Oh, it's Swartz. He walks in. It was Alex and Danielle and
he's like, hey, it smells like I don't know gross in here.
Yeah. He goes, did you guys smoke in here? And Danielle says,
no, we just had sex stop someone. You know. We just
watched training Day And when Danzell puts that bigpen in Snoop's throat so that he
can throw up the crack rock, that's what I want myself to do to
me when Danielle volunteers that she's sexually active, because no one needs to know
that everyone already does. It doesn't need to be said aloud. You're being
pathetic. The little hole that she kept making me want to crawl to the
bottom of every time she would do something like this, She's it. Just
thought to myself, you're making me want to dig. You're making me want
to dig. I'm just dig dig dig dig dig. That's what you're making
me do, Danielle. There's a lot of stuff on TV. It's good
tracks, a lot of it bad TV. Hi Alo, Welcome to another
brand spanking new episode of bad television. That's long for bad TV. I'm
Dylan saddled up next to one. Patrick Kicky. Great to be here,
my baby sister, but by that girl is to my right and a gorgeous
down trench coat. Hey, Dyl, is that down? Sure? Not
fleece? You know? The listeners love your banter. But I gotta tell
you, Del, You're always gonna lose coming up against Ruby. She's a
big fan favorite. They love the rooms. I don't think I've ever seen
someone say anything bad about Ruby. Dylan has been telling me that I'm in
the wrong because I think it's cold here, but every place I go is
cold. It's in the fifties. You're allowed to wear coats. You know
what, It's not colder than Steamboat State? Yep, can I We have
public service announcements, ratings, and reviews. I'll pull up some to read
right now. Get in there. Five stars, let us know what you
think about the show, not about the podcast. No no, no,
five stars tell us why you hate the show, or five stars tell us
where you live. This podcast. Patrick vander Pump is right around the corner.
Yahes January. We're gonna be doing that with Ruby Rubes. We're still
trying to figure out if that's going to be on this feed, which is
oh, I guess it's on below Deck and mad TV. But anyway,
definitely if we make it for you, it will be on our bad TV
feed, so we'll let you know. But more important business, we are
wrapping up The Golden Bachelor. Okay, this is the season finale. It's
season final, season finale. Okay, okay, wait, so if you
who cares, everyone's going to be talking about who Jerry picked on I don't
know Monday morning in the office. You need to know you're going to be
left out, busted up about one five sy. You're such a nice person.
You want to know what he's up to his goddamn shenanigans. Speaking of
this review is called hysterical from Julian Aire five stars. I give it one
hundred canes. Loving the discussion reviews on Golden Bacheler laugh out loud, funny
space exclamation mark, I love that, love that. There you go,
Okay, and then if you want to hear us talk more. We do
two shows for five bucks? A wag ooh, bargain A bargain? What
is that the math there? Let's see two shows times four? What is
that? Eight shows for five bucks? Target? I'm charging like thirteen bucks
for quadriplegic Santa Claus? Is that right? And their Muslim and gay no
limbs? You know, I wasn't looking on the shelf my daughter. When
she poops in the toilet three times without pooping in her pants, she gets
a poopy surprise. So I'm glad you've extended it to three because for a
while it was every successful bowel movement, it got expensive. Yeah, so
she likes the barbie. She's into the barbie. So I'm just looking at
the aisle. I just grab a damn barbie. I pay forward at Target,
put it in the bag, bring it home. Ask my wife,
did she not poop in her pants? Wife says, nope, she pooped
in the toilet. I handed the toy. It's a goddamn barbie that has
a prosthetic leg. Yeah, you know this little three year old. Yeah,
she's like ew yeah yeah yeah. Yeah. They're judgmental at three,
and that's wrong. You cannot say oud to people who have lost limbs,
because imagine what they go through. We should all be grateful to be happy
and healthy, not saying that the people who don't have limbs aren't healthy,
but it's less than they're still healthy. I'm assuming, but the point I
was making is a three year old's a pretty judgy little creature. Yeah,
and it's also just horrific that you guys are trying to indoctrinate her with gender
norms. But that will be discussed at a later date. We have Winterhouse
to get into. Oh yes, and let me tell you something. I'm
gonna go ahead with snowballs if you guys tell these p zero snowballs. The
snowballs are all melted, and it's all it's a puddle. It's a puddle.
Jack Frost is dead. This show, This episode was so there's no
form to it. It's it's amoebic. It's it's a prokaryot if that's the
right word. It's it's just absolute nonsense, linear chaos. Yeah, it's
like if a Jackson Pollock painting was worth nothing. That's what this episode was.
Uh. There was something lovely to witness, and that was Danielle just
embarrassing herself on a national stage. There is there is no recording deal.
There is no William hung recording deal. After this kind of embarrassment, it's
just people dragging you on Twitter. There's literally nothing good that can come from
this, Danielle is losing her fucking mind and she has a drinking problem.
