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This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're
listening to KFI AM six forty, the

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Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on
the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty.

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You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show

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on a Beautiful Mother's Day. If
it is a beautiful Mother's Day, depending

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on the mother you had or have, I guess we're going to be talking

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a lot about the complicated relationships many
of us have with our moms. We

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also want to talk during the show
today about some phrases that people use very

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commonly in their adult romantic relationships that
can be very hurtful and not very functional.

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And also some things you should be
saying. And if you're a mom,

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I am going to pull you off
the guilt train, because it is

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hard to be a good mom in
a hostile world that doesn't support motherhood.

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I have a researcher at the end
of the show from the University of Ohio

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who's going to talk to us about
a study she did, and of that

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study of a thousand mothers, she
found that fifty two percent we're not talking

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to their adult daughters. We will
unpack this. Okay, hang with me.

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First of all, I want to
say, hello, Raoul in the

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booth. You are training a new
person. Ed, Hi, Ed,

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how are you? You don't have
a mic? There you go? Awesome?

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How are you good? Welcome to
the show. Thank you so much.

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Happy Mother's Day to you, Mother's
Day to my signific other my family

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members out there. Happy Mother's Day
to all my sisters. Oh that's wonderful.

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Thank you. Mark Ronner. Do
you have a mother? My mom

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is no longer with us. I
hope she is at piece. My grandparents

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kind of raised me. So when
I think of Mother's Day, I think

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of my grandmother. Yeah, it's
mother figures, is what it is.

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Producer Kayla, how are you hey? Doctor Wendy who also lost your mom

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early? I did early Mother's Day
bring up for you the sadness, sadness,

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sadness. But I do have amazing
siblings and we lean on each other

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and we always and I love you
text messages and just yeah I got my

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siblings. But yeah, definitely rough. And you know, Mother's Day also

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is one of those Hallmark holidays,
folks. Let's just remember it's designed to

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sell flowers and brunch and champagne and
chocolate and whatever. So let's not make

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as much out of it as we
think we should. On the other hand,

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there is this nice day of the
year where it's good to celebrate mothers.

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I happen to be at it,
like a takeout Delhi getting a picnic

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to go hiking this morning, and
I was seeing all these dads and kids

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buying takeout food and there wasn't a
mother in sight. And my friend who

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was with me said, I thought
it was Mother's Day. Why aren't the

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mothers with their kids? And I'd
like, no, no, no,

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the mothers are at the spas,
or the mothers are in bed sleeping in

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That's the whole point of Mother's Day, to take a rest. When my

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kids were young, they used to
make me breakfast and sometimes very runny eggs

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and sometimes tea made out of hot
tap water. But it was very sweet

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for them to bring me back breakfast
in bed. Now both my kids are

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ones living in Paris and one's up
in Santa Cruz, so I did get

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some texts and love. But I
have to say, you know, last

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week I was telling you that I'd
moved again, and one of the things

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I love about moving. Besides perching
and throwing away things, makes me so

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great is digging out. You know
that Marie Condo woman, that one who

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does the whole makeover thing and makes
you put all your junk in the middle

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of the room. Everything you own, not that kind of junk, Kayla,

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and you're stuff. And then she
makes you like look at it and

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hold it in your hand and say, does this thing bring me joy?

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And if it doesn't, throw it
away. So her belief system, and

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I believe this too, that when
we keep stuff on the back shelf down

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below, in drawers, in closets, stuffed away, they still exist and

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the memories and feelings associated with those
items in the background of our brain.

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So when we get a chance to
pull the stuff out, it can and

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if we throw it away, we
can throw away the memories and all the

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trappings, the negative feelings. If
it's meant that to happen. But I

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had the opposite thing happen to me. I was going through old boxes and

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I found so many Mother's Day cards
from my kids. Think of it,

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two kids eighteen Mother's Day times two
that's thirty six mother cards. Sometimes they

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had to make one at school and
another one at home, and one with

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a babysit or whatever. So and
I kept them all so it's not like

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they have to do more than a
text and a little FaceTime video for me

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anymore, because there's nothing more sweet
than opening up a card from fifteen years

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ago and saying you're the best mommy
in the world. And you know the

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crazy little drawings they would do of
me. I had very weird hair and

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weird hands in those pictures, but
I spent I shed a few tears reading

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some of those because those were really
great years. Motherhood is hard, Motherhood

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is a burden, motherhood is taxing, and motherhood is one of the most

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meaningful things that eighty percent of women
do. I say that because I want

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to remind everybody that through the history
of our human species, evolutionary psychologists will

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tell you that twenty percent of human
females do not biologically reproduce. Why we

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needed a mom and a spare right, We needed extra women in the village.

