WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.200 --> 00:00:05.599 Successful individuals use coaching and mentorship to help them unlock their potential. Not all 2 00:00:05.639 --> 00:00:09.599 coaches are created equal, and that's why we work with the top five percent 3 00:00:09.599 --> 00:00:13.039 of coaches at Idemics. Welcome to coaches you need. Brought to you by 4 00:00:13.080 --> 00:00:20.359 IDEMICX. Hello. Today we're conversation with Katie Harwich. Katie, it's great 5 00:00:20.399 --> 00:00:23.320 to have you on the show. It's so great to be here. Thank 6 00:00:23.320 --> 00:00:27.800 you so much for having me. What a wonderful way to spend my day, 7 00:00:28.480 --> 00:00:31.679 especially on a really day, especially on a rainy day. And I 8 00:00:31.719 --> 00:00:34.880 mean, it's so cozy in here, and we've just been talking for like 9 00:00:34.920 --> 00:00:39.439 three hours before this, so I feel very, very cozy and at home. 10 00:00:39.600 --> 00:00:45.359 I'm wonderful. So, Katy, you had a wonderful way in which 11 00:00:45.359 --> 00:00:50.840 you introduced yourself, and I want to play this quick clip for our listeners 12 00:00:51.679 --> 00:00:55.520 to really hear how you introduce yourself in your own words. Let's take a 13 00:00:55.600 --> 00:00:59.719 quick look. My name is Katie Horwich. I am a writer, I 14 00:00:59.759 --> 00:01:03.640 am a speaker. I'm a mindset coach and the founder of Want Women Against 15 00:01:03.640 --> 00:01:07.120 Negative Talk, a platform that gives you tips, tools, motivation, and 16 00:01:07.239 --> 00:01:12.680 inspiration to shift your self talk patterns let's get this show on the road. 17 00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:19.000 My name is Katie Horwitch, and I have spoken around the globe about shifting 18 00:01:19.079 --> 00:01:23.760 your self talk, that internal narrative that tells you who you are and how 19 00:01:23.799 --> 00:01:27.799 you fit into the world. The phenomenal Oh my gosh, she will literally 20 00:01:27.799 --> 00:01:34.359 set yourself on fires. So Katie, tell us about the germ, the 21 00:01:34.480 --> 00:01:41.640 idea that made you found want with it against negative self talk and what negative 22 00:01:41.640 --> 00:01:45.519 self talk really is. Yeah, I you know, I think that one 23 00:01:45.599 --> 00:01:49.040 lead directly into the other. So I'll start with your second question. Yeah, 24 00:01:49.159 --> 00:01:56.560 self talk in general is the narrative that we have going on internally twenty 25 00:01:56.560 --> 00:02:00.879 four seven that tells us who we are and who we believe ourselves to be 26 00:02:01.079 --> 00:02:07.599 out in the world. Yeah. So negative self talk is sort of where 27 00:02:07.639 --> 00:02:13.879 the self talk takes a dark turn. And it's the self talk, the 28 00:02:13.919 --> 00:02:20.560 internal narrative that belittles who we are, what we do, how we fit 29 00:02:20.599 --> 00:02:24.879 into the world. That's where the self doubt comes from. Lots of fears, 30 00:02:24.960 --> 00:02:30.439 people sometimes talk about limiting beliefs. These can all be grouped under this 31 00:02:30.520 --> 00:02:36.919 sort of blanket umbrella term of negative self talk. So for me, when 32 00:02:36.960 --> 00:02:43.719 I first started want, women against negative talk. There's a short answer, 33 00:02:43.840 --> 00:02:51.000 and then there's the bit longer real answer. So the short write exactly Well, 34 00:02:51.000 --> 00:02:55.520 the short answer is that I noticed I've been aware of my self talk 35 00:02:55.599 --> 00:03:04.080 my entire life, and I always had a lot of self confidence, but 36 00:03:04.360 --> 00:03:08.400 I like to say the lens that I viewed that self confidence through was all 37 00:03:08.879 --> 00:03:17.280 tarnished and muddy. So I believed that to have confidence in yourself was synonymous 38 00:03:17.319 --> 00:03:28.599 with narcissism, vanity, all of these negative skewing terms that really were focused 39 00:03:28.599 --> 00:03:34.280 on women when I was growing because a lot of these things having a lot 40 00:03:34.280 --> 00:03:39.080 of confidence or pride in