Uh the puddles one puddle, yeah, one ruby? Would you like to
go next? Sure, I would say. I think Danielle is going through
a hard time. I did pick up one little oopsie poopsy from Amanda this
week that said that she thought that they were going to get back together,
as in Danielle and Robert and I. I don't know why. So it's
newer to her because so she's drinking a lot because she's sad. But I
don't have a puddle. I have Jack frost. The first the bottom two
snowballs of his body melted. And then your dad, come over here,
Dad, Timmy lean close. He can still talk. He's melting, but
the mouth is there, and the carrot is like three inches above the ground.
But he and no shade, sun is shining. He is melting.
He will be dead by the end of the day. Wow, Okay,
you know I recently caught how many snowballs is it would be It would be
zero point seven. The other night, my wife goes bet early, and
then I sometimes drink wine and watch app movies and days and Confused came on
sure. Have you guys seen that movie? Familiar with it? I'd stay
the same age, you know the line, Yeah, I stay the same
age and they just get all old. Okay, So the bulk of that
movie is actually a bonfire party. It takes up like forty eight minutes of
the entire movie. Really, yes, sure, yeap. It starts out
with the kids in school and then the baseball game and the next thing,
you know, everyone's gearing up to go to that party. That's where all
the great scenes happen. And that was this episode. This was just days
and confused, the television version. Yeah, the entire wild West party or
whatnot, you know, just bouncing around to the different The whole town's invited,
including that ski instructor who is a kissing bandit. Oh yes, and
the lesbian thank you Hannah. How can you ding a show that has a
onesie brunch? You know you can't dg a show for that. Yeah,
it's so funny. Jordan is a DJ. She loves brunch and she loves
onesies and she's also black. And that's that's paradoxical, right, it is
true. Yeah, she also loves a brunch because her mom's dead. Yeah,
that never explained it, and I wasn't laughing at I was laughing at
Pat's delivery. I wasn't laughing. This was definitely the uh the worst episode
of the season. I still enjoyed it. These dummies walking around drinking themselves
to death. I love it, especially Kyle. I'm going to give it
to fourteen snow so much, so much here we will we will cover that.
Yeah, just like he covers eight hundred spots of snow. I mean,
he's like a dalmatian. How many times are we going to stop on
this walk? Kyle? Oh, what's over here? Oh my god?
Oh, I got to be on it. Last we left off, the
whole town was invited named Katie is flipping out about the tom name scandal.
She blames her mother for cock blocking her. And that's how you know you're
just in you're treading insane waters because it's not Mommy's fault. No, it's
Sandy's fault. Yes, Sandy's fault. By the way, I got to
set this up appropriately, Dylan, Friday, March seventeenth, six thirty six
pm. Yes. We spend the first three minutes of the episode with Katie
Flood venting about how her mother cock blocked her. I'd argue to her that
your mother could have named you spiu agnew He's still not going to make you
his girlfriend, Nope, because he is a Bravo celebt and he has a
girlfriend named Joe at back home in North Hollywood. And spirew was a corrupt,
vile rat of a human being rat that's right, Yeah, just a
fucking rap. But you know who wouldn't have known that? Nixon? Swartz?
Oh god, it he's still what of said? Yeah? No,
gom, yeah, okay, you worked close with Nixon though, so Schwartz
says, maybe I'm just pushing down feelings. Get me back to the party,
because I'm doing my Jack Nicholson voice. I'm upset, Get me back
to the party. At what point is this fake? Like like and I
don't know if you guys have friends who have been divorced or something, I
imagine it actually is quite scary and very overwhelming to start to get your toes
back. And sure, this is childish behavior though no from any person.
This is the way he is behaving about this woman. She is a woman.
But on I guess both parts. This is this is babies, This
is little little babies. That are getting poop toys. I agree, Okay,
you want I heard Jack Nicholson's sure. He told Kevin Pollack. He
goes, you want to know surreal? And I did a film Chinatown,
you know, Chinatown. I was rehearsing his scene with John Houston and his
daughter was a background actress in the movie, and I was banging her and
we're rehearsing this scene, and I'm all in my head about how I'm gonna
tell him, and I snap out it. Angelica, Yeah nice? And
uh, I don't know if she was a background actor in that. Was
she a background actor? I don't know, or was she more prominently fit
whatever Angelica was in the film, I didn't know that was John Houston's daughter,
Yeah, Angelica Houston. So he goes, I'm thinking about it.
How I'm gonna tell him that I'm banging his daughter? Right? And I
snap out of it. And John Houston's character in the scene asks me,
are you sleeping with my daughter? Now? That's surreal? Oh? He
told him that. He told Kevin public that's Chinatown, all good? Yeah,
nice man? Yeah. In Chinatown is a film about water and it's
directed by a pedophile. Yeah nice, Yeah, Hey, you want to,
I just am attempting to not talk about the show. Okay, let's
get to Alex and Danielle. They make out, and Alex proves he's quite
the multitasker because while having his tongue inserting Daniel's mouth, he simultaneously flirts with
another girl. But she's from Denver and friends with Jason, so it's totally
cool. Yeah. Can I give a few meanwhiles here? Stop me?