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Anthropologists call them aloe mothers or aloe
parents. Those are the cousins and

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sisters and aunties and uncles and brothers
and other people who don't bear kids who

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help us because we are cooperative readers. So I want to tell you a

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little bit about the story of my
mom. She in many ways was a

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single mother because my father was in
the Navy, and he was gone most

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of the time. He was gone
in an inconsistent path at least seven months

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a year, right, so she
really did the burden of raising the three

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of us. We were often living
on foreign military bases with no family support.

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She often found the church as her
base. You know, we'd find

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whatever parish. And my mother did
two wonderful things for me and a couple

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not wonderful things for me. And
this is how you can tell somebody had

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as a good, healthy relationship with
their mother, moll. My mother died

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of breast cancer when I was thirty. But is like if you asked somebody

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about their mother. Let's say you're
going on a date with somebody and say,

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tell me about your mother. Or
you're a therapist who say you tell

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me about your mother. If they
do one of two extremes, if they

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say, oh, my gosh,
I had the best mother in the world.

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She was so perfect. I loved
it. She baked cookie, she

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drove me where we were, actually
dedicated herself to me it was so great,

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or they say my mother was all
rotten and awful and I don't talk

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to her. You know, you
got two issues there that are both issues.

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Right. To have a healthy perspective
of parenthood is we start to look

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back and see them as human beings
and realize that they often did the best

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that they could with the tools that
they had that they you know, are

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humans who are going to make mistakes. So here's what my mom did.

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Great. She was really really good
at taking care of us when we were

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sick. I mean, I have
this memory of me that's embedded. When

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you're sick, you got wrapped in
a little blanket, put in front of

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a rocking chair, on her lap, in front of the fire, and

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she would sing a lullaby and rock
us with a little baby tail in all.

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Whatever they gave back that expect then
they were giving us two twenty twos

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in Canada. Do you know what
two twenty twos are? Ka lops?

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Sounds like I get your high.
They've got codeine in them. Oh god,

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I think you can go to Canada
Pharmacy dot com right now, you

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can. She was getting us high. But anyway, she was really good

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on the other hand, she had
a little bit of munchhause, and by

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proxy she would over rely on doctors. I have since read research on munchaus

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and by proxy it didn't even have
a name until the seventies. It's not

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that mother's deliberately make their kids sick, and they want their kids to be

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sick, but it's their overattention to
every ache and pain that a kid has.

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Naturally that the kid realizes, oh, if I'm more sick, I

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get more love. And when I
say, the kid realizes, not mentally,

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they don't consciously do it. Their
body gets sick. Their body cooperates

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because the mother and child function as
one thing. So there's the downside of

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it. Then the other side is
my mom was the greatest champion of me.

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She told me I could do anything, and that I could. I

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mean she would do things like one
time she read a biography written by this

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woman who is on the West coast
of Canada. We lived on the East

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coast of Canada. It's like someone
in New York right into somebody in La

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or So or San Francisco, and
so my mom reads it. This woman

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started a bird sanctuary somewhere. My
mom reads this book, reads it to

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us, thinks it's so amazing she's
done this with her life. She writes

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to her. The woman writes back, Okay, this is the seventies,

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right, early seventies. There's no
internet, writes back, And so my

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mom says, we're going on a
vacation there now. We loaded up the

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station wagon and we drove three thousand
miles. We bought a boat. We

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went out to her island. We
slept on the boat and visit her in

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a bird sanctuary. But what was
she teaching me? Everybody's equal, everybody's

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accessible. You can go anywhere,
do anything if something interests you. That's

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the best part. The worst part
is she didn't understand that the world could

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be dangerous, and she sent me
out into places that were often unprotected.

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And so again this is a healthy
version of looking at your parent. They

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did great things, they made a
few mistakes. I learned through this they

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grew the gap. We're going to
talk later in the show more about motherhood.

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Also, I was a single mother
for eighteen years. I got a

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little bit advice of things that worked
for me. So, if you happen

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to be a new mother or a
mother of young kids, I'm going to

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give you some Auntie wisdom about how
you can do the best for your kids.

