WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.320 --> 00:00:06.599 You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand KFI AM six forty. You've 2 00:00:06.599 --> 00:00:09.640 got doctor Wendy Walsh with you this He is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. 3 00:00:09.720 --> 00:00:12.640 I am taking your calls. The numbers one, eight hundred and five to 4 00:00:12.960 --> 00:00:17.039 zero, one, five, three four. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. 5 00:00:17.079 --> 00:00:20.559 I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three books on relationships. I've 6 00:00:20.600 --> 00:00:24.559 had a lot of life experience and I'm obsessed with the science of love. 7 00:00:25.039 --> 00:00:27.679 Okay, Producer, Kayla, who do we got? We have Brian with 8 00:00:27.679 --> 00:00:32.600 a question. Brian. Hello, Brian, it's doctor Wendy. Good evening, 9 00:00:32.799 --> 00:00:37.359 miss doctor Wendy. I'm listener. I'm not a first time caller. 10 00:00:37.560 --> 00:00:43.280 Thank you. I like to say congratulations. Idea here the show last week, 11 00:00:43.840 --> 00:00:48.240 and I believe that it not only caught your Julio off gar, but 12 00:00:48.280 --> 00:00:53.280 I believe that he would have done it sooner. But I just think, 13 00:00:53.439 --> 00:00:57.159 in my opinion as a man, first of all, thank you for accepting 14 00:00:57.240 --> 00:01:03.640 him as he is, for his past or any other futuristic ordeals that you 15 00:01:03.679 --> 00:01:07.239 guys have had triumphant to go through. You know, we all have something, 16 00:01:07.560 --> 00:01:14.159 we all have something and intimacy is about being open, honest and authentic, 17 00:01:15.200 --> 00:01:17.840 and you caught him off guard. I think he would have done it 18 00:01:17.879 --> 00:01:22.680 sooner, but I think because of his situation, he was thinking, maybe 19 00:01:22.719 --> 00:01:26.760 you might've going to have cold feet, and he didn't want the rejection exactly. 20 00:01:26.120 --> 00:01:30.200 You got it, You got it exactly. He was waiting for me 21 00:01:30.319 --> 00:01:33.159 to make the move and let him know that he is worthy of love, 22 00:01:33.280 --> 00:01:36.400 which I did it in a big way. It was fun. It was 23 00:01:36.439 --> 00:01:38.760 a wonderful show. It was a wonderful show. I heard it. And 24 00:01:38.799 --> 00:01:41.480 do you have a question, Ryan, Yes, yes I do. My 25 00:01:41.599 --> 00:01:48.200 question is this been in a very good relationship over the past two two and 26 00:01:48.239 --> 00:01:53.680 a half years, no kids involved. I'm older between I guess twelve fifteen 27 00:01:53.760 --> 00:02:00.239 years depending on you know, when they're not flugging their age. It is 28 00:02:00.319 --> 00:02:07.760 true. But what is a woman telling the guy when she says I think 29 00:02:07.799 --> 00:02:12.439 we should take a break, you believe they'd find we're going good? And 30 00:02:12.919 --> 00:02:17.800 what is is there any obligation to a guy that can't say you know why 31 00:02:17.960 --> 00:02:20.840 or what for? And she just said, well, I just feel that 32 00:02:20.879 --> 00:02:23.240 we need a break. Maybe you need some time of part you know, 33 00:02:23.319 --> 00:02:27.439 see if this is what I really want long term? Is there an obligation 34 00:02:27.759 --> 00:02:31.599 to either side when one side the female and it could come from a male 35 00:02:31.639 --> 00:02:36.159 as well. When they say I think we should take a break, okay, 36 00:02:36.199 --> 00:02:39.080 so let me tell you what I think we should take a break means. 37 00:02:39.199 --> 00:02:43.759 It means I want to test out the mating marketplace to see if I 38 00:02:43.800 --> 00:02:46.120 can get anything better. And if I can't, I'm going to come back 39 00:02:46.120 --> 00:02:49.840 to you. And I promise you there's no such thing as taking a break. 40 00:02:50.439 --> 00:02:52.800 You need to say, well, that means we're breaking up and you 41 00:02:52.840 --> 00:02:55.639 need to grieve and you have to move on. I'm so sorry, Brian, 42 00:02:55.840 --> 00:03:00.759 but that's what a break means. They might not even realize, but 43 00:03:00.800 --> 00:03:04.280 that's what it means. They want to keep you there as their backup mate 44 00:03:04.680 --> 00:03:08.319 while they're out there shopping. And so as soon as somebody says I think 45 00:03:08.360 --> 00:03:12.240 we need to take a break, you need to say, well, I 46 00:03:12.240 --> 00:03:15.120 think we need to break up. You're either in it or you're not. 47 00:03:15.560 --> 00:03:19.120 And I need you. I need you, Brian, to be firm and 48 00:03:19.199 --> 00:03:24.080 have boundaries. Don't let her manipulate you. I'm so sorry to deliver that 49 00:03:24.159 --> 00:03:29.159 news, but that's what a break is. Oh breaks my heart. All 50 00:03:29.240 --> 00:03:31.000 right, producer, Kayla, who we got Now, I'll have Joey with 51 00:03:31.039 --> 00:03:36.080 a question. Okay. Oh, I loved Brian so much it broke my 52 00:03:36.120 --> 00:03:40.000 heart to deliver that news. Hi, Joey, it's doctor Wendy, Doctor 53 00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:43.080 Wendy. Good evening. I'm a big fan. I know you hear that 54 00:03:43.159 --> 00:03:46.479 a lot. No, but it's nice. Thank you. Yeah, You're 55 00:03:46.520 --> 00:03:52.199 very welcome. So I was married for nineteen years. I dated my ex 56 00:03:52.240 --> 00:03:55.680 wife for eight years, and I'm I'm forty nine, so obviously just twenty 57 00:03:55.680 --> 00:03:59.599 seven years of your life. I did that math. Okay, yes, 58 00:03:59.639 --> 00:04:05.479 ma'am. And so I divorced in twenty twenty one and very broken up about 59 00:04:05.520 --> 00:04:12.919 it. I got back into the dating game and I met someone through a 60 00:04:13.000 --> 00:04:18.240 dating app. We had we had three just incredible dates. I mean it 61 00:04:18.720 --> 00:04:24.279 almost felt like lightning struck twice. We just we had so much in common. 