Margery parts and to the part worth as their don complana look at all assert
the sages June not toss for those don't NECs always in June, these into
those in guard all those in are the hearteas a Greek fantasy authors take on
a statistic games master will nice Trug. Hey everybody, I'm John Hartness and
I'll be playing the role of Alphonse light Bringer, sawed off shithead who just
wants to punch everyone in well in anything he can reach in real life.
I'm the founder and publisher of Falstaff Books, and I'm also the author of
multiple series, including Bubba the Monster Hunter, Quincy Harker Demon Hunter, and
the Black Knight Chronicles. And you can pre order my latest book, Lost,
the ninth book in the Quincy Harker Demon Hunter series, right now at
shopify site. So find me on the interwebs and get that address. Hi.
I'm Joseph Brassey. I play the role of calhashwood Stone Paladin. I
was an author on the mongoliaed books, and my novels Skyfair and Dragon Road
can now be acquired from Falstaff Books. You can get them on the Shopify
just like John Stuff and Amazon or anywhere else, and I am the author
of such non existent titles as Human Poop or Dog Poop. You decide salutations
flesh bags, I am Metallicazam, the electrical ethical enforcer. Of course,
in my more human life, you might know me as Drew Hayes, author
of books such as superpowereds NPCs for the Vampire Accountant, five Minutes Sherlock,
the latest of which is now available from Audible Books. That's number three in
the series, and The Villain's Code series, which, in celebration of me
finishing the rough draft of number three, I will plug Villains Vignette's Volume one,
a very important two point five in the series that if you don't read
it, you're gonna have a lot of quick questions when three comes up and
shit gets introduced and you're like, what the fuck? So, uh yeah,
check it out. We have Amy Landon doing the audio and it's available
in print and ebook and from Audible. Hello friends, my name is Robert
Bevan. I play the role of Chaucer the Sorcerer in real life. I
read the Caverns of Creature series of comedy fantasy novels and short stories, starting
with the first book, Critical Failures. Yay Stan Dandy Olivey here. Professional
folk here are rebuilding his legend one fuck up at a time. In real
life, I am, of course Steve Webell, aorth for of books such
as Everyone You Love Will Be Eaten by Wolves. Go check them out.
Greetings fleshlings, I am Mega Rick QUOLTERII, the leader of these dissected deceptic
cocks. In real life, I write several things, including Bill the Dead
and the Thoma Bill series. My two latest uh Bor War is out for
for ebook and print. And if you want to read something for free by
me, go to Royal Road and look up Time Chaser and Welcome to It
is in all likelihood you know, salty bastards. The final chapter. It's
been a while I know this, so let's bring you all at the speed.
So the group had had inherited, yeah, because they were dead Chorcerer's
Uncle's keep the Hall of Flesh, and the Hall of Flesh is a barony
close to a town called Knob's End. Knob's End has a celebration called the
Knobbeding, which the group was attending, and the Knobbedting is basically where they
make the first batch of a lubrigant called knob gob which is what this town
is known for, which involves boiling a local plan called Robroot with dead goblins.
Upon learning about this and that's that they were meant to oversee basically the
sacrifice of a bunch of goblins to essentially make well, well yeah, lube
yes, so in order to like you know that, in showing their their
displeasure, they pretty much decided to start murdering the guards and the mayor and
setting for the goblins who started to help them. And just when it looked
like chaos was descending upon these people who they were supposed to protect for ORNs
dead slaughtering, a group of ogres came in, Ogres sporting massive erect fallacies
who basically well, let's just say they used the local plants as their own
version of engorgement. Pretty much total casts ensued. I'd like to put out
the old adage, if you murder a murderer, the number of murderers remains
the same as is technically true if you stop at one. Marl conundrums easily
so by fiable math has has fixed this one real fast. I'll just say
Calum most certainly did not stop at one. He pretty much exactly. I
feel like that's definitely Cal's easy justification. I could sail the map. That's
just a big trail of red crosses following townsfolk. There are several ten guard
dead guards. The mayor is dead good George was attempting to escape the carnage
when the ogre showed up and knocked him from his horse and trying to escape.
I was trying to make it back to the castle or whatever and ejaculate
through the telescope to cover the whole town and a web. Wow, that's
not how telescopes work. Wait, and you remember that plan. It's a
good plan because I couldn't do it. Rick wouldn't let me leave. At
least one of us had a plan. Drink. If you look through a
telescope at the moon and jack off to it, it's not like you know
something. But I can't cast magic, so I don't know what happens when
a wizard jerks off at the moon. This will sounds pretty feasible to me.
Rick. Maybe maybe that's how familiar I don't. I don't know.
Well, now you have the authors in dragons challenge. Folks, do not
for the record, send us links to video of this side quest the moon.
