Welcome to Softcore History. What is up? Welcome back to Softcore History.
I am your host for the week, Rob Fox and I am joined as
always by Jake Goldman and Dan Rejester. How are you doing today, kids,
I'm good, I'm great. I like how we start his podcast and
Dan was like, I can tell I can see in your face you like,
I don't think I'm gonna speak. I don't need to put your voice
out into the world. Speak softly, carry big stick. M That doesn't
work for an audio first situation. Please, people, I don't have a
stick, buddy. Oh we're telling about people. Are like driving to work.
You're not saying anything. You're like Dan power. I can tell he's
being powerful. In the corner over there, Dan is a really exuding a
mood. They can hear it. I gotta pull over. This is fucking
crazy. Too hot, too hot. Oh it's my shadow, dad today,
it is your shadow. Do we ever explained to the people what shadow
day is? I don't know. Everyone at the table where I was drinking
yesterday had not heard of shadow days, So I don't think it's we're friends
with them, I know. So we did this thing specifically for Jake's birthday
a couple of years ago where Jake was like celebrate birthday and we were like,
all right, all right, okay, here's a rule. This fun
game we're gonna play. Uh, the day after your birthday is called shadow
Day. And however nice we are to you on your birthday, that's how
mean we get to be to you the day after your birthday. So I
isolate on my birthday now. So yeah, we treat you like like a
virgin that's gonna be sacrificed to the sun. You know what I mean.
We're giving you like fruits and wine and oils and all this stuff, and
then we're gonna cut your fucking heart out in the morning. Broke midnight,
Yeah no, they I was out as soon as it hit midnight. As
soon as it hit midnight on my birthday and my birthday was officially over,
it got bad. I was force fed shots, I got haze. Basically
I was very drunk, and they like bought me a blow up doll,
sex doll. It was like a little sheep that was like we had to
carry that around. Were like, do it. So today's your shadow to
day, my shadow. I need to beat the fuck out no, because
you weren't nice to him on to birth nice to me. You didn't.
You weren't around him, you didnnew anything. You guys also an ins up
from my birthday. So yeah, so we weren't mean on your shadow to
day. Yeah. So that's the thing you it's it's it is directly tied
to how nice people were to you on your birth So if anything, if
I didn't interact with you, it's the nicest interaction I could have. That's
giving yourself too much credit. And I think you're pleasant to be around.
Yeah, you're you're neutral when you're not, so because you're not there.
Yeah, and all I so all I for Jake's birthday. All I did
I said happy birthday. So I guess fuck you. Okay, that's all
I can That's all you can do, even right, But like, for
example, if I was like, hey, Jake, relax, like I'll
walk your dog for you today, I get to just like hit your dog
with my car. Yeah the next day, not kill it, right,
because I didn't say it's life. But yeah, I see what you mean.
Yeah, Yeah, that's fair. It has to be related and proportional.
That's true. That's true. Anyway, make sure you like and subscribe
to this podcast and leave a written review for the love of god, please
we need it. We love it. We had to really, Uh,
I don't. I think you might have shared it, Dan, I can't
remember, but I'm gonna read it on air real quick because it tickled me.
But yeah, please leave reviews on Apple. You don't leave review on
Spotify. You just leave a five star. But I kind of can on
episodes. Oh, you can like leave a note or something. Yeah,
but like only we can see it. I think I don't know. I've
never Oh they're all mean, really because if I don't care if you leave
us five stars, you're gonna be mean. Yeah, just leave the five
stars has to have a five star. I've had people give us good reviews
and give us three stars, and I'm like you, yeah, thank you
for your honest reviews, like pretty good, I liked it three stars.
Like that's so fucking unhelpful. That's just it's just weird. We don't want
to tank. Yeah, please don't. We're not trying to get draft picks
right now. No no, no, no, uh said. This is
from EWB forty eight. Listen up. A pleasant Jerry, A pleasant Johnt
through history from twenty thousand BC to about thirty years ago. A podcast for
mud People by mid people. That's us. I don't know if I don't
know if you meant mud people he meant. I don't know if he meant
people both times or mid people both times, or if that was what he
know he meant exactly what he I think he met met exactly said. He
means we're slightly above the mud people. That is our audience. Yeah,
but we're still were the kings of the mud, of the mudpicks. We're
the people that get like Baltic in monopoly, like the first two ones.
You can land on him. We just fuck. There were slum lords,
yeah, yes, yeah, that we're that that's the way to be though.
Yeah, there's a lot of money in slumming. Yeah. Donald Sterling
was a slum lord. Yeah, that man owned the Clippers. Lots of
people are slum lords. Listen, just don't take any photos with them,
Okay, just don't do it. We also what Rob tells his wife when
she hangs around Magic Johnson's true. Sure the voicemail if you want to call
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right, but it's just me versus Jake. What. Oh, I'm
sorry. Like it's a better competition is news to me? Yeah? Yet
it's not like I don't know who wins yet because people, because it comes
out Wednesday. Not mind spoiler alert. I don't even know this, but
it's not me. Check it out. It might be Oh I'm into the
Dan rigging now. I like it. Mine's all like Angel Korean history,
and yours is like nineties gators foot six gas. Yeah, the whole game.
How do you know how that's awesome? Um? Yeah, but subscribe
to our patron fidos the whole huge back catalog, all evergreen shit and um
you know, uh, we just passed five hundred, so we're thankful to
all you guys who subscribed. I mean, it'll go back down under five
hundred and a half. Your cards get declined, but we are thankful for
now. Yeah, we need you to try and get you to join.
So if you're one of those, if you're one of those kinds of people
that has like current credit cards, feel free to join our patriot. That
would be great. And by the way, we can see who gets declined
and we report you to credit agencies. Yeah, Jake, I think you
did. Like last week, I had to be you because he's joined in
April and then left in May. It's not me. I am subscribed to
Jake. That Jake. It literally said, Jake, did my card maybe
expire? Man? God damn. It's more prominent than we thought. Yeah,
it happens always laught for like how how well I active right now?
That many people would make sense for a much larger Yeah, that's what I'm
saying. It's like twenty I know, it's like way too suck my dick.
It's a different Jake that joined at the same time. I think this
is a siop. But whatever, they're just muddying the waters. Yeah.
Uh, let's get in this week's episode. We've got a fun one today.
Today we're going to talk about something that is so aggressively outrageously on brand
for us that I cannot believe we've not done this as a topic already.
This might be like the most on brand topic we've ever had go on.
Yeah. Um, and maybe you guys have heard of this at home or
YouTube. I hadn't. Maybe even if I had come across it before,
I've definitely forgot about it. Today we are going to do an entire episode
on the most famous and legendary foreskin in human history. Foreskin huh m hmm.
A Jewish Man it's or North American apparently a Jewish Man, not even
North American, because I don't think Mexicans do it. Yeah, I think
it's just a Anglo North Americans. Yeah. Uh. This is also this
foreskin one of the greatest religious relics of the Middle Ages, you perhaps of
all time. Forget Santa's bones. Today we're talking about the Holy Prepus,
the foreskin of Jesus of Nazareth Nazareth. Wait, they have Jesus's foreskin somewhere
allegedly. Come on, Okay, what do you think is under the Vatican
right, it's just floating in like a little like suspended, like there's lights
shining on it, like museum lights, and shit. And it's yeah,
no, it's just like a pink Panther movie. We have to sneak in
through laser beams and like swipe it and replace it with like a funnion.
Yeah, because that's what I'm imagined, a piece of Calamaris Calamari's find something
crispy and giant and circular. Yeah, yeah, get like one that's too
big, and people are just like, good, the damn Jesus the baby
because the giant the penis um. But based on some of the stories that
baby Jesus will get into touch on slightly, he could have had it.
You could have had a hog. He did a lot of stuff most normal
babies didn't. So well maybe uh this foreskin, it would actually not make
sense for Jesus to have a penis what. Don't even tempt him mckendaal.
He avoids the temptation. He's pure part human. Yeah, he half human
half, but he's also half God. Right. You think God doesn't a
deck. God should have a throbbing Oh, God has whatever she wants.
Yeah. Yeah. If God wants to have a perfect little almond shape pussy
one day, God has that. If God wants to have just a fucking
Kraken's arm of a fucking cock. The next day you can have that?
Is it gay to fuck God? No? No, it's an easy question.
