You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand KFI AM six forty. You've
got doctor Wendy Walsh with you this He is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
I am taking your calls. The numbers one, eight hundred and five to
zero, one, five, three four. Reminder, I'm not a therapist.
I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three books on relationships. I've
had a lot of life experience and I'm obsessed with the science of love.
Okay, Producer, Kayla, who do we got? We have Brian with
a question. Brian. Hello, Brian, it's doctor Wendy. Good evening,
miss doctor Wendy. I'm listener. I'm not a first time caller.
Thank you. I like to say congratulations. Idea here the show last week,
and I believe that it not only caught your Julio off gar, but
I believe that he would have done it sooner. But I just think,
in my opinion as a man, first of all, thank you for accepting
him as he is, for his past or any other futuristic ordeals that you
guys have had triumphant to go through. You know, we all have something,
we all have something and intimacy is about being open, honest and authentic,
and you caught him off guard. I think he would have done it
sooner, but I think because of his situation, he was thinking, maybe
you might've going to have cold feet, and he didn't want the rejection exactly.
You got it, You got it exactly. He was waiting for me
to make the move and let him know that he is worthy of love,
which I did it in a big way. It was fun. It was
a wonderful show. It was a wonderful show. I heard it. And
do you have a question, Ryan, Yes, yes I do. My
question is this been in a very good relationship over the past two two and
a half years, no kids involved. I'm older between I guess twelve fifteen
years depending on you know, when they're not flugging their age. It is
true. But what is a woman telling the guy when she says I think
we should take a break, you believe they'd find we're going good? And
what is is there any obligation to a guy that can't say you know why
or what for? And she just said, well, I just feel that
we need a break. Maybe you need some time of part you know,
see if this is what I really want long term? Is there an obligation
to either side when one side the female and it could come from a male
as well. When they say I think we should take a break, okay,
so let me tell you what I think we should take a break means.
It means I want to test out the mating marketplace to see if I
can get anything better. And if I can't, I'm going to come back
to you. And I promise you there's no such thing as taking a break.
You need to say, well, that means we're breaking up and you
need to grieve and you have to move on. I'm so sorry, Brian,
but that's what a break means. They might not even realize, but
that's what it means. They want to keep you there as their backup mate
while they're out there shopping. And so as soon as somebody says I think
we need to take a break, you need to say, well, I
think we need to break up. You're either in it or you're not.
And I need you. I need you, Brian, to be firm and
have boundaries. Don't let her manipulate you. I'm so sorry to deliver that
news, but that's what a break is. Oh breaks my heart. All
right, producer, Kayla, who we got Now, I'll have Joey with
a question. Okay. Oh, I loved Brian so much it broke my
heart to deliver that news. Hi, Joey, it's doctor Wendy, Doctor
Wendy. Good evening. I'm a big fan. I know you hear that
a lot. No, but it's nice. Thank you. Yeah, You're
very welcome. So I was married for nineteen years. I dated my ex
wife for eight years, and I'm I'm forty nine, so obviously just twenty
seven years of your life. I did that math. Okay, yes,
ma'am. And so I divorced in twenty twenty one and very broken up about
it. I got back into the dating game and I met someone through a
dating app. We had we had three just incredible dates. I mean it
almost felt like lightning struck twice. We just we had so much in common.
We were great together. And now I think I fell victim to this
whole ghosting phenomenon. Oh and I'm trying to figure out why. A part
of me is thinking, well, it was only three dates, what's the
big deal. But a part of that, well, because you were in
love with home, I've broken up all over. Yeah, of course,
and to have no information first of all, being ghosted. I've even been
ghosted in my life, Joey. It is so painful because you're thinking,
like what did I say? What did I do? And you reach out
to the person, you text, you call, and they get nothing bad
and you're like did they die? Like what happened? Right? So I
want you to know that you did absolutely nothing wrong. Here's what ghosting is.
