Today's episode of Softcore History is brought to you by Texas Hill Country Provisions and
their new Chill Country Rosin Gummies. Go to Chill Country dot com slash softcore
to get twenty percent off their rosin gummies, and go to THHC Provisions dot
com slash Softcore for the same deal on their hats and apparel. Welcome to
Softcore History. What is up? Welcome back to Softcore History. I am
your host for the week, Rob Fox. As always a little house cleaning
at the top. Please leave a review on Apple. Leave five stars on
Spotify that super helps us move up the charts. The charts are bullshit.
They're not really about listens, They're about reviews. Even more importantly, give
us your five dollars. Is that speaking Patreon dot com slash softcore History.
I'm joined as always by Danni Jester and Jake Goldman's who's who's speaking right now?
But yeah, Patreon you get two additional episodes every week and a giant
at this point back catalog. It's ever green content that is nowhere elsewhere.
You get it anywhere else, it's the only place. It's a lot of
history shows like this, plus game shows and other stuff like that. Anyway,
it is all evergreen contents. And if you've been listening to us for
a while and you're not a part of patroon, what's your deal? I
know what's your problem? Goo Goo's five dollars. You listen to us every
week, the vibe session is over all, right, Yeah, and if
you're new, just give us your five dollars. Trust five dollars a month.
We're small trust us, dude, small time. Just get us time.
Don't you want to say you supported us at the ground floor. By
the time we're big enough to desert you and treat you like garbage, we
will just like not even interact with you at our live shows. Do you
see that guy that's spit in my mouth? I give him five dollars forty
months ago. We appreciate it to make us big enough to have meetups so
we can just blow you off. Yeah, we don't show up to the
meetups. We organize it. Yeah, and then you guys mingle amongst each
other. That's all we want. That's all we want want a big time
yeah yeah. Uh, just feel important today though for our long time listeners,
especially um, I don't know, we've got a very on brand episode.
I suppose on brand for us or on brand for you both, that's
very part of it. Did a city about Wieners, did a fucking you
know POMPEII and all the dirty graffiti on brand for us Because we're wildly unprepared.
Rob did all the research. That's the format. We just show the
format of the show in fact. Um. Yeah, so we're talking about
ancient Roman bon we're talking about ancient Roman sexuality. Oh, how they viewed
sexuality and sex acts and all that. Should I got a note tap about
that? What I'm just kidding? Oh wait, what do you mean a
note tap? You're just writing it now. I was going to do this
episode suck. Yeah, we do always wonder when will that day happen?
When will that we come when we show up? At least if it does
happen, it's it's better that the May show guy has it, because then
we'll have at least another day to do the Patreon So we all just got
a show back up. There might be one that exists, Go find it
one he just did. Yeah, No, when are you talking about I'm
pretty sure we didn't do it. I don't think we did. Do I
think it's only been like a small discussion about the Barten it came up.
Yeah, yeah, okay, I did. I already put that out of
my mind. See, the whole point of that was to get them to
go into the back catalog and try to listen. Still do that, yeah
you can still do it. You never know. Um. So yeah,
specifically, we're going to talk about some fun facts about the ways romans view
just like sexuality in general. And look, you literal, literal, whole
books could and have been written on this. So suffice it to say this
is not an exhaustive this softcore history again check it out. Dude that left
the review to go to the catacombs, you don't know what romans fuck it
is, Like, I've been to the catacombs. Yeah, here's the deal,
man, it's gonna be lightly researched. Yeah. Um, if you're
still listening things, oh to Catacomb guy, Yeah, well he's he was
a YouTube So yeah, if you're still watching. If Catacomb Bro is still
watching, I want to know what algorithm we pop into from. I hope
he just gets like served a bunch of shitty history podcasts and he's like,
no, motherfucker did just get a one star review that said we suck and
I'm not funny, oh sick, which I honestly I respect that. Ones
and fives no in betweens, ones and fives. Can't believe you guys are
asking for ones. We're not asking for ones, but just have the balls
to do it right. If you don't like us, you don't like us.
It's a bold, bold call, guys. I don't know what to
tell you. I don't want no goldilock review. Yeah, this one's just
right three stars. Wouldn't it be five stars if it was just right?
Now? It's too hot? Okay? Uh so? Yeah? Softcore history
and an inexhaustive review of Roman sexuality. Um so today obviously like today,
in human history, especially in the West, your sexuality is basically defined by,
you know, the starting point of whatever your sex is, and then
you know, whatever sex you like to fuck. Some people's entire personalities,
a lot of people's entire personalities, I would say, um yeah, as
as if it was filling a void, huh huh yeah, avoid of where
other personality traits should be. Yeah, filling other things too. Well,
that void is hopefully getting filled since there's there's a hole in the soul that
no soul dildo or penis or whatever can or fist can can fill up.
Soul fists sounds like a nineties band that's toured with like Pantera soul fisting is.
It's pretty good soul fist. I had to fun I had a really
good one the other day, but of a metal band, but I can't
remember it now. So that Scrupedia ever so is Mexico. Someone just spray
painted stinky parts. It's like, that's that's a good metal band name.
Actually. Yeah, my favorite part in New Mexico is all the groups of
wild dogs. Yeah that was wild At least these are alive on like Oklahoma.
Yeah, it's a step up. I know. When we went to
Roswell, it was just like straight out of a nineties Disney cartoon, just
a homeward bound yeah, but they have nowhere to go, but they have
no homes. It's like nine different homeward bounds just walks together in eternal hell.
The residents of Roswell just murking these dogs left and right, cars and
funs and it's like that. I didn't watch the whole show, but I
did see the first episode of the Leftovers where that guy's just killing stray dogs
from all the disappeared people. Yeah, because they're like taking down deer and
shit or whatever. But yeah, everything starts out is like you know,
basically your sex and whatever you like. And then obviously from there we eventually
get down to pig bottom. If you really want to just get into all
this stuff, yeah, but I want all their sexual terms. We'll get
some Roman terms good. Well. But I was wondering, by the way,
just as a quick thought exercise, is there an antithesis to pig bottom?
Um Like ethereal top is what I came up with, just like a
blissful always on like some always like extremely beautiful like Brad Meat Joe Black,
like in the soul too, Like they're they're just pristine as a human.
They're just like a ray of light. And they're like always clean, like
impossibly clean. It's Brad Pitt. Yeah, and they just and they fuck
you like they're the top. It's Brad Pitt, So pig bottom and ethereal
top I guess, like, yeah, trying to think what a good name
for that is. It's not ethereal top okay loo Humper, I don't know.
Golden Rod well, yeah, I don't know, all right, maybe
the real top is it? So the primary vision of sexuality in ancient Rome
was not quote unquote gay or quote unquote straight or whatever, or any sort
of buy or anything beneath that or of offshoot of that or whatever. Um.
The primary dichotomy was tops and bottoms. Okay, you either fucked or
you got fucked. Didn't matter if you're man or woman. Well, or
didn't matter if you were a man. If you we'll get into the woman
part. But if you were a badass Roman dude, if you were a
good Roman male citizen, you topped. You only topped, You topped hard,
and you topped pretty much whenever the fuck you wanted to. Women can
top, not an ancient ladies can top two. Go home brushes, shoulders
off girls is tops two. No peggan girls is tops two. We'll get
to that. We'll get into what they thought about that. But that's down
the list, like like like you right there a footnote because this is history.
Oh yeah, it's history is of course. Yeah, we don't know
why. About four percent of our audience is female. Yeah, I mean,
we did a whole episode on ancient lesbians back in the day, a
couple of like a year year and alfgo no male gaze in that list.
We've done at least half a dozen episodes on women. Yeah, one being
Helen Keller, So it's pretty proportioned. We called her a fraud. We
did call her a uying fraudulent crisis actors Bobby Don next to me, and
also responsible for some deaths on nine eleven. Yeah, at least one.
