WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:04.440 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor 2 00:00:04.480 --> 00:00:09.080 Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy 3 00:00:09.080 --> 00:00:13.599 Waalsh Show. I'm KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. 4 00:00:13.599 --> 00:00:16.160 I'm Doctor Wendy Walsh. If you're new to my show, I have a 5 00:00:16.199 --> 00:00:21.320 PhD in clinical psychology. Now I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor 6 00:00:21.359 --> 00:00:25.839 at cal State, Channel Islands, and I'm obsessed with the science of love. 7 00:00:25.879 --> 00:00:30.359 I've written three books on relationships, and I like to talk about the 8 00:00:30.399 --> 00:00:33.520 state of our unions. Later in the show, I am going to talk 9 00:00:33.640 --> 00:00:38.240 for a couple segments to single people. And you might be newly single no 10 00:00:38.320 --> 00:00:41.560 matter what your age. Right, Remember when till Death Do Us part was 11 00:00:41.600 --> 00:00:47.759 ament to death was pretty imminent because of our very long life expectancies. Very 12 00:00:47.799 --> 00:00:52.359 few people are going to meet their soulmate in their twenties and die in their 13 00:00:52.479 --> 00:00:56.679 arms in their eighties or nineties. The truth is, even the most monogamous 14 00:00:56.719 --> 00:01:00.920 of humans, remember we have a wide variety of human sexual behavior. Even 15 00:01:00.960 --> 00:01:03.560 the most monogamous of humans are going to find themselves having two or three long 16 00:01:03.599 --> 00:01:08.480 stants of monogamy with some mate selection in between. We call that dating. 17 00:01:08.799 --> 00:01:12.560 So I am going to be talking to single people. I want to talk 18 00:01:12.560 --> 00:01:18.680 about the Kate Middleton controversy that seems to not end with that altered photo and 19 00:01:18.719 --> 00:01:23.400 what we should be aware of in how to look for altered photos in dating 20 00:01:23.519 --> 00:01:27.239 apps. Also, I will be taking your social media questions. If you've 21 00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:30.760 got a relationship question. Remember I'm not a therapist, I'm a psych professor, 22 00:01:30.799 --> 00:01:34.159 but I've got a lot of life experience I'd love to lay on you. 23 00:01:34.159 --> 00:01:38.280 You can just DM me. Instagram's great, I think, Producer Kayla, 24 00:01:38.280 --> 00:01:42.239 you're probably going to be checking Instagram during the show at Dr Wendy Walsh. 25 00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:45.920 At Doctor Wendy Walsh. Send me some questions, and then let's get 26 00:01:45.959 --> 00:01:51.840 into some self help advice. You know, there are some things out there 27 00:01:52.239 --> 00:01:56.439 that you can all be doing to improve your mental health. What science says 28 00:01:56.680 --> 00:02:01.280 works, and a bunch of it that does a work at all not proven 29 00:02:01.599 --> 00:02:05.840 by science. And finally, at the end of the show, let's talk 30 00:02:05.879 --> 00:02:10.080 about our workplace relationships. You've heard about that trend quiet quitting. Well, 31 00:02:10.280 --> 00:02:14.439 we know how to quiet quit if we're the one doing it. But what 32 00:02:14.560 --> 00:02:19.039 if your coworker, your colleague, the person you rely on to help get 33 00:02:19.080 --> 00:02:22.960 your job done, is sitting there quiet quitting. How to handle that. 34 00:02:23.199 --> 00:02:25.840 We'll talk about that later in the show. But first, the state of 35 00:02:25.879 --> 00:02:31.639 our dating marketplace. If you are new to the single scene, let me 36 00:02:31.719 --> 00:02:37.960 tell you a lot has changed in the last fifteen years. Obviously, the 37 00:02:37.960 --> 00:02:45.520 biggest change has been the advent of technology, including things like dating websites social 38 00:02:45.520 --> 00:02:50.520 media. I actually think that more young people are dating on Instagram than they 39 00:02:50.560 --> 00:02:53.560 do on Match or Bumble or what have you. I don't know the data 40 00:02:53.599 --> 00:02:57.800 on that, but it sure feels like it. The fact that people are 41 00:02:57.800 --> 00:03:02.639 texting more than talking. I will say that dating apps in particular have really 42 00:03:02.840 --> 00:03:09.199 like, in some ways, they're amazing because they've expanded the dating marketplace for 43 00:03:09.360 --> 00:03:15.919 certain minorities. This has been really really good news, right depending if you're 44 00:03:15.479 --> 00:03:21.919 a racial minority, a sexual orientation minority, a gender minority, and you 45 00:03:22.000 --> 00:03:25.520 might live in a smaller town or a rural area where there might only be 46 00:03:25.599 --> 00:03:30.159 one other person that you're interested in, what you can get on that dating 47 00:03:30.199 --> 00:03:35.120 app and find thousands of people who are in your kind of group, the 48 00:03:35.199 --> 00:03:39.439 kinds of mates that you desire, you can cast a wide net. However, 49 00:03:40.280 --> 00:03:45.319 the advent of dating apps has not been good for what I call cis 50 00:03:45.319 --> 00:03:53.120 gender heterosexual mates. Sis means you know, typical heterosexual right binary cis binary 51 00:03:53.240 --> 00:03:59.120 male, female and heterosexual. And here's why. So let's go back to 52 00:03:59.159 --> 00:04:03.759 what evolutionary psychologists would say is natural for our species. Back in our one 53 00:04:03.840 --> 00:04:09.199 hundred gathered days, we roamed the planet in tribes of mostly thirty five to 54 00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:13.319 forty people, and most of them were related to us. We rarely ever 55 00:04:13.360 --> 00:04:15.519 would have had sex with a stranger, usually the person we made it with 56 00:04:15.519 --> 00:04:19.399 with somebody we knew because they were part of our small tribe or small town. 57 00:04:20.040 --> 00:04:25.319 And in our entire lifespan, we probably never laid