It's somebody who doesn't have enough emotional intelligence to be able to tell you
the truth. Now, the truth can involve all kinds of things, like
she actually has another relationship and she was testing out the mating marketplace, or
she you know, doesn't really like you as much as you like her,
whatever doesn't matter. There is some more information about her life that you're not
privy to. But this is not your problem. It's her problem. And
the only time I find ghosts. So we have to allow ourselves to grieve.
Right, take some time to go you know what I didn't I didn't
do anything wrong. I'm a good person, like screw that, right,
Spend some time grieving, and then understand that you have to stop thinking about
her, because if you continue to pine away for her, and I know
it's reasons, so don't do it yet. But when you if you continue
to be like, well, why if I could just talk to her and
find out how or why, then you're going into anxious attachment area right where
you're starting to She's just an object. A therapist would say that she's an
object for your anxious attachment style. You've picked this little object for you to
play with, so I think you deserve to grieve. It was a rude
thing for her to do. But she does not have the emotional intelligence to
have an intimate relationship with you. So you were saved. You were saved
from a worse thing that would happen down the road because of her inability to
be honest? What does it take to even you don't even have to call
them, to text somebody and say, hey, you know, thank you
for those three dates. It was a pleasure going to I don't have the
same feelings as you do. I'm going to move on. What does it
take? Why can't we be honest? Or maybe hey, I'm actually married
and I just thought i'd maybe have an affair, but now I don't think
I should do it. Whenever I know what her truth is. We don't
know and it doesn't matter. But what I know is that you are saved
from a whole lot of heartbreak, so you should be doing the touchdown cheer.
I'm sorry it happened to you, Joey, and it happens to everybody,
but thank you for calling. All right, producer Kaylea. Let me
go to social media because I've been neglecting, as this person writes into Instagram,
Hey, doctor Wendy, how do you can't handle the questions about body
count? For those who don't know, body count means, you know,
men who hold the sexual double standard in their mind get concerned if women have
had more sexual partners with them. They call that the body count. How
many bodies she's been with? This person writes, I've been struggling with it
because it feels like such a double standard for women to be questioned and look
down on. I want to be free about my sexuality and not free and
not feel like I shouldn't do something just because of how outwardly it feels.
Any advice or opinions on how to address this question, Okay, So as
soon as the question comes up, like how many people you've been with or
whatever. Your response should be, Oh, so it sounds like someone told
you there's a sexual double standard. I'm wondering you'd like open up the conversation
about sexuality. I'm wondering what your belief system is about sexuality. And if
they say, well, you know, I think men, you know,
men can do what they want, but women you have to be good,
then you say, well, it's really interesting because mathematically it doesn't work out
because you would assume if men are having lots of sex and most of the
good marriageable my fingers are making quotations marriageable women are having little sex and waiting
for the perfect one, then there must be a small population of very randy
women who are servicing the entire male sex. And so mathematically, I will
tell you that peers are having sex with peers at the same rate across the
lifespan. Okay, there are going to be some people well that just have
very little sex. There's some people are going to have a lot of sex
and lots of things in between. And so I think when someone asks about
body count, that's your opening to have the discussion about the sexual double standard
and their belief system. And you may find that you do not like their
belief system, and you may move along. Okay, you can get rid
of them if you don't agree with their belief system, but you don't have
to answer it, and you don't have to be coy and go. Well,
you tell me how many you men there who cares talk about why?
It matters? The why is much more important. Thank you for that question.
All right. I will continue to take your social media questions next week
and you can write them in on my social media. The handle everywhere is
at doctor Wendy Walsh at dr Wendy Walsh on TikTok and Instagram and where else
do you check? Kayla YouTube sometimes all over the place. When we come
back, how to use the butterfly effect to improve your relationship. If you
don't know what the butterfl fly effect is, you might want to brush up
on your chaos theory. I'll explain. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls
Show on KFI AM six forty, but live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand AFI AM six forty. You
have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show.
Do you know what the butterfly effect is? Had you ever heard of it?