Um, and that's that's irrefutable. That's that's a fact. Uh So if
you were bad at if you were a good Roman citizen, a good upstanding
male romsis and you fucked, he didn't get fucked. Uh, and you
could top men or women, were boys or girls. Um, yeah,
let's not a kind of skip over that part. Well, you want to
go in depth on it, we'll talk about it. We'll talk about pedophiles,
let's talk about it. Well, they didn't really, I mean there
was so there was a limitation, Like if you were caught fucking a toddler,
bad things were going to happen to you, even if you owned that
toddler. I imagine we're talking about like once a hip puberty though it's fair
game. Maybe, Yeah, Like in that point yeah, yeah, yeah,
but like if you're if you're fucking like a six year old or something
like that, you're gonna have problems from society. Person has had to at
least developed a little right, right, right, so that at least is
I guess as long as they make their first word out, they're a fair
game in ancient Rome. So one, do you know when baby's tucked?
Because I don't. I have no clue. Yeah, I think it's like
three. Yeah what yeah, Rob, your kids still can't really talk?
Yes? He literally can? He not really, he has full words and
strings words together. He hasn't you have thought that fucking kids didn't eat solid
food until they were three. That's true, but there's no way, there's
no way he can put together a sentence. He pretty much can pretty much
pretty much does not mean yes, I don't. I can't get it this.
I think he is like you like this is like me telling you how
to lift. It's like a slow developed child. Well, listen, you
literally have no fucking idea what you're talking about. Dude. I've always said
we need to get you jacked, put you on all the h H.
I don't know if you if you know this or not. But I too
was once a baby, so I think I know a finger two. Yeah,
I've been a baby. Yeah, everyone's been a weight. I've been
a baby. Hey man, they had just listen to twenty pounders of orange
theory fitness. Twenty pounds barbells, probably dumbells barbells. Is that a weight?
Yes? Did I lift it? Yes? Would you do curls us
from like a push up position, like like a row from a push up?
Yeah, that's that type of sh I liked orange theory, It was
all right? Um, so yeah, they they fucked kids um in Asian
Rome quite quite a bit, quite pretty much all the time, every day
for the entire existence of ancient Rome. Thousands of children were getting sucked.
But in a classy way. No, uh, I wouldn't say that,
And I don't even mean that now to be like, oh, I don't
want to sound like well, I mean, I just mean like, no,
I know, it wasn't in a classy way, because it was usually
they were just raping their slaves. Yeah, there's no such thing as a
classy way child. Yeah, no matter Rome, you can eat all the
meat probably pretty similar to just cutting off um, cutting off a piece of
slab a child. Yeah, so the limit was basically that you couldn't you
couldn't fuck someone else's wife or wow, that's where they kind of drew the
line. Yeah, you couldn't and you couldn't fuck like a free Roman woman
didn't swing or man without consent um. Then it's just no. I mean
they did a little bit, I'm sure, but like you just you're not.
You can't look at it that way. You're looking at it. You're
looking at it with your twenty first century Western Judeo Christian latins. It's just
not how they viewed it at all. So the correct lens, yes,
sure, one that literally everyone uses except them. Yeah, because this is
pre that you get what I'm saying, Like they look they didn't do They
didn't look at it that way I know of course. Um, so you
could go you could fuck someone else's well, you couldn't suck somebody else's wife,
and you couldn't fuck a free Roman woman citizen or male citizen without content,
Like you couldn't rape. Um, you out you couldn't rape. Is
funny in this sense because they were raping constantly. But it's like you weren't
allowed to rape a person and then it's just a definition of who a person
is. Yeah, so this is not getting monetized on YouTube, like what's
history. It's real fucking history. I don't know, I don't know what
you want to tell you. I'm just saying, fifteen minutes in, we've
already talked about child fucking Ray. We're talking about history. It happened,
Yeah I didn't. It's not like this isn't fan fit. Rob's not spinning
a yarn of like what do you think's happened in Rome right now? I
love his last couple episodes though, the one on the Patroon where he just
talks about I know, I've been going to Japanese war crimes. Yeah,
and now he's talking about ancient Rome rape and it's like, man, this
is a yeah, comedy show. Welcome to comedy show. So if you
were a young boy, uh yeah, So there was a if if you
were a free Roman man, though, and you decided, you know,
you wanted you've put so much dick in other people that you want to see
what that feels like. That's no bueno. You can't get fucked because that
made you a bad Roman citizen, a bad Roman male, and a little
bit. Is your Italian not good? Why you said no buyo? No
bueno? What is it? What's Italian for that? Dud? I bet?
It's also no boy, No, that sounds right. Just put italian.
Put a little Italian. Uh no benda for the beak in the ass
um that made you a bitch. You could not be topped, all right,
you were. There was even a slang term for it um. Guius
Lucilius was a satirist, and he described any free born man who uh took
a quote unquote passive role in sects as a skulltimidonnas skult timidonnas, which translates
to uh asshole bestower behold yeah, the original beta. Yes, yes,
you're beta. You're beta, bitch. If you did this, you could
only fuck. You could fuck, you couldn't be fucked, but you could
be a power bottom. No, there is no power bottom. Those two
turns as an oxymoron in ancient Rome. Not if you're throwing a bag.
You know, I guess if you you'd have to go to the plaza and
to the forum and just really really prove what a power bottom meant and gets
the time machine. He's like, oh no, no, no, I'm
not doing anything you think I'm doing. He just goes back in time to
rooms. Like listen, guys, if they throw back, they're a top
two in a week. I mean, with this fucking brickhouse booty, I'm
breaking that. Roman soldiers dig off. I agree. Look, I've said
on multiple shows it's alpha to bottom. Yeah, because you're not concerned.
Yeah, and the opinions of others. Sheep, a bottoming lion does not
consider what is it? What is it? What is the opinions? Top
sheep, prude sheep, Uh, that's our next shirt, that's our next
shirt. Lie a male line bottoming and with sheep laughing at him, but
he's just like having a great time and doesn't care. Text It's like,
I'm also a pig bottom, so the shame doesn't hurt. It actually helps.
The most alpha man on earth is just this dirty pig bottom. Yeah,
so anyway, just a little comes happier than a pig and shit.
Yeah literally. Uh. This really only went for men, by the way,
so women were expected to only be the passive role only bottom and girl
on girl Lesbian sax was looked down on because Romans thought, basically it was
two passive participants. So it's two bottoms. Oh so it makes it worse.
Yeah, no, dominatrix. Nobody's got a dick. You know why
they'd beef with the Germans. What they beef with the Germans and the German
German culture dominatrix kind of more aggressive women those were these were Barbarian women.
Well, so that's the kind that's kind of a thing though they didn't like
women were supposed to be both passive Roman women citizens were supposed to be both
passive participants and chased. Essentially, you only fuck your husband. Really,
do you think this is? Uh, they took our jobs kind of tuition
where it's like funny you say that. Yeah, let me get into that.
That is the next point. Okay, it is very much that they
took our job situation. Male writers did did assume, so they assumed it
was passed because no one had a dick, essentially, but they did assume
that maybe a dildo was used, or a lesbian being more Mannish or whatever,
would have an exceptionally large clitteress that she could use for penetration, but
that the penetrator wouldn't be the only one experiencing pleasure, and if she did
use a dildo or her supersized clit to penetrate another woman. That was bad
because she was stealing the man's role and also was maybe getting so high on
on topping, which she never got to do, wasn't supposed to do that
she would go out and start fucking men and boys and be a threat to
the order of society all tracks. Yeah, no, I mean the society
is going to fall apart if that happens. Yeah, that's why Rome fell.
We've always hated lesbians. It was we society. I mean even now,
dude, lesbians don't really get the same clout as gay man, as
gay man, or any any of the other letters. I feel like lesbians
the bottom of the totem pole. Yeah, it's weird, it's the first
letter, but they're lasting line, they are. It's rough. No,
I mean, I guess it's not like it's been kind to them throughout history.