eyes on more than 58 00:04:25.319 --> 00:04:30.920 one hundred and fifty people. So dating apps have now expanded the landscape where 59 00:04:31.000 --> 00:04:35.720 a new potential mate is a thumb swipe away, and there could be thousands 60 00:04:35.720 --> 00:04:42.399 and thousands of potential mates. So it makes this search harder because human beings 61 00:04:42.399 --> 00:04:46.839 suffer from something called paradox of choice. You probably heard me talk about this 62 00:04:46.920 --> 00:04:50.040 bias before, and what it means is the more choice you are presented with, 63 00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:54.839 the less likely you are to make a choice. The brain kind of 64 00:04:54.839 --> 00:04:59.319 freezes, and if you do make a choice, you value it less. 65 00:04:59.720 --> 00:05:03.399 Right, So dating apps overwhelm the brain with too much choice, and people 66 00:05:03.399 --> 00:05:09.839 will fill their message boxes up with five or ten or twenty matches that they're 67 00:05:09.920 --> 00:05:14.800 chatting with every once in a while, and that chatting is often enough to 68 00:05:14.839 --> 00:05:17.120 sustain them. They're not even motivated to go out there and get dressed up 69 00:05:17.160 --> 00:05:23.480 and go on a date. And the other big change is that people are 70 00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:30.959 meeting strangers instead of through the real world social networks. And this is completely 71 00:05:30.319 --> 00:05:35.759 unnatural. Right, every mate we ever had in our history was vetted by 72 00:05:35.800 --> 00:05:42.879 somebody, So this idea of meeting some stranger off an app is wrought with 73 00:05:43.000 --> 00:05:46.959 all kinds of anxiety, and it allows people to be complete frauds. In 74 00:05:47.000 --> 00:05:49.360 fact, in the next segment out of the commercial, I want to talk 75 00:05:49.399 --> 00:05:57.319 about how people lie with their photographs even And then here's another thing that's happened 76 00:05:57.319 --> 00:06:01.279 with the mating marketplace. We've got an oversupply of successful women and is all 77 00:06:01.279 --> 00:06:04.279 good. This is good, good successful women, lots of education, making 78 00:06:04.360 --> 00:06:11.040 lots of money, but they are biology hasn't changed much, and US women 79 00:06:11.199 --> 00:06:15.120 are eating up our fertility window, getting education and building careers. And then 80 00:06:15.160 --> 00:06:23.399 there's this competition for mates in the early thirties, right If I could say 81 00:06:23.879 --> 00:06:29.199 that to help navigate this new dating landscape, there are three rules I would 82 00:06:29.199 --> 00:06:30.720 give you. One is, when you're on those dating apps, just match 83 00:06:30.759 --> 00:06:34.199 with two people at once. That's it. Let your brain avoid paradox of 84 00:06:34.319 --> 00:06:38.160 choice, choose one or the other and make sure you actually meet them in 85 00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:41.160 the real world, and then decide to pair with two others. Match with 86 00:06:41.160 --> 00:06:45.879 two others if instead of having ten or twenty people to choose from. Secondly, 87 00:06:46.160 --> 00:06:49.720 meet fast. People make the mistake of endless texting, where they're not 88 00:06:49.759 --> 00:06:55.639 even texting with a human. They're texting with their fantasies who they imagine that 89 00:06:55.680 --> 00:06:58.120 person is. And you know what, you got to get in the real 90 00:06:58.160 --> 00:07:00.720 world quick so that you can determ if this person, if you like this 91 00:07:00.800 --> 00:07:04.680 person, and if they're real. And also, don't ghost. Ghosting is 92 00:07:04.680 --> 00:07:10.879 when you just cut off all communication, politely reject have a canned text that 93 00:07:10.920 --> 00:07:13.240 says, hey, great chatting with you. I don't think romances in the 94 00:07:13.279 --> 00:07:17.079 cards. And here's why ghosting can be emotionally injurious to the person you're ghosting, 95 00:07:17.759 --> 00:07:23.160 But imagine if you run into that person later. People on dating apps 96 00:07:23.160 --> 00:07:25.879 are humans. You know what if you have a business meeting with a new 97 00:07:25.879 --> 00:07:30.879 client next week and there's that person right in the room. Something similar to 98 00:07:30.959 --> 00:07:33.199 that actually happened to me one time. I'll tell you when we come back. 99 00:07:33.240 --> 00:07:38.879 It was so embarrassing. And also, Kate Middleton and those edited photos? 100 00:07:39.279 --> 00:07:43.560 Are any photos real anymore? How can we tell if somebody's photos on 101 00:07:43.600 --> 00:07:46.879 a dating app are real or not? I've got some tips. You're listening 102 00:07:46.920 --> 00:07:50.560 to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty WeLive everywhere on the 103 00:07:50.600 --> 00:07:58.600 iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six 104 00:07:58.759 --> 00:08:03.000 forty Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty, 105 00:08:03.040 --> 00:08:07.800 Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Hey, if you have a relationship question, 106 00:08:07.879 --> 00:08:11.519 I would love to weigh in and answer it. Why don't you shoot 107 00:08:11.560 --> 00:08:15.600 me a DM right now? On Instagram, the handle is at doctor Wendy 108 00:08:15.639 --> 00:08:20.160 Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. Producer Kayla's going to be checking the DMS because 109 00:08:20.240 --> 00:08:24.839 after this segment, I'm gonna go in now. I'm not going to out 110 00:08:24.879 --> 00:08:26.720 you. It will be anonymous. I'm not going to say your name. 111 00:08:26.879 --> 00:08:31.079 Don't you worry. You can send me a personal question. I'll be kind 112 00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:35.399 a promise. Hey, can we talk about that altered photo of Kate Middleton? 