Yeah, if you want to jerk off at the moon, that is
your own business. Doesn't have to be. We can make a thread into
this coade. We'll see. Put it on YouTube to us we would look
at that sexy moon up there. Clar five youtu YouTube and bukkaki the man
in the moon and cue Jim Carrey memes. Well you know what they say,
shape for the man. Why don't we all Wow, all right,
we're back, baby, But what should we really be? Why don't we
all Why don't we all roll initiative and start fresh in this battle? Fresh
up? Sounds good something being fresh in this battle? Uh yeah, our
fonsel Land of nineteen. Metallica Zam got a seventeen Cow rolls of nineteen as
well. The Sorcerer rolls four. That seems that tracks Stan Dane Lava rolls
a seventeen. Stan used to be quick. Oh wait a minute, Son
again an initiative bonus, So Stan Dandy Liver actually rolls a twenty. Well,
Stan used to have staying power. Now Stan is quick? Then I
think we have everybody all right. Stan, you were up, you were
standing next to Metallicazam in the middle of town. There is a brazier in
front of you that was going to be used to sacrifice the goblins. See,
the mayor is over here dead. There are guards over here with a
catapult. There are people screaming, there are people dying. There are ogres,
you know, with giant with giant dicks, clubbing people to death with
them. And there's a bunch of goblins over here who are looking to get
the revenge on humanity. What would you like to do? Well, it's
when South rather quickly wonder why this god next to me is the guy I
already tried diplomacy on, right, This is actually just townsfolk. Oh,
I don't have to diplomacy him in the ribstead. I guess is he Is
he a fret to me? Or he's Most of the townspeople are running around.
They didn't have any inkling that they were going to be fighting. These
are just simple peasants, so they're more likely to just get in the way
in panic then fight you back human shields check, unless you start hacking them
down, which case they might take offense to that. But you've already started
hacking them down, So well, I guess we'll say that guy is cass.
We've gone down to hacking them down, right, that's fair when several
small fires are also burning in the town. Yeah, that's the least word.
Throw the mayor in the brazier now that I'm thinking about it, Yeah,
soup, Yeah, yeah, I think you like, I remember got
thrown in. I think he tried to get out and somebody kicked him back
in. Yeah, he's probably dissolved by now. I imagine. Oh,
he was definitely dead. I do remember, Yes, he went down big
tide. You loyal, you're loyal subject? Dead? Yeah, dramatically?
So was that fucking loyal? He would have lived? Yeah? I mean,
I don't know the mayor is our loyal subject. Well, looking at
the state of play, it looks like Col's got one guy to worry about,
So I'm going to say he's got enough to worry about. He's got
the goblins at the back. There too, are the goblins on our side.
I think, well, Cal freed the goblins, so at the moment,
the goblin seemed to be on col side. Okay, Alphon seems to
be squaring up to an ogre. That doesn't look good, not for the
ogre at Dunton. We've set a light to one capul and the creeping up
on standing Italica's am, Yeah, where he's behind the That's not an over,
that's just a fat townsperson. Oh okay, I feel disgusting. Look
out. He's like, actually, it's a glad dealer problem. Look he
looks at you. He's like, words, hurt man, no one else.
That's fine, we need to take out that cathpol. Of all the
things that Talkasam has done, that might be the one he feels. It's
not the people you intentionally hurt that you stay awake at night thinking about.
It's that one guy you unintentionally hurt. Yeah, it's like he didn't do
anything to me. He was just standing that big lodge. And maybe the
slaves who died in the hold of the ship. Oh no, he isn't
that. There's no guilt on metallic exam. He did his part. You
guys feeled yours. Yeah, let's let's not dwell on it here. You're
not breathing the water. It's like, I'll take care of the ship,
y'all, free the slaves. I took care of the ship. I got
the ship beat out of me. So sorry, all right, I get
the feeling I should cover someone. I just know that Metallica Zam will go
before the next catapul and the catapul is probably the likely target for his next
fire attack, I would imagine, because that's kind of what we've been doing.
But so, yeah, I'm just wondering who I should form up on
run interference for, which is pretty much all I'm good for. And it
looks like Alphons is the most fucked oven juucer who is very far away due
to his droser grabbed a horse and ran away. Yeah, I don't think
we're accounting for him. Yeah, none of you have line of sight the
dresser. It seems like this might be a good time to align myself with
cal the Goblin freer. I feel that it could be a good PR move.
I honest to God, thought you were going to say the ogres.
Well, yeah, honestly, we're talking about who's the clear winner of this
situation. Yeah, but we're talking about what looks good. I'm gonna,
I guess take both my movement to get beside col. I'd say I was
on the right side of history all along, and I think that probably scuffs
my my bonus, but I believe I can attack this guard. So I
will do so, and I'll take a slasher in with the rapia for coming
up for eighteen eighteen. Yeah, yep, that hits. Okay, right,
here's one D eight plus two, so four I have have a little
in his in his jacket. You don't kill him. Basically, just run
up out of nowhere and stab this guy. Ah, tally ho, bitch.
All right? Is that your turn? H yeah, that's that's a
strong opener. I think we'll see what repercussions come. Well, he survived
you. But now it's Cal Dan just rand up to you and stabbed the
guard. Goblin murdering god. Nice, see Megan the right choice man.
Okay, let's finish this and Cal's gonna attack the guard with his sword.
This is what diplomatic failure looks like. That's fifteen. That misses all right
with a get one attack Cal, Oh yeah, I do get to hold
on. I always imagine Cal with a sword in one hand and a blend
in the other. Second one, that hits all right, that's eight.
All right, you run this guard through you like dies. It's like I
was just doing my duty. Yeah yeah, yeah. The guys arenberg.