Kayla? The butterfly effect? Oh yes, it was an Ashton Kutcher
movie. Oh oh that's how you know about it? Well, yeah,
I was going to talk about. Edward Lawrence coined the term for the butterfly
effect and the chaos theory derived from a metaphorical example in which the details of
a tornado are influenced by the minor returbance of the flapping wings of a distant
butterfly. You got to sciencey on the cut your type of bray. So
basically, what the butterfly effect is. It means that even the smallest,
tiniest little thing, a very small change in one state can be associated I
don't mean states like California, and I mean in one thing can be associated
with large differences in a later stage. Right, So you know, the
theory of the butterfly effect is you could technically say that something as small as
the flapping of the wings of a butterfly could cause a ripple effect in vibrations
and weather and blah blah blah that could eventually cause a tornado in our relationships.
I believe the butterfly effect means relationships are all about the small stuff,
not the big stuff. We spend so much time thinking about the big stuff,
but it is the tiny, little moment. My other favorite saying is
the devil's in the details, right, not in that you think you're making
this decision. Should we get married or not, should we have kids or
another one or not, should we buy a house or not? This is
the large that's the culmination of all the small things. The small things can
be something as simple as when your mate comes home from a day of work,
not going to the front door to greet them. You know, I
have a pet peeve about that, right. I believe healthy relationships means that
when somebody comes in from their day, they should be greeted by the person
who loves them. What does it take to get your butt out of your
chair and go hi, honey, I'm glad you're home. Give him a
hug if I'm snugging up on the couch. Can I just say it when
he walks in the door. No, you get up and you show him
you have sacrificed hmmm, uh huh. It's just a simple thing. It
makes him feel special, and you know where I learned this. I learned
this through parenthood. I would come home from my hard day at work and
there would be a three year old who would come running to me with her
arms in the air, screaming mummy, and it felt so good to come
home. And I thought, I'm gonna try that with a boyfriend. Honey,
Okay. So it could be as simple as that. Maybe somebody comes
in from their bad day and you're off snuggle up on your couch. You
don't even look up from the Crown. Oh my gosh, the Crown.
I'm so addicted to that show. I think about the point where Prince William
is now a teenager and he's becoming a heart throb. Diana's already dead.
It's like, but I lived through it once and may follow it all the
news, so it's kind of fun to see anyway. So here are the
couple concepts about the butterfly effect in our relationships. First of all, your
emotions echo back happiness to yourself. So if you perform small acts of kindness
and appreciation. I always talk about gratitude, kindness, and appreciation in your
relationship, that can create positive ripples, and those positive ripples actually create overall
relationship satisfaction, well being if you sincerely say thank you, Like I notice
one thing about Julio and I maybe because his mom's oh't no raised him so
well. He's very polite. So if I hand him a tool because he's
fixing something for me, he'll say, thanks, honey, thanks. We
always say please, please, could you have please? Can you thank you?
Whatever? And we appreciate each other. We use good manners with each
other, and that creates a nurturing tone. Right. On the other hand,
you start neglecting these small gestures. You don't know it, but bit
by bit your relationship gets eroded. Feelings of resentment start to grow. Right,
and the other part of the butterfly effect is communication and how communication can
cause a huge ripple effect. Right, misinterpreted comments, silence that someone's supposed
to read your mind. Right, you think this is just a small lapse,
but it can trigger a chain reaction of misunderstandings, people creating stories in
their head about what's really going on, and before you know what, those
butterfly wings are creating a tornado in your relationship. Here's a simple example.
Let's say a couple's planning a vacation Now, a healthy couple might suggest that
you have a thorough discussion of the pros and cons of where you're going to
go, how much you're going to spend another the partner comes home and goes,
hey, I booked a vacation, We're going here. Uh huh,
without consulting the other and just expecting the other person to be happy. See,
this decision creates a ripple effect. Somebody feels unheard, maybe resentful,
starts to lead to some tensions in the relationship, and that builds up for
the next thing. Right. So it might be a small decision, but
it can affect trust, mutual understanding, and be a negative butterfly effect.