yourself when it came to basically anyone other than a 41 00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:44.800 man, it was something that you were supposed to dim down and make smaller, 42 00:03:44.960 --> 00:03:47.960 right, And what I realized is that there was no place that was 43 00:03:49.000 --> 00:03:53.919 really talking about self talk as a whole and how to shift your self talk 44 00:03:53.960 --> 00:04:00.879 in a real, lasting way beyond affirmations and one off things that made you 45 00:04:00.919 --> 00:04:05.639 feel good, and a lot of the self talk confidence building focused platforms that 46 00:04:05.680 --> 00:04:12.680 I could find at the time. We're focused on body image, which many 47 00:04:12.719 --> 00:04:15.800 of us know who have struggled with body image issues, is that it's really 48 00:04:15.840 --> 00:04:19.639 about more than the body just that. Yeah. The side note, which 49 00:04:19.720 --> 00:04:24.639 is part of the longer answer, is that I thought of the idea back 50 00:04:24.839 --> 00:04:31.040 in two thousand and seven. So I was twenty one years old, and 51 00:04:31.399 --> 00:04:36.319 at the time I was struggling speaking of body body image issues, I was 52 00:04:36.360 --> 00:04:43.199 struggling with a host of eating and body and related disorders. And what I 53 00:04:43.240 --> 00:04:49.079 was struggling with didn't fall under the terms that were used to describe eating disorders 54 00:04:49.120 --> 00:04:55.399 at the time. Yeah, I struggled with something called orthorexia, which is 55 00:04:55.439 --> 00:05:04.120 basically an unhealthy focus on health amongst exercise, bulimia, body dysmorphia. Like 56 00:05:04.160 --> 00:05:09.040 I said, a whole host of things, Okay, And I remember seeing 57 00:05:09.560 --> 00:05:12.680 the first of Real Body's commercial. Do you remember that? Yeah, Yeah, 58 00:05:12.800 --> 00:05:15.839 with like the white underwear all of the women. It was like the 59 00:05:15.920 --> 00:05:25.639 first confidence building advertisement. Like any sort of media campaign, we take those 60 00:05:25.639 --> 00:05:28.399 for granted now, but that was new, yeah at the time. And 61 00:05:28.480 --> 00:05:32.439 I remember when I saw that, Yeah, I had this these three thoughts. 62 00:05:32.480 --> 00:05:36.319 It was like a boom boom boom type thing. I thought, this 63 00:05:36.399 --> 00:05:41.199 is incredible, this is revolutionary. I've never seen anything like this. And 64 00:05:41.240 --> 00:05:46.480 then I thought, well, this ad is telling me that I should love 65 00:05:46.560 --> 00:05:51.560 myself and love my body, and love myself exactly as I am. What 66 00:05:51.680 --> 00:05:57.759 happens when I don't and what happens when I can't just tell myself that thing? 67 00:05:58.399 --> 00:06:01.600 And then I thought, I'm going to start up. I think I 68 00:06:01.600 --> 00:06:05.800 called it an awareness campaign at the time. I'm going to start an awareness 69 00:06:05.839 --> 00:06:14.120 campaign that is helping women shift their self talk, giving them tips and tools 70 00:06:14.160 --> 00:06:16.639 and most motivation and inspiration. I'm going to call it and want women against 71 00:06:16.680 --> 00:06:21.319 negative talk. That all came to me within like five seconds. But it 72 00:06:21.399 --> 00:06:27.519 was two thousand and seven. Yeah, I was twenty one, and it's 73 00:06:27.560 --> 00:06:30.480 not so much about age, but I was still within my own struggle. 74 00:06:30.759 --> 00:06:38.439 So I basically saw the idea that I wanted in my life, but I 75 00:06:38.639 --> 00:06:43.600 didn't know how to deliver that. Yeah, because I needed it so badly. 