WEBVTT

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This is doctor Wendy Walsh, and
you're listening to kf I Am six forty,

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the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on demand
on the iHeartRadio appf I Am six

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forty. You've got doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy

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Walsh Show. Now, I'd like
to welcome my Instagram audience. Hi everybody,

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If you'd like to come into the
studio here at iHeartRadio, just log

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onto my Instagram. The handle is
at doctor Wendy Walsh. All right.

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So a reminder, I'm a psychology
professor, not a therapist, but I'm

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obsessed with the science of love and
I did a dissertation on attachment theory and

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I've written three books on relationships.
So hey, I've got a lot of

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life experience. Let me weigh in
on your love life. Okay, Producer

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Kayla, who do we have on
the line. We have Mike with a

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question. Mike. Hi, Mike, It's doctor Wendy, Doctor Wendy.

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This is Mike from Riverside, California. Hi, Mike from Riverside. What's

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your question? Yeah? Well,
and I don't want to argue with you.

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I just want to, uh,
Sometimes when I listen to you on

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the radio, it seems like you
think marriage should have an expiration date on

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it. When you get married married
for forty two years, Ah, congratulations,

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and you know it's the anniversary of
her passing. Oh. I just

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think you're wrong. Smtimes when you
just say, well, you know,

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we didn't live that long before,
so it's just natural to have two or

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three marriages, and I, well, I think I don't agree with that.

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Well, what I think is that
my language is many people may find

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themselves having two or three long stints
of monogamy or marriage because of their long

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life expectations. You are one of
the lucky people who naturally had a secure

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attachment style and was able to stay
married for forty two years. But for

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those who weren't able to I don't
want them to feel shame. I don't

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like them to hear the term failed
marriage is if they're a failure and you

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were, you might are successful.
You're successful because you I had good,

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loving parents who loved you, and
you learned to accept love, and you

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learned to give love, and you
built a wonderful, secure relationship for forty

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two years. But not everybody has
those tools that you had, and I

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don't want them walking around with shame
that they're trying over and over again to

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figure it out. So thank you
for letting me clarify that, Mike,

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And I'm sorry it sounds like you
lost your spouse, but it sounds like

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it was just a joyful few decades. So thank you for calling. All

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Right, who do we have next? I made mis pronounce this and I

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apologize, but we have Yara with
a question? Yara? Did I say

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that right? Is it? Yara? Yeah? Hi, that's doct you

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Wendy. Hi. Well, I'm
just calling to ask for a little advice.

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I met a wonderful man and he
wanted to see me every day.

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We saw each other for four days
in a row. On Friday he was

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yeah, super nice. On Friday
he was tired, so I went out

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to have dinner with a friend.
Are they I do my regular yoga.

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We went to brunch and I did
not talk to him the rest On Saturday.

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He did text me and call me, but I was not available.

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So I'm here in the home.
You met a guy a week ago,

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you saw him four days in a
row, you took one night off,

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then you saw him for brunch,
So what's the question. He wants to

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see me, but he cannot make
plans, So I say, text me

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or call me whenever you can make
plans. Ah, yeah, that's fine.

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That's setting up a boundary. I
also think, Yara, that seeing

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a new person four days in a
row is a little too much too soon,

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all right, So slow down that
and you're doing it. It sounds

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like you're doing it the right way
by saying, hey, dude, I

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can't just like it sounds like he's
calling and going, hey, you want

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to get together this afternoon or want
to get together tonight and no, no,

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no. You can say I'm sorry, I have plans. Let me

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know what night you're available. We
can book it for next week. And

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that's cool. I think you're doing
the right thing. So slow that boat

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down. I don't want to see
too much too fast for you. Thanks

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for calling you. Rah okay,
producer, Kayla. Who do we have

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next? Do you have? Mary? With the question? Mary? Hi

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Mary, it's doctor Wendy, Hi
doctor Indie. This is Mary from Arizona.

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Hi Mary, Arizona. What's your
question? I have a question.

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My question is I broke up with
my boyfriend for eight months ago and we

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had no contact, and we are
both mature. I am forty five fifty

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three, and we are both highly
educated, so we had zerto contact that

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time. But I'm still in love
with him and I think he is.

