline, it's fifty to fifty men and women. 57 00:03:50.400 --> 00:03:53.759 But the other disciplines it's far more women than men. Men are just not 58 00:03:53.879 --> 00:04:00.439 getting educated. Because it's the information age. Women are more uniquely suited. 59 00:04:00.800 --> 00:04:06.080 We're talkers, we're texters, we're typers, we have more social sensitivity. 60 00:04:06.120 --> 00:04:11.199 In the information age, our skill set is actually needed. We don't need 61 00:04:11.240 --> 00:04:15.639 to necessarily be building infrastructure, although Biden's been doing it. Apparently there's an 62 00:04:15.639 --> 00:04:21.360 infrastructure bill happened. So anyway, so we have the feminization of college campuses. 63 00:04:21.639 --> 00:04:26.120 We have women using a big chunk of their fertility window, which is 64 00:04:26.120 --> 00:04:31.000 a biological reality, getting educated and building their careers. We have men who 65 00:04:31.079 --> 00:04:35.639 are now not having to work hard for women. Not so long ago, 66 00:04:36.240 --> 00:04:40.560 in order for a ban to have sex with a woman, he had to 67 00:04:40.600 --> 00:04:44.199 impress her, he had to sacrifice for her. But right now, the 68 00:04:44.279 --> 00:04:46.439 price of sex see the sexual economy. You know I was getting there. 69 00:04:46.600 --> 00:04:51.920 The price of sex has been declining. Did you know in nineteen fifty the 70 00:04:53.120 --> 00:04:59.240 average time between meeting somebody and marrying them was about six months. Why? 71 00:04:59.319 --> 00:05:02.600 Yes, the price of sex was six months of courtship and an altar in 72 00:05:02.800 --> 00:05:09.000 nineteen fifty. In the nineteen eighties it was something called the three date rule. 73 00:05:09.319 --> 00:05:14.000 You had to pay for three expensive dates. A man would pay so 74 00:05:14.040 --> 00:05:17.680 that he could, you know, have his fun with the woman. Today, 75 00:05:17.879 --> 00:05:23.160 the price of sex has dropped to the barrel bottom price of one well 76 00:05:23.160 --> 00:05:29.720 worded text. And sometimes all that text says is U up late at night? 77 00:05:30.160 --> 00:05:33.839 You up? I'm disgusted. So men lose ambition when women put out 78 00:05:33.879 --> 00:05:39.600 sex into the economy in high supply. At the same time, women believe 79 00:05:40.040 --> 00:05:42.600 that what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If they can 80 00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:45.160 have as much sex as they want, then women should be able to too. 81 00:05:45.879 --> 00:05:47.959 But you don't hear about the hookup culture. Are the girls crying in 82 00:05:48.040 --> 00:05:54.639 therapist's office because they're thinking all this free sex is a stepping stone to finding 83 00:05:54.680 --> 00:05:59.519 a mate? And usually it's not, because here's the thing. No gender 84 00:05:59.839 --> 00:06:02.120 life someone who they don't have to work for. They value what they have 85 00:06:02.199 --> 00:06:06.000 to sacrifice for. And so if you think you're gonna be the fun girl 86 00:06:06.279 --> 00:06:09.680 and give it up and not be a problem to him, and he's gonna 87 00:06:09.680 --> 00:06:12.560 turn around one day and go, you know what, you are wife material, 88 00:06:12.959 --> 00:06:15.399 it's not gonna happen. Did you know a man can have sex with 89 00:06:15.439 --> 00:06:19.279 the same woman every week for six months and not like her one bit more 90 00:06:19.319 --> 00:06:21.920 than he did that first time. And if a woman has sex with a 91 00:06:21.959 --> 00:06:26.639 man regularly for six months, her body gives us so much oxytocin she falls 92 00:06:26.680 --> 00:06:30.439 in love, even if he's a loser. So anyway, the high supply 93 00:06:30.519 --> 00:06:34.839 sexual economy is hurting women. What's the answer, Well, stop having sex. 94 00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:36.879 No, it depends what you're looking for. If you want a short 95 00:06:36.920 --> 00:06:40.480 term relationship, have a short term relationship, but don't think you're gonna convert 96 00:06:40.519 --> 00:06:44.920 it. Okay, if you want a long term relationship, then you need 97 00:06:44.959 --> 00:06:47.360 to be cool and make him work for it. Like him work for it. 98 00:06:47.399 --> 00:06:50.040 That's it. Make him work for it. And then the other thing 99 00:06:50.040 --> 00:06:53.120 that came up is, you know, we're all grown women. We're like, 100 00:06:53.160 --> 00:06:55.759 why don't we just date women and just use him for their sperm? 101 00:06:55.800 --> 00:06:58.360 And I'm like, that is kind of where we're going. I think, 102 00:06:58.480 --> 00:07:01.839 nothing, it's gonna happen all right. When we come back, I want 103 00:07:01.839 --> 00:07:06.000 to talk about the Kids Online Safety Act? Was it last week or the 104 00:07:06.040 --> 00:07:10.399 week before? Two weeks ago? Two weeks ago? I want to talk 105 00:07:10.439 --> 00:07:14.279 about what's going on and why we all should be calling our congress person so 106 00:07:14.319 --> 00:07:18.000 we can save the mental health of our children and teenagers. And later the 107 00:07:18.079 --> 00:07:24.000 secret to happy couples. Apparently they fight right and I'm going to tell you 108 00:07:24.040 --> 00:07:28.360 how they do that. And for singles, how to say no politely, 109 00:07:28.439 --> 00:07:30.000 not necessarily sex. I mean, if somebody asked you out and you don't 110 00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:31.680 want to go out, or you went out with them for a little bit 111 00:07:31.680 --> 00:07:34.000 and then you're like, I don't want to continue this, how to do 112 00:07:34.079 --> 00:07:39.959 it nicely without ghosting them, And also how to learn to tolerate rejection. 