62 00:04:25.079 --> 00:04:30.079 We were great together. And now I think I fell victim to this 63 00:04:30.120 --> 00:04:36.319 whole ghosting phenomenon. Oh and I'm trying to figure out why. A part 64 00:04:36.319 --> 00:04:40.160 of me is thinking, well, it was only three dates, what's the 65 00:04:40.160 --> 00:04:42.360 big deal. But a part of that, well, because you were in 66 00:04:42.360 --> 00:04:45.079 love with home, I've broken up all over. Yeah, of course, 67 00:04:45.120 --> 00:04:47.759 and to have no information first of all, being ghosted. I've even been 68 00:04:47.800 --> 00:04:51.959 ghosted in my life, Joey. It is so painful because you're thinking, 69 00:04:53.000 --> 00:04:57.079 like what did I say? What did I do? And you reach out 70 00:04:57.079 --> 00:04:59.959 to the person, you text, you call, and they get nothing bad 71 00:05:00.199 --> 00:05:04.199 and you're like did they die? Like what happened? Right? So I 72 00:05:04.279 --> 00:05:10.040 want you to know that you did absolutely nothing wrong. Here's what ghosting is. 73 00:05:10.639 --> 00:05:15.720 It's somebody who doesn't have enough emotional intelligence to be able to tell you 74 00:05:15.959 --> 00:05:18.959 the truth. Now, the truth can involve all kinds of things, like 75 00:05:19.439 --> 00:05:24.519 she actually has another relationship and she was testing out the mating marketplace, or 76 00:05:25.759 --> 00:05:28.480 she you know, doesn't really like you as much as you like her, 77 00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:32.240 whatever doesn't matter. There is some more information about her life that you're not 78 00:05:32.399 --> 00:05:38.160 privy to. But this is not your problem. It's her problem. And 79 00:05:38.199 --> 00:05:41.120 the only time I find ghosts. So we have to allow ourselves to grieve. 80 00:05:41.199 --> 00:05:43.879 Right, take some time to go you know what I didn't I didn't 81 00:05:43.920 --> 00:05:46.920 do anything wrong. I'm a good person, like screw that, right, 82 00:05:46.240 --> 00:05:51.519 Spend some time grieving, and then understand that you have to stop thinking about 83 00:05:51.519 --> 00:05:55.439 her, because if you continue to pine away for her, and I know 84 00:05:55.480 --> 00:05:57.600 it's reasons, so don't do it yet. But when you if you continue 85 00:05:57.639 --> 00:06:00.600 to be like, well, why if I could just talk to her and 86 00:06:00.600 --> 00:06:04.519 find out how or why, then you're going into anxious attachment area right where 87 00:06:04.560 --> 00:06:10.360 you're starting to She's just an object. A therapist would say that she's an 88 00:06:10.439 --> 00:06:15.240 object for your anxious attachment style. You've picked this little object for you to 89 00:06:15.240 --> 00:06:20.279 play with, so I think you deserve to grieve. It was a rude 90 00:06:20.360 --> 00:06:27.240 thing for her to do. But she does not have the emotional intelligence to 91 00:06:27.439 --> 00:06:34.279 have an intimate relationship with you. So you were saved. You were saved 92 00:06:34.600 --> 00:06:40.319 from a worse thing that would happen down the road because of her inability to 93 00:06:40.319 --> 00:06:43.759 be honest? What does it take to even you don't even have to call 94 00:06:43.800 --> 00:06:46.319 them, to text somebody and say, hey, you know, thank you 95 00:06:46.360 --> 00:06:48.120 for those three dates. It was a pleasure going to I don't have the 96 00:06:48.160 --> 00:06:50.439 same feelings as you do. I'm going to move on. What does it 97 00:06:50.480 --> 00:06:56.199 take? Why can't we be honest? Or maybe hey, I'm actually married 98 00:06:56.240 --> 00:06:58.519 and I just thought i'd maybe have an affair, but now I don't think 99 00:06:58.519 --> 00:07:00.519 I should do it. Whenever I know what her truth is. We don't 100 00:07:00.519 --> 00:07:05.720 know and it doesn't matter. But what I know is that you are saved 101 00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:10.560 from a whole lot of heartbreak, so you should be doing the touchdown cheer. 102 00:07:11.319 --> 00:07:14.199 I'm sorry it happened to you, Joey, and it happens to everybody, 103 00:07:15.079 --> 00:07:16.839 but thank you for calling. All right, producer Kaylea. Let me 104 00:07:16.839 --> 00:07:23.639 go to social media because I've been neglecting, as this person writes into Instagram, 105 00:07:23.720 --> 00:07:26.879 Hey, doctor Wendy, how do you can't handle the questions about body 106 00:07:26.920 --> 00:07:30.519 count? For those who don't know, body count means, you know, 107 00:07:30.560 --> 00:07:34.879 men who hold the sexual double standard in their mind get concerned if women have 108 00:07:34.959 --> 00:07:38.720 had more sexual partners with them. They call that the body count. How 109 00:07:38.759 --> 00:07:42.600 many bodies she's been with? This person writes, I've been struggling with it 110 00:07:42.639 --> 00:07:45.480 because it feels like such a double standard for women to be questioned and look 111 00:07:45.560 --> 00:07:48.120 down on. I want to be free about my sexuality and not free and 112 00:07:48.360 --> 00:07:51.439 not feel like I shouldn't do something just because of how outwardly it feels. 