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He reached me out a few days
ago for Persian new We are to greet

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me for persion you here, et
cetera. And then we had a After

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a few texts, we had a
conversation and I asked him, let's meet

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because the baby broke up after one
year relationship. It was just text and

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voice on WhatsApp, so I really
didn't have closure for myself, right.

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So now we're going to meet each
other soon in the next couple of days.

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And I really don't know why did
you break up? So wait,

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you dated him for a year eight
months ago you broke up. He now

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reaches out to you. You didn't
contact, nobody, had any contact for

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eight months. He reaches out to
you to wish you happy person New Year,

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and now you're going to meet to
have closure. But you did just

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tell me that you're still in love
with him, So is this really about

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closure or rekindling for you? I
would like to get connected because I think

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we both are good people, and
why did you break up? Why did

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you break up? The breakup was
because the reason where I am actually initiated

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a little bit as a frustration,
not really meaningfully. You did the girls

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saying a lot of women trying to
break up with a guy to bring him

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closer. Yes, exactly, you
laid down the gardlet he went away.

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All right, So here's what I
here's the advice I want to give you.

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First of all, what's your question? Should you try to rekindle?

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How to how to initiate the discussion? Because he told me you asked me

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to me, so probably he's expecting
me I start the conversation. Why don't

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you start by telling him the truth? Why don't you say to him?

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Mary, I have to share something
with you. I was feeling frustrated and

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I actually broke up with you to
try to bring you closer, And then

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I realized how much I've missed you. Just tell him the truth. See

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what happens, novel thing the truth? Thanks for calling Mary? All right?

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Who do we have next? Do
you have? Mel with a question?

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Mal? Hi? Mal? It's
doctor Wendy. Are you doing tonight?

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Hi? Mail from Los Angeles?
What's your question? You sound like

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you're on a Los Angeles freeway.
I am. I'm on the two tree,

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on the two ten. Okay,
what's your question? All right,

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So, so, pretty much recently, well not recent, maybe like about

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three years ago, I broke up
with somebody that I that I met at

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work while I was in a relationship
with, you know, the mother of

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my kids, and now she's my
fiance, so you know, pretty much

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stepped out of the relationship, cheated
on my girlfriend. Then I try to

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break things off with this girl.
Yeah, I'll I'll say responsibility, you

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know, trying to break this big
break things off with the word girlfriend or

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whatever. And I guess she started
she started kind of like threatening me to

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because at first everything was okay,
yeah, I know you're married pretty much

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and that you have a girlfriend.
Ball us trying to pretty much just some

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kind of what do you call that
porn revenge where she kept threatening me I'm

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gonna send this to her, and
I was just like, what, okay,

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so I can get this clear.
Wait, I want to make sure

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I understand this now. So you
were you're married, you've got kids,

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you had an affair, you broke
up with this girl, and now she's

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threatening to send porn to your wife
and blow up your marriage. Well she

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this was three years ago, was
like two years ago when it happened,

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right, Okay, she ended up
doing it, right, she did it?

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Oh yeah, yeah, she did
it. Yeah, she did it.

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And then you know my my my
girlfriend at that time now she's my

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fiancea she told me, hey,
this is what I got. I never

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talked to the girl again. Right, I never talked to her again.

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And I feel guilty because I know
how much I hurt you know, my

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my my, my wife or whatever. Yeah so so, but but and

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I hate to say it, but
it was like a weight off my shoulders,

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right yeah, because there's no secrets. Yeah exactly. So everything is

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fine. Actually, things between me
and my girlfriend or whatever, my wife,

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my fiance, they've never been better. Where like you know, well,

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the thing is this other girl reached
out to me again. Okay,

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no, no, no, I
hope you didn't respond mail. I hope

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you didn't respond. I have I
did I have that respond. Okay,

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here's what you need to do.
Listen to me. I know people,

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she is trying to get you again. So Mel, you need to tell

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come clean and even send the email
to your fiance, so you can,

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cause you're earning trust back with the
mother of your children. You're planning a

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wedding together. And here's this girl
from three years ago who you cheated,

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you know, by a mistake,
you had an affair with and then she

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tried to blow up your this relationship. No, no, no, no

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no. This bad girl needs to
be out of your life, so do

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not respond to her. Send the
email to your fiance and say, I

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just want to be completely open.
This one reached out to me. What

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do you want me to do?
Let her help you make all those decisions.

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You are a team, You're a
united front, you and her.