Yeah? I mean, you know, we're gonna have to get through the
party before we're gonna have any spine to this episode. Well the party is
it stays? Yes. Of the episode, Jordan discusses her DJ name Sea
Rats dance on the catch counter, and Brian, the self proclaimed ladies man,
continues to spread the ick it's baroksham, it's air born. At this
point worth mentioning, and you correct me if I'm wrong. Here he says
that he is a ladies man again, please correct me. Ladies man doesn't
mean that you like women. Ladies man means they like you, which is
not the case here. No, no, no, right, because I'm
trying to think of the animal deer like women. It doesn't mean that,
you know, they're lady dear. No, no, no, it just
means that they're heterosexual, which is a biological pattern for kind of prolonging and
proliferating your DNA. So it has almost nothing to do with your tact with
women. It just means that you're a human, right or a mammal or
Brian. This episode, he is going to strike out epic proportions, and
I love his I know that Batman has a soft face, and Ruby likes
him. Batman is funny because he's the fall guy, right Yeah, he's
just prot falling all over the place, but he is I don't think the
kind of person that I would like being around. I don't like Mommy sent
me warm things kind of people. And I don't like people who are like
I'll show them that I can fuck bitches. It's gross. Yeah, and
they get stupid. He actually delivered quite the congratuatory speech when he later in
the episode to get ahead of myself. He's felt like he redeemed himself with
his friends. Yeah, yeah, made out with that random right right right,
you guys like me now right, go ahead and mount your defensive Batman.
I think that he's very nice. I think that he sucks. Is
the type of person that would look at the things that Corey has done to
women and actually be like really upset and be like, dude, that's so
fucked up, that's kind of gross. Yeah wait, why did you just
spit in her? No? No, she loves that's your sister. Yeah.
So I just don't think he belongs here. I think he needs to
date a white girl for three years. They need to break up, and
then he needs to marry who is an Indian from Miami that is going to
be beautiful and love him and they'll have a beautiful life together that honestly will
be the happiest and most successful out of everybody's life here. I think case
he might go back to school get his dental degree. Totally, He'll be
He'll be great, and so will his life. Yep. Uh, this
next part here, I have to say, Well, first off, can
we get to that towny hollis? Who's Jordan? Yeah, he's underweight,
Jason Kelsey and I don't like a drunk. Yeah, I don't know why
Jordan is. Jordan is annoying. I'm annoyed with Jordan. Well, I
only I'm gonna ge all right, So I'm sorry that the two people that
I can't stand because they don't do anything, well, Amanda doesn't do anything
either, having to be beautiful black women. Sierra was absolutely useless, Jordan.
This is her first season on Winter House, so I still have hope
for her, but sure, thus far useless. Yeah, but when you
boast about bouts of celibacy and then get into your brawn underwear in front of
people, it's just you know, I do, I do, And it's
hard because you don't want to say things, because it's difficult because you don't
want to say things. But yeah, and I don't want to say things
either, But I'll say if that were me, and if I were in
that house and I was hooking up with Alex and then someone did that and
I saw it, I would say, hey, Jordan, why the fuck
do you keep trying to fuck the guy that I'm fucking? And is it
because you wanted to on the first night but then you said too drunk,
I'm better than this and tomorrow he'll be all over me and then he fucked
me. Yeah, because that's what it looks like. Put your clothes on,
go change in the room. Thank you. That being said, Jordan
is so fucking hot. I mean I would do it. My wife.
If a girl has taking her clothes off in the same room where I was,
just because I think she said it was for expediency of getting into these
my wife would attack her. My wife. One time a girl gave me
at like was touching my shoulders. We were over at the abbey. My
wife was going to beat that girl's ass. Yeah. Someone gave my boyfriend
a sticker, and that sticker is on my water bottle. Now I took
it from him. There you go. Yeah, mark your territories and she
marked me. Little did she know. Yeah, Hey, thank you for
the sticker. Be on me next time. Thank you. Hey. So
this is a fun aspect of the show. This is when they break down
the fourth wall and they address that in the Bravo world that they're all talking
shit about each other. There you go, rubies. Uh. This is
when they schwartz Jason Amanda discuss how Amanda went Britney Spears in that bathroom at
bravocon Oh. Yeah, I like how they can at least acknowledge that,
let's stark fake, how we're all here, Like, at least there's these
little relationships. Yeah, and acknowledged Jason is dating Gizelle, but also Jason
is thirty six, question mark. I know Kyle's fifty four, but I
didn't know he's he. Yeah, he's a real person. Yeah, he's
a real person. And so is Gizelle. And Gizelle is older than that.