76 00:06:43.800 --> 00:06:48.399 And so when it came back into my mind years later, Yeah, 77 00:06:48.560 --> 00:06:57.360 and I had gotten older, gotten more experience, worked through many of my 78 00:06:57.639 --> 00:07:02.560 eating and body related issues, Yeah, I realized that I had the tools 79 00:07:02.680 --> 00:07:08.199 to now implement this idea that I had all of those years ago. And 80 00:07:08.319 --> 00:07:15.000 I felt confidence self assured enough to be very clear with what I knew and 81 00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:18.199 what I didn't know yeah, because I think that can be a problem sometimes 82 00:07:18.519 --> 00:07:23.959 and in it I think in everything we do, we have to slay our 83 00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:28.639 own demons before we can teach others to slay theirs. And I know that 84 00:07:28.680 --> 00:07:31.319 for a lot of our listeners. For myself, I was much more of 85 00:07:31.319 --> 00:07:38.279 a traditional eating disorder patient than you were. It was all all the sort 86 00:07:38.279 --> 00:07:44.759 of problems that were classified as writing disorder, and so much of it had 87 00:07:44.800 --> 00:07:48.279 to do all of it had to do with negative self talk, right, 88 00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:59.000 that that you never considered, even if you presented with a very externally self 89 00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:05.519 confident manner, you didn't actually believe that in yourself right, And so in 90 00:08:05.600 --> 00:08:11.399 the private moments, and then the food was just a mechanism, right, 91 00:08:11.560 --> 00:08:18.480 You're you're always critiquing yourself and you're always finding yourself wanting yes, whatever it 92 00:08:18.560 --> 00:08:24.600 is you're seeking, And it really is like a total mindset shift rather than 93 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:28.600 telling yourself or I shouldn't do this, Because there were lots of moments when 94 00:08:28.680 --> 00:08:31.959 we all when we're in when we were in those phases, told ourselves and 95 00:08:31.039 --> 00:08:35.320 knew that we shouldn't do it, but didn't know how to not do it. 96 00:08:35.399 --> 00:08:39.639 Yeah, And there's a difference between logically knowing something and actually being able 97 00:08:39.679 --> 00:08:43.840 to implement it totally. And and yeah, I mean that's that's in the 98 00:08:43.960 --> 00:08:52.120 end, coaching and behavioral change and finding a new way of being in yourself. 99 00:08:52.320 --> 00:08:56.279 Yeah, and commitment, commitment to a new to that new way of 100 00:08:56.320 --> 00:09:01.559 being, Because can be really scared, Harry, to start something new, 101 00:09:01.720 --> 00:09:05.720 even if, like I said, like you know logically that it's a good 102 00:09:05.759 --> 00:09:09.120 thing, it can be really hard to start something new because you don't know, 103 00:09:09.240 --> 00:09:13.639 you don't know if it's gonna work, it's unfamiliar, and so a 104 00:09:13.759 --> 00:09:20.919 lot of times what can happen is we stay in these negative self talk loops, 105 00:09:22.480 --> 00:09:28.080 not necessarily because we want to be there or that we want to believe 106 00:09:28.159 --> 00:09:31.879 these things, but it's habit, but that there's no option in a sense 107 00:09:33.080 --> 00:09:37.559 exactly right. We're trapped in it until we find the mechanism to get out. 108 00:09:39.480 --> 00:09:46.120 So so much all of that I think revolves around fearlessness. And I 109 00:09:46.159 --> 00:09:50.720 want to take a quick look at the way that you described fearlessness, and 110 00:09:50.799 --> 00:09:56.440 let's take a quick Lissen. Fearlessness is not about not being scared. Fearlessness 111 00:09:56.559 --> 00:10:01.600 is when we fear is less. That sounds like a really cute, pretty 112 00:10:03.000 --> 00:10:05.720 blowy, poetic, tweetable, and believe you me, I have tweeted it 113 00:10:05.720 --> 00:10:11.519 out many times. But it's also an equation. Lowering your fear is hard. 114 00:10:11.919 --> 00:10:16.600 Fear is a human emotion, and it exists for an important reason. 