Well that that raises a lot of questions about this world's history. Now,
yeah, I had to see well that guy bleak quick. All right,
Alphonse, you are facing off against an ogre and there are some screaming meetings
behind, like you know, running around behind you. Would you please shut
the fuck up. I'm trying to fight here. I'm gonna reach out and
touch some ogre, and by that I mean I'm gonna cast inflict wounds and
just kind of lightly reach out and graze his knee. I hope, m
run damn that that more than hits them. So you've been speedbagging people's crutches.
I guess it's AGAs more like a heavy bag exactly. That was twenty
four necrotic. Oh damn. Alright, he's still up, but he wishes
he wasn't. Yeah, he's got he's got black. Oh well, since
he's still around, I guess I'll use floria blows and spend a key point
and punch him. Yeah, floria blows is eight? Wait how many?
How many? I get too? But I'm swinging twice. So yeah,
the uh Jesus twenty three. That definitely his only for four though. All
right, he is still kicking, but he is not looking good. I
mean kicking, but his Okay, he's not kicking, he's more hobbled,
hobbling. Billy Barty just gave him fucking necrotizing fasci itis. I think he's
having a bad day. You just gave this guy like the megasiff. Yeah,
yeah, that was my bonus action. I think I get another attack,
not damn, because I get two attacks and then I get a bonus
action. Right well, okay, so so inflict inflict wounds? Is that
a spell because it's considered an attack because of my particular monkness. Okay,
so it's only so if it's considered an attack, then that would probably be
your full attack. Okay, yeah, well then there we go. That's
enough for me. I don't need to run away. I bug to die.
I think you have this well in hand. I don't have anything of
this big boner ogres in hand. I don't think I can even reach it
metallic. Because am you were standing there all by yourself. Stan has has
left. There are some guards behind you, there's a burning brazier in front
of you, there's people panicking. The building next to you is starting to
burn. Well, I believe it might be time for an expedient skid daddling
after I of course cast a firebolt at the catapult, So all right,
give me let me get over here, all right, so fire bolt,
Yeah, it's in one hundred and twenty feet. Ten all right, it's
oh cool. There's only a piece of wood, fair enough. Fourteen fire
damage and there is a flammable object yep, yeah, all right, catapult
lights on fire as the cart's like a put it out all right. I
don't even remember why I'm breaking those at this point, but I remember that
I am. So I'm going to move up to here, and then I
have my Justice Sword cast I already checked and it can move up to twenty
feet before taking I'll do the full twenty to get it out of the way
before taking its attack on this guard. Oh yeah, slicy slices hey,
nineteen Jesus hits all right for ten damage. Oh you took up massive slice
out of him. He is not looking good. He's pretty much driven to
his knees, which not really a great place for that. Yeah, he's
got a lot of goblins behind that pretty much makes some goblin height. Now
yeah, all right, and that is pretty much all I can do,
I'll adjust my counter down for the justice. Slash guy looks like he has
eight rounds left, all right. Zipper, the leader of the of the
gob He looks at the down guard and he's like, you were going to
make knob gob out of us? Well, maybe we'll make some knob Man
says to everyone, like give him a chance. He's only just been free.
He come up with a better one line of later. Yeah, he
takes out the guard. He kills the guard, and then he turns to
the other goblins and he's like, gather the tonesfolk, We'll do to them
what they were going to do to us. Oh yeah, the goblins starts
spreading out. I's gonna end up telling everybody, are we on their side?
Or do you act like we didn't know that's where this was going?
Yeah? I mean, how how guilty do we feel like the townsfolk are?
That's fair, That's entirely fair. I mean the goblins are just goblining
around and the townsfolk are going to melt them into k I will point out
that the towns are engaging in a lawful activity that is sanctioned by the kingdom.
We have had plenty of issues with some of the lawful and yet atrocious
crap this kingdom has done? How fast? Remember noting a slave ship that
was also lawful, and yet we two rungs don't make it right, but
they do make an atrocity. But I think I think we're working our way
toward war crime at this point. All right, it is the ogres turn.
Oh my, the first ogre steps up, and first he goes to
club huge Rosler on the ground. Oh I forgot that. Jesus, He's
not even on my part of the map. That's a twelve hitch. Joser
just ran off, bubbling something about coming for a telescope. We're all like,
okay, he's gone now, I guess, yeah, yeah, you
have like a decks of seven. All right, Well he he cock slams
you with his meat club for nine. And then he and then with his
second attack the horse next to you. So one for the horse you rode
in on or tried to rode ride off on. All right, I'm gonna
give you. I'm gonna give you points for that. You got full points
for that one, Bud. The horse might be the only innocent on the
board. Yeah, not once that Ogre is done with him, because there's
some violation happening here. I'm not still gonna be on the board with this
guy's slam. He slams this he pretty much snaps this horse's spine. Oh
god, Oh, I figured it was gonna fly off. For any little
listening who wants to send hate mail that Rick was the fucking d M at
gmail dot com. You can also alternately send it to the rest of us.
Didn't kill the horse. It was all Rick. You know, they
say don't kill the dog. There's nothing about don't kill the horse with the
giant ogre. Dick, I am. Those are the words of a man
who has never gotten hate mail for killing a horse and a book. I
kill horses in every fucking book I write. We had research. I researched
like ten different ways to euthanize the horse, and being cock slapped by an
ogre was not on that list. Yeah, Bob goes through horses like he's
on the fucking set of Beast Master. God. That would have been great.
That would have been great if it was like the Mongols are just like,
hmm, we have to kill this horse. Bring out the ogre.