So we need to think about the small things, the tiny things all day
long. What can you do to create a happy butterfly that won't make tornadoes?
Hey, when we come back, I've got a special guest. She's
a high profile matchmaker. Yeah, those people who are too cool and rich
to go on dating apps, she fights them. Mates. Also, she's
going to talk to us about how AI is getting involved in our dating life.
You won't believe what she is to say. You're listening to The Doctor
Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We lab everywhere on the iHeartRadio
app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to
the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio App. I have a very special guest joining us now, and it's
perfect that you're here in the studio because we're a week after Are Worthy of
Love Special. Carmelia Ray is a I like to call you a matchmaker with
the mostest based in Toronto, but here you are in Los Angeles. Yes,
every time I come to La Wendy is one of the first people I
call and I say, Wendy, I want to see you. It's been
decade that we've been in each other's circle. So thank you, and I'm
glad to be here instead of cold Canada. Yeah the time of year.
Yeah. Before we get into the interview, let tell people where they can
find you online. You can find me at Carmeliarray dot com and luckily every
single social media handle I have at Carmeli array c A R M E l
I A r A Y. So that's how you can find me. So
you've been a matchmaker for quite some time. Who would you tell me is
your typical client? Because you know, people can just go to a dating
app nowadays, Carmelia, why do they come to you? They can go
to a dating app. And frankly, many of my clients are still online.
Because I believe in diversifying your portfolio, they come to me. My
typical client are single, successful, relationship minded entrepreneurs. So these are not
not that a nine to five are necessarily or corporate, But I just seem
to attract a lot of laptop nomads, men and women who have multiple places
they can live in, work in different cities, and they're like they're not
bound by geography, like they believe that their person is exceptional and they are
not necessarily in the three zero five or eight one eight area code. That
they're very open to finding love wherever it, wherever we find it or shows
up. Actually, is there a particular breakdown between men and women that you
represent. I am working with a lot more men these days. I have
worked with many many women, and I'm finding that with men, they're they're
very specific, they know what they're looking for, and when it comes to
the financial investment, they understand that you know, finding a partner is an
investment, and they already are you know, investing in mentors and chefs and
drivers that they know the value of time. And that's the reason why.
And I want to say I prefer to work with men, but I'm attracting
a lot of single, successful men that I don't want to waste time.
And why would they come to you when they could swipe and swipe and swipe
on a dating up if they're very specific about what they're looking for. Well,
the fact is they're not swiping, or they don't want to swipe,
and they'd rather have someone do an introduction to the introduction. Yeah. One
of my clients, a female client, Jess, got engaged. She lives
in she has a home in Pennsylvania, No, Philadelphia, sorry, it's
a peace city. And her match was in North Carolina, and so they
dated for about six months actually, and he engaged, he engaged, He
engaged her, and he asked her to marry her over Thanksgiving weekend. I
have a picture, I'll show it to you. Is she moving south or
is he moving toward She's moving south? Yeah, she's moving south and she's
so happy. This is her, This was her third time around, and
this I think this is the last time you would think that these wealthy guys
are Look when you say they want something particular, is it always he's a
supermodel. No, it's always young and hot. Not at all, I
think you know, I'm not going to say every like that's I think a
stereotype for a lot of people. It's refreshing as well, Wendy, that
I get to choose who I work with. So I have had men that
have come to me with the attitude that because they have wealth, money and
status, that they can I can just make up these women and pick them
off a catalog, you know. And if I I remember this one person
saying what's in your stable, and I'm like, you're not going to work
with me? They're not horses. It's okay, No, we don't feed
them, you know. Hey, So I'm it's just the matter of the
fact that they're not meeting women that are at their level as well. I
think there's a lot there's an assumption that successful men only want this bimbo type
or just a trophy wife, and that's not the case. I'm inspired by,
Like the rowadays, a lot of young's sucessful men won, a woman
with a resume, a hundred woman who's successful too, make a power couple.