115 00:10:16.879 --> 00:10:20.720 Life is all freaking over the place. However, upping your faith is a 116 00:10:20.759 --> 00:10:24.120 different story. So many times we just think at this high high, we 117 00:10:24.159 --> 00:10:28.600 think that we're supposed to be there all of the time. Life is up, 118 00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:31.240 it's down, it's in between. If you can start to notice the 119 00:10:31.320 --> 00:10:35.399 reasons that you already have to have faith in yourself, it loops right here. 120 00:10:35.480 --> 00:10:37.919 You think you're going up, but oh, fake out, and you're 121 00:10:37.919 --> 00:10:43.440 still going down. Slowly, but surely those reasons pile up and the scales 122 00:10:43.519 --> 00:10:46.399 start to tip from the fear toward the faith. Right, Canny, you 123 00:10:46.480 --> 00:10:52.960 talked a lot in that clip about being fearness on the day to day and 124 00:10:54.000 --> 00:11:01.919 learning to sort of take life's up and downs in stride and not too sort 125 00:11:01.960 --> 00:11:09.200 of affected right by them. How do you empower yourself to do that on 126 00:11:09.279 --> 00:11:16.080 a daily basis? So the idea of fearlessness, so the fear that you 127 00:11:16.200 --> 00:11:22.200 have a situation thing is less than the faith that you have in yourself. 128 00:11:22.039 --> 00:11:30.039 I've found that that's a very grounding north star, yeah for me, if 129 00:11:30.080 --> 00:11:35.559 you will. And fearlessness, a lot of people will talk about fearlessness is 130 00:11:35.679 --> 00:11:41.799 feeling the fear and doing it anyway, which I think can be useful as 131 00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:45.799 well. I'm not going to bash that whole phrase, especially if it works 132 00:11:46.120 --> 00:11:52.120 for people who are watching or listening. And also, I really believe that 133 00:11:52.240 --> 00:12:00.759 we need multiple tools in our toolkit when it comes to things like developing yearlessness, 134 00:12:01.399 --> 00:12:07.480 confidence, dealing with self doubt. So for me, what I like 135 00:12:07.639 --> 00:12:11.360 to do when I'm feeling that fears start to come up, yeah, is 136 00:12:11.720 --> 00:12:18.000 I give myself actual what I call faith points for myself. Yeah. So 137 00:12:18.080 --> 00:12:26.720 that's stuff that so that stuff that feels like I can trust. It's stuff 138 00:12:26.759 --> 00:12:31.919 that feels real, that feels tangible. It's not stuff that I'm reaching out 139 00:12:31.919 --> 00:12:37.960 of the air to make myself believe. So, for example, I have 140 00:12:39.480 --> 00:12:46.600 not recorded a podcast in person any very time, and so I felt when 141 00:12:46.720 --> 00:12:50.159 I was planning out my week and I knew that I was going to be 142 00:12:50.159 --> 00:12:54.720 coming here, I started to feel that little flicker of fear I come up 143 00:12:54.759 --> 00:12:56.159 and I think, oh my gosh, like I hope, I hope, 144 00:12:56.200 --> 00:12:58.960 say who likes me? Yeah, I hope I do well. I hope 145 00:13:00.039 --> 00:13:03.200 I'm not tripping over my words. And it's really easy and very natural to 146 00:13:03.240 --> 00:13:07.279 get caught in that place. Yeah. Absolutely. And I think it's what 147 00:13:07.320 --> 00:13:15.080 you've what you've sort of articulated and identified is. And it's interesting because I 148 00:13:15.080 --> 00:13:20.759 don't know if you've read doctor Lisa Demor's book, which was about stress and 149 00:13:20.799 --> 00:13:24.440 anxiety and young women. And one of the things she talks about in that 150 00:13:24.480 --> 00:13:30.320 book is she was working as a school psychologist at a couple of different high 151 00:13:30.320 --> 00:13:35.000 schools in Los Angeles actually, and she talked about young women coming in, 152 00:13:37.759 --> 00:13:41.480 you know, saying I'm super stressed about an exam I have tomorrow, and 153 00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:46.159 where a lot of adult responses are generally to say, oh, don't be 154 00:13:46.240 --> 00:13:50.679 stressed, right right, right, Like that helps, Like that helps. 