This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. This is the Doctor Wendy
Waalsh Show, and this is the time of my show, and I am
taking your calls. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor.
But I've written three books on relationships and did a dissertation on attachment theory,
and I've had a lot of years of experience and wisdom to weigh in
on your love life. If you'd like to give me a call, the
numbers one eight hundred and five, two zero, one, five, three
four. I should mention we are now live on Instagram, so if you'd
like to come on over and see the studio you can. The handle is
at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram. Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we
have? We have Carol with the question Carol, Hello, Carol, It's
doctor Wendy. Hi there, Hi, what's your question? Love? I'm
an older woman. Uh, and my husband died about six and a half
months ago. I'm sorry, Carol, it's okay. I'm I've dealt with
it and it's like it was a weird relationship anyways. But I'm like,
I'm like ready to move on. But I find myself, I guess attracted
to more. Well, there aren't really many men in my age group that
are like awesome and I'm awesome. What is awesome for you? Awesome is
uh being able to communicate talk to So let me tell you, Carol,
across the lifespan, there's slim pickens for the amount of emotional demands that women
are now placing men. And I will tell you this that our male companions
aren't supposed to replace our girlfriends, that's for sure, but they should,
as you mentioned, communicate well. They should have to at least have some
insight into their own feelings and be able to express them. So my advice
to you, Carol, and you're not gonna like this one, but it
is an endurance test because you haven't dated in a lot of time. Ask
how long you were married? Almost thirty one years? Wow? This coming
week? Okay, so the last time you were dated, you dated it
was more than three decades ago. Let me tell you it's a whole new
world. But I will tell you this, there's so much more partner choice,
and also peers stay attracted to peers across the lifespan, except for the
small group you hear about because the media likes to make a big deal about
them, which are men who like to go younger or women who become cougars.
The truth is most people like a partner with the same references, so
you're gonna have lots of selection out there. My advice is to assess fairly
quickly, and if you see like they're not a good communicator, as you
said, then you know, just very politely let them know that romance is
in the cards and move along because you're gonna find lots of guys on those
apps. Did you pick an app yet, Carol? Oh? Not yet?
Okay, which one are you thinking? I'm not sure? Okay,
I would go with Bumble. I like Bumble. It's more women led.
The women get to have to talk first. But you'll see you're gonna and
good luck to you. You're ready. It's a good way to go.
But I'm all for that. Yep. Well, thanks for calling, Carol.
Good luck with your dating life. You're going to find a great mate.
I can tell all right. Producer, Kayla, who do we have
next do? You have Alyssa with the question Alyssa, Hi, Alyssa,
it's doctor Wendy. Alyssa. Are you there there she is? Hih Oh
did she write the question on the screen. No, I don't see the
question. Tell me your question, love. All she said is your name
is Alyssa. Hi, Alyssa, it's doctor Wendy. What can I do
for you? So I'm kind of faris because I've never had this feeling before.
But I'm basically in love with a guy that's married, or at least
he's in a committed relationship. But I think I'm better than her. And
I listened to a podcast where they people had affairs and they were I guess
really happy with that person. Like if I guess, that's what I'm saying
is if it got its on level or was interested in me, I probably
wouldn't say no. So what's your question? Sounds like your major decision.
