The opinions expressed by Chayo Busquets are supported by his extensive experience as a family
therapist and in the previous analysis of the cases presented here welcome. This is
Chayo With you in jewel. We begin, then, very good evening to
everyone as I am Chayo Busquets, this Chayo Contigo and we have a program
full of many things. We already have audio messages. More and more arrive
remember that whatsapp given for your one- minute audio messages is not for phone
calls. It' s not for them to send their cases in writing.
It' s just to send your case verbally into an audio, because a
lot of people find it easier. And what we want here in Chayo Contigo
is to expand the possibilities for you to bring your circumstances and to be able,
from there to talk, to bounce ideas, to give some alternatives that
I hope, as long as they can be useful for you to hear I
get a lot of cases of moms, particularly, but also of some young
dads with children of two years old, three years old, very desperate,
because they do not know how to do it so that these little ones obey.
Notice that one of the elements with which I come across with much forgiveness
is very often related to the false expectation that corresponds to age. Of course
a child of one year, year and a half, two years, three
years, four years will learn to obey, but he won' t do
it because you tell him to obey, because you give him the instruction,
because you tell him to let go of that because it' s going to
break. That' s not for play, and I want to get you
in for a bath. Then come here Let' s go They don'
t do it that way. There' s a lot of restlessness in those
ages. Language is being learned and, therefore, your expectation of obedience has
to be adjusted, that is, not what I am wanting. Saying with
this that if they' re small, they don' t learn, that
if they' re small, they don' t understand. No. What
I' m saying is that we' re going to have to give the
order at these ages, a short order. Not my love, that breaks
let him go, because if you play with him, that can be broken
and besides, you' re gonna hurt all this. A two- year
- old boy has already been lost. To the two- year- old
we have to tell you that you don' t play it short specific direct.
And the other important good is that we' re going to have to
use our physical presence to accompany the order, that is, if I tell
you this, don' t hang on to it. I have to get
close so that the moment I give the order and your son doesn' t
let go, we take it out of his hands and tell him not to
play. With this, we can explain later. It' s an ornament.
It' s made of glass. It breaks you, you can hurt,
but from the beginning of the instruction it has to be very short,
less than seven eight seconds direct and with me, there, so that,
once I gave the instruction, the second one will be accompanied by the action,
if in the first one it did not listen to you and yes,
it is extremely tired to be a father, mother of family, of a
little one of these ages, because they require follow, record, that I
am there, that I am supervising and that I follow the order that I
am giving you and learn by repetition. So I' m going to have
to tell you today and eventually, when you come back to the table in
the living room and grab that object again. I' m going to have
to repeat again, because we learn all human beings, uh we learn by
repetition in those ages. The wear and tear is that I have to be
behind him or behind her to go and do and let' s take care
that he can and he can' t. It' s a stage of
much exploration. It is a time of great concern, because what childhood is
about is to be exploring hello my name is such a fulanite. I have
two children, a teenager of thirteen and another the two men of eleven.
Both are products of a lacal relationship concluded in a divorce eight years ago my
children' s father, since I separated from him for an infidelity on his
part. The relationship concluded in bad terms, pension claims, demand for coexistence,
processes that have passed over the years in appeals and defenses. We haven
' t passed them. In all of it. The father of my children,
with financial solvency, has been on it. The cohabitation was three times
a week with the minors. Among those years that passed, he has had
several different couples. Today he is more stable with a lady who has a
child not of him and live in an open relationship and that is the origin.
My children, over the years, have experienced the very scenarios of a
dysfunctional family and a mother who is a professionalist and left her job to dedicate
herself to them. I' m an only child and I' m in
the care of my ninety- year- old mother, who lives with us.
Last year, my oldest son entered high school and that' s where
it all started, reaching high school and I allowed him to start living longer
with his dad who took him to school, but he conditioned me that I
would have to go to sleep at his house, because the house of two
where we live is more removed from the place where they go to school.