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We're also going to be talking about
your romantic relationships. In fact,

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we're going to do that, and
later in the show, I have a

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researcher coming on who talks about why
some mothers and daughters are a strange.

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A strange is that the right word? Astranged? Estranged, they're separated,

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they don't talk. I'll get them
mad at each other. Let's say that.

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But let's talk about your love relationships
first when we come back. There's

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certain things that people say, little
phrases that they're not even thinking, very

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thoughtless phrases that can be very damaging
in an adult intimate relationship. Let's talk

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about those phrases when we come back, and why you shouldn't say them and

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what you should say instead. You
are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show

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on kf I AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

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You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on
demand from kf I AM six forty KM

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six forty. You have Doctor Wendy
Walsh with you. This is the Doctor

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Wendy Walsh Show. I'd like to
welcome my Instagram audience. If you would

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like to come into the studio vision, you're welcome to log onto my Instagram.

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The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. That's at Dr Wendy Walsh.

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I am live on Instagram now.
People that have been telling me they've been

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watching all over the country and the
continent and indeed the world. That's what's

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so cool about social media. You
know, I have been a reminder after

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this segment, I'm going to open
up the phone lines and I'm going to

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be taking your relationship questions. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a

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psychology professor, but I have been
reading about and writing about the science of

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love for a few decades. I've
written three books on relationships. My dissertation

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was on attachment theory. And I'm
just obsessed with the biological, the psychological,

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and the sociological pieces of love and
I love to share the education with

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everybody. So I will be opening
up the phone lines after this segment and

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be taking your calls. I'm just
going to throw the number out there now,

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but you guys, if your KFI
listener, you know it. It's

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one eight hundred and five two zero
one kfi. That's one eight hundred five

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to zero one five three four.
But first, I have often said that

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relationships are far more about skill than
they are luck, and I will hear

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people often saying things like, you
know, if I could just meet the

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right one, or if it happens
for me. Well, first of all,

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love doesn't just happen, and you
don't just meet the right one,

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You actually become the right one,
and then more people are appropriate for you.

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Right. Relationships about learning skills,
and one of the most important skills

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to get you through your relationships are
conflict resolution skills. And I feel like,

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you know, maybe I'm wrong about
this, but I feel like more

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and more people seem to be losing
the ability to have good, healthy conflict.

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You know, the research shows that
the healthiest couples the ones who say

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they have the most feelings of well
being in their relationships, whose relationships last

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the longer, longest, and bring
them the most happiness, those relationships actually

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have the most amount of conflict.
Now bear me out. They're not knocked

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down, drag them out battles.
What they are are little border skirmishes all

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day long, little tiny negotiations of
boundaries so that everybody understands. You know,

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I always say a relationship is like
a ven diagram with two circles.

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Right, you got one partner and
the other partner, and they overlap in

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the relationships in the middle, and
so there's always going to be boundary negotiation

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on a regular basis. The problem
is when you get into conflict with somebody,

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if you have not been given healthy
conflict resolution skills as a child,

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you're going to be treading water and
you're gonna have a hard time swimming out

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of there. Right. Sometimes people
will say that people fight dirty with their

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language. Words matter. So let's
talk about some of the things people say

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in relationships during the heat of the
moment, which can cause more damage than

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good. Oh this is my favorite. I hear it all the time.

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You should know, You should just
know, right, like your partner's a

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mind reader. Like your partner is
supposed to figure out all the needs that

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you have. Now this is a
fantasy, right, It's like you've got

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this loss from childhood. You're mad
at whatever parent that didn't satisfy your needs.

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You pick this romantic partner and now
you expect them to be the mind

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reader. I've actually seen people post
in their dating profiles. I'm looking for

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somebody who just gets it, gets
what you and reads your mind. No,

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if you don't tell your partner what
you need, if you don't tell

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your partner where your boundary is,
you can't get angry with them that they

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were just being them and happen to
step on one of your boundaries. You

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can't say you should just know,
because nobody should just know. Now,

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there's two words in the heat of
the moment that also cause a lot of

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damage. Always and never, right, You always do that because you're never

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on time? Okay, really,
let's think about it logically. Is your

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partner one hundred percent always the bad
one in the situation, always making that