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Keeping that crazy girl away. Hate
to use that term, but really she's

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not being nice at this point.
You know she lost three years ago,

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had an affair. Now she's gone. You're working on things with the mother

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of your children. This is about
your kids right now. Make that one

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work. Thanks for calling, melt
Do we have time for one more kla?

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The last one we have Mario with
the question Mario, Hi, Mario,

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it's doctor Wendy. Hello. Are
you there? Mario? Yeah,

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I'm here. What's your question?
Love? Yes, I have a blind

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date. Oh Friday, you have
a blind date on Friday. How exciting?

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Yes, yes it is exciting.
But I I want to know if

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you have any advice for me?
What I should? You know? What

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I should say? As far as
my life? Why? What I should?

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What I should not say? As
far as revealing about my personal life?

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Are what I mean? What should
be my any advice? Okay,

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let me just tell you Mario.
First of all, congratulations on the blind

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date on Friday night. Dates are
to a first date are two people pretending

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to be the person they wish they
were. They're a CAD award winning performances.

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Now, here's the thing you're going
to talk about, you know,

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movies that you like and restaurants that
you're like, you're gonna keep it really

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light. And then when you start
to get into something that might be a

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little bit sensitive, like maybe you
have shame about something like maybe you've had

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four divorces or whatever, it's okay
to say, hey, you know,

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I hope to get to know you
well enough to be able to share that

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we're just meeting each other now and
so I'm not ready to share that with

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you. That's perfectly okay. It's
showing that you have boundaries. But talk

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about everything if you want love and
life and whatever. But feel free to

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put up a boundary in a loving
way, like, hey, you know,

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I'd love to get to know you
well enough to be able to share

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that topic, but I'm not ready
right now. But have fun, just

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keep it light, have fun.
First date, line date. All right,

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let me come back. I'm sliding
into my dms because so many people

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have been sending me messages on social
media. You are listening to the doctor

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Wendy Walls Show on kf I am
six forty. We're live everywhere on the

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iHeartRadio app. You're listening to doctor
Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six

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forty. Welcome back to the Dodtor
Wendy wallsh Show. I'm i am six

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forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio
app. I wanted to give social media

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people a chance because you guys send
me those private dms all week on my

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social If you would like to send
me a question on my social media,

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you certainly may. The handle is
at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh

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and reminder, I'm a psychology professor, but not a therapist. But I'm

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obsessed with the science of love,
and I've been through quite a rocky with

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highs and lows, learned the hard
way kind of love life. So I've

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got lots of wisdom to share with
you. All Right, here we go

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into my DMS. Who's sladen into
my DMS? Okay, this listener says,

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Hey, doctor Wendy, I just
found out that the mid thirties guy

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I've been dating for a couple months
has been depressed his entire entire all in

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cap life and has never gotten professional
help. Would you walk away? He

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was even suicidal for a period of
time, but not anymore. He said.

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His father also has a history of
severe depression. So, first of

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all, I'm not adverse to people
with mental health issues having love relationships.

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I mean, it's probably the healthiest
thing we can do for ourselves, right,

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is to have a good, healthy
relationship, because that's good for your

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mental health. On the other hand, the big issue here is that he's

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never gotten treated. I'm wondering if
with him telling you this, he's testing

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you. He's putting out this big
red flag that says I'm about to make

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your life miserable. You're going to
hang on for that and I'm not going

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to try to help myself. So
your question you're asking me is would I

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walk away? I would ask more
questions and make some suggestions, and also

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see how this so called depression.
If he's never sought help for it,

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then he hasn't been diagnosed, So
his version of depression might just be a

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little bit of low self esteem,
of low motivation, slower processing speed,

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whatever. Watch how it shows up
in your life and in the relationship,

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and talk about the symptoms. And
if the symptoms are something you cannot live

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with, and you suggest he gets
help and he doesn't, then I would

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close it, because ultimately your happiness
is important too. Thanks for writing,

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Dear doctor Wendy. I'm thirty three
with no kids, but I do want

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one. I met a forty seven
year old man. He said he'd be

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open to the idea. Is this
reasonable or weird? I don't know the

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question. I'm not sure if I
should pursue dating. So what's weird about

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it? Forty seven year old men
have babies all the time. We do

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know the rates of autism a h
in older fathers. And then you're thirty

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three, so you're gonna want to
get on this pretty quickly. It's reasonable.