My kids didn' t count on a cell phone. The elder occupied one
of mine that controlled via remote via Family link, where he gave him two
hours a day for his recreation and when he went with his dad, because
he had an iPad, which has no restriction on any content. This made
my son more attractive to be with his dad and slowly he stayed at his
house to one side because the dad did not limit him in his behavior or
in the economics. And that' s how I lost this son. He
went to live with his dad Monday through Friday to take him to school early.
This is because with me, because I left everything organized for them and
my mom, since I don' t have support in household chores, because
this slowed my time and I arrived five minutes or later to their school and
according to the early arrival. He left from Monday to Friday to live with
his dad who goes to elementary school and enters a bravado. Later he stayed
with me. So, little by little, the Great began to limit himself
or say that he was busy and did not return home with me and his
brother, because we have been living alone for eight years. I was never
interested in having a sentimental partner again. And so, seeing all this and
the distance from my son, the Great, by situations that are supported by
his father no longer has a relationship with me. I' m six years
old, six months sorry, six months without living just a few minutes with
him and every time I tell him at home we need you back. He
tells me it' s school, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
The dad' s far from instigating him to come home. When I
tell him, because this is dividing the brothers, he only tells me he
doesn' t want to, because it' s sense, since you yell
at him you prefer the child. And that' s because the big guy
has that idea, because he said that I was just scolding him and the
kid we haven' t been to therapy anymore. I keep going, but
I don' t see any progress. It' s almost a stranger to
me if I see him somewhere else and Mom' s bond, son is
fragmented. The one I prefer to Chico and I that he prefers to his
dad, who when he was little, because he left them to go with
another couple. And it hurts me that my son doesn' t see it.
Like this. I feel with a feeling found regarding my son, because,
because he wants less and less to deal with me, because his paradigm
is that I fight a lot with him and if I bother, because he
is a very distracted child in all aspects and I correct him because I care
that he is a better person. But with everything that' s happened,
I have a lot of courage with him, who, materially, is at
his dad' s house How can I do to get him back. And,
well, then he asks me to shake up a courthouse. The truth
is, that' s what you have to do with a lawyer, not
me. But I think there are a number of things here. How we
' re letting go in some way, how by having other obligations as in
your case, taking care of your mom, suddenly the situation is getting very
complicated and when you least realized it, it turns out that your son practically
avoided coming to the house and this is distancing them now. I think the
subject has to become something very clear from you, as happens in many families
of divorced people, because one weekend you are at your dad' s house
and one weekend you come here with me to the house. But you also
have to realize that you need to start looking at what things and how much
you do to claim things when you talk to him or when you intend to
approach him. I' m sorry, because somehow, the fact that they
' re always going to give reasons for us to draw their attention and educate
them. That doesn' t mean we have to educate everything the same time
we see it and that all your interaction with it doesn' t have to
become a situation of choosing your dad or saying to me and of course how
you choose your dad is by convenience not likely the dad is having a good
bond with him and don' t necessarily excuse me because they have differences of
opinion. So that generates that, having different patterns of education in automatic,
the dad makes him the bad guy already has good that his dad has had
different couples since they split up and you haven' t been interested. He
doesn' t make you a better mother than his dad. I think there
are differences of opinion here. If you have to approach your child in a
more friendly way? Not to give him what he wants, but yes,
in a more friendly way. Why put him in conflict with loyalties and also
point out that your child thinks that when he' s coming with you,
all he' s going to have is claims and scolding. I think there
' s something you' d have to think about about how you educate,
how you approach, how you can be more friendly. Today you have the
advantage that, since you don' t live day to day with him,
your relationship with him can be more relaxed. Now whatever you have to do
legally or not. That' s another matter and you need to see a
lawyer. But I think the place you' re standing from is being a
place of recriminations, claims, of belittle the relationship with your dad when there
must be a lot of elements? Beyond that, perhaps the limits are more
flexible in that house, must there be many more elements? And if you
put yourself in a place of criticism, of course the company spending time together,
doesn' t become attractive. So look a little bit from where and
how you get close to your child and how you' re looking for a
more friendly interaction. And when we make this kind of concessions along the way,
we always have to take into account that at some point, the house
where the kids live and spend more time, is where they generate the most
roots. So abused, because you have to reconcile offer him to go for
a walk along with his brother also dedicate time to him alone so that he
discovers that he has a mother who, besides educating, has an affective bond
with him. We are back here in chayo with you here da Gaby Martínez
Amacona, to which I already try to tell you two surnames, hello charo
buset how lucky. Thank you very much, thank you very much, listen,
Gaby, Gaby, one of the evils that can catch us off guard.