113 00:07:51.600 --> 00:07:57.959 Any advice or opinions on how to address this question, Okay, So as 114 00:07:58.000 --> 00:08:01.600 soon as the question comes up, like how many people you've been with or 115 00:08:01.600 --> 00:08:07.560 whatever. Your response should be, Oh, so it sounds like someone told 116 00:08:07.600 --> 00:08:13.519 you there's a sexual double standard. I'm wondering you'd like open up the conversation 117 00:08:13.560 --> 00:08:18.519 about sexuality. I'm wondering what your belief system is about sexuality. And if 118 00:08:18.519 --> 00:08:20.079 they say, well, you know, I think men, you know, 119 00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:22.360 men can do what they want, but women you have to be good, 120 00:08:22.600 --> 00:08:28.600 then you say, well, it's really interesting because mathematically it doesn't work out 121 00:08:28.079 --> 00:08:33.279 because you would assume if men are having lots of sex and most of the 122 00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:39.039 good marriageable my fingers are making quotations marriageable women are having little sex and waiting 123 00:08:39.200 --> 00:08:43.159 for the perfect one, then there must be a small population of very randy 124 00:08:43.240 --> 00:08:50.080 women who are servicing the entire male sex. And so mathematically, I will 125 00:08:50.120 --> 00:08:56.480 tell you that peers are having sex with peers at the same rate across the 126 00:08:56.519 --> 00:09:00.799 lifespan. Okay, there are going to be some people well that just have 127 00:09:00.919 --> 00:09:01.919 very little sex. There's some people are going to have a lot of sex 128 00:09:01.960 --> 00:09:07.879 and lots of things in between. And so I think when someone asks about 129 00:09:07.919 --> 00:09:13.399 body count, that's your opening to have the discussion about the sexual double standard 130 00:09:13.440 --> 00:09:18.360 and their belief system. And you may find that you do not like their 131 00:09:18.360 --> 00:09:22.320 belief system, and you may move along. Okay, you can get rid 132 00:09:22.360 --> 00:09:24.320 of them if you don't agree with their belief system, but you don't have 133 00:09:24.399 --> 00:09:26.159 to answer it, and you don't have to be coy and go. Well, 134 00:09:26.399 --> 00:09:30.879 you tell me how many you men there who cares talk about why? 135 00:09:30.879 --> 00:09:35.200 It matters? The why is much more important. Thank you for that question. 136 00:09:35.639 --> 00:09:37.720 All right. I will continue to take your social media questions next week 137 00:09:39.039 --> 00:09:43.279 and you can write them in on my social media. The handle everywhere is 138 00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:46.759 at doctor Wendy Walsh at dr Wendy Walsh on TikTok and Instagram and where else 139 00:09:46.759 --> 00:09:52.360 do you check? Kayla YouTube sometimes all over the place. When we come 140 00:09:52.440 --> 00:09:58.120 back, how to use the butterfly effect to improve your relationship. If you 141 00:09:58.120 --> 00:10:01.559 don't know what the butterfl fly effect is, you might want to brush up 142 00:10:01.559 --> 00:10:03.759 on your chaos theory. I'll explain. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls 143 00:10:03.799 --> 00:10:07.639 Show on KFI AM six forty, but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 144 00:10:09.200 --> 00:10:15.960 You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand AFI AM six forty. You 145 00:10:15.960 --> 00:10:18.120 have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show. 146 00:10:18.559 --> 00:10:22.120 Do you know what the butterfly effect is? Had you ever heard of it? 147 00:10:22.200 --> 00:10:24.679 Kayla? The butterfly effect? Oh yes, it was an Ashton Kutcher 148 00:10:24.720 --> 00:10:28.279 movie. Oh oh that's how you know about it? Well, yeah, 149 00:10:28.279 --> 00:10:31.200 I was going to talk about. Edward Lawrence coined the term for the butterfly 150 00:10:31.240 --> 00:10:35.600 effect and the chaos theory derived from a metaphorical example in which the details of 151 00:10:35.600 --> 00:10:39.440 a tornado are influenced by the minor returbance of the flapping wings of a distant 152 00:10:39.440 --> 00:10:45.720 butterfly. You got to sciencey on the cut your type of bray. So 153 00:10:45.879 --> 00:10:50.919 basically, what the butterfly effect is. It means that even the smallest, 154 00:10:52.600 --> 00:10:58.639 tiniest little thing, a very small change in one state can be associated I 155 00:10:58.639 --> 00:11:05.440 don't mean states like California, and I mean in one thing can be associated 156 00:11:05.480 --> 00:11:09.960 with large differences in a later stage. Right, So you know, the 157 00:11:09.960 --> 00:11:15.200 theory of the butterfly effect is you could technically say that something as small as 158 00:11:15.240 --> 00:11:20.600 the flapping of the wings of a butterfly could cause a ripple effect in vibrations 159 00:11:20.639 --> 00:11:26.240 and weather and blah blah blah that could eventually cause a tornado in our relationships. 