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If the only two choices you're giving
me reasonable or weird, it's reasonable.

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Maybe he's been binding away for a
family too, but get into a

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healthy relationship too. Maybe go see
a couple's therapists figure out how that you

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guys can have a healthy relationship if
you're going to rush right into baby making.

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I didn't do that, by the
way, I literally, at the

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age of like thirty thirty five,
met a guy and was pregnant within eight

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weeks. Problem, problem with the
relationship. I love my daughter, she's

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great, but you know we were
rushing into it because of that, and

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we should have gone to couple's therapy
and figured out some stuff first. Uh.

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Dear doctor Wendy says this listener,
how do you feel about your girlfriend

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of one year talking to her male
friend about everything? A male friend who

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I'm I've never met. Okay,
Well, this is a problem because this

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is emotional betrayal. Right, If
this male friend, if she has emotional

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intimacy with him, that is no
different than you having physical intimacy with a

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woman. Right, So I think
you want to say to her, Hey,

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if you're going to continue this relationship, I need to meet this dude.

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We need to be buds. We
need to share a beer. But

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if you have a separate emotional compartment
off to the side with another person who

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might be a backup mate, come
on, think about it. We all

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keep backup mates. It's healthy,
it's normal, somebody in the wings.

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If something ever happened in your current
relationship, who would you call? Right,

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So, don't let this guy hang
there as the backup mate. Insist

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that you meet him and I you
know, you know what Shakespeare says,

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keep your friends close, we keep
your enemies closer. Get close to that

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guy. I know what's up,
all right, Dear doctor Wendy. Last

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night I hooked up with a guy
I really like. It was the first

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time we'd had a few dates.
He texted immediately afterwards, which was nice.

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He's leaving today for a week and
a half trip. How do I

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not be how do I not be
anxious on keeping connection while he's away?

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So you're asking me for anxiety management, right, because there's nothing you can

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do. Now is a time of
weight and watch to see if you move

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too quickly, to see if he's
going to try to keep in touch,

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and in between you're going to breathe. You're going to exercise, you're going

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to hang out with your friends,
you're going to practice self care, you're

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going to meditate, hopefully, you're
not going to drink too much, and

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you're going to wait and watch tell
yourself that there's no mistakes in life.

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But now you're really the test is
on to see if he's really there for

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a real relation. If that's what
you want. It sounds like you do

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a real relationship right all right?
Uh, Dear doctor Wendy, I want

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to know how you handle this.
So you go on a date and it

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goes well, Okay, you like
the guy, he says he likes you.

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You both agree you'd like to go
out again, so you exchange numbers.

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Do you expect him to text the
very next day or is it normal

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to wait a few days before he
reaches out again. I'm just trying to

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figure out if I'm overthinking this scenario. Yes, you're overthinking the scenario,

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but we all think overthink the scenario. So to show that somebody has good

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or impulse control, you want them
to be able to control themselves. The

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ones that text right away and all
over you you should worry about. You

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become enmeshed with those people. They're
controlling. You want them to be cool

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and confident. You want them to
wait a couple days. Just see,

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two to four days is the industry
standard. He wants you to chill and

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make sure that he feels worthy.
Don't you reach out to him first,

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just saying don't all right? So
just wait. You guys have trouble calming

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yourself. Waiting and seeing is very
important. I think I have time for

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one more real quick, quick,
quick, quick, Dear doctor Wendy.

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When I'm on dating apps, one
of the first questions men ask me is

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do you live alone? Can you
please help me? Understand why they would

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ask that? Oh? Simple.
They want to know if there's you alone

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in a warm bed waiting for them. They want to know if you're with

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your parents. They want to know
if there's roommates around. They want to

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know if there's another guy around.
They want to know how they can quarantine

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with you. Yes, of course
they're going to ask that. You don't

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have to answer it right away.
You can just say, wouldn't you like

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to know? No, I don't
know. Maybe you're going to grow intimacy,

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but right away, at the beginning, you can have boundaries because if

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you feel creeped out, if a
guy thinks you're alone and he's gonna find

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your address, you know you can
have some privacy. Uh, okay,

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when we come back. I'm getting
married this summer. I've been reading a

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lot about why couples have conflicts over
wedding planning. We're not, by the

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way, but there's some common conflicts. And if you are engaged or your

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daughter or son is engaged, this
stuff might be going on. Let's talk