It' s always if he' s giving a heart attack to someone
right, not and what a fear it is. I think it' s
our nightmares, totally, totally and besides, we always have it associated with
better living room, with older people, no older people. And then not
necessarily, not necessarily to see talk that with heart attacks looks at the heart
attack can happen at any time, even at home not and if it will
require immediate medical attention. Em Normally we think that our heart is a bomb
and that this pump pumps the blood, it' s worth the redundancy for
our whole body. If this pump breaks down for any reason, it can
be a blow, it may be an electrical shock. Not that someone electrocuted
um could be a non- organic failure. He simply wore out or stopped
because we have excess fat in our body. Any of these can be reasons
why we' re facing a heart attack. Now there are also very young
people who demand too much from their body and, therefore, their heart and
also cardiac output can lead to a heart attack. Then let' s see
what we' re gonna do. Number one in peace, exaggerate attention focus.
We need to stay calm. If we lose control, we won'
t be able to help. What we have to do is focus on calling
nine hundred and eleven right away and warning, of course, what the ambulance
is getting at. I' m going to be able to do other things,
but I have to activate my metropolitan emergency system. Call nine hundred eleven.
My mom, my dad, my husband, someone not to be my
friend, my best friend, is having a heart attack. Now you'
re going a little ahead. How he' s having a heart attack pain.
We call it precordial pain, but imagine in the chest this one gives
you a puncture. Okay. They don' t start to bend. It
can radiate like extending the pain of the heart, extending over the left hand.
No, okay, so you can even get a hold of your hand,
you feel fatigue. You know something' s wrong, but you don
' t know it' s wrong because I' ve never felt like this
before. Not anymore. So, uh, that' s where we start
raising suspicions, raising alarms, and, of course, we' ll have
to follow vital signs. If I approach a person, I will have to
explore how his heart rate is iwally, he sounds abnormal or he sounds very
weak or something is happening. Don' t umm let' s keep the
person who' s suffering the heart attack calm and comfortable will get help if
a hundred if in my monitoring if in my follow- up I detect that
separates the heart and stops beating. At that time we started CPR, cardiopulmonary
resuscitation, which are compressions in the chest, in the chest and remember the
arms completely extended and we supported all our weight in a vertical position and made
thirty compressions, one, two, three. He' s there in the
liva You remember four, five. We' re not doing it five times.
Thirty compressions. It' s the three, thirty, one, three,
thirty, two, one, two, three, thirty, three,
four, five times the compressions and we keep monitoring. A doubt, Gaby.
When we' re doing compressions, we can notice that, maybe the
person reacts. Will they stop doing it or are they still doing it?
They stop doing it, you know? I can stop doing compressions if the
vitals come back. OK, here I' m going to pause, not
necessarily. When there is a heart attack, CPR is given. There are
times when the person is infarct and gets infarcted to the hospital and we never
gave him compressions because he never stopped his heart. Never for the heart.
But there must be an authorization here, there must be prior medical knowledge.
But sometimes they give you a little pill. No. If you feel bad,
if you suspect a heart attack, you are going to take this and
then go to your medical checkup, to your annual checkup. We' re
in sando the year, we' re in February, so go check yourself
out and ask, prof doc no profe Dock, what probability of heart attack.
I have high low, No, well, high weight loss, do
more exercise, rest well less coffee that is what I can tell you and
maybe you should have this pill at hand. Ok Yes, son, yes
son, yes, especially because they catch you unsuspecting. Look. I know,
it' s chilling, but I prefer that they live the scare microinfarction
right now on the radio, the real lymphardo in real life. I'
m not clear about that. You' re absolutely right. Gaby, I
liked it. I liked it. I liked your comment. Thank you so
much. Let us all have a hug. Thank you for my situations that
I had an argument with my husband on Saturday over a matter of my son.