160 00:11:26.440 --> 00:11:33.679 I believe the butterfly effect means relationships are all about the small stuff, 161 00:11:33.480 --> 00:11:39.480 not the big stuff. We spend so much time thinking about the big stuff, 162 00:11:39.080 --> 00:11:43.240 but it is the tiny, little moment. My other favorite saying is 163 00:11:43.279 --> 00:11:48.279 the devil's in the details, right, not in that you think you're making 164 00:11:48.279 --> 00:11:54.639 this decision. Should we get married or not, should we have kids or 165 00:11:54.759 --> 00:11:58.399 another one or not, should we buy a house or not? This is 166 00:11:58.399 --> 00:12:05.320 the large that's the culmination of all the small things. The small things can 167 00:12:05.360 --> 00:12:09.879 be something as simple as when your mate comes home from a day of work, 168 00:12:09.679 --> 00:12:13.919 not going to the front door to greet them. You know, I 169 00:12:13.960 --> 00:12:18.440 have a pet peeve about that, right. I believe healthy relationships means that 170 00:12:18.519 --> 00:12:20.919 when somebody comes in from their day, they should be greeted by the person 171 00:12:20.919 --> 00:12:24.679 who loves them. What does it take to get your butt out of your 172 00:12:24.720 --> 00:12:28.360 chair and go hi, honey, I'm glad you're home. Give him a 173 00:12:28.399 --> 00:12:31.000 hug if I'm snugging up on the couch. Can I just say it when 174 00:12:31.000 --> 00:12:33.639 he walks in the door. No, you get up and you show him 175 00:12:33.720 --> 00:12:39.000 you have sacrificed hmmm, uh huh. It's just a simple thing. It 176 00:12:39.080 --> 00:12:41.919 makes him feel special, and you know where I learned this. I learned 177 00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:46.399 this through parenthood. I would come home from my hard day at work and 178 00:12:46.440 --> 00:12:50.279 there would be a three year old who would come running to me with her 179 00:12:50.399 --> 00:12:56.080 arms in the air, screaming mummy, and it felt so good to come 180 00:12:56.120 --> 00:13:00.440 home. And I thought, I'm gonna try that with a boyfriend. Honey, 181 00:13:01.679 --> 00:13:05.559 Okay. So it could be as simple as that. Maybe somebody comes 182 00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:09.600 in from their bad day and you're off snuggle up on your couch. You 183 00:13:09.600 --> 00:13:13.360 don't even look up from the Crown. Oh my gosh, the Crown. 184 00:13:13.440 --> 00:13:16.639 I'm so addicted to that show. I think about the point where Prince William 185 00:13:16.679 --> 00:13:18.960 is now a teenager and he's becoming a heart throb. Diana's already dead. 186 00:13:20.279 --> 00:13:22.919 It's like, but I lived through it once and may follow it all the 187 00:13:22.960 --> 00:13:26.480 news, so it's kind of fun to see anyway. So here are the 188 00:13:26.519 --> 00:13:31.159 couple concepts about the butterfly effect in our relationships. First of all, your 189 00:13:31.159 --> 00:13:39.279 emotions echo back happiness to yourself. So if you perform small acts of kindness 190 00:13:39.559 --> 00:13:43.759 and appreciation. I always talk about gratitude, kindness, and appreciation in your 191 00:13:43.759 --> 00:13:50.360 relationship, that can create positive ripples, and those positive ripples actually create overall 192 00:13:50.519 --> 00:13:56.399 relationship satisfaction, well being if you sincerely say thank you, Like I notice 193 00:13:56.399 --> 00:14:00.879 one thing about Julio and I maybe because his mom's oh't no raised him so 194 00:14:00.919 --> 00:14:05.039 well. He's very polite. So if I hand him a tool because he's 195 00:14:05.039 --> 00:14:07.320 fixing something for me, he'll say, thanks, honey, thanks. We 196 00:14:07.320 --> 00:14:11.279 always say please, please, could you have please? Can you thank you? 197 00:14:11.399 --> 00:14:15.480 Whatever? And we appreciate each other. We use good manners with each 198 00:14:15.480 --> 00:14:20.639 other, and that creates a nurturing tone. Right. On the other hand, 199 00:14:20.720 --> 00:14:24.840 you start neglecting these small gestures. You don't know it, but bit 200 00:14:24.919 --> 00:14:33.159 by bit your relationship gets eroded. Feelings of resentment start to grow. Right, 201 00:14:33.000 --> 00:14:39.679 and the other part of the butterfly effect is communication and how communication can 202 00:14:39.720 --> 00:14:46.279 cause a huge ripple effect. Right, misinterpreted comments, silence that someone's supposed 203 00:14:46.320 --> 00:14:50.440 to read your mind. Right, you think this is just a small lapse, 204 00:14:50.919 --> 00:14:56.840 but it can trigger a chain reaction of misunderstandings, people creating stories in 205 00:14:56.879 --> 00:15:00.399 their head about what's really going on, and before you know what, those 206 00:15:00.399 --> 00:15:03.919 butterfly wings are creating a tornado in your relationship. Here's a simple example. 207 00:15:05.279 --> 00:15:11.120 Let's say a couple's planning a vacation Now, a healthy couple might suggest that 208 00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:13.879 you have a thorough discussion of the pros and cons of where you're going to 209 00:15:13.960 --> 00:15:18.159 go, how much you're going to spend another the partner comes home and goes, 210 00:15:18.200 --> 00:15:20.320 hey, I booked a vacation, We're going here. Uh huh, 211 00:15:20.600 --> 00:15:26.000 without consulting the other and just expecting the other person to be happy. See, 212 00:15:26.000 --> 00:15:30.679 this decision creates a ripple effect. Somebody feels unheard, maybe resentful, 213 00:15:30.919 --> 00:15:33.279 starts to lead to some tensions in the relationship, and that builds up for 214 00:15:33.320 --> 00:15:37.440 the next thing. Right. So it might be a small decision, but 215 00:15:39.159 --> 00:15:45.960 it can affect trust, mutual understanding, and be a negative butterfly effect. 