I don't know. I hope that's on the trivia. That's question why,
Jake, You're right, I'm already had already had sucking ding ding ding
ding? What about like I would say yes, so that say that what
you need to what you need to have that? Then do is have some
guy? Every question is actually very subjective. Yeah, that would actually be
a really funny check. How are you? That would be a really funny
round of the game show in the future. Is that you just pick the
opinion you like more, not even a debate. It's just like a one
word, one sentence answer, Rob, how am I feeling today? I
mean pensive? You look bad. You'll but you'll say good, but it
is bad. Dan, No, not correct. I think he's doing great.
We are going to subtract a point from your score already to suck it,
Rob, I don't give a shit. I'm gonna win the shit out
right, out right. I'm so excited for this, I'm gonna fucking sweep
it. Um. So this foreskin has a rich and long history. Now
obviously, Jesus, being Jewish, was circumcised. We actually have briefly discussed,
I believe at one point in one of our episodes a while ago.
We did we have discussed Jesus's circumcision before, because we've mentioned that eight days
after Christmas is the feast of the circumcision. Oh that makes sense, So
you gotta eat some food when the Savior gets his force can cut off?
Do you? I guess I don't know. It's on New Year's Day,
so you're just kind of hung over and feel like shit. Yeah, I
was just thinking about this, like you gotta it's tough, man. That's
a Hopefully the Moil didn't know who he was circumcising. I think he knew
exactly who I actually what was it would do a moil even do it back
then? Was this like an at home situation? God? I hope it
wasn't. I would imagine there's at least a specialty person for like, there's
at least one dick guy in the right in the crowd smith in any Jewish
village. Yeah, you'd have a dick smith with the blacksmith with anything else.
Um, goddamn dude, Like I did you see the me my post
it the other day. Yes, uh, that you go. You could
check our instagram. Depending on when you're listening to this, you might have
to scroll back a little bit, but you'll know what as soon as you
see it. It was about the painting list, the circumcision of Abrah.
The angel just pointing at Abra him's dick, and Abraham's looking at him like
you sure. Abraham's like, oh man, he's just cutting the two this
way? Why this way? The angels like right there, right, like
can you do it with your powers? Okay? Now so again hear me
out, Abraham burning bush guy? Right? No, man, Moses was
the burning Oh that's right. I thought Abram Abraham just met with the angel.
Yeah, so any other time in history this guy says he sees angels
and they're telling him to cut a part of his dick off. Right,
that's not just the schizophrenic guy, right, this is the one time.
That's what that's how you know that's part of me? Is like oh,
like you know, there's an argument like why would God gobeck dude? Why
did God quebec? No? Because maybe that was the only time we'd believe
him or believe someone who saw him right, or maybe that's you know,
maybe it's all voices in her fucking heads. Dude, there's no faith now,
like no one. I wouldn't even believe anyone. And I started hearing
God talk to you in your head. You would go to a doctor,
You would go to a doctor. Well, not if it was George Burns.
He's George Burns, like in the movie Oh God. Have you seen
it? No, we had to watch it in school. Have you ever
seen that movie being John Malkovich, Oh God, starring John Denver, John
and George Burns. Yes, No, I haven't seen that. Yeah,
he's just George George Burns that shows up and he's like, ah, I'm
God. He's like smoking a cigar. I don't think that was in the
script. I think he was just like I only work with a cigar in
my hand and all just riffs. Yeah, that's cool. It didn't follow
the script at all. It wasn't about God. Actually, he just showed
up and he's like, all right, fack face, I'm God today.
And where I decided my characters God were to say whatever I want. They
were just like, all right, new movie, let's go, let's do
it. I watched some fucking clip of Carson the other day with George Burns
on it randomly, and uh, he told Johnny Carson, and I believe
it that he smoked twenty cigars a day. That's like a pack of cigarettes,
but just cigars instead. It's insane. Every cigar is allegedly like a
pack of cigarettes. Smoke twenty packs of cigarettes a day? Get on his
level? He lived like a hundred So what do you want? This man
was a living piece of beef chair. It's predisposition to things that I think
gets to you. Like if you have a long history of lung cancer in
your family, you probably shouldn't smoke, right, But if you don't let
a rip chief them, there's nothing that's gonna stop you. Yeah, that's
right. I mean if you're if you because like, living long is a
thing you inherit as well to a large extent. So like if all your
grandparents and great grandparents lived into like their eighty especially, that means people way
before them were living that long, which and like if those people were living
into their eighties and just fucking it's not true, shit time. It's all
about diet and exercise habits. It's sure not. Those people that have the
best always die young. It's people that drink whiskey every day, ye smoke
a cigar. So yeah, No, it is habits. It's habits some
So what do you what aide? You have yourself elf pegged for me?
Yeah, I've been saying this. I'm gonna die violently, like in my
forties. Probably. Okay, maybe you honk your horn because they cut you
off in a dangerous way and you're just letting them know, hey, I'm
here, I'm here. Yeah, Yeah, you give like the nice one,
like thee like hey, like it's like and then he pulls out a
bat. It's a gun. It's a good yeah. Where we live,
Where we live? Yeah, and he doesn't think twice he's had a bad
day. There's a TikTok prank video right now where a guy rolls down his
window to get other people rolled down their window and he rolls it back up
just to like fuck with him. He just rolls it back up and ignores
him after that. I actually don't honk, I rarely. I don't believe
in honking. I take the insurance claim. That's what I believe in.
I just you know, I can't get too angry on the road. It
just it doesn't phaze me. I get frustrated with traffic when it's like rubber
necking. That's about it. Really, that's the only time I appreciate people
slowing down. I'm like, okay, if there's a body, yeah's all.
That has to be the worst way to go because you're really causing inconvenience
to everybody's lives. Yeah, yeah, that's past. You're just like bleeding
out, like sorry for the TRUP. I hope you make your meeting.
I know there's an all hands meeting today that you need to make. Could
have been settled with an email I now, I know, but you gotta
be there anyway. The kid that rolls his window up, if he did
that here, he would be shot. Like two, there was another frank
I saw that did go wrong or almost went horribly wrong. These two like
black dudes were just running up to people's cars and pouring water on them from
a gasoline can. Oh yeah, that's dumb. Yeah. And one guy
he pours it on this dude's pickup truck, jacked up pickup truck. And
the license plate says like Ranch seven or something. So the license plate might
as well have just said gun in car, yes, will use will like
happily yeah, and he just goes Kanye twenty twenty and like pours. I
mean, that's pretty rad, a funny thing. The guy like has a
gun and he's like what and pulls out a meaning He's like, it's water,
it's water, it's water, and he goes, you almost died.
You tell him, son of a bitch. And then as soon as the
fucking black dude realizes that the dude, the redneck's not gonna shoot him,
he goes, fuck you pussy, he almost deserved you a shot. He
did deserved to get shot. Yeah, yeah he didn't though he did.
I'm saying he didn't get shot. Oh he didn't get shot. Yeah,
that means God didn't want to. I'm pretty like in the zone in my
car too. I've seen people run up on me to try to like jack
my car, and I've like hit the gas. Where do you live live
in the same city, dude, None that's ever happened to me. Dan
lives in a weird carve out of Austin where it's like your car's just gonna
get smashed into you once a week. It's crazy to me too, because
both of us are from far more dangerous cities than this city. Yeah,
and I really only had my car broken into wants in Philly and it was
by like a child, a kid, yeah, no, like an actual
kid, maybe like eight or nine years old, sick, and I was
at fuck. I was at a temple party in high school. Sure,
okay, University of Temple, yes, I know, I know. I
was getting excited. Oh yeah, he was like, it's a bar mitzvah
No University Temple in high school, went to a basement party, went back
to my four tours and uh yeah, like an eight or nine year old
just kind of jimmy and in with a crowbar. Do you know what I
call him? Society wants to call him a criminal. I call him an
entrepreneur. I do too. I wasn't even mad. I had k come
on that balls on that kid. I used to when in grade school.