155 00:13:52.200 --> 00:13:56.480 Her approach was, Okay, I understand that you're stressed, and it totally 156 00:13:56.519 --> 00:14:01.519 makes sense. What is it. Let's talk through what you can do to 157 00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:07.200 diminish that stress, Like what's the actual roadmap of how you're going to feel 158 00:14:07.279 --> 00:14:11.200 less stressed about this exam to the worrow? Right? And And I think 159 00:14:11.279 --> 00:14:15.240 that tactical, practical sort of what am I going to do? For a 160 00:14:15.320 --> 00:14:18.840 second and third is what is something that's very difficult for us to do on 161 00:14:18.879 --> 00:14:22.000 our own in a vacuum? Yeah right, Like, even though we know 162 00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:26.200 the goal, it's very hard to identify the path to get there, and 163 00:14:26.639 --> 00:14:33.240 talking learning or teaching ourselves to sort of step back at that moment and say, 164 00:14:33.399 --> 00:14:37.879 hang on, let me just think about this and hey, and I 165 00:14:37.919 --> 00:14:41.000 can think it through and identify steps, you know, A, B, 166 00:14:41.120 --> 00:14:45.759 and C to then overcome that year. Yeah right, or just thinking, 167 00:14:46.240 --> 00:14:48.200 Okay, what do I know? Yeah? What do I know? Like, 168 00:14:48.320 --> 00:14:54.559 let's go back to this very real time example. I know that I 169 00:14:54.600 --> 00:15:01.840 have been doing this for fifteen years, So whatever we talk about, I'm 170 00:15:01.879 --> 00:15:07.200 not going to be scrambling for words. I know that I have that experience 171 00:15:07.200 --> 00:15:11.720 behind me, don't. I also know that I very simple. I have 172 00:15:11.799 --> 00:15:16.000 outfits that I like to wear that I know I will feel comfortable because I'm 173 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:22.279 wearing an outfit that I love. I know that I know how to speak 174 00:15:22.320 --> 00:15:26.200 on a mic and camera because I've been doing that for even longer. I 175 00:15:26.240 --> 00:15:31.159 come from a theater background way, so just pulling these small little things that 176 00:15:31.320 --> 00:15:39.120 feel inconsequential and that sometimes is a really great in Yes, for doing exactly 177 00:15:39.159 --> 00:15:41.960 what you talked about, which is the next step of Okay, what's my 178 00:15:43.000 --> 00:15:45.240 game plan? So what am I going to do about it? Right? 179 00:15:45.639 --> 00:15:48.720 Yeah, it's putting together. It's sort of taking these puzzle pieces that you 180 00:15:48.759 --> 00:15:54.320 have within yourselves and actually combining them into a coherent image or plan. Yeah, 181 00:15:54.440 --> 00:16:00.639 how you tackle something? Yeah, Yeah, you've had some experience with 182 00:16:00.759 --> 00:16:08.159 coaching yourself. You also coach others extensively. How did coaching impact you in 183 00:16:08.320 --> 00:16:14.879 helping you to kind of put aside or put down the negative self talk. 184 00:16:15.080 --> 00:16:18.919 Of course, for any of us who've suffered from this, it constantly arises. 185 00:16:19.159 --> 00:16:25.600 It's not ever going to sort of disappear into the void. But we 186 00:16:25.759 --> 00:16:32.080 evolved in the tools, as you said, that we use to slay those 187 00:16:32.120 --> 00:16:37.519 demons. Yeah, tell me about that. So I'm someone who I feel 188 00:16:37.559 --> 00:16:42.360 like I came out of the womb self aware I have there is there is 189 00:16:42.399 --> 00:16:48.320 no lacking in self awareness in me, and so which is a wonderful quality 190 00:16:48.360 --> 00:16:52.440 to have and also can also burden. Yeah, it can. It can 191 00:16:52.480 --> 00:16:59.720 be really really hard sometimes. And so what was really useful for me when 192 00:16:59.720 --> 00:17:07.079 it comes to getting my own support is to recognize exactly what I need. 193 00:17:07.119 --> 00:17:10.480 And if I didn't know what I needed, that's that's valid as well, 194 00:17:11.079 --> 00:17:18.559 because what I see sometimes in people who talk about coaching and they're like, 195 00:17:18.599 --> 00:17:23.319 well, I haven't really noticed a difference or haven't seen a thing. You 196 00:17:23.440 --> 00:17:27.400 hear this a lot also with therapists. Yes, people will say, well, 197 00:17:27.440 --> 00:17:32.279 I didn't really notice the difference. You also, as the person who 198 00:17:32.359 --> 00:17:37.640 is being coached, have to show up just as much as the person who 199 00:17:37.759 --> 00:17:42.599 is coaching you. And you have to be willing to to be honest. 