216 00:15:46.480 --> 00:15:48.759 So we need to think about the small things, the tiny things all day 217 00:15:48.759 --> 00:15:54.000 long. What can you do to create a happy butterfly that won't make tornadoes? 218 00:15:54.519 --> 00:15:56.840 Hey, when we come back, I've got a special guest. She's 219 00:15:56.879 --> 00:16:00.440 a high profile matchmaker. Yeah, those people who are too cool and rich 220 00:16:00.480 --> 00:16:03.759 to go on dating apps, she fights them. Mates. Also, she's 221 00:16:03.759 --> 00:16:08.759 going to talk to us about how AI is getting involved in our dating life. 222 00:16:08.759 --> 00:16:11.919 You won't believe what she is to say. You're listening to The Doctor 223 00:16:11.960 --> 00:16:15.200 Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We lab everywhere on the iHeartRadio 224 00:16:15.200 --> 00:16:21.519 app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to 225 00:16:21.559 --> 00:16:25.960 the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the 226 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:30.200 iHeartRadio App. I have a very special guest joining us now, and it's 227 00:16:30.200 --> 00:16:33.799 perfect that you're here in the studio because we're a week after Are Worthy of 228 00:16:33.879 --> 00:16:37.360 Love Special. Carmelia Ray is a I like to call you a matchmaker with 229 00:16:37.399 --> 00:16:41.799 the mostest based in Toronto, but here you are in Los Angeles. Yes, 230 00:16:42.120 --> 00:16:48.440 every time I come to La Wendy is one of the first people I 231 00:16:48.600 --> 00:16:51.360 call and I say, Wendy, I want to see you. It's been 232 00:16:52.240 --> 00:16:56.919 decade that we've been in each other's circle. So thank you, and I'm 233 00:16:56.960 --> 00:17:02.120 glad to be here instead of cold Canada. Yeah the time of year. 234 00:17:02.320 --> 00:17:04.319 Yeah. Before we get into the interview, let tell people where they can 235 00:17:04.359 --> 00:17:11.079 find you online. You can find me at Carmeliarray dot com and luckily every 236 00:17:11.079 --> 00:17:15.359 single social media handle I have at Carmeli array c A R M E l 237 00:17:15.359 --> 00:17:18.160 I A r A Y. So that's how you can find me. So 238 00:17:18.200 --> 00:17:22.039 you've been a matchmaker for quite some time. Who would you tell me is 239 00:17:22.079 --> 00:17:25.880 your typical client? Because you know, people can just go to a dating 240 00:17:25.920 --> 00:17:29.640 app nowadays, Carmelia, why do they come to you? They can go 241 00:17:29.720 --> 00:17:33.839 to a dating app. And frankly, many of my clients are still online. 242 00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:38.079 Because I believe in diversifying your portfolio, they come to me. My 243 00:17:38.160 --> 00:17:48.119 typical client are single, successful, relationship minded entrepreneurs. So these are not 244 00:17:48.119 --> 00:17:52.279 not that a nine to five are necessarily or corporate, But I just seem 245 00:17:52.359 --> 00:17:59.440 to attract a lot of laptop nomads, men and women who have multiple places 246 00:17:59.440 --> 00:18:03.519 they can live in, work in different cities, and they're like they're not 247 00:18:03.640 --> 00:18:07.640 bound by geography, like they believe that their person is exceptional and they are 248 00:18:07.680 --> 00:18:11.920 not necessarily in the three zero five or eight one eight area code. That 249 00:18:11.039 --> 00:18:17.200 they're very open to finding love wherever it, wherever we find it or shows 250 00:18:17.240 --> 00:18:19.440 up. Actually, is there a particular breakdown between men and women that you 251 00:18:19.519 --> 00:18:26.319 represent. I am working with a lot more men these days. I have 252 00:18:26.519 --> 00:18:33.000 worked with many many women, and I'm finding that with men, they're they're 253 00:18:33.079 --> 00:18:37.279 very specific, they know what they're looking for, and when it comes to 254 00:18:37.319 --> 00:18:44.359 the financial investment, they understand that you know, finding a partner is an 255 00:18:44.359 --> 00:18:51.200 investment, and they already are you know, investing in mentors and chefs and 256 00:18:51.279 --> 00:18:53.119 drivers that they know the value of time. And that's the reason why. 257 00:18:53.880 --> 00:18:56.759 And I want to say I prefer to work with men, but I'm attracting 258 00:18:56.839 --> 00:19:00.759 a lot of single, successful men that I don't want to waste time. 259 00:19:00.119 --> 00:19:04.200 And why would they come to you when they could swipe and swipe and swipe 260 00:19:04.200 --> 00:19:07.279 on a dating up if they're very specific about what they're looking for. Well, 261 00:19:07.319 --> 00:19:11.759 the fact is they're not swiping, or they don't want to swipe, 262 00:19:11.440 --> 00:19:17.480 and they'd rather have someone do an introduction to the introduction. Yeah. One 263 00:19:17.519 --> 00:19:21.759 of my clients, a female client, Jess, got engaged. She lives 264 00:19:21.960 --> 00:19:25.839 in she has a home in Pennsylvania, No, Philadelphia, sorry, it's 265 00:19:25.839 --> 00:19:30.000 a peace city. And her match was in North Carolina, and so they 266 00:19:30.079 --> 00:19:37.960 dated for about six months actually, and he engaged, he engaged, He 267 00:19:37.039 --> 