113 00:07:40.360 --> 00:07:42.879 We got so much coming up, and I'll be taking your calls and going 114 00:07:42.879 --> 00:07:45.279 to social media and blah blah blah. It's gonna be so much fun. 115 00:07:45.560 --> 00:07:48.000 You're listening the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We Live 116 00:07:48.040 --> 00:07:55.720 Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from 117 00:07:55.800 --> 00:08:00.120 KFI AM six forty. I got a wedding coming up to time. Does 118 00:08:00.160 --> 00:08:01.680 that make me not a single mom anymore? Well, I think the fiance 119 00:08:01.839 --> 00:08:05.800 and the relationship makes you not single. I know, but I was like, 120 00:08:05.839 --> 00:08:09.560 now that once the kids are over. My youngest just turned twenty one, 121 00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:13.040 so she's not a kid. So am I still a single mom? 122 00:08:13.079 --> 00:08:16.000 And then if I get married, am I still a single? But they 123 00:08:16.040 --> 00:08:18.639 don't live now. I don't think you're a single mom anymore. Okay, 124 00:08:18.720 --> 00:08:22.839 I was a single mom for eighteen years. The first one did not get 125 00:08:22.839 --> 00:08:28.959 a cell phone until I'm going to say at least eighth grade or ninth grade. 126 00:08:28.639 --> 00:08:33.000 The second one was a digital native from the beginning. I mean iPads 127 00:08:33.039 --> 00:08:35.840 and strollers, the whole thing. I'd make every mistake that you could ever 128 00:08:35.879 --> 00:08:39.000 have made, because I had a kid who was not neurotypical and she had 129 00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:43.279 screaming meltdown tantrums and stick a video in front of her face and a calmer 130 00:08:43.320 --> 00:08:48.360 down and get you around public. However, I will honestly say that the 131 00:08:48.360 --> 00:08:50.480 younger one has struggled more with her mental health than the older one. I'm 132 00:08:50.480 --> 00:08:56.600 not fully blaming social media. There are many, many, many features. 133 00:08:56.879 --> 00:09:01.879 But there are a growing group of parents out there there with a very loud 134 00:09:01.960 --> 00:09:07.320 voice who are starting to blow the whistle on these social media companies. It's 135 00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:11.600 been going on for a couple of years. Do you remember two weeks ago 136 00:09:11.600 --> 00:09:16.799 we had Mary Rode. She was part of something called the Common Sense Media 137 00:09:16.840 --> 00:09:22.159 Group, and she's in New York and she'd helped do a rally to try 138 00:09:22.159 --> 00:09:26.679 to get past the New York Child Data Protection Act. She's a teacher. 139 00:09:28.600 --> 00:09:33.399 Her fifteen year old son joined Facebook because he wanted to sell something on Facebook 140 00:09:33.399 --> 00:09:37.279 Marketplace. He'd never been on Facebook before. He stayed home from school one 141 00:09:37.320 --> 00:09:41.879 day because he just had his braces tightened cutie, and he was in pain. 142 00:09:41.440 --> 00:09:46.639 And so he gets on Facebook and gets a private message from a cute 143 00:09:46.639 --> 00:09:50.200 little girl who or what he thinks is a cute little girl, and he 144 00:09:50.320 --> 00:09:54.159 sees that some of his other friends are friends with her, so we think 145 00:09:54.240 --> 00:09:58.200 she's safe and a real person. And his friends are at school so we 146 00:09:58.200 --> 00:10:01.799 can't check it out. They don't have their phones in classroom. So he 147 00:10:01.919 --> 00:10:05.080 starts having a great all time messaging her and flirting with her for a number 148 00:10:05.080 --> 00:10:07.559 of hours till she asked him to send a headshot, and she sends her 149 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:13.519 headshot, and then it gets a little more explicit, and she sextorts him. 150 00:10:13.559 --> 00:10:16.879 She gets him to send some sexually explicit shot and then suddenly she I 151 00:10:16.919 --> 00:10:22.960 don't know if you ever realized he was being catfished by a syndicate potentially in 152 00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:24.559 Nigeria. We don't know exactly, but that's where a lot of them are. 153 00:10:26.600 --> 00:10:30.360 And this person at the other end of the line says, if you 154 00:10:30.600 --> 00:10:35.279 don't send me money, I'm going to send this video that you made or 155 00:10:35.320 --> 00:10:39.080 picture, whatever it was, to every single person on your social media who 156 00:10:39.120 --> 00:10:43.759 shares your last name, your grandma, your aunties, your uncles, everybody. 