WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.440 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor 2 00:00:04.440 --> 00:00:08.439 Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor 3 00:00:08.439 --> 00:00:13.080 Wendy Walls Show. You're listening live either on KFI AM six forty or on 4 00:00:13.119 --> 00:00:18.440 the iHeartRadio app. Ah, you know I've told you before I met my 5 00:00:18.519 --> 00:00:23.079 man Julio on a dating app that one happened to be Bumble. Although you 6 00:00:23.199 --> 00:00:27.600 always ask me that question, don't you which dating app do you suggest, 7 00:00:27.719 --> 00:00:32.359 Doctor Wendy. I think all the dating apps are the same as all the 8 00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:36.679 nightclubs we all used to go too. It's the same people the cruise around 9 00:00:36.719 --> 00:00:41.119 all the different dating apps. They might change a few pictures in their profile, 10 00:00:41.280 --> 00:00:46.119 they may write some things differently, but it's not about the app. 11 00:00:46.960 --> 00:00:51.799 It's about the way you use it. For instance, years ago, I 12 00:00:51.840 --> 00:00:54.799 was coaching a young woman. She was an executive at a tech company, 13 00:00:55.200 --> 00:00:59.560 and I was helping her go through her Tinder. But she was in her 14 00:00:59.560 --> 00:01:03.280 early she was looking to get married and have a baby, and so I 15 00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:07.959 told her. Because Tinder has a little bit of a reputation now, the 16 00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:11.840 Tinder executives would tell me I'm wrong about this, but I'll just tell you 17 00:01:11.920 --> 00:01:15.040 because I know how our culture is. It has a bit of reputation for 18 00:01:15.159 --> 00:01:21.439 being a hook up app. Look think about it. Tinder evolved after its 19 00:01:21.519 --> 00:01:26.439 predecessor, Grinder, was so successful. You don't know what Grinder is. 20 00:01:26.799 --> 00:01:30.920 It's because you're not gay. Grinder was the very first dating app that had 21 00:01:30.000 --> 00:01:34.000 GPS in it, so you could literally find you know, lots of minority 22 00:01:34.040 --> 00:01:38.879 communities, either sexual minorities, ethnic minorities, religious minorities are just if you 23 00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:42.159 live in a really small town minority. They find each other on apps. 24 00:01:42.200 --> 00:01:48.159 That's why apps are so great, because you find somebody like you anyway. 25 00:01:48.200 --> 00:01:53.599 Grinder was the first app to be able to pinpoint where you were and pinpoint 26 00:01:53.640 --> 00:01:56.319 where the other person was, and you could find somebody and you could have 27 00:01:56.400 --> 00:02:01.159 joy and pleasure very quickly with that person. So Tinder became originally the heterosexual 28 00:02:01.200 --> 00:02:05.319 I think Tinder's got it all now they all have it all, but app 29 00:02:05.439 --> 00:02:09.159 for that. So it's got this reputation of being a meat for sex kind 30 00:02:09.159 --> 00:02:15.639 of app, even though they have worked very hard to not have that reputation, 31 00:02:15.719 --> 00:02:20.759 and lots of people have met and married but I digress. So because 32 00:02:20.800 --> 00:02:23.560 they had this reputation. I'm coaching this young woman and I said to her, 33 00:02:23.599 --> 00:02:28.520 listen, the very first text when you match with somebody should say, 34 00:02:29.240 --> 00:02:32.039 I know this app has a bit of a hook up reputation. Just want 35 00:02:32.039 --> 00:02:35.960 you to know from the outset that's not what I'm into, and that's not 36 00:02:36.000 --> 00:02:38.919 what I'm here for. I'm actually looking for a long term relationship. She's 37 00:02:38.919 --> 00:02:39.919 like, really, like, say it right there at the beginning, just 38 00:02:39.960 --> 00:02:44.439 like that, Yes, say it right from the beginning. Who you are 39 00:02:44.520 --> 00:02:49.599 and what you want is what you need to say. Now. I know 40 00:02:49.719 --> 00:02:52.520 I hear you. I hear what you're saying, but I don't know what 41 00:02:52.639 --> 00:02:53.960 I want. I don't know if I'm ready. I just kind of want 42 00:02:53.960 --> 00:02:58.639 to see what's out there. Okay, then you're going to get the riff 43 00:02:58.719 --> 00:03:01.840 raff that's out there walking through your bedroom. Okay, that's what's going to 44 00:03:01.919 --> 00:03:07.520 happen because you aren't clear with yourself why you're on those apps and what you 45 00:03:07.560 --> 00:03:13.599 want. So I want to go through the five steps to finding love on 46 00:03:13.639 --> 00:03:19.000 a dating app. I know it works because I followed these steps exactly. 47 00:03:19.560 --> 00:03:22.599 You don't think I do what I do, just so that you can have 48 00:03:22.639 --> 00:03:24.800 a better life and better relationships. Oh no, no, no, no. 49 00:03:25.479 --> 00:03:30.520 Like every psychology student, mostly they're taking courses to fix themselves. And 50 00:03:30.680 --> 00:03:34.719 mostly I tell you this so that I can stay on track. I can 51 00:03:34.759 --> 00:03:37.520 listen to my own advice. I could stick to it, and I did 52 00:03:37.919 --> 00:03:42.400 and it worked. Okay, so let's start. You open up that app, 53 00:03:42.879 --> 00:03:46.319 you make that profile. Here's we could do many, many, many 54 00:03:46.319 --> 00:03:50.400 segments about what to put in your profile and what not to put in your 55 00:03:50.400 --> 00:03:53.360 profile. I will just say this, if you're over forty, keep your 56 00:03:53.400 --> 00:03:54.919 shirt on. All right, I'm done with this. All right. You 57 00:03:54.960 --> 00:03:59.360 can have form fitting clothes and do a full length shot and they know that 58 00:03:59.400 --> 00:04:02.639 you're basically fit. But remember when people are swiping plenty of no matter what 59 00:04:02.759 --> 00:04:08.919 gender, they're swiping a wide range often a wide range of ages. So 60 00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:12.400 they might swipe a twenty five year old and next is the forty five year 61 00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:15.800 old. Now you might be the hottest forty five year old out there with 62 00:04:15.840 --> 00:04:19.600 your shirt off, sir or madam. But if you show up in their 63 00:04:19.639 --> 00:04:25.319 feed immediately after a twenty five year old who's filled with human growth hormones, 64 00:04:25.639 --> 00:04:28.800 you don't have so many of those anymore, then you're gonna look terrible. 