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On today's Softcore History, we are talking about the Monster Rebellion. It's
got everything we love. Catholic hate, irrational self confidence, heat checks that
you wouldn't believe, socialism definitely not working, and of course a whole lot
of polygamy. The Monster Rebellion is one of the most ridiculous religious episodes in
European history, and you've probably never heard of it, so listen to it
now on Softcore History. Welcome to soft Core History. What is up?
Welcome back to soft Core History. I am your host for the week,
Rob Fox, joined as always by Dan Regester, and we have a very
special guest this week, a history podcaster another Accli you did wait wait,
acts like a professional one time. Joel's here, Joel's here. Yeah,
it's just me Joel, Joel Hodge better, thanks for having me. Hey,
you said my name right, Bring that microphone closer to you. You're
a fucking producer, dude, Dude, When you were doing my test,
this is where I kept it. Yeah, he had you leveled to that.
I heard about you. You're very picky when it comes to your sound.
He would shove that mic down in your fucking throat if you could shove
it up your ass. Brob, there's no yeah, probably probably the same
result eventually, that's what you would do. Right, It's one hole in
another. It's just whatever. The MIC's never good enough for Dan ever,
it's yes, are each like this peak audio? I'm always chasing right,
there's no such thing as a ten. You've invented a dragon, and yeah,
you are now chasing it, which, by the way, Patreon dot
com, slash soft, great history. We're talking about dragons. Oh yeah,
hell yeah? Is that the kind of dragon you're talking about? Also
my namesake Dan Dragon? Well No, no, not the you are.
Your nickname is dragons. That's why think right, But my name Daniel in
the Bible, not only dealt with lions. He dealt with dragons too.
He also fucked with the dragon. Sick and not really into it. But
you all people aren't into the Bible. I think, uh, well,
which this is a religious episode today, I hate religion. Then you're gonna
love this episode. Then you're absolutely gonna love this episode. Right, you're
gonna be like, told, you told bullshit, fuck Jesus sick. You
do kind of seem like a Church of Satan type a fella, I do.
Yeah, No, no, that's still a religion. It is.
It's actually kind of a peaceful religion. No, I mean, I guess
I'm not really anti religion. They're more community service driven. No, yeah,
they are. The Church of Satan is like a political organization basically,
Like they just kind of show up to be like, oh, you say
you can't eat every religion has to be respect everdever. And then they just
show up there. I don't think that's accurate. Yeah it is. And
then they show up and they're like, well, our religion says that abortion
rules or something, which I respect. I respect them trolling religious people trying
to shove their shit. I'm gonna have to do an episode on the church.
You say it and yeah, that's fine. Isn't that like a modern
church? Yeah, they just kind of show up to troll which is I'm
fine with that. But to say like, oh, yeah, you got
this wrong. But they're a very community service forward religion. No, no,
no, no, no, I guarantee you every church they hate,
and rightfully so for the reasons they hate them. Every church they alleged to
hate does a hundred fucking x minimum community service that they do. I think
you're so wrong on this. It's not even I'm so right, it's not
even funny. It's it's goods. I will I will stake anything on that.
That's how right I am. Is the Church of Satan like actually satanic?
Though, no, it's just sort of the trolls the trolls, But
aren't trolls satanic like historically like a cave troll would kind of come from the
devil. Yeah, they're not always bad trolls. There's good trolls like who
like when Dave what Dave the troll? Dave the Troll? Like trolls like
the movie with Justin Timberlake, like the funny controls of the Big Hair from
the nineties. Oh yeah, those were good trolls. Yeah. Yeah,
one of them was named Dave and you like you like flay their hair out
real wide and then tickle your friend's balls with them. Oh why didn't do
that part? That's what you did with them? Yeah cool, it's pretty
cool. Anyway, let's get in to this week's episode. It's always been
one of the things we've always been against on this show is self esteem.
Okay, do you having too much self esteem? Starting to believe in yourself
too much? If you believe in yourself too much, you'll believe anything about
yourself. The last thing you want in history is someone on a heat check.
Okay, because when something's on a heat check. Yeah. Rob has
first hand experience of this, like what having low self esteem? No,
having too high of oh themselves? Oh yeah, you get too Yeah,
you can believe anything. Ask him about his twenties. They're sick in the
early thirties. They're wor sick actually though, but really just the back half
of my twenties, well, no, because the front half of my twenties
is in college. Twenty to twenty three, Great, twenty four to twenty
five, pretty ass, twenty six, twenty seven, twenty nine, thirty
thirty one good mode. Oh yeah, I don't remember any of my twenties
because of alcohol. Ah yeah, I stuck animost hung animos despite the alcohol.
Although honestly, do you both push through the typical stereotype of guy that
goes hard in his twenties what he does in his thirties either find religion,
find fitness? Did none of those? I mean, I have a family,
we got hitched. Yeah, we're both married. Yeah, but you're
both alcoholics. So I'm a functioning alcoholic. Same. There's a difference,
Yeah, a functioning out. You know what a functioning alcoholic is. You
know what I call functioning alcoholic? Just a per successful Yeah, not an
alcoholic. I don't call him that. Functioning alcoholic is an oxymoron. True,
Honestly, you're not alcoholic till you like function up. Yeah, till
you start ruining your go to AA. If you're a functioning alcoholic. You
go to AA when you stop functioning. Yeah, that's an alcoholic when you
lose all your friends. Let me see those liver levels. I just wanted
the doctor. They're great, they're great. I actually had more t than
you, you little bitch. You'll cuck. Wait you're tea higher than the
six thirty five. Yeah, oh dang, fuck that my fucking cum meltz
cervixes. I guess I have. Yeah, Dan said my T should be
like nine hundred. I bet you got a I bet you got a big
old dick. You low tea little bitch. If your low t, you
got a big wang. That's what damas saying. That's true. Yeah,
because you're dumb. You're dumb retarded. Sperm can't get through the egg good,
so you need a bigger wiener to just shove it in quick, closer
because your sperm's weak. But I have I have a manly small penis with
the strongest sperm you ever seen. I got bad news for you, buddy.
Yeah, I don't have a big dick clip that very average peanuts.
Uh, you got a Goldilocks stick, goldilocks thicker, you know. Yeah,
I like satuna can Dan is what they call me. That's not that's
too thick. I did this girl I did. Yeah, it's not long,
but man, the girth this girl I did in high school was telling
me about her ex boyfriend's dick, and uh, because I asked, of
course, and she was like, I was like a hockey fuck oof.
I was like, I want to see it. I want to see that
I have a normal dick. I think it's normal. Yeah. I think
everyone would be pretty whelmed if they saw my penis, you know what I
mean. Whelmed and it's a penis. Yeah, Yeah, that's good though.
Yeah is it a cute dick? Though? Um no, I wouldn't
draw it. My wife says, I have a nice cute dick. Yeah,
I mean it's not like whoa some girls do descrappinesses as like either cute
or ugly. There are ugly dicks. They're definitely ugly dicks. I don't
think again, wehlmed, whelmed, well, you know what I mean.
That's that's where I'm at with that. But yeah, look, you don't
want someone on a heat check, all right, because when someone gets on
a heat check, everyone gets burned. And that is the story of the
Monster Rebellion, which is what we're going to talk about today. Master Monster
Germany like Monster Cheese Eddie Munsters. Yeah, it's in Westphalia, Germany.
Uh. This has a lot of classic softcore history sort of tent poles in
it. Uh. Catholic hat, irrational self confidence, socialism not working all
the good stuff. What was the first word, Catholic haate? Oh,
Catholic hate. Yeah, Catholic he hatred of, but not Catholic guilt.