Do you want me to weigh in on whether this is a good idea or
a bad idea? I know it's not a great idea, but I don't
know. Sorry. So for those who couldn't hear Alyssa's question, she uh
has a crush on a man who's in a committed relationship. And she said
if she found out he was interested in her, she would go for it,
and that she'd heard on podcasts that affairs aren't always problems. So what
you're talking about, Alissa, is sort of our evolutionary psychology where people did
have extra pair bonds, as evolutionary psychologists would call it. And but that
butt's head with our cultural expectations because when I once made a TikTok video and
I told people that, you know, when I was young and I had
this affair with a married man and all the lies he told to me about
how he was going to leave his wife, and he was this and that,
and he dragged me through so much. Everyone got mad at me and
said, well, it's your faul because you had an affair with a married
man. So our culture has trouble accepting it. The other thing is you
have to start to think about the other woman. I know you said you
think you're you're hotter than her and you could win him, So you're thinking
only of competing with her for him as a prize, instead of having empathy
for what she might experience. If some mate poacher, that's what you'd be
called by evolutionary psychologists if some mate poacher came in and had sex with her
man. Right, So this is I would never weigh in morally on what
decision you're going to make, but I will say this, it's going to
get messy. It's going to get messy. And despite what you think you
heard on a podcast affairs, I always believe that the unconscious knows all and
his girlfriend or wife is going to no on some level. So it will
get messy. Okay, if you'd like to call in the numbers one eight
hundred five two zero, one five three four. Also, I'm going to
go to social media now because there are some dms that I've been meaning to
answer, So if you want to send me a DM, producer, Kayla
can also go and look at those. So first one, hey, doctor
Wendy, my boyfriend end of three years has been unemployed for two and a
half of those three years. He just couldn't seem to get it together.
I left him about three weeks ago. I paid for our date like always
and just felt bad and embarrassed for myself. Why now I feel bad for
leaving him? Is it normal to feel bad after making the best decision?
Or did I mess up? Okay, So if you look at the number
two top reasons why people eject mates, this is cross cultural research around the
world, all genders. Two reasons. First one, poor hygiene. We
don't like stinky people. That's number one. Number two chronic unemployment. Because
what is a relationship but an exchange of care. And that care can take
many forms. Of course, it can be instrumental care if someone sick.
It can be emotional care, can be intellectual stimulation. Care can be domestic
care, taking care of kids. It can also be financial care. And
if he's not pulling his weight financially, that's a big burden for you.
So you're doing a cost benefit analysis and you made the decision he's got to
go, and so you left him. You did the right thing. I
think you did the right thing. Okay, when we come back, I'm
going to continue to take your calls and go to social media. The number
is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight
hundred five two zero one five three four. You are listening to the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show on KFI Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio
app. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
This is the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show, and I am taking your calls
and answering your social media questions. My handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh.
That's at d R Wendy Walsh. Go to Instagram, TikTok, YouTube,
Facebook, send me message and producer k Low will screen them. All right,
let's go to social media. Dear doctor Wendy, I have been no
contact with my ex girlfriend for eight months. Her birthday is coming up.
Should I text her Happy birthday? I don't want her to be my girlfriend
again, and I don't really want her back in my life, but I
just want her to enjoy her birthday. Is it okay to be nice and
just text her? I am so glad you asked this question. No,
don't text her. You're starting something again. Don't do it because you know
what she's gonna say. She's gonna call me and go what does he mean?
I haven't heard from him for eight months and now he just texted me
on my birthday? What does that mean? Doctor Wendy. Do you know
how often I get those questions? I get those questions all the time.
So I'm telling you no contact means no contact, don't start it up.
I mean if years have gone by now, even if years go by,
you reach out, it means you're interested again. No, no, no,
move along, move along all right? Uh? Dear doctor Wendy,
I've been dating this guy for three months. Congratulations. His actions say that
he's really into me. He listens to me, and he adjusts his ways
for my comfort. We've gone on vacation already and spent so much time together,
but he just won't say if he likes me. I ask him and
he says he doesn't like to say how he feels because his feelings may change.
Ooh, that's interesting. Uh, doctor Wendy. Should I just listen
to his actions or is it a red flag that he won't articulate how he
feels. The biggest red flag is not that he won't articulate how he feels.
It's not about his actions. It's about him saying I don't want to
say because they might change. That sounds like a guy who's manipulative, who's
trying to control you, who wants you to be just hanging on because if
you're not a good girl, things might change. Ooo. I do not
like that. I don't like it. On the other hand, are you
pressuring him? You're only three months into it? In you begging him?