Dick the only person who goes through more horses than Bevan is Catherine the fucking
Great. Yeah, I research waste to euphanize a horse and slapping in the
Death of an ogre. Dick was only number eight. All Right, this
ogre starts starts gobbling rod root over here, because that's what they came for.
No, just let him meet the roode. Yes, ogre starts going
after the townspeople. Oh and another horse. Horse. He just really fucking
hates horses. Well, he misses the horse, but he just utterly decimates
this person pretty much slams on the top of his head, just slams his
head like, you know, straight down into his torso. So he pushed
the horse out of the way heroically. See, I feel like, we
don't care that they're killing the townsfolk, but the fact that the ogres are
attacking the horses, I don't think we can let that stand. No,
this ogre here is also gobbling some rod root to help his engorgement. And
this one has a He only gets one attack as he's on his last legs,
but he's gonna come out. Yeah, he's he's doing this one with
disadvantage because well his meat club is a little rotted. Also, I'm like
two and a half fucking feet tall. Quick use the catap Uh, nothing
is nothing to roll a fourteen Yeah, I'll suck it sixteen ac if you
wish to socker, bitch, I'm anna rip it off at the route and
beat your brother to death with it. That counts as an unarmed strike because
I'm an unman your ass or over right. It's the guards turn, all
right, I've got the let's see right away. We wait. We have
not been good to these guys, all right, me cal these two guards
here since since you just ignited this, they're going to attempt to put out
the catapult, So let's give them. Let's let's give them a fort chance.
What's good for you, guys? Higher low I'm being high, is
good for cat That's good. That's that's good for me. It's always nice
to see a minimum always, all right, they're just going above and beyond
to do his shitty job. All right, They rolled above a forty,
so it is still burning. This guard here loses his nerve and he hops
on this horse and they start galloping out of town. That's the most sensible
thing I've seen is this guard. You know, he actually has a sense
of duty. He uh he goes after this ogre who's busy well gorging himself.
You are really working the word Gorge here, the hero this town deserves.
There's a sense of duty, and there's yeah, and there's just he
wants to die. This is how I always prayed it would happen. He's
looking around, he's noticed, He's noticed, like you know, his family
has already dead. He's got nothing left to live for. So he runs
up to an ogre with a boner and pokes him with a stick. There
are easy way you know something. There there are, but there are less
memorable ways as well. It's behind the house now one can see it.
And Georgia. We don't even know his name, so who cares if he
If he jumps on a horse, would he be called Georcier or the horse?
Well we'll never know now Well, I mean, if he jumps on
the horse that's laying broken next to him, I don't want to know what
he's going to be called. It's Georger. You're you're you're there. There's
a dead, crushed horse next to you, and you're looking up at this
this giant ball sack hanging over you. Oh boy, oh that was my
ride. Shucks, all right, so he's really getting a nostalgia trip on
his trip back to his side town. Waking up to a giant bulls,
he gets an attack of opportunity, right, Yes, bomber and disengaging.
That's that's a bonus action or what is that? So? I think that's
your full leg, your full unless you're a thief, that's your full action.
Yeah, turn movement, full turn. I think it's full turn.
I don't think. Yeah, you can't disengage in attack. Yep, that's
what makes a rogue so special. Shucks, if only you were playing a
rogue in this game. I mean, he wouldn't know it any better if
he were playing a rogue in another game. Well, I guess I am
with nothing else to do. Perhaps my final act, I h I shall
spray the biggest load I can. I'm run to cast a web. Oh,
speaking of which I believe it was mentioned before, ethnically sourced lube.
Yes, I'll be using that to spray a giant web on both ogres.
Ethnically ethnically, I mean, I guess it is that might be ethnically I
source my lube where I source it? I got nothing? This is this
is the worst. Now web, let me find the little web button.
We hear him shout, Oh god, I'm assuming George for is shouting that.
I'm busy listening to the sound of ogre blood hitting the ground, calling
his attacks like an anime character, the worst anime character. I mean,
God, I hate to say it, but I mean anime. He's tried
hard, Joe, It's really tried hard. But I don't know if it's
got a Georgia is just a hentai character. Well, I guess I didn't
really need to push the button. No, you just cast it. They
have to make a save to avoid Yes, it's a twenty it's a twenty
foot cube, so you could technically get both of these ogres. Yeah,
well that's that was the intention. So I'm gonna start from the upper right
corner of the ogre nearest me and then turn twenty and I'll catch the the
tip of the other ogre with the other corner. Just a tip, Just
a terrible way to phrase. So this looks like it's a spell Saved DC
thirteenth. I assume that's a deck save me shown on the screen as a
deck save of fourteen. Oh all right, So first ogre makes it second
does not? So this ogre here. Actually, I want to say,
the ogre attacking you is the one. He's he's restrained, and now it's
a bonded show. He's like standing there, sticky, I usually come later.
Behold my wonder. Although Gorcerer, now that he has restrained, he
actually cannot make an attack of opportunity against you. So if you did want
to move, you could I do. And since the other guy isn't that
restrained, I'm gonna run the other way. Let's see you ten, I
think is the smartest thing Jorcerer has done in this entire campaign. All right,
I'm gonna human shield this guy. Hello for nice. He just made
this village's day worse. You weren't supposed to be our protector? Did you
not see the load? Ah? Is that it? Joseph other than can
possibly do? Yes, I was well spent, well done? All right?