200 00:17:42.799 --> 00:17:48.240 And also it's a practice and asking for what you need. So, for 201 00:17:48.279 --> 00:17:52.880 example, I was on a call with a coach of mine a few weeks 202 00:17:52.880 --> 00:17:56.319 ago, and I was struggling through I'm writing a book right now. I'm 203 00:17:56.319 --> 00:18:03.519 in the midst of finishing up my MANUSS and that's a very insular, isolating 204 00:18:03.799 --> 00:18:11.119 experience sometimes, and I realized that I needed in my life a little bit 205 00:18:11.319 --> 00:18:17.119 more of a sense of community. But I didn't want to go so far 206 00:18:17.160 --> 00:18:19.759 in the other direction that I completely neglected all the good that I had going. 207 00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:23.880 And so I said that to my coach, and I said, look, 208 00:18:25.319 --> 00:18:30.559 I understand what's going on. Here's where I believe it comes from. 209 00:18:30.599 --> 00:18:36.519 I would love to figure out some tools that maybe I could use in this 210 00:18:36.599 --> 00:18:40.599 time. And also like, is there anything that you're noticing that I'm not 211 00:18:40.599 --> 00:18:47.799 noticing? Right, So that for me on the coach the coache and has 212 00:18:47.839 --> 00:18:56.160 been really really important. And then on the coaching and find that it's so 213 00:18:57.200 --> 00:19:03.559 vital for coaches to go or at least for me as a coach to go 214 00:19:03.359 --> 00:19:11.480 into a session with a client with a blank slate. First of all, 215 00:19:11.480 --> 00:19:15.240 I take notes during my sessions. Yeah, I like to remember. I 216 00:19:15.279 --> 00:19:22.119 want to remember names, remember important details, certain words that they've said that 217 00:19:22.400 --> 00:19:27.640 are like important to them. So just bare bones like stuff that I go 218 00:19:27.720 --> 00:19:37.079 into the session with. And then I do not assume that the issues, 219 00:19:37.319 --> 00:19:42.319 struggle, situations that are going on in the last session are happening this session. 220 00:19:44.440 --> 00:19:48.039 I think that that's that's where the importance of the blank slate comes up. 221 00:19:48.160 --> 00:19:51.599 Yeah, my dad always says that it's a very dad joke that to 222 00:19:52.400 --> 00:19:56.759 assume is to make an ass out of you and me. He's not wrong. 223 00:19:56.839 --> 00:20:04.240 And then really working with people to help them come to their own conclusions 224 00:20:04.279 --> 00:20:11.680 and help support them with strategies and systems to make however they want to be 225 00:20:11.880 --> 00:20:17.240 or whatever they want to do sustainable. Like I don't go in as a 226 00:20:17.279 --> 00:20:22.359 coach thinking that I have all the answers. What I do go in with 227 00:20:22.839 --> 00:20:30.000 is the intention to help the person that I'm coaching ask better, more nuanced, 228 00:20:30.160 --> 00:20:34.240 more useful questions. If that makes sense, Yeah, that totally makes 229 00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:37.799 sense. I think in the end, what you're going in with is a 230 00:20:37.880 --> 00:20:42.440 framework, right that you can use. And the reason the framework I think 231 00:20:42.519 --> 00:20:53.119 is so important for coucheese is as a coachy, you are there with a 232 00:20:53.240 --> 00:21:00.759 problem and sometimes people just want an answer, right, Like a lot of 233 00:21:00.759 --> 00:21:03.799 times people will just say, well, I just want, you know, 234 00:21:03.799 --> 00:21:06.240 someone to tell you what to do so I can just solve this problem, 235 00:21:06.359 --> 00:21:12.880 right, And in a sense, that's such an unproductive path because someone telling 236 00:21:12.920 --> 00:21:18.920 you what to do might solve your problem in the immediate term, but it's 237 00:21:18.920 --> 00:21:25.119 again given you no tools to tackle a problem when it arises next. Yes, 238 00:21:25.400 --> 00:21:29.799 And I think the purpose and the importance of coaching and the framework ultimately 239 00:21:30.720 --> 00:21:36.680 is teaching you those tools so that when you confront that situation the next time, 240 00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:41.039 or even in this moment, when you're in a situation you're asking yourself 241 00:21:41.079 --> 00:21:45.000 the right questions, listening to the answers, and then behaving according exactly. 