How do you feel? How do you feel? How do you feel?
If he's Here's the thing, it is not our job to get somebody to
behave in any particular way. It is our job to sit back and watch
and decide if this suits us, and then stay or go. It's not
abous. Well, I can't get him to say his feelings. You know
what if time goes by another few weeks or a month and he says nothing,
and this bothers you and out you go. You've learned, You've watched,
you have made your decision. Uh all right, dear doctor Wendy.
There's a guy I know is terrible for me and doesn't care about me.
Huh oh. Sounds like the guys I used to date. Is this me
writing this from twenty years ago? I don't know. I uh oh.
I can't stop calling him, though, and checking in on him, not
every day but maybe once every other week. I hate that I care about
him, even as a friend. How can I get myself to stop reaching
out to him? And checking on his well being. Okay, this is
called unrequited love, it's called not being reciprocated, and it sadly doesn't have
to do with him. He's sort of your chosen object for right now.
And I would suggest reaching out to a licensed therapist because if you are constantly
hurting yourself by reaching out to somebody who's not reciprocating and wanting to stop because
you don't like the feeling wanting to stop and being unable to stop, it
tells me this has to do with some deeper issue that you have and you
really do need to reach out to a licensed therapist. And this might be
a good time for me to tell everybody that start with your health insurance see
if they have therapists that they will pay for that are listed on their site.
If not, call any university that has a PhD program that is training
doctors and therapists, because they will have a counseling center where you can often
get free therapy or at least what they call on a sliding scale, meaning
the price will be based on your ability to pay. There is therapy available
to everybody in every price range. Dear doctor Wendy, if a man texted
me just to make sure that I'm okay, and I respond with I've been
better, but thanks for checking in, and he says of course, but
doesn't ask me what's wrong. Is this a red flag? Uh? Yeah,
it is if he texts you and said, well, here's the thing.
He's texting you to make sure you're okay. Why is he making sure
you're okay? Why does something happen? Did he leave you on a dark
corner, dark street in the middle of the night, and now he's checking
in to make sure you got home safely? Why is he checking to you
if you're okay? But anyway said are you okay? And you respond I've
been better, but thank you. You're being cryptic. Why don't you just
tell him the truth and say, actually, I'm feeling a little down because
my dog passed away. Then let him show his empathy or whatever it is.
Right, But now you're being cryptic because you're trying to drop a little
bread crumb to see if he'll go, oh, really, what's wrong?
But you know you also learned he didn't pick up your bread crumb, and
maybe that means he doesn't have empathy. Maybe that means he doesn't care Yeah,
it's a red fleg. It's a red fleg. Uh. Dear doctor
Wendy, I've engaged engaged my fiance for seven months. We're planning to get
married this fall. Congratulations. She was actively planning the wedding and then one
day called it off. She seems so excited, and now she won't even
talk to me. I am crushed. How can I find out what happened?
Well, I can't believe you got so far to be engaged in planning
a wedding and you don't even know why she just suddenly bolted or cold feet.
It tells me that you were saved. You were saved from a very
terrible relationship where somebody is not going to be able to discuss their feelings with
you. So you should do the touchdown, cheer, count your blessings.
I would ask her if she wants to go to some closure therapy sessions so
you could find out a little more. But you found out what you needed
to know. He's not a healthy person who can talk about their feelings.
All right. When we come back, I have a very special guest.
She is a licensed clinical social worker who went through her own healing process before
becoming a therapist and we'll hear about it. Right after this, you are
listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty We're live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI
AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Now, you you know
I often say this, and you guys argue with me when I say this
that sometimes people take psychology courses because they're trying to heal themselves. And I
will not lie to you that probably it was unconscious. But getting a masked
and PhD in midlife for me was partly me trying to figure out myself and
the world around me right. And in fact, when I finally went out
into dating life again after my single mother years, I found myself saying things
like, hmm, what would doctor Wendy say I should do right now?