Probably I think she's fifty. I will say this, Jason is and
hangs on miss me with the bullshit. Gizelle gets your dick, okay,
oh yeah, but also age discrepancies or age discrepancies. I do think it's
weird that Leo DiCaprio does what he does, and it makes me sad that
Leo DiCaprio does what he does because Leo times up. Everyone's gonna get fed
up with it. Okay, so just find in a mall. No one's
gonna find in a mall, but find someone a mall. Stop dating children
because people are fucking creeped out by it, now right, you're supposed to
be a professional. George Clooney did it? You can too, Okay?
Yeah? Can I talk about this in Game of Roses terms? Okay?
So I love them all right? So I think Katie Flood is annoying as
she was in this episode following Swartz around like a puppy dog. At least
she has a strategy in mind. She's pointed, she's fixed her eyes at
the wrong mark. There's no way Swartz is ever gonna turn this into a
relationship. There's no after the after filming with this relationship. So I think
that's a misstep on her part. But if you think about it, the
I appreciate the play, but Riley major missteps. She's walking around making small
talk, asking if you are Riley's Anne she is. She's like walking into
conversations like, hey, have you ever got it? A Cariboo's walking around
with fish, trying to show people how to how to field dress them,
and people are like that smells and she's like, no, no, I
know, I know, but look but look like I don't want to put
my hand in it. Yeah yeah, I kind of want to. And
someone's I'll try, and they like cut themselves on like one of their sharp
like like hollow ribs bones, and she's like, I'll quit being a fucking
pussy. Well my point here is you can see people that certainly come in
with a game plan. Riley has no game plan. Why are you making
out with fabio. Yeah, he's a town. She's unhounced Patrick. She's
here for a good time. That's right, she can't have a plan,
But it's also that's such a good point. She has a roof over her
head and a shower that that she doesn't pump. Yeah, so that's I
mean, that's cool. There are no there's no one around maybe Casey who's
going to stab her in her sleep. Yeah, And it would just be
for fun if Casey did it. And that's something that Riley has to deal
with a lot, and that's sad. Let me wrap this point up.
Jordan has a plan. She's not going to hook up with anybody. She
sees this as I think this is like a cachet of like, I am
going to leave everybody with blue balls this season so fucking hot, you guys
will invite me back onto another season. Yeah, I'm just saying the strategies
are there. People are playing the game somemore, and if my strategy falters
and I do try to hook up with somebody, rendering that entire thing useless,
I will say that it was the universe and that my vagina is no
longer into that person, not his girlfriend being here so hand of the snowboarding
instructor is there because the whole town is invited, and Flip Cup has played,
and we talk about Tom and Flighty a little bit more, and Tom
is outside. He looks like he is on a Counting Crows album. And
can we get out of here? Can the SunFall? Can the sun fall?
Now? We got to stay here for a little while. Okay.
I want to Kyle and Amanda and that fake TV relationship. If Andy only
invited one of them back for the next two years, like they would,
they would play ball with that, in my opinion, And if it were
Amanda, it would be fucking hilarious. I would love that. It would
let the Leprechaun sit at home and stare at a fucking wall instead of walking
around in the snow and peeing all over the goddamn place. All right,
can we get to nighttime? This is where we cut to. This is
Danielle and Alex. I didn't know that they hit it, but they did.
Yeah, well really quickly. Batman is once against, once again dominated
by a female stranger. She I think face pushes him out of the way
and calls him a dweeb, and Jason commends Corey on staying strong again,
Corey has it's not so much that he's stayed strong as he got and grew
disinterested, but there was a window where there was no strength and only openness
because he was in a gray area with someone who he just spit on,
and now he's in a loving relationship. He really has Casey to think because
had she not called Sam trash, he never would have had to admit that
he does indeed have a girl. Great point, night falls, Danielle and
Alex are fucking and Batman is asking someone if her eyes are real. Again,
He's just gay, He's heterosexual. He's not a ladies man. I
will say, someone does a worse job of trying to project masculinity. At
some point. Hollis, that's the towny. You know. He goes,
he's sitting by the like the kitchen count of there. Yeah, and he
asks a girl, He goes, do you know who's awesome? And then
she goes, Now he goes any points of the girl that's next to him,
and he says this one. Yeah, that's Hollis's moment. Yeah.
Yeah, Hollis is a great name. Yeah, that's great. Yeah,
it's a great name for a bearded white man. Nothing else, maybe a
cat, Hey, dyl can I do this part? Of course? Okay,
So Brian, he feels dejected, you know, having that girl push
his face off and call him a dub. He goes out, He meets
with Kyle, and Jason's out there and he shares that girls just aren't feeling
him. Yeah, they go outside to piss all over. He sure,
yeah, yeah, and Kyle is always he's there as a pyramid of wisdom.
And this is what he told that young man pictures in my life slip
up by some fucking Yeah, he's the next Oprah, Yes he is.