00:19:40.839 engaged her, and he asked her to marry her over Thanksgiving weekend. I 268 00:19:40.880 --> 00:19:42.519 have a picture, I'll show it to you. Is she moving south or 269 00:19:42.559 --> 00:19:48.240 is he moving toward She's moving south? Yeah, she's moving south and she's 270 00:19:48.319 --> 00:19:52.720 so happy. This is her, This was her third time around, and 271 00:19:52.759 --> 00:19:56.200 this I think this is the last time you would think that these wealthy guys 272 00:19:56.680 --> 00:20:00.319 are Look when you say they want something particular, is it always he's a 273 00:20:00.359 --> 00:20:03.480 supermodel. No, it's always young and hot. Not at all, I 274 00:20:03.519 --> 00:20:07.880 think you know, I'm not going to say every like that's I think a 275 00:20:07.960 --> 00:20:11.680 stereotype for a lot of people. It's refreshing as well, Wendy, that 276 00:20:11.759 --> 00:20:15.640 I get to choose who I work with. So I have had men that 277 00:20:15.720 --> 00:20:19.599 have come to me with the attitude that because they have wealth, money and 278 00:20:19.640 --> 00:20:25.119 status, that they can I can just make up these women and pick them 279 00:20:25.119 --> 00:20:27.400 off a catalog, you know. And if I I remember this one person 280 00:20:27.440 --> 00:20:30.680 saying what's in your stable, and I'm like, you're not going to work 281 00:20:30.720 --> 00:20:36.240 with me? They're not horses. It's okay, No, we don't feed 282 00:20:36.279 --> 00:20:40.599 them, you know. Hey, So I'm it's just the matter of the 283 00:20:40.640 --> 00:20:45.279 fact that they're not meeting women that are at their level as well. I 284 00:20:45.519 --> 00:20:52.480 think there's a lot there's an assumption that successful men only want this bimbo type 285 00:20:52.559 --> 00:20:56.319 or just a trophy wife, and that's not the case. I'm inspired by, 286 00:20:56.440 --> 00:21:00.200 Like the rowadays, a lot of young's sucessful men won, a woman 287 00:21:00.240 --> 00:21:04.200 with a resume, a hundred woman who's successful too, make a power couple. 288 00:21:04.359 --> 00:21:10.599 A lot of the men and women that I look up to, at 289 00:21:10.680 --> 00:21:15.960 least power couples that I look up to, they both independently are very successful. 290 00:21:15.039 --> 00:21:19.440 They've got and combined they're just powerhouses. It is not, you know, 291 00:21:19.519 --> 00:21:23.000 filling a gap for anything. It's really complementing each other. And how 292 00:21:23.039 --> 00:21:27.000 do they manage the family thing if they're both so busy working well? When 293 00:21:27.039 --> 00:21:32.920 you are when you do reach a certain level of success and you have the 294 00:21:33.079 --> 00:21:37.160 room in your life, the reason they're hiring a matchmaker is that they've that's 295 00:21:37.200 --> 00:21:40.839 the only thing missing in their life and they're willing to make the time for 296 00:21:40.880 --> 00:21:44.759 that. And many some of my clients, because you ask what's the demographic, 297 00:21:45.400 --> 00:21:48.359 typically I would say it would be thirty five and up, So thirty 298 00:21:48.400 --> 00:21:53.359 five to fifty five. I mean, my oldest client right now, Wendy 299 00:21:53.440 --> 00:21:59.279 is seventy six, right and one of my other client, who is sixty 300 00:21:59.319 --> 00:22:03.319 five, he met his match and his match she's only fifty five, so 301 00:22:03.359 --> 00:22:08.200 there wasn't a big age gap in you know, who he chose. I 302 00:22:08.200 --> 00:22:14.359 have always said that peers are attracted to peers unders lifespan. There's a small 303 00:22:14.440 --> 00:22:18.279 percentage of women who are cougars, a small percentage of men who want to 304 00:22:18.319 --> 00:22:22.319 get the red Corvette and the young blonde. But that is not the norm. 305 00:22:22.400 --> 00:22:26.599 That's not the majority by any means. Peers are attracted to peers across 306 00:22:26.640 --> 00:22:30.839 the lifespan. You know, I I you know I'm dating a guy who's 307 00:22:30.880 --> 00:22:34.559 my age because we know the same music, we know the same references, 308 00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:41.440 we remember the same stuff together. Yeah, and you know there's other sorry 309 00:22:41.519 --> 00:22:45.119 matchmakers, like I'll say, like sugar match maker or sugar daddy. Sugar 310 00:22:45.160 --> 00:22:49.559 dating is big here in Beverly Hills, right or Miami or Vegas where you 311 00:22:49.640 --> 00:22:56.240 see the older, wealthy guy that chooses to date a younger model, whatever 312 00:22:56.240 --> 00:23:00.240 that case is. But I feel in that case it's quite a that's an 313 00:23:00.319 --> 00:23:03.039 arrangement more than a relationship. Yeah, it's not the reational intimacy. It's 314 00:23:03.119 --> 00:23:07.440 more we know, we know what that is. Okay, when we come 315 00:23:07.440 --> 00:23:11.359 back, my guest is Carmelia Ray. You can find her all everywhere online, 316 00:23:11.440 --> 00:23:15.079 Carmelia Ray. And when we come back, I want to talk a 317 00:23:15.079 --> 00:23:19.599 little bit about emerging AI and how that is impacting our love lives. You're 318 00:23:19.640 --> 00:23:23.279 listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live 319 00:23:23.480 --> 00:23:30.799 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. 