Stan you are you do not? You do not see any of that
go on? You do here? You do? Here's that there is something
going on on this side. But for the moment you were watching these ogres
attack the townspeople. I'm sorry these goblins attack the townspeople. Something of an
ethnic, not ethnical, an ethical conundrum. I mean that was you never
mind, right, I'm not attacking anyone who isn't attacking anyone else. I'm
not going for the goblins. We just freedom. They're making some poor choices,
But I think everyone who was actively trying to stop as freeing the goblins
is even now dead or fully occupied. And the only I think unreasonable,
perhaps unfair, is these ogres with raging hard ons, which no one deserves.
Let's be reasonable. George have deserved it. Yeah, he might secretly
wish for it, But I don't see any of those. They are all
behind houses. Yeah, that is true. You actually can't as far as
you're you know, you don't even know the town's getting attacked other than people
screaming. And since you caused most of the screaming, I tried diplomacy,
Rick, My conscious is clear. You're as innocent as metallic as am.
We should all be so lucky. Yeah. Oh, I will put it
the link that the catapult you were standing next is fully operational. Oh over
the houses, Like, how tall are they? They're like nine feet tall?
Okay, how tall the houses more than nine? They're not hobbit houses.
So yes, they're more than nine feet tall. A one story house
might not obscure entirely a nine foot monster. Well, Stan is nothing of
not unreasonably confident. I could definitely work this catapult, and I definitely remember
the location of the OVA catapult, which I'm not sure if metallic exama sound
fire or not yet. So I wish to have a go on this catapult.
Please, Rick, I assume fire this catapult at this catapult, yes,
please, all right, So that catapult is completely hidden from you,
so that would be pretty much like firing blind. Yeah, I remember where
it is. I think I can take this. This is gonna be fine.
I'd say, hey, hey, cow watch this all right, you're
coming in this definite disadvantage on this one. It's a willful disadvantage. Trust
me, this will be fine. Oh boy, they we're about to see
the end of another horse normal. Normally, normally you'd have plus five plus
five to like, you know, to hit on this. But since you're
aiming blind, we're gonna assume cover. So it's just a wash. It's
just a D twenty. No worries here. We got demonstration in basic physics.
What are the dice gonna do boy, get a load of this fatty.
I'm lucky for some will roll twice because, like I said, it's
disadvantage eleven. All right, that is not terrible. You don't you do?
You do manage to launch it over this house and you hear a thud
on the other side. But you don't think hearing this way oftens this way?
Oh no, oh, I suppose you can stop to gather a few
flowers. Give me a perception, stand perception, I kill. Let me
just see. There's a lot of sound going on. I got a plus
fourum perception. So D twenty is that this is a D eighteen. I
did not make DC. All you heard this continued screams of the townsfolk.
Well, I thought that went rather well. I mean, didn't destroy a
house. Well we it may have destroyed a house behind that house that probably
not probably saved the day. I should imagine anything else. Stand No,
I'm in a capitol. I'm even quite good about myself. All right.
By the way it takes it takes around to reload the catapult. Just in
case you care, can I bonus that? No, it's a big ass
rockh Okay, I tried, cal okay, let's see here can hmm,
what am I aware of? Like, because I know there's there's this,
there's two trapped ogres north of us, but give me, give me perception.
Yeah, I think that sounds about it's an eleven. Yeah, you
hear the screams of the town. You do hear something like, you know,
heavy going on behind this, and you hear like you know, you
hear zipper like you know, shouting orders. Okay, did I see Georgia
go off that way before earlier? Yeah? I mean yeah, you would
have seen him head head north, but you definitely would have lost sight of
him. Oh yeah, yeah. I'm trying to think if there's any viable,
like justifiable reason for him to go around that corner. Yeah, I
mean you were all together originally, So yeah, okay, uh, I'm
gonna walk. I'm gonna take fifteen feet of movement and walk around the corner
to just look. Uh, he's just walking out, like all right,
let's see what's what's the hell's going on over here? You see a big
ass ogre and a dead human. Oh next and next to you, this
goblin is grabbing this this old lady by the hair. Hm hmm. See
spanking her while there's a lot going on. That's Can I see the dead
horse? Yeah, you have line of sight the okay? Cool? Can
I put two and two together that the ogre's probably killed it. The horse
looks like it's spine has been shattered. Yeah, I'm an oath of the
ancients, paladin man I care about nature distinctly like indentation in its back.
It was either the world's biggest chilele or or an average size over cock.
Either either a tree fell on this horse or how trapped is this second ogre
here? Like? All right? So this ogre is restrained, this ogre
is uh is just in difficult terrain, just in difficult train. Okay,
hmmm, should have run out of obvious villains to kill. Let's see here,
all right, I'm gonna move, I'm gonna, I'm gonna I'm gonna
go towards the ogre because like that that no, no, no, you
killed a horse. Horses are the only innocence. I mean, it's that's
true in this In this case, definitely, I am going to do two
attacks against the ogre. So natural twenty oh and twenty five both hit no
ogre. That is thirteen and nine, so he didn't. He took a
pretty decent chunk out of them. Stop killing horses, you fucker. A
noble creature must eat rod rooted. No, no, no, no,
no, horses did fuck off? What are you trying to do? Man?