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about it when we come back.
You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall

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Show on KFI AM six forty were
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're

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00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:14.559
listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand
from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back

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00:20:14.599 --> 00:20:18.400
to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on
KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on

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the iHeartRadio App. Now, as
I said, I'm getting married and I

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think I'm becoming a bit of a
bridezilla. Now that term bridezilla is so

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bad. It's so negative, right, I mean, as if when a

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woman is planning one of the most
exciting days of her life, she's going

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to get in a bad mood with
everybody, it's not that. I'll tell

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you what it is. And first
of all, here's my history. So

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you guys know, I had a
big white Catholic wedding for my mother when

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I was twenty one years old because
I had shacked up with my college boyfriend

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and she did not like that,
and she got mad at me and said

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she wasn't going to talk to me
as long as I lived with him.

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And I had this crazy way to
assess it at the time, twenty one

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year old brain not fully developed prefrontal
cortex, and that was well, I've

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had a relationship with this woman for
more than twenty years. I've had a

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relationship with this guy for a year. I guess I should listen to the

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woman instead of this guy. So
I had him propose. What did he

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say? What did he say?
He said, oh, all right,

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Uh. You know, somehow I
managed to put the full cord pressure on

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and the next thing you know,
I was full on into Bridezilla mode at

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the age of twenty one. Now
here's the interesting thing I took it.

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I'm very diy handygirl. I was
working at the time. I was doing

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like a gap year in college or
a gap half year or something, and

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I was working for the Royal Canadian
Mounted Police in their Historical Archives division,

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and so I took two months off
work, set up a little sewing studio

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in my parents' dining room, and
I personally sewed five bridesmaid dresses to flower

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girl dresses, and designed and made
my own wedding dress. Oh yes,

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I even made my own wedding cake. Yeah, those fruitcakes that you feed

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rum to for like six weeks,
that was me. I did the flowers.

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It was winter in Canada, so
they were all silk. That was

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the big deal back then in the
early eighties. Now I would go the

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barf, that's fake. But at
the time it was cool. And we

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were divorced three years later. I
have never been married since. It has

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been decades and decades and decades and
decades. As you probably know, I

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was a single mom for eighteen years, kids on my own, no child

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support, one hundred percent child custody. There was no way that I could

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ever fit in a relationship. I
dated a bit here and there and tried,

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but my kids came first. So
now that I have an impending empty

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nest. As you know, if
you listen to KFI, you can actually

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go on my YouTube channel and see
the whole propose here in the KFI studios.

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Julio and I have been together almost
four years and we're getting married this

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summer. So exciting, and I
started the planning. Now here's the irony

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about a woman of a certain age. When you're planning your wedding, everyone

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keeps saying, did you get the
dress? Shet. I have not even

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thought about a dress. But let
me tell you, those tabletops are well

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designed. I got the hurricane candles, I got the floor length at table

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Claws, I got the flowers set
up everything. All the decorating stuff is

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done, has been done in my
head. I have mood boards, I

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got it all. Yes, I'm
diying my own flowers, going to a

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wholesaler. So but the thing I
think that turns women into Bridezilla is the

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stuff that happens leading up to the
wedding and the conflicts. And there are

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common conflicts that couples have. I'm
gonna go through right now all the common

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conflicts and tell you if we have
any of those. I don't even I

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00:24:00.079 --> 00:24:03.640
know Julia's listening. I think he's
still on a plane from New York,

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so he probably is not listening,
but I will tell the truth, all

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right. So the first question,
the first common conflict for most couples planning

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a wedding is the money question.
Because weddings are expensive. Now we are

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finding ways DIY to do it a
little less expensive than some people would.

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We're also placing great value on the
people we want there and a smaller group

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of people, so we don't need
to go over the top with big,

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showy crazy whatever. So so far, money hasn't been a big issue.

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We're we're sharing, splitting it fifty
to fifty, but it's not a big,

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big budget. I mean, we're
probably three thousand dollars over our original

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budget, so we're sticking pretty close
to it. Now. Another thing couples,

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and here's the by the way,
here's the take home for you.

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Figure out what your budget is,
figure out who's paying for that budget,

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and stick to it. Literally.
And we had to downce certain events.

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00:25:00.440 --> 00:25:03.559
It's a weekend thing, right and
destination things. So certain events I'm like,

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oh, nope, we're not providing
booze for that. It's day drinking.

