WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.080 --> 00:00:16.199 Comedy Central Podcast. You heard my name is Jorge Guerra. If there' 2 00:00:16.199 --> 00:00:19.800 s anyone who hasn' t found out I' m a deaf mute, 3 00:00:19.800 --> 00:00:22.640 something you can read here. In addition, the first with j has written 4 00:00:22.719 --> 00:00:27.320 it well the second with g is seen that this rock ended FP and such 5 00:00:27.359 --> 00:00:31.239 when I present myself I usually go to the point and say that I am 6 00:00:31.239 --> 00:00:34.920 metro asexual, that here many people stay like this thinking and I know that 7 00:00:34.960 --> 00:00:40.280 it is curious a guy that reproduces by geming, not even by spores more 8 00:00:40.280 --> 00:00:42.280 than I am metro asexual. It' s just that I give up my 9 00:00:44.520 --> 00:00:45.439 hair, but I don' t fuck and where' s the fun. 10 00:00:45.880 --> 00:00:49.320 You know. I' ve come to think that it' s because of 11 00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:51.799 me that I have something to do with it. I also think that living 12 00:00:51.799 --> 00:00:55.840 in Valladolid, because look bad boy of many. You know or if you 13 00:00:55.840 --> 00:00:58.600 know the fame that girls have in Valladolid, I see that there is not 14 00:00:58.600 --> 00:01:02.439 a group on Facebook that says I once said hello to a girl from Valladolid 15 00:01:02.520 --> 00:01:04.239 and I almost took a host. I mean, I mean, if I 16 00:01:04.319 --> 00:01:07.480 get the fuck out of here without fucking saying hello, you know what? 17 00:01:07.560 --> 00:01:08.760 Another day I spend an aunt, I say later I throw myself out, 18 00:01:08.959 --> 00:01:14.040 I get a shit. I say Maribel, I' m your fucking brother 19 00:01:18.680 --> 00:01:21.519 to see that. You go to Valladolid, you meet an aunt, you 20 00:01:21.560 --> 00:01:23.040 give her two kisses and she makes you the cobra. I mean, it 21 00:01:23.079 --> 00:01:26.480 ' s not normal. You put a computer on the Internet in Valladolid. 22 00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:30.120 When you get the typical banner this of looking sluts in your area. I 23 00:01:30.120 --> 00:01:34.480 always give to the one who does and I leave the circle to this looking, 24 00:01:37.879 --> 00:01:42.200 searching, searching and in the end you send me alamanca. You know 25 00:01:42.120 --> 00:01:48.719 that' s not a dick. I also told you I was waxing. 26 00:01:48.799 --> 00:01:51.040 This isn' t about hobby. I' m saying it' s not 27 00:01:51.079 --> 00:01:53.079 about hobby and there are guys who wax more and more. I know because 28 00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:57.000 you don' t see hair in your urinals anymore, but mine is out 29 00:01:57.000 --> 00:01:57.159 of necessity. You know, I was going for a man. I stayed 30 00:01:57.159 --> 00:02:01.280 in a fucking monkey. Go say the human body seventy percent water. I 31 00:02:01.319 --> 00:02:07.000 must be dry. You know, I don' t see my feet, 32 00:02:07.520 --> 00:02:10.520 I mean fuck if I' m a hobbit. You know I can' 33 00:02:10.560 --> 00:02:14.520 t go out in summer for a walk in my flip flops without being laughed 34 00:02:14.599 --> 00:02:15.319 at I' m told where you' re going. That' s where 35 00:02:15.400 --> 00:02:19.280 the bite is on the other side, so then they tell me the human 36 00:02:19.319 --> 00:02:22.039 body is the perfect machine of shit. That' s why I' m 37 00:02:22.120 --> 00:02:24.719 getting bald and I have hairs on my shoulders, so start using the gel 38 00:02:24.759 --> 00:02:29.879 for my head. Shampoo