113 00:08:37.159 --> 00:08:39.120 Is she princess? What's her title? Yeah? I think she's a 114 00:08:39.159 --> 00:08:43.200 princess, right, prince and princess? I don't know. So she put 115 00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:46.080 out this family photo for Mother's Day in the UK because she apparently has been 116 00:08:46.120 --> 00:08:50.639 recovering from abdominal surgery. By the way, producer, Kayla, do you 117 00:08:50.720 --> 00:08:54.360 know why I think the abdominal surgery? What all this mess is about? 118 00:08:54.840 --> 00:08:58.000 No, why she had a tommy tuck? She had three kids, That's 119 00:08:58.000 --> 00:09:01.600 all this is. You're hidding it because she's a princess. He's a princess. 120 00:09:03.159 --> 00:09:05.320 Princess, I'm sure that's all it is. So she got it done 121 00:09:05.320 --> 00:09:09.679 in like January. It's March now. It takes a long time for the 122 00:09:09.720 --> 00:09:13.080 swelling to go down. And a friend of mine who had a tummy tuck 123 00:09:13.120 --> 00:09:18.399 after she had triplets, you got to they cut right through the muscles and 124 00:09:18.440 --> 00:09:22.000 reattach them. And she said, you walk like a bent over old man 125 00:09:22.399 --> 00:09:26.399 for like three weeks right before you stretch out those muscles. So I'm not 126 00:09:26.440 --> 00:09:30.840 even sure why Kate Middleton is trending, like, what's the hoopla about? 127 00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:33.679 So she put out this picture on Mother's Day of her with her laughing, 128 00:09:33.759 --> 00:09:39.480 smiling children, and when certain members of the media examined it, they found 129 00:09:39.519 --> 00:09:43.200 that the picture was altered. And when you look at I looked at the 130 00:09:43.320 --> 00:09:48.480 close ups of the pieces, one part of a sleeve of the daughters is 131 00:09:48.559 --> 00:09:52.000 cut off, and then something about where the daughter's hair is lying on her 132 00:09:52.080 --> 00:09:56.000 shoulder isn't quite natural, and something about Kate Middleton's zipper on her jumper. 133 00:09:56.759 --> 00:10:01.600 Anyway, here's the thing. If you you guys don't know this. You 134 00:10:01.639 --> 00:10:03.279 know all those beautiful Christmas cards, Well, I don't know if people even 135 00:10:03.320 --> 00:10:07.480 mail Christmas cards family Christmas cards anymore. I get fewer and fewer every single 136 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:11.480 year. I think we're down to about five now. I used to get 137 00:10:11.519 --> 00:10:13.799 like forty, and now I'm down to about five because people just post them 138 00:10:13.840 --> 00:10:16.840 on Facebook. They get that nice picture. So whether you're looking at it 139 00:10:16.879 --> 00:10:22.159 on Facebook or whether you actually get it in the mail. Many families do 140 00:10:22.320 --> 00:10:26.240 the group shot and then each member of the family picks the picture where they 141 00:10:26.279 --> 00:10:28.600 think they look the best in, and then they photoshop it all together. 142 00:10:30.120 --> 00:10:33.279 I know many families who have done that. There have been wars because the 143 00:10:33.320 --> 00:10:35.279 teenagers are like, you are not setting that picture, and so they go, 144 00:10:35.320 --> 00:10:37.960 okay, well, we'll just cut and paste you from another picture. 145 00:10:37.960 --> 00:10:41.240 We'll get the one you like. This happens all the time, and so 146 00:10:41.320 --> 00:10:46.279 that's my suspicion because the kids are all too perfectly laughing, and no way 147 00:10:46.320 --> 00:10:50.639 they would be laughing exactly the same amount, and nobody with their eyes closed 148 00:10:50.759 --> 00:10:52.879 or what have you. So I think that's all that happened. They photoshopped 149 00:10:54.000 --> 00:10:58.720 all the bodies in. So now that you know how easy it is to 150 00:10:58.799 --> 00:11:03.559 do, I thought it might be cool to talk about some of my tips 151 00:11:03.600 --> 00:11:11.360 for trying to spot fake pictures in dating profiles. Now, obviously we're going 152 00:11:11.440 --> 00:11:15.600 to try to put our best face forward when we build our dating profile, 153 00:11:16.879 --> 00:11:22.360 and there's so much research to show that all single people cheat just a little 154 00:11:22.360 --> 00:11:26.559 bit, especially when they're describing themselves on their dating profile. So the common 155 00:11:26.600 --> 00:11:33.919 things people will do is under report their full weight or shave a couple of 156 00:11:33.000 --> 00:11:37.000 years off their age. Who do you think does what gender? Do you 157 00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:39.200 think does that the most women? Why? Amen? Women cut off their 158 00:11:39.240 --> 00:11:45.480 age and they cut off some other pans. Again, this is all anthropological. 159 00:11:45.519 --> 00:11:48.080 If you asked an evolutionary psychologist, they would say, because even if 160 00:11:48.360 --> 00:11:52.720 a woman is fifty, she wants to look young and hot, so to 161 00:11:54.320 --> 00:11:58.639 pretend she's in her fertility window. It's so crazy. Nobody wants to make 162 00:11:58.679 --> 00:12:03.240 babies anymore at that age. Anyway. Other things they might do is over 163 00:12:03.360 --> 00:12:07.960 report their height. Who does that? Kayla? And the boys do that? 164 00:12:07.960 --> 00:12:09.679 That's right, they over report their height. I have just learned when 165 00:12:09.720 --> 00:12:13.559 I read a dating app profile that any man who puts he six feet tall 166 00:12:13.759 --> 00:12:16.600 is five eleven. That's just it, okay, no five eleven guy, 167 00:12:16.679 --> 00:12:20.120 rights. I've never seen five eleven written. Oh, except by the five 168 00:12:20.120 --> 00:12:22.600 foot nine guys. They will write five eleven. But yeah, just assume 169 00:12:22.759 --> 00:12:26.240 you know, take off an inch. It's okay, it's okay. They 170 00:12:26.320 --> 00:12:31.440 also men love to hide their receiving hairlines under baseball caps. Dudes, you 171 00:12:31.440 --> 00:12:33.759 don't have to. We know if every single picture on your profile is you 172 00:12:33.759 --> 00:12:37.000 in a baseball hat or some kind of hat. We know, so just 173 00:12:37.039 --> 00:12:41.039 give us one. How you really look like? Okay. Also, men 174 00:12:41.080 --> 00:12:46.519 are famous for giving themselves better sounding job titles on dating profiles, like literally, 175 00:12:48.879 --> 00:12:52.840 I have seen I've never seen a worker. I have seen a founder, 176 00:12:52.000 --> 00:12:56.399 a VP, a CEO, a manager of this a sanitary technician. 