All right? That is that you col Yeah, I don't think I
have any more actions. I'm not I'm not hurt or anything, so all
right it takes a yeah, I think I'm good. Then back to you.
Al hmmm, let's see, there's an over in front of me.
It needs punching, a very wounded ogre, so I shall supply punching.
M hm ten that misses. I guess it's a good thing. I get
more attacked, I get two attacks per round, because a twenty four probably
gets me there. Oh, most certainly it does. Four eight And that
is that is more than enough to send this guy toppling to the ground atop
his his deflated ogre hood. That's right. And I'll be coming around here,
just pulling in that thing around. Ali. I'm hearing the noise of
a balloon biff light as this happens. That's right. Definitely, these two
ladies here like see the ogre die and for a moment you're like our hero.
Then they're like, wait, you cause this mister begin with get out
of the way. So yeah, I'm just gonna Oh look, I can
move forty feet in a turn. Yeah, oh look, I'll move here.
That puts me within thirty feet of this other ogre. Yep, and
I can use my radiant sunbolt attack twice after using after attacking as a bonus
action. So I will spend to keep point brand. I will fling a
bolt of fire at this little douche the odor of the guard the ogre for
now guards like you didn't find this push here. First first shot is a
thirteen that hits, and the second shot is a ten that misses. So
I'll deal eight radiant. That's enough to give the bit of a sunburn on
the wiener. Marshmallows are next, bitch, We're here making somemores out of
your minuses. I don't know much about about D and D is an ogre's
ac defined by the size of its cock? Is that? Is that something
that third edition? That definitely feels like a three point five rule? But
yeah, oh very much so, yeah, that that feels like plenty.
I killed to be as close to real life as possible with the halflings and
the ogres. Yeah, got it, all right, Well, Metallic Exam,
it is your turn. Okay, did I hear right that the goblin
over here is like grabbing and trying to kill this human in plain sight?
Well you're not sure if they're trying to kill it, but he's definitely grabbing
that human. By the way, the fires are starting to spread. Cool
deal. Okay, so Metallica even notices the roaring and feder around. You
know that meme about the house on fire, And this is fine. That
is metallicasam. We're gonna go ahead and let the old justice slash sword take
a whack at that goblin you twenty five that hits for five image, all
right, and then the and then I will I will do a toll the
dead on that same goblin, since that does not directly show that I'm casting
at him. Ah, so he makes a will safe as the person closest
to this goblin of the sword. I'm not entirely happy about this approach.
We'll say we'll save. We'll say sorry, wisdom saving thro Sorry, man,
I gotta go take contacts out after this real quick. But yeah,
he is one all right, then he will take the uhcrotic damage. Is
the target missing any of its hit points? Yes, all right, so
he takes twelve necrotic damage. All right, this, this, this goblin
just shrivels and dies. Parents of God, is not like if you do
such things. And I will take my actual movement to casually walk over the
corpses and get slightly away from the fire. I don't take quite that secuitous
route, but that all right, I will be like, I gotta go
take this contact out. Sorry, guess all right, not a problem.
It is the coblin's turn. Well, Zipper notices that that this goblin dies,
and this human is standing there. He looks just like that you been
killed in book mag Uder. Well, Doug Metallica, all right, this
goblin comes up to try to conquences. But man, for us, it
feels like it should be the law of what should have been completely expected consequences.
All right. So this coblin Pritty much like hops on that his old
lady and just starts like you know, and just starts jabbing her with uh,
you know, the sword he'd like grabbed from the guard. Whereas Zipper
moves over here and with this fellow. They grab hold of this person,
like, come with us, human into the pot with you. I mean,
either way, we were gonna be uh, we were going to be
part of something horrible. So all right, so they start dragging this uh,
this human down here, and it's pretty obvious what they're gonna do.
In meantime, this uh, this oh, this goblin is kind of trying
to drag this person by himself. All right, that's the goblins, and
now it's the ogre's turn. All right, this ogre is trapped. Let's
see if he can get out X save. Nope, he's still restrained.
This ocre. He needs to make us strength save. I think our strength
strength strength chat my bad, I'm I mean I don't know, that's for
a fact. I'm going by memory. I sure I should just make a
strength check against your spell saved. Okay, yes, okay, so this
will be a strength check. H he bursts free. Oh boy, it
takes all action. Yeah, yeah, that is his action. This ogre
turns the cow since cow just attacked mm hmm club human. Don't worry,
cow. These ogres are pansy, not a human. They're stupid. They
don't know what the fucking difference. But two eleven's I assume that this is
your gout. This ogre is going after this guard. Oh, he just
clubs the ship out of this guard, clubs him into a gooey white piece.
Well you got the deaf he wife wanted and deserved. Oh, this
ogre moves this way, and let's see here, he's mostly looking for the
road root. You know, when you think about it's crazy how no matter
where we go, we're the only ones who deserve to live. Ain't it
funny how that is convenient? I don't. I don't see that. He
doesn't tramp on these two people, but he mostly knocks him out of the
way. All right. That leaves the guards. Let's see one fewer than
one. One guard is run he's uh, he's racing out of the city.
That technically there's only two guards left. Smack up. You know something,
These guards see what going on, what's going on, and they say
fuck this and they start running for the hills. I telled you, so
they're like one gold piece of month isn't worth It isn't worth it. I
staid, No, this is a little town is probably like one silver a
month to get paid. All right, Georcer. It is your turn,
Chorcer. You're alive for another turn. You can yeah here behind you you
do. This guy is free, all right. He's still in the web.