They're two different things. Yeah yeah, but this does end up becoming a
beautiful scenario where Catholics and Protestants come together to murder even crazier Protestants. Okay,
I thought you're gonna say, like vampires, maybe trolls. These people
are trolls, I think in a way. Okay. The Monster Rebellion was
a religious uprising by a group known as the Anabaptists. The Anabaptists were a
sect of Protestant Christianity. We'll get into it a little bit. The Monster
Rebellion, by the way, basically happens like right after Lutheranism starts. In
fact, Martin Luther is still alive when this is going on. So the
ninety five thess have been nailed to the door. Any Baptists were like,
hey, we don't lack it when you dunk them in the water kind of
So it's not anti Baptists, it's Anabaptists, a na Baptists. No,
I've never heard that. It's a weird sect. Some people say, I
think present day to go back to your home area. Present day Mennonites kind
of trace themselves back to Anabaptists, like the Quaker Oats. Guy, No,
Mennonites are kind of like Amish adjacent. They're like Amish, okay,
yeah, but you know how Amish have like rumspringer Is that the thing where
you can leave from rum spring break forever. Yeah, so well that's what
the Anabaptists were kind of into too. So on their face, Anabaptists seem
pretty reasonable, especially in their main belief, which is you need to get
baptized as an adult because a child can't can't make that decision for himself.
Yeah, can't consent. A child can't consent. Now, as a Catholic,
I believe a child can consent to cut in his own penis, to
everything. Yeah, you guys cut out me too, man, Yeah,
sick. I'll tell you what. You haven't lived until you've taken care of
a cut penis, a freshly cut penis. Who are the group of people
that think that children should not be circumcised because they don't they don't really have
the wherewithal to know what's going on. Oh, they protest outside of shit.
All they protest outside of like college football games a lot, right,
like they have they should have a choice. In fact, at my bachelor
party when we went to the Miszoo West Virginia game in twenty nineteen at Missoo,
there was like that they had a huge anti circumcision protest outside of the
game. And what they do is they wear all white and they put like
red on their on their crotch and they're like children can't consent to to get
and circumcised. I don't know if our recent friend, our friends, they
go around and throw buckets of blood onto people's pants. Yeah. The first
time I hooked up with my wife, she was scared because she had never
been with someone with European Yeah, it's only a North American thing, and
it's only basically like I thought. They say it's a health thing. Right,
it's easier, it gets gets cleaner and everything like that, and you
don't have to clean as much. Yeah, pretty much like you get sturdy
Americans people. Stuff gets in there, that's true. Yeah, like stuff
gets in there. It's also easier to get in there. What do you
mean if you're not right there? Going dry? It's what I've heard.
Think of all the things that get stuck in your belly button. Yeah,
now imagine that on your penis. In your penis, So like with with
little kids, like with my kids when I I don't have to really do
it mores more like when they're infants, but even after they were circumcised and
they were healed and everything like that, Like a little baby penis has more
like foreskin than it needs because like the you know, the dick hasn't really
grown or whatever, and like go in a weird way. I'm just saying,
like you have to clean. You have to like get like diaper lint
out of there and stuff they get, stuff gets in there. I once
found a roll of buffalo nickels into my belly button, So man, pulling
that out of my foreskin, that'd be weird, would be horrible. So
if you have a son and you are at the hospital, do you tell
them you want it? They're like, are uh not? Doesn't cost you
anything? Okay, it's free. It's it's like a part of it.
Or do you have to say no? Like if you don't say anything,
no, you they come and ass like are we doing circumcision? And you're
like yeah, I don't want my kid has some weird winger. Yeah,
you don't want them to not fit in weapons. If they make they call
themselves, they call it audible. They just don't ask for permission. They're
just like, sorry, we just we figured in the moment it was better
to just go ahead with it. Then you I guests stuck with it.
They can't put it back gone. Do you have legal discourse against them?
Yes? Probably, I assume wouldn't that you'd have to be religiously against it
or something. No, you go onto anything they ask if you want to
do it, you have to be affirmative to them, and I think sign
some ship for sure, and uh yeah, and then they go and do
it, and then they bring them back with a bleeding penis ship. Do
you get to eat it like the placenta? You know, the first time
I asked that, they threw me out of the hospital. You don't that.
You don't make that mistake twice? Did you eat the percenta? Did
you keep it? My wife had it made into like pills. I was
obsessed with being a cannibal without cheating, that would be the only or without
you know, it being illegal. Eating a percenta would make you a cannibal.
So even those pills, yeah, take it was like a pill.
You can't taste anything, You're still a cannibal. So your wife's a cannibal,
then my wife's can my wife is eating human? Yeah. It's supposed
to be full of stem cells, right, that's the the umbilical cord that
has it all right. I would eat it. Yeah. If someone was
like, here, I cooked my placenta, do you want a piece,
I'd be like, yeah, whatever, I'm gonna eat the percent of it's
not. There's recipes online for them. Yeah, I've watched people cook it,
like on YouTube and stuff. Why. I don't know. I just
wanted to see what a chicken fried placenta looks like. Throw some bacon on
it, tomato. I like to do it with a bacon, a good
red eyed sausage gravy. I mean, go, you go full chicken fried
placenta. That's the best way to cook a placenta in my opinion. Don't
let anyone else tell you anything else. What kind of side are you going
with? Mashed potatoes? Yeah, bashtatoes, green beans, I mean a
real diner experience. Yeah, that'd be a sweet barbecue like three best friends
all have a kid at the same time, and you have like placenta or
bacon wrap placentas for for a barbecue event. That would be a really funny
thing to feed someone without them knowing. That's fucked up, I know,
which is why it's funny. You'd make him a cannibal, like you,
yeah, you like make him a taco or something, and you're like,
what is what kind of means this? And you're like, oh, it's
a tripe or whatever trip and they're like, oh, okay, and then
they're like, I just kidding. It came out of my wife's blissy.
She shoved it out after Todd, our baby. You name your kid Todd.
That's the weirder part. Why are you naming the baby Todd? I
have a good reason to naming baby Todd. Todd means Fox, so I'm
called I'm naming him Fox Fox Fox squared. Yeah, sick. Todd's a
bad name, though Tod's a great name. Fox Fox is a better name
than Todd. Fox Fox Fox is good, Fox Fox Fox Fox like foxy
Fox sounds like a terrible Star Wars name. Fox Fox Yeah, jar jar
Anyway, So the Anabaptists were against child baptism. You had to be an
adult and like consciously be able to accept Jesus Christ into your heart. Uh.
Here's some other stuff they believed. It's from the uh Schletem confession who
the guy who wrote it, by the way, immediately executed for being a
heretic. But uh, here's some other stuff that the Anabaptists believe. One
three strikes and you're out out of the church. Yeah, so if you
send the first two times you send, you were disciplined in private, or
you were you were admonished in private, not even disciplined to somebody, They're
like, hey, fucking do that in private in private? Third time excommunicated,
done, you're out of the fucking church. You have like and by
and if you are not in the church, much like scientology, you're no
one's allowed to communicate with you, talk to anyone. Could do you foul
a couple off? Though? Uh? Yeah, two strikes you get fin
and just fouled off to you. Well, that wasn't even an original It
wasn't even an original rule in baseball, So I don't think so. They
used to be you foul, you're out. Uh that was a strike.
Oh, I'm sorry, No, it's I'm thinking of the opposite. It
used to be in baseball, like in the eighteen seventies eighteen eighties at all,
no no a foul, a foul on the second strike was do over,
but that included bunting. And so what would happen is when someone's star
pitcher start out a game or whatever, their ace Zach Wheeler's start in the
game, the first batter, the first couple of batters would just bunt and
foul off as many pitches as they could and gas the guys on. So
like it'd be the second inning and the ace would have like seventy pitches.
You put one in the ribs there, Yeah, in the fucking face.
So you're kidding me. Gotta set the tone, set a message. So
yeah, not a rule anymore. Um No, it's like I said,
no association people outside the church. Also originally no weapons, no violence,
totally pacifist. Does that means, I'm all in so far can you not
use knives to cut your food? I guess you could do that, but
no, no fighting. You couldn't own a sword or anything like that.
And then you weren't allowed to be a judge or take any oaths or anything
like, yeah, if you're you can do violence to wheat, you can't
do violence to humans. What are the benefits We're gonna get to the benefits
of joining this church. That's it. I mean, that's like, if
if you can't do all these things, what do you get to do?