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same mistake one hundred percent? M
Is your partner never attending to whatever it

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is you want them to tend to. No, sometimes they do, and

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00:15:37.799 --> 00:15:41.720
sometimes they miss a beat. But
when you say always or never, what

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they're hearing is a global assessment of
character that they're a bad person. You

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00:15:46.559 --> 00:15:50.039
know, the saying, can you
tell a bad person they're bad, they

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get worse? They identify with that, all right, is it probably the

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worst thing that you could say to
me because I used to have a kind

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of anxious, ambivalent attachment style,
and I always felt like I was being

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pushed away, and I was attached
to avoidant people a little. I don't

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want to talk about it, That's
what they would say. I don't want

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to talk about it. And it
would be like this thing. I needed

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to talk about this thing, and
they'd say I don't want to talk about

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it, or they change the subject, change the channel, walk out of

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the room, be dismissive. You
know what. According to the work of

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the Gottman's up at the University of
Washington and the Marriage Lab, they say

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this is the number one thing that
will kill love because when a partner is

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dismissed, they will eventually find somebody
who will listen. And that will a

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person will either be a lawyer or
a lover. Right, So you can't

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You've got to find you. You
can say I can't talk about it now

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because I'm feeling overwhelmed by this topic. Could we talk after dinner when I've

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had some food, or could we
can I go for a walk and then

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and sort things out of my head
and then I'd like to address this with

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you. That's what you need to
do. Oh, here's a bad one,

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you guys. Please, It's along
the same lines. If I don't

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want to talk about it, it's
a I don't care. It's okay,

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say what you want, I don't
care, whatever, talk to the hand.

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00:17:11.680 --> 00:17:14.839
It's the same thing. Don't say
I don't care, don't say whatever.

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Don't say talk to the hand.
You can't be dismissive. You've got

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00:17:18.200 --> 00:17:22.200
to be there in it with the
person. And also, don't threaten divorce

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in the heat of a moment.
Do not threaten divorce. Instead, be

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00:17:27.680 --> 00:17:34.200
brave, listen, put yourself in
somebody else's shoes. Have some empathy for

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your partner, you know. Research
on long term committed partners who still love

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00:17:38.519 --> 00:17:44.000
each other finds that they really value
their partner. They continue to look up

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to their partner. They almost overvalue
their partner. So even if you were

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like looking at that relationship from the
outside, you'd be like, I don't

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00:17:52.200 --> 00:17:55.480
think that person is that great.
As long as the person in the relationship

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00:17:55.519 --> 00:18:00.079
thinks that person's great, that's all
that matters. It's really important that in

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the heat of the moment, you
don't forget who you fell in love with.

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You don't turn them into some evil
person in your mind. You've got

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00:18:10.160 --> 00:18:15.640
to take the moment to talk about
stuff that's tender and difficult. Don't walk

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00:18:15.680 --> 00:18:21.200
away, don't stonewall, don't dismiss
them, don't put them down because they

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00:18:21.279 --> 00:18:25.799
made mistakes. Instead, say hey, let me hear your side of it.

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I want to try to understand,
help me understand what you're experiencing.

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That's good conflict resolution. All right, when we come back, I am

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00:18:36.160 --> 00:18:40.799
taking your relationship questions. It's my
drive by makeshift relationship advice. Remember I

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00:18:40.799 --> 00:18:42.400
don't have a license. I'm a
psychology professor, so it's all in fun.

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00:18:42.680 --> 00:18:45.759
You can change your name if you
want. That's fine. I see

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00:18:45.799 --> 00:18:48.680
on Instagram a lot of you are
posting questions there. Pick up the phone

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00:18:48.720 --> 00:18:53.599
the numbers one eight hundred five two
zero one five three four. Producer Kayala

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00:18:53.680 --> 00:18:56.920
is going to open the phone lines
now. That's one eight hundred five two

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00:18:57.079 --> 00:19:00.680
zero one K five. You are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and

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00:19:00.839 --> 00:19:06.880
KA five Am six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're

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00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:12.279
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand
from kf I Am six forty Kaye Am

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00:19:12.319 --> 00:19:15.960
six forty. You have doctor Wendy
Walsh with you. This is the Doctor

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00:19:15.960 --> 00:19:21.119
Wendy Walsh Show. Okay, I
am taking your calls live and answering your