Yeah. You get a stream, and you get a stream, and he's
perfected his kegel work so he can cut it off without his dick feeling like
it's on fire, so he can piss on everybody. Jason tells him law
of averages. You know you're pathetic as a man when another man says,
are you're not getting any p law of averages, dude, No one goes
zero for one hundred data. Fifty year old Batman might he won't actually be
kind of cute, but you wouldn't be approved Batman hooked up with someone already
earlier in the night. Yeah, who escaped? She left right Berkesham not
that Jewish. So Alex after he bangs Dan Yell is being accosted. Okay,
Hannah, First, this woman after making out with Malia, is all
over Alex. You can see it in her eyes. They're drunk, they're
sagging, and they're fucking thirsty for Alex. And then the redhead she wants
it bad. The redhead walks up to Alex and she essentially listen. He
distur he said, hit me up on Instagram. Yes, so what the
road connecticate? The calculation that she made here was a miscalculation. And when
you pull this type of move, you have to be one hundred percent positive
of the situation that the person that your mark is in. Yeah, the
ball has to be at the backstop if you're going to steal home. It
can't be right underneath the catcher's ass. No, And when you can see
the catcher trying to pull it out from his ass, and you still walk
to go back, run back over from third and then you like check your
hair on the way there, and then he pulls the ball and it's in
his hand, but you still keep walking over Tag. You're out that's what
she did. And then the umpires were like no, no, no,
you can't get the run. And then she was like, no, excuse
me, and she keeps walking to home base. That's what happened. What
happened actually was she was hitting on him and leaning in for a kiss and
he said hit me up on Instagram, and then she walked into a wall.
And the whole thing was really bad. And a lot of our fans
have commented about how awful the show is, right, and they're categorically correct.
But what I will say a point of contention that a lot of fans
have made is that or just that they have the fact that these men are
doing what they are doing to women is fucking disgusting. It's a sad state
of affairs. I think the Mayans wrote it down on one of their tablets
as one of the you know, they didn't have the Horsemen of the Apocalypse
or whatever, those kookie Mexicans. But this is a sign of a culture
going wrong. When Alex is making women walk into walls and Corey is spinning
in people's faces, I mean, it's just bad. Or how about when
a girl goes to be confided in hey, this guy that I had sex
with twenty minutes ago, and the fluids haven't even dried on the pillow,
right, and he's trying to fuck somebody else. And then one of your
friends and Amanda goes, let me think about this, okay, So let's
talk about all of the girls gathering around Danielle for what is a kind of
support held at gunpoint. I I don't want to be and I've said again,
I've said time and time again, down with the patriarchy, right,
But I'm one of these bros that watching this episode, I genuinely see zero
wrong with what Alex did. He just refused numerous women who were trying to
hook up with him. And because Dylan he's welcoming it and playing the game
too, He's like, if he could be having his own Patrick Patrick's out
voted here, but pat like genuinely hates Alex nobody. I also hated Danielle
last season, and now I'm starting to hate her again at the tail end
of this episode because she keeps walking into the firing squad, Like, at
some point, you've got to understand that you're dating a guy who's effing a
guy who's telling you thank you for not cursing. Yeah, yeah, that
I have. I really don't care about your feelings. I'm going to have
sex with you, sure, and then twenty minutes later I will hit on
someone. And if that doesn't work for you, that's fine, But don't
scream at me and then fuck me because I'm going to not change. But
also go ahead. I don't think he's hitting on anybody. No, So
I was going to say, when someone comes up to you, and this
is what this girl did. She literally came up to him and she said,
I'm leaving and I think you're cute. And what happens next is that
they get their shit and they leave with you. But that's impossible in the
situation. He's filming a show. He has no interest in you. You
haven't been speaking, and you're not hot enough to do this to him,
right so, but the only way for him to not what is he supposed
to punch her in the face. He literally put his hands up in the
air like he was being all said, I'll make I'll add a finer point
to what Ruby's saying. I think he was interested. I think he wants
to fuck them, and that is to try to say that he's not allowed
to want to fuck them is delusional and incorrect. He wants to have sex
with the Redhead and Hannah at the same time, or one after another.
Wait outside, take a ticket, but he's actively saying or you can watch,
yeah, but stay back. He's actively saying no to them, and
Danielle is freaking the fuck out. Let me take me. I'm a blackout
drunk. Hold on, let me speak to respect and intimacy and thirty seconds
on the clock. Okay, okay, you have sex with a girl.
He is. He is strategically putting himself a distant away from her to make
him look like he is still available. You are post coitus. Sorry for
the old person term. You have your arm around the girl that you just
had sex with and you should be comforting her. No, I guess winter
House. Yeah yeah, And that doesn't mean that you're wrong. It's just
that me and Ruby think you're wrong. Right. Also, it means you're
wrong because Amann has said it earlier. She was like, the problem with
Danielle and these types of flings is when you break up with people and then
you start to have your first whatever after your breakup, and you've stalked your
boyfriend twice to try to make your get back together with you. You expect
respect and you're not going to get that. You are exchanging fluids with this
person who's essentially a random person that you basically met and suit at a bar.
He is a sea rat, he doesn't give a shit about you.