65 00:04:28.920 --> 00:04:32.079 Okay, So I'm just saying, just look a little like hold it in, 66 00:04:32.199 --> 00:04:34.639 okay, just a little bit, keep it back, all right. 67 00:04:34.759 --> 00:04:42.040 So some of the rules are about profiles. Women, you should have at 68 00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:44.879 least one full body shot. When I say full body, have some clothes 69 00:04:44.920 --> 00:04:48.360 on. Secondly, you should have a headshot. But guys don't like all 70 00:04:48.399 --> 00:04:53.199 the filters and all the makeup and the lashes. You can do one beauty 71 00:04:53.199 --> 00:04:57.639 shot like that, but do something natural with natural light, out hiking, 72 00:04:57.759 --> 00:05:00.959 no makeup. Whatever. They want to see who you really are, you 73 00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:02.800 know what. I went on a bunch of dates before I met Julio a 74 00:05:02.800 --> 00:05:06.680 few years ago, and I remember one guy saying that his theory is this, 75 00:05:06.800 --> 00:05:12.720 he goes, you go through someone's profile and you find the most unattractive 76 00:05:12.879 --> 00:05:16.920 picture of them in their profile. Now, they still chose to put it 77 00:05:17.000 --> 00:05:23.439 up there. So he said you should only look at that most unattractive picture. 78 00:05:25.040 --> 00:05:27.560 Do you know why, because he said, that's actually what they look 79 00:05:27.600 --> 00:05:30.600 like. Okay, they put it up there they believe it's reflective of them, 80 00:05:30.000 --> 00:05:33.120 and so that's all you should expect to be meeting, not all those 81 00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:36.800 other ones. Guys, as far as you can, you get off the 82 00:05:36.839 --> 00:05:41.720 baseball hat and the sunglasses. We know you're balding. It's okay. We 83 00:05:41.839 --> 00:05:46.000 love bald men means bigger brains, right, So there's no reason to hide 84 00:05:46.079 --> 00:05:49.439 under a hat in every single picture and sunglasses. Really, who are you 85 00:05:49.519 --> 00:05:53.879 hiding from? Are you a movie star? I don't get it, so 86 00:05:54.040 --> 00:05:56.639 anyway, I just want to say that. And also, guys, show 87 00:05:56.680 --> 00:06:00.360 some teeth. You're stern. I know it's hard for you to smile. 88 00:06:00.480 --> 00:06:04.879 Guys don't smile very much. I also know that many guys take pictures alone 89 00:06:05.279 --> 00:06:09.319 in their bathroom mirror. I know you, I see you out there. 90 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:12.639 Do you not have a friend who can take a picture of you? I 91 00:06:12.800 --> 00:06:15.920 mean it could be your sister, because you really look like a lone wolf 92 00:06:15.959 --> 00:06:17.720 to us when you're all alone in your bathroom mirror. And those are all 93 00:06:17.759 --> 00:06:21.399 your pictures. Okay, so get some pictures taken. I will say that 94 00:06:23.040 --> 00:06:26.920 Julio did something really right. I always tell men to do this. Look. 95 00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:29.079 You may not be rich, but you want to make sure you look 96 00:06:29.160 --> 00:06:31.279 high class and rich. I don't care where you live, what zip coach 97 00:06:31.279 --> 00:06:35.680 you're in. Go find some classic doric columns somewhere in some classical building. 98 00:06:35.879 --> 00:06:39.279 You can find them at museums, you can find them at usc you can 99 00:06:39.319 --> 00:06:42.519 find them at the Huntington Library. And Hulio had one of those who was 100 00:06:42.560 --> 00:06:45.480 standing on the steps with these giant Roman columns behind him, and I was 101 00:06:45.480 --> 00:06:48.240 like, ooh. He was at Cornell University on a visit, of course, 102 00:06:48.839 --> 00:06:53.439 and he did have people take pictures of him. And I liked to 103 00:06:53.519 --> 00:06:55.600 shoes and it was a full length shot, but I you know how you 104 00:06:55.639 --> 00:06:57.480 pinch with your fingers in a zoom, right, and I'm like, oh, 105 00:06:57.480 --> 00:07:00.680 those are good shoes. Right. Listen, Jen woman. You may 106 00:07:00.879 --> 00:07:05.439 think that we are only looking at you, but we are studying the background 107 00:07:05.560 --> 00:07:09.399 as much as we are studying you. We are looking at that lamp behind 108 00:07:09.480 --> 00:07:14.199 you and trying to decide if it's from restoration hardware or IKEA. Okay, 109 00:07:14.319 --> 00:07:16.439 so you have to think about everything going on in the picture. But I 110 00:07:16.639 --> 00:07:20.759 digress. How do you actually use the apps? There's all kinds of advice 111 00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:25.279 you can get on profile building. When we come back, I want to 112 00:07:25.319 --> 00:07:32.519 give you the six steps to going from first match to the what are we 113 00:07:32.800 --> 00:07:36.839 conversation? When we come back, you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls 114 00:07:36.920 --> 00:07:42.160 Show on kf I AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 115 00:07:43.360 --> 00:07:48.199 You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am six forty. 