No. Yeah, it's not been terrible, right, No, it's
been pretty bad. It's been pretty often. Although I do think especially in
like christian I would imagine in like once Christianity got a hold and you talk
of like medieval Europe and on and on. Uh, it feels like they
probably were more offended by two dudes hooking up. Yeah, two women is
nice. You always had that factor. No one was like nice, if
two dudes working, maybe you could maybe you could seduce some magistrate. Because
throughout time, every guy just thinks he can convert any lesbian and it's like,
oh, well I get two of them now, that tracks. That
tracks, whereas with a gay dude, you're like, I'm not wasting pussy
on ye to throw them in the fire. Yes, yeah, that does
track a little bit because men are stupidly man. That's been dogs, yeah,
throughout human history. So there were portrayals of women. Essentially, this
fear was portrayed in different art of women sodomizing boys, drinking and eating like
men, oh god, engaging in you know, physical regiments maybe like being
a gladiatrix or a soldier or something zena warrior princess basically, and that all
reflected the sort of cultural anxiety romans would have from time to time women getting
too independent? Is it so hard to say that? Yeah, just keep
the ladies down, that's what they wanted to do. Do you ever have
like a beefy female crush growing up? It's an alpha female. Oh that
you were into as a child, as a child, or as just a
team. I mean like alpha female, Buffy, I mean Sarah Michelle Geller.
She hot, just hot. She wasn't really buff or alpha. I
mean she her name was Buffy. Dude, what are you talking about?
She's buff as shit. Uh, I don't know. Maybe some of some
of those chicks from the US soccer team in ninety eight with Mia hamm Mihim's
good looking chick Miah Ham Yeah that was what ninety eight? Yeah, yeah,
I was seven or I just respected the game. Yeah, you gotta
respect the game. Everyone loved that team. No, it wasn't ninety ninety
nine anything. It what good matter? Um So there are actually though,
despite this uh lesbian stuff being um not so great in Rome, they didn't
really like it. Surviving mosaics of girl on girl action in where else?
POMPEII, right, party City, Panama City of Vension realm the fucking greatest.
I honestly just I think that Pompey was too rad to continue existing.
City is not Panama City anymore. I know. Maybe God did it.
Maybe God made the volcano. God was like that was the real like sodom.
Yeah, but in like the best way, you know what I mean,
Like it was just like this place is too rad, it's too cool
to exist if that pompeii Yeah, I mean fucking it seems like it in
a way. Um, but you were not, by the way, let
off the hook for being the passive participant as a male, even if it
was not consensual. Oh, that just means you lost sex and you're a
sword of loser. Yeah, it means you're a bitch. You're double bitch
because that guy beat you up and then fucked you. Was it? You
win sex? Yeah, you win sex with the man as straight as it
gets. Uh Yeah, so that didn't. That didn't. That was not
like you just basically had to keep your asshole clean at all times. It
doesn't matter how the dick gets in there, consensual, non consensual. If
it gets in there, you are a bitch and you're not a proper Roman
male today, too many people, it does. Think about how many fucking
gay rabs probably go on reported I mean, I assume a fucking lot.
Yes, yeah, yeah, I would imagine, But that doesn't really they
don't view that though the way Romans did. Where Romans were like, that's
your fault and you suck that guy who got you. He's a pretty good
Roman. He got you, so you got God. Yeah, that's the
difference. That is so crazy that it's like, dude, why'd you let
that happen? Right? Literally? So there was what there was actually one
Roman emperor, uh named Vitilius who was allegedly quote unquote used like a girl
when he was younger by then emperor Tiberius. Oh use like Tom Holland,
Yes, uh, ironically the historian who I'm quoting him this his name Tom
Holland, Is it really? Yeah? No way, what are the odds?
Boys? Sometimes the stars aligne. Yeah. So people gave Vitilius shit
for this his whole life. His nickname was actually Sphincter. Oh no,
that's a tom scene is a bad nickname. That might be the worst nickname
in history. Yeah, I'm trying to think of a worse one and I
can't. Sphincter. Sphincter was the emperor's nickname. It's not even like and
this was all on rumors, by the way. Now maybe it happened,
I don't know, But because he was young when he was with Tiberius,
like on the like he was part of his I don't know court or something.
Um. But yeah, it's not even like RHYMI or like nameI or
sing song. You know, it's not like manina or like you know,
there's no pun in it, sink sphincter, you are what we use.
So it wasn't It wasn't super fun for him. But again, it did
not matter if you were having sex as a man, if you were having
sex with men or women, just as it just you had to be the
top. That was it. Uh. Even still, people had preferences,
arguably even quote unquote modern preferences, um for some of them. The emperor
Claudius was actually, according to historians of the era, um known to only
have sex with women. Huh. Interesting, it's crazy that there were people
writing about this. Oh, there is a lot of history on romans back.
Yeah. Woman, I did another episode, one of our female episodes
on on history's most famous slut or most slut shamed woman, And she wasn't.
I know, she wasn't. She wasn't even I just said she was.
But I do like that the guy had to like set the record straight,
like, no, dude on like women, what Claudius write that down.
No he didn't. He didn't so he was he didn't set the record
straight. So essentially they wrote it down because it was like peculiar. It's
like, okay, listen, man, we know oh, because he wasn't
topping on dudes. It was like, the way the historian put it,
would be like only being into blonds, yeah, or only being into like
bbwa. Yeah, Jeck's got a type. It's women like he's real particular
what a queer. That's odd, man, that's fucking weirdo. Man.
The Roman emperor Galba, on the other hand, only slept with dudes,
only fuck guys, but topped, yes, but topped. And again this
was seen as having a very specific type thing. You know what I mean.
Yeah, Like it wasn't well, you think you're better than us,
you think you're too good to fuck a guy. Ore Go, what are
you doing? Man? You didn't try all the flavors. You're gonna limit
your options. It's more than one type of hole, buddy, what do
you so? Uh? There was also and it's just this is why the
Claudius thing is is um I guess odd in particular because at the time of
so Claudius, when it was Claudius. Tiberius was, I believe, the
emperor when um Jesus was crucified. But this is like early Imperial time,
right, ump emper Claudius. Uh he was, yeah, this same same
time. He was around the same time. He was emperor until fifty four
eighty, so this is the early early Empire. He was the one when
Jesus. No, Tiberius was when Jesus was execute my boy, yeah,
oh yeah, my boy. Why don't you name your firstborn Tiberius? Do
it? It's not a terrible name, Tiberius. You just say you're a
star Trek fan. Yeah, seriously, it's not the worst name. It's
actually not bad. I'm not naming my kid. But because that's just dumb,
you don't be associated with nerds said it. Captain Kirk. Come on,
he's a badass. Nah, James call him beer beer. Oh it's
back on the hey, beer beer, give me a beer beer. Oh
yeah, no, I love that kind of child abuse. That's great.
So oh you as a single dad, because obviously you're gonna get divorced.
Just no with the child. Oh, the child would call the divide.
So if we don't, we stay together forever. Yeah, well, got
great news. I know. Yeah, Okay, check it out real quick.
Katie has some wild pregnancy where she doesn't find out she's pregnant until three
days before she's due. It's an immaculate conception. You can fly down to
Honduras and get that thing's brains scrambled and keep your marriage intact but it's like
fully formed. Or you can let the baby born and know that your marriage
will gets off at one point. What do you do? That's an impossible
question to ask on air. Well, you rip out the baby and then
you crack its neck and get all the stem cells. That's the that's the
what is it? Chris? This isn't my favorite topic for me? His
wife on like mind listening to the show. I know now I'm gonna have
a conversation about this moment, and it's really weird. It's weird because I'm
in the present talking right now, but I know I'm also in a moment
in the future where you're trying this conversation that this just means he's going to
keep the baby, He's not gonna scramble A nine. Yeah, do you
murder or do you save your marriage? Which do you kill the child murder
um not at nine months, dude, breathe that first breath, then we'll
start talking. Anyway, proceed, I'm not getting it. He's gonna avoid
pass pass. Oh my god. All right, so the mother and child
died during childbirth, is he No? Wait, hold on, I mean,
I've never been to Honduras. I'd rather keep my wife in my life
than lay like then risk it on some nobody. I don't know. I
never met this kid. This kid, I can never uck. Kid,
God suck. He might be the next huge gamble. He's gonna suck when
you're just sitting there being like you asshole this whole life. Yeah, I
mean, like it's not good for anyone in the one where I don't go
to Honduras. If you think about it, I'm gonna resent the child.
I'm not gonna have my wife anymore. Like, but you get a dopass
trip. Everyone's alive to Central America. The trip. That's what I'm saying.