157 00:10:45.679 --> 00:10:50.600 This kid was so ashamed that he died by suicide that day, and 158 00:10:50.639 --> 00:10:56.960 it took only six hours of using social media. It is heartbreaking. In 159 00:10:56.000 --> 00:11:01.320 twenty twenty two, a new bill was introduced in the Senate called the Kids 160 00:11:01.320 --> 00:11:09.080 Online Safety Act Kids Online Safety Act KOSA. It got very good, more 161 00:11:09.080 --> 00:11:13.960 than sixty senators bipartisan support in the Senate. It recently passed a key House 162 00:11:15.000 --> 00:11:20.159 subcommittee vote. President Biden has supported the bill, but guess what, they 163 00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:22.840 don't have a date on the calendar yet for the House to even vote on 164 00:11:22.879 --> 00:11:28.000 it, so it's sitting there in limbo. This week, The New York 165 00:11:28.039 --> 00:11:31.720 Times wrote a profile of a similar mother, not Mary Ord, another one 166 00:11:31.799 --> 00:11:37.360 named deb schmil who has met with thirteen lawmakers in the last couple of weeks. 167 00:11:37.759 --> 00:11:41.960 She herself has taken a little apartment in Washington to try to get them. 168 00:11:43.240 --> 00:11:48.519 Her daughter, Becca died at the age of eighteen. She died after 169 00:11:48.559 --> 00:11:54.200 taking a drug that, unbeknownst to her, was laced with fentanyl that she 170 00:11:54.279 --> 00:12:00.440 bought on Facebook Before that, Why did she reach out to Brad Ruggs. 171 00:12:00.799 --> 00:12:05.039 Her daughter was traumatized because she was raped by a boy she'd met online, 172 00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:09.000 and then when other kids found about it out about it, she was cyberbullied 173 00:12:09.039 --> 00:12:18.480 on Snapchat. This woman is out there saying we need to get this passed. 174 00:12:18.759 --> 00:12:20.480 But they are up against all the tech companies who've been paying for the 175 00:12:20.480 --> 00:12:24.600 politicians of course and contributing to their and the tech companies are of the stupid 176 00:12:24.679 --> 00:12:28.799 argument that's like, this is not going to protect kids data if they have 177 00:12:28.919 --> 00:12:33.080 to ask the age of the kids and verify the age that's stealing their data. 178 00:12:33.159 --> 00:12:37.639 Oh stop, that's double speak. So I want everyone today to write 179 00:12:37.639 --> 00:12:41.519 your congress person. If you don't know who congress person is, you just 180 00:12:41.519 --> 00:12:43.159 go online Congress, Doug Over or whatever you put in your zip code. 181 00:12:43.159 --> 00:12:48.679 It's so simple. And you say we need Kosa Kosay Coosa, the Kids 182 00:12:48.759 --> 00:12:54.120 Online Safety Act up for a vote in the House, because it's sitting there 183 00:12:54.240 --> 00:12:58.000 languishing. It's got no date. For the rest of us. Let's talk 184 00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:03.360 about good digital hygiene for all of us. Number one, we all need 185 00:13:03.399 --> 00:13:07.000 to be doing this. I don't care what your age. Don't go online 186 00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:11.639 first thing in the morning or last thing at night. Don't already pollute your 187 00:13:11.679 --> 00:13:16.720 brain with social media. Set virtual boundaries for yourself. Limit screen time, 188 00:13:18.320 --> 00:13:22.799 commit to checking your email only every few hours, never have your phone at 189 00:13:22.840 --> 00:13:30.039 the dinner table, and say no to tech in the evening. For at 190 00:13:30.120 --> 00:13:33.159 least two hours before you go to bed, read a real book, watch 191 00:13:33.159 --> 00:13:37.039 some comedy on Netflix if you have to, but don't look at your phone. 192 00:13:37.080 --> 00:13:41.639 That blue light will keep you up all night. We have to all 193 00:13:41.639 --> 00:13:45.960 practice good digital hygiene. Sleeping with it in a different room has proven to 194 00:13:45.960 --> 00:13:48.919 be really beneficial if you just like leave it in the living room. Low. 195 00:13:48.039 --> 00:13:52.440 Yeah, because they buzz and beep and do everything and we grab it 196 00:13:52.759 --> 00:13:54.559 exactly. So we need to start doing this for all of us, for 197 00:13:54.600 --> 00:13:58.879 our mental health, especially for our kids and teenagers. And write your congress 198 00:13:58.879 --> 00:14:03.919 person, please kossay Kids Online Safety Act. Okay, when we come back, 199 00:14:03.240 --> 00:14:07.159 did you know there's a secret to happy couples and it was discovered in 200 00:14:07.240 --> 00:14:11.519 research? Good research too. They fight right, let me explain what that 201 00:14:11.639 --> 00:14:15.320 is. When we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls 202 00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:18.440 Show on KFI AM six forty. Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 203 00:14:18.919 --> 00:14:26.480 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. This 204 00:14:26.720 --> 00:14:31.000 is the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. So I'm gonna tell you something. Julio 205 00:14:31.000 --> 00:14:33.600 and I had a fight last week, and you know what, we had 206 00:14:33.600 --> 00:14:37.399 to fight about neither of us remember, we don't actually remember the topic, 207 00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:43.320 but we know probably what triggered it, which is we were separated because he 208 00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:46.799 was far away doing the movie. I was far away. We had time 209 00:14:46.919 --> 00:14:52.840 change problem, and so as a result, we get a little antsy when 210 00:14:52.840 --> 00:14:56.200 we're away from each other and snippy and I don't sleep as well when I'm 211 00:14:56.200 --> 00:15:00.480 not with him, and so I was overtired. There's actually research say that 212 00:15:00.799 --> 00:15:03.200 just getting a good night's sleep is one of the best things you can do 213 00:15:03.240 --> 00:15:05.440 for your relationship. But anyway, I don't sleep well, and so we 214 00:15:05.559 --> 00:15:09.240 had this knockdown, drag him out, silly little argument on the phone. 215 00:15:09.399 --> 00:15:13.679 Honestly, neither of us, now that we're back together, can remember the 216 00:15:13.720 --> 00:15:20.240 content of it and what and the big thing here, the big news here 217 00:15:20.840 --> 00:15:24.960 is that the point is we have an understanding of why it happened, which 218 00:15:26.039 --> 00:15:30.399 was the distance and the separation. So you know, I quote them all 219 00:15:30.480 --> 00:15:35.399 the time. Probably my favorite researchers on the planet when it comes to marriage 220 00:15:35.000 --> 00:15:39.720 are John and Julie Gotman at the Gotman Institute at the University of Washington. 221 00:15:39.120 --> 00:15:46.600 They are psychologists who've been studying couples for twenty thirty forty years, and they 222 00:15:46.639 --> 00:15:54.080 say that there are certain kinds of fights that happen with couples. Right, 223 00:15:54.639 --> 00:15:58.679 they are, first of all, problems that can be solved. Those are 224 00:15:58.720 --> 00:16:03.000 the same things like you're not parking your car straight and I can't fit in 225 00:16:03.000 --> 00:16:06.039 the garage, or I don't like the way you undo the toothpaste, or 226 00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:07.720 can you do this? Or not have the TV on when I'm trying to 227 00:16:07.720 --> 00:16:11.399 go to sleep. These are just problems. You come to a compromise, 228 00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:17.159 you solve them. It's done. I have another friend who's a Mariagan family 229 00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:19.639 therapist, and I said to her one time, what is the most common 230 00:16:19.799 --> 00:16:25.200 thing that couples fight about? And she goes it doesn't matter what it is, 231 00:16:25.759 --> 00:16:30.840 it's that it never goes away. So the goatmans call this the perpetual 232 00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:36.320 problem. In other words, opposites attract. We attract to somebody who's different 233 00:16:36.320 --> 00:16:38.519 from us, and then we get them in our orbit, and now we 234 00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:42.279 don't like that thing that's different. Right, there's this perpetual problem. It 235 00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:47.279 might be a value driven thing, like somebody spends a lot of money in 236 00:16:47.279 --> 00:16:52.519 the other person's a savor it. Maybe you know something about night owls mourning 237 00:16:52.600 --> 00:16:56.799 people. It might be some people one is more religious than the other, 238 00:16:56.840 --> 00:17:00.000 some deep value thing, might be a parenting thing, a perpetual problem, 239 00:17:00.240 --> 00:17:04.119 and it just keeps coming up. Right, So the Gotmans say, the 240 00:17:04.119 --> 00:17:10.359 third level is the gridlock perpetual problems. And that's a perpetual problem that actually 241 00:17:10.440 --> 00:17:15.039 has been mishandled in the past. So now it's a big old tender spot 242 00:17:15.400 --> 00:17:21.000 and nobody wants to bring it up. They're just tiptoeing around this issue. 243 00:17:21.079 --> 00:17:26.559 But it's always there. It's the elephant in the living room. So what 244 00:17:26.599 --> 00:17:30.079 the Gotmans say is that smart couples the happy couples. And here's the thing 245 00:17:30.160 --> 00:17:36.759 I love about the research that they study couples who they've actually been able to 246 00:17:36.799 --> 00:17:41.720 put couples in a room and problems solve together, and watch how they interact, 247 00:17:41.240 --> 00:17:45.480 how they maybe reach out for care, touch each other, or be 248 00:17:45.599 --> 00:17:49.680 polite, respectful in their tone even though they disagree. They look at if 249 00:17:49.680 --> 00:17:53.079 there's name calling, all kinds of stuff, and they can actually tell with 250 00:17:53.200 --> 00:17:59.160 like ninety percent accuracy if the couple's going to be divorced within five years just 251 00:17:59.160 --> 00:18:03.000 by watching them in a lab for ten minutes, right, Because it's all 252 00:18:03.039 --> 00:18:08.799 about conflict style. So they also study couples who are relatively happy for decades. 253 00:18:10.319 --> 00:18:15.039 And here's the secret. It all comes down to how they fight. 