I used to go to school with this kid who was like in a gang
and all this shit, like from a rough the wrong side of the track
situation. And he was just telling me about how he would go to downtown
Saint Louis at night on the weekends at like he was like twelve, and
they would just like sell weed on the corner and I was like, oh
you should. You're gonna die like badly. Like a lot of people think
that whole chappelle a bit about the baby on the corner and being uh,
you know, a little outrageous selling crack. It's not. It happens,
Yeah, it happens. But yeah, so Jesus, being Jewish, were
circumcised, had the circumcision of Christ and anything anyway. According to several sources,
including an apocryphal gospel called the Arabic Infancy Gospel UM and the Koran,
actually baby Jesus did some pretty fun stuff. I do recall Baby Jesus in
the Koran. It's like like Kim Jong un baby stories. Yes, yes,
oh it's it's absurd one hundred million percent. And this is I believe
the Arabic. He learned to ride a meal eighteen days old. You're not
far off, yeah, like you're all almost right there. It was a
horse. Yeah, he broke the horse at twenty days old. Yeah,
it was the unbreakable horse. And at one point Satan possesses it m and
the baby just toddles up to it and it's like just breaks it. It's
like, yeah, horse like Baine breaking Batman overs knee. Yeah the horse
didn't walk again. You think the horses you all are you merely adopted the
equine. I was born in it. Not funny. Sorry, I never
sorry, I had it. Jake's been on a kick of just yelling not
funny yet people. Yeah, it's a mean thing I do. You haven't
what a fun I mean, we haven't talked about on that's the way to
introduce it though, right, You don't want to do like a Chekhov's not
funny, you know, like just fucking yeah, yeah, just yell it.
That's right, you fire the gun. What We just had a board
for every joke just check off funny, not funny. You trying to get
a second one? Check off? Check off anyway? Sorry. Some of
the fun stuff from Baby Jesus he has uh a diaper that heals people if
they touch it. And Jesus is diaper? Diaper? Jesus is diaper?
Is it a relic? Now? Yes? It's currently on display in two
different places. So one's the real diaper, I guess, So, yeah,
one's the real diaper. You gotta have a dummy diaper. Right,
which is of course in Ethiopia. Yes, yeah, and they won't let
you see it. Now. I'm also in there with the Holy g It's
in a shack that's just for some reason, has twenty armed guards. I
will say this, I always get nervous about when um, like someone who's
like hyper insane Christian gets close to the presidency, Like if Mike Pence was
like pulling and was gonna win or something like that. Like, but here's
the thing, though, I would vote for that guy in a heartbeat.
If he promised in his campaign to send the Navy Seals to get the Ark
of the Covenant from Ethiopia. If there's anywhere in the world that could probably
teleport too, it might be there. Just see what, just to see
what's in it, right. It's just like if Mike Pence is like,
I'm sending Seal Team six to recover the Arc. Oh green Light, You're
getting my vote, Mike, Yeah, I'm in it. Although for a
lot of people, if they lead with that like fucking the Rock Kanye,
I don't care. Get forget release in the UFO files, forget the JFK
files, Send in the fucking troops and get the arc The joke of it
is like if I teleported in, you get in there, it's just a
smaller shed with smaller Ethiopian guys with smaller guns, you go further in.
But I mean, once we get that, that's the best weapon we can
have. Well, that's why the Nazis were after it. Yeah, you
don't know what they were gonna How were they were gonna use it? How
do you weaponize the ghosts that shoot out of it? You don't lose,
right if you just carry it? Yeah, the I mean, I guess,
but the Jews had it well until we didn't. Is that when you
start losing? Yeah, So it was between escaping Egypt and I don't know,
setting up shop in Israel, you had like a couple of hundred years
where you doing. Okay, Yeah, they were like the Terrell Davis of
people. They're just a really good run for three years. But really that
was all Mike Shanahan. That guy was just plugging and playing eighteen hundred yard
Rushers. That old line, baby, Yeah, that was all O line
that was. That was March Layer. That was thrilled David. Yeah.
Um, someone would say God is the Jews o one he uh, he's
not watching your blindside, No, man. He takes a couple plays off
every now and yeah. It's pretty rough. He's a real hothead, real
more like John Elway's terrible with talent. He's just have an eye for it.
Well, he's great on the field, terrible manager, right, Yeah,
the great soult you know, always are. Jordan lay Gretzky is way
better than those two, which is not saying a lot, but I mean
way better. So that. Yeah. Jesus diapers on display in the Dobrevnick
Cathedral, uh and also in another cathedral in Akan, Germany, UM the
cathedral the Shrine of Saint Mary at Akan Cathedral. We don't know which one's
a real diaper, but there's a Jesus a diaper on on display in two
in place in Europe, the two the Koran and the Arabic Gospel, or
definitely the Arabic Gospel also claims that Um, Jesus had uh encounters with Judas
Iscariot and the thieves he was later crucified with earlier. That's some good storytelling.
Yes, bring it back, the circling back he uh, what is
it? It's a callback? Yeah right, yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's too good storytelling, like it's too too good, that didn't happen.
Yeah, you're telling me Judas as a kid, like you're gonna betray me
one day, You're gonna betray me, Like, like, I know you,
dude. Can you imagine like a baby walks up to you, you
you're good? Well at this point, this is more like our our story.
It's like teen Jesus, oh even worse, or maybe like you know,
eight year old gie, you imagine looks you would get if a twelve
year old walked up to you and said you will betray me some twelve year
old you don't know, and no one else around you knows. I don't
know. Kids are fucking weird. If a kid said that to me,
I would be like, okay, yeah, I guess that's true. Okay,
get out of here. Yeah, if your son came up to you
today tonight as you're putting in the bed, it's like you're gonna betray me,
Dad, that'd be insane because those are like his That'd be like his
first sentence, right, he has not done a sentence yet, Okay,
other than high daddy, it's kind of late, right, No, little
a little slow with the development. Not not really. You did have to
put a helmet on his head. Yeah, I guess you had a misshaped
head. Look, kids turn out fine with you know, early development problems.
You had a broken butthole for for years. No, I didn't get
that to all seventeen. I mean you didn't get it. I didn't get
you don't get bitten by a fucking mesquite get activated. When I was seventeen,
I didn't have Crohn's my entire life roll over superpower activation ever dirts on.
I got bit by like a radioactive cows. Just the worst guy.
There's more than what Peter Parker's is. Lucky. You got bit by the
right radioactive spiders. All the other ones just give you cancer. It's bad
cancer. And then Dan got the Cron's cow. Right. Yeah, he's
at a petting zoo. Can't do dairy now, a young Philadelphia boy if
visits a petting zoo on a normal Tuesday at school, But little did he
know you would get diarrhea and do nothing anyway. Jesus. Also, this
was in the Koran, for sure. It's more prominent in the Kuran.
He spoke to Mary as an infant. He basically turned to her as a
still wet newborn and was like, hey, I'm God. You don't think
she knows? I know she does. That's the one person who for sure
already knows. Yeah. At that point I'd be like start a question Jesus,
like, oh, are we sure? Do you think I'm stupid?
Yeah? But like I know, just drink. He told me. The
Angel told me. The angel that is actually just a ball of eyeballs with
two wings, fucking told me that before he fucked me. I know you're
God, yes, but now that you're saying it, I have my questions.
I wouldn't even didn't you know that? I know that. I wouldn't
not addressed the baby. I would look up to like the sky and be
like, how many times did you tell me? I didn't even doubt it?
Like I'm not there are other people being doubting. You sent the most
horrifying creature I've ever seen it. It told me this already. Another gospel
about Jesus's infancy, the Gospel of James, has some details from Mary's childhood
that are actually pretty fun. Her mom anna like she didn't have much of
a childhood married, Yeah, Well, her childhood is yeah, you're right.
This whole start, this whole thing starts during your child. Kind of
cut it short, you're starting to bleed. Huh baby. Yeah. Um,
that's almost exactly how it happened, basically in the Gospel of James.
So, her mom didn't think she'd ever get pregnant. God gives her a
baby, and it's like, hey, your babies, man, you're eleven,
come on counting down the days no one had made. Uh. So
they named their child Marry and then when she's three years old, they sent
her to live in the temple, which she like promised God. She's like,
oh, thank you so much, I'm going to have her. I'm
so grateful for this child that she's not gonna live with me. I'm gonna
have her live in the temple and serve you. Um. So Mary lived
in the temple where each day she was fed meals by an angel, Like
I guess while everyone else was in the cafeteria, she's getting hers in her
mouth and getting fanned. Yeah, I think this is the temple. I'm
eating my angel meals in the bathroom. That's fine, my the angel gave
it to me. That. But that would explain why God thought she was
hot right her skinny twelve. It's just your type problem. I mean,
I do have a god god complex, I suppose, but I don't know
if that's that's a part of it. I don't know, Um Mary um.
Once she got to her twelfth birthday, the priest decides she could no
longer stay there lest her menstrual blood render the temple unclean. That's true.
That that checks out. That checks out. Temples are gonna flow with a
river of your period. But yeah, Judaism has a lot of period laws
and restrictions. There's a lot of not just pork No, it's not.