177 00:12:58.279 --> 00:13:03.559 That's a garbage person, a sanitary technician, right, But I want to 178 00:13:03.559 --> 00:13:11.159 warn you there is research from the Kinsey Institute that found that when dates feel 179 00:13:11.399 --> 00:13:16.120 deceived, even by ten pounds of body weight, it makes them lose trust 180 00:13:16.159 --> 00:13:18.360 from the get go. It makes it hard to believe anything else about this 181 00:13:18.399 --> 00:13:24.120 person. So I'm a big proponent of being one hundred percent honest. Now, 182 00:13:24.679 --> 00:13:28.639 when it comes to photos, there are a few ways that people deceive. 183 00:13:28.840 --> 00:13:31.799 They either photoshop their own photos, or they use one of the many 184 00:13:31.840 --> 00:13:37.679 beauty filters out there, or they use photos that were taken years ago. 185 00:13:37.080 --> 00:13:41.480 They don't look like that anymore. There was research done by OkCupid once and 186 00:13:41.519 --> 00:13:46.720 it showed that the average age of a photo used as a main profile picture 187 00:13:48.120 --> 00:13:50.519 is three years old. That means it's from three years ago, folks. 188 00:13:50.559 --> 00:13:54.399 Because people find a good picture that they actually like and they don't change it, 189 00:13:54.679 --> 00:14:01.480 right, But probably more egregious and dark is that some people might actually 190 00:14:01.559 --> 00:14:07.320 steal someone else's photo and become a full on romance scammer. A romance scammer 191 00:14:07.799 --> 00:14:11.600 you never heard of that. It's people pretending to be somebody else. They 192 00:14:11.639 --> 00:14:15.759 always create some kind of reason why they can't meet in the real world, 193 00:14:16.120 --> 00:14:20.879 and they earn your love and attachment, and then they ask you to start 194 00:14:20.919 --> 00:14:24.480 sending money, and they can wait you out. It can take ages before 195 00:14:24.480 --> 00:14:28.879 you start to do it, all right, What can you do to prevent 196 00:14:28.960 --> 00:14:31.919 all of this, not only romance scammers, but also people who you're just 197 00:14:31.960 --> 00:14:35.240 seeing and wondering about their photos? First of all, I don't know if 198 00:14:35.279 --> 00:14:37.919 you know how to do this, but you can download or take a screenshot 199 00:14:37.919 --> 00:14:41.519 of any photo that you find on any dating app. And you know, 200 00:14:41.600 --> 00:14:43.240 in that little Google search bar, do you ever look to the right, 201 00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:48.159 there's a little picture of a camera. You click on that it says upload 202 00:14:48.240 --> 00:14:52.559 photo, and you can put any photo into a Google search for you shoppers 203 00:14:52.600 --> 00:14:54.399 out there. I hate to ruin it for retailers, but I go in 204 00:14:54.519 --> 00:14:58.960 stores and take pictures of the merch, upload it into Google and find out 205 00:14:58.960 --> 00:15:01.919 where I can get it cheaper. Sorry, it's my favorite trick. I 206 00:15:01.000 --> 00:15:05.840 love doing that. So you will see right away if it's a stolen photo, 207 00:15:07.080 --> 00:15:09.639 because you'll find out where that photo actually came from, if they grabbed 208 00:15:09.639 --> 00:15:13.200 it from the internet somewhere, or if you're seeing it showing up under different 209 00:15:13.279 --> 00:15:16.919 names than the name of the profile. Oh, big red flag. Lock 210 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:18.840 that person, get rid of them. Okay. Now, if you're trying 211 00:15:18.840 --> 00:15:26.879 to decide if the photo's been altered, look for slight blurriness or unnaturally smooth 212 00:15:28.080 --> 00:15:33.600 skin. Maybe this shows that they used face tune or something. Anyway, 213 00:15:33.600 --> 00:15:35.720 I've got a few more tips when we come back after the break, and 214 00:15:35.759 --> 00:15:37.320 I promise to tell you that story about the guy I ghosted who I ran 215 00:15:37.360 --> 00:15:41.480 into later that was really awkward. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show 216 00:15:41.639 --> 00:15:46.360 on KFI AM six forty well live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening 217 00:15:46.399 --> 00:15:50.679 to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty Welcome back to the 218 00:15:50.720 --> 00:15:56.080 Doctor Wendy Wall Show on k I AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio 219 00:15:56.120 --> 00:16:00.679 App. We're talking about how to tell if there's a fake photograph or an 220 00:16:00.720 --> 00:16:06.519 altered photograph in somebody's dating profile. I mentioned take a screenshot uploaded into Google 221 00:16:06.840 --> 00:16:10.759 and do a photo search. Also, there are so many filters people are 222 00:16:10.840 --> 00:16:15.440 using, and ladies, if you're listening, men don't like them. You 223 00:16:15.480 --> 00:16:18.159 know what they say, you look like you look like a cartoon, and 224 00:16:18.240 --> 00:16:25.600 you do. So don't use filters in your dating profile. Use nice lighting, 225 00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:30.559 nice makeup, whatever, but be real because it's jarring when you show 226 00:16:30.639 --> 00:16:34.360 up for the coffee date and you don't look like a cartoon. Right, 227 00:16:34.919 --> 00:16:40.080 So yeah, look for a little bit of blurriness or unnaturally smooth skin that 228 00:16:40.200 --> 00:16:45.720 shows