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00:25:07.240 --> 00:25:08.519
We don't need to do that.
Soft drinks there. Cut it down.

359
00:25:10.000 --> 00:25:11.559
So we're just finding ways to cut
costs, and you should too.

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Now, what about family traditions.
You might be of differing religions, or

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you might you know your parents,
Your family might celebrate things in certain ways.

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You need to have these discussions.
Who's walking the bride or groom or

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brides or which brides which grooms down
the aisle. However the combination is.

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In our case, my daughters,
it makes perfect sense. My parents have

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passed away. My dad's not walking
me anywhere. My two young adult daughters

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are going to walk me down the
aisle, and his children will stand up

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beside him. So it's really a
family thing. But there are lots of

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family traditions people argue about. Maybe
there's a family wedding dress that some grandmother

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00:25:52.480 --> 00:25:55.880
wants you to wear that you don't
like. Maybe there's a particular piece of

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jewelry. I'll tell you one of
our wedding rituals. He's not so thrilled

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00:26:00.440 --> 00:26:04.279
about, but he's going to have
to put up with it because we're Canadian.

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And that is the What is it
called a shot ski? If you

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don't know what a shot ski is, look it up online. It's a

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ski, usually a long, skinny
cross country ski. And you bore drill

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four holes in it, exactly the
size of little shot glasses. We now

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use the disposable little mini red cups, and you line up four people and

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they all hold the ski and they
do the shots together. It's a late

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night wedding tradition amongst the Canadians.
Ah, so I know my brother's going

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to bring a shot ski. They'll
figure out a way to do it.

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You might have disagreements about your future
in laws and how much meddling they might

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00:26:44.599 --> 00:26:48.000
have. We don't have that problem. His mother's lovely. I love her,

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00:26:48.039 --> 00:26:51.400
she loves me. All good there, we're fine. But in your

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case, you may need to talk
to your partner about setting some boundaries right.

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00:26:56.000 --> 00:26:59.319
The other big fight, of course, are guest lists. Don't let

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it grow. We kind of did
the opposite. We started with all the

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00:27:03.599 --> 00:27:07.200
people that were the most far away
and gave them really early notice to book

387
00:27:07.240 --> 00:27:11.759
their airfare, hotel, et cetera. And once we knew that number of

388
00:27:11.759 --> 00:27:14.559
people who are going to make that
sacrifice, they were first comfort serf.

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Then we're kind of opening it up, you know, as seats open.

390
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But we're pretty good with that.
And some people fight over clashing visions of

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00:27:22.920 --> 00:27:26.480
what it's going to look like.
Here's the thing about my Julio. He

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00:27:26.480 --> 00:27:29.599
loves all my taste, or at
least he's pretending to love all my taste.

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00:27:29.640 --> 00:27:33.519
I don't care. He's really he
hasn't complained or said anything, but

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he goes it just great. It
looks beautiful, it's wonderful. Looks wonderful.

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Also, the planning duties. Some
people argue about who's doing what.

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00:27:41.279 --> 00:27:42.960
I'm happy to take most of it
on. It's what I'm good at.

397
00:27:44.240 --> 00:27:49.240
I'm very, very efficient at this. So but you might both be really

398
00:27:49.240 --> 00:27:53.440
busy with full time jobs and you
want, you know, one person to

399
00:27:53.440 --> 00:27:56.759
do one or the other think about
it. So that is the stress that

400
00:27:56.839 --> 00:28:02.200
creates a bridezilla. It's all the
billing pressure that comes with a wedding.

401
00:28:03.759 --> 00:28:07.039
You know, I think that Julio
and I have what is called mature love.

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When we come back, let's talk
about whether your love is an immature

403
00:28:12.599 --> 00:28:18.400
love or a mature love. You're
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on

404
00:28:18.480 --> 00:28:22.039
KFI AM six forty. We're live
everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening

405
00:28:22.039 --> 00:28:29.079
to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from
KFI AM six forty. Welcome back to

406
00:28:29.079 --> 00:28:32.799
the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI
AM six forty. We're live everywhere on

407
00:28:32.839 --> 00:28:36.799
the iHeartRadio app. You know,
I have been writing about, talking about,

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singing about everything about the science of
love for quite a few decades now.