I'm agreeing with you. He's he is picking Honduras. I don't know
what you're talking about. Yeah, he's putting that baby in a blender and
then you stay there because if it become a surf because because you're putting it
on the it is predicated on the fact that if I don't do that,
I lose my marriage. So yeah, it's a pretty easy pick for me.
Okay, baby Killer Jake. Uh. Anyway, so there was leave
a review baby Killer Jake. You know what. Yeah, that's my band
by Killer, Stinky Farts and the baby Killers. The reason Claudius was so
bizarre to people, by the way, it's because I think around I think
around this time, um. But certainly in the early ISSH Imperial era,
like the first one hundred and fifty years UM, there was a very very
specific like the ultimate sort of sexual partner um or a most desirable sexual partner
was essentially like a super twink, a unicorn, like a borderline like transaxual
to be on m transone that is feminine, extremely feminine, like a lady
boy would be. They a shalome, a castrated chalome. Oh, they
castrated them. Unis were Yeah, basically boys slash Unichs were dressed elaborately to
look like women. They would have makeup, feminine hair styles, all asstuff.
This was this was showing up to your high school reunion with Margot Robbie
having a lady boy. Yeah. Really, yes, Well, you know
it's interesting. I've actually read I Believe in the Indian subcontinent when you know
about sexuality there and similar things were like it was similar to that because the
whole concept behind it was like, oh, they're very feminine, but there's
no breasts again in the way of the embrace, so you can fully embrace
the person while you're having sex with them. I think men have just been
trying to get women the hell out of their lives for their time. Wait.
Wait, so you're saying India's small tit community like the pro small tits.
I don't. I don't. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying
that was the logic that was presented in whatever articles This is America. Well,
they wouldn't be the first society, all right, this is we want
fucking jugs, I want fucking giant, fucking cannons and twins. But India
happened. India was not the only society that felt that way. Ancient Romans
felt that way too about titties, but the embrace was blocked. No,
but they didn't like big tits. We'll get into that. That's a little
later, take that small titty bullshit out of my face. All right,
who's this character that you are? This is just America, man, This
is I'm just standing up for what's right. Dan's country enough energy drink to
let this all out? Yeah, essentially, um, first form Yeah,
Dan is just chugging first form energy drinks, getting a boner and cool love
hanging out with my boys drinking energy drinks and getting boners. I also to
man, so they don't even sponsor us? Was for the plug? They
should? Yeah? Dan's rock hard for you guys. Anyway. Um,
so you get like a staticky TV in here real quick for what just to
try and see if we see porn? Oh yeah yeah yeah, but like
softcore porn cinemax that you don't Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean.
But it's the cable's kind of shitty, so it's coming in a little
bit. We all know exactly what we're talking about. Kids today, don't
don't understand. If you look at Rob's work computer, one of his most
visited websites is porn up? Really that one over there? Yeah, it's
on Google like the Hope the six home your top six there, because he'll
just put on violent pornography while they're mid show, while we're producing violent not
violent, but like insane violent, like weird. It's Rob's kind of cank.
It's his playlist. He's got the playlist feature on porn hupping. He's
just like queuing it up. He's like, you know, like some people
put songs together, Yeah, I put just facials. Just dudes dunk in
the woman's face and the toilet and just give him a swirling and flushing the
toilet. My favorite one is called no Escape Room. Jesus Christ. It's
a good one. Uh, what's the most fucked up shit you've come to?
I'm not doing this on this show. And also just to it's not
fucked up? What are you looking at? Something truly fucked up? And
I'm actually pretty boring. Yeah, I think a lot of people are.
Yeah, yeah, I tried. The sex club. Wasn't from me,
no coward. I know. You get a fucking arm sleeve tattoo and you
can't even adopt the lifestyle. I'm trying to be as Austin as possible.
That's more circles see or no, I'm sorry Steiner Ranch is it? It's
more Steiner Ranch to be lifestyle. It's whatever part of on it is at
yeah, on it too. So shot spired turning boys, particularly slaves,
all these slaves or poor people into Unix actually became um so popular and so
widespread that it kind of started to be a problem. Oh no, they
were cutting off off too many nutsacks. In Rome, the Senate literally had
to pass a law that said you could not just up and castrate a boy,
even if you owned him, if the main reason or the like,
the only reason was just because you wanted to keep him famine fun. They
had the Bob Barker stopped spading new Ter in your slaves. Yes, God,
yes, but by the way, this was this was If you thought
this was to protect the slaves, you are wrong. Um. One of
the primary virtues of a Roman citizen, along with only fucking never getting fucked,
is to a big component of being a good Roman male is self control.
And I guess these guys, I mean on the edge. They were
just going goddamn bananas on these Unich boys, to the point where they were
like, like, you could fuck a boy eunuch, but you can't just
like get up in the middle of dinner and take them to the bathroom,
you have to wine. Yeah, well, like you're like think the manage,
Like we're all at dinner with our boy eunichs and I'm just like,
I kind of cal man. I can't even like that's too much. It's
like the Namble episode of South Park. Yeah, my boy, butters,
it's un Roman too. You don't want to be this straight savage, right,
Yeah, that's not real, Like finish your mule. So essentially they
were like everyone has gotten a little too wild with these lady boys. We
gotta fucking I imagine it was back after a long night of lead tainted wine.
Yeah, with their lady boys, many a night um. Perhaps the
most famous instance of um a eunuch, twink slave whatever um was after Nero's
wife died. Now the propaganda says that Nero kicked her to death for nagging
him about being out too late at the chariot races. They're kind of checks
though that tracks for new Probably not true, even though he's a psycho according
to his According to historian, it's probably not true. He used Christians as
torches for his parties, So I'm gonna go with yes, that was kind
of metal. They weren't Christians weren't people. His wife was people. What
if she converted to Christian She did not. As far as I know,
he was. He was in love with her, and he was heartbroken when
she died. Here's how I know that he probably didn't do it on purpose.
He was so heartbroken when she died that he found this boy named Sporus,
had him castrated, and uh just forced him to spend the rest of
his life dressed up like his dead wife. Actually have heard about this one,
which is weird, but yeah, it's it's very odd. It's like,
you're my wife, now, yeah, you are my like your new
wife. No, no, you're my old wife. I'm gonna call you
the name man Sporus is not a good name. It's almost as well Sporus.
That wasn't a name for long because he was the new Papea Sabina,
which is his wife's name, his wife's name. He was just Papea Sabina
too. Can you imagine, like your boss, right, it loses his
wife and you're like, oh shit, that sucks for Jim mand that effect
work. And then you're at the Christmas party like a month later, and
he's just trotting around that like that kind of person, like a person he
found him a man or boy. It's like castrated on twink. Yeah,
and it's like, no, this is my like just place it off like
the one never Carol. Yeah, this is Carol. This is you know
Carol, don't you dare question? Yeah, you're your your boss can also
have you killed at any moments, Carol, Carol, So good to see
you. Glad you didn't get eaten by lions like we all thought, but
I guess. Yeah, it's so great she has risen. What a great
day, Carol. I be insane even without the fact that they could kill
you, like you imagine you're like, what the fuck? Right? Even
just fire you? Yeah, it's like, oh yeah, I'd play along
to keep my job. Oh can you imagine the goss after the party?
Everyone be the best day of work? Be like, hey that Carol,
Carol, I've seen her around. That was Steve. He worked in the
mail room. Let's see the mail room real slow huh? And now yeah,
I mean the bosses went down there, yeah and grabbed him and now
he's Carol. Now Carol, U the best day of work. Well,
somehow Sports's life only got worse from there. I mean, you hear about
how it ended. No, I didn't. But it's kind of crazy to
start at the bottom of the hill and just dive below the ground the bottom
of the hill in a sinkhole. Open. Let's see. Nero was known
for fire. He loved fire. You would be wrong. Nero loved him.
But Nero died. Oh no, so we got passed. Oh well,
what happened is people don't really like Nero. So sports became sort of
a war trophy for the two emperatures, who immediately succeeded in hero, the
second of which our old friends sphincter. It's a sphincter. Sporus off kind
of uh, decided to dunk on Nero's memory. Um, it would be
rad to do something terrible to Sporus. Oh no, spors Yeah, so
he wanted to shame the dead hated emperor by taking his replacement wife. Um.