Go to heaven? Can you bang? Oh? Yeah, we'll get to
that. But one of the main things I want to talk about when I
mentioned earlier, like socialism and stuff like that, everyone totally equal, no
property at like very Jesus hippie commune situation. Okay, no property, no
money, everyone's equal, men, women, race doesn't even really exist yet
in the sense that we would think it obvious, you know, to a
large extent. Obviously, if you're probably like doing gay shit, they'll they'll
burn you alive. But uh, you know, gay shild kind of as
a strikeer, yeah, a murder. Yeah, Like, do you suck
two dicks? They take you one dick's okay, they take you into the
principal's office, you get yelled at, dick three, get out. So
yeah, So the Anabaptist kind of rose in popularity. There was a German
peasant uprising in the fifteen twenties. Squash that bitch. No, that got
squashed for sure, get out of here. Penzance and the Anabaptist kind of
rose up at first. At first, a lot of the Anabaptists in the
Monster area that we're talking about specifically, they're pretty hardcore Lutherans because they thought
Catholicism sucked ass and Lutherans were giving Catholics the what for, so they were
like, hell, yeah, let's fucking go, do you ude? Yeah?
But Catholics fuck Dad, fuck dad. You say, all these different
religions, I have no idea how they operate, like Catholicism, Lutheranism,
No, I know the Big Three, right, I even kind of know
how scientology works, and Mormons. But like when you start to get to
Lutheran and all these like sub sects and all these not only do I not
lesser religions, I don't care, though, that's a great way to describe
it, lesser religion, because not only do I not know what they believe,
I don't care. I don't care. My wife gets so mad at
me, but I really am. Just like, I'm sorry, Jesus founded
our church. Your church was founded by a guy named Steve. So I
just don't fucking care. I don't fucking care. Was the rock on which
our church was built? Yeah, like you can't if you can't trace your
church back, like we're a straight line, You're like eight branches off of
that fucking straight Like it's just can't listen to it. You just stirred your
drink with your finger. Just what else do I have to use? True?
Yeah, it's what I It's what I got. So the Anabaptist is
like I said, yeah, yeah, fucking dugeon, Fuck you dad.
We like to do fuck everything. Uh. But like many a revolutionary,
the point for these people, especially their their leaders in particular, really just
their leaders. The point for these people is not change. Is not to
make the world a better place. It's just doing revolution. They just want
to like be like, yeah, fuck you man, fuck everything, we're
doing it. We're we fucking rooney, We're bringing it down, We're changing
shit. They don't really want to change anything. They just want to they
want they don't want to build things. They only want to break things.
Right, Sometimes you just gotta break stuff, Yeah, and then someone else
will come and build it. Just one of those days, Yeah, like
a chainsaw when you don't give a fuck. That's Limp Biscuit. Everybody sucks.
Not familiar with that song, Jackson, I can't imagine rob everyone through
a limp Biscuit phase. Uh No. I did think his red Yankees hat
was kind of cool. And then and this was one of the first albums
I actually got that was explicit. Hot Dog cud Water was hot dog flavored
water. Oh shit, I think it was like eight I got the second
album, Significant Other, that was my jam boy. Remember that. There
was like a time in history long enough ago that we could even do an
episode on it where it was like everyone was obsessed with rap and rock eventually
like merging into one musical genre rap rock did Yeah. Like that was like
they're like the lines between rap and rock. It was like a black and
white thing. It was just like very I just remember people talk like BT
and and and is talking about all the time. But actually Olymbiscuit has historical
significance in what way. The music video for Rolling It was at the last
one film on top of the world trade. Oh shit, it was right.
Yeah. I think a debut like right before nine to eleven. That'd
be sweet if uh in that Robert Pattinson movie where it hands out and you
realize he's in the World Trade Center. If it panned out even more and
olymp Biscuit was shooting video on top of it, if only we could retroactively
put Fred Durst at the tower as door nine to eleven, you could actually
maybe that's why they flew planes into it. Yeah, they were like this
song, this song sucks ass horrible. They didn't hate America. They hated
limp Biscuits. He's the worst thing that does ever happened to That would make
more have gone too far? Everything else no more over these lomp Biscuits.
Uh so soon though to the Anabaptist even the Lutherans were because now the Lutherans
were in charge, and they were like, well, fuck you get here
in charge now, I'm going to need another boys for that. Why just
change it up? I think there's multiple revolutionaries and multiple people that are just
causing chaos. They sound like each church needs its own, each each individual.
I didn't you know, I didn't didn't plan for that. You could
do it. Take a sip. Yeah, I'll do what I can.
I'll see what comes. Anyway, So the Lutherans were in charge now and
then have Apptists were like, all right, fuck the Lutherans too, we
just want to funck sit up. So pamphlets, pamphlets that at first announced
Catholicism from a radical Lutheran perspective, soon started to just go their complete own
route and called uh say that the Bible called for absolute equality in everything,
including distribution of wealth. So they were like, like I said, no
property, no money, we share everything equally, blah blah blah. Eventually
the Antibaptists became so numerous in Monster in particular that they were able to take
over the city government. So they actually got political power in the city of
Monster, which was it was in the Holy Roman Empire, but it was
very its own, self contained like city state. Very a lot of it
was ruled at the time by it was Catholic, and it was ruled by
the time at a by a prince slash bishop. He was both, okay,
what's the population, it's as a city, Okay, so there's a
lot of people back then thousands, there were twelve hundred, twelve hundred,
I don't know. So the population of the Holy Roman Empire in total was
twenty three million, was close fifteen thousand fifteen thousand people, prices right,
rule as I win. Okay, fifteen thousand people. One got it right.
There's one bishop prince. You just can't go over there. Yeah.
So the leaders of the Anabaptist there was Bernard Rothman, who was a former
priest who became a Lutheran pastor, Jan Mathis who was a baker from Harlem
who was like the Anabaptist like prophet basically breaking bread. Yeah, Jan Backelson.
Uh. Then there was Bernard so Rothman wrote the pamphlets. And there's
another guy, Bernard kipper Doling, who was his sugar daddy. He he
was a wool merchant who was like, yeah, your belief's rule. I
love your writing. I'll fund everything under road. What is probably what he
did, right, So he's sugar Oh yeah yeah, he's like, right
for me, take that foot for the fetish. Yeah that makes sense.
So you get a strike for that, yeah, probably I would hope.
So so nipper Doling, Bernard nipper Doling was the mayor and uh he after
they deposed like the Lutheran government, they put him in charge and uh some
other Anabaptists. He he him and him and Rothman started like spreading their beliefs
around and it was very similar to the Anabaptist beliefs. Like it was very
much like everyone's equal. Fuck the Catholic Church, Fuck luther Ins. Yeah,
fuck property everything right they have. It was three dudes anything they different,
Roman and Nipperdoling. Okay, so don't worry about the other guys will
come in. What do you say? Did they have qualities that separated them
from that church from the Anabaptist Yeah, uh, they I guess. But
they were similar enough that when the Anabaptists started going out to other cities,
because they started out in the Netherlands kind of when they and and in parts
of France, they started going out to other cities to scope shit out and
preach. And two of them, John of Leiden and Garrett Buckbinder to visited
Munster to see what was going on there, and they heard everything Rothman was
saying and they were like, whoa, these guys are sweet. They're saying
the same ship we're saying. So they got back to their boy, Yon
Mathis, who was the prophet guy, and they were like, dude,
Munster is where at that there's a bunch of Anabaptists type people here already,
Yeah, to kind of run the government a little bit, Like if you're
going to be a peasant back then, why don't you just be a traveling
hobo see the world. These guys basically were like they were traveling preachers,
that is a traveling like why would you ever want to stay in the city
as like a fucking peon, you know, when you can see the world
these guys were. They were traveling all you. That's what I'm saying,
Like, if you go back in time, it wouldn't that be your option.
It's either that, but if you would run right, you don't really
know that there's a giant world, you do? You know there's something out
in where you are in the fifteen hundreds, you're kind of know, Yeah,
you're aware. I mean, America has been discovered by that point,
so everyone's like, Okay, the world's crazy. Yeah, and then you
just kind of go somewhere, throw grenade in and then leave. Yeah.
Metaphorically I do agree, though, like why not just walk discover new land,
become a king of something, even if if there's no one else there.
Walking sucks, dude, that's invented. It does suck. Walkin's dope.
If you had like a mule or something. You have nothing else to
do back then, especially if if you were unemployed, you had no trade,
no craft. It work for somebody else. Now you know, like
a like a horse and wagon, no shocks, you're gonna be the guy
that shovels shit. Well no, yeah, and I'm gonna go walk.