320 00:23:30.680 --> 00:23:33.640 Welcome back to the Dodor Wendy Wall Show on KFI and AM six forty, 321 00:23:33.799 --> 00:23:37.920 Live everywhere on the iHeart Radio App. We are in the home stretch 322 00:23:38.359 --> 00:23:41.839 of the Dr Wendy Wall Show. If you missed my Worthy of Love special 323 00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:45.119 last week, you better downloaded. It's up on the iHeartRadio app. Now 324 00:23:45.240 --> 00:23:48.559 there's a big surprise in it. If you haven't, if you're out of 325 00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:52.880 the loop and you haven't heard, you better listen. Okay. Carmelia Ray 326 00:23:53.079 --> 00:23:56.799 is my guest. She is a matchmaker based in Toronto, although you match 327 00:23:56.839 --> 00:24:02.319 people all over North America. But I want to talk a little bit about 328 00:24:02.519 --> 00:24:07.599 AI. Are people using AI to write their dating profiles? Is chat GBT 329 00:24:07.799 --> 00:24:11.920 writing their dating profiles for them? Yes, they are, Wendy, they 330 00:24:12.039 --> 00:24:17.319 are. You can actually google it. And I'm so glad that you brought 331 00:24:17.400 --> 00:24:23.400 that up, because truthfully, I use AI to help me with certain aspects 332 00:24:23.440 --> 00:24:26.839 of my business. And the thing is, you have to know how to 333 00:24:27.559 --> 00:24:33.839 program chat, GPT or open AI or whatever those sources are for you know, 334 00:24:33.920 --> 00:24:37.920 dating profiles and whatnot. But here's the thing I know what to do 335 00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:42.359 and say. It helps me to save time when a single person is relying 336 00:24:42.400 --> 00:24:48.799 solely on an output and they don't actually have the skills or conversation or know 337 00:24:48.920 --> 00:24:55.079 how to communicate with a man or woman. That's the challenge here. You 338 00:24:55.119 --> 00:24:59.119 know, if I'm looking for ideas, I can literally plug in a question. 339 00:24:59.400 --> 00:25:03.240 Let's just and I've done this where somebody said, you know what, 340 00:25:03.559 --> 00:25:07.440 there's a question that's normally posed like there's these prompts like you go on bumble 341 00:25:07.440 --> 00:25:11.440 and it says what does a perfect date look like for me? Or so 342 00:25:11.480 --> 00:25:15.240 you can go to the bot and say what is the most common perfect date 343 00:25:15.519 --> 00:25:18.880 mentioned on Bumble? Yeah, you can say that, or you can say 344 00:25:18.920 --> 00:25:23.400 how can I make an interesting response to this question? And then it will 345 00:25:23.440 --> 00:25:29.799 say something for you. Right, it's not you, it's not you when 346 00:25:29.880 --> 00:25:33.039 you are relying on that output. But if you say something like hey, 347 00:25:33.720 --> 00:25:38.440 I you know I normally I like this this that a perfect day for me 348 00:25:38.960 --> 00:25:42.880 would have something like you know this, this and this you name three different 349 00:25:42.880 --> 00:25:48.160 things can you wrap it up or create a response that would sound appealing, 350 00:25:48.599 --> 00:25:52.440 or you could upload your entire resume and you could make a dating profile out 351 00:25:52.440 --> 00:25:55.839 of this. You can you can like, you can do, you can 352 00:25:55.880 --> 00:25:59.559 do your traits personality is whatever that is, right. I think that A 353 00:26:00.680 --> 00:26:04.319 can be helpful, But where it's not is when people are actually relying on 354 00:26:04.400 --> 00:26:08.680 it as a crutch. Yes, you can use AI for that. Here's 355 00:26:08.839 --> 00:26:12.599 my besides the fact that people aren't being themselves and they can't even write their 356 00:26:12.599 --> 00:26:17.920 own pro because one way that women often eliminate men is through spelling errors and 357 00:26:18.039 --> 00:26:19.880 grammar right, like where it's like I can't even make a sentence, I'm 358 00:26:19.880 --> 00:26:22.799 not gonna get it. Yeah, like, come on, at least Chatgypt. 359 00:26:23.359 --> 00:26:29.440 It's not even grammatically correct. Sometimes it doesn't always sound like your voice 360 00:26:29.319 --> 00:26:34.880 properly. But besides that, I'm worried about the potential for romance scams. 361 00:26:36.119 --> 00:26:40.720 You know, we already know. The technology is giant. You can be 362 00:26:40.799 --> 00:26:44.599 having a full text relationship with somebody, pouring out your heart to them, 363 00:26:45.039 --> 00:26:48.000 and they always have an excuse for a reason why they can't get on a 364 00:26:48.039 --> 00:26:52.519 FaceTime or Skype or zoom. And then before you know it your heart is 365 00:26:52.559 --> 00:26:55.759 involved and they're asking you to send money for a plane ticket or your sick 366 00:26:55.799 --> 00:26:59.599 mother or whatever. We know these things are happening every day in America. 