that it's probably been altered. Also, this is what I like to 229 00:16:45.759 --> 00:16:51.960 do. I compare all the photos in somebody's profile and I decide which one 230 00:16:52.120 --> 00:16:56.320 is the least flattering. Now, you got to know the person shows those, 231 00:16:56.399 --> 00:16:59.440 right, they put them up, and so they think they're all pretty 232 00:16:59.440 --> 00:17:04.039 good, but one of them is completely not flattering. That's who they look 233 00:17:04.119 --> 00:17:08.039 like. Okay, that's the one that's closest to what they look like in 234 00:17:08.079 --> 00:17:11.599 real life. Because nobody's going to put up a picture that they believe is 235 00:17:11.680 --> 00:17:17.319 unflattering, so they think it looks good. But you know it's the least 236 00:17:17.400 --> 00:17:19.440 of them all, so that's what to expect. Just focus on that one, 237 00:17:19.480 --> 00:17:25.400 don't even look at any of the other pictures. Get your mind ready. 238 00:17:25.480 --> 00:17:27.559 You could also do things like, if you're chatting with somebody and messaging 239 00:17:27.640 --> 00:17:30.839 them, ask them to take a photo on today's date. Do it together. 240 00:17:32.079 --> 00:17:33.160 Go oh, let me see you in your kitchen, or let me 241 00:17:33.200 --> 00:17:36.960 see what you're eating right now, and get them to take a picture of 242 00:17:36.960 --> 00:17:41.240 whatever they're doing and you do the same. Then you see And also it's 243 00:17:41.279 --> 00:17:42.559 not a bad idea. We did it during COVID. We could do it 244 00:17:42.599 --> 00:17:45.519 now. Do a little FaceTime or zoom date before you actually go out in 245 00:17:45.559 --> 00:17:51.119 the real world. Why not see who they really are? Okay, this 246 00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:55.039 is the time of the show where I'm answering your relationship questions. If you've 247 00:17:55.039 --> 00:17:57.839 got a question, Remember I'm not a therapist. I'm a PhD in clinical 248 00:17:57.839 --> 00:18:02.240 psychology. I'm a psychology professor. I've written three books on relationships, and 249 00:18:02.279 --> 00:18:06.079 i am obsessed with the science of love. I've also had lots of life 250 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:07.480 experience. Oh speaking which, Oh so, if you want to send a 251 00:18:07.559 --> 00:18:11.839 DM, send it on an Instagram to at dr Wendy Walsh. Okay, 252 00:18:11.960 --> 00:18:15.519 so I met this guy in a dating app once. We didn't actually talk 253 00:18:15.519 --> 00:18:18.920 on the phone, We just texted back and forth. I was actually traveling 254 00:18:18.920 --> 00:18:22.079 and out of town at the time, and you know how you go like 255 00:18:22.160 --> 00:18:25.039 into a compartment when you're somewhere else and you get home and you just kind 256 00:18:25.039 --> 00:18:26.599 of forget about it, because I was like, oh, well, that 257 00:18:26.680 --> 00:18:29.720 was somebody I was chatting with while I was in my hotel room on business 258 00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:33.279 and whatever. So I never bothered. And then like five years later, 259 00:18:34.039 --> 00:18:40.079 I'm working on charity project at my kid's school and I meet this dad and 260 00:18:40.440 --> 00:18:42.599 we had to talk about some there was something we had to do about planning 261 00:18:42.599 --> 00:18:47.680 an organization of this event, and he gives me his number and I said, 262 00:18:47.720 --> 00:18:48.519 yeah, i'll text you about the time that we're going to meet for 263 00:18:48.559 --> 00:18:51.839 the thing. Blah blah. Nothing romantic, it's just like, hey, 264 00:18:51.880 --> 00:18:53.640 I got to do this whatever. And so I put the number in my 265 00:18:53.799 --> 00:18:57.160 phone and the first day I go to make a text, I go, 266 00:18:57.599 --> 00:19:03.079 wait, already texted with this person, and then I scroll on back and 267 00:19:03.119 --> 00:19:07.559 I see all the sexy, flirty texts from that night and when I was 268 00:19:07.599 --> 00:19:11.160 in my hotel room on the road. Oh my god, it was so 269 00:19:11.200 --> 00:19:14.559 awkward. I had to send him a text about a charity thing at the 270 00:19:14.559 --> 00:19:17.400 school now, and he's going to look at that and scroll back and see 271 00:19:17.400 --> 00:19:19.680 the whole text chain. Caleb, What could I have Could I have deleted 272 00:19:19.680 --> 00:19:22.799 the text chain, but he would have seen it in his phone right now. 273 00:19:22.960 --> 00:19:26.359 You should have downloaded a Google number at that point and then texted him 274 00:19:26.400 --> 00:19:33.160 from your Google. She so smart. And he never mentioned it and I 275 00:19:33.200 --> 00:19:34.960 never mentioned. Oh that's lucky, because that could have been really awkward. 276 00:19:36.079 --> 00:19:38.480 No, we were both felt awkward about it because he technically was the one 277 00:19:38.519 --> 00:19:41.279 ghosted by me. Yeah, that's yeah. He didn't get Hi bring it 278 00:19:41.319 --> 00:19:44.720 up. Oh I know. I felt so bad. That's why I say, 279 00:19:44.720 --> 00:19:47.200 don't ghost people. You guys, when you texted him about the charity, 280 00:19:47.200 --> 00:19:48.920 I just went forward as normal conversation. He just went forward with a 281 00:19:49.000 --> 00:19:52.039 charity like nothing else, nothing else there. And you know we were both 282 00:19:52.079 --> 00:19:55.960 reading those textscrolling back. Oh yeah, for sure. And it was like 283 00:19:56.000 --> 00:19:59.519 a couple of years before. Like those other texts, they stay in your 284 00:19:59.519 --> 00:20:03.319 phone for how embarrassing. Okay, let me go to social media and take 285 00:20:03.359 --> 00:20:10.720 your DMS all right, Hello doctor Wendy, Hello to you. I'm always 286 00:20:10.759 --> 00:20:15.079 such a I need closure kind of girl, and I'm trying not to because 287 00:20:15.160 --> 00:20:18.839 if I'm being real, what does that even mean? He's been acting strange 