116 00:07:49.079 --> 00:07:54.160 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty and 117 00:07:54.319 --> 00:07:58.800 live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Remember you can follow me anywhere on my 118 00:07:58.879 --> 00:08:03.639 social media. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, 119 00:08:03.639 --> 00:08:07.680 wherever you like to get your videos. I am there a reminder to 120 00:08:07.720 --> 00:08:13.920 everybody. I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor at 121 00:08:13.959 --> 00:08:18.519 cal State Channel Islands. I've written three books on relationships into my dissertation on 122 00:08:18.560 --> 00:08:22.360 attachment Style, because I am really obsessed with the science of love. But 123 00:08:22.399 --> 00:08:24.680 I also love to share my experience, and many of you who have been 124 00:08:24.720 --> 00:08:28.120 following me for a long time know that at the beginning of the pandemic, 125 00:08:28.360 --> 00:08:33.919 when we were all lonely, I was cloistered in my home with two young 126 00:08:33.960 --> 00:08:41.440 adult daughter teenager, young adultish who basically rolled their eyes anytime I breathed, 127 00:08:41.919 --> 00:08:46.399 and so after dinner I'd go into my bedroom to see what was remember Tiger 128 00:08:46.480 --> 00:08:50.840 King, what was streaming. I'd pour myself a glass of wine and I 129 00:08:50.840 --> 00:08:52.120 said, you know what, you can't be doing this way. You gotta 130 00:08:52.200 --> 00:08:56.639 get this done. So I went on the dating apps. I should tell 131 00:08:56.679 --> 00:09:01.000 you that because it was at the beginning of pandemic pre vaccines, I got 132 00:09:01.039 --> 00:09:09.840 to use as a litmus test my carefulness around COVID exposure. In other words, 133 00:09:09.879 --> 00:09:11.559 I would say to guys, if you want to meet me in the 134 00:09:11.600 --> 00:09:15.799 real world, it's got to be We can do FaceTime dates, whatever, 135 00:09:15.919 --> 00:09:18.480 zoom dates, we can talk on the phone, but if you want to 136 00:09:18.480 --> 00:09:22.840 meet in the real world, it's got to be outside social distancing at least 137 00:09:22.840 --> 00:09:26.399 six feet preferably with a lot of wind blowing and masks on. And you 138 00:09:26.399 --> 00:09:28.759 know, there are a lot of guys who wouldn't do that, and so 139 00:09:28.799 --> 00:09:31.919 it was great. I got to go, Okay, you're not for me, 140 00:09:31.120 --> 00:09:35.679 moving on, But anyway, whether you're in a pandemic or not, 141 00:09:35.120 --> 00:09:41.919 here are the six steps to going from that first match on a dating app 142 00:09:41.440 --> 00:09:46.159 to the what are we now? Conversation? According to me, I made 143 00:09:46.200 --> 00:09:48.799 this up because I did it and it worked, So just do what I 144 00:09:48.840 --> 00:09:52.960 did okay. Number one. All humans suffer from something called a paradox of 145 00:09:54.080 --> 00:09:58.120 choice. When you have too much choice, you are less likely to commit 146 00:09:58.159 --> 00:10:01.120 to one of those choice, And when you do commit to one of those 147 00:10:01.200 --> 00:10:05.320 choices, you are less likely to value that person because you're always thinking about 148 00:10:05.360 --> 00:10:11.120 the bigger, better deal that got away. So dating apps aren't actually designed 149 00:10:11.440 --> 00:10:13.720 to help you find love. They are designed to get you addicted to the 150 00:10:13.720 --> 00:10:20.639 app, and they use paradox of choice. So how do you hack the 151 00:10:20.720 --> 00:10:24.360 bio hacking of the dating app? You only match with two people at once. 152 00:10:24.840 --> 00:10:30.399 Now there are people on their dating apps who may be messaging five or 153 00:10:30.559 --> 00:10:35.080 ten or even twenty people all at once. How do you even remember their 154 00:10:35.120 --> 00:10:39.799 stories? How do you remember anything? Don't do that. Don't go as 155 00:10:39.799 --> 00:10:41.919 we say, don't go back to the deck. It's like a deck of 156 00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:45.720 cards. You're swiping right. Don't go back to the deck until you have 157 00:10:45.759 --> 00:10:50.320 two people and you've assessed at least one and gotten rid of them. And 158 00:10:50.360 --> 00:10:52.360 I'll tell you how to get rid of them too, in a polite, 159 00:10:52.399 --> 00:10:56.639 nice way, in a minute. So you got two people in your message 160 00:10:56.639 --> 00:10:58.360 box, ladies, I just want to tell you this other thing. So 161 00:10:58.440 --> 00:11:03.320 men and women use dating apps very differently. When women use a dating app, 162 00:11:03.720 --> 00:11:07.960 they pause, they read the words very carefully that you, gentlemen wrote 163 00:11:09.240 --> 00:11:11.440 hint? Are you listening? Guys? If you don't put words in your 164 00:11:11.440 --> 00:11:15.639 profile, we just swipe away. I don't care if there's just a picture 165 00:11:15.679 --> 00:11:18.000 there. I don't care who you are. I know I need to hear 166 00:11:18.080 --> 00:11:22.320 you, I need to feel you. I need to read your words. 167 00:11:22.559 --> 00:11:24.600 Okay, so you got to write something. So we scrutinize the words. 