I'm just gonna continue to walk and I'm probably gonna get marked by some soldiers.
You probably step on something and get an infection. Yeah, die,
so did you? So? Like the thing about walking though, and I
agree with this is like why why wouldn't you do this? Fuck? Internet's
being retarded across a lot of water. No, the longest walking route in
the world is from South Africa to somewhere in like uh Way, North Russia
or whatever it whoa. It would only take forty eight hundred hours to walk
it, which uh forty hundred divided by twenty four. Yeah, but you
stay in cities, towns, taverns. I'm just saying to go from Cape
Town, South Africa to the tip of Russia if you walked every if you
just walked every day like a normal aount of time every day, like eight
hours a day. Yeah, it would take like a year. It doesn't
take that long to walk that to walk a huge distance. It's crazy.
Like I'm saying, don't consistently do it, but I'm saying, like,
you know, kind of move. But that's saying you can do it.
You can move Like it's it's not that hard to just go trap create a
new life. Yeah, George, gone, did it. You can do
that if you want, you can do it. Now. Just go walk,
dude, just fucking go be a man of the earth. But then
you'll get ramboed, like some sheriff will come up to you and be like
the hell out of my te out your hair, hobo. But unlike Rambo,
you won't be able to do anything about it, and you'll just have
to get aid with a hose and have your genitals deloused and then kicked out
of the town. Like I feel like back then, the chances would be
equal like or worse. What to get like rubbed or murdered or killed for
your Yeah, although what are they gonna steal or animals don't have anything on
you, they'll steal you slave. Yeah, they'll just steal you. You
can either be sold or you got holes. What were like the animals that
were the most like natural animals in that area that would kill you in Germany,
just like bears maybe, but there was probably a ship ton more back
then. Yeah. Oh and wolves, wolves get killed. The wolves.
Your first day out of town, you'll be like I'm walking through the world
exploring it. Yeah. But then you just you become wolf man. You
befriend the wolves, become a part of the pack that was sick. You
just got an alpha. It's like, pretty, you do have to you
gotta punch the biggest wolf in the pack right in the nose and then he's
got to go prove it. Yeah, that's what's where you go. So
they get to Munster John of Leden and this other guy and they're like,
it's sweet here, it's awesome here. It's like the Biscuit of Cities.
Yes. And they're like, there's there's these dudes playing the sweet music on
top of a tower. You gotta get here. And uh. So they
get back to Mathis, who they who baptized them, and he's like the
big, big Anabaptist and they're like, you got to get here. This
is it. So Mathis, who, like I said, is already he's
like, I'm the big dick Anabaptist. I am the prophet. He's proclaimed
that he is. He is actually Enoch, one of the two people to
witness the Book of Revelation. So he's seen everything. He's seen the Four
Horsemen and the Mark of the b He's like, I saw I'm actually from
the Bible. And people are like, and they believe him. Yeah,
of course they do. So he did fungus. Dude, I'm imagining the
church just this little band and it's like acoustic versions of Limbiscuits. Well,
a tower does come into play here eventually, and depending on the mushrooms that
he ingested, he could probably see it into the future and listen to that
album he knew about. Yeah, and you hope that the end days would
come before it could. And you, by the way, you could tell
me what's more metal limp Biscuit doing their shit on top of the World Trade
Center or what happens on top of this tower. Okay. By the end
of the episode, so Mathis gets to Monster and is like, uh are
Yeah. They tell him that's great or whatever, and so Mathis gets there
and is declared leader of the city, and he's like this monster is actually
the new Jerusalem. It's a bold claim. Yeah, it's new Jerusalem.
And in case he didn't already know, which you definitely already know, I'm
from the Bible, which means I'm in charge of Jerusalem. I mean,
we've said crazier shit, right. Someone proclaimed Missouri is where the world started.
Mormons believe the Garden of Eden is in Jackson County, Missouri, which
which is Kansas City. Sick. That's where the facts are nothing, okay,
I mean nothing same in facts this guy is. Yeah, yeah,
this guy's earlier. Though this guy is earlier. Honestly, their facts are
worse than this guy even somehow. Uh they get there and uh, Rothman,
who's the main preacher there, immediately accepts their ship and is like,
yes, we were gonna fold in with you guys. And they start baptizing
a thousand adults that day. They go through the town they're preaching and they're
like crazy preachers, dude. They're fucking screaming and baptizing adults like you about
me baptized? Were you baptized? And they're like yeah, the baby's like
no, no, nother fucking count got about fisure right, fucking out they're
get in the water and get in the water and they're like, okay,
fuck. Waves of hysteria went through the city. People fell in the streets,
people foaming, were foaming at the mouth. Uh. People claimed that
they were having visions of the apocalypse. After the end of Baptists showed up,
like all kinds of crazy shit just starts happening immediately in the town of
Month, they started a riot from baptizing people. Yeah, I guess.
And it was over like the course of a like a couple of days.
It's just like the like religious hysteria just gripped the town. They get they
get a complete hold of the town. They've now they now fully take over
the government. And this is where things start going from like oh yeah,
they're like there's a lot of Anabaptists in the town too. This becomes a
like cult city becomes a full city run by a cult that's fucking rad,
like like the type of shit power moved, Yeah, the type of ship
that scientologists could only dream of with clearwater Florida. Yeah yeah. So Mathis
becomes the dictator of the town, basically expels all the Catholics from the city,
outlaws money, so like they've already they already don't believe in property and
all that stuff. But now they have a real like polity that they are
running where they can like institute their beliefs in a systemic way with fifteen thousand
people. Yeah, so money is outlawed. Property is outlawed. You can't
own property anymore. So if you have a house that you live in with
your family, that's not your fucking house anymore. But you can stay there.
You can stay there. Nobody's making you leave, but you can't make
other people. Not are you paying rent? Come in? You don't have
to pay rent. You know there's no money. What are you paying the
state of God? Yeah, so what is it old trade? Then?
No, there's no there's no economy. You offer a prayer. Everyady is
an exchange of the word of God. How do you eat? I don't
know how to eat. I don't fucking know how to eat. Like a
good in service you pay for in a bibo verse, so all goods were
also now held in common. People in Munster were pretty opposed to this,
especially the people that were basically force baptized like two days earlier. So people,
these crazy people run in and they're like, we did about you where
you gonna leave, And you're like all right, and then you're like,
okay, whatever. They're just crazy that baptized you whatever. And then like
two days later they're like, you don't know in your house anymore. Yeah,
you have to work for free on your farm and feed all of us.
Yeah. Agree. People were like all these people were like what the
fuck. No, So it was a bunch of guys doing a group project,
cracked out on adderall. Yeah, yeah, it seems insane in my
mind right now. It is insane. It's fucking insane. So a lot
of they're reluctant, a lot of people. Not everyone was relucant, Like
some people probably the poors were like, oh pretty great, a bit of
man. Were they using forced to make everyone follow the room? Yeah?
They So here's the thing. I thought that military weapons or anything that could
harm a fellow human not allowed. Ah, well, funny you bring that
up. So that was the original belief by the guy who wrote that thesis
or whatever that I talked about, and Mathis was a disciple of him.
But after he was executed, Mathis was like, actually, you should be
able to violently resist any oppression after religion executed. Yeah, the guy that
had the piece. Yeah, yeah, mathis was like, actually fucked that
we should be violence as fucked to anyone trying to oppress us in their Bible
is just like a part that scratched out, pretty rewritten. And you know
what is oppression. It's whatever the oppressed person says it is. Okay,
So you can use violence whenever you want. Yeah, whatever you want.
So the people who were reluctant to give up the ship they owned were assembled
told to relinquish their money or they would be killed, and then locked inside
of a church. Where did they put the money? Why do they need
the money? But I just want to know where it goes. Well,
this is like very early on. So they're taking everyone's money because money is
no longer necessary. It's illegal now they're taking all that. But so money
back then is it's not like dollar bills, right, We're talking like silver
coins and stuff like they melted down and really like statues and crosses and stuff,
or I mean, I guess the type of thing where you still have
to while money might not be allowed within your community for the time being,
you still have your goods from outside the area conquer those areas. What if
you're one of the rich people there, they give us all your money.