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My journey started with me having so
many bad boys and so many bad

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relationships. And then I learned there
was this common denominator in every single one

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of my relationships, and it was
me. I was picking them and I

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was participating in them. And so
as I started to study psychology, study

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the science of love, I started
taking the jewels of wisdom that I would

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unearth and sharing them as a journalist
in language that everybody can understand. But

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here's the other thing, you know, Richard Bach, who wrote that book

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Jonathan Livington Seagull, once said,
we teach best what we most need to

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learn. And so along the way, as I was writing books and blogs

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and making podcasts and radio shows and
sharing all this amazing wisdom and skills of

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relationship. Remember, relationships are far
more about skill than they are luck,

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I was doing this stuff myself.
I was learning, I was practicing.

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We teach best what we most need
to learn. I think when I was

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young, I had immature love,
and now I'm so happy to say that

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I believe I have mature love.
So let's talk about this. Are you

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in a relationship that feels like a
roller coaster with ups and downs all the

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time, where you're so excited at
such highs and then such lows. This

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is not mature love. If you
have poor conflict resolution skills, if after

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a fight, somebody gives somebody the
silent treatment, or you just wash it

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under the bridge and don't even work
it through and process it, and somebody

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has to say, you know,
I'm sorry, and somebody else says,

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oh, we both messed up,
and they both need to take responsibility for

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their individual pieces. If you're not
doing that, you're probably in immature love.

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Also, maybe your relationship has some
level of codependency. When people rely

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on another person or each other to
help them regulate their emotions and that's the

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only way they can feel happiness.
It is unbalanced. Right. It is

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not your partner's job to make you
happy. In fact, your job is

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to make yourself happy. Your job
is to change your reaction to them.

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If you believe you're in a relationship
where you need to change your partner.

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And I did have that thought many
many times when I was young. It's

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like, Okay, it's good in
this area. I just got to get

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him to change this. You know, my life got better and I got

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00:31:22.759 --> 00:31:27.839
happier when I instead focused on how
it could change myself and what I could

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00:31:27.880 --> 00:31:33.079
learn to accept in my partner.
Another thing that I think makes a relationship

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immature is feelings of insecurity. If
you're worried that you're going to lose your

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partner, if you're worried that you're
not good enough for your partner, you'll

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never be able to have a healthy, confident, strong relationship. And the

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final thing I want to say about
immature love is it often involves fear of

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autonomy. You're afraid to grow separately
or do things on your own, or

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00:31:57.039 --> 00:32:01.319
you're afraid to allow your partner to
grow individually. You know, I always

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think of a good healthy relationship as
a ven diagram, you know, those

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two overlapping circles where you have two
individuals who are still growing and they have

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their own friends and jobs and fun. I mean, they share news of

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it all with their partner, and
then they have this overlap where they have

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one life together, right, that's
a healthy relationship, and they accommodate and

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00:32:22.799 --> 00:32:29.160
adapt as each other grows and changes
and brings new energy into the relationship.

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You don't want to get your growth
stunted. So I talked a lot here

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about what is immature love? What
do I think is mature love like I

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have right now? Let's start with
trust. I mean it is the foundation

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of all healthy, mature relationships when
you feel safe to completely confide in your

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partner, tell them anything, and
you know you will still be loved.

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If I'm talking about my relationship right
now, I always say the thing I

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love beat does I get to be
me in it? You know, I

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spent a lot of years being told
by men that I talk too much,

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or I have such strong opinions,
or you know, don't say that,

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And I'm just I hate being shut
down by men. And I have a

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guy who says, oh, we
go out for a hike, and we'll

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go for thirty minutes and you're still
talking, and I'm so entertained by you.

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The time just goes by, and
he's happy with that, he's not

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complaining. It's wonderful also that there's
just no judgment. What I do in

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my relationship is I try to explore
the why, why did you say that,

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Why did you do that? What
were you afraid of there? What

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happened there? Right? That is
called being non judgmental, and that is

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a healthy, happy place to be. And while you're busy non judging and

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00:33:52.920 --> 00:33:57.759
asking why they did something that maybe
you weren't happy with, it gives you

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an opportunity to do the other big
skill of mature love, and that is

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empathizing with them, putting yourself in
their shoes, imagining that you're them.