It's not just pork in uh, you know, dari and beef. It's
you keep the blood away. I'm sorry. Are they not allowed to go
to like temple now still if they're on their period? If it's like super
orthodox, I don't know. Um, if it's like super strict wild,
I mean there's there's a lot. Dude like you just like walk like some
kid in bro Clifts, like, hey Jacob, where's your bob here?
This way on our period watch the kids something like that. I don't know
makes sense. I didn't want to do like a whole, whole full on
Jewish thing. But I want him to I want him to sound weird and
nerdy, fair enough and sickly. Yes, sinus problems, yeah, no,
there's there's no what what do you know any period laws? Um?
I believe, I mean you're not supposed to touch like a chick. Yeah
you're not. I mean generally you're not supposed. I believe you drink cranberry
cho Oh there is a thing. Um. A Vice guy did this once.
I think he was on the show on drinking. He was Kosher for
like a year, like crazy kosher and like he couldn't sit in a chair
that his wife sat in when she was on her period. Yeah. Yeah,
it's like that kind of shit. It's crazy. And you have to
drink like Evan Williams because it's apparently kosher. It's one of the few kosher
whiskey. Yeah. Oh, actually that's so funny. This guy, I
have Evan will like a nice bottle of their nice bottle of Evan Williams.
There's apparently one. Okay, the liquor store guy sold sold me on it
and I was like, okay, it's fine. Um, I'm sure it's
pretty mid it's it's bullet it's pretty much just bullet. It's all made in
the same place. It's like that Simpsons uh well gift, but also like
bit where they're like, yeah, we got duff dry, duff, light
and duff and it's like like one pipe and then it spreads out into three
pipes and dumps into the three fucking things. Like it's all the fucking same
Yeah. It's like Buffalo, Trace Pappy, all that shits in the same
all the fucking same thing. Yeah. Um so the the God is like,
okay, he can't. You can't live in the temple anymore. I
agree with these priests. Your period blood, it's gonna make that place a
mess. Uh So I'll find you someone until he finds an old widower for
Mary to stay with. Perfect and that's Joseph right and Joe as old as
fuck and he doesn't want to fuck marry like he's just like God making you
live with me. I'll look after you, and it seems special whatever.
So he leaves on business one day. I don't know what fucking business he
has with carpenter business. You know, it wasn't not it's not a carpenter.
Oh he wasn't so carpenter is a bad translation. Oh really, it's
just fucking worker. Oh he's just a working he's a skilled labor. No,
not even a skilled laborer. He is like guy at home depot,
like a fucking like immigrant. Yeah, so he's going to ye, yeah,
day labor. He's a day labor, like literally, that's what he
is. By the hour, maybe by the minute. So when you read
there's a part in the Bible when I was doing research for this where you
know, like there's like a line or something in one of the Gospels where
it's like, who is this carpenter to, you know, preach to us
or whatever, and but they're like, that actually doesn't make sense because a
carpenter is a skilled and relatively respected laborer back then. Yeah, so what
they were really saying, it's just like, who is this fucking like rough
hands moron to say this ship to? Like I know him. He was
just picking up rocks for money. He's old and he still works. Jesus,
but still either way, what you're saying is that would translate the same
way right right there, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, you're Jesus of Nazareth,
right the guy that offered to to clean up the sticks in my backyard
for a dollar, and now you're telling me Joseph would be the same thing,
though, yes, yes, yes, yeah, but the line in
the Bible is about about Jesus. They're just like, no, no,
you, he's just playing with his era's Lincoln logs. Yeah you fucking I
saw you collecting cans to recycle for money, and now you're telling me that
I'm not gonna get into heaven. No what you? Yeah? No,
he would not be well received today. No. And it's funny too,
like you to think too, Like I almost don't blame them. They're like,
all right, hold on, hold on just a minute, just a
second. You're the guy. You're You're the guy who just picks up garbage.
You're you. I was driving my fucking car down the street the other
day and you've started washing the windshield without asking me, and now you're telling
me that only poor people get into heaven. That seems convenient. That checks
out. Yeah, that's weird. Those people always told me I'm not going
to heaven either when I spray hit my wipers right like, no, I
got Tad's baby, I'm going to hail. Definitely not well juice on helfo,
you have a weirder thing, you can do a whole episode. Leasy.
I don't even don't spoil it because I don't actually don't know. It's
weird. I love that. So you ever see a David Lynch movie?
Oh, rad, Yeah, it's it's that. I'm into that. So
Joseph Leeve's on business. Mary's called to the temple to help weave the temple
curtain or something where one day an angel appears and he's like, hey,
sure that's not a bad translation. What is what do you think that the
real translation is probably something their period period stuff, you know it is,
Yeah, the weaving tampons with her hair? Yeah? What is it?
A soupon? Yeah, it really could be. So an angel shows up
and he's like, hey, you've been chosen by God to conceive the savior
of mankind. And Joseph returns from his business trip and finds Mary six months
pregnant. Damn that baby grew quick, and he's pissed. He's like,
fucking shit, dude, he's gone for three weeks. Everyone's gonna think I
did that. And I said I wasn't gonna fuck you because you're twelve and
I'm fucking like sixty years old. All of it was just a punk.
Joseph God was just like, I'm want to make this guy look like a
pedo. Yeah, even for the time. Yeah. So he made her
literally take the test of bitter waters to prove he didn't fuck her and that
she was telling the truth about an angel getting her God getting her pregnant.
Is the test of bitter waters? Yeah, what is this? Very common
test. It is like you basically have to like drink this like weird potion.
It's real, it's a Jewish thing. Just drink like this weird like
potion of water and other like dust. And if the pea's not green,
he's not green. She took the peen, she did not take the peen.
She did not take the peine. Sweet, how would that determine if
it was Joseph's or not. It's like he has jove that she stole a
virgin. Do you need to drink water for that? I feel like and
anyway, Yeah, so they was like they're like, okay, all right,
that's fine. Um. And then when she gave birth, Jesus teleported
from her womb to her breast didn't come out. Yeah, literally, he
didn't come out of her. No, he just teleported from the womb.
Yeah, you're gonna thank me later, I would God, you'll thank me
later thanking him him. Now, imagine giving birth to God would probably kill
you, actually having to give birth. Yeah, that's true. It's like
taking Superman's load. Yeah yeah, yeah. God can't be beholden to anyone,
like thanks for berthing me. God can't have that, so he just
teleports out. That's that's fair. Yeah. Anyway, all that's fun,
but it's not nearly as fun as the Holy prepuss itself. First, in
the Arabic Infancy Gospel, Uh, it describes the circumcision um though it should
be noted that this circumcision did in fact also make the cut pun intended in
the actual Bible. In Luke two twenty one, Jesus was circumcised in a
cave safe. Yeah, a really sterile cave. Yeah. An old Hebrew
woman took the foreskin and preserved it in an alabaster box of well, you
know dude that Yeah, you guys, I have both of my kids for
a skin bronzed at home. Yeah, gots to you're gonna throw it away?
It could be worth something someday. Yeah, you don't know. Yeah,
Rory could become like David Koresh or something. You forget even that.
How much there's someone that would pay for Mickey Mantle's foreskin, Oh thousand percent.
There's baseball card guys. Definitely. You just wear a fucking a little
chain with Mickey mantles. Yeah, the biggest, the best. Yeah,
puts it back on her shirt. This one's from Maryland. Yeah, that's
the wrong guy. I thought DiMaggio Mantel has the insane story about pork and
people under the Yankees. You tell me Nicky Mandel didn't fuck Marilyn Monroe.
No, he didn't know double ms. Al right, well, I'm pretty
sure it was just Joe DiMaggio. M hmm. Mickey Mantele fucked everybody.
He did fuck everyone. Have you seen the story. It's like, tell
us one happy memory of Yankee Stadium or whatever. He's like, I bang
some broad under the fucking bleachers. Yeah that's what he wrote. I'm like
the fucking official, like, tell us your favorite story. I don't know
what they put in the actual public a probably just left him out. Guy's
a fucking lunatic. I love Mickey. We need to do an episode one
day, I'm just Mickey Mantle as many. Oh yeah, his just sexual
conquest. Yeah, and we could do kind of like a him verse maybe
you know, they go, well, yeah, that would be a good
like comparison. Yeah, like who did it better? I think who's the
greatest of all time? Like his baseball career, his sexual career from Mickey
Mantle was really handcuffed by his drinking, you know what I mean, Like
he could have accomplished so much more, Like there's probably every night there's like
five other chicks waiting to fuck him, but he passes out drunk. It's
like I can only do two or a way tomorrow, ladies. Um,
So they put it in a box of oil whatever. She had a son
who was a druggist, and she was like, take heed, thou sell
not this alabaster box of ointment, although thou shouldst be off for one hundred
pence for it. So she was like, don't sell, don't sell it,
but if someone does try to buy it, no less than three hundred.