And his plan was to have Sporus dressed up like the goddess Persephone taken
into the arena. Wouldn't they call see him yet? By taking into the
arena, uh, and be gang raped to death by gladiators who were all
dressed like hades. Theatrics Yeah, Hades, if you don't know, is
James Woods's character from the movie Hercules, the Blue flame hair guy. So
the next time you see that character, watch Hercules, the beloved Disney movie.
Just remember this fun fact. Remember that. Well sport Us heard about
this and was like, they're gonna do what and was like seeya and just
killed himself. Ah well, honestly, that's the honorable way. He only
went. No, I think you gotta be entertainment do anything for the content.
You gotta do it for the content. So you're Sporus. If that
was my option, I'm not killing myself. I'm going out. You're going
to die while being gang raped. It's not gladiators. I'm going out with
honor. Yeah, I don't. No, it's gonna be like, man,
he really took it. Yeah, wow, what a guy in the
arena. So we've there's two separate instances of Dan going back to ancient Rome
and being like into oblivion. No, no, no, no, it's
Dan going to the Senate and being like, listen, you can top if
you're bottoming if you throw it back. And I want to give that Teddy
Roosevelt man in the arena speech, and no Dan's also gonna go You're gonna
have an apple in your mouth. You a little pick bottom. Dan's gonna
go to sports and it's time of need and be like, just go enjoy
it. I just have fun, live, laugh, love it. You
know, get your groove back. I'm gonna win them over. You get
in that persephone off and you go out there and show them what you're made
of. There's only one way for you to win. To throw it back
so hard they'll die. You gotta power bottomower bottom your way out of this.
It's just like it's like hours later and there's twenty gladiators dead of dehydration
in the arena. They couldn't take it. It's a little bottom of kitsch
and the Emperor is like, do not stop, just keeps throwing bodies,
doesn't matter. I yield Jesus Christ. Next movie. Um so yeah,
so uh the Last Temptation of sporis. This is what would happen if you
did sports revenge. There's likely hundreds of thousands of stories as grim as sports
is, more or less, but not quite as spectacular. Um, because
you see another thing a Roman man's supposed to do was fuck his slaves all
the time, gotta take care of him. No, it's just to take
care of yourself. Your slaves are literally your flesh lights. Oh gross.
Yeah, so they never masturbated. I don't think they needed to a lot.
No, Like literally, if a rich Roman guy with horny, it
was just you now, and this was not cheating, like this is this
is jacking off. Yeah, it's just your property. I'm dead ass serious.
In fact, uh, they these I mean the slaves were essentially like
one of their jobs was essentially like cum dumpster, to the point where Romans
had the same word for ejaculate and urinate. Oh gross. Do you think
just to relieve yourself, think Thomas Jefferson just appreciated ancient Roman culture, you
know, I'm sure that might be how he sometimes justified it to himself.
Yeah, if I had to really guess, there's you know, I think
about the lens we just talked about, right, and we look at things
through the lens over time. You have to like understand that it's still a
person, right. I think it's all just like historically people telling themselves that.
I think Thomas Jefferson knew it was a person. I do not think
these people did, Okay, it's when it's so ingrained into the society for
hundreds and times of years. I mean people talk about social constructs all the
time. I mean, this is is in a social contact. It's a
social pillar, it's a social foundation. Okay, you know what I mean,
Like it's foundational. Like you know, the guy was referred to as
sphincter. Yeah, no, that's and he was a powerful man. I
would that's insane. Yeah, that's a good point. That's really nuts.
Here's how the best way I could think of relating it is is say someone
I don't know, two thousand years in the future, literally two thousand years
in the future. It is like, I mean, but on some level,
they had to know that the cows were living things. Yeah, damn
yeah, it's like they had to Like it's someone didn't they appreciate that the
cows like had some level of emotion. Yeah no, it's so true because
you know, damn well, if they can never figure out how to make
animals talk like communicate with us, it's over. Oh yeah, Like no,
there's gonna be a point where it's like do we keep eating them?
Right? Like do we keep doing that? Like like Carl put that thing
on his head, and now the cow is just begging me not to kill
it, and it says, we've baby, please, no, my baby,
and Jake's like, but then Jake's like, I gotta kill your baby.
My wife's gonna leave me. So oh because that's a call back to
the baby. Let's go back to Yeah. But yeah, that's I imagine
how their livestock their fu. Yeah, it's I mean, it's fair unfortunate,
but you know it's not fair, but yeah, it's it's it's a
matter of fact for the time. Uh so, yeah, this was all
I mean, they were flashlights in fact. Um, oh, this is
not it doesn't have to do with that. But for whatever reason, I
just put this in here a common metaphors for they just I just don't know
why this is in this right here. But they said that, um that
they just called the anus the ring. M hm oh, it's just your
ring. Simple. That was even in medical terms, And it was like
the decorum way to put it. Oh, it was like the nice way
to put it. Got it. Yeah, I was had his ring.
I had by slaves ring. That's oddly polite sounding. One ring to rule
them all. It was, yeah, and it was usually the boy too.
I mean to the point where there were quite a few Romans who preferred
boys or unis or even just got male slaves too rampant what so like,
it was actually very common and not looked at like you said, it wasn't
homosexual. He there wasn't hop and bottom, it was top and bottom.
Yeah, there was no wonder how prevalent that was like globally at the time.
Uh, I don't know, because even ancient Greece had slightly different views.
That's so close. But those are both highly civilized cultures. There was
probably some mud people that were getting down, yeah whatever was happening in like
gall and fucking literally just in Germany. Yeah, Germany's fucking gnarly, I'm
sure. Or maybe they were more like, um, what if they maybe
they were more like modern day maybe they didn't like yeah, what if they
were just straight as an arrow? But honestly so and that's why they kind
of case that could I mean if that was actually why they warred. Yeah,
Like I mean, they constantly came in conflict because they're like you who,
God, you guys keep fucking butts. I mean, it could really
just be a case of like you know, people in the country look at
metropolitan lifestyle is incredibly lavish and decadent to the point of being vile. Yeah,
and you know, metropolitan people look at country people like, oh my
god, you backwoods hicks. You don't know anything about modernization. Yeah,
you're like, really be that? I mean why I probably is there was
probably a lot of that. Yeah, right, that's kind of the common
shot at like billionaires, where like you get to a certain point of power
and wealth that you just keep pushing the limits. Yeah, right, and
see what you can get away with. And then one day you're like,
you know what, I mean, what even is you know, wrong and
morally right? The ancient rumans used to do this. And then the next
thing, you know, you're just you're at Epstein's Island. Yeah, wearing
a fucking bird mask doing insane shit. Yeah. It's like, no,
there's some stuff we figured out what's definitely wrong that I don't care if I'm
looking at it only through my current lens of society. You know, personally,
I don't think anyone uses a lens of society. It's more so just
a gut check for almost everything. But the gut check is I guess formed
from society and right and wrong and stuff like that. But I think there's
probably a level of like nature to it on some level. Yeah, I
can see, uh. I mean, yeah, there's visceral reaction, but
even even that determined by how you're raised. Essentially, it could be some
things might be innate though. I mean like southern culture, southern black culture.
Would dog fighting with Michael Vick, right, that wasn't seen as like
a big deal to him. No, I mean to a lot of people.
It's not. To a lot of cultures. It's still very much not
you know, yeah, And I mean cock fighting in uh In that is
huge in like Puerto Rico, in the Dominican public. And I mean,
to be fair, like we fucking eat cows Like what's I ohe dogs they're
better. Like I personally find dog fighting disgusting, but it's at the end
of the day. But oh, cow fight not a bullfight where a man
stabs a bull. They have cow wrestling in Japan in Okinawa actually really yeah,
they have to. You know, somebody from high school they went cow
tipping. Oh h well, one, I don't think cow tipping is real.
It is real, No, I think it's a myth. Dude,
I don't think anyone tips cows. I think it's real. It's very real.