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If both partners learn to do that
on a regular basis, you will grow

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into a safe, committed relationship.
Now I mentioned conflicts earlier. The way

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we do not resolve conflict, we
meaning the greater we of everybody in the

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00:34:22.599 --> 00:34:29.960
world. We shouldn't name call yell. Obviously, no physical violence, obviously,

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00:34:30.039 --> 00:34:32.480
no blaming like something is always one
person's fault and the other person gets

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00:34:32.519 --> 00:34:37.559
to be the hero because it's never
their fault. No. Resolving conflicts means

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00:34:37.559 --> 00:34:43.559
trying to understand what each other meant
or did right and not getting highly defensive

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00:34:43.880 --> 00:34:46.239
or when we do, because it's
human, finding a way to get back

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00:34:46.280 --> 00:34:51.320
to love afterwards. For sure.
The worst way to have conflict is that

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00:34:51.440 --> 00:34:55.079
silent treatment. You got to talk
about stuff, You got to bring it

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00:34:55.239 --> 00:35:02.559
up. Also, mature love involved
supporting each other no matter what. You

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00:35:02.599 --> 00:35:06.239
know, we are trying to figure
out what our wedding vows are going to

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00:35:06.320 --> 00:35:08.199
be next summer, and he said, why don't we just do the old

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00:35:08.199 --> 00:35:13.119
fashioned traditional ones in sickness and in
health, richer and poor till death to

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00:35:13.199 --> 00:35:15.880
us part Because we're at a certain
age. You know, I've always said

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that when till death Do us Part
was invented, death was pretty imminent,

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00:35:21.239 --> 00:35:24.800
right, But because of our long
life expectancies, people may have two or

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00:35:24.880 --> 00:35:29.519
three long stints of monogamy, They
may have two or three marriages in their

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00:35:29.519 --> 00:35:34.199
life, and so it's more likely
to end with divorce. And that doesn't

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00:35:34.239 --> 00:35:37.159
mean it's a failed marriage, just
means it came to a closure, culmination,

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00:35:37.760 --> 00:35:43.760
its purpose was done. And so
but we're at that age where we're

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00:35:43.800 --> 00:35:47.400
actually maybe someday facing death, and
so as a result, we are going

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00:35:47.480 --> 00:35:52.000
to use I think those words.
We're gonna work on it. And finally,

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00:35:52.039 --> 00:35:57.119
as I mentioned before, maintaining your
own independence, getting to do your

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00:35:57.119 --> 00:36:00.519
own stuff and then bring it back
like pots of gold to the relationship.

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00:36:00.519 --> 00:36:04.400
Guess what I did today? Yes, so I saw today. I mean

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00:36:04.639 --> 00:36:07.079
Julio and I check in probably too
much, at least two, if not

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00:36:07.119 --> 00:36:10.440
three times a day, but usually
it's to bring Monday news. Guess We're

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00:36:10.480 --> 00:36:15.039
just called Guess what just happened?
Right? We literally function as any one

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00:36:15.119 --> 00:36:20.559
mind, but we grow individually and
we're so happy to bring that to each

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00:36:20.559 --> 00:36:25.400
other. And that is what I
wish for you. On that note that

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00:36:25.440 --> 00:36:30.000
brings the Doctor Wendy Wallh Show to
a close. You know, I'm always

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00:36:30.039 --> 00:36:34.679
here for you every Sunday from seven
to nine pm Pacific time, and you

509
00:36:34.719 --> 00:36:37.639
can also follow me on my social
media. The handle everywhere is at doctor

510
00:36:37.679 --> 00:36:39.840
Wendy Walsh. I don't know if
you've been on my TikTok lately, but

511
00:36:39.880 --> 00:36:44.280
I'm doing this new series as I
mentioned that on identity, so you might

512
00:36:44.280 --> 00:36:50.280
want to follow it my little identity
change. And also I do a Patreon

513
00:36:50.599 --> 00:36:52.159
zoom room every Wednesday night and you're
welcome to join us there. Just go

514
00:36:52.199 --> 00:36:57.000
to patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy
Walsh. But I'm always here for you

515
00:36:57.039 --> 00:37:01.360
on KFI even listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty

516
00:37:01.400 --> 00:37:07.719
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.

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00:37:07.760 --> 00:37:10.920
You can always hear us live on
KFI A M six forty from seven to

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00:37:12.000 --> 00:37:15.400
nine pm on Sunday and anytime on
demand on the iHeartRadio app