168 00:11:24.799 --> 00:11:28.000 We try to think what does he mean by that? What is he implying 169 00:11:28.120 --> 00:11:31.960 by that? We scrutinize the pictures. We wonder who took it, where 170 00:11:31.960 --> 00:11:35.360 he was, how many years old it is, what room of the house 171 00:11:35.399 --> 00:11:37.080 it's in, Does he own that thing in the background. We look at 172 00:11:37.120 --> 00:11:43.879 everything and ask those questions. So what men do? Unfortunately, and there's 173 00:11:43.879 --> 00:11:48.960 all kinds of research to support this, men are less choosy when it comes 174 00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:52.519 to relationship partners than women are. Women are more selective. Look sex is 175 00:11:52.559 --> 00:11:56.440 a higher risk cobby for women than it is for men. We have more 176 00:11:56.559 --> 00:12:03.080 chance of catching an stright because of our unique biology, we have more chance 177 00:12:03.120 --> 00:12:07.440 of accidentally falling in love with you. Because our bodies emit so much oxytocin, 178 00:12:07.480 --> 00:12:11.559 the bonding hormone, we also are more likely to catch an eighteen year 179 00:12:11.559 --> 00:12:18.039 case of parenthood. So okay, we have evolved as women to be more 180 00:12:18.159 --> 00:12:22.039 choosy now because men are less choosy. Here's what happens. They basically swipe 181 00:12:22.120 --> 00:12:28.120 right on every single woman they see. I mean, unless you look like 182 00:12:28.200 --> 00:12:31.679 you just got off your broom and you are a witch and they're scared you're 183 00:12:31.679 --> 00:12:37.159 gonna cast a spell on them. Otherwise, they just swipe on everybody. 184 00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:41.480 So when women first get on the app and they do all their close scrutinizing 185 00:12:41.759 --> 00:12:43.519 and they find that kind of one that they think, oh, this could 186 00:12:43.519 --> 00:12:46.440 be a really good match. Oh my god, he's good looking and I 187 00:12:46.519 --> 00:12:52.080 love everything in his profile, and then they click swipe right, and all 188 00:12:52.080 --> 00:12:54.279 of a sudden, the app goes, yeay, you're a match. And 189 00:12:54.279 --> 00:12:56.679 then women go, oh my god, oh my god, this one that 190 00:12:56.720 --> 00:13:01.559 I was so into, I'm a match. And then twenty five guys later, 191 00:13:01.720 --> 00:13:05.279 she sees another one who could be he could have potential to me. 192 00:13:05.320 --> 00:13:07.440 I should just see I could to kind a match with him. See if 193 00:13:07.440 --> 00:13:09.840 I swipe right there, and then boom, it's a match. Some of 194 00:13:09.840 --> 00:13:13.440 them have like fireworks that go off and stars that fly, and the girls 195 00:13:13.440 --> 00:13:18.960 are like, oh my god, I'm killing it on this app. No, 196 00:13:18.120 --> 00:13:22.720 you're not. Every man on the app has already matched with you and 197 00:13:22.759 --> 00:13:26.039 they are waiting for you to try to match with them. Okay, you're 198 00:13:26.039 --> 00:13:30.279 not killing it on the app. It's just that men and women use the 199 00:13:30.279 --> 00:13:35.600 apps differently. That's something that everybody should understand. Okay, so get your 200 00:13:35.639 --> 00:13:39.360 first two matches, people of all genders, and send a couple texts. 201 00:13:39.440 --> 00:13:43.879 Now here's one of the problems with Bumble. For instance, the women have 202 00:13:43.039 --> 00:13:48.240 to talk first. Otherwise the match expires in twenty four hours, so you 203 00:13:48.320 --> 00:13:52.039 got twenty four hours to say something. But it defies mother nature because as 204 00:13:52.039 --> 00:13:56.159 far as I know, sperm chases egg and not the reverse. So if 205 00:13:56.200 --> 00:14:01.000 women are out there talking first, you already get devalued in men's eyes. 206 00:14:01.080 --> 00:14:05.240 I'm sorry. I know it sounds like patriarchy and all that, but it's 207 00:14:05.279 --> 00:14:09.919 evolutionary psychology and I have read the research on this. So ladies, I'll 208 00:14:09.960 --> 00:14:13.720 tell you there's one word you can say on Bumble as your first little chat, 209 00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:16.759 and I used it all the time. It's a winning word. It's 210 00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:22.559 amazing how it gets a response immediately from guys. The word is high and 211 00:14:22.720 --> 00:14:26.639 that is it. That's all you're allowed to put. Okay, if he's 212 00:14:26.679 --> 00:14:28.519 into you, he's going to write back then. I also heard this is 213 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:33.200 other technique that women are using is when they're on Bumble, they let the 214 00:14:33.360 --> 00:14:39.080 match expire and see if he rematches because he gets a little note going, 215 00:14:39.519 --> 00:14:41.799 she didn't talk to you, it's been twenty four hours. Do you want 216 00:14:41.799 --> 00:14:45.639 to try to rematch with her? Okay? I didn't even know Bumble work 217 00:14:45.759 --> 00:14:48.799 this way, but apparently Julio tried to rematch with me like five times over 218 00:14:48.840 --> 00:14:52.360 a two week period, but I hadn't been on the app, so by 219 00:14:52.399 --> 00:14:54.679 the time I said something to him, he was like, oh my god, 220 00:14:54.039 --> 00:14:58.960 you're there. It's like I built up that sense of anticipation without even 221 00:15:00.080 --> 00:15:01.919 knowing it. Well, imagine if you could kind of manipulate it and make 222 00:15:01.960 --> 00:15:07.080 that happen. All right, So match with only two people at once. 223 00:15:07.320 --> 00:15:13.159 Number two, get on the phone fast, exchange two or three texts, 224 00:15:13.639 --> 00:15:18.519 and then give up your phone number. When we come back, I'm going 225 00:15:18.600 --> 00:15:22.000 to tell you how to give up your phone number, how to keep yourself 226 00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:26.000 safe, and after that phone call, how to get rid of them. 227 00:15:26.519 --> 00:15:30.080 You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I Am six forty. 228 00:15:30.080 --> 00:15:35.279 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 229 00:15:35.320 --> 00:15:39.600 on demand from kf I AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy 230 00:15:39.600 --> 00:15:43.960 Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. 