He's in difficult terrain, so I can probably get far enough way to
where you can't catch me. All right, I want to go one,
two, three, four, five. I'm gonna move behind this house over
nere My Metallica xam and do something I should have done before I was down
to nine hit points. I will cast maje armor. He is alive.
My only regret is that I could not save this town ah with the telescope.
It's so so sad that you didn't get to jis on literally everyone here.
Hey, he was the he's the other guy trying to save the town
man, young friend. No, mm hmm. You'll just have to do
it one person at a time, like you've been going through life. Give
me a oh, give me a perception check oh by Josel rules a ten.
Okay, that's not enough. Let's see here, Stan your and why
don't you give me a perception as well? Okay, Doki perception is plus
four, so h eight, you don't notice anything either, all right,
Stan is your turn. I'm standing between them. Do I get a perception
check? Yeah? Sure, why not? You were really engaged in a
battle? Sorry? Right? Sixteen? Okay, that's actually good enough.
You hear a familiar voice in the distance screaming, Lord Chosper, Lord Chosper,
and i'd say, yeah, you have a line of sight up in
this direction. You see your faithful Gollum servant, or the Hall of Flesh's
faithful Gollum servant, Johnson staggering, staggering into town. He looks really beat
up. Wow, it seems someone's given your Johnson a good whacking. Ah,
nicely landed, Jared. Well we'll see what you do on your turn.
Stand at your turn. You did not hear anything? Okay, Well
I noticed that the goblins are getting out of hands, but I also know
that my fellow is engaged in battle. So I'm going to engage the only
ethical thing I can do, which is bro men before yeomen and form up
on col All right, then I will attack four. I will attack four.
Seventeen. That hits okay, for a pathetic amount of damage, no
doubt. Oh no, not too bad. Ten. Yeah, you stabbed
this over pretty good. Just shove a rapier down at Eurefa like a giant
air clean. Oh god, I can feel unattackted. Well, just just
you know, these guys do not have a very good armor class because they
they are effectively nude. Yeah, and massive as well. It's not easy
targets anything else. Stand, what can I take as a bonus? I
don't know. I've got my sword down as dick hole. Probably not much.
Uh, there's always time for dick whole sword. Yeah. I should
probably do a one liner at this point, but I don't know. I
think there's just an empathetic ooh from everyone, so maybe makes me uncomfortable.
Yeah, I could disengage. I don't know. I guess I'm gonna No,
you can't. Well, actually yeah you could. Got a bonus for
disengage. I still got some movement left there. I dare I stab this
thing in the Urefa and then hide behind Kel. Yes, yes I do.
I'm here to save today, he says from behinde Kel. Surely that
will kill it eventually. All right, cal you just you just which Stan
come up, stab this this over and the dick doesn't enraging it, and
then hide behind you. All right, I'm gonna roll. I'm gonna attack
twice. That's a twenty three, that's it, and the twenty thirty all
right, and that's twelve and thirteen damage respectively. This is over looks like
he's on his last legs. The first second or third his last tripod I
had the right choice. I don't think I have any honest actions I can
really take. Yeah, no, he's just he's just attacking twice and holding
position because no what else he gonna do? All right, then, alphons,
Oh, I'm gonna go over here and beat the fuck out of this
out of the sky that I just shot a fireball at sounds good? Do
do? That'll be two unarmed strikes. First one's a ten nope, The
next one's a twenty five that hits for six, and then we'll spend a
key point for flurry of blows and punch him twice more. First one is
an eleven that hits, and the next one's an eight. Nope. All
right, well that's five. Still. You take me some chunk of damage
out of this guy. You ready to quit yet? Dickhead? Okay,
that might not have been the best choice of words. Put dick onnored You
know I would I would make some smart ass remark. But I'm literally looking
at the corpse of a guard that he just beat to death with his dick.
So all right, so metallic exam. You heard you heard Johnson screaming
for Lord Joser. In the meantime, you also noticed that Zipper and another
of the Goblin are dragging this human and the verly loud loudly screaming to the
Brasier, we'll melt them instead. I will let Jorcerer know that uh dorser,
your goleum I believe is coming down the road. You might want to
contend to that. I was really hoping you were going to say, you're
Johnson is calling to you, and then I will seeing is the sword or
seeing is that goblin killed the person I was trying to save. He's getting
a justice slash. If I can get my thing to roll twenty five again,
oh very much so eleven damage that is enough to take him down.
All right, I will go ahead and just start walking up to go kind
of check on cal Okay, I can get up there. It's it's been
a while and I feel like can I can I see the ogre at that
point? Oh very much so excellent. You can see two ogres at that
point. Nice, Well, I will go ahead, and I'm I'm willing
to bet that ogres don't have the greatest wisdom in the world. So I
would like to toll the dead, the one that Cal has visibly wounded.
Okay, that is a wisdom saving throw of fifteen. That is a miss
alrighty, then he shall take missing any of it to the points yes,
thirteen necrotic damage. All right, His massive ogre dick is so engorged that
your attack basically causes him to have a stroke right there and at the ground.