254 00:18:15.319 --> 00:18:19.279 The biggest mistake that couples make, according to the Gotmans and the research, 255 00:18:21.000 --> 00:18:26.799 is that they fight to win. Somebody wants to be right, somebody wants 256 00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:33.880 to win. And if you are fighting to win, the relationship will lose 257 00:18:33.799 --> 00:18:38.599 because if somebody wins, somebody else loses. And now you're with a partner 258 00:18:38.640 --> 00:18:44.599 who has lower self esteem, who feels bad or has a grudge. Now, 259 00:18:45.519 --> 00:18:51.519 So the couples who are smart, the masters at fighting, they don't 260 00:18:51.559 --> 00:18:57.799 fight to win. They fight to understand. So fighting to understand means taking 261 00:18:57.839 --> 00:19:02.960 the conversation about what the issue is, the surfacey thing, and trying to 262 00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:06.960 go a little bit deeper, trying to figure out why your partner has this 263 00:19:07.039 --> 00:19:11.839 strong feeling, whether it actually is related to what's happening right now or something 264 00:19:11.839 --> 00:19:15.839 in their childhood, but you really want to try to understand the issue. 265 00:19:15.839 --> 00:19:19.920 For instance, one time years ago, I was with this guy and I 266 00:19:19.960 --> 00:19:23.839 said something, but I remembered it wrong, so I misspoke, But I 267 00:19:23.920 --> 00:19:26.839 was quite sure, excuse me, that I said it right. Right. 268 00:19:26.880 --> 00:19:29.359 So I was kind of like, no, no, no, really, 269 00:19:29.839 --> 00:19:33.400 and he got so angry. I did remember it wrong, by the way. 270 00:19:34.240 --> 00:19:37.640 But the reason why he got angry because later I said to him, 271 00:19:38.039 --> 00:19:41.920 you know, I feel like because of what happened in your childhood. He 272 00:19:41.920 --> 00:19:47.119 had told me earlier that in his childhood the family, both parents had gas 273 00:19:47.200 --> 00:19:49.039 lit him all the time, and they talked to him about a reality that 274 00:19:49.119 --> 00:19:52.640 he knew as a kid just wasn't true or wasn't right right. They were 275 00:19:52.640 --> 00:19:56.160 always misleading him and tricking him and lying to him. The kids know everything, 276 00:19:56.279 --> 00:20:00.079 they're a sponge. They know the truth. You can't really lie. 277 00:20:00.240 --> 00:20:03.640 And so I was able to get him to see, oh my god, 278 00:20:03.680 --> 00:20:07.039 I triggered you because I had the memory wrong, so it felt like I 279 00:20:07.119 --> 00:20:08.920 was gaslighting it. We ended up making up and everything was fine. Right. 280 00:20:10.279 --> 00:20:14.039 So here's a question you ask in the throes of a fight. If 281 00:20:14.039 --> 00:20:18.519 you can calm down a bit and use a nice tone, say honey, 282 00:20:18.640 --> 00:20:21.759 is there something that might have happened in your childhood this make you feel so 283 00:20:21.839 --> 00:20:27.359 strongly about this? Or ask them to imagine what is their dream about how 284 00:20:27.400 --> 00:20:30.119 it will be resolved instead, So what do you want me to do about 285 00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:34.240 it. No, not that you say, Okay, let's try to problem 286 00:20:34.279 --> 00:20:38.000 solve here. I see that you're really upset. How would you like to 287 00:20:38.039 --> 00:20:42.079 see this settled? How would you like to see the outcome? Help me 288 00:20:42.200 --> 00:20:48.079 understand what you need right now? If you talk like that, you'll get 289 00:20:48.079 --> 00:20:52.599 through the issues. So that's why Hulu and I don't remember the content of 290 00:20:52.640 --> 00:20:53.920 the fight we had last week. The argument. It was a fight. 291 00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:59.319 It was argument on the phone because we were able to go, Oh, 292 00:20:59.559 --> 00:21:03.440 it's because as we're far apart, it's because we're missing each other. We're 293 00:21:03.440 --> 00:21:07.119 both irritable because of that. Right, So what you want to do is 294 00:21:07.240 --> 00:21:11.240 try to inject some empathy into the fight. Now. I know it's hard. 295 00:21:11.759 --> 00:21:15.119 You've been triggered, you're mad, they're really pissing you off. Also, 296 00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:18.839 when you've been in a long term relationship, you kind of take them 297 00:21:18.880 --> 00:21:22.119 for granted. You know they're not going to walk out the door. So 298 00:21:22.359 --> 00:21:26.640 it's hard for you to be soft. But you have to. You have 299 00:21:26.720 --> 00:21:32.599 to allow your partner to express their truth without fear or judgment. You have 300 00:21:32.640 --> 00:21:36.880 to start doing it yourself as well. All right, when we come back, 301 00:21:36.920 --> 00:21:40.200 I want to talk to single people out there, single people of any 302 00:21:40.279 --> 00:21:45.359 age who are maybe going to be asking somebody out, maybe have been asked 303 00:21:45.440 --> 00:21:48.880 out, maybe had a date or two with somebody, and now you're like, 304 00:21:48.920 --> 00:21:52.440 Eh, I don't think that person's for me. How do you reject 305 00:21:52.519 --> 00:21:56.480 somebody nicely? What do you do? And also if you're the rejectee, 306 00:21:57.079 --> 00:22:00.240 