A lot of the men and women that I look up to, at
least power couples that I look up to, they both independently are very successful.
They've got and combined they're just powerhouses. It is not, you know,
filling a gap for anything. It's really complementing each other. And how
do they manage the family thing if they're both so busy working well? When
you are when you do reach a certain level of success and you have the
room in your life, the reason they're hiring a matchmaker is that they've that's
the only thing missing in their life and they're willing to make the time for
that. And many some of my clients, because you ask what's the demographic,
typically I would say it would be thirty five and up, So thirty
five to fifty five. I mean, my oldest client right now, Wendy
is seventy six, right and one of my other client, who is sixty
five, he met his match and his match she's only fifty five, so
there wasn't a big age gap in you know, who he chose. I
have always said that peers are attracted to peers unders lifespan. There's a small
percentage of women who are cougars, a small percentage of men who want to
get the red Corvette and the young blonde. But that is not the norm.
That's not the majority by any means. Peers are attracted to peers across
the lifespan. You know, I I you know I'm dating a guy who's
my age because we know the same music, we know the same references,
we remember the same stuff together. Yeah, and you know there's other sorry
matchmakers, like I'll say, like sugar match maker or sugar daddy. Sugar
dating is big here in Beverly Hills, right or Miami or Vegas where you
see the older, wealthy guy that chooses to date a younger model, whatever
that case is. But I feel in that case it's quite a that's an
arrangement more than a relationship. Yeah, it's not the reational intimacy. It's
more we know, we know what that is. Okay, when we come
back, my guest is Carmelia Ray. You can find her all everywhere online,
Carmelia Ray. And when we come back, I want to talk a
little bit about emerging AI and how that is impacting our love lives. You're
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand.
Welcome back to the Dodor Wendy Wall Show on KFI and AM six forty,
Live everywhere on the iHeart Radio App. We are in the home stretch
of the Dr Wendy Wall Show. If you missed my Worthy of Love special
last week, you better downloaded. It's up on the iHeartRadio app. Now
there's a big surprise in it. If you haven't, if you're out of
the loop and you haven't heard, you better listen. Okay. Carmelia Ray
is my guest. She is a matchmaker based in Toronto, although you match
people all over North America. But I want to talk a little bit about
AI. Are people using AI to write their dating profiles? Is chat GBT
writing their dating profiles for them? Yes, they are, Wendy, they
are. You can actually google it. And I'm so glad that you brought
that up, because truthfully, I use AI to help me with certain aspects
of my business. And the thing is, you have to know how to
program chat, GPT or open AI or whatever those sources are for you know,
dating profiles and whatnot. But here's the thing I know what to do
and say. It helps me to save time when a single person is relying
solely on an output and they don't actually have the skills or conversation or know
how to communicate with a man or woman. That's the challenge here. You
know, if I'm looking for ideas, I can literally plug in a question.
Let's just and I've done this where somebody said, you know what,
there's a question that's normally posed like there's these prompts like you go on bumble
and it says what does a perfect date look like for me? Or so
you can go to the bot and say what is the most common perfect date
mentioned on Bumble? Yeah, you can say that, or you can say
how can I make an interesting response to this question? And then it will
say something for you. Right, it's not you, it's not you when
you are relying on that output. But if you say something like hey,
I you know I normally I like this this that a perfect day for me
would have something like you know this, this and this you name three different
things can you wrap it up or create a response that would sound appealing,
or you could upload your entire resume and you could make a dating profile out
of this. You can you can like, you can do, you can
do your traits personality is whatever that is, right. I think that A
can be helpful, But where it's not is when people are actually relying on
it as a crutch. Yes, you can use AI for that. Here's
my besides the fact that people aren't being themselves and they can't even write their
own pro because one way that women often eliminate men is through spelling errors and
grammar right, like where it's like I can't even make a sentence, I'm
not gonna get it. Yeah, like, come on, at least Chatgypt.