Yeah, set the price at least right. Yeah. So I don't
know how legitimate this is, but I just found the baseball It is signed
by Mickey Mantle. And it just says I fucked Monroe with the signature.
Now, it should be noted that him and Joe DiMaggio not big fans of
each other. Yeah, it was a spite fuck. I'd imagine while or
he would just say that to fuck with Joey d'O. That's fair because he
was also a big shit talker. Yeah, but I mean either, Look,
everything's on the table. I would love that baseball. How much is
it about six thousand dollars right now? That's that's kind of reasonable. You
can swing it. I want that on set. I don't know how legitimate
it is though that you can write it off. Yeah, we needed it.
That's a hundred percent attacks right, I'm gonna try to write off my
Xbox I just bought. See that. I'll play Assassin's Creed when it comes
out. It's history, Yeah, you didn't research new ones in. Uh.
Those games are how I start, not how I started learning history,
like dad. The History Channel stillay that but comes out in October though,
sweet, what year Baghdad? He's like eight hundred Yeah, like ninth century
Baghdad. Okay, it wasn't damn. I was hoping it would be.
When the Mongols took it down, but it wasn't that's the way didn't come
out yet, so we'll see that would be sweet if it went to the
future. Historians are like, the sack of Baghdad by the Mongols was so
bad, Like it was like it ruined it. It was like the first
time a city was ever nuked. Yecially, Yeah, no, it's set
back the entire like region because that was like the like best center of science.
The whole joke is like how far advanced we'd be if Baghdad never fell.
Baghdad and the Library of Alexandria, like if those two lost so much
information didn't get fucked up. Yeah, until the internet goes out, we'd
all be casting on each other. So now uh. But eventually Mary the
center procure procured the box, but Jesus foreskin in it. She poured the
ointment upon the head and feet of Jesus and then wiped it on, wiped
it off with the hair of her head. Weird, everyone's fucking weird.
Yea, and that is the last one. It's Mary Maggs, right,
I think so. Yeah, Mary Maggs did a lot with her hair.
There's a lot of things with her hair, foot stuff with her hair.
Yeah, Jesus is into footplay and she's into hairplay. Match made in heaven,
literally, m match made by heaven by God. Back then, to
women's hair had to just be a fucking nightmare, just a nest. Yeah,
fucking especially poor women. It's just a fucking it's it's a rat king.
It's the tangled weave a man. Oh, I gotta cat dimit running
through mange. I can't do Slackerman like you. I'm sorry, that's all
right, now do Palestinian? You want me to die a Palestinian woman?
Yeah? Uh. That was the last we'd hear of Jesus's four skin for
eight hundred years until Christmas Day in eight hundred a d good old fashioned reboot,
we have our next recorded mention of the foreskin. It turns out it
was gifted to Pope Leo the Third by none other than Charlemagne. So this
is made up then while he was being crowned Emperor of the Holy Roman Empire.
No, this is true, stay woke. Charlemagne didn't exist. Yeah,
oh, so it conveniently showed up and Charlemagne had it. Okay,
you mean the years the Catholic Church made up. Yeah, just telling you
it's what the history book said. Can you imagine like opening a present,
it's like, oh, what'd you get me? What'd you get me?
And it's like, you got me foreskin? I think the Pope was.
I think that's a gift. The Pope liked, that's a gift only the
pope with like, how do you describe that when you give it to someone?
It's a it's the holy prepoce pupist, the holy. When they cut
the foreskin, right, they're in that Nativity scene, I'd imagine it's like,
no, it's eight days later. They're out of that, they're in
a different cave. I thought they would have just like kind of settled there
for a couple of weeks. Maybe you would think, but no, I
mean they keep out of the hospital now in like two days. We need
to tell when the baby teleports out of you. You don't need to do
a lot. Yeah. My only question who's scooping up the extra foreskin out
of the cave the moil. I guess they immediately kept they knew this baby
was special. It's like a scab skin. It just gets dry and crusty.
How many foreskins have you seen. I only have seen the one from
was it Meet the Parents? Oh when they saved it? Yeah, or
Meet the Fockers or whatever? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think it
was the sequel. Yeah, it was the sequel. Yeah, that's the
only foreskin I've ever seen, not at but also no way last eight hundred
years. What do they do to like petrify? No, they put in
oil. They preserved it in oil. Yeah, so they didn't petrify it.
They pickled it. Yeah, basically, Yeah, it's pickled. They
it's a pickled Foreski pickled it. Yeah, she try it. Well,
we'll get to that. Put it on. I just got a flat top,
you know, just fire up the grill. Well, we'll get to
how the foreskins desperate times cough, desperate bena. Why not catch it in
your mouth? Yeah, I don't think it has a good weight to toss.
Mmm, I don't know. So it's getting absolutely no Watch if the
napkin in the wind, if the ace event turns on at the wrong at
the exact wrong time, like that thing's just going down to the floor immediately.
Yeah, it's it's like trying to throw a whiffleball really hard. Yeah,
just doesn't go anywhere. Just hurt your elbow. Now, are you
gonna let your children decide whether or not they have foreskin? It's too late,
Yeah, foreskin's gone. I'm asking did you give them the option?
Uh? Yeah, yeah them they're old enough to consent to whatever, right,
So I was like, hey, no, No answer was yes,
we want to get our our dicks cut. Yeah, pretty much. Dinner.
Are you circumstanced? Yeah? Okay, honestly, you know what's funny
is I obviously wanted to get them circumstances, but my wife was a bigger
advocate for it because it's so funny, because if it like her logic,
she didn't say this specifically, but her logic was basically like, uncut dicks
are weird. Normal women won't want to fuck them. If they have an
uncut dick, they gotta move to Europe. They gotta move to Europe.
She's kind of a square, isn't she. She's a little vanilla girl.
Yeah. There's plenty of girls that fuck Georgia. Yeah, but what what
kind? The best kind? We matched with the same girl? So yeah,
okay, all those tattoos on Dan, that's really just for skin.
Yeah, envy? If anything, I would put my skin back on.
Get you get amer just like a little I'm sure they make Israeliman did that
all the time when the Greeks conquered Israel, When Alexander the Great conquered Israel,
they built a fucking gymnasium in Jerusalem, and all the all the so
before that, it was like a sort of Jewish symbol of manhood to be
cut. And then once the Greeks took over, they wanted to, like
it became cooler to be Greek, changed like literally cooler, Like it became
cooler to be Greek. So anyone that wanted to go wrestle at the gymnasium
like you did all that shit naked, Hey, get this being Jewish not
the forefront of being the cool guy. Turns out that's when it turned.
But again we lost that covenant. It's been down. It was like that's
we're done. Shit. Yeah, it's a nice run. Yes, But
they would they would re they would essentially have like cosmetic surgery on their dicks
to have make it look like there was foreskin. Again, there's a guy,
a big anti circumcision advocate. I'm sure you've seen some of this stuff
where it's like the people they're like, keep there's skin. They were at
the Massoo game at my bachelor party member, that's right, Yeah, they
were. Um, there's a guy who invented a thing that clips to your
existing skin still and like retracts it up and pulls it and stretches it so
you can like regrow your foreskin. It is gross. Pass sleeps like a
jaws are size for your penis. Yes, it has a clip on your
headboard and it has a tension cable and you sleep on your back and in
your sleep it pulls the skin above your dickhead. And like they were interviewing
this guy. His wife is sitting in a corner not facing where the camera.
She's like she's slot. By the way, I just want to know
how that guy's doing. The guy that created jawser size, I think he's
living comfortably now. I'm sure how many dudes, like in college, do
you think bought that the thing that you like? Yeah, you kind of
like you like you put it between your collar bone and your chin, You
open your mouth and you just to get like a really ironclad jaws. Yeah,
because that's how it fucking works. It's called lose weight. Idiot,
like, that's how it works. You can still get it today on Amazon.
Yeah. I never did that, but I would strap like weight.
You get the helmet, yeah, and you lift your head. I remember
that from football. I remember thinking, what the fuck am I working?