288 00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:22.920 all week and I let him be the entire day to day. Haven't heard 289 00:20:22.960 --> 00:20:26.799 from him. I don't know the history here, I don't know how long 290 00:20:26.799 --> 00:20:30.000 you've been dating, but you got right into it, all right, she 291 00:20:30.119 --> 00:20:33.559 says. I'm currently fighting the urge to reach out so that we could talk 292 00:20:33.680 --> 00:20:37.559 things out. If I were to reach out, I'd pretty much just say 293 00:20:37.599 --> 00:20:41.559 I'm done and won't bother him anymore. But him not reaching out in itself 294 00:20:41.640 --> 00:20:45.440 shows me how he really does not care exactly. I'm trying to be a 295 00:20:45.440 --> 00:20:48.240 strong woman and it's just so hard. I don't want to give in. 296 00:20:48.319 --> 00:20:52.319 I want to be better. How do I do this? What do I 297 00:20:52.359 --> 00:20:55.240 do? Okay, So this is a hard one because you know, inquiring 298 00:20:55.359 --> 00:20:57.440 minds want to know. We want to know. Is it something we said? 299 00:20:57.960 --> 00:21:00.920 Is it something we messed up on? Yeah? Is he just And 300 00:21:00.960 --> 00:21:04.599 you know what, there's always missing information, and I guarantee it's somebody else. 301 00:21:04.640 --> 00:21:07.759 He probably already has a girlfriend and started dating you on the side and 302 00:21:07.759 --> 00:21:11.240 then made up with a girlfriend or something, and you don't know that. 303 00:21:11.400 --> 00:21:18.759 Okay, So I think it might be best to let him go if you 304 00:21:18.880 --> 00:21:23.759 can. But I'm like you, so I'll tell you what I've done in 305 00:21:23.799 --> 00:21:29.279 the past when someone's kind of ghosted me. I've waited a period of time, 306 00:21:29.839 --> 00:21:33.440 like a good two weeks, two weeks literally, because it gives him 307 00:21:33.480 --> 00:21:37.440 a chance to come back and save face in that time. And at the 308 00:21:37.519 --> 00:21:41.799 end of the two weeks, I write, hey, I haven't heard from 309 00:21:41.880 --> 00:21:45.359 you. I guess that means we're probably not a good match, right, 310 00:21:45.359 --> 00:21:48.039 It's like the universe deciding you're a good match, not you don't like him 311 00:21:48.119 --> 00:21:49.960 or he doesn't like you. It's just probably not a good match. It 312 00:21:51.119 --> 00:21:55.480 was nice meeting you, And if I run into you sometime, I'll say 313 00:21:55.519 --> 00:22:00.319 hello, just keep it light because you might see him again. Leaves the 314 00:22:00.319 --> 00:22:03.960 door kind of open. Whatever. But anybody who hasn't called you for two 315 00:22:03.960 --> 00:22:06.759 weeks you're not interested in now, So kind of don't let him rekindle at 316 00:22:06.759 --> 00:22:08.039 that point, because he can't just do that and come back in just when 317 00:22:08.039 --> 00:22:11.960 he wants to. But yeah, I used to write those six and by 318 00:22:11.960 --> 00:22:15.160 the way, get be prepared. They don't usually write back, but it's 319 00:22:15.200 --> 00:22:18.240 there, and they've been herd, you've been heard. Okay, it's there. 320 00:22:18.039 --> 00:22:21.680 I did write to somebody one time who I had a really great phone 321 00:22:21.680 --> 00:22:23.200 call with. It was like we were on the phone for like two hours 322 00:22:23.519 --> 00:22:26.839 and we'd met on a dating app and we seem like so connected, and 323 00:22:27.720 --> 00:22:32.960 then we had planned to talk or something the next day and I said him 324 00:22:32.960 --> 00:22:37.000 a text and it was like, no answer, nothing. So I did 325 00:22:37.640 --> 00:22:41.519 write another text and just said was it something I said? And he no 326 00:22:41.599 --> 00:22:44.359 answer. I still think the way you handle it is very classy. Yeah, 327 00:22:44.440 --> 00:22:47.640 you're a class act. Just like let him know. Yeah, Hey, 328 00:22:47.720 --> 00:22:49.240 that's weird. You don't just ghost? Yeah anyway, Well, the 329 00:22:49.319 --> 00:22:55.000 fact that he ghosts tells me he doesn't have enough emotional maturity to be able 330 00:22:55.000 --> 00:22:57.000 to be with me anyway. So he proved me I can do the touchdown 331 00:22:57.079 --> 00:23:03.279 cheer bad match. Oh right, dear doctor Wendy. Would it be Would 332 00:23:03.319 --> 00:23:10.000 it be okay with your best friend going out with female friends? Oh? 333 00:23:10.079 --> 00:23:12.960 BF is boyfriend? I'm thinking best friend right now. Okay, let me 334 00:23:14.000 --> 00:23:17.519 go back to it. All the acronyms you guys write, would it be 335 00:23:17.640 --> 00:23:22.160 okay with Would you be okay? Would I be okay? Okay with your 336 00:23:22.160 --> 00:23:26.640 boyfriend going out with female friends he's dated before? As for me, no, 337 00:23:26.640 --> 00:23:30.000 no, no, no, no okay. So I want to tell 338 00:23:30.039 --> 00:23:33.480 you all sides of this argument, and you don't have to agree with me. 339 00:23:33.279 --> 00:23:37.519 So we had that guy on our show a couple weeks ago, Christopher 340 00:23:37.599 --> 00:23:41.279 Ryan, who wrote the book Sex at Dawn you really should read it about 341 00:23:41.319 --> 00:23:45.799 He believes we're all meant to be polyamorous. And he says that we do 342 00:23:45.880 --> 00:23:48.119 a weird thing in our culture in that we cut our exes out of the 343 00:23:48.160 --> 00:23:53.359 tribe. We literally make them just freaking disappear. Right, So he says 344 00:23:53.680 --> 00:23:57.720 we should find ways to have relationships with our exes. I've never found a 345 00:23:57.759 --> 00:24:03.519 way, So I can't advise you on this. But if he's keeping these 346 00:24:03.559 --> 00:24:07.680 extra women as potential backup mates, this bothers me because if they've been dating 347 00:24:07.680 --> 00:24:11.039 before and had sex before, and you guys are in a downtime, he 348 00:24:11.079 --> 00:24:14.480 could think, well, it's not really cheating, it's somebody had sex with 349 00:24:14.559 --> 00:24:17.920 before. No, they think like that. They find ways to rationalize it. 350 00:24:18.440 --> 00:24:19.720 All right, I'm gonna answer more your questions when we come back. 351 00:24:19.720 --> 00:24:25.400 You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're 352 00:24:25.440 --> 00:24:30.839 live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand 353 00:24:30.079 --> 00:24:34.200 from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on 354 00:24:34.279 --> 00:24:40.480 KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. If you want 355 00:24:40.480 --> 00:24:42.640 to send me a DM, go to Instagram. That's what producer Kayla is 356 00:24:42.720 --> 00:24:48.359 checking right now. The handle is at Dr Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh. 357 00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:55.880 Okay, dear doctor Wendy, I have been listening to you for years. 358 00:24:56.039 --> 00:24:57.359 Oh, thank you. I love your show. Thank you. Look 359 00:24:57.400 --> 00:25:00.960 at me just reading out the comm elements. I didn't have to read that 360 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:07.039 part. So this gentleman says, I have been in a relationship of convenience 361 00:25:07.759 --> 00:25:11.480 for two years. Convenience. That's an interesting word. Not butterfly love, 362 00:25:11.599 --> 00:25:17.359 but admiration. Well, admiration's good. However, it's never been like previous 363 00:25:17.400 --> 00:25:22.720 relationships where I crave the physical intimacy. I enjoy it, but I don't 364 00:25:22.720 --> 00:25:25.880 really feel like hugging or holding hands all the time with her, as I 365 00:25:25.960 --> 00:25:30.839 have in past relationships. I am forty seven, she is forty two. 366 00:25:30.400 --> 00:25:36.880 She's extremely uncomfortable during intimacy because she has body issues, and I'm quite the 367 00:25:36.920 --> 00:25:41.759 opposite. I like women taking ownership of their appearance. Well that's good, 368 00:25:41.799 --> 00:25:45.720 you like women like that. Okay, it works because we kind of have 369 00:25:45.839 --> 00:25:47.960 kids the same age. Oh I know about that. Like, it's just 370 00:25:48.119 --> 00:25:51.759 I think anyway, he said, I could go on forever. But this 371 00:25:51.839 --> 00:25:56.519 woman walked up to me at a dog park the other day and I melted, 372 00:25:56.839 --> 00:26:00.680 not literally. I didn't need to call emergency services. I love it 373 00:26:00.720 --> 00:26:04.079 when my listeners write me a whole story. Here. We walked, I 374 00:26:04.200 --> 00:26:11.240 found out she is the mother of my kid's friend at school, and she 375 00:26:11.440 --> 00:26:15.039 pivoted and literally said, I can't believe she said this. She was so 376 00:26:15.240 --> 00:26:21.279 forward. Quote, do we have chemistry here? I'm feeling this is a 377 00:26:21.319 --> 00:26:26.279 moment here. I told her, I'm seeing someone. I don't know if 378 00:26:26.279 --> 00:26:30.000 you're into the butterflies thing, doctor Wendy, but I'd rather take my chances 379 00:26:30.039 --> 00:26:33.359 seeing if we can start something, even if it crashes and burns. Okay, 380 00:26:34.440 --> 00:26:38.079 Am I being fair to everyone here? Well, you are not being 381 00:26:38.160 --> 00:26:41.559 fair to the woman. You are having a relationship of convenience with you didn't 382 00:26:41.559 --> 00:26:47.119 mention whether you live together. You got to wrap that up first. So 383 00:26:47.640 --> 00:26:51.839 here's the thing. Remember was it last week I talked about how to walk 384 00:26:51.960 --> 00:26:56.400 into love instead of falling into love. Falling into love is when you get 385 00:26:56.440 --> 00:27:03.519 emotionally hijacked by a cocktail of neuro hormones called lust, love, and attraction, 386 00:27:03.960 --> 00:27:07.119 and you end up blowing up lives for a whole bunch of people. 387 00:27:07.480 --> 00:27:12.839 It's just like trying a delicious, fabulous drug. You crave this drug so 388 00:27:14.039 --> 00:27:18.400 much that you said you don't even care if it crashes and burns. But 389 00:27:18.480 --> 00:27:22.559 guess what you're going to be the last man standing with not a relationship of 390 00:27:22.599 --> 00:27:26.160 convenience, somebody who you admire and are helping work through her body issues, 391 00:27:26.599 --> 00:27:32.519 and then somebody who you're gonna have a big high with and who knows after 392 00:27:33.359 --> 00:27:37.920 Here's my advice. If you're really attracted to this woman, take your time 393 00:27:37.960 --> 00:27:41.880 and walk into love with her, but not until you wrap up what you 394 00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:48.440 have going on in your relationship of convenience, Because no, you're not being 395 00:27:48.480 --> 00:27:52.039 fair to everyone here. So what you tell miss dog Park is, yes, 396 00:27:52.599 --> 00:27:57.839 we had a moment I'm feeling it too. However, I'm a good 397 00:27:57.880 --> 00:28:03.279 person, moral person. I like to do things correctly, So give me 398 00:28:03.359 --> 00:28:07.359 some time to wrap up what I'm dealing with and break up with my girlfriend. 399 00:28:07.640 --> 00:28:11.720 And then if you're still available, I would love to take you out. 400 00:28:11.319 --> 00:28:15.680 That's what you do. That is the right moral way to deal with 401 00:28:15.720 --> 00:28:22.319 this. Please please do that, all right? Moving on, dear doctor 402 00:28:22.359 --> 00:28:26.920 Wendy, how do I maintain a friends with benefits situation while also dating? 