231 00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:46.120 I want to say something about the iHeartRadio app. You know, there 232 00:15:46.120 --> 00:15:50.519 are many cars right now that don't even have AM radio. I happen to 233 00:15:50.559 --> 00:15:54.320 have one, and so I listen to everything on Bluetooth streaming through my car. 234 00:15:54.639 --> 00:15:58.600 So I just listen to the iHeartRadio app, and I choose the music 235 00:15:58.639 --> 00:16:02.279 I want and everything I want. But I'm telling you this because you can 236 00:16:02.399 --> 00:16:06.360 always listen to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand on the app. So if you've 237 00:16:06.360 --> 00:16:10.120 missed a portion of a show, if you've missed past shows, if you're 238 00:16:10.159 --> 00:16:12.879 doing a big drive up the five for five or ten hours, you could 239 00:16:12.919 --> 00:16:17.240 just listen to doctor Wendy Walsh all day long. Oh god, that's creepy. 240 00:16:17.360 --> 00:16:18.480 Just the thought of it. You know one of the guys in my 241 00:16:18.519 --> 00:16:22.960 Patreon zoom room who's been a loyal follower for years. I think he found 242 00:16:23.000 --> 00:16:26.600 me through my podcast Mating Matters. He's in Australia and he's like a big 243 00:16:26.639 --> 00:16:34.120 tech executive and he finally admitted that he um, he became a fan because 244 00:16:34.159 --> 00:16:41.600 he used my podcasts to fall asleep at night. I know that's what I 245 00:16:41.679 --> 00:16:45.039 said. He said, there's something soothing about your voice. Here, I'll 246 00:16:45.039 --> 00:16:49.279 do the voice. So now you're getting sleepy, you're falling asleep, and 247 00:16:49.679 --> 00:16:52.080 if you're driving, to stop right now. We want them to listen. 248 00:16:52.120 --> 00:16:56.639 Doctors that funny. I get what he means, though, you do have 249 00:16:56.720 --> 00:17:00.320 a very calming voice. He's falling asleep to my fight, he goes he 250 00:17:00.320 --> 00:17:02.799 would just pick up where he fell asleep last time and go back and listen 251 00:17:02.840 --> 00:17:04.559 to the rest of the pod. Anyway, I am talking about the six 252 00:17:04.559 --> 00:17:07.880 steps to finding love on a dating app. I mentioned only sending a few 253 00:17:07.920 --> 00:17:11.880 texts and then getting on the phone fast. Look, you don't want to 254 00:17:11.960 --> 00:17:15.400 date somebody who can't give good phone do you. And also my experience I 255 00:17:15.480 --> 00:17:21.240 remember this is all from experience, is that if you meet somebody and they 256 00:17:21.240 --> 00:17:22.759 won't get on the phone. They just want to text with you and get 257 00:17:22.759 --> 00:17:26.759 you into the real world. They're hiding something. They're hiding something. They're 258 00:17:26.920 --> 00:17:33.079 poor social skills, their ability to an inability to connect with you emotionally or 259 00:17:33.119 --> 00:17:37.920 be funny, all kinds of things that they could have going on. So 260 00:17:37.960 --> 00:17:40.440 they want to just get you in the real world to try to convince you 261 00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:45.279 there that they're a good person. But somebody who's smart gets on the phone. 262 00:17:45.319 --> 00:17:48.440 If they won't get on the phone, don't meet him for coffee. 263 00:17:48.519 --> 00:17:52.680 Okay, now you've had the phone call and you've realized, you know what, 264 00:17:53.440 --> 00:17:57.039 we might not be a match here. Please do not ghost them. 265 00:17:57.079 --> 00:18:00.079 That's a real human And you know what, if you're searching in your zip 266 00:18:00.079 --> 00:18:03.079 code or even in your city, you're going to run into them somewhere a 267 00:18:03.079 --> 00:18:07.960 farmer's market, at the beach, a business god prop, a business meeting. 268 00:18:08.319 --> 00:18:12.119 Right, They're human in your world, in your community, in your 269 00:18:12.160 --> 00:18:17.119 age group. I hope it's age appropriate, but anyway, so all you 270 00:18:17.160 --> 00:18:19.880 need to do is compose a nice little text mine, I cut and paste 271 00:18:19.880 --> 00:18:23.039 it. I'd add something personalized at the top, like, hey, it 272 00:18:23.160 --> 00:18:27.079 was great chatting with you. Good luck at your daughter's wedding next week. 273 00:18:27.119 --> 00:18:32.559 It sounds like it's gonna be fun. I don't think romance is in the 274 00:18:32.599 --> 00:18:34.799 cards for us, but I promised to keep you in mind for a friend. 275 00:18:36.599 --> 00:18:40.319 Listen. Nobody wrote me back and yelled at me. Some of them 276 00:18:40.720 --> 00:18:42.680 didn't write at all after that text. Some of them wrote, hey, 277 00:18:44.200 --> 00:18:45.559 thanks for not ghost in, or thanks, yeah, I'll keep you in 278 00:18:45.599 --> 00:18:49.519 mind too, whatever, like just sweet, nice conversation. One guy, 279 00:18:49.640 --> 00:18:55.200 an English guy, actually wrote back and said, you know what, just 280 00:18:55.359 --> 00:18:57.880 that phone conversation was enough for me to get my mojo back. If I 281 00:18:57.880 --> 00:19:00.200 could have a woman like you to talk to me, I can get anybody. 282 00:19:00.440 --> 00:19:03.960 I was like what he was, just like, so impressed with my 283 00:19:04.039 --> 00:19:07.920 phone. I guess I give good phone. Yeah, I give good radio. 284 00:19:07.000 --> 00:19:11.160 So get a phone anyway. Okay, so you get rid of them 285 00:19:11.200 --> 00:19:15.720 now. I want you to remember that finding love is a process of elimination. 