I just like tweak my neck. I can get punch really hard. Now
that's sick. You can get a four pack for eighty dollars. On four
pack for sizers, there's different size. It's like a it's like a tension
level. You gotta work up to the black jaws are sizers. You're gonna
start on the pace one. They start with the green and then you work
up the double black dom. I'm on the blue. I can't get it.
I can't quite get over the hump with my jaw. Or are they
like belt it's like a purple belt blue belt. Yeah, it's fucking got
a jaw movements and never get TMJ. It's good, which is great for
one thing, eating box shiit real quick before when you get back to how
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dream Ros. All right, leto go back to the show. Charlomagne claimed
that the foreskin was brought to him by an angel while he was playing praying
at the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem. So some eyeballs dropped down from the sky
and spat foreskin at him. Yeah, basically, yeah, I love that
book. Apparently, though it was actually gifted to him by the Byzantine Empress
Irene, and then he regifted it to the Pope. Oh he was a
regifter. Yeah, you know, regifted the foreskin. You're gonna make some
cool. He's German, right, so he's like, what the fuck am
I going to do if this false? Give it just a pulpy you like
it, that's very pulpy, But imagine passing on Jesus. This is foreskin.
It doesn't matter any party Jesus. Yeah, like truly, like if
someone handed you, like Jesus bloody toenail and you were just like, nah,
you can't do that. You can't nah that, I can't, Well
you can. I mean no, I'm good. Actually i'd keep that.
You have to prove it though. You would come up to me with a
foreskin or a bloody toneail here. Oh well, can I tell you how
it was proved? Yeah? Cool? I want to take this. I
want I want to find it first off and then take it to like Rick
from Pond Stars. The best I can do is three hundred. That was
the bare minimum. I want. I want to see the guy. He
pools though his expert. So on the foreskin. Check it out. The
foreskin and it's location, it's whereabouts a recent mystery, it's been stolen.
We'll get to that, okay, how they prove it? So it's authenticity
was later considered to be confirmed because of a vision by Saint Bridget of Sweden.
She confirmed in her vision that it was somewhere in Rome, and she
essentially said that she had a vision wherein she received the Holy Prepis as a
wedding ring and it symbolized her marriage for Christ. So I'm sorry, Catherine
of Siena to that. Saint Bridget made it known that she had received in
her vision bits of prepis from an angel, which she put on her tongue.
Okay and Christ. Yeah, And as soon as she tasted the baby
Jesus's foreskin, she had a full body orgasm. Neats. Cool religion,
guys, real cool stuff you got going on over there? Sounds better than
Molly, I mean, kind of just sounds like Molly. Yes, well
he's popping off as and as you my tongue, I can give you her
exact this is what exactly what she said. You tell me what this sounds
like Molly. This is exact words. Well, my dick wouldn't work if
I was on Molly. So that's the that's the sick game Molly plays with
you. Yeah, it does work, but you can never come sick.
Just fuck for twelve hours. Why not? Sounds like sounds better than like
a gay orgy where you're just doing math, because that has the same effect.
Got a gay orgy on Molly where you're just fucking forever some million dudes
and just never come, never getting off. The ultimate edge train never stops.
Okay, so describe like fucking that's the real crazy train right there.
No, it's crazy. What is the movie the futuristic movie? Oh,
snow Piercer. Yeah, ask Piercer. The train never stops, just keeps
going or everyone dies. Yeah, snow Piercer could also just be a movie
where a bunch of guys do blow and their dicks still can't work. Yeah.
So she wrote so great, what about the again? About the foreskin
that she tasted and gave her a full full body orgasm. Um. So
great was the sweetness at the swallowing of this membrane that she felt a sweet
transformation in all her members and the muscles of her members. Now here's the
thing, right, Rob, we can take your children's foreskin, have a
Catholic priest do the Eucharis blessing over it, and it will technically be it
should trans substantiate. Yes, it will become Jesus. Yeah. Yeah.
What if you just go up to communion and you're like, they like body
of Christ and you're like, no, no, no, I'll take the
foreskin and they're like what and you just punch a hole out of the middle
and they're like, now, bless it. I want to I want to
byoe, this is the body of Christ, like I know, but I
need it to be a specific party. I'm trying to get off my bad
habits. I'm trying to kick Molly. I hear this does the truth?
Does I hear? This is wild? Yeah? We can do this every
Sunday Brunch is gonna be great. So it turns out that tasting the Holy
foreskin was common. People tasted the Oh and by the way, there are
about eighteen different foreskins being claimed in the Middle Ages. Better hope you get
the right one. I know. Right, The people tasted the alleged holy
foreskins to verify that they were real people would do all sorts of things to
be able to attest if the relics they were seeing were real whatever the relic
was, including touching them, kissing them, and so on. The most
accepted test of the veracity of foreskin was tasting. A properly trained physician chosen
by the local priests would taste the shriveled leather in order to determine whether it
was holy or partly human skin. Um okay, hear me, hear me
on. Everyone who does that test verifies that it's real. No one's ever
been like, Nah, it's not it right, I just had a random
foreskin in my mouth. Man, that Joe no reason. The joke really
writes itself like a Catholic priest knows exactly what a boy's foreskin tastes like.
Jesus Christ. Yeah, no, that's it. That's what they said,
Jesus Christ. Uh. These tasters were called croak propos prep who says,
which translates to foreskin biters. It's not just like a name of a sandwich
and mad the croc croak is biter, I think. Oh okay, so
croak madam is like a lady biter. I guess huh, a lady's bite
actually, probably because it's a smaller sandwich. Yeah, it's probably like a
bite for a lady. Essentially the crop who say, is a yeah,
the bite of a foreskin? Um, what are you kicking it in?
Like butter wells truffle oil? It comes in oil, so I think you
would almost want to roll it in some seasoning or something like that. Mean,
no, what do you come fee? Oh? Yeah, you just
kind of like slow cook it in that oil. Yeah, yeah, put
it on a cracker or something. You can do it like a on like
a blintz or something like that, like or like a little tiny like potato
like you know what they do with caviar or it's like the little potato pillow.
Yeah, you can do that. That makes sense. It's almost I
mean it's just the one foreskin, so it's almost u um, what do
you call it, like parsley and stuff like that? A garnish. It's
a garnish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you get like some really nice
like Pacific fish. You know. You like if you want to like directly
in your blushroom, do you snort it or well you dry it? Then
you would have to dry it first. I don't think it's dry. Yeah,
it's it's I think it's still pretty in pretty good condition. I guess
you could like get some the run off oil and like you know, tie
a belt off and inject it. Yeah, light up a spoon. Yeah,
that would be a really bad thing to do with oil to then inchect
into yourself. Yeah, it's God ejecting flames and it's hot oil. So
Rome was sacked in fifteen twenty seven. So Leo kept Leo kept put the
put the foreskin in Rome in the Vatican and everything, and kept it there.
Rome was sacked in fifteen twenty seven by the Holy Roman Empire during the
War of the League of Kogiak. There there's a Protestant versus Catholic war.
A German soldier stole Jesus' foreskin, oh Dick. The soldier, however,
was captured in the town of Calcatta, only forty seven kilometers north of Rome.
The foreskin was confiscated from him and kept in a church there. It
became a massive pilgrimage destination for nuns, priests and so on. However,
in nineteen eighty three this foreskin disappeared, and up until nineteen eighty three,
they were having yearly parades starring the Foreskin, and at the end of the
parade, the Foreskin would float up, turnside ways like a little mouth and
just talk to him. Yeah, thank you everyone coming. That's what I
think about, like the worst Star Wars character. Yeah, just the disembodied
mouth, just a circle flesh thing. That's like the delegation from Touch week.
And he's supposed to be the big bat at the end that they have
to rewrite it because just a little many people hate him. It's a little
floating lightsaber next to the floating foreskin. Uh so, like I said,
still better than jar Jar Banks. It is, like I said, one
of this is one of eighteen foreskins floating around one of the most famous prepoises
other than the one we talked about. Uh, Peters, what we got
pets? No, No, same, it's Jesus. It's another claimant at
to be Jesus is forced. I thought they're gonna be other foreskins that kind
of Pete. But obviously when Peter was circumcised, no one thought to keep
it right, Like, yeah he wasn't. Do you think you think he
was? Like you know what, this is bullshit? This is bullshit.
