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Reginald's Christmas revel by Saki. They
say, said Reginald, that there's nothing

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sadder than victory except defeat. If
you've ever stayed with dull people during what

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is alleged to be the festive season, you can probably revise that saying,

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I shall never forget putting in a
Christmas at the Babwalds. Missus Babwald is

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some relation of my father's, a
sort of to be left still called for

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cousin, and that was considered sufficient
reason for my having to accept her invitation

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at about the sixth time of asking
though, why the sins of the father

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should be visited by the children.
You won't find any note paper in that

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drawer. That's where I keep old
menus and first night programs. Missus Babwald

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wears a rather solemn personality and has
never been known to smile, even when

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saying disagreeable things to her friends or
making out the stor's list. She takes

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her pleasures sadly. A state elephant
at d'urbar gives one a very similar impression.

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Her husband gardens in all weathers.
When a man goes out in the

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pouring rain to brush caterpillars off rose
trees. I generally imagine his life indoors

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leaves something to be desired. Anyway, it must be very unsettling for the

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caterpillars. Of course, there were
some other people there. There was a

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major, somebody who had shot things
in Lapland or somewhere of that sort.

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I forget what they were, but
it wasn't for want of reminding. We

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had them cold with every meal,
almost and he was continually giving us details

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of what they measured, from tip
to tip, as though he thought we

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were going to make them warm under
things for the winter. I used to

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listen to him with a rapt attention
that I thought rather suited me. And

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then one day I quite modestly gave
the dimensions of an o'copy I had shot

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in the Lincolnshire Fens. The Major
turned a beautiful Tyrian scarlet. I remember

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thinking at the time that I should
like my bathroom hung in that color.

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And I think that at that moment
he almost found it in his heart to

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dislike me. Missus Babwold put on
a first aid to the injured expression and

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asked him why he didn't publish a
book of his sporting reminiscences. It would

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be so interesting. She didn't remember
till afterwards that he had given her two

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fat volumes on the subject, with
his portrait and autograph as a frontis piece,

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and an appendix on the habits of
the Arctic muscle. It was in

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the evening that we cast aside the
cares and distractions of the day and really

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lived. Cards were thought to be
too frivolous and empty a way of passing

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the time, so most of them
played what they called a book game.

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You went out into the hall to
get an inspiration, I suppose, then

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you came in again with a muffler
tied round your neck and looked silly,

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and the others were supposed to guess
that you were wee mac greegor. I

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held out against the inanity as long
as I decently could, But at last,

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in a lapse of good nature,
I consented to masquerade as a book

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only I warned them that it would
take some time to carry out. They

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waited for the best part of forty
minutes while I went and played wineglass skittles

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with the page boy in the pantry. You play it with the champagne cork,

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you know, and the one who
knocks down the most glasses without breaking

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them winds. I won with four
unbroken out of seven. I think William

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suffered from over anxiousness. They were
rather mad in the drawing room at my

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not having come back, and they
weren't a bit pacified when I told them

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afterwards that I was at the end
of the passage. I never did like

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Kipling. Was missus Babwald's comment when
the situation dawned upon her. I couldn't

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see anything clever in earthworms out of
Tuscany? Or is that by Darwin?

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Of course these games are very educational, but personally I prefer Bridge. On

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Christmas evening we were supposed to be
specially festive in the old English fashion.

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The hall was horribly drafty, but
it seemed to be the proper place to

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revel in, and it was decorated
with Japanese fans and Chinese lanterns, which

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gave it a very old English effect. A young lady with a confidential voice

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favored us with a long recitation about
a little girl who died or did something

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equally hackneyed, and then the major
gave us a graphic account of a struggle

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he had with a wounded bear.
I privately wished that the bears would win

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sometimes on these occasions, at least
they wouldn't go vaporing about it. Afterwards,

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before we had time to recover our
spirits, we were indulged with some

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thought reading by a young man whom
one knew instinctively had a good mother and

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an indifferent tailor, the sort of
young man who talks unflaggingly through the thing

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kest soup and smooths his hair dubiously
as though he thought it might hit back.

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The thought reading was rather a success. He announced that the hostess was

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thinking about poetry, and she admitted
that her mind was dwelling on one of

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Austin's odes, which was near enough. I fancy she had been really wondering

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whether a scrag end of mutton and
some cold plum pudding would do for the

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kitchen dinner next day. As a
crowning dissipation, they all sat down to

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play progressive Halma with milk chocolate for
prizes. I've been carefully brought up,

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and I don't like to play games
of skill for milk chocolate, so I

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invented a headache and retired from the
scene. I had been preceded a few

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minutes earlier by Miss Langshon Smith,
a rather formidable lady who always got up

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at some uncomfortable hour in the morning
and gave you the impression that she had

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been in communication with most of the
European governments. Before breakfast, there was

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a paper pinned on her door with
a signed request that she might be called

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particularly early on the morrow. Such
an opportunity does not come twice in a

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lifetime. I covered up everything except
the signature with another notice to the effect

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that before these words should meet the
eye, she would have ended a misspent

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life, or sorry for the trouble
she was giving, and would like a

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military funeral. A few minutes later, I violently exploded an air filled paper

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bag on the landing and gave a
stage moan that could have been heard in

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the cellars. Then I pursued my
original intention and went to bed. The

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noise those people made in forcing open
the good lady's door was positively indecorous.

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She resisted gallantly, but I believe
they searched her for bullets for about a

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quarter of an hour, as if
she had been an historic battle field.

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I hate traveling on Boxing Day,
but one must occasionally do things that one

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dislikes end of Reginald's Christmas revel by
Saki