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00:19:21.240 --> 00:19:26.359
dms on social media. My social
everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh. The

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00:19:26.359 --> 00:19:30.200
phone number is one eight hundred and
five two zero one KFI. That's one

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00:19:30.240 --> 00:19:34.440
eight hundred five two zero one five
three four. Okay, roll, Who

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00:19:34.480 --> 00:19:41.039
do we have first? Michelle?
Michelle? Hello, Michelle, it's doctor

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00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:47.160
Wendy. Hi, Doctor Wendy.
Hi, we're a big fan. Thank

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00:19:47.160 --> 00:19:52.000
you. What's your question? How
long after dating somebody and you haven't met

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any of the friends or family?
Okay? Should you think that's a while?

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00:19:57.119 --> 00:19:59.720
Yeah, that's a while. Okay, So let me tell you.

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00:19:59.720 --> 00:20:03.960
I this book called the Boyfriend Test. How do we evaluate his potential before

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00:20:03.000 --> 00:20:07.880
you lose your heart? And that's
actually one of the questions in the ninety

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00:20:07.960 --> 00:20:14.000
day Probation Test of my book,
where I say, if you've gone like,

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00:20:14.039 --> 00:20:15.160
okay, it is important to cocoon
a little bit. Right. You

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00:20:15.200 --> 00:20:18.880
just meet somebody, you cozy on
down, go into your little cocoon,

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00:20:19.440 --> 00:20:25.039
but you also want to check them
out in terms of their social standing,

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00:20:25.079 --> 00:20:30.599
their career, their family. You're
investigating whether this person could take the job

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00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:33.160
as partner for life or partner for
a long period of time, right,

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00:20:33.559 --> 00:20:38.759
And so if they're hiding their friends
and family, you've got to ask yourself

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00:20:40.039 --> 00:20:44.200
why. So how long has it
been? Can I ask you, Michelle?

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Almost a year? Oh ohhh?
Okay, too long? And you've

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00:20:48.160 --> 00:20:52.559
brought it up a number of times. And what are their excuses? Well,

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00:20:52.599 --> 00:20:56.240
I mean, you know, I
understand about the child. I get

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00:20:56.240 --> 00:20:59.480
that the child's younger, so I
get that a divorced person, you know,

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00:20:59.599 --> 00:21:03.640
I understand not want to introduce,
you know, people that you're dating.

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00:21:03.160 --> 00:21:07.839
However, I'm talking about friends and
my just family. Yeah. So

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00:21:08.240 --> 00:21:14.960
yeah, why do you think he's
hiding you? I thought I think he's

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trying to figure out if this is
a long term as well. Okay,

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00:21:17.839 --> 00:21:21.079
well it's been a year, Michelle, it's been a year. It's enough

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00:21:21.119 --> 00:21:23.839
time to investigate. Have you done
enough investigation? Yes? And you've learned

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00:21:25.160 --> 00:21:29.559
that he's not disclosing enough about himself
and that's probably not going to work for

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00:21:29.599 --> 00:21:33.960
you, is my feeling. So
I would say this is way too long

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to go. This is my opinion, way too long to go, not

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meeting friends and family, and if
you want to set up a very clear

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00:21:41.200 --> 00:21:42.920
boundary, it says, Look,
if I'm not meeting your friends and family,

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00:21:42.920 --> 00:21:47.160
you're hiding me for some reason.
And this doesn't make me feel happy.

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So I'm probably gonna start to look
elsewhere and then move on. Yeah,

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00:21:51.960 --> 00:21:56.640
because this is not don't hang in
there. No, no, thank

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00:21:56.680 --> 00:21:59.200
you so much. You're welcome,
Michelle. Thanks recalling. I'm sorry.

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00:21:59.200 --> 00:22:03.079
I had bad news. Breaks my
heart. Give bad news. Okay,

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00:22:03.880 --> 00:22:07.720
who do we have? Producer?
Kayla or raul there roul? Who we

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00:22:07.720 --> 00:22:15.799
got? Next? We got somebody? I hear Kayla? Who do we

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00:22:15.839 --> 00:22:22.240
have? Kaylor? Jeremy, Hi, Jeremy. It's doctor Wendy. Hi,

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00:22:22.319 --> 00:22:26.440
how are you good? What's your
question? So my question is I

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00:22:26.440 --> 00:22:30.759
have a friend, um, and
he started dating in a single mom who