how do you tolerate that? Let's talk about hell healthy rejection. When we 307 00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:03.759 come back, you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM 308 00:22:03.799 --> 00:22:08.839 six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor 309 00:22:08.960 --> 00:22:15.480 Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Hi, everybody, you 310 00:22:15.519 --> 00:22:21.200 are live in our KFI AM six forty studios in Burbank, California, and 311 00:22:21.279 --> 00:22:23.640 we are live live live. After this segment, I am going to be 312 00:22:23.640 --> 00:22:27.319 taking your phone calls live, So producer Kayla is going to head to the 313 00:22:27.359 --> 00:22:30.400 phones in a few minutes and screen the calls. You can say hi to 314 00:22:30.440 --> 00:22:33.359 her first. If you have a relationship question, you are welcome to call 315 00:22:33.400 --> 00:22:38.200 in. The number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. 316 00:22:38.480 --> 00:22:41.359 That's one eight hundred five to zero one KFI. But not quite yet, 317 00:22:41.359 --> 00:22:44.839 because she hasn't opened the phone lines yet, but you will. I'll 318 00:22:44.839 --> 00:22:48.559 announce the number again too, all right. Many people have a very hard 319 00:22:48.680 --> 00:22:53.400 time rejecting another person. Nobody wants to hurt anybody, right, We don't 320 00:22:53.400 --> 00:22:57.880 want to give them pain, and so we have trouble saying no. We 321 00:22:57.920 --> 00:23:03.279 have trouble setting back boundaries because we're basically nice people. Most people are basically 322 00:23:03.440 --> 00:23:07.960 nice people, right, And so the problem in the dating scene, especially 323 00:23:08.000 --> 00:23:14.759 if you're single and it's early on, is that you might end up going 324 00:23:14.759 --> 00:23:17.960 on a date with somebody you don't even like, just because you don't want 325 00:23:17.960 --> 00:23:22.000 to say no, or they're being persistent in some way. And the other 326 00:23:22.119 --> 00:23:26.519 problem is that, you know, besides that you went on a pity date, 327 00:23:26.240 --> 00:23:30.839 is that you might ghost somebody. A lot of people do that where 328 00:23:30.880 --> 00:23:36.559 they just don't respond, and that hurts the mental health of the other person 329 00:23:37.200 --> 00:23:41.720 because they sit there at a loss. Psychologists would call it ruminating. What 330 00:23:41.799 --> 00:23:45.200 did I did wrong? Did they get my text? Did they know? 331 00:23:45.319 --> 00:23:48.720 Did they get my hands? I don't know, right, It's a terrible 332 00:23:48.839 --> 00:23:56.200 feeling to be ghosted, right. It impacts somebody's self esteem. They often 333 00:23:56.200 --> 00:24:00.799 blame themselves. They're imagining why this could have happened. Okay, first of 334 00:24:00.799 --> 00:24:06.880 all, if we're talking about rejection, here's what you should not do. 335 00:24:07.079 --> 00:24:12.599 You should not wean somebody. Ladies, you are famous for this. Actually, 336 00:24:12.720 --> 00:24:15.880 dudes, you do it too. A lot of you guys did it 337 00:24:15.920 --> 00:24:18.839 to me back in the day. I remember, all Right, when you 338 00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:23.799 wean someone, you just take longer and longer between the check ins, and 339 00:24:25.440 --> 00:24:30.519 the texts are fewer words, and the phone calls start to become nonexistent. 340 00:24:30.240 --> 00:24:36.599 Right, That's called weaning them. The problem is if somebody has if they're 341 00:24:36.640 --> 00:24:41.359 really into you, or they have a little anxiety around attachment, this actually 342 00:24:41.240 --> 00:24:45.880 ignites them. They want to get closer, so they try more and more 343 00:24:45.920 --> 00:24:51.359 ways to try to get these bids for your attention. So weaning somebody not 344 00:24:51.440 --> 00:24:56.400 only doesn't work, but it often makes them come back stronger. And the 345 00:24:56.519 --> 00:25:00.920 other thing, kind of like weaning is if somebody asks you out, try 346 00:25:00.960 --> 00:25:06.519 not to give them false hope by saying things like I'm just really busy this 347 00:25:06.519 --> 00:25:08.119 week, Like they say you want to go see this show Friday, No 348 00:25:08.240 --> 00:25:11.960 I can, I'm busy. No. You have to say no, thank 349 00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:15.119 you. You can't just say I'm busy, because if you say are busy, 350 00:25:15.160 --> 00:25:18.440 they think it's just the Friday night that's the problem, and they're going 351 00:25:18.480 --> 00:25:22.160 to keep trying. And if you say things like oh, maybe another time, 352 00:25:22.680 --> 00:25:26.960 it leaves them like want more. Right, That is not saying no. 353 00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:33.359 If you've gone on a few dates with somebody and you know sometime it 354 00:25:33.400 --> 00:25:37.359 takes two three dates for you to go no, probably not for me. 355 00:25:38.599 --> 00:25:44.079 You don't want to do the whole talk about Hey, you know it's not 356 00:25:44.200 --> 00:25:48.319 you, it's me. I'm not really ready for a relationship. Oh come 357 00:25:48.359 --> 00:25:52.279 