Like literally I was programming my brain. It was like I was an alter
ego using the science to help me make the right choices, and of course
sharing it with the world as I go around because I have a big mouth.
So my next guest has a similar journey as well. Was called to
the calling of therapy through some of her own injury and her recovery process.
I would like to welcome Amy Margalis. Did I say it right? Amy,
Amy Margoli, Margoless, margol It doesn't matter, Amy Margolis, license
clinical social worker. You're a therapist here in town, co clinical direct of
Santa Monica Counseling, and you work with individuals, couples groups, and one
of your specialties is eating disorders, and you are willing to share that you
yourself recovered from an eating disorder. Can you tell me about it? Yes,
I am a recovering or recovered anorexic. From a very young age.
I decided at age three that I was too big, I was fat,
and I was I remember I was on Cape Cod with my dad, walking
on the beach and my little thighs were rubbing together and I could feel the
sand and I was like, I am never going to feel this way when
I'm a grown up. And where do you think you got that messaging at
the age of three? So I think what happened for me is I had
a sister who was just sixteen months older than me, and she was one
of those tall, skinny people, and I was a normal average Joe,
and I just I made the decision. And I grew up in New England
and you know, we didn't talk about anything in that in our family,
and I think my dad had a little bit of a dependency on alcohol,
and you know, I think I just I just made a decision and I
told them I'm going to eat exactly what my big sister eats so I can
get skinny, and everybody laughed. Right at that time, they sort of
thought it was cute. Probably, yeah, it was cute. It was
cute, and it didn't become a real issue until and this is in my
book. I was very confused about sex because my dad was like a hippie
and my mom was like, you know, a nun. And I remember
in high school, I was like, we got to lose our virginity so
we know what we're doing. And I went out and lost my virginity with
I was I think I was sixteen and he was twenty one. He didn't
care about me. And after that, I was like, now I'm going
to do something good for myself and lose the weight. And I probably was
one hundred and twenty pounds and I'm five to five. There was no weight
to lose, right, And I lost thirty pounds within a few months,
and it just took over. It just took over my life. It's like
you become possessed. Yeah. They say that when someone who is experiencing anorexia
feels hungry, they almost get a high from that, feeling like it's a
reward for you. Stop you stop feeling hungry, You stop like it's you
just you have no needs. You just you look at food and you're like,
yeah, whatever, it's like it's it's kind of like this superhuman thing.
It's and then you feel like untouchable and nothing can hurt you. You
have this whole secret life you have. It's just it's so hard. And
when did you have somebody dysmorphia? When you looked in the mirror, did
you see someone who was larger than Yes, I thought at one hundred and
twenty that was just unacceptable, Like and I think I wanted to be maybe
one twelve. Well, but then I just kept going like I couldn't stop.
I couldn't stop. It was it was it was insane, It was
insane. What saved you? So what saved me is I, well,
I started my senior year of high school, and of course all the girls
thought I looked great, which was so disgusting. None of the boys would
talk to me anymore because I was disgusting. And then I met a boyfriend,
and so I wanted to be normal, and I tried to eat normal
sometimes and do my like control things on the other days. And so then
I started eating my face off. So I went to college really restricting and
eating my face off. So it became the binge, the binge purge thing.
Yeah, and you know, I used to call it binge starve,
and somebody recently said no, it was refeeding starving kind of thing. And
then in college I got kicked out of the dorms because I had too many
parties and I was by myself, and I was I hit bottom because I
didn't have roommates that were going to tell me to eat. I didn't.
I was by myself. I was probably on my exercise bike twelve miles a
day, eating three apples a day. It was crazy. And I went
to therapy. I went to college counseling, and that changed everything. At
nineteen, I just I got so so much help, and then I was
like, why am I becoming a teacher if I could do this for a
living kind of thing. So literally therapy alone, without having to deal with
medical and hospital and everything else, you were able to change your behavior and
also your feelings just through therapy. It took a long time, doctor Wendy,
and I wouldn't recommend mine. I wouldn't recommend my treatment plan. I
really I did try to go for treatment, but my insurance wouldn't cover it
because I was at an okay wait, and so it was really really hard.