286 00:19:15.200 --> 00:19:18.359 It's about saying no to many, many, many, many, many 287 00:19:18.400 --> 00:19:22.960 inappropriate people until the right one is standing right in front of you. Okay, 288 00:19:23.119 --> 00:19:26.279 so get rid of them. If it's not clicking right away, all 289 00:19:26.359 --> 00:19:30.279 right. If they did give good phone, then you're gonna meet for a 290 00:19:30.279 --> 00:19:34.039 coffee, all right. You're gonna take a few days after that phone call 291 00:19:34.160 --> 00:19:37.000 and then genderly meet out and say hey, you want to reach out and 292 00:19:37.039 --> 00:19:40.920 just say hey, do you want to grab a coffee somewhere? Always act 293 00:19:41.079 --> 00:19:44.119 very busy and happy, busy and happy people of all genders. Hey, 294 00:19:44.119 --> 00:19:45.559 I have a few minutes in between two things. I'll be on this part 295 00:19:45.559 --> 00:19:48.799 of town. Maybe we can meet. Make it quick, because that way 296 00:19:48.839 --> 00:19:52.640 you can make a quick getaway if you want. Now, here's the thing. 297 00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:56.400 You always have to leave them wanting more. If you go on a 298 00:19:56.480 --> 00:20:00.039 twenty to thirty minute coffee date and you allow yourself to stretch it into a 299 00:20:00.160 --> 00:20:03.400 lunch in an afternoon movie, you've lost. You've lost the meet in game, 300 00:20:03.599 --> 00:20:07.119 all right. You've got to get out of there, leave them wanting 301 00:20:07.319 --> 00:20:11.160 more. Now, if you've done the phone call and they've passed, if 302 00:20:11.200 --> 00:20:15.559 you've done the coffee date, now is the time you're going to have your 303 00:20:15.559 --> 00:20:19.240 first date. Basically, the third meeting. The first meetings on the phone, 304 00:20:19.480 --> 00:20:22.160 the second meetings in coffee. The third meeting is your first date. 305 00:20:22.519 --> 00:20:25.880 That's when you can get dressed up and go somewhere or do something interesting. 306 00:20:25.920 --> 00:20:29.960 You found what things you like in common, for instance. Right, so 307 00:20:30.119 --> 00:20:34.079 that's when you have your first date. All right, I'm on number five 308 00:20:34.119 --> 00:20:37.279 already, number one match with only two people at once. Write this down 309 00:20:37.480 --> 00:20:41.160 number two, get on the phone fast number three, send a no thank 310 00:20:41.200 --> 00:20:45.559 you text, or meet for coffee. Number four. First date comes after 311 00:20:45.640 --> 00:20:49.000 coffee number five. And this is the big one. Now you're going on 312 00:20:49.039 --> 00:20:55.119 a few dates and you like this person. Have the sexual exclusivity conversation before 313 00:20:55.240 --> 00:20:57.960 you have sex. Once the barn doors open, it's too late, folks. 314 00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:00.759 Hopefully you're not as big a barn door. Just saying, but anyway, 315 00:21:02.000 --> 00:21:07.519 have the sexual exclusivity conversation before. And here's how the conversation should go. 316 00:21:07.400 --> 00:21:11.880 So I'm really into you, I'm really attracted to you. I love 317 00:21:11.880 --> 00:21:15.359 how this is going. We don't know what the future is going to be 318 00:21:15.400 --> 00:21:19.559 for us. We're still just checking each other out. We're evaluating. But 319 00:21:21.519 --> 00:21:25.039 i'd like to have sex with you, and if I do, I'd like 320 00:21:25.079 --> 00:21:27.960 to know that I'm the only person you're sleeping with. Be brave. It's 321 00:21:29.039 --> 00:21:30.359 usually women who say this, by the way, men don't say it. 322 00:21:30.680 --> 00:21:36.640 But be brave and say it and if they now, I know what you're 323 00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:37.799 going to say because you say it to me online all the time. But 324 00:21:37.880 --> 00:21:41.359 they lie. They say they are but they're not. Like then you are 325 00:21:41.400 --> 00:21:45.759 having sex with somebody who don't trust. You need to listen to your stomach 326 00:21:45.799 --> 00:21:51.559 and ask yourself do you trust this person? Okay? Then you continue having 327 00:21:51.599 --> 00:21:55.200 dates, you continue having sex all great, protect use protection, folks, 328 00:21:55.680 --> 00:22:00.960 and then you have the what are we conversation? When do you have that? 329 00:22:00.720 --> 00:22:06.359 Well? Research shows that men tend to fall in love first, women 330 00:22:06.440 --> 00:22:11.640 tend to say I love you first, and it's usually somewhere between three and 331 00:22:11.759 --> 00:22:15.000 six months. For me. With my Julio, I said it first, 332 00:22:15.039 --> 00:22:18.319 and it happened at a gas station. He thought it was terribly unromantic. 333 00:22:18.599 --> 00:22:21.480 But what happened is we were on a very long car trip. He had 334 00:22:21.480 --> 00:22:25.319 done so many nice things for me in the days before, and we stopped 335 00:22:25.319 --> 00:22:29.279 for gas. I was driving. I was driving at that point because we're 336 00:22:29.279 --> 00:22:33.599 switching off, and he jumped out of the passenger seat and started pumping the 337 00:22:33.640 --> 00:22:36.279 gas, even with his own credit card. It was my trip because I 338 00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:40.160 needed him to come with me on something I was doing. Anyway, I'd 339 00:22:40.200 --> 00:22:42.279 never had a man pump gas for me before. Can you believe that? 340 00:22:42.880 --> 00:22:48.039 Can you believe? I was raised with all brothers where we were all independent, 341 00:22:48.359 --> 00:22:52.799 you know, it was just like every man for himself. And I 342 00:22:52.920 --> 00:22:56.279 looked I was just like And he came around to the driver's side door while 343 00:22:56.279 --> 00:23:00.160 the gas was pumping, and he opened the door to lean in to give 344 00:23:00.160 --> 00:23:03.039 me a kiss, and he gave me a kiss, and I just out 345 00:23:03.039 --> 00:23:07.559 of nowhere, said I love you. And he said, at a gas 346 00:23:07.599 --> 00:23:12.680 station. Really, this is how unromantic are you? I cannot believe the 347 00:23:12.720 --> 00:23:15.759 first time you say it, it's at a gas station. But I knew 348 00:23:15.799 --> 00:23:19.599 he already felt it. He already felt it. You gotta be brave. 