on, you went on a date. Of course you were ready for a 358 00:25:52.319 --> 00:25:56.119 relationship. You were looking for somebody. So you have to find a way 359 00:25:56.319 --> 00:26:00.960 to be very clear. And as I mentioned before, never ever, ever, 360 00:26:02.079 --> 00:26:04.880 ever, ever ever ever, ghost, don't ghost. You can send 361 00:26:04.920 --> 00:26:10.880 a text that's polite. So let's talk about the things you can do to 362 00:26:10.920 --> 00:26:12.359 say no to a date or no to somebody that you might have had a 363 00:26:12.359 --> 00:26:18.039 couple of dates with. The most important thing is you want to be clear 364 00:26:18.400 --> 00:26:22.240 when you say no, but also polite, and you also want to say 365 00:26:22.440 --> 00:26:29.160 few words. Here's why. If you say something like oh, that's really 366 00:26:29.279 --> 00:26:33.599 kind of you to ask me, but no, thank you, that's very 367 00:26:33.599 --> 00:26:37.400 clear they got the message right. But if you say, oh, that's 368 00:26:37.599 --> 00:26:42.319 really kind of you, no, thank you. I don't really like Beyonce. 369 00:26:44.440 --> 00:26:48.799 What woman's going to say that, right, So you're gonna they're immediately 370 00:26:48.880 --> 00:26:52.039 good to now mount an argument. Oh no, really, she's great. 371 00:26:52.079 --> 00:26:56.319 You should come check her out. Right. The more information you give when 372 00:26:56.359 --> 00:27:02.079 you're negotiating, you're giving fuel for the other person to argue with you. 373 00:27:02.799 --> 00:27:07.559 So less is more. Just say that's really kind of you, no thank 374 00:27:07.599 --> 00:27:12.480 you. Also, if you've been on a date with somebody or two or 375 00:27:12.559 --> 00:27:15.960 three and they call again, you want to thank them for following up. 376 00:27:17.240 --> 00:27:19.359 Thanks for calling again, that's really sweet of you. I did have a 377 00:27:19.359 --> 00:27:23.799 good time, But I want to be honest. I don't think we're meant 378 00:27:23.799 --> 00:27:29.160 for each other romantically. The thing I used to say to people is I 379 00:27:29.200 --> 00:27:32.119 think you're great, but I just don't think romance is in the cards for 380 00:27:32.200 --> 00:27:34.680 us. That's implying like, hey, you're a good person and you're in 381 00:27:36.160 --> 00:27:40.240 you're good for somebody. I used to have a system when I rejected men. 382 00:27:41.079 --> 00:27:42.279 That was a very good rejector. Now I used to do all the 383 00:27:42.319 --> 00:27:45.559 bad things before, and I'd wonder why they wouldn't go away. I try 384 00:27:45.599 --> 00:27:48.039 to wean them and all that stuff, and they keep coming back with more 385 00:27:48.079 --> 00:27:52.519 and sending me presents and whatever. And so now now I'm taken now. 386 00:27:52.680 --> 00:27:57.000 But back when I was dating finding my man, I would, you know, 387 00:27:57.079 --> 00:28:00.200 have the conversation. Maybe I just met them on the app and then 388 00:28:00.240 --> 00:28:03.160 I get on the phone so I could do some real interviewing before deciding on 389 00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:07.200 the date. And then if I decided I didn't want to go on a 390 00:28:07.279 --> 00:28:11.279 date after that, I would have this canned text and it usually began with 391 00:28:11.319 --> 00:28:15.000 something personal like, hey, great, great chatting with you on the phone. 392 00:28:15.680 --> 00:28:18.680 You know, have fun at your sister's wedding or whatever they talked about 393 00:28:18.759 --> 00:28:23.240 is coming up. I actually don't think romance is in the cards for us, 394 00:28:23.759 --> 00:28:26.440 but I'll be happy to keep you in mind for a friend sometime. 395 00:28:27.319 --> 00:28:32.200 Now. Let me tell you, no man ever wrote back okay, b 396 00:28:32.319 --> 00:28:36.799 word. They never said anything rude. They either did not write back at 397 00:28:36.839 --> 00:28:38.519 all because they knew where they stood, which is fine, or they said 398 00:28:38.599 --> 00:28:41.640 hey, thanks, yeah, we can keep in touch, thanks for your 399 00:28:41.640 --> 00:28:45.200 honesty. They'd often say thanks for your honesty. They would just know. 400 00:28:45.599 --> 00:28:52.200 People want to know where they stand, and it's possible to be kind when 401 00:28:52.200 --> 00:28:56.640 you say no. You can be empathetic and say something like, you know, 402 00:28:56.680 --> 00:29:00.359 I really wish you the best, and I hope you find to your 403 00:29:00.359 --> 00:29:03.400 person. What a sweet thing to say, right, I really hope you 404 00:29:03.480 --> 00:29:11.359 find your person. You could say something like I had a great time with 405 00:29:11.400 --> 00:29:15.759 you, but I don't think it's going to continue in the way that you 406 00:29:15.799 --> 00:29:18.759 want it. It's not working for me, but thank you and great, 407 00:29:18.880 --> 00:29:22.839 you know, like throw in some compliments along the way. Now. I 408 00:29:22.880 --> 00:29:29.559 want to be clear, there are certain times when it's absolutely okay not to 409 00:29:29.640 --> 00:29:33.039 be nice to somebody when you're rejecting them. And these are the people who 410 00:29:33.160 --> 00:29:37.920 don't get the kindness followed by the very clear no, thank you. Right. 