And I would say that it took a long time, and when things
started to get better is when I started to do a group because something about
being in a group and sharing on that level with other people walking some journey
that catapulted my recovery. We should say now that you are a licensed clinical
social worker, you practice therapy every day, you have a healthy marriage,
you have three kids, so it's like all turns out well in the end.
But you were able to turn this pain. They've referred to therapists in
the past as wounded healers turned this pain into helping others hundred percent underd percent.
Yeah, so there's something else you said to me when we were emailing
earlier that you feel that there are many, many, many women in our
culture who may not be diagnosable as anorexic, and may not be underweight,
but have a kind of body perfectionism that they must achieve to feel worthy,
and they're still pathologizing their appetites and their exercise routines, et cetera. And
you say a lot of this has to do with patriarchy. When we come
back, let us talk about your new book called Here's the Memo, a
Life Guide for Women, and let's find out how Amy's experience really can be
applied to far more women than you think. We'll be back after this.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeart. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from
KFI AM six forty. My guest Amy Margolis, Margolie Margolis. You'll take
anything, won't you? Guess what? They know how to spell it now,
because I've said it so many different ways. It's M A R G
O L I S. Marges. That's perfect. Licensed clinical social worker,
Co director of Santa Monica Counseling, Amy, thank you for being so honest
and vulnerable to share your story of recovery from an eating disorder. Now you've
written a book that is advice. You call it, here's the memo,
and it's about a lifetime of yourself collecting little memos like no to self,
make sure you do this, And now it's compiled into a book for women.
But let's get to the point. You actually think that too many of
us are struggling with perfectionism. Talk about this well, I mean, I
don't want to state the obvious, but since we're little girls were growing up
in a culture where women are objectified and our currency is our looks, you
know, and so and then I think that pits us against each other.
And yeah, I think. I think the women I know in my life
and my practice, like I don't I know very few women that are completely
free with their body image and food. And I think, just like an
anerixtic mindset is a mindset of perfectionism. And I can't be happy until I'm
perfect, or until this happens, or until I get that guy or that
will make me worthy all of the things. And I just you know,
I have I've just seen so many clients where it's like they have beautiful lives
and they're very successful women, but they have a horrible weekend because they didn't
lose their five pounds and they don't look good in the bikini or what like.
Like that's what they think about all weekend instead of enjoying the sex and
enjoying the restaurant and enjoying being healthy. And you know, it's just it's
heartbreaking to me that we're constantly lobbing ourselves and keeping ourselves small. Because I
almost cursed. I have to watch myself. I'm pretty passionate. Red button.
She'll hear if you curse, Yes, I won't curse. It won't
curse. Yeah, I see it all the time. And it's like these
women walk around in normal bodies. Nobody would say, oh, they're overweight
or they're emaciated. It's just this mindset that's constantly well, I can't have
that because I ate that last night, or I don't want to show up
at that party because I'll have to, you know, wear a bathing sit
and just it's constant. And you say, the goal is that the relationship
is a prize if they can somehow be so perfect and control everything around what
they look like, then they can win this guy, this relationship. How
can you change women's thinking to understanding that it's a guy is not a prize.
It's you know, something you shape. But he's a human being first
of all, and two people shape a life together. But it's not like
winning a lottery. Well I think that's cultural too. I mean I was
raised like, get married and have kids and you'll be complete. I truly
was raised that way, and so it was really hard for me when I
wanted to move and I wanted to study acting and moved to New York City.
I wanted to do all these things, and I'm like, you better
get a husband, Amy, you better get busy and find the husband,
because that was in my DNA. And I think, you know, I
think I have so many clients that are like, they feel like if they're
not married by a certain time or don't have a child, they lose currency.