You cut his off, everyone's clamoring for it, gets put in a bottle
of oil or whatever. I get my dick cut. You just throw it
in the cave? Did throw it? A fucking garbage like? Yeah,
I am the rock of which this church was built. And I saw I
saw a mouse eat my foeskin thirty seconds after you cut it off. You
just threw it in the right You threw it in the giant pile of all
the other four skins in that cave. That that cave is disgusting, smelling.
By the way, there's a gross cave. That's the worst cave on
the most unsanitary cave you can find. Uh So, one of the other
foreskins was sent to Antwerp in eleven hundred. It was a gift from King
Baldwin, the First of Jerusalem, famously played by um what's his name ed
Edward Norton in um Kingdom of Heaven. Yeah, thank you. I'm pretty
sure, by the way, with this one, like I think he would.
This guy was just walking through Jerusalem and some street venders sold him a
piece of calamari. There's a piece of squid, and it was like Jesus
fur. Little Jesus Christ is the hill he was crucified on. It's from
here, fur skin. I have it. I don't think he got it
from a reputable place. No, it's probably just a flaky snake skin.
Yeah, that guy's just finding like old snakeskin, cutting it like a hundred
times, like you're Christian. You're Christian. First, it's christ the christosky
and then it's like a fucking gift shop. It's guy game on it.
It's like, oh, you want the one with your name. N't say
a cobra, but he is. He's a powerful man. He's cobra for
pan this. You're not from here, don't no, don't no clip it
just be doing voices. Feskin, the far skin the Jesus christa's a far
skin here. You are you Christian? I have a far skin of the
Jesus Christ. Fifty thou that's what it feels more. Someone called me racist
because they caught him a landlord. I know of all these comments, and
that was really landlord. That's we'd be in some wild comments like not like
why not really wild, but like from people don't witchy comments like that.
There was one dude who was like yelled at us for the elephant or yelled
at my elephant meme where I was just like baby elephant having the worst day
of its life because it was chained to a water The baby elephant loves water
or something, you cause pussy's He's like, imagine putting your fucking modern views
on something from a hundred years ago. And I'm like, years ago.
And also it's forgot even that, Like, I agree they didn't understand animals
necessarily the same way we understand them now, but we also rep for topsy
here. But also it's worth noting that whether or not we understood animals a
certain way, it's clear that that elephant was having a horrible type like that
doesn't change. No, the elephant wasn't like the elephants views weren't different,
right, The elephant's views are the same then as they would be now we
have the different views. Yea, the elephant is clearly having a terrible time.
I don't know, he looked like he's having fun. Oh no,
man, he jumped a shark. Afterward it was he popped out a pack
of unfiltered key strikes, And it's like, all, I like, you
just post a picture of a slave and you're just like, man, this
guy's having a bad day. You're like, imagine judging people from the path
by your standards, Like, no, I think it was a bad day
for him, Like I think it was. I think every day it was
a bad day for him. And then of course you get a bad day.
That's what you're calling that. It's like, yeah, the other part
of it, right, No, everyone knows, right, yeah, which
it's like, I guess you could call that an understatement, but it's correct,
just categorically bad, right, it's not ass that we're making ways.
So yeah, so um, the Holy foreskin that was presented by monks Charlie,
Lesulely Charlemagne is just I'm sorry. Charlogne also presented the Holy foreskin to
some months. So he was just giving away foreskins left and right. That
tells me it's not actually, yeah, the foreskin of Jesus. If he's
willing to give it away, he's just he's like, get me a foreskin.
I gotta give something away to these guys. It's cheap gifts. He
went to Costco. Yeah, he just like give me a pigs for off
the box? Right, did he went to Costco? It's like, I'll
get the bulk foreskin. This will be my gift. This is it.
So that relic went missing and it was lost until eighteen fifty six when someone
they were doing construction in the abbey that when busted a hole in the wall
and found a force on some foreskins to shining light last in their eyes.
That was again a contractor that didn't want to work that day. It's like,
oh my god, buddy. Is like they do construction in Joel Ostein's
church and they find like five hundred grand in the walls, which they that
happened. And then you know you're doing construction in an abbey and jarny in
the eighteen hundreds and you just find Christ's foreskin. It'd be funny if they
found that in Joel Stains church, Christ's foreskin. Yeah, I believe I'd
go to that church the next day. Um. But here's maybe the best
theory okay about jesus four skin. There was I think a monk or something
some sort of like Thomas Aquinas esque person sort of theorist and philosopher on Christianity.
He said that sense Jesus's foreskin was part of Jesus like part of his
flesh, and Jesus ascended to heaven in the flash. I know where this
is going. Do you the foreskin wherever it was also rose up somewhere else.
It just levitated, said all times, floated up to heaven. Well,
it stopped somewhere. Do you mean it stopped? Did a bird pick
it up or on its way up? Nope? It's better than that,
you guys. I'll never look through a telescope the same way again. Let
me just tell you that jesus foreskin, they thought, ascended up into the
heavens and became Saturn's rings, the old magic foreskins. Yeah, the next
time you see well, space does stretch everything out, expands it. Right,
the next time you see Saturn, know that it's surrounded by Jesus's foreskin.
That would explain the rings. So there's so much of Jesus's foreskin because
it keeps breaking off Saturn and falling back to Earth. Yea god is endless,
Yes, so limited foreskin. Really it checks out. I also learned
that we have a new watch along we're going to have to do because on
December twenty, twenty thirteen, National Geographic Broadcast a documentary UM called The Quest
for the Holy Foreskin. It was a first of Monty Python movie that needs
to be the sequel to The Holy Grail, Right, the Holy Foreskin?
Um yeah, so magic foreskin theory is already my favorite theory. Oh yeah.
And there was even there was part of the There was even a debate
about whether Jesus was even circumcised or not. Some people think Christ's body must
have been whole because that's how God designed it, and that a Jew's penis
was a sin against creation. I have been called at a time or two
your penis. Yeah, like you just pulled down your pants ready to go,
and she's like, that is a sin against creation. Yeah, and
I'm out of here. You're like, yeah, too big, too great.
No, never happened to me. I'm lying. I'm lying for fun,
that's true. I set up a little nanny cam in your room and
I never heard anyone say that, So kind of do explore. The Saturn
theory kind of checks out though, because one of its moons, right titan
Is, they said, could probably it's most likely of any place in this
galaxy to host life as well because it has water. Yeah, so like
maybe you know just trying to check out his people on Titan. Is it
Titan? Or is Titan that wonder? Is it Europa? Is that Jupiter?
I'm thinking of Jupiter and Saturn both have life bearing moons potentially, Yeah,
don't ruin my narrative. I know, I'm rative. I'm going wherever
Jesus is and if it's Saturn's rings. There is a huge conspiracy theory around
Saturn in general, the hexagonal black storm on the pole of it. There's
a hexagon storm, Okay, a pole of Saturn that a bunch of theorists
believe is a a reality generator that transposes the holographic universe onto us and traps
us in a reincarnation cycle. It's pretty wild, man, all right.
I mean, I guess as long as we keep getting to be alive.
Yeah, Like Saturn was the god in the sky. Like Saturn was really
close to us, Like we could see Saturn and like the storm from our
naked eye, it was, it hovered above us. It was our first
son. Given what you have, now, what do you think you were
like in the past life? Oh scrapping? Are you? Uh? Yeah?
Sering for some of your crimes? Me right now? Yeah, I
think doing pretty okay. I don't think this couldn't be a karma situation.
Mike I says, I've I've been like this every time, like just like
doing fine wildly mediocre, should be doing better, but not. The effort
just never comes. Yeah. Yeah, and it keeps trying to teach me
the same life lesson. I keep ignoring it. Well, it's it's that
is the regenerator's fault for not giving you any memory. The last one,
man, he just never learns when I wipe his memory clean. Why did
they do that? What's wrong with him? It's a dumb way to go
about teaching lessons, alright, just like the kid doesn't get algebra, so
you just give him like a traumatic brain injury and like come back tomorrow.
He doesn't get it today either. Oh he did his hair wrong, let's
shave it all off, right, Yeah you just ruf um yeah like that.
I'll get it tomorrow, baby. Um. The whole foreskin thing's really
interesting though, because people think that essentially it was worshiped because it showed Jesus's
humanity that he could be cut. Oh, like he could take a wound.
Yeah, they cross didn't do that. The cross alone wasn't enough.