Yeah, these are the people that are like rich and middle class people are
like, the fuck off, dick, dude, Why the hobo can't live
in my house? He keeps touching my kids. Dude with a bunch of
diamonds he's been mining, So you're gonna take my diamonds, my whole life
diamond They're like, well, you're Jewish, so you're gonna die away.
Yeah, so don't worry. Don't worry about it, buddy. You're fucking
the diamonds are your problem. You're fucking yeah, bigger issues. Half fire,
that's a problem. Typical jew thinking about the diamonds. Light you on
fire. These weren't no coming on that. These weren't good people. Uh
uh. So they were putting the church and they're like, yeah, so
just go up all your stuff or we'll kill you. A couple hours later,
Mathis and his armed men came in, uh and they were like,
you need to comply or else. And the people in the church were like,
okay, fuck, I mean is what it is. I guess I'm
where the they make the bad men fly. They don't make anyone fly,
Mommy, make the bad man fly? Do we make the little man fly?
Now? Not to this little man? So uh mathis also uh not
everyone got away. There was a blacksmith who was like, I don't know,
man, everything you're saying sounds like bullshit, and Mathis was like,
that guy's possessed by the devil. Okay, of course, right now,
this isn't one of the few times I forget what the word is, but
the bunch of people from the Catholic Church we just get tossed out of windows.
Oh yeah, I don't know what that is either, but no,
it's okay. It's not one of this, not that, but there is
a term for that, right, well, these guys are happy times.
I forget the name, but Catholic church thrown out of window. Yeah,
it pops up. A Catholic church thrown What is this out of window?
I don't even know. There's the defenestration of progue, defenestrate out of the
window. Yeah, defenstrate that's the word. Okay, defenestrate. Oh yeah,
it happened in check. Happened a couple times. Defenestration of prague.
There you go, Yeah, this has nothing to do with that as far
as I know. So anyway, Mathis was like, oh man, this
blacksmith who's calling me out on my weird beliefs. Uh, he's possessed by
the devil for sure, and he's defiling our pure town that is nothing but
beautiful and religious. So he is a sentenced to death now. So they
took the blacksmith, put him up against the town wall. Mathis took some
early shitty form of musket uh, shot him in the stomach. Oh no,
and just let the guy bleed out reserv our dog style. Yeah.
Literally. Yeah, and then in public, like, damn, did you
get executed with his own weapon that he made? They should have made him
handcraft like an axe to cut his head off with. That would actually be
a pretty sick way to kill a blacksmith, to be quietnest, Yeah,
yeah, kill him with his own tool. So like a public display like
this is what happens if oh everyone was there to watch. Yeah, and
so you melt down the blacksmith, You turned him into a weapon, turn
him into yeah, I think that's that, and then you execute other people
with the blacksmith. Yes, So he was shot in the stomach, died
screaming and bleeding in front of the crowd, and then matthis was like see
be chill, yes, do what I obviously, Yeah, we just love
Jesus, like I tell you to love Jesus and want to fucking problem.
It take him like three days to die, dude, I don't know,
but he died. Takes a long time, and that lead a lot out
of your stomach. Yeah. Yeah, it's like the worst place to get
shot allegedly. Like it's just like, especially back in the day before there
was real medicine, Like it was time plus pain plus just overall experience.
I read something back in the day too, like if you get shot in
the stomach, you really want water. But water's like like it hurts like
a motherfucker when you drink it, but you just keep wanting it. Yeah,
it's a fucking nightmare. So after the blacksmith was shot and was just
sitting there bleeding out, everyone sung a hymn and then was told to go
home and quote meditate on any possible errand so just think about what they've done
wrong, you know, Like the guy's like like I never go home.
He's like in the background, you can still hear him, think about how
you idly sat by and watched this innocent man die. You think about what
you've done wrong, and uh, we'll just move on from there as a
community. Dude, when you this is kind of off topic a little bit,
when you were saying drinking water makes it worse. When I had to
do some shit to my pen, I had a I got cameras and blow
torch and all this stuff shoved in my pea hole because I had like a
bladder cancer scare. Oh god, And you have to drink water. Yeah,
They're like, if you don't pee like every six hours for the first
twenty four hours, it could your pea hole could get fucked up, and
yeah, get blocked. Then you have to come back. So and dude,
peeing is like the most horrible pain you could ever have. So like,
and you're looking at the cup of water and you don't want to drink
it at all, because but if you don't, you're you have to go
back, yeah and start over. So you have to slam water all day
and it hurts more than you can imagine every time you pee. Anyway,
that's what I was thinking. I probably did, yeah, because it needs
to be water, kid, they said, specifically water. I don't know
why, but that's what they said. They're a doctor. Why are they
going to operate on you the next day? Then you can't. I don't
think you have booze in your system. No, No, this was after
the operation. I would just say like, yeah, at least you maybe
feel less. That shit hurt. I didn't sleep for the whole day.
God, that's for a whole day. Like if you lay down, it
hurt, If you stood up it hurt. If you peede it hurt.
Yeah, that was I don't know, there's a long story behind that.
Sorry I bring that up, but the stomach took whole day. Yeah.
Yeah, that stomach shot reminded me of that. Oh it sounds awful.
It was a bladder cancer scare. Yeah, I got bladder cancer. It
was like the size of a dime. I started peeing blood for like a
month. Yeah, and my exit. That finally made me go to the
doctor and they were like, oh, weird, you have a little tiny
tumor. Maybe. Yeah. The guy that did it was like, I've
never seen something that small actually start bleeding. So it's kind of a miracle
because normally weird. Normally a tumor will grow in your bladder to like this
size of an orange before it'll like burst and start bleeding before you even no,
holy shit. So they're like, we're just gonna cut that out and
then burn your whole bladders. It doesn't grow anywhere else. Yeah yeah,
ah yeah, I've got to actually have it. I'll show you it later
after the show. I actually have like a scar under my peeholes, just
like Harry Potter's lightning bolt, because that's how much they tore open my peehole
Dan, just to adjust the lens on the camera. I'd like them to
show it to audience. Yeah. Yeah, we'll save it for the patreonals.
Show it on there. You're a wizard, You're a wizard, penis.
Uh. So they also had book burnings. Everything except the Bible was
burned in the cathedral square and that and all food, clothing, and supplies
were confiscated and stored in depots and guarded. Everyone was doled out things equally.
You weren't allowed to have more than anyone else, so on and so
forth, and men and women were considered totally cool progressive. Yeah, very
well. Yeah, a ton of Lutherans and the Calycs were kicked out and
then a ton of Lutherans in the city who were like middle class and up
as probably especially, were like, we need to get the fuck out of
here. Except the women. The women seem to maybe get a good deal
here. Yeah, that's an upgrade for them, right, yeah, it's
yeah, it is. And more women stick around than men. And we
will get into what happens with that in a minute. Then that's how it
becomes us genius, that genius start to take multiple wives. Boy, you
are just nailing it here real quick. Before we get back into the episode,
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partly or so, the Lutherans were like, yeah, we need to get
the fuck out of here immediately. The property of the people who left was
taken immediately and shared with everyone else, put into the storage depots or whatever.
Among those who were expelled from Monster was the city's prince, Bishop Franz
von Valdek. He was expelled by the Anabaptist, and the Anabaptist declared war
on him. Oh shit, so Franz, you can declare war on an
individual, well on yeah, whatever, because he was the ruler of money.
So so Franz got out of there and immediately, because he's both a
prince and bishop, fronts immediately arrest an army and showed right back the fuck
up to monster, and all a bunch of royals of princes and stuff around
him in the area were like, yeah, here's some money, here's some
troops, go handle business because we don't Yeah, we don't want these fucking
psycho of spreading, so deal with it. Deal with it. So he
shows back up with an army funded by other princes in the area help and
stuff like that, and he lays siege to the city and so and there
are army of women. Yeah, it's mostly chicks there, I mean,
there's been there still certainly. So. Mathis the religious leader and thus the
leader of the city, who was on a complete heat check at this point.