No, I don't think so. If you're telling me no one in
the last seventy years has cow tipped, I don't believe anyone that ever said
they did, is what I'm saying. Like, I never believed anyone that
said they went cow tipping, because yeah, it was prevalent in the we
went cow tipping. I think you, I think you underestimate how little people
used to have to do. I meant at my high school, okay,
like cow tipping period. Don't think any kid I know did that. I
think truly, I don't all said they did. I mean it was like
a thing growing up hearing about you know what They're like, Oh yeah,
kids in the country go cow tipping for fun. Well, actually, the
thing that everyone did say they did, and I know they did this was
they'd go to the cow fields and get shrooms out of the poop because the
like psilocybe mushrooms grown cow poop. That's weird. Yeah, I'd rather just
push them over anything ze gunnies. Yeah that seems better. So another funny
thing about um, I guess the boy verse girl may in verse woman.
Whatever you wanna call a thing is um. Romans basically believed that anal sex
was better with uh men than women or board unix or whatever than diet um.
I don't know. The Roman satirist and Marshal Uh spelled mr t I
a l uh he uh wrote something about how his wife he wanted to try
to have anal sex with his wife and uh she essentially uh or she tried
to have sex with She tried to have anal sex with him, and he
was like, fuck that your butthole sucks. And to prove it, he
brought in one of his boy slaves and was like, look at how much
better this butthole is than yours compared. Yeah, did he bring a hand
mirror for like? I think he just showed it, showed him her her
his, and was just like, trust me, you don't want loose,
though you probably won't lose. I don't know. For butts, have you
had butt sex? Yeah? Once, dude, it's not good. I
don't like it either. It's not good. I think it's pretty whatever.
Although I've never been the receiver, so I can't speak to that aspect of
it. But topping topping a butt man. Yeah, somebody else offers me
it pass. Yeah, I just Vagina will do real quick. Before we
get back into this episode that no one should want to advertise on, we
do have some advertisers. Yeah, they didn't know what they were getting.
They never do. First up is Texas Hill Country Provisions and their new Chill
Country Rosin Gummies. It's a a THHC gummy and they're fucking awesome. Man.
You got to Chill Country dot com slash softcore to get twenty percent off
their rosin gummies, And if you go to THHC Provisions dot com slash softcore,
you can get twenty percent off the hats and apparel and stuff like that.
I'm wearing a Texas Hill Country Provisions hoodie and a Texas Hill Country Visions
hat that I was wearing backwards, but I'm wearing the hatack to the gummies.
It's the perfect amount, man, it really is. It's the perfect
just I want to chill out. It's like having a I don't know if
we can legally say what I was about to say, so won't, but
it is great. It's it's really just the perfect it's good vibe, good
times, It's very like t shop, just like, yeah, I'm just
gonna I'm here to vibe. And this isn't This isn't some gas station bullshit
that you see pop up as soon as the state makes Delta nine legal or
whatever. This they do this right. It is organic. It's rosin pressed.
It's from a dude from California who is now here growing and stuff.
I mean it is. They do it all natural. All right again,
I'll just say I just want to reiterate this is not synthetic gas station garbage
nonsense. This is the real deal, good stuff. There's nothing rocky about
it. It's super smooth, either like you know, you're going out for
a brunch maybe or if you're like just trying to watch a movie. They
have different strains. You're still gonna be present, You're not going to be
if you'd like to understand open Harmer while also feeling glorious while seeing it,
Yeah, good call great or Napoleon anything like that, which we will definitely
be going. Oh yeah, this is uh. The Chill Country Rosin gummies
are available in three Texas inspired flavors. It's made right here in the Hill
Country, um, and they're perfectly dialed strains. The Indica is prickly pear
flavored, which I love. The Sativa is ranch water flavored. That's a
goave lime for you non Texan barbarians. And then the hybrid is peach all
three or great. Um. I usually stick with Indica because it's the chill
out one. Yeah, it's Indica into couch Into. I love it.
Both. They're amazing and by the way, I can't say enough again about
um the THHC Provisions merged like they make really really really high quality T shirts,
hats, hoodies, everything, etc. And it's a small business right
here in the Central Texas in Hill Country. Check both of them out.
That's chill Country dot Com slash Softcore for twenty percent off the rosin gummies and
THHC Provisions dot Com slash Softcore for the same deal on their hats and apparel.
It's all in our description on you know where we get your podcast.
Next up, we've got Factor head to Factor Meals dot com slash Softcore fifty
to use the code softcore fifty to get fifty percent. I'm gonna do again.
Sorry, Yeah, that's take two. Next up, we've got Factor
go to Factor Meals dot com slash Softcore fifty and use the code Softcore fifty
to get fifty percent off your order. That's code Softcore fifty. At Factor
Meals dot Com slash softcore fifty to get fifty percent off. What does Factor
Meals? They are the best America's number one ready to eat meal kit.
They'll help you fuel up fast with flavorful, nutritious food. They sent me
a whole box of this and it. These meals have no business being as
good as they are, so I'm aware because me and Jake didn't get any
of them. We had to order our own because you kept all the meals
to yourself. Yes, I did. You does that every time? I
did, every goddamn time. There's still other stuff in the car if you
want to get that. But look, I'm just telling you, these are
the best meals I have ever had from a mail service or whatever. And
they and you don't have to make them. They come ready made. You
just heat them up. And again, they have no business being as good
as they are. A lot of the ones you hear about you gotta make
it, You still gotta cook and stuff like that. We've established your wife
can't cook, right, No, you cannot uh. And these meals they're
ready in two minutes. You can get breakfast with them. They've got egg
bites, pancakes, all kinds stuff like that. You can get lunches to
go with them. You can get appetizers with them. They sent me a
caso that was bimanas uh. And then you can get different types of meals
to paleo, calorie conscious, um figure macros. Yeah. Yeah, just
stuff that will fit your your life. Whatever you need, vegan, vegetarian,
it doesn't matter that you can. There's a bunch of ad ons you
can do. You can, I mean you, it's super oustimizable. And
again, my god, it is so easy and they're so good. Like
it literally me and my wife for pote, like this is stupid. How
good this is. Factor Meals dot com slash softcore fifty and use the code
softcore fifty to get fifty percent off. They've got everything, like all the
kind of meat you want, all the veggies you want, anything like that,
whatever protein you want, all Like I'm telling you, it's so good.
Use the code softcore fifty at factor meals dot com h slash softcore fifty
to get fifty percent off your order. Next uphead to policy genius dot com
or click the link of the description to get a free life insurance quote and
see how much you could save on life insurance as policy genius dot com.
This is where I got my life insurance through. Here is what policy Genius
does. They essentially shot for life insurance for you. You give them some
basic info and they find whatever could be right for you, what you need,
whatever. And they are so thorough it is insane. And they they
have human beings, not AI or just a dumb computer. Human beings who
walk you through everything, human beings who pick out your policies, all of
that stuff. You need real life insurance if you are over the age of
twenty five basically let alone, if your kid, the wife, parents,
that depend on you, whatever, Policy genius. If you're worried about shopping
for live insurance you think you just don't know it, like the way like
you know, you go to a mechanics, you think they're gonna screw you
over. Politogenius. They're there for you for that. This is I cannot
recommend doing them enough. That's where I got my insurance from. With Politygenius,
you can find life insurance policies that started just twenty five dollars a month
for one million dollars in coverage. Some options offer coverage in as little as
a week and avoid unnecessary medical exams. It's all licensed, award winning agents
at Pologenius who help you find the best fit for your needs. They work
for you, not the insurance companies. They are not. They don't.
They don't work with the insurance companies at all. They just find the best
stuff. They don't. They're not, you know, told to pick one
over the other or anything like that. It is the best place to get
life insurance. So go to policygenius dot com or click the link in the
description, and then you'll have to say where you found them. Found found
Pologenius. You say it's a po gas and you say it's softcore History.
Softcore History sent you damn right. I can't recommend enough. They do the
shopping for you, and it's the best policy genius dot com. Tell them
softcore History say yeah, next up, we've got first form first form dot
com slash softcore History. Go there to get free shipping on all orders over
seventy five dollars when you use the link. Uh Dan, Yes, what
do you like about First Form? Love their energy drinks. I'm drinking them
right now. That's why I have so much goddamn energy. But it is
legit the best energy drink in the business. It's delightful, actually hits.