to the rest of the body pussy. Then you 39 00:02:29.919 --> 00:02:37.360 know the champuache that head and shoulders, if the only guy who used champu 40 00:02:37.400 --> 00:02:46.919 with a criterion. I' m much more concerned about the hair that comes 41 00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:49.599 out in places where I shouldn' t have hairs on my back, which 42 00:02:49.639 --> 00:02:53.439 is that I look like a kiwi. All I mean, I sweat and 43 00:02:53.439 --> 00:02:55.599 he turns his back on me like he' s cool with the quick watering 44 00:02:55.599 --> 00:03:05.639 lawn. You know, it' s mud, because seriously, my ass 45 00:03:05.680 --> 00:03:07.759 has hairs. You know, they call him bald a lot. I can 46 00:03:07.840 --> 00:03:10.759 ' t, you know. I crouch here, you think you' re 47 00:03:10.800 --> 00:03:15.400 seeing an iwak with mumps. You know. It' s very frustrating when 48 00:03:15.439 --> 00:03:16.960 I go with the coleras with the car. We do the typical thing that 49 00:03:17.039 --> 00:03:21.879 guys do about pulling their asses out the window, that we do. You 50 00:03:21.960 --> 00:03:25.680 don' t know how frustrating it is to get ahead of you with a 51 00:03:25.719 --> 00:03:30.000 car and far from offending, it' s funny, look at a doggy, 52 00:03:30.719 --> 00:03:37.120 look out and I' m going to throw it away. But now 53 00:03:37.120 --> 00:03:38.639 that you know my name, you know where I' m from. You 54 00:03:38.680 --> 00:03:43.080 know I' m padded. I' m gonna be more serious. I 55 00:03:43.080 --> 00:03:45.520 ' m going to talk about my real profession, and I' m a 56 00:03:45.520 --> 00:03:47.919 veterinarian. Right, I took the race a long time ago. I think 57 00:03:47.919 --> 00:03:51.840 the money had something to do with all this, and I' m glad 58 00:03:51.840 --> 00:03:54.520 it' s already a professor. You know all that that by the laughs 59 00:03:54.560 --> 00:04:00.000 I reduce that there is more than one graduate around here, because it is 60 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:01.360 curious, like everyone assumes that, by the fact of being a veterinarian, 61 00:04:01.520 --> 00:04:04.840 I have to know everything about all the animals on earth. I mean, 62 00:04:04.840 --> 00:04:08.879 they' ve come to ask me, I promise you, I hear Jorge 63 00:04:08.919 --> 00:04:12.719 seen in a documentary that the furry Argentine armadillo, in long periods of starvation, 64 00:04:12.719 --> 00:04:15.280 can become scavengers. That' s true. I' m so fucking 65 00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:18.399 sorry, so go fucking vet. I don' t know if you think 66 00:04:18.480 --> 00:04:24.000 there are armadillo- type subjects in the race, not for citizenship. They 67 00:04:24.079 --> 00:04:26.279 don' t give you credit. No, fuck you, you know it 68 00:04:26.279 --> 00:04:29.480 happens to me. It happens a lot when they know I' m a 69 00:04:29.519 --> 00:04:38.279 veterinarian, they tell me ah vet, because my pussy has a cat MM 70 00:04:38.279 --> 00:04:40.399 and there' s a pause. Not like waiting for my reaction, like 71 00:04:40.439 --> 00:04:42.879 I gave a shit about the cat and the wedge. It' s like 72 00:04:42.879 --> 00:04:46.319 I see a fucking computer, because my father has a mac but a half. 73 00:04:46.360 --> 00:04:48.639 How you stayed there, but I fice uh, you fuck, I 74 00:04:57.000 --> 00:05:00.839 worked at a veterinary clinic. I remember that the typical sign came with his 75 00:05:00.839 --> 00:05:02.399 pet, a dog or a cat, because you know that people are not 76 00:05:02.439 --> 00:05:04.959 dogs or cats. Then they tell me you' re a sea of dogs 77 00:05:04.959 --> 00:05:08.360 or a cat. I mean, don' t call it weird, but 78 00:05:08.439 --> 00:05:10.920 I' ve had beef chops. You know, the typical lady came to 79 00:05:10.959 --> 00:05:13.720 me with her dog, a little dog, an ugly thing. I didn 80 00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:16.279 ' t know if a dog, a pendriife that shit and for her he 81 00:05:16.439 --> 00:05:18.399 ' s a gorgeous dog and he' s the smartest thing in the world. 