Once the siege is laid, he prophesied that on Easter Day, God's
judgment was going to fall upon the wicked. On Easter, the wicked being
Frands those and the people laying siege to the prince and bishop Yea, to
the to the city the monster. So h matthis was like, you know
what, not only am I Enoch the guy who like saw the Book of
Revelation, I'm also the second coming of Gideon, who was a king from
the Old Testament who was noted for leading the Jews, I think the Israelites,
maybe the Judeans, I don't remember, it doesn't matter, right,
but I like that he's taking up these lesser known characters. Yeah you not
Gideon. Yeah, he's not like, oh, I'm the second coming to
Jesus Christ, right right, right, right now. It was like this
king in the Old Testament that made you know, Manna rain from the sky
like a third time. Right, well, Gideon, what Gideon did was
he he kind of leonidised it, spartaned it, right. He took three
hundred men and won a great battle. Again. It's a far vastly superior
force, right, so famous for that some Babylonians. No, nothing that
cool. It's like a middle tier army, low tier army. To be
honest, wasn't Babylonian, Assyrian, Persian anything like that? It's something I'd
never even heard of. So Gideon did that, and so Mathis is like,
you know what, I'm Gideon too, I'm fucking Gideon, and I'm
Enoch so and and God told me that on Easter, he's gonna fucking judge
this army. So Mathis he checks, eventually, you even burn yourself.
So he he was like, I'm gonna go fight this fucking army. Oh
shit. And his followers were like, we're pretty good here by yourself.
I'm gonna bring a couple other guys, but yeah, I got this behind
the walls, like we probably have an advantage from up here. And he
was like, no, it's fine. Actually, God even also gave me
special powers where I can catch their cannonballs in the pockets of my jacket.
I mean, you don't know till you try. You don't. So Mathis
and I read. I read two different things on this. One said he
went out of the city with thirty men against the whole army. The other
said, and I want to believe this more because it's more apt that he
left with twelve men Jesus twelve disciples. Yeah, went out of the city
gates. You don't want a twelve, though, maybe go with eleven.
Someone's going to turn on you. Oh yeah, I got to keep the
Judas out of there. Well, it doesn't matter because the people who turned
on Mathis were the army. He was trying to fight, so that him
and his twelve guys fucking charged at the army or whatever. So he believed
all this shit. Oh he was one hundred percent dude. God told me,
I hope you win. I think it makes it better. Actually,
I can catch cannonballs. The fact that he believed his own hype and he
wasn't you know, he was leading these people to massacre, knowing full well
that he was a piece of shit. Yeah, he was led from the
front. Does he win? Uh? No, they were immediately captured.
They killed They got him, they captured him. What'd you say? What
do you think I'm gonna say? Killed? Oh? Well, then then
ripped him limb from limb. Oh shit, how many days later, same
day, same day, ripped him limb, ripped him apart, caught him
apart, put his head on a spike for the entire city to see,
and uh, for good measure, they martin luthered him, luthered him,
and they nailed his dick and balls to the city gates. Goddamn. Yeah,
they cut off his dick and balls. Got to think while he was
alive, otherwise, what's the point? What is the point? Right?
And they nailed them to the city gates. Dude. I feel bad for
him only because he actually believed it. He wasn't a conman. Yeah,
he was just crazy, was he? I think? But a lot of
con men do just eventually believe that they're they believe their own lives. Yeah,
I mean, ultimately you have so much success that, yeah, you
keep He believed it enough to charge an army with the old dudes exactly,
he did do that. I agree he believed it enough to do that.
So this was bittersweet news for his disciple, John of Leiden, who was
now the other twelve also get ripped in. Oh yeah, killed the ship.
I think only one dick and balls nailed to the door as far as
I know. To be fair, though, how many guys were they going
against? Thousands? An army and a fucking army? Have you told me
at three hundred? If you told me like forty dudes showed up, twelve
tried to take them on, I'm be like all right, I get that
you could. That's manageable if you do it right. Yeah, if you
kind of fight a defensive fight. Faalanks it, dude, this should be
a movie. This is so rad. Twelve dudes fucking charged. They all
believed right, they had to have. Yeah, but who do you even
root for in this situation? The believers I'm rooting for. I'm rooting for
the prince bishop personally, the property owners. Yeah yeah, I'm rooting for
the property as a property owner. I'm rooting for the property. So you're
against women, we get it. Yeah, yeah, one hundred percent.
My wife doesn't work, not allowed to by all the people who deem her
unfit for a job. Dude, Twelve men went to war against a thousand
other men for women's rights, and you're against that and died immediately. So
John Leyden became the leader of the city religiously and politically, okay, bittersweet.
His master, the person he was a disciple of, was brutally murdered.
So how does John Lyden begin his his reign of the leader of Munster.
He took twelve more men. No, he runs naked through the streets
of Munster in wild religious ecstasy. His rips off all his clothes and runs
around naked celebrated. Well, he just got on the promotion. Yeah,
hell yeah, that's what I do whenever I get a raise, just run
around the yeah, the lot. Yeah, that's why you guys haven't seen
me naked yet. It's bummer. I want to burn. Well, you
guys don't know this, but the reason I'm wearing this heart a F hat
on camera is because Ross agreed that I could have all the hard a F
I want for free. Oh wow, yeah, I paid for the stuff
that I'm Yeah, he makes me pay for this. Damn. That's that's
weird. One hundred dollars a week, whether I drink it or not.
So that's why I have to drink it. Yeah. So that's when we're
in the hat. Any any hard F case in here, it's mine?
Wow, So you could grab a case and give me one trying to resell
it currently an undercut them. That would be really funny, just create a
secondary market. Yeah. So eventually John was like, hey, do you
know how mathis was Gideon that random king from the Bible you never heard of.
Well, I'm actually King David, the King you have heard of the
best king from the Bible. I'm actually him, did you know that?
And everyone's like, it's like came at sling shot. Yeah, everyone's like,
okay, So he became an absolute monarch of the socialist paradise. That
was monster. Everyone's equal except except for him, who's above every who's the
king. Yeah. Uh. He also declared himself king of the world.
Why not at that time they when for the job you want, not even
that at that time, your own little area is your world. Well no,
he assumed that they were gonna get everything else slowly. They're just gonna
march the army though they're still there. Okay, they just killed those guys,
and I was this guy there. These people are still in the city.
It's the seat. They're gonna go to Rome. They're gonna take Rome.
They're gonna take everything according to them. He declared himself king of the
world. Immediately had someone paying his portrait. Uh. He established a royal
order and a royal court. They had. He had them make him like
a whole kingly like wardrobe and everything. Everyone was allowed to pair of clothes
two outfits except jam You guys been as he wanted, so casual and then
fancy yeah, he well he had more than that. He melted down a
bunch of gold and made it into like a scepter and a crown and stuff
like that. He made a lot of promises to his starving subjects because the
siege has been going on for a while. At this point he was like,
Hey, I know you're hungry, but salvation from the siege is coming
in the form of, like, best case scenario, we break it and
rule the world. Worst case scenario, we all go to heaven. But
how am I supposed to lead on an empty stomach? Yeah I can't,
So I had to the foods for me, right, So, as you
alluded to earlier, because men and women were equal under the Anabaptist and a
lot of people left the city. Most of the people left the city who
weren't married or in families whatever, were men, and most of the women
stuck around because they were like, got a good deal. It was actually
not that bad compared to what I was doing. Also, smaller stomachs true
easier to feed. Uh. So there were more women in Monster than men,
specifically more women than than could be married to men. So the problem
because there's one thing a woman shouldn't be it's unmarried, disgusting, and they
didn't have enough. I mean, are you gonna be twenty one and not
married? It's yeah, it's foul, it's pathetic, gross. So the
way to fix this, yeah, So John was like the only one thing
to do, and he made polygamy legal, my man, And then he
went a step further and made polygamy required. It wasn't that you could have
multiple wives. Is that you had to have multiple wives. They should do
that here. But like you either have to go into the military or you
gotta you gotta have a kid. Okay, yeah, but what if you're
the ugly guy that has no wives. You can't pull any bitches, You
get no you get no hoes because the women are disgusted by you. And
now you're in legal trouble. How is that your problem? Don't worry.
They made a lot to solve that problem, forced marriages, arranged marriages.