403 00:28:27.119 --> 00:28:33.880 Is it possible to do both? I'm not compatible romantically in the relationship with 404 00:28:33.920 --> 00:28:37.160 the friends with benefits, but the physical intimacy is just enough. Is there 405 00:28:37.200 --> 00:28:41.680 any way to separate the two and still date other people intentionally? See you 406 00:28:41.839 --> 00:28:45.519 listen to my show intentionally? Okay, let me talk to you about human 407 00:28:45.559 --> 00:28:49.759 beings. So wouldn't it be great like we have this fantasy right that we're 408 00:28:49.759 --> 00:28:55.240 all basically monogamous people, that there's never an overlap. We wrap like I 409 00:28:55.319 --> 00:28:56.480 just told that man before, do the right thing, wrap it up, 410 00:28:56.519 --> 00:29:02.440 then start the next one. However, it is possible to keep a snacky 411 00:29:02.480 --> 00:29:06.799 treat on the side as long as you have very clear boundaries. Kathy, 412 00:29:07.160 --> 00:29:10.200 you never had a snacky treat. I just love the word snacky treat. 413 00:29:10.200 --> 00:29:11.680 It's just a little ice cream yeah, like in an ice cream store. 414 00:29:11.880 --> 00:29:15.440 Right. But here's the important thing about the snacky treat. You have to 415 00:29:15.440 --> 00:29:19.559 have very clear boundaries, and you have to be hyper aware if they are 416 00:29:19.799 --> 00:29:22.200 because you know, it's all fun and games till somebody falls in love. 417 00:29:22.440 --> 00:29:26.119 Right If they're starting to have feelings for you and they're saying things like they 418 00:29:26.160 --> 00:29:29.559 want to hang out or do whatever, you cut it off. You'd be 419 00:29:29.640 --> 00:29:30.720 nice, and you cut it off because you don't want to hurt them right 420 00:29:32.960 --> 00:29:37.000 now, when you're dating the other people that you intentionally want to date, 421 00:29:37.000 --> 00:29:38.720 that you want to walk into love with, you don't tell them about your 422 00:29:38.759 --> 00:29:42.759 snacky treat, of course, but it's probably not a good idea to start 423 00:29:42.960 --> 00:29:47.799 having a sexual relationship with them until so at the point where you're ready to 424 00:29:47.839 --> 00:29:51.319 try a sexual relationship with somebody who you've developed some emotional into. This is 425 00:29:51.359 --> 00:29:53.880 just my advice, this would be my plan. Okay, there's no textbook 426 00:29:53.920 --> 00:29:57.599 on this. I'm just telling you from life wisdom. So you keep your 427 00:29:57.599 --> 00:30:03.400 snack treat on stuff as all us girls do. It's a little quiet thing 428 00:30:03.400 --> 00:30:06.759 in a compartment. Then you go date with the guys who you want to 429 00:30:06.759 --> 00:30:08.759 be maybe your husband someday. And when you get to the point where you're 430 00:30:08.799 --> 00:30:11.920 like, you know, I actually really like this guy and I think I'm 431 00:30:11.960 --> 00:30:14.440 ready to have sex with him, then you say to your snacky treat, 432 00:30:14.759 --> 00:30:18.319 were going on pause, we are going to stop this. No what if? 433 00:30:18.400 --> 00:30:19.319 No? No? I agree with you one thousand percent, But is 434 00:30:19.319 --> 00:30:22.319 it the same if a man wrote that question into does he keep his little 435 00:30:22.319 --> 00:30:26.400 snacky treat and then just date intentionally on the side as long as a woman's 436 00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:30.759 aware, yep, as long as this snack tree wasn't dating. Until you've 437 00:30:30.759 --> 00:30:34.119 had sex with somebody, you don't know them anything, right, Because once 438 00:30:34.119 --> 00:30:41.039 you've entered the physical relationship, then you're exposing your potential eggs or your bloodstream 439 00:30:41.079 --> 00:30:44.480 to somebody else, or you're potentially caring diseases from the snaky tree to the 440 00:30:44.480 --> 00:30:48.039 other person. There's all kinds of reasons why you need to be on the 441 00:30:48.160 --> 00:30:52.680 up and up once you've decided you're entering a sexual relationship. But when you're 442 00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:59.000 just exploring and having dinners and conversations and phone calls and texts, you don't 443 00:30:59.240 --> 00:31:02.680 owe them anything. Yet am I wrong, Kayla, Like no, no, 444 00:31:02.680 --> 00:31:03.960 no, I just want to When I got that question, that was 445 00:31:03.960 --> 00:31:07.599 from a man's profile, so I didn't expect your response, but you read 446 00:31:07.640 --> 00:31:10.559 it as a woman's perspective, as like, oh so yeah, yeah, 447 00:31:10.759 --> 00:31:12.200 it applies both ways. It applies both ways. I think so too. 448 00:31:12.839 --> 00:31:17.480 Now, when I was a teenager, listen, if any teenagers are listening, 449 00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:19.960 do not tell your parents that I told you this. But you know 450 00:31:21.000 --> 00:31:26.599 that whole sexual double standard where men get points for sexual experience and women get 451 00:31:26.599 --> 00:31:30.720 demerit points for the same sexual experience. So when I was in high school 452 00:31:32.200 --> 00:31:37.759 and girls were getting these reputations for being a slut terrible, I never wanted 453 00:31:37.759 --> 00:31:41.480 to have that reputation. So I just dated college guys and they never knew 454 00:31:41.519 --> 00:31:45.200 about it. I mean I slept with the college guys. I dated the 455 00:31:45.240 --> 00:31:48.039 high school guys, and I didn't get yeah no, because I didn't want 456 00:31:48.039 --> 00:31:52.160 them to give me a bad reputation. Great advice for the teen and stuff. 457 00:31:52.240 --> 00:31:53.880 Yeah, it's what women do, all right. When we come back, 458 00:31:53.920 --> 00:31:57.200 can we start to talk about self help? Apparently I need some self 459 00:31:57.200 --> 00:32:04.559 help here. Nobody gets through life on scathed. Let's talk about all the 460 00:32:04.640 --> 00:32:09.119 self help advice out there that doesn't work. Prove it's not proven by science. 461 00:32:09.559 --> 00:32:14.160 You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty or 462 00:32:14.240 --> 00:32:19.799 live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. 463 00:32:19.839 --> 00:32:22.279 You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine 464 00:32:22.279 --> 00:32:27.480 pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.