411 00:29:37.400 --> 00:29:40.880 They are the people who don't take no for an answer. They are 412 00:29:40.880 --> 00:29:45.400 the people who keep harassing you and asking you out again and again and again. 413 00:29:45.079 --> 00:29:48.119 You know who you are. People you need to learn to take no 414 00:29:48.240 --> 00:29:52.799 for an answer. So you need to say to this person, I appreciate 415 00:29:52.839 --> 00:29:57.960 you asking the answers. No, please don't ask me again. You have 416 00:29:59.039 --> 00:30:02.839 to give them the next life of behavior that you want, right, please 417 00:30:02.880 --> 00:30:07.200 don't ask me again. And if they try to guilt you or manipulate you. 418 00:30:07.200 --> 00:30:11.720 You can actually just say I'm not interested. Please respect that, and 419 00:30:11.759 --> 00:30:15.880 you don't have to get mad. You can just sit flat. I'm not 420 00:30:15.920 --> 00:30:22.839 interested. Please respect that. Right. If they're totally making you feel creeped 421 00:30:22.880 --> 00:30:26.160 out, though, you have my full permission to be as blunt as possible 422 00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:30.599 and just say your behavior is making me feel uncomfortable. I'm gonna tell you 423 00:30:30.599 --> 00:30:33.480 a story many years ago, I went on a date with a man. 424 00:30:33.640 --> 00:30:37.720 It was a lovely date, drinks, appetizer somewhere, which is the first 425 00:30:37.720 --> 00:30:40.480 time meeting him off an app and then we get out to the valet Parker. 426 00:30:40.480 --> 00:30:42.039 I'm getting waiting for my car, he's waiting for his car, and 427 00:30:42.079 --> 00:30:45.559 he suddenly grabs me and does like the deep throat tongue kiss, like a 428 00:30:45.599 --> 00:30:49.920 stranger at happy hour. I know, right, Kayla. Her face went 429 00:30:51.160 --> 00:30:55.279 eh. It's like there was no leading up to it. There was no 430 00:30:56.359 --> 00:31:00.880 you know, mutual body language, there was no time. It was just 431 00:31:00.920 --> 00:31:03.680 all of a sudden, what did you do? Well? He kept calling 432 00:31:03.680 --> 00:31:06.200 me and wanting me to get up to his place in Big Bear as a 433 00:31:06.240 --> 00:31:08.160 ski resort near us. I want to get you up to Big Bear and 434 00:31:08.359 --> 00:31:11.359 I originally texted something like I'm not up to it or I'm not up for 435 00:31:11.400 --> 00:31:15.039 it, and then he kept hounding me because I was being too nice. 436 00:31:15.119 --> 00:31:18.119 Right, and then I finally said, actually that kiss was inappropriate. It 437 00:31:18.119 --> 00:31:22.599 made me feel uncomfortable. Good for you, and he said say sorry. 438 00:31:22.960 --> 00:31:26.039 He said, oh, oh, I understand. Okay, Yeah, this 439 00:31:26.079 --> 00:31:29.559 is a nerdy guy who didn't know better. But I didn't want a nerdy 440 00:31:29.559 --> 00:31:32.720 guy in my life. We're done there. Listen, if you're the person 441 00:31:32.799 --> 00:31:36.440 being rejected, I want you to know that it's okay to feel hurt, 442 00:31:37.039 --> 00:31:40.960 but don't ruminate about it. Surround yourself by people you love you who love 443 00:31:41.000 --> 00:31:44.160 you, your friend's, family, colleagues, right, get that social support 444 00:31:44.200 --> 00:31:48.720 you need. Remind yourself that there is somebody out there for you. Just 445 00:31:48.759 --> 00:31:52.440 because you're a bad match doesn't mean you're a bad person. Right. We 446 00:31:52.480 --> 00:31:56.480 all go out with people where it doesn't work out, and do the work 447 00:31:56.519 --> 00:32:00.720 that you need to do. Be mindful, journal go to therapy if you 448 00:32:00.759 --> 00:32:07.559 need to. If you're constantly constantly feeling rejected and grieving and loss, then 449 00:32:07.559 --> 00:32:12.279 maybe you're picking people who will reject you unconsciously, not consciously unconsciously you could 450 00:32:12.279 --> 00:32:15.119 be picking people who will reject you, and you need to talk to a 451 00:32:15.160 --> 00:32:19.160 therapist about why you're always chasing those people who will hurt you. All Right, 452 00:32:19.240 --> 00:32:21.599 when we come back, I am going to be taking your calls. 453 00:32:21.680 --> 00:32:23.680 If you have a relationship question, I would love to weigh in on your 454 00:32:23.680 --> 00:32:28.559 love life. The number is one eight hundred and five two zero one KFI. 455 00:32:28.759 --> 00:32:32.000 That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. Reminder, 456 00:32:32.000 --> 00:32:36.160 I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three books 457 00:32:36.160 --> 00:32:39.480 on relationships, did a dissertation on attachment theory, and I love to weigh 458 00:32:39.559 --> 00:32:43.000 in on people's love lives. Give me a call. You're listening to the 459 00:32:43.039 --> 00:32:46.279 Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the 460 00:32:46.319 --> 00:32:52.000 iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walls. You can always hear 461 00:32:52.079 --> 00:32:57.119 us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and 462 00:32:57.240 --> 00:33:00.000 anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.