So yeah, carl over there, Carl over there has no game. He
can hockey puck penis, he has no real prospects, and now they're gonna
hang him for it. So John aka to the new King, David,
King of the world. He personally took sixteen wives for himself, including Mathis's
widow. Good guy, you know, yeah, grabbed her, make sure
she's okay. But to to help out any any us, any ugly guys
that had no game and he cooks and gay lords whatever, John passed another
law that said an unmarried woman must accept the first marriage proposal made to her.
Damn. So this law passes, and it's like, if you propose,
they have to marry you. So the city just became supermarket sweep.
Yes, the city literally became a supermarket fucking sweeps of women, and they're
not really equal anymore. Yeah, that equality went out the fucking window.
You're married, me, you're married. Yeah. The result in this is
that men competed to see who could acquire the most wives. Yeah. Uh.
And the whole time, there's a sea going on. The whole fucking
time, there's an army outside starving them to death, ready to fucking murder
them, and they're all just having the time of their lives. Well half
of them, well third of them, I guess, yeah, yeah,
something like yeah, who knows the ratio? I guess. Uh. There
was one woman who actually uh refused to marry the king himself, Elizabeth.
Uh wand Schurer. Big mistake. So they sent her out with twelve of
her friends. That would have been better. Oh no, John had her
beheaded in the marketplace and then allegedly danced around her body afterwards and was like
ha ha ha ha ha ha. That's what you get for not marrying me.
Was it a slow bedding quick one slice? I don't know if the
uh they used the blacksmith's body, they melted their body sword? Yeah,
the bones, the blacksmith's bone sword. It was really a saw. Yeah,
they made a sol out of all his ribs. Yeah. Took an
entire day to cut her head off. Not a good day. So after
a year of this siege, Wait, I have a question. Yeah,
could the women ask the men? No? So fuck that sucks. So
it was a game and see could a woman have multiple husbands? No,
damn, it's a one way street, because that would be cool, right,
like if you could ask any woman to marry you, even if she
already was married. Yeah, you're just like you're just like you're so hot,
Like I don't care if you're getting dicked down by saying progress is not
a speed run, it's a marathon. Yeah. Good plain, So after
a year of the siege, things in Monster were getting really fucking grim.
They're out of food, people are eating rats, possibly other people, that
was unconfirmed. H And anyone who escaped the siege, you know, like
across the Berlin Wall, tried to get over to the better side, was
just murdered by the army outside. Like they're like, yeah, fuck you,
you fucking an Baptist. But the Antibaptist tried to get innovative to break
the siege. They built an early version of a tank. Remember the movie
we watched m M with the Armored Wagon with Yeah, with a different yon.
Yeah, they built this big fucking armored wagon. They're like, we're
gonna roll this out, put some guns in it. Fuck they'll try to
run up and kill us. And and well as it was. Actually he's
one of the heroes of the Czech Republic. Yeah what dude, I forget
his last name for the movie you're watching, yan h It is a movie
that just came out with Ben Foster Ben Foster. Yeah, shit, I
forget the name of the guy and the movie. But he's like, yeah,
he's a hero of the Czech Republic. Okay, who's the old guy
in it? Who was Michael Kine in it? Michael Kaine, I don't
believe was in it. There was an old guy, old famous, accurate
who was in it for like two scenes. I forget the name though.
Anyway, So they made this version of a tank and they were dude,
they're gonna fuck this army up. It was a heavily armored wagon, do
all kinds and gnarly shit with it, with guns and pikes and stuff like
that. And it would have worked, but they had already eaten all the
horses that could have pulled it. Oh, it was just stuck in town.
What about the oxen? Yeah, everything was eaten everything. They ate
everything. What about the children? That's just miscommunication. Yeah, you built
the wagon first, I mean you can't, right, if you're working on
the wagon, you gotta have at least three Yeah, don't eat these fucking
three horses. For the love of God, if you want to eat anything
good again, don't eat these horses. After a surprisingly lengthy resistance over a
year, the city was finally taken by Franz the Bishop's army on June twenty
fifteen thirty five. John of Leiden and several other prompt in it and a
Baptist leaders were captured and imprisoned. Does he get it? Uh? What?
I hope he gets like his due, what's coming to him? Yeah,
I don't worry about that. He was found hiding in the cellar of
a house about still holding his gold. Yeah, yeah, about six months.
I don't understand. By the way, how was he in like a
little saddam spiderhull. I guess he's in a cellar, Like, I don't
understand how you don't just like take all your clothes off, put on a
potato sack, rub some dirt on your face and you're like, oh,
I'm just a farmer. I don't like, we don't know what you look
like. Girl beard, Like twenty people could be like that's the guy,
and you can just be like, I'm not the guy. Now you might
they might still not believe you, But I feel like you got a lie.
Yeah, there's no way to prove it to you except for that portrait
you had paid a whole plot point. There's no way we see dragons where
obviously she's the queen and she just in order to kind of slumt she just
dresses like as it. Yeah, somebody knows who she is he just rube
a little shit on your face? And I mean that's what Aria does too,
right, not that people would Jasmine d from Aladdin. Yeah, just
put some little rub little dirnt, You're good to go. So about six
seven months later, January twenty second, fifteen thirty six, because like in
the fifteen hundred's best case scenario, they have a sketch of you. Literally,
yeah, I mean you could do that. You could do pretty good
paintings back then. And he did have a portrait painted of him him.
No, I think he just refused to take off his fucking robes and stuff.
You know, it's fair. So they did have you get a taste
of the sweet life. It's hard to go back, Yeah, yeah,
you can. Don't let go that scepter. Dude, they did pride off
his butt, dead body. I mean, do you even want to go
back? Wouldn't you rather die? So? Uh? In January fifteen thirty
six, John and uh Nipperdoling and another guy were tortured and executed. Uh.
The way it worked was each of the three were attached to a pole
by an iron spiked collar. One by one they would be Their body would
be ripped slowly with a red hot tongues. So they would take red hot
tongues, like grab a piece of your arm and just pull it off.
Oh, grab your nip, pull it off. How are they attached to
the pole by a spiked collar. Yeah, so they were doing it one
by one, just ripping pieces of you off with red hot tongues, just
over and over again. I think sixteenth century we had a renaissance of torture.
Uh so I read that the tort this German torture inspired the Spanish Inquisition,
Like they learned their ship from the the from the Germans, which makes
a lot of so you don't bleed, right, it carterizes the moon.
Yeah longer. Yeah, ancient times we had some pretty creative ways. But
you know, Middle Ages we kind of got back to it. But I'm
saying, like early Middle Ages we kind of get you know, lazy,
and then once against the fifteen hundreds again though, we start to get,
oh, okay, we can do this, we can do that. We're
just trying things out. The worst one by far to me, the one
that the two that give me nightmares, the ancient one is they probably did
the other one in the bowl being put in the bowl and cooked alive,
and then the medieval one, the Spanish Inquisition one is, uh, they
would deep fry you, fucking Like breaking wheel sounds that of that of boiling.
The breaking wheel also sounds that would be quick. I feel like it
probably would. Actually you probably not the one you just said. Is it
sounds awful? Breaking wheels horrifying? In fact, the breaking wheel I did
an episode on this, I feel like a while back where the breaking wheel
kind of helped inspire the French Revolution, Like it was like a like a
last straw for the French where some guy who tried to murder a king,
what's King Louis the fifteenth maybe got killed on the breaking wheel in public and
people were like, this is too much? What's the breaking wheel? They
essentially, uh, they put you on a wheel, They start pulling you,
pulling you, and then they smash your fucking legs and arms, break
your legs and arms, and then keep pulling you. So you have like
have you ever had like a broken there, like the wheel you're on the
like how are you on? You're on a wheel and you're tied to it,
tied and then it like slow the side of the wheel moves, but
it's like your body breaks with it and the wheels like stretching you. Oh,
can't get That's what I thought it was. Yeah, just making sure.
So, yeah, they were. They were ripping these guys, ripping
pieces of them off, skin flash whatever with the red hot tongs. Nipper
Doling saw this happening to John. They're doing it one at a time,
and he was like, I'm out and he tried to strangle himself with the
collar. So I just tried to kill himself. He's trying to just like
he was like no, he was like, no fucking way to do it.