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00:22:30.839 --> 00:22:36.400
is a widow, and he isn't
sir if yeah, already has kind of

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00:22:36.440 --> 00:22:40.960
a little because you know, um, it's nothing personal against her, but

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00:22:41.480 --> 00:22:45.240
he does. He's not. He's
very This is the first person who's ever

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00:22:45.279 --> 00:22:48.240
dated who's ever lost a spouse,
and he really is kind of nervous about

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00:22:48.279 --> 00:22:52.240
the idea of like she seems very
accepting of him, but he's nervous about

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00:22:52.519 --> 00:22:56.559
is she really ready for a new
relationship or is he walking or is he

319
00:22:56.640 --> 00:23:02.880
stepping on toes? Or do you
happen to know how long ago she lost

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00:23:02.880 --> 00:23:07.680
her spouse. I'm about ten years
ago. Oh, ten years ago.

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00:23:07.839 --> 00:23:11.160
Well, I would hope someone's over
there grieving. And if they're still grieving

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00:23:11.240 --> 00:23:15.680
after ten years, then we would
call that complicated grieving and they should be

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00:23:15.720 --> 00:23:19.200
in therapy for sure. And so
the children can't be that young anymore.

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00:23:19.400 --> 00:23:25.160
If it's been ten years since this
single mom lost her you know, I

325
00:23:25.240 --> 00:23:27.640
think this is all they're in.
They're in there, they're in their teams.

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00:23:27.759 --> 00:23:33.039
They're teenagers. Yeah, that's usually
when mom say, Hey, they're

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00:23:33.079 --> 00:23:37.240
busy with their friends. I'm gonna
get busy with my friend. Uh this,

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00:23:37.440 --> 00:23:40.119
I don't think this is not a
problem. I don't think this is

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00:23:40.160 --> 00:23:42.720
a problem at all. I give
you green light or your friend's green light,

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00:23:42.799 --> 00:23:47.039
Jeremy, tell them to go for
it. Thanks so much for calling.

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00:23:48.599 --> 00:23:49.680
Okay, producer, Kayla, who
do we have now? We have

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00:23:49.799 --> 00:23:56.599
Sarah with a question. Hi,
Sarah, it's doctor Wendy. Hi.

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00:23:56.839 --> 00:24:00.680
Can you hear me? Yes,
I can hear you. Um, I

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00:24:00.759 --> 00:24:07.480
dated so much for decades and then
he moved away and it's been five years,

335
00:24:07.559 --> 00:24:12.240
and um, you know, I
spent like half of my life just

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00:24:14.400 --> 00:24:19.880
going out with him and he did
not marry me. But um, I

337
00:24:19.880 --> 00:24:26.799
would thinking that going out. Um
maybe, but I, um, what's

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00:24:26.839 --> 00:24:33.079
stopping you? Well, I'm not
working and I don't have enough funny to

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00:24:33.160 --> 00:24:41.200
go out, and I also I
think I'm just not very confident it's about

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00:24:41.839 --> 00:24:48.720
going out in meeting. So I'm
hearing two things, Sarah. One is

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00:24:48.759 --> 00:24:53.480
I'm hearing that there was this person
that you dated for ten whole years,

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00:24:53.920 --> 00:25:00.400
but that was five years ago,
and now you're still thinking about that person

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00:25:00.440 --> 00:25:04.000
a lot, right, No,
I went out with him for a decade,

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00:25:06.000 --> 00:25:08.880
more than thirty years. Now a
decade is ten years, so thirty

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00:25:08.960 --> 00:25:15.720
years you went out with him decades
decades, oh, thirty years. So

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00:25:15.799 --> 00:25:19.799
this is a very serious, long
term relationship. And it sounds like that

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00:25:19.880 --> 00:25:23.920
you haven't done the full work of
getting over the divorce. I know you

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00:25:23.960 --> 00:25:27.279
mentioned that you're not working and you
don't have a lot of self confidence,

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00:25:27.279 --> 00:25:33.039
etc. You know, you would
be a perfect candidate to go and see

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00:25:33.160 --> 00:25:37.160
a licensed therapist, and there are
ways to see a licensed therapist for cheap

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00:25:37.440 --> 00:25:41.759
or free calling. Every university that
has graduate program, for instance, in