You know, some of these energy drinks like I feel nothing, but First
Form I actually feel that kick. I like that. It's just a level
keeps me going. I don't have heart palpitations. Yeah, it's always nice
and it lasts. It's like an XR energy drink. Natural caffeine. Yeah.
Also incredible beef sticks. Yeah, the best money Grahams a protein forget
about it. It's best beefsticks on the market. Incredible. We're not even
here to talk about all that. No, that's other shit you'll add to
your cart, because we're here to talk about greens fifty from First Form.
It's a precisely formulated green super food powder meant for overall mean system support and
digestive health, like like eighty percent of your immune system. It's located your
gut and digestive tracts. This is the second brand, It's a second parade
healthy digestion. And here's the thing, right, you're not going to eat
enough vegetables throughout the day. You're it's almost impossible to you would have to
eat. You have to deal like twelve servants of vegetables a day to actually
get what human beans are supposed to. Yeah, you take the supplement at
Gotzi covered, You're good to get covered. There are five different blends in
optigreens. Fifty meant for specific digestive health and immune benefits. The Green Superfood
Blend for overall mean system support. Find a nutrient blend for defense against toxins
in the air and the foods we eat. The glycenic Balance blend, which
is for the highs and lows and energy throughout the day, keeps you kind
of level. Digestive enzyme blend, which is for the nutrients. It helps
you absorbit the nutrients you know that your body means when you eat. And
the probiotic blend is obviously that's good health. First form dot com slash Softcore
History. That is the number one st p h o RM dot com slash
softcore History. It's in the it's in the description. If you need to
click it. Check it out. Free shipping over seventy five car Do it,
I mean, god, just do it and last, but not least,
we got ghostbed ghostbed dot com slash drinking Bros. Right now. You
get forty percent off ghostbed bundles where you do the mattress and you just will
base and you added anything over from there, the sheets, their pillows,
whatever, and thirty percent off of anything you buy, whether it's one pillow
or five mattresses. But you don't need a base whatever. If you use
the code drinking Bros. At ghostbed dot com slash drinking Bros. You got
all this stuff will be in the description if you need to click the link
there. You can get a mattress for like thirty five dollars a month.
I got zero down, zero percent financing up to sixty months or made in
America. The mattresses, sheets, the pillows, everything all has cooling technology.
Daniel sleeps one every night. Every night. We have pillows and sheets
from them. The cooling technology right now is incredible because it's insanely hot two
hundred fucking degrees in Texas. Cannot recommend ghost bed enough. Don't go to
some dinky you know, stripmall mattress store and do that. Don't don't do
that. These matches are better. You can finance them. It's it's zero
down. They're made in America, like I said, cooling technology, and
you get either forty percent off or thirty percent off depending what you buy.
It's an incredible deal at ghostbed dot com. Forward slash drinking Bros. All
right, let's get back to the show. There is also historical evidence that
so there's all this Roman debauchery, right, all this sexual debauchery, the
fucking lady boys and topping and fucking whoever the fuck you felt like. An
other thing you could do, by the way, is fucked someone in a
lower class. Well, of course, right, it's power right, pretty
much, she could do that. Don't you want to fuck up the ladder
though? Sure you marry up the ladder, you fuck down the ladder.
Hmm yeah, very upuck down dude. Yeah. Um. So there are
some historical opinions that the sexual debauchery was mostly limited to the upper classes.
And by the way, these are most of the people we have the records
from the literate class, the rich class, people who you know, could
pay to have things written down and stuff like that. The nonwealthy majority,
the middle class and certainly lower were apparently potentially a lot more reserved in their
sexual practices and looked down on the upper class, in part because the upper
class, uh you know, stumbled trunk down into their neighborhoods and were just
like, they're fucking monsters. Yeah, oh, are we surprised, Right,
It's always been that way. They weren't necessarily of the same opinion as
the rich Romans. And like I said earlier, good Roman women did not
have the same expectations as good Roman men. They're supposed to be chased and
mary, it wasn't when they had sex. It wasn't really a big deal
if they came or not. Sex was supposed to be really only pleasurable for
them for the man. The woman's joy of sex came from getting pregnant,
and like, yeah, you can't do that to the mother of your child,
right, you can't do all these deviant things. That is a huge
part of it. You had, like, I don't know, nice,
normal vanilla sex with your wife, and then you went and did just insane
shit to other people, prostitute slaves. You know, it's the baker's daughter.
A lot of this still very much exists. It's called business guys in
Thailand. Yeah, it's called business. Guys in Thailand. Yep, that's
it. Yeah, this very much still exists. Never trust a woman that
goes to Dubai. Never trust a man that goes to Thailand. Never ever
trusted dude who went solo to Thailand. Very close friend. Oh we all
do, I guess yeah. Anyway, Yeah, you'd better be trained in
moy Thai. You're right, But even then you better go straight to your
home, to your apartment. Yeah, you have food delivered. You don't
leave the apartment except for moy Thai. You live stream that whole thing.
Um, women just really, believe it or not, didn't get a great
didn't get a great deal in all this. Well, I guess I believe
it. Yeah. One of the slang words women used for their general's was
porcus, which means pig. But that was actually because of its usage.
You would sacrifice a pig to the Goddess series, and you know, for
wedding rights. So I guarantee there's a bunch of rich women that got down
with the lower class, but it wasn't written down because they didn't talk about
that definitely happened, and there were oftentimes we'll get into a little bit,
but essentially like women would get be given like gladiators or slaves or something to
get like absolutely railed out Spaniard. Yeah, there's actually a scene in Rome,
I forget which season it is, where the main woman fucking August Caesar's
mom, I forget her name, she's fucking Mark Anthony. But one of
her gladiator, one of her friends brings her or like buys her a slave
with just a fucking hammer cock, just fucking huge, and she's like because
she can just it's he's a dildo, right for the men. The slaves
are reflected that that's a living dildo, and they show it too, and
it's fucking huge. Roma and Rome shows it. Yeah. Um but yeah,
just in general, though, vaginas not looked on that great Marshall again
writes of female genitalia only badly, only insultingly. He described one ladies vagina
as loose as the foul gullet of a pelican. Oh wow. Uh.
The vagina is often um compared to a boy's anus as a receptacle fallats.
So it's just like, yeah, you know his that boy's buttle or pussy
whatever. Yeah, it's another hole. Yeah, we're sleeping on pelicans,
though they they are kind of uh you think they're hot. Huh No,
they're aggressive, swallow, they're fucking dinosaurs, their nightmares, they are crazy.
Why they fit so much in their mouths? Little sluts? Mm hmmm
uh so yeah, like you wouldn't want your vagina to be described as a
pelican's mouth. No, but your mouth maybe I don't think so. No,
because then you got just a lot of hang down. No, no,
you're not your fucking chin or your neck your mouth, so you can
fit like everything in I I guess this is the third thing. Tan goes
back for it. Yeah, like change it up. He's power mouthing.
Just fit the whole thing in your mouth. Um. Interestingly, in ancient
Rome, both women and men remove their pubic hair. Oh really um yeah,
but grooming it is sort of like the you know everyone i'd Bush in
the seven control shaving by the control burn. What it was a controlled burn?
Yeah, just a little candle. Really, No, I was shaved.
I thought, like I thought it was pretty common to you for them
to use olive oil and salt to like rub their body. Yes, yeah,
yeah, um ay, but they do talk out like Harry Bush too.
I think. One fragment from the satirist Lucilius refers to um penetrating a
quote unquote Harry bag. And there is uh graffiti from POMPEII that says,
I don't know if this was in my Pompei episode that says a Harry kunt
is a is fucked much better than one which is smooth. It's steamy and
wants cock. Oh you know, holds in that steam. I think it's
still that in a pizza hut one time, a pizza at bathroom. Yeah,
yeah, probably. Uh. Also, the breasts of a woman,
we're supposed to be unobtrusive. Like I said earlier, Marshall makes fun of
big boobs. He makes fun of big titties. Old women who were stereotypically
ugly and undesirable in every way had big big tits. Uh in Roman plays.
Uh, when they wanted to portray an ugly woman, they gave her
huge tits. I gotta say so, not on my list of traveling back
anymore. It's gone at Rome right on. Do you have a nice beet
cup? Man? But here's the weird thing to me of all of this.