No, they stopped him. They were like, oh, no,
buddy, you're not You're not off that. Yeah, They're like, you're
doing all of this, dude. I've never been afraid of dying my whole
life at all, But the older I get, the more I'm afraid of,
like being in pain as I die. Yeah, tortures is the most
terrifying thing. Like the older I get it, just like, please just
die fast. I don't want to like be in pain for a year before
I die, or months or hours even hours, Like being in pain sucks.
You don't be getting tortured by the kid yea torture is like the worst
version of my biggest fear. So with like a car battery. Oh yeah,
nightmare. So uh After the burning and ripping of the flesh, they
took the hot tongs and pulled their tongues out one by one. Can't scream,
and then each of them was killed by having a red hot dagger stabbed
through their heart. That how long are they tortured? For about an hour
each? Fuck? Dude, only an hour. I've never heard of this
torture technique, to be honest. That's the first time it's in a red
hot dagger to the heart. That seems quick, but that's the end of
the hour. Yeah, Why has it got to be red hot? If
it's a I think it's symbolic more than anything. The bodies were then placed
in three iron cages and hoisted up and hung from the steeple of Saint Lambert's
Church, and their remains were left to rot as a reminder to everyone of
what happens when you rebel against the church and the state. About fifty years
later, the bones were finally removed. However, don't fuck with this.
Yeah, but he kind of religion did that time? Fifty years Catholicism.
I start passing the church every day, I expect to see those bones now
and remove those bones, like man, I lose a little piece of that
church. The iron cages still hang from the church to this day. There
they are, the lessons still right there. M hm. The bones probably
just well cag the bones would fall out of it. Yeah, but yeah,
cagous. Oh. Actually they were so well made. Uh that that's
they got. It got taken down a little bit during World War two because
they were getting bombed a bunch. And when World War two was over and
uh, they were repairing the cathedral, the cathedral got bombed. The people
were pairing the cathedral when they were rehanging the cages because they were like,
should we rehanng them or not? And the church was like yeah, but
back up, uh yeah, less this lesson they learned. Yeah. The
the dudes who were like arch not architects, but like builders and you know
craftsmen, who were like looking at the cages, they were like these some
damn good cages. Yeah, these are like survided bombing. Yeah, shouldn't
killed the blacksmith. Yeah, I know, right, he probably made those
cages. I hope his son made those cages. This retribute. Yeah,
yeah, uh that is all I got for today. Who's today's Hitler?
That was fucked by the way, this is how all your shows are,
like, do you always look for the most fucked up ship? Rob tries
to do a left turn, but there was no turn. It was just
a straight shot here. I think the the army is the hitler. The
army. I think it's the fucking dude that took over the town. The
second guy, the second leader. Yeah, yeah, first leader. I
believed him. I believe him. I believe he just believed poorly and King
David here. So Gideon, good guy, Gideon aka matthis good guy,
I would say, John, good guy. Yeah, he just got it
wrong, but he believed in what he was saying. Perhaps maybe who knows
a lot of untreated mental illness in the fifteen hundreds. Yeah, certainly the
guy hiding in the in the cellar with his scepters the is my hitler.
Yeah. Also if they were exposed to sometime the drug or like mushroom fungus.
So there was there is a theory that ergot played a role here,
much like it did in the Salem witch trials. So homie probably had no
idea what was happening, but that's it's an un so it might have been
on mushrooms. So Ergot is I don't know if you know this, So
the Salem witch trials, this is like almost pretty much confirmed. It's like
mushroom. No, it's LSD. Ergot is a fungus, a mold mold
that grows on corn, right, like kind of older corn corn that's been
left out a little too long. Yeah, that's like LSD base it makes
you tripball. Okay, that would make way more sense than mushrooms because mushrooms
just make you feel yeah yeah, yeah, But if you're loosening off LSD
and everybody is at the same time, right, and that is they're they're
positive that ERGOT was kind of rampant in Salem during the witch trials from just
like corn stores and stuff like that. There's a theory that ERGOT might have
played a role here too. They didn't have like corn corn here though,
I don't think the Americans had only been discovered sixty no thirty years before,
was uniquely American. It is yeah, really yep, huh. I've heard
this Salem theory before. But they're proved. It's been proven now or almost
proven. They're they're pretty sure. They feel very confident. I don't think
it. I don't know if it can be like proven proved, but they're
pretty confident. It all makes sense then though that the obviously we're witches.
They also believe the Revelations was written as John was like hallucinating on or got
No, his was some kind of weird mushroom. I thought it was sure,
yeah, yeah, or something like that. So they focus is right,
it got some mold. What's the difference between a fungus and a mold.
I guess there is a difference. Someone would have to explain to me
because I could I cannot articulate to you. Okay, I don't know.
I thought there's the oldest like bacteria generated and fungus comes from old kills bacteria.
Because penicillin's mold. Okay, So first the first anti antibiotic or whatever
was was penicillin, and that was like found Joe. He said that so
confidently. I thought it. Yeah, he's trying to learn from from Rob.
Yeah that's true. Uh No, that ergot. All I know about
ergot it's a it's chemical composition, is k two. Uh dash, I
think c Underscore five something. But yeah, it's it's that's all. I
know what I got. That's a good name, Ergot. Do you guys
believe that because I've made that up? Yeah? I know. Okay,
you can see his face. He dunk. He had a half smirk listening
to you. Ergot Fox would be a good name for he a son.
That's essentially what his kids are. Uh what'd you guys learn today? One
wife's enough for me. Wouldn't it be sweet? Though? If you could
run up to the hottest girl in town, like you hear the law and
you're like a pretty fast runner and there's like eight dudes running you run up
to the hottest chicken monster and you're like, will you marry me? I
think just a little posty note that says DIBs. Yeah, it's kind of
basically you do. And they were doing that. They were running around being
like her her, that's nuts. I'll stick with one wife. Yeah,
that's what I learned. Seriously, I'd probably avoid the fifteen hundreds just if
I had to go back in time. Europe in the fifteen hundreds not a
great time. It seems like it sucks. I'd go to Salem, though,
that's go back hundred years later from this, I think, because then
you could be But if you knowing what you know now and you could go,
then you could just get be getting fucked up. Like I'd rather live
in Germany five hundred years earlier, in for thirteen eighty, five hundred years
earlier. Oh, five hundred years earlier. I'm sorry, you'd rather live
in a thousand? But is that like fighting the goals? Nah? No,
it's like high to the Holy Roman Empire. Seems more chill, but
it's everyone's Catholic. No one's getting too weird. Exactly, dude, yeah,
exactly. People. What'd you learn today? That's what I learned is
one wife? Yeah, yeah, that's that's all I've learned. Well,
because I wasn't paying attention for most of it, It's fine. That's all
I got to follow up sometimes. All I got for today. Boys,
Thank you so much for listening. As always, subscribe to our Patreon Patreon
dot com slash softcore History, and please like and leave a review. Lee
leave reviews on Apple, especially the written reviews that helps us rise up the
charts and stuff like that. That's all I got for Dan, Regester and
Joel hodge Brenner. Joel, thanks for joining us, Thanks for having me.
Rough f where gonna people find you? Oh yeah, oh I don't
know. I don't care at the video yeah a trailer. Yeah, oh
I guess I should. I would do a show with Jesse crime Corner.
Oh yea yeah, yeah, quarter we'll put that holy ship. Yeah,
you do a show, Jesse Wiseman Crime Corn will put that in the fucking
bio and everything. Yeah that works for me. Yeah, give give our
fucking guests some love here. I don't know. I'm not good at promoting
myself. I'm so tired. Yeah, I'm too embarrassed to the episode to
go. Buddy, Well, I don't have to lead it, so I'll
be happy. I'll just get to lob grenades. Just sorry for having me.
What I should say, yeah, sorry for having me. Thank you
for happy to have here. But yeah, for Dan Or Jester and Joel
hodge Brenner, Ben Benner, you're like Ross Now, there was never an
R, never an R Benner. Yeah, I said it right the first
time. Mendela's effect right there to a different universe. Yeah, yeah,
just a different universe. You guys are We're all right in different ways.
Yeah, I'm rough Fox. You guys saw served