82 00:05:18.439 --> 00:05:21.160 He tells me if my animal is smart I put my shoes on, 83 00:05:21.480 --> 00:05:25.000 I put on my coat, I take the leash and you know we go 84 00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:28.560 to the street and I say smell it eh who it will have gone out 85 00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:34.879 to. But deep down, that sincere lady, because imagine of the lady 86 00:05:34.920 --> 00:05:38.240 who puts on her shoes, puts on her coat, grabs the leash, 87 00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:41.920 goes to the door of the street sorry, goes the sofa and lies down. 88 00:05:43.120 --> 00:05:46.439 You know, you have to be a lying bitch to make an anime. 89 00:05:46.519 --> 00:05:47.279 That' s not done. Those like when you hook up a dick 90 00:05:47.319 --> 00:05:49.040 and it' s got a tail. Those things aren' t done. 91 00:05:50.959 --> 00:06:00.600 But I want to ask you one thing as a vet, and it' 92 00:06:00.680 --> 00:06:01.839 s to leave and ask us stupid questions. You know, I understand that 93 00:06:01.920 --> 00:06:05.519 if you have a professional friend, ask questions about respect, especially if computer 94 00:06:05.519 --> 00:06:10.399 science complains a lot about questions. I have a professional friend, the Civil 95 00:06:10.480 --> 00:06:14.800 Guard. I recognize that I ask you a lot of questions, guy where 96 00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:17.879 are you going to put control tonight from how many grams is jail? It 97 00:06:17.920 --> 00:06:21.199 ' s true that you don' t pay in the putis things like that, 98 00:06:21.879 --> 00:06:30.360 no, but the vets. Thanks to veterinarians you ask us a lot 99 00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:34.879 of absurd questions and I' ve made a list of real questions that I 100 00:06:34.879 --> 00:06:41.839 ' ve been asked throughout my life. I tell you, Jorge, Jorge, 101 00:06:42.079 --> 00:06:45.879 because they talk like that when I get pre- George, listen to 102 00:06:45.920 --> 00:06:46.120 the dots that my bitch has in her belly. They' re bad, 103 00:06:46.439 --> 00:06:54.360 I can cut them off. They' re nipples, Jorge, animals fart. 104 00:06:54.959 --> 00:06:57.439 I say clearly they fart, but they don' t always have to 105 00:06:57.480 --> 00:07:00.720 be blamed. Asume, Jorge, I have one or something that doesn' 106 00:07:00.839 --> 00:07:01.920 t eat me anything. I tried thinking, I tried cans. I' 107 00:07:01.959 --> 00:07:03.720 ve taken him to eat eggnogs and I don' t know what. You 108 00:07:03.800 --> 00:07:06.879 recommend that by giving him ten euros and you want to buy him you know, 109 00:07:09.120 --> 00:07:13.160 Jorge, I could put my freshwater fish in a saltwater aquarium I don 110 00:07:15.360 --> 00:07:17.519 ' t know why you can, but they would cook their eyes. Effect, 111 00:07:17.759 --> 00:07:26.000 after Jorge, why dogs' hives smell of feet. Like this, 112 00:07:27.600 --> 00:07:29.759 I don' t know. This is one of those things you have to 113 00:07:29.839 --> 00:07:35.720 believe. It' s not like the sperm you' re