It's not even grammatically correct. Sometimes it doesn't always sound like your voice
properly. But besides that, I'm worried about the potential for romance scams.
You know, we already know. The technology is giant. You can be
having a full text relationship with somebody, pouring out your heart to them,
and they always have an excuse for a reason why they can't get on a
FaceTime or Skype or zoom. And then before you know it your heart is
involved and they're asking you to send money for a plane ticket or your sick
mother or whatever. We know these things are happening every day in America.
It can be done with bots. It can be done with bots. And
that was the very, very first thing, Wendy that came to my mind
as a seasoned and experienced online dating expert, is that you could tell because
the grammatical errors were there and they weren't speaking in in you know, English
or American English or London English, whatever it is, you could catch that.
Now with chat GPT, they can actually pulug in those questions and have
English answers with grammatical like non grammatical errors in there. So now you've got
to rely on video. And when you most dating apps now are using video
prompts. They're having attachment to your Instagram feed. So when you always you're
gonna say, even video it doesn't cover us, because we know that it
is possible through AI. You know, you could be a fifty year old
man and look like a hot Scandinavian model on Zoom. It's just all done
with filters. I mean, look TikTok. Yeah, well look exactly like
we do in real life. I came to LA this time because I was
at a Ty Lopez mastermind for personal branding for my company, and I there
was somebody that was saying, or Tie himself said, there is an Instagram
model that is one hundred percent AI that's making ten thousand dollars a month.
Yeah, you know, so men are like, it's all possible. So
let's talk about real world stuff. So we only have a couple minutes left.
I tell everybody when they get on a dating app to as you just
mentioned, find their social media and go through it and make sure it's real
and make sure the people are following a real look to see if you have
friends in common, et cetera. We also know from the Tinder Swindler movie
on Netflix that you can make fake Instagrams and everything to really bamboosom people.
But that's the first step. The next step get on the phone and get
in real life. Yeah, as quickly as possible. Don't pour your heart
out into texts. I agree. And the thing about social media as well,
if you are dating, you're actively dating, you can filter and monitor
who gets to see certain things because sometimes they'll use your social media like against
you. So it's really a very challenging play as to who you want to
connect within who you don't, Because what are your thoughts when somebody has their
social media on private? Does that put a red flag to you or what
does that say? If they're looking to find a mate, if the end
they're a man, they should be open, okay, to be able to
see right right? Women should feel safe and protected and they should be able
to internet sleuth. I mean like I could have a husband or yeah,
both, they can have both exactly, So yeah, I definitely think that's
great advice. You definitely want to make sure that your social media is clear
and open and that you would look at it. Would you date yourself?
Like is this something that that you would feel comfortable with knowing that a person
of interest is looking at it? And no matter what, don't get you
know, stars in your eyes. About going outside of your zip code,
find somebody close to home who you can meet for a coffee and make sure
they're real, and do it pretty quickly before you have fallen in love with
your own projections, which is your imaginations of who this person is, because
you know, a dating profile is just a billboard. Did you actually get
married to a Billboard or send it money. No, Carmellia, It's always
a pleasure to have you on the show. It's wonderful to have you here
in Los Angeles. If people want to reach you, where do they go?
They would just simply go to Carmeliarray dot com. You can go to
my YouTube channel which is at Carmeli Array one, and everything else on my
social handles is at Carmeli Ray. Thank you, Wendy. So happy to
be here. Always a pleasure to have you. You have been listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'm KFI AM six forty. I'm here every
Sunday from seven to nine pm Pacific time. You can also join my Patreon
at Patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. We have a wonderful weekly zoom
on Wednesday nights with many KFI listeners. We'd love to welcome you into our
zoom room. Otherwise, I'm always here for you on KFI. Thanks for
being with us. You can listen to us anytime on the iHeartRadio app KFI
AM six forty on demand