349 00:23:21.000 --> 00:23:26.319 You gotta have the what are we conversation? All right when we come back? 350 00:23:26.039 --> 00:23:33.319 Why slow love works? Why slowing things down in a new relationship can 351 00:23:33.480 --> 00:23:37.400 really work to create long term love. You are listening to The Doctor Wendy 352 00:23:37.400 --> 00:23:41.720 Walls Show and kf I Am six forty We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio album. 353 00:23:42.000 --> 00:23:48.279 You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am six forty. 354 00:23:48.559 --> 00:23:52.319 Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I am six forty. 355 00:23:52.359 --> 00:23:56.279 We are in the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. If 356 00:23:56.279 --> 00:23:59.880 you've been with me for three hours, good for you. I'm so happy 357 00:24:00.160 --> 00:24:02.279 been here. If you missed any part of the show, remember you can 358 00:24:02.319 --> 00:24:04.599 always go to the iHeartRadio app and you can listen to it. It will 359 00:24:04.640 --> 00:24:11.240 be up there. I want to talk about slow love. It's an idea 360 00:24:11.359 --> 00:24:14.440 that I proposed years ago. I think when my book came out, The 361 00:24:14.480 --> 00:24:18.839 Thirty Day Love Detox, it was really a book about slow love, and 362 00:24:18.079 --> 00:24:25.480 really it's something that I recommend to many people who are looking for long term 363 00:24:25.519 --> 00:24:29.519 attachments. Again, no judgment. If you want to have a short term 364 00:24:29.519 --> 00:24:33.000 relationship because you want pleasure, or you want to get your mojo back, 365 00:24:33.119 --> 00:24:34.960 or you want to get back at somebody. I don't know many reasons why 366 00:24:36.000 --> 00:24:40.240 you might want a short term relationship, there's no judgment. But we do 367 00:24:40.319 --> 00:24:45.480 know that long term, committed people live longer, have better health, mental 368 00:24:45.519 --> 00:24:48.319 and physical health, and even accumulate more wealth. I mean, those divorced 369 00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:53.319 lawyers are pretty expensive. So I'm a big proponent of taking your time. 370 00:24:55.039 --> 00:24:57.720 You know what Diana Ross says, can't hurry love right. You want to 371 00:24:57.799 --> 00:25:04.680 slow down, and so I recommend again only if you're looking for long term, 372 00:25:04.720 --> 00:25:11.079 committed relationship, that you delay the onset of first sex in a new 373 00:25:11.119 --> 00:25:18.839 relationship. Now I think it was almost three months into my current relationship that 374 00:25:18.079 --> 00:25:22.400 we had sex for the first time. It's not that we didn't have affection. 375 00:25:22.920 --> 00:25:26.599 We were kissing and holding hands and touching and whatever, and ask for 376 00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:30.480 permission to do everything. Lots of consent there. But by the time we 377 00:25:30.559 --> 00:25:37.279 got there, we knew each other so well we'd built this intimacy. Now. 378 00:25:37.519 --> 00:25:41.000 I've also had a long life of all kinds of relationships, including see 379 00:25:41.000 --> 00:25:45.039 we used to call them one night stands. Isn't that quaint? But now 380 00:25:45.079 --> 00:25:48.400 they're called hook ups? What else do they call? Kayla? Do they 381 00:25:48.400 --> 00:25:55.720 have names when there's a quickie, A sneaky side guy? Yeah, yeah, 382 00:25:55.759 --> 00:25:59.839 I think you got them covered. Okay, nothing wrong with that. 383 00:26:00.519 --> 00:26:06.559 But it's very, very difficult to convert a short term relationship into a long 384 00:26:06.680 --> 00:26:11.680 term relationship, and sometimes that's what people hope to do, because once they 385 00:26:11.680 --> 00:26:15.839 get into it, they realize they really like this person. They forgot to 386 00:26:15.839 --> 00:26:18.759 fall in love in the first place, and now their brain is being assaulted 387 00:26:19.079 --> 00:26:22.559 with a cocktail of neural hormones that feels so delicious. Maybe they think they're 388 00:26:22.599 --> 00:26:29.240 in love, but I don't know. Here's why slowing things down matters for 389 00:26:29.319 --> 00:26:33.640 women. It helps prevent what's known as the oxytocin effect. So men and 390 00:26:33.680 --> 00:26:40.000 women when they have sex, both release this neuro hormone called oxytocin in large 391 00:26:40.000 --> 00:26:44.720 amounts, and oxytocin is a it's often known as the bonding hormone. Like 392 00:26:44.799 --> 00:26:48.599 the other time in a woman's life where her body emits so much oxytocin is 393 00:26:48.599 --> 00:26:53.039 when she's breastfeeding to help her bond with her child. Okay, now here's 394 00:26:53.039 --> 00:26:59.200 the problem with the oxytocin effect. You start to fall in love with whoever 395 00:26:59.240 --> 00:27:03.519 you're having sex with over and over again. So you might be thinking that 396 00:27:03.559 --> 00:27:07.759 this is sports sex. You might be thinking this is just a hookup, 397 00:27:07.160 --> 00:27:11.640 but you start to catch feelings. Why is this a problem for women. 