I lost control He blew a glass. Later, after an argument,
I ventured to fall I hit on the head with a table. I had
themochical, great cephalic. It' s worth mentioning that there was a lot
of blood. I asked him for help, which he ignored. I was
yelling at him. Help me people. If they didn' t come out,
they helped me get the patrol. I didn' t press charges.
I don' t know why I didn' t, but I do feel
bad for my son. I want to get out of the house. I
' m scared, I don' t feel safe anymore. He wanted me
to support you. Thank you very much. What should I do? Without
a doubt, these scenes are very complex scenes, scenes that I don'
t want to clarify that there is no justification for you to throw the glass
against the wall because this is when you check that violence generates violence and eye
because I' m not saying that then, as you threw the glass against
the wall, then he has permission to react in this way you describe.
One of the great problems with marital conflicts, where there is no capacity for
control by either side, is that one cannot predict what will happen or where
the person will fall when the wind or when I safate because it has me
arrested or detained in a violent way, because all there is a great burden.
There are emotions, of course, because this would have to proceed,
because it is the issues. I always tell them here that I' m
never going to tell them to divorce or not to divorce. But when there
is violence involved, the point is what happens that suddenly everything is done to
as in your case, call a patrol and then say no. Nothing happened
here. Yeah, you say BBD today. Well, if you' re
so sure about that, go and raise the lawsuit. The issue here is
how we relate beyond what is legally appropriate, because that' s what counsel
has to do with it. But in the psychological part, here' s
what happens, because this is not a contest of having who had the worst
demonstration of aggression if you, by throwing the glass against the wall or him
by pushing you. And finally, you ended up falling down and you ended
up with a problem like the one you describe. The subject. It'
s not an aber violence contest who committed the most serious misconduct. The issue
is a dynamic that gives rise to a situation that ended in tragedy. But
what has to lead us to wonder what happens to the way we relate to
each other, what happens to our impulse management, how we fight If he
had thrown you out and away from a brain trauma, you would have been
able to hold the balance and you wouldn' t have fallen off what we
were talking about. There is no greater violence and less violence. There is
violence and here this speaks of you coming to a level on which you oppose
a halt so the important l lies, or the subject may come to situations
where there is no turning back. It' s very complex and again I
separate degrees of violence here. Who was to blame, who started, because
this is not a topic that has to lead us from the psychological to make
approaches of this nature, but what about the dynamics of this relationship, what
has been announced within its way of relating, of how sooner or later it
would reach a degree like this so unfortunate. So, well, you can
go raise the demand if you want, but the part that matters, in
psychological terms, is how couples' relationships get to these dynamics. So you
take it into consideration and see if you have to do serious psychological work around
this. You mentioned your son, but beyond your son, for you and
for your relationship and, evidently already by consequence, for this will impact your
son for both good and evil. I' m telling you my situation.
Don' t mention my name please, I' m twenty- three years
old from the architecture career. I have a dating relationship with a younger boy.
I' m twenty- three, he' s twenty- one.
We' re studying the same thing and it' s been a year and
a month now. Together we have been through many very uncomfortable things in terms
of talks to resolve conflicts. We always try to fix it the same day
until we' re all right again. But there' s a very punctual
situation that I don' t know how to handle anymore. Before we started
our relationship we were friends with a friend from the same career. That friend
was always very attentive to me and we were just friends. The point is,
he got to flirt with me before I started hanging out with my boyfriend,
but I just didn' t take it. He didn' t take
it into account and made it clear to him that I' m interested in
my boyfriend, that is, his friend, but not to do the longest,
after so much that we went through differences between the three, for me
that friendship between the three of us was undone, he no longer talks to
me or to my boyfriend anymore. We keep a distance from him. But
here the problem is that my boyfriend told me not to have contact with him
for any reason, to delete him from any social network, to talk to
him nothing, absolutely nothing, because it caused him insecurity. And I did
it to be okay with him and not cause trouble. But when it came
time to talk to him about college stuff, my boyfriend was mad at me.