winged about telling 114 00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:45.120 me and continuing. Jorge, it' s true that if you give chocolate 115 00:07:45.120 --> 00:07:47.000 to dogs they become blind. This is completely true. But, like people, 116 00:07:47.079 --> 00:07:51.120 it' s not right to give them joints. And Jorge, it 117 00:07:51.120 --> 00:07:57.199 ' s true that drug dogs get drugs. That' s true. Uh, 118 00:07:57.399 --> 00:08:01.000 and the best- kept secret is that the agents are all there, 119 00:08:01.000 --> 00:08:07.720 too. But, well, I finished the race to get on with my 120 00:08:07.800 --> 00:08:11.360 life and I decided to go to work abroad, to England, and I 121 00:08:11.439 --> 00:08:15.399 say I decided to mark it because it was my choice. Not like now 122 00:08:15.399 --> 00:08:18.120 that a lot of people are gonna have to throw' cause they' re 123 00:08:18.120 --> 00:08:20.279 really bad. I ate in the feeling the poor is true is fatal. 124 00:08:20.399 --> 00:08:24.040 You put work on Google. You don' t even get the lucky button, 125 00:08:24.360 --> 00:08:28.600 you know. You hit the whole thing there and it comes out looking 126 00:08:28.600 --> 00:08:33.519 for you, searching and I' m going to be sent to Salamanca looking. 127 00:08:35.879 --> 00:08:37.879 You don' t get that, I mean. Maybe he meant downstairs, 128 00:08:37.120 --> 00:08:41.080 maybe he meant it' s going well. Then he redirects you to 129 00:08:41.120 --> 00:08:45.080 Google Maps and sends the fuck straight to you. Well. I saw they 130 00:08:45.159 --> 00:08:48.840 needed vets in Yort and I went there. I didn' t know much 131 00:08:48.919 --> 00:08:52.559 about that town, but the basics aren' t ham and they have a 132 00:08:52.559 --> 00:08:54.399 duchess. I mean, if I get paid in black, they' ll 133 00:08:54.399 --> 00:08:58.360 embroider it. I say there to the office receives me boss hallow Hor Yo 134 00:08:58.720 --> 00:09:01.919 and Gover we the King hor YouTube i e at last things hout youdo and 135 00:09:01.960 --> 00:09:07.120 you didn' t just ask me this already because they are very polite. 136 00:09:07.200 --> 00:09:09.960 The English are like very correct, a roll in reverse of what happens in 137 00:09:09.960 --> 00:09:13.039 Spain. Not that the rock falls on you, you fall for it, 138 00:09:13.200 --> 00:09:16.360 but you get drunk and you fall for it. You don' t in 139 00:09:16.440 --> 00:09:18.039 the English fall from fucking mothers to drunks and say fuck what' s miserable. 140 00:09:18.200 --> 00:09:22.279 You know who educates them. The truth is that they educate you very 141 00:09:22.440 --> 00:09:24.480 well in the sorry, but that they are small all sorrys want something, 142 00:09:24.759 --> 00:09:28.840 sorry you want a bad Shorry beer. Here they educate us more at the 143 00:09:28.960 --> 00:09:31.759 Please, you want something and the mother tells you and how they say it. 144 00:09:31.080 --> 00:09:33.759 You say please and you take it away not what happens that they maintain 145 00:09:33.840 --> 00:09:37.519 this education until they are older, we lose it and if you don' 146 00:09:37.639 --> 00:09:41.960 t realize like when we ask for time on the street, no, I 147 00:09:41.600 --> 00:09:46.879 mean, what ways are those that come to you a fact, I have 148 00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:50.480 time. No, man, you don' t know. I have the 149 00:09:50.519 --> 00:09:52.879 dilemma that I say if I tell him I' m not taking a shit, 150 00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:54.759 I' m gonna freak him out. If I tell you if you 151 00:09:54.840 --> 00:09:58.639 ' re going to take my watch off, I mean, my solution is 152 00:09:58.639 --> 00:10:07.879 that you say it. Hey, what do you say? That' s 153 00:10:09.000 --> 00:10:13.759 how the Spaniards have no idea what England is at a geographical level. I 154 00:10:13.759 --> 00:10:16.639 mean, I lived in a city called Stocon Trent, which probably doesn' 155 00:10:16.759 --> 00:10:18.360 t sound like it. Don' t worry about the English either, I 156 00:10:18.480 --> 00:10:22.759 mean it' s not serious, those in Terue, the British no, 157 00:10:22.960 --> 00:10:28.559 but I was this with trend is famous because yesterday Robbie Williams and the captain 158 00:10:28.639 --> 00:10:31.759 of the Titanic, a certain john Smith, who I say looks capped that 159 00:10:31.840 --> 00:10:33.639 the same ton of a boat that makes you a pair of slippers. You 160 00:10:33.639 --> 00:10:37.360 know, I mean, don' t look at the East guy from Italy, 161 00:10:37.919 --> 00:10:39.399 the Concordia Coast guy. That frame a jones made me in full swing. 162 00:10:39.440 --> 00:10:41.879 I didn' t fuck with you on a boat and then the bastard 163 00:10:43.120 --> 00:10:45.679 got his ass kicked out, because I remember he was in this thing with 164 00:10:46.120 --> 00:10:46.799 a train that, I repeat, is north and calls me a bird. 165 00:10:46.919 --> 00:10:50.279 My mother picked up the phone. Jorge told me, you' re okay, 166 00:10:50.360 --> 00:10:52.279 something happened to you. He' s here. I say thank you 167 00:10:52.360 --> 00:10:54.679 for calling Mom, but it happened. You know it' s so serious 168 00:10:56.320 --> 00:10:58.240 and tell me it says nothing that they' ve planted bombs in London. 169 00:10:58.600 --> 00:11:03.879 I' m saying you' re worried about the blast wave, so they 170 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:07.480 put shrapnel on it or something so you can see that we have no idea 171 00:11:07.919 --> 00:11:11.559 what England is at the geographic level. Notice as everyone who leaves in England 172 00:11:11.639 --> 00:11:15.240 and no matter where, no matter what. The north of the south, 173 00:11:15.440 --> 00:11:18.200 the east, the west becomes that of London. That' s right. 174 00:11:18.240 --> 00:11:20.759 I' ve been London' s colleague. For my mother, he was 175 00:11:20.960 --> 00:11:24.159 the son of London. You had to see your proud friends by now. 176 00:11:24.200 --> 00:11:26.519 There is, then, a son who is in London and I am not 177 00:11:26.519 --> 00:11:30.720 a mother. I saw well this with trend that is near Manchester. So 178 00:11:30.759 --> 00:11:33.519 that' s why I have a son who' s doing a Manchester in 179 00:11:33.519 --> 00:11:43.919 London. Sometimes, and before I say goodbye to you, I want to 180 00:11:43.960 --> 00:11:48.320 make a reminder to an English woman who already left us, but well, 181 00:11:48.759 --> 00:11:52.399 it was pretty important. Not Margaret Ttcher, and I want to remember her 182 00:11:52.519 --> 00:11:56.879 to reassure all those monarchists here in the room who watch TV because I guess 183 00:11:58.480 --> 00:12:01.600 they' re worried, because they think that if this woman being the iron 184 00:12:01.639 --> 00:12:03.639 lady, then in the end it didn' t go so well. No 185 00:12:03.679 --> 00:12:07.039 and of course, we king with so much operation, so much fall, 186 00:12:07.240 --> 00:12:09.279 well, but I want to reassure you because he will not be of iron. 187 00:12:09.639 --> 00:12:13.039 But fuck our titanium kings, that holds much longer. So, thank 188 00:12:13.159 --> 00:12:20.440 you so much for your attention. Thank you very much.