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00:25:41.799 --> 00:25:47.519
psychology, has a counseling center where
they work for ten and twenty dollars an

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00:25:47.519 --> 00:25:51.839
hour. Even because it sounds like
you really need to do that personal work

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00:25:51.839 --> 00:25:57.200
on your self esteem and also to
get over that past relationship. So I

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00:25:57.279 --> 00:26:02.200
really encourage you, Sarah, to
reach out and get that help that you

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00:26:02.279 --> 00:26:04.759
deserve so that you can move on
with your life. Thank you so much

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00:26:04.799 --> 00:26:07.920
for calling. All right, are
we do? We have time for one

358
00:26:07.960 --> 00:26:10.200
more row? No, we're going
to break all right. When we come

359
00:26:10.200 --> 00:26:11.640
back, I'll still be taking your
calls and going to social media. The

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00:26:11.680 --> 00:26:17.319
numbers one eight hundred five two zero
one five three four. You are listening

361
00:26:17.599 --> 00:26:21.640
to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on
KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere

362
00:26:21.880 --> 00:26:26.480
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening
to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf

363
00:26:26.599 --> 00:26:33.880
I AM six forty. K f
I AM six forty, you have doctor

364
00:26:33.880 --> 00:26:37.200
Wendy Walsh with this with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.

365
00:26:37.240 --> 00:26:41.400
I'm taking your calls. The numbers
one eight hundred and five two zero one

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00:26:41.519 --> 00:26:44.400
five three four. Okay, producer
Kayla. Who do we have next?

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00:26:44.680 --> 00:26:48.480
We have Jeff with the question,
Jeff, Hi, Jeff is doctor Wendy.

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00:26:48.119 --> 00:26:52.240
How are you good? What's your
question? So? I have had

369
00:26:52.400 --> 00:26:56.279
a few friends and some of them
mad at college about four years ago about

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00:26:56.319 --> 00:27:02.279
us stalk with pretty too long.
Others A been friends, including a girl

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00:27:02.400 --> 00:27:07.079
that I have met way back when
I was in first grade and I have

372
00:27:07.200 --> 00:27:11.799
been best friends ever since, and
they want to have been trying to pressure

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00:27:11.839 --> 00:27:15.160
me into getting a girlfriend recently because
I used to be severely overweight and I've

374
00:27:15.240 --> 00:27:21.039
kind of had my goal a period
now. This particular girl they want me

375
00:27:21.079 --> 00:27:26.359
to go with is beautiful, but
she's an adult film star and a few

376
00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:30.119
times I've declined and trying to like
give hints that I'm not interested. Eventually,

377
00:27:30.160 --> 00:27:33.200
I had to tell this world that
I was friends with since I was

378
00:27:33.400 --> 00:27:38.359
in first grade, I'm sorry,
but I don't think your friend is the

379
00:27:38.440 --> 00:27:42.200
right and one for me. And
she, along with a few other her

380
00:27:42.279 --> 00:27:48.079
friends that I've had over various years, has said that I'm just insecure that

381
00:27:48.200 --> 00:27:52.039
I don't want well that and I
let me let me contradict your friends.

382
00:27:52.160 --> 00:27:57.119
Jeff. First of all, you
have a right to have any requirements or

383
00:27:57.160 --> 00:28:02.880
any boundaries that you would in a
partner. Now, while there be maybe

384
00:28:02.960 --> 00:28:07.000
many people out there who are happy
to date somebody who works in the adult

385
00:28:07.079 --> 00:28:11.240
film industry, if you have felt, because of your particular value set that

386
00:28:11.279 --> 00:28:15.160
this is not right for you,
this has nothing to do with you being

387
00:28:15.319 --> 00:28:21.039
insecure. This has to do with
a boundary that you're allowed to have.

388
00:28:21.599 --> 00:28:26.480
And it's perfectly okay to not say, oh, I'll date anybody who does

389
00:28:26.519 --> 00:28:30.240
anything in any way. You know, you have to figure out what you

390
00:28:30.359 --> 00:28:33.759
like and what works for you.
So, Jeff, you tell your friend

391
00:28:34.039 --> 00:28:40.480
you're not insecure, you just have
boundaries or standards. Thanks for calling,

392
00:28:40.559 --> 00:28:42.640
Jeff. Okay, who do we
have now, Producer Kayla, we have

393
00:28:42.759 --> 00:28:49.680
Yasmin with a question. Yasmin,
Hi, Yasmin hellos Hi doctor Hi Will?