There's been some interesting mentions of it in pop culture as well. Actually,
Voltaire wrote a little bit about it that checks out. You know, there's
a lot of people back then too that would do the stigmata or whatever come
they faked the stigmata. Yeah, I wonder if anyone faked you know,
Jesus's foreskin with their own foreskin just popped off. They just cut themselves or
like an angel came down and circled they stigmata their penis. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, I think that happened frequently. I was sleeping at night and
I felt a tug, a tug by an angel in a ball of eyes
cut my penis up. Bayes is doing a lot of weird work. It
just floated up to what who Charlottagne and spit a foreskin at him? Yeah,
that ballab eyeballs has a lot to answer for. If it's just like
back up and haven't spoken a cigarette like that? Worn? What do I
do today? Well, I exist outside of time, So what I did
today is everything I've ever done, which is a bit of foreskin at a
king fuck a twelve year old that just never ends. No, if I
if all the heaven stuff is true, the angels stuff and all that,
and I get up there at first thing, I'm gonna be like, you
could create anything, right, that's the one you went with. Whos the
first draft? Well they made the angels before they made humans. Yeah,
so first drafts it is. They are first drafts, like, like,
well it would be maybe it would be useful if they could see everything all
at once. Yeah, and then eventually they're just like, oh, I'll
make an owl. They can just turn a hand. Yeah, makes a
lot more sense. It might be better. Ye, Sorry, h Angel,
I won't kill you, of course, but I mean you're you're you
want to give charliean this dick skin? Yeah, Like, hey, all
right, so I'm sorry for making you the way you are. However,
as an apology, would you like to get laid? That would be a
fun cartoon to write. Like the eyeball thing is just like a little dog
kind of thing up in habits. Oh good boy. I was weirdly watching
videos this morning of owl's like having a hard time taking off in cold weather.
Like there their wings just kind of like freeze a little bit, so
they can't fully take off and they just kind of plunge down into the dude,
I love videos like that. I'm glad you mentioned that. I watched
like a couple of videos, like you know, when deer shed their their
bucks, shed their antlers. Every year, it happens every year. Yeah,
it scares the shit out of them, like it happens to them every
year, and it shocks them whenever it happens. Like they're just like walking
around and it'll just go clunk, like what the fuck? Like you imagine
if like, for all, they're already skittis, Yeah, their skittish animal,
yeah for like, but imagine like the equivalent of that would be like
for an entire year you grow your fingernails or like you just grow like a
weird your teeth just fall out. Like that would freak me out too,
even though I knew what was happening every year. Yeah, anyway, animals
are fun. I agree with that. Voltaire wrote the Holy foreskin as being
one of a number of superstitions that were much more reasonable than to detest and
persecute your brother. So essentially, I think Voltaire wrote, like, guys,
it's more reasonable to believe that Jesus's foreskin has children in that church than
to guillotine your buddy because he's not radical enough. Yeah, that checks out.
So that's by this point the Holy Foreskin had become so ridiculous that they
were talking to shit on it. Yeah. Weirdly, In Chuck Polani's book
Choke, which got made into a Sam Rockwell movie in twenty eight the character
the main characters told he was cloned from Jesus's foreskin. I don't remember.
That might not have made the cut in the movie. I don't think that
made the cut of the movie. You've been spend a long time, right,
Like, if we did have it, we're definitely clone in Jesus.
Now, Dan, here's something that is relevant to me and you, And
it's kind of goes back to Voltaire's thing a little bit too. The church,
the Catholic Church, noticed that people kind of started making crass jokes a
lot about the Holy foreskin because and you know, making fun of it because
it's piece of a penis and all that stuff, right, very serious stuff.
Yeah, So in nineteen hundred, Pope Leo the thirteenth ten Leo's later,
Oh shait, can I guess what? Making fun of the Holy foreskin
has now been kind of wrapped into one of the commandments. Blasphemy about blasphemy,
yeah, some mortal sin more than that even Oh no, straight,
Now, the church can immediately excommunicate you if they find out you're making fun
of the Holy foreskin lore. So we're getting excommunicated. We could be excommunicated
tomorrow for doing this podcast. I am I am emailing the pope. That's
not a joke. Yeah, but it's cool. He might let Oh we'll
find out. Boys. Would Benedict's taken this to a camp? Yeah,
yeah, he's worked him before. You want to go to Ben's camps.
Yea, he knows that he knows how to make a good, good,
conficient one. Yeah, um, but that is all I've got for the
Holy prepus for Jesus's foreskin. Would you guys learn today so much? So
much? One. I didn't realize the eyeball dog angel thing fucked Mary.
I didn't realize that was what God her pregnant, well, Gabriel, And
it depends on the it depends on the I learned that Joseph had absolutely no
skill zeros. He was just a dude, just a guy. He's a
guy. He was a guy that if you paid him he'd cut your hair,
might show up yeah all time. Maybe, Yeah, he does work
when he's ready. Um, I learned to you that Charlomagne bad gifter,
bad gifter of foreskin. Yeah, and just say Irene gave it to you.
Yeah that wasn't That was before by the way, that the the schism.
So she was Catholic too, m So it's not like, you know,
weird she's a heretic or something. Would you learn Dan Joseph had no
oh, no skill value, no skills, no marketable skills for Joe.
Yeah. Yeah, and who's today's hitler? Mm hmm. That's a tough
one. Can I go with Jesus? Why when Jesus do? Um?
Well, first off had to say that he's the son of God. A
little he's insisting upon himself a little bit like he turns, Hey I'm God,
just so you fucking no, this baby's real full of himself. Yeah,
I left out of here. That was really funny too with his birth,
the teleportation birth, so like one there were two midwives there and one
was like, oh, it's amazing, and the other one was just being
a good midwife and was like, oh, okay, okay, So the
baby teleported. This is clearly God. I still just want to check her
vagina to make sure everything's good, like just being doing her due diligence.
Yea doubted God died on the spot, close doubted God. Her hand shriveled
into a dead hand. God's kind of an asshole. The god she used
their hands she used to check Mary's vagina Old testament God right there. Yeah,
well that was the transition I know. Yeah, so he didn't kill
her, but still how to get some some blood? That's yeah. They
just started the whole turn the other cheek thing then to you know, work
their way into it. Yeah. Can I tell you who's today who today's
real hitlers are? Yeah, it's me and Dan. Oh yeah, you're
both excommunicated for making fun of the Holy brief Us Pope. I'm okay what
that is. Yeah, we're today's hitlers. I did my time, but
that's all I've got. Thank you, Thank you again so much for listening,
um, subscribing and everything again. Leave her review stars five stars.
Write a review, writing the review it was a big thing. And then
look, if you like these episodes, we got so we got a fun
Patreon episode coming up this week. Two actually because we got two every week,
well, we have two every week, but I mean the fun like
Wednesday episode. I suppose extra I just like game shows, so I'm extra
excited. Yeah, but yeah, Patreon's dope. Check it out. Um,
thank you so much for subscribing already and everything like that for those who
are there. And obviously we do the voicemail episodes most weeks when we have
enough. Yep. Um. That number again was what five one two,
five one four three? I just realized it's five, five one three.
You follow the Pope on Twitter? I do. I'm gonna DM this motherfucker.
Yeah, all right, do it? Do it, bitch, I
will. I'm like one of your followers, Dude, that my parents would
look at me the way they looked at me when I got suspended from high
school from my Catholic high school senior year, like just like, how can
you be so like not stupid, like doing hard drugs like hair win and
stuff like that, but just so like I would put that on my resume,
reckless communicated by the Pope for making fun of foreskin. I wouldn't say
that. I would just say excommunicated because I'm a bad boy. I'd probably
brag about that too, be honest. Yeah, I kind of have to
you kind of drop that in every conversation you have, Right, that's the
eighth sacrament. We're collecting them all like infinity stones. It's the final stone,
is the foreskin I've done. Wait, I'm trying to think all of
the sacraments I've done. Now, there's only there's one I can't do.
Well. I guess unless my wife dies, which is being becoming a priest.
You still have time, I know. Yeah, Actually, can you
be a priest you've had sex, yes, it's just after you just can't
be married. So if I get with, if I get become a widower
tomorrow, I could become a priest. Okay, but I've had every sacrament
that is normal. I think for my age, Acceptism, Eucharist, first
confession, m marriage, confirmation, confirmation, marriage I can't have, can't
have the priesthood. That would be six. And then seventh is last rites.
You don't want the last rites, not right now. And then eighth
is x experience get him like ahead of time, the last rites. That's
kind of cover it. Yeah, can we do this now? We just
can just get this all the way. Come on, but anyway, that's
all I got. Thank you guys so much for Jake Goldman and Damage Jester.
I am Rob Fox, and you just got self served.