They were not fans of oral sex, really too sensual receiving it giving
it, all of it, all of it if you can. If you
engage in oral sex in any way, especially if you were sucking or licking,
you were garbit. It was probably better to get fucked in the ass.
That was the whole plot line in Soprano. That's the that is the
genesis of the entire plot of the series, in a way kind of junial
moment. Yeah, it's it starts the it's the first domino in a series
of dominoes. That is the series. Is Junior Soprano being called out for
going down on his girlfriend. Yeah, because they're like, oh, he
goes down on his girlfriend. He's whispering through the willows like it's just like
what and it's I guess this is about yeah, Like it's it is so
crazy that that because it's what gets Junior to be like I want to kill
Tony. Yeah, and that starts everything. The entirety of the Soprano conflict
basically comes from people finding out Junior goes down on his girlfriend and then they
make fun of him. I do think that's a thing though with our father's
generation, like they didn't go down. Our moms sad, weird, sad.
It was Yeah, so Essentially, people thought that we'll start with sucking
dick. That sucking dick caused bad breath and was nearly toxic. The breath
was don't suck that dick, it'll kill you. There's a line from some
comic verse that says horrors of the alleyways are contaminated from giving oral sex.
He says the foul saliva of a pisted over horror catalyst as a writer.
In another one of Marshall's writings, someone who sucks dick aflator as he called
it, breathes on a hot cake to cool it down. It's like blows
on it, you know, and the k immediately turns to human shit.
These are so weird, right, Like this one's what what is it?
It's so yeah, the asshole's fair play, but right, assholes as you
want, man, let's shove your dick into shit. Hey, it's totally
cool if you mutilate the genitals. Well, actually, now that makes sense.
If they're sucking dick after they shoved their fucking dick into an asshole,
it's probably not clean. There's nothing clean right going on at this. Yeah,
but you probably got shit breath. Oh everything sells like, by the
way, for sure, did you see that? No? What they figured
out like, they found an old Roman perfume bottle and they figured out what
was in it. They found one that was closed, Yeah, and it
was mostly peculi smelling. It smells like a head shop Roman sweet. Yeah,
of course they smelled like hippies. Yeah. Um, I'm obviously going
down on a woman. Uh made you, oh bitch? But we do
see some sixty ninety in Roman art, which I guess was chill um.
Interestingly, though, there is a painting in Pompeii that shows a quote unquote
like inferior guy going down on a very regal, powerful, powerful looking woman.
Probably this painting was meant to be like humorous and maybe a little like
erotic in a transgressive type of way, like so dirty, right, It
was a wanted poster this guy for doing this, This little goaty man keeps
look at pussy. There is some evidence that women could hire male prostitutes to
go down on them if their husbands wouldn't, and their husbands probably wouldn't.
There is again graffiti at Pompeii, I mean Pompei. People don't understand how
much we've learned from Pompei. It is literally a city frozen in time.
That's crazy, man, It's nuts. Like there was a guy mid crank
right frozen. What if he got done wrong? We mean like you got
frozen and his hand was just in a oh precarious place, dude, the
angle of his the angle of his knees. He was looking up at it.
He's cranking. I like, yeah, I think he was staring at
the flow, the ash flow, being like, I bet you what happened
once He's facing the other way and like he was just like, whoa what
was that? I don't know. I'm halfway through though. That could be
a too. Yeah. Just like a lot of people left Pompeii before the
eruption because the mountain was going fucking bananas. Yeah. The people that stayed
might have just been the weirdos. They were truthers. Yeah, so this
guy was just like dupe whatever, that's liberal bullshit. Or it's just like
the ski bumps that never leave the ski resort towns, right, It's like
most of the time during the summer, there's no one there except for those
folks. They could have just been the townies. Yeah, yeah, some
weirdo towny jerking off. Um. So there's yeah, there's graffitian Pompeii that
advertised his prices for male prostitutes when what they charged for conne lingus um and
it's in the same price range as female prostitutes who would perform filatio. However,
there is a theory that the graffiti because as we talked about in the
Pompei episode, it was like Twitter, the graffiti you talk shit with it,
and so that so satirical. There was always there was there's it's essentially
like it could be insults to the men named and not actual advertisements, or
like it could be your buddy who you just want to embarrass, or it
could be like a politician or like local tax collector who you hate. Oh,
it's like, oh, Jeff gives head for right twenty dollars. He's
like you put your buddy's phone number on a trucker trucker stall, like a
truck stop stall, and your call for a good ten Yeah, yeah,
yeah, that's that type of situation. Uh. One graffiti, uh said,
uh, well, it's in Latin for it was oh uh, he's
just says he's the best at linking kunt No, I'm saying in Latin vote
for a day. That's beautiful. Yeah. Uh. Accusing a man of
filating another man was arguably the worst insult in Rome. I bet yeah,
that was. They couldn't do anything worse than that. You can take it
in the ass, but the minute you suck that dick, well you can't
take you in the ass either. But it's like, man, it'd be
one thing if you know he fucked you. But and a lot of the
reason they thought it was gross as they're like this where pee comes out of,
but they still fucked butts. It's like don't, I don't, And
they fucked vaginas well. I can see how because where the p also comes
out of. The reason is your butt doesn't have teeth but have a but
your mouth does. So you shouldn't have done that. Yeah, you should
have fought it off. Well they did say. Part of it was,
um, you're dishonoring your mouth. That's where your persuasive speech comes from.
That's where you you know, your thoughts come about. Whatever, How can
I trust the words of this mouth they had a dick in it or eight
pussy? Yeah, pretty much yet um and then last but not least,
uh, getting your dick sucked was also seem seen as somewhat laughable because it
was a preference for older men who had trouble maintaining an erection. Oh,
like you can't keep it up. You have to want to do that for
you. Yeah, that's funny. So it was you were kind of a
book that is not tracked through time. No, no, yeah, that
didn't didn't hold up so for people who kind of think like you might hear
from time to time, Oh, the ancient world was a lot more sexually
progressive or anything like that, Like maybe for rich men, I guess,
but not even It was really really just full of even worse double standards rape,
uh and just insane arbitrary stuff like that you can't get your dick sucked.
Honestly, it sounds more vanilla in a weird way, in a weird
way. Yeah, it's just like a different flavor of pre Yeah. Really,
there's a lot of prudeness in this. It's just it's it's like it's
odd to say that it's prude to run through everything you own in your house.
But yeah, like it is in a way like they had arbitrary guidelines
that if you cross them, you were arguably more socially austrized certainly than you
are now. M maybe you know, but yeah now today, oh yeah,
certainly more. Yeah. It's it's weird because it's it's truly prude to
be like, oh you got your dude, I just castrated a fourteen year
old to be an adult and right, it's just really bizarre. It's not
any more progressive or enlightened. I don't think it. I think it's less.
Actually, it's kind of the backing your way the thing we were talking
about the other day, where you back your way into the justification of things.
Yeah, that was probably a lot of that. Yeah. Um,
but that's all I got for today on eight on again a not a not
exhaustive list of Roman sexuality facts. Um, but that's what I got.
Would you boys learned today? I learned the worst nickname of all time,
sphincter of a world leader. Yeah that is that. It's gotta be sphincter,
that's it. Yeah. But I learned about the worst fate of a
man by the name of Sporis. Granted he didn't meet that fate, was
cool. I learned what you'd do with a time machine, Well, I
would try to battle through. I'm a gambler at heart. I'm gonna always
bet the house on Sporis And well, if you kill yourself, you're out
of the game. So if you kind of go into the arena, you
go into the coliseum, and you back that ass up, you try to
survive. Here you're saying there's a chance. I think so right? Cool?
Who is Hitler? Rome always wrong? Ro It's honestly yeah, krth
it should have won those wars, just a nightmare. Anibal would have been
way cooler than Caesar, I think so. Yeah, fair enough. Well
for Jake Goldman and Dan Rochester. That's all I got today on ancient room
and sexuality. Go look into it more of yourself. It's wild. I'm
rob Hoox. You just got soft served kinda, so get your dick sucked
to keep it hard like an old man.