398 00:27:12.359 --> 00:27:15.640 Well, men, although they do have a lot of oxytocin when they have 399 00:27:15.680 --> 00:27:22.319 sex, the response or the result, the impact of that oxytocin is trumped 400 00:27:22.319 --> 00:27:26.640 by a huge amount of testosterone. Right, So the testosterone blunts the effect 401 00:27:27.039 --> 00:27:33.039 of the oxytocin, and men tend to not fall in love through sex. 402 00:27:33.119 --> 00:27:37.960 So what ends up happening is two people will start having a situation ship. 403 00:27:38.240 --> 00:27:41.960 You know, a situation ship isn't means they're in a situation where they're meeting, 404 00:27:42.279 --> 00:27:48.119 they're having dates, they're having sex, but nobody is saying what are 405 00:27:48.200 --> 00:27:52.920 we or nobody's talking about feelings. And in that situation ship, the woman 406 00:27:53.039 --> 00:27:56.400 is starting to have feelings and fall in love with this guy and doesn't know 407 00:27:56.440 --> 00:28:00.000 how to bring it up. Honestly, I know this because you send me 408 00:28:00.160 --> 00:28:03.680 dms all the time asking me how to convert this. I mean. The 409 00:28:03.720 --> 00:28:07.559 other problem for women is that you could just accidentally fall in love with a 410 00:28:07.559 --> 00:28:11.039 loser. Like literally, there's women have come to me and said, oh 411 00:28:11.079 --> 00:28:12.640 my god, he's so great, that's going I'd been singing He's that's amazing, 412 00:28:12.640 --> 00:28:15.920 And I'll be like, didn't you say that that was just a hookup 413 00:28:15.039 --> 00:28:18.240 or a sports sex or an arrangement or whatever. Yeah, But now that 414 00:28:18.279 --> 00:28:21.279 I'm seeing him a lot, I'm really into him, and I'm like, 415 00:28:21.680 --> 00:28:23.279 you know, he doesn't have a job, right, and you know, 416 00:28:23.799 --> 00:28:29.799 like he has whatever history of whatever. A lot of women who are engaged 417 00:28:29.839 --> 00:28:32.480 and he left the altar four times, like, why would you He's got 418 00:28:32.799 --> 00:28:36.680 six baby mamas and eight kids, and why Well, you know he's different 419 00:28:36.680 --> 00:28:40.799 with me, right, No, he's not. You have oxytocin in your 420 00:28:40.799 --> 00:28:45.400 brain, That's what's happening. So it makes women unable to assess well for 421 00:28:45.480 --> 00:28:51.720 the new partners. Now, there's another thing that happens to men when you 422 00:28:51.799 --> 00:28:57.200 have fast love instead of slow love, and it is men get disappointed because 423 00:28:57.200 --> 00:29:04.720 evolution designed them to avoid women who shared their eggs with the whole tribe or 424 00:29:04.759 --> 00:29:10.519 the team. And when a woman gives them sex easily, they think to 425 00:29:10.559 --> 00:29:12.119 themselves, well, this is fun, and this is wonderful, and this 426 00:29:12.200 --> 00:29:15.000 is great, but this is not wifey material. Honestly, ladies, I 427 00:29:15.039 --> 00:29:18.960 know you hate to hear this, but on every first date, the guy 428 00:29:18.079 --> 00:29:22.839 is thinking to himself, am I going to meet my wife tonight? Or 429 00:29:22.880 --> 00:29:26.400 am I going to have great sex? They never think it's the same thing. 430 00:29:26.720 --> 00:29:30.960 They have evolved to have a split and it's not patriarchy. It goes 431 00:29:30.000 --> 00:29:34.680 back to our anthropological past when if a man risked hooking up with a woman 432 00:29:34.680 --> 00:29:37.000 who shared her eggs with the team, he could end up, you know, 433 00:29:37.359 --> 00:29:44.839 raising another man's gens right. So I learned this firsthand a very painful 434 00:29:44.880 --> 00:29:48.200 way back. When I was a young woman and single. I met this 435 00:29:48.240 --> 00:29:51.279 guy. He was a music producer, he was wealthy, he was great, 436 00:29:51.359 --> 00:29:52.039 and I thought, oh my god, this could be perfect. I 437 00:29:52.039 --> 00:29:55.559 could live in this mansion with them. Everything would be great. And like 438 00:29:55.640 --> 00:29:59.319 by the third date, we had sex, and you know what he said 439 00:29:59.519 --> 00:30:03.960 after sex? He said, I'm so disappointed. And I said, what, 440 00:30:04.240 --> 00:30:08.519 excuse me, I'm lying there in the glow of perfection. What And 441 00:30:08.599 --> 00:30:11.759 he said, I wanted to court you. Why didn't you let me court 442 00:30:11.799 --> 00:30:15.839 you? He literally said that, And I was so confused. I was 443 00:30:15.839 --> 00:30:18.799 like twenty eight years old. What did I know? Right? Thirty years 444 00:30:18.839 --> 00:30:21.960 old? Something? I didn't get it. But now I know because I've 445 00:30:22.000 --> 00:30:25.480 read the science on it. Men want the opportunity to court a woman. 446 00:30:25.799 --> 00:30:27.279 They want a woman to play a little bit hard to get, sorry, 447 00:30:27.400 --> 00:30:30.839 but they do well. People of all genders value something that they have to 448 00:30:30.880 --> 00:30:36.839 work for a little bit. The most important reason to practice slow love is 449 00:30:36.839 --> 00:30:42.440 it gives you time to evaluate. It allows you to grow communication skills. 450 00:30:44.119 --> 00:30:48.079 It allows you to grow emotional intimacy, which the research says is the number 451 00:30:48.119 --> 00:30:53.519 one thing that keeps people together for the long term, it's the glue emotional 452 00:30:53.720 --> 00:30:59.400 intimacy, and you get to do that without being overwhelmed by those sneaky neuro 453 00:30:59.519 --> 00:31:07.039 hormones who send you bad advice. So there's my advice. Slow things down. 454 00:31:07.359 --> 00:31:11.000 If you're looking for a long term, committed relationship, if you're a 455 00:31:11.000 --> 00:31:14.599 woman in your fertility window who wants to have kids. If this is what 456 00:31:14.640 --> 00:31:15.759 you're looking for, hey, if you want to hook up, no judgment 457 00:31:15.839 --> 00:31:19.519 here. Enjoy yourself. I've been there. It's fun. But if you're 458 00:31:19.559 --> 00:31:23.640 looking for love, practice slow love. Thanks so much for listening to the 459 00:31:23.680 --> 00:31:26.720 Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I Am six fort If you'd like to follow 460 00:31:26.759 --> 00:31:32.440 me on my social media, you certainly may The handle everywhere is at doctor 461 00:31:32.480 --> 00:31:36.880 Wendy Walsh, but I'm always here for you on KFI every Sunday night. 462 00:31:38.079 --> 00:31:41.920 You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on 463 00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:45.279 kf I Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on 464 00:31:45.359 --> 00:31:48.359 demand on the iHeartRadio app.