394
00:28:49.839 --> 00:28:53.079
What's your question? Love? Yeah, I'm kind of shy, but

395
00:28:53.119 --> 00:28:57.319
I was like, I'm going to
call her. Good for you, thank

396
00:28:57.359 --> 00:29:02.759
you, So I listen. No
wonder full relationship like we had lots of

397
00:29:02.799 --> 00:29:06.559
fun. I was always in my
feminine energy. But the thing is we

398
00:29:06.599 --> 00:29:10.720
broke up due to him feeling behind
in his life. He was ten years

399
00:29:10.720 --> 00:29:15.599
older than me and so he just
had like a lot of financial troubles,

400
00:29:15.880 --> 00:29:18.759
and so I stayed with him.
I've been in X with that person for

401
00:29:18.839 --> 00:29:23.240
a whole year, and I was
always there for him. But I guess

402
00:29:23.240 --> 00:29:27.880
he became cold because we didn't get
We didn't have that connection anymore. He

403
00:29:27.960 --> 00:29:33.960
wasn't messaging me enough. And so
I really feel heartbroken because a few days

404
00:29:33.960 --> 00:29:38.200
ago he told me that he didn't
have the same feelings. So I truly

405
00:29:38.200 --> 00:29:41.720
feel devastated. From here on out, I know I need to heal.

406
00:29:42.039 --> 00:29:47.599
So my question is like, do
you recommend rotational dating? So like meeting

407
00:29:47.599 --> 00:29:53.200
with lots of men practicing just dating
but not being sexual. Do you think

408
00:29:53.240 --> 00:29:57.319
do you recommend that? Well,
let me tell you. I mean,

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I've been through lots of heartbreaks in
my own life, and I personally found

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that taking a little time to work
on things myself, going to see my

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therapist always worked better. On the
other hand, has somebody who talking about

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myself here, who you know had
sort of an anxious attachment style where I'd

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get too attached to people and the
wrong kind of people. There is some

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00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:30.480
value into interview I call it interviewing, not necessarily rotationally dating, But don't

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00:30:30.559 --> 00:30:33.279
water down the milk with too many
people, you know, date one or

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00:30:33.319 --> 00:30:37.000
two or three, tell them clearly, you're not going to have sex until

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00:30:37.039 --> 00:30:38.960
you decide kind of who you want
to have a relationship with. That's all

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00:30:40.000 --> 00:30:42.920
okay, And just practice your social
skills. You mentioned at the beginning of

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00:30:42.920 --> 00:30:47.240
this conversation that you're really shy,
so this is a great way for you

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00:30:47.279 --> 00:30:49.480
to practice your social skills. It
could work for you. But if you're

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00:30:49.519 --> 00:30:55.160
still in heartbreak devastating mode, it
means that you have to do some work

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00:30:55.200 --> 00:30:57.400
on yourself, right, You have
to do some healing work on yourself.

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00:30:57.640 --> 00:31:03.160
And you know, I don't know
that going out with a bunch of strangers

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is going to be the thing that's
going to heal you, but it can

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00:31:04.880 --> 00:31:10.119
be something that can help you improve
your social skills and do it safely,

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00:31:10.559 --> 00:31:14.359
bring your own transportation, bring your
own money, meet in public, all

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00:31:14.359 --> 00:31:17.960
that kind of stuff. But thanks
for calling, Jasmine, and I'm Jasmine,

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00:31:17.960 --> 00:31:21.599
and I'm so sorry that you're not
feeling well. Are we going to

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00:31:21.680 --> 00:31:22.400
break? Do? We have one
more call? So when we come back,

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00:31:22.400 --> 00:31:27.160
we'll do that last call, And
then I want to talk about things

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00:31:27.440 --> 00:31:33.079
you should always say in your relationships
to keep love alive. You're listening to

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00:31:33.119 --> 00:31:37.599
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf
I Am six forty. We're live everywhere

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00:31:37.839 --> 00:31:41.920
on the iHeartRadio app. You've been
listening to Doctor Wendy Walls. You can

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00:31:41.920 --> 00:31:45.519
always hear us live on kf I
AM six forty from seven to nine pm

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00:31:45.519 --> 00:31:49.319
on Sunday and anytime on demand on
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