367 00:27:00.079 --> 00:27:03.000 It can be done with bots. It can be done with bots. And 368 00:27:03.039 --> 00:27:06.920 that was the very, very first thing, Wendy that came to my mind 369 00:27:07.079 --> 00:27:11.519 as a seasoned and experienced online dating expert, is that you could tell because 370 00:27:11.519 --> 00:27:17.079 the grammatical errors were there and they weren't speaking in in you know, English 371 00:27:17.160 --> 00:27:21.200 or American English or London English, whatever it is, you could catch that. 372 00:27:21.880 --> 00:27:26.200 Now with chat GPT, they can actually pulug in those questions and have 373 00:27:26.359 --> 00:27:33.119 English answers with grammatical like non grammatical errors in there. So now you've got 374 00:27:33.119 --> 00:27:38.240 to rely on video. And when you most dating apps now are using video 375 00:27:38.319 --> 00:27:45.079 prompts. They're having attachment to your Instagram feed. So when you always you're 376 00:27:45.119 --> 00:27:48.279 gonna say, even video it doesn't cover us, because we know that it 377 00:27:48.359 --> 00:27:53.400 is possible through AI. You know, you could be a fifty year old 378 00:27:53.640 --> 00:27:59.079 man and look like a hot Scandinavian model on Zoom. It's just all done 379 00:27:59.079 --> 00:28:02.359 with filters. I mean, look TikTok. Yeah, well look exactly like 380 00:28:02.480 --> 00:28:04.720 we do in real life. I came to LA this time because I was 381 00:28:04.720 --> 00:28:11.759 at a Ty Lopez mastermind for personal branding for my company, and I there 382 00:28:11.839 --> 00:28:17.279 was somebody that was saying, or Tie himself said, there is an Instagram 383 00:28:17.400 --> 00:28:19.880 model that is one hundred percent AI that's making ten thousand dollars a month. 384 00:28:21.000 --> 00:28:23.200 Yeah, you know, so men are like, it's all possible. So 385 00:28:23.559 --> 00:28:26.440 let's talk about real world stuff. So we only have a couple minutes left. 386 00:28:27.200 --> 00:28:30.680 I tell everybody when they get on a dating app to as you just 387 00:28:30.759 --> 00:28:34.799 mentioned, find their social media and go through it and make sure it's real 388 00:28:34.839 --> 00:28:37.079 and make sure the people are following a real look to see if you have 389 00:28:37.119 --> 00:28:41.160 friends in common, et cetera. We also know from the Tinder Swindler movie 390 00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:45.759 on Netflix that you can make fake Instagrams and everything to really bamboosom people. 391 00:28:45.759 --> 00:28:51.480 But that's the first step. The next step get on the phone and get 392 00:28:51.480 --> 00:28:56.240 in real life. Yeah, as quickly as possible. Don't pour your heart 393 00:28:56.279 --> 00:29:00.440 out into texts. I agree. And the thing about social media as well, 394 00:29:00.480 --> 00:29:04.359 if you are dating, you're actively dating, you can filter and monitor 395 00:29:04.920 --> 00:29:11.000 who gets to see certain things because sometimes they'll use your social media like against 396 00:29:11.000 --> 00:29:15.119 you. So it's really a very challenging play as to who you want to 397 00:29:15.160 --> 00:29:18.640 connect within who you don't, Because what are your thoughts when somebody has their 398 00:29:18.640 --> 00:29:22.880 social media on private? Does that put a red flag to you or what 399 00:29:22.920 --> 00:29:26.559 does that say? If they're looking to find a mate, if the end 400 00:29:26.559 --> 00:29:29.160 they're a man, they should be open, okay, to be able to 401 00:29:29.200 --> 00:29:32.920 see right right? Women should feel safe and protected and they should be able 402 00:29:32.960 --> 00:29:37.240 to internet sleuth. I mean like I could have a husband or yeah, 403 00:29:37.960 --> 00:29:41.480 both, they can have both exactly, So yeah, I definitely think that's 404 00:29:41.279 --> 00:29:45.319 great advice. You definitely want to make sure that your social media is clear 405 00:29:45.400 --> 00:29:48.480 and open and that you would look at it. Would you date yourself? 406 00:29:48.680 --> 00:29:52.799 Like is this something that that you would feel comfortable with knowing that a person 407 00:29:52.839 --> 00:29:56.839 of interest is looking at it? And no matter what, don't get you 408 00:29:56.839 --> 00:29:59.240 know, stars in your eyes. About going outside of your zip code, 409 00:29:59.279 --> 00:30:03.440 find somebody close to home who you can meet for a coffee and make sure 410 00:30:03.440 --> 00:30:07.599 they're real, and do it pretty quickly before you have fallen in love with 411 00:30:07.640 --> 00:30:11.279 your own projections, which is your imaginations of who this person is, because 412 00:30:11.720 --> 00:30:15.279 you know, a dating profile is just a billboard. Did you actually get 413 00:30:15.359 --> 00:30:19.400 married to a Billboard or send it money. No, Carmellia, It's always 414 00:30:19.440 --> 00:30:23.160 a pleasure to have you on the show. It's wonderful to have you here 415 00:30:23.200 --> 00:30:26.839 in Los Angeles. If people want to reach you, where do they go? 416 00:30:27.279 --> 00:30:30.559 They would just simply go to Carmeliarray dot com. You can go to 417 00:30:30.599 --> 00:30:34.519 my YouTube channel which is at Carmeli Array one, and everything else on my 418 00:30:34.559 --> 00:30:37.960 social handles is at Carmeli Ray. Thank you, Wendy. So happy to 419 00:30:38.000 --> 00:30:41.839 be here. Always a pleasure to have you. You have been listening to 420 00:30:41.880 --> 00:30:45.160 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'm KFI AM six forty. I'm here every 421 00:30:45.200 --> 00:30:49.240 Sunday from seven to nine pm Pacific time. You can also join my Patreon 422 00:30:49.359 --> 00:30:55.160 at Patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. We have a wonderful weekly zoom 423 00:30:55.200 --> 00:30:57.200 on Wednesday nights with many KFI listeners. We'd love to welcome you into our 424 00:30:57.279 --> 00:31:02.599 zoom room. Otherwise, I'm always here for you on KFI. Thanks for 425 00:31:02.640 --> 00:31:07.759 being with us. You can listen to us anytime on the iHeartRadio app KFI 426 00:31:07.960 --> 00:31:08.839 AM six forty on demand