Right. So I think we're raised to think that if we get the
guy, okay, now it looks good. Like I'm okay, and do
you know what I mean. Yeah, it's amazing these messages that you talk
about that we get early in life, circula. My mother was the opposite.
She had a career and married at the age of thirty one, which
was considered an old maid back then. So she had a bunch of unused
ambition that she stuffed into my little head. So she never said, when
you grow up and get married and we have a beautiful one. She only
talked about, you could get a job in pr you should go to university,
you should do that. She just pushed me to work. Work,
Wow, work, work, And so I think some of my relationship issues
had to do with the fact that she taught me to be independent to a
fault. Wow, because we know that's so cool though, because I didn't
have that at all. Yeah, that relationships we know are about being interdependent,
which means you have to be vulnerable and you have to be needy.
So let's talk about the memos in the book. The book is called Here's
the Memo, A Life Guide for Women. Give me your top three memos
in the book, Amy, Well, I listen. It's kind of like
one Stop Shopping. You know, it's got breakups, betrayals, it's got
the grief process, long term relationships. But for me personally, I like
the first part of the book because it's about your relationship with yourself, and
really it's about putting yourself first in your life, really cleaning up this anorexic
deplivation thinking that you might not even know you have. That's the crazy thing,
Like it's so automatic, it's used with people's identity. So there's a
lot of work around externalizing that negative thinking and feeling freer and more empowered.
Right here and now, what do you when you lose? I know the
book has some exercises and prescriptions in it for people. What do you think
is the single best thing that women can do to have a better relationship with
themselves. I think having a dialogue with the negative voices that are in their
head. Give those voices the names, have a dialogue, and the part
of you that can observe those voices, the party that wants to break free
and just live fully. That's that's the real you. I think externalizing the
negative voices and talking back to them and putting them in the backseat. Yeah,
and just saying, hey, you have no right to say that to
me. Yeah, you know, I'm going to share a story. I've
shared this before on air. So I did a silly, little but it
worked behavioral trick when I had such a issues because so of course I loved
avoidant people, and so I had such attachment anxiety because my dad was in
the Navy and he was gone all the time in an in a consistent way,
right, And so when I was dating later in life and healing and
guys were ghosting me or not calling back or having sex with me and disappearing
and all that, I took little post it and posted them on every mirror
in my house and by the kitchen sink, and all they said were Daddy
loves me. And whenever I was feeling lonely, I would see the post
it and it would catch it in my eye and I'd often say it out
loud. Yeah, reparented. I reparented myself because I was projecting on these
guys an earlier loss that had nothing to do with them, and you wanted
them to fix it, right, you know, And it's it's not They
couldn't possibly fix it, and they were chosen object yes, near human beings
with their own stuff, right exactly. Yeah. I always didn't tell women
or who's out there looking for a partner. It's just the relationship has to
be a yes, and it just has to be a yes. And in
your life it's not you know what I mean, or it's or it becomes
codependent, right right, Amy, thank you so much for being with us.
Can you tell us where people can get the book? Here's the memo,
A Life Guide for Women? Where can people find it? Here's the
memo is pre order on Amazon, It's on Audible and it's also on Barnes
and Noble and book Baby, and it's everywhere. And read it with your
adorable voice? Did you do that? Read? I'm a voice over person
to so I did the entire book. If you if you don't like my
voice, do not get it on Audible. I love your voice. It
is like Pixar voice. You should you should work for Disney Amy Margolis,
Margolis or Margolis however you want to say it. License Glenn social worker.
You can also find her as the co clinical director of Santa Monica Counseling and
the author of Here's the Memo, A Life Guide for Women. Thanks for
being with us, Amy, And that brings the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show to
a close. As you know, I'm here every Sunday from seven to nine
pm. You can also follow me on my social media. The handle is
at Doctor Wendy Walsh, but I'm always here for you on KFI. We'll
see you next week. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh, you can
always hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to nine pm on
Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app