When I told him it was school stuff. One day he realized that
I sent him the same message for school reasons and he was also angry.
He told me that it seems to me that I am still interested in knowing
about him and always for this former friend is a matter of discussion. I
always ended up being the bad guy in the story. When I explain to
him that not because I spoke to him because of school things, I would
like to say that I am interested in other things. That happened in the
first three months of our relationship and in the middle of the year, about
time passed and those fights for him no longer passed until Tuesday again told me
angry that I was disappointed that because I saw that I still had him as
a follower in Tiktok' s apps, when that was the first times that
we became friends. It never crossed my mind that I was still following him
in the APP to erase him. When he asked me to, I don
' t even fear it' s important, I didn' t know how
to raise content or anything. It' s irrelevant the APP to me I
only have it to watch certain videos of certain things. Then he claimed me
angry that he was disappointed that we had seen that when we had found out
that I had erased it from all social networks. I explained to him that
I didn' t remember that I was there, that even if I was
there, I don' t care, that the important thing is that I
believe and trust me, but not that there are already several times that I
don' t keep my word, that for talking to him at uni and
for sending him messages for school things, that for following him still in the
APP and I don' t know what to do anymore. Or to say
as long as we are convinced that we should not give importance to that,
that that is past, that it should not matter, that what we should
care about is our present and that we should not allow him to be a
reason for discussion among us. But between the argument and the claims that he
gave me for him, I told him that then it is to go security
of my boyfriend with this former friend that as long as he doesn' t
overcome that, he will always be tormented by his presence and that the fact
that I see him daily in college and more than me drags me with that
insecurity. When he said that, he got more angry than that. I
told him to look for help to get through things together. But I also
have insecurities. But he told me that he does not need any psychologist or
therapy, that it is not weak that I do, that I leave with
my orientations, because he does not need it. Among many other things we
said. And I ended up telling him that I no longer feel able to
deal with this situation, I no longer know how to act. I'
m overtaken by my emotions, give me time to think and talk again calmly.
And the only thing he told me was that I' ve given the
subject that only matters how I feel that I leave it half worth what he
feels when I actually gave them the solution to seek help. The truth is,
I didn' t want to talk anymore because I didn' t feel
able to face it, but I need space to think. I just told
him that I do care about his feeling, but he doesn' t accept
it so far. She doesn' t want to talk to me, and
I feel like she' s holding me responsible and she doesn' t accept
that it' s wrong. That' s part of a lot of things
we' ve been through. I don' t know if we' re
falling into something toxic, but I don' t know if he made me
understand. Yeah, you made yourself perfectly well understood, and I think this
certainly has nothing to do with you. It has to do with him,
with him with his insecurities and his jealousy, but it also has to do
with something else that I don' t know if there are any more elements
in your relationship with him. But be careful, because this is an attempt
at control and when in a relationship you don' t give the confidence to
believe what the other person is saying, because some entry is already very bad,
because without a doubt, this insecurity that he initially accepted that he had
and that he no longer recognizes, doesn' t make him face why it
requires you to finish an interaction like the one you just described just out of
jealousy. And I think that when we do things like what you said at
the beginning, I, as long as I had no problems, did what
he asked me, because somehow you acted as guilty, as if there were
reasons for no one can in a couple relationship, forbid the other person certain
friends, certain contacts, whom he has to have in his networks and whom
he doesn' t, because he' s an attempt at control and I
think you have to think about it, because, besides everything, it'
s working as the gruesome lawsuit. He' s the one who' s
acting bad and he' s the one who gets angry and puts limits on
you. So I think it' s time you consider whether this is really
worth it and what you want for your future, even when there' s
affection involved. Think about it and speaking of news, tomorrow we' ll
have Tartron here with a question I leave you with from today is the same
loyalty and fidelity. Let' s talk about it with her and next Monday
we have a full couple program. What elements hurt the relationships of our couple.
Don' t miss it. And with this I tell you until tomorrow
we hear here in Chayo with you tomorrow at 1: 00 p m,
until tomorrow Audio Center