And the biggest flirt senior and then the parentheses best hair second place. So
Danielle, no, you don't get an arm around you. You just get
him not fucking the girl in front of you. You're a point and the
tail end of this episode, I was there with both of them. Okay,
Danielle, you now know what you've You bought the horse and you're gonna
take and you fucked it. Yeah, and guess what, it doesn't milk.
Now. So Danielle gets all of the girls around her because she is
a magnet for horseshit and melodrama, and she starts crying and and excommunicates Amanda
for having to think about what Danielle is going through. Uh, Danielle,
you got to lay off the sauce. It's also tough because you want to
be like a good girl's girl and be like fuck him. Yeah you you
girl do it. But it's also like, I don't know that I want
to wind up this nuclear bomb because this is our living situation. And she
is out of control. And aka Riley aka Alaskan Wilderness walks in with an
over alers want to skin this day fun. The antlers haven't shedded yet,
but they're starting to. And she's like, I wanted to show you guys
what Riley. She's crying right now. No, no, I know,
but look, Riley, you're getting blood. I don't even know it's that
plasma you're getting. It's so gross. She's like, whatever, fucking pussies,
But you know what Riley needs to do here, all right? Because
we love Riley. You know what I've mentioned. Riley is sat right where
you are on this couch. Great friend of the show, Riley. If
I could advise her as like her fucking reality TV agent, right, here's
what you're doing. You're a Barry Gordy. I'm Barry Gordy. Okay,
here's what you do here, Riley go to the Arry Gordy voice, though
I was Berry Gordy. Hey, here here's what you're gonna do. You're
gonna walk in that house. His guy's name Corey. He's tall, he's
goofy looking, he's fat, all right, cup his ball, spit in
his mouth. Okay, amen, amen, you own that man right.
Don't make out with locals, and don't kill vermin with your mouth. Turns
b along just covered in blood oliver her face. So Casey is the perfect
person to kick everybody out. Yep, Eryl, get the fuck out,
and Danielle continues to be a fucking nightmare. Alex decides rightly, so let's
not because she is insane now. Unfortunately for him, he is stuck in
these walls and this is going to be over in five days. And he
is a he's a sea rat and a bit of a ladies man, so
he is thinking with his dick and thinking, you know, there's no free
meals in life, and I've got one right here. She may be out
of her mind, but she is letting me slam away at her. So
I'm going to just, you know, stay in the pocket. But we
get to Tom and Katie, the snow rats, they start eating. What's
going on? We've got the homeless and Camon the Oh yeah, that's Marty's
house, I think. Yeah, the fans want an update on that.
You know Marty and I are friends again. She backed me heavily when those
three zombies try to beat me. Sure. Yeah, but she is taking
Gaza refugees into her backyard, right, and that's good for her. But
there are a lot of them back there. She well, you know she's
got that that force and teller on vander Pump rules from last season. Oh
that's right, yeah, yeah, he was the one that said that you
should bring them in. He's very active on X. So Danielle says she
hates Alex again, and then Danielle heads down to talk to Alex. The
anger is gone and the embarrassing questions are back. Do you like me?
No? No, kind of annoy me right now. I want to say
this about him. You can't train, which she's trying to attempt to because
she's like, you're not gonna do this to me anymore, right, And
he's like, I don't know. You can't train a sex addict that happens
to be simultaneously very good looking. I know he's not your type, Dylan,
No, I think he's handsome. Okay, they're not like a bear
at the fucking circus. You know, you got that fucking barrier on a
bicycle rolling around there. Right, yeah, you can train that, but
you can't. You can't train Alex. Did those ever exist? Of course?
Oh? Yeah? See the videos are like a grizzly bear riding a
bicycle? Did you or judicy? Fake drawings? No, it's real.
Who came up with that idea? Russians? I say, we put it
on the wheel. It's too big for a will? No, we can
you imagine? They're so proudly this guy was human killing machine hours ago.
Now look at him riding a mountain bike. Yeah. And the way they
trained it was every time it got upset, they smashed it over the head
with a bottle of vodka and broke its will. And then the third generation
of grizzly Bears just came out riding. And that's generational trauma, right,
or wealth, depending on how you look at it. So yep. So
after a week, Corey finally invites Sam to the house. I love the
grap I love the gratefulness that she has. She's like, oh my god,
really, are you sure? They text like a seventeen magazine article when
you're like, how to get your crush say hey to you before summer starts.
That's what their relationship is. Hey, miss you suplu. What's the
right thickness of spit? What's thickness? Lol? So Schwartz and Katie finally
do the thank god, Oh they don't. Well, they hook up.
They rolled around Pg. Thirteen in the fucking bathroom. Why were you in
there? By sea red after c rat? Oh what are you guys doing?
It's not Katie's mommy, and it's not even Sandy. It's Malia and
Asha. And there's eight bathrooms in this house. Hey, get out of
here, go pee somewhere else. The bra is outside of the door,
right, there are seventy three other bathrooms. Malia, close your eyes plus
truck outside. Yeah, like someone has contact solution and if they don't,
you have to burn your eyes for a little bit or throw your contacts out
it. Don't be a fucking loser, Milia. So, Danielle and Alex
bang each other, and that's when Asha scratches her ass and heads into piss
al over Tom and Katie. The we end the night with a bed situation.