Wait a minute, what kind of still better than anything I thought any
place? I thought Rick was going with that? So I call, look,
you got a giant boner and now your dick is rotting. Oh,
it'll just split down the middle and you'll die. Nope, he is quite
dead. Is that your turn? Yeah? That is pretty much all the
stuff I can do short of burning a bonus or no. I think I
use my bonus for the spiritual weapon. All right, Zipper and the other
goblin they dragged this human here, and they pretty much force his face into
brazier and hold it there as he starts screaming as he burns. I guess
we will lose ourselves with your remains. God, no one's coming out is
looking good at it? No, Well, the good thing is I'm not
there's going to be any witnesses. This is the beginning of Cal's life as
an eco terrorist. These overs are also dragging people there. I start cackling
with glee. Let's see the ogres. This ogre is fighting you, Alphonse.
No he's not. He's just standing there and I'm killing him. Maybe
not nineteen and seventeen. Okay, those both hit and that's gonna suck,
all right. He meat slaps you for twenty eight. Oh yeah, that
hurt a lot. He's like, who dickered? Now, I'm gonna wear
your foreskin for a fucking cloak, you giant bag of dead. I am
not rolling for that shit. That's a class move right there. I don't
think I have survival trained. That is, in fact the class move.
All right. This ogre is racing here because this is where the closest you
know, Boner plus plant is and this ogre let's see here. He doesn't
see Georgier anymore, but he does see Cal that you just killed his friend.
Well, maybe not friend a queen's colleague. So if it matters,
he's gone through difficult terrain that whole time. Yeah, he's got the movement
to make that. Okay, Okay, they're really they're just over here,
all right. I'll say he only gets one attack since he has moved through
the difficult terign against you, cal there's a nineteen hitch. Oh yeah,
clubs you all right, Yeah, the guards have all have all fled or
died, And George, for it your turn. Since nobody's left in my
web, I'm going to drop concentration on it. One two three. Well,
technically you wouldn't know that, but you haven't informed that I had a
plan. Anyway, I'm I'm coming out to see anyway. So one two
three four, all right, that should give me a line of sight on
the living. I assume you're just ignoring metallic exams told you. It says
something about a column. I don't remember having a column. Yes, there
was a column that was pretty much in charge of the upkeep of the Hall
of Flesh. Yeah. All I remembered was wanting to chi and telescope.
All right, all right, yes you can see this this this okay plays
his character honest by God, I'm going to pull out my ethnically sourced loob
again cast snow boukack on everyone. What is what I mean? Sleep storm?
It's huge. I'm gonna that the the giant circle is going to end
just before me, and it's a forty foot radius, so that will I
don't know. Let's draw the circle as well, but I needed, I
need, I needed to cover that ogre. It's also going to hit at
least our members. Yeah, forty foot radios. It's massive. Yeah,
that's pretty much gonna get a hit everybody but you and Alphonse. Yes,
cool, but hopefully the ogre will fall over. That'll be fun. Okay,
all right? What is what does sleet storm do? Oh yeah,
let me put this button there. It doesn't do any damage, but so
you know, I don't feel too bad about casting it on my allies.
But it does cause it's heavy obscurity, chance to fall saving its falling pro
and difficult terrain. And there it is. You can look at that.
It would also put out any fires if he aimed any wedding was on fire.
Oddly enough, I don't think it's gonna hit any flyers. I mean
the brazier, No, not at all no, no, no work,
not even slightly useful to anyone at all. All right, So basically anybody
who starts, who starts their turn, or starts to turn, or moves
into this area, are we supposed to? All right, Well, then
you do put out the fires in the town. The brazier is burning a
little bit differently though, that does not go out. You're a hero.
You've done that. You've done the one heroic except the one flyre that somebody's
getting their their face shoved and didn't go out. Ok. Well, let's
see, you know, let's not say the bar too. Hi, this
has been a very low bar so far. Anything else torture. I do
what I can. Um No, I think pretty far ont of harm's way.
So yeah, I'm I'm cool. That's around so the rest of his
I'm not if you if you want to, said to Linger, so I
think it should stay now, okay, oh Linger? Yeah, all right?
Good? Learned something every day? All right. The flesh column is
like still screaming Lord Georcier as he walks into here and h and on Johnson's
turn, he walks into the sleet storm because unlike the rest of you,
he's loyal, but he and immediately falls on his face. Droser laughs laugh
on on ice injuring himself even worse. So that brings us back around.
He's already injured. That brings us on top of and around and you know,
everybody's well almost everybody's in the middle of an ice storm of Doorcier is
doing. There's a couple of dead over, there's uh, there's goblins,
busy melting humans faces off. This looks like a pretty good place to break.
So I apologize people, I lied. There will be this is this
is the lick, you know, the final chapter before the final chapter of
of Salty Bastards. We will we will rezoom this next time and see how
the Battle of Knobs end ends. I'm sure I led swimmingly for all of
us. He'll be great the penultimate spray. Oh no, all right,
well, thanks for tuning in. We apologize for for this taking so long
to get there, but yeah, we we will. We will drag this,
uh, this, this campaign over the finish line. If it kills
us all, we will beat this off for as long as we can.
At some point we will reach a climax, or at least Joe will or
the Ogre's will, but I'm body will. Somebody got. Until next time,
tune in for the exciting client I was gonna say, exciting and salty
climax, watch a bust across the line until done, Bye bye bye.
H Authors and Dragons is brought to under Creative Commons License, meaning you are
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