Once again. It's like a Russian Roulette of zz. This is We
talked about it last week. Ruby brought it up. No no, no,
no, you can't come in here, and I can't do a thing
where I don't know where I'm sleeping. We talked about it many moons ago,
when we talked about not going places when you're younger. Yeah, I'm
nineteen. Let's take a multi layover flight to Aspen. White privileged little shits,
you know what I mean. But no, I'm thirty whatever. Now
I need a bed, and I need it to not be in a room
with three other beds. But it's winterhouse. You know. That took way
too long. No, no, but I need you to not be in
my bed when I go to get in it bright the way, you can't
be in my bed. Yeah, so let's get to the next morning.
Next morning, what is up with the blinking phones? Why did the sea
rats all have the blinking alarms? I hate that so much. Do you
know what I mean? They all have the blinking alarms. Well, I
think they have to get up early. Maybe you can get up. It's
just odd to me. Not when you're drinking out all night, getting blackout
drunk? You know, is the light what wakes them? Because I don't
think it is. I think it's the aggressive sound of an alarm that would
wake one. It isn't that the light. That's just annoying my wife.
My wife's alarm is birds. How do you wake up to that? It's
birds? That's the way you should wake up. I know it's beautiful.
Hey can I wake up to? Hey? Can I do it? Meanwhile,
Brian, he tells Katie he feels so bad. He told Asha h
she was a cucumber and not a kiwi uh huh. And Katie says,
that's okay, John, she doesn't know you exist. Yeah, and neither
do I is your name John, because that's kind of the disrespect that he's
been a Yeah, well he's a ladies man Patrick, So it's hard.
Riley's on the show What Happens Nothing? They talk about Danielle and then another
really this is this was peque Danielle making me want to escape my skin.
Someone I think Brian walks in or somebody walks in and says it smells it
was a Schwartzy question. This has got to be a schwartz question. What
swartz? He walks in. It was Alex and Danielle and he's like,
hey, it smells like I don't know gross in here? Yeah, he
goes did you guys smoke in here, and Danielle says, no, we
just had sex stop someone. You know, we just watched training day and
when Danzel puts that bigpen in Snoop's throat so that he can throw up the
crack rock, that's what I want myself to do. To me. When
Danielle volunteers that she's sexually active, because no one needs to know that everyone
already does. It doesn't need to be said aloud. You're being pathetic,
the little hole that she kept making me want to crawl to the bottom of.
Every time she would do something like this, She's just thought to myself,
you're making me want to dig. You're making me want to dig.
I'm just dig dig dig dig dig. That's what you're making me do.
Danielle, Can I say this, though I hated the whole Uh, you
didn't invite me to your engagement party whatever bullshit last summer. Yeah, I
need to see where her journey what happens? You know? Oh yeah,
yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. When did you find out? Oh?
Three days ago? Oh? I found out an hour ago. I found
out out, Well, we had to fly here. I live with them.
I found out one hour ago. Can you believe that I found out?
And when did you find out? Oh? The same because you guys
flew in one hour ago from me. Schwartz is dreading the reunion fucking screen,
and Riley is on this show Jordan loves brunch. Wait, we talked
about this. My mom is dead, right, her mom's dead, and
another another. I don't know. I'm sure this is not appropriate to say,
and I'm sorry, but she's DJ loves brunch, loves onesies, rode
horses. I mean, if you, if you didn't see her, you
would be like, oh, that's so. That's a boring white girl who
brushes her hair five times a day. Yes, but it's not so.
They make jackets. I don't know why they make onesies. I don't know
why they're doing this. But Jordan gets in her bra and underwear in front
of Alex and we've talked about her so fucking hot. This is Can I
just say no, don't? Corbella is poured and we get to brunch.
Jordan had a brunch last on her season of Martha's Vineyard to celebrate her celibacy,
and then she begins to talk about how she can't have sex with somebody
that she doesn't love because it's an energy transfer. Ha. I'm not like
you, Danielle. But also I what you're talking about isn't interesting yeah or
true anyway, So no more. So quick question past the pancakes. But
do you think that she would have also not that the energy exchange would have
been as important to her if Alex and Corey wanted to fuck her the first
night and they weren't drunk or no. Yeah, that's a great question.
She just wanted kisses with Corey. If she hooks up with no one this
season, I have a theory she had a relationship off the TV. Nah,
that's nasty. You think I wouldn't put it past him? All right?
So Batman, Oh yeah, Batman, Hey, I just want to
let you know I hooked up with some rando. That's stupid, bitch,
you know. Yeah. But I'm so happy that you guys have accepted me,
you know. Yeah. And it's that line that much like you're digging.
My nails are coming off and I'm starting to hit lava because he says,
this is who I am. Get me my shovel through the world in
eighty days, whatever it is. I am so far into the earth with
these people now, it's worth mentioning. Ruby and I talked this off.
Mike Dylan was arguing with his football Fantasy football Well, I'll not be gas
led by people in my fantasy football league. Right. We're approaching trade deadline
and it's just not the time for teams who have no chance to be giving
teams that are going to win the league weapons and and I'll spare that league.
I did veto it because I don't know if you guys are trading bitcoin
behind our backs, but this is unethical. Well you and I'll be the
bad guy, right, I'll be the bad You were hute about that.
Ruby and I were having a very intense conversation about Kermit aka Aisha and her
leaving the house, which I don't think we covered yet, but she tries
to sneak out of the house and I don't. I don't know if Ruby
agreed with me. As much of a TV personality Kermit is. I think
she's weirded out by all these people. There's so much narcissism. I think
she is a clean spirit and there's way too much fucking, you know,
fakeness in this house for her to take. Yeah, I totally agree with
you. I think she was disgusted by both the filth and the amount of
narcissism. Patrick made a really really good example of when she is trying to
have a conversation with Corey and she's like, oh, like, we're having
eggs for breakfast and music. Oh yeah, I love eggs. Eggs are
the best. Eggs are the best. Who are you guys talking about?
Uh? Kermit, we like Kurmit. I think her and Riley this is
overwhelming for them. Oh despite them being on multiple seasons of Below Deck,
they're at least working doing things on that show. Here you have to make
hay out of nothing. You're like, hey, go fucking make out with
that. Pat Riley and Ash are both to cerebral and intelligent to stomach being
around these people. I will say, I do want so badly. I
want Riley and Jordan to get in a blackout fight, not physical. I
want an emotional or a verbal like I fucking said it nineteen fucking times,
because I think it would be oh, don't talk to me that way.
Yes, So we get the morning merry go round of what happened last night
boring, and then Corey, Hey activity today? Uh, because I like
winning, and he said that he's no, no, no, no,
no no, he said, I like athletics and winning at things. Yep,
yeah, he said this. If fentanyl was a person, it would
be Corey. He is just lethal and dumb and should be illegal and what's
the point. And he comes from China. What am I doing? Am
I own fentanyl right now? He's not fentanyl, He's he's like a right,
He's like a dick pill that you get at a gas station. He's
like an inspired ad film. Yeah. If a dick pill that you got
at a gas station was a person, that'd be Corey. I like athletics
and winning at things. The only business that he could ever have any success
in is gym's and I'm happy that he's found that. We'll see. So
Schwartz leaves and he goes from not wanting Floody to saying things like I need
you, and Katie reminds sports that he's forty, and they spoon each other.
So Schwartz leaves. When we get to flag football, Batman's Yep,
I'm sorry. I need to take at least forty five minutes to talk about
the state of Schwartz's suitcase. Ye anyone, anyone I would say over the
age of in my personal opinion fifteen, but I'll give you twenty five.
Anyone who's doing this in their thirties or above needs to look inward. Well,
Ruby, these people are all on the brink. Dylan, that suitcase,
could you I want to fast forward? Could you imagine if God forbid
Schwartz is ever one of those people or TSA is like, sir, can
you open your suitcase and take out here? He's like, no, I
can't throw it out right, Just let's do this, throw it out.
It may treat this, this suitcase as a half drunk bottle of a Just
I'll wheel it over for you guys, throw it out. That's what it
made me feel. He would put his shoes on his bed. So Schwartz,
Lee's when we get to the flag football at this flag football, No,
just Amanda saying that she doesn't like activities, blanket activities. She takes
one in the face, and she takes one in the face. Kyle wants
to pee again, and Alex goes over and says that he resents Danielle because
she's a stage four clinger and a bipolar drunk BPD baby. Casey is reffing
she's incredible. She's incredible, and Floody does not think that Schwartz is coming
back because of her. And I have to say, I cannot wait for
next week. I am so sad that you're going to be zooming in because
next week we get to meet the maggots that gave birth to Corey and more
funds. I cannot wait to meet those two. Those two are the man
and woman who they stood in there on their lawn and they made sure no
one was getting in their house, and they had their degal and their AK
forty seven. They're a little cooler, but they are of those people,
and they've ruined a human being and it's not their fault because they themselves are
ruined human beings. And I can't wait to talk about them. I mean,
Christmas Morning iteenes ready to reviews five stars, Patreon dot com, Slash
another podcast network. It's good to laugh. I mean, I am heated
up about this trade thing. I mean, we'll talk about it on APS.
That will be one of the we'll do that quickly. We'll talk about
much funnier and more important thing, of course, yes, but really quickly.
We already did ratings and reviews. Getting the five stars, get in
the five stars, leave the five stars. We love you guys so much.
Piet our girl on TikTok, I'm Dylan saying goodbye, Pat, say
goodbye, Ruby, bye bye. There's a lot of stuff on TV,
but not all of it. It's good Jim Track a lot of it. Chad TV