242 00:21:45.119 --> 00:21:51.119 I mean, it goes back to how I approach self talk. Is you 243 00:21:51.160 --> 00:21:55.440 can't just replace one word with another word. Yeah, yes, maybe if 244 00:21:55.440 --> 00:22:00.960 you're writing a paper and one word expresses your thoughts better than another word. 245 00:22:02.079 --> 00:22:07.640 But to go from I don't believe in myself too, I believe in myself. 246 00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:12.200 That's putting words first, and that's band aiding words on top of the 247 00:22:12.240 --> 00:22:18.160 situation. And so in order to shift your self talk, you really the 248 00:22:18.240 --> 00:22:22.759 talk comes secondary. It's the self part where the real lasting changes come. 249 00:22:22.920 --> 00:22:30.680 And it's tough work, but that's like the groundwork for the self house that 250 00:22:30.720 --> 00:22:34.400 you're building. You know. Do you feel? And this maybe anecdata on 251 00:22:34.440 --> 00:22:41.000 my part, but it feels like as women, we suffer from this problem 252 00:22:41.039 --> 00:22:45.160 a whole lot more than men do. Is that your impression? You know? 253 00:22:45.240 --> 00:22:51.759 It's still interesting because I get so many men who will come to me 254 00:22:52.160 --> 00:22:57.000 be like, we go through this also, like we deal with low self 255 00:22:57.119 --> 00:23:03.359 image and self worth and self down out. And my experience is that all 256 00:23:03.440 --> 00:23:14.119 genders experience negative self talk. Historically, women's negative self talk has been reinforced 257 00:23:14.519 --> 00:23:22.319 more and reinforced in very subtle ways through I mean even just looking at advertisements. 258 00:23:22.319 --> 00:23:26.680 In the words used to describe a cream, it's an anti aging cream, 259 00:23:26.880 --> 00:23:33.319 so anti we are anti aging aging, not exactly exactly. And so 260 00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:41.720 there are some incredible men who are doing this type of work focusing on men. 261 00:23:42.039 --> 00:23:45.839 You know, Justin Baldoni is one of those people. He has a 262 00:23:45.880 --> 00:23:56.880 fantastic podcast for me. I choose to focus on women because not only is 263 00:23:56.920 --> 00:24:06.079 that the experience that I have, and I also find that women so many 264 00:24:06.119 --> 00:24:14.559 times start to lead the charge for change, yes, in whatever area they're 265 00:24:14.599 --> 00:24:21.119 in in life. And so if women can start to shift their self talk 266 00:24:21.160 --> 00:24:25.240 and look, we all take cues from each other. So if you are 267 00:24:25.920 --> 00:24:30.039 holding yourself in a certain way, doing certain things, speaking of yourself in 268 00:24:30.079 --> 00:24:33.240 a certain way, I'm going to take note of that, and I'm going 269 00:24:33.319 --> 00:24:38.279 to start to feel more comfortable and more permission to be that way myself. 270 00:24:38.480 --> 00:24:45.119 Yeah, And then that creates this ribble effect where what we do is not 271 00:24:45.160 --> 00:24:51.599 in a silo and we I mean we learn best not from books, but 272 00:24:51.960 --> 00:24:56.279 from each other. Yeah, from engagement and from conversation and in groups, 273 00:24:56.359 --> 00:25:02.200 and with the benefit of different perspectives. I sig. Do you think is 274 00:25:02.759 --> 00:25:07.480 negative self talk something that is age related in any way? Like do you 275 00:25:07.519 --> 00:25:15.279 find, um, when people are in their lateens twenties, is it more 276 00:25:15.319 --> 00:25:19.319 of a problem in a sense, you know, there's there's not as much 277 00:25:19.359 --> 00:25:25.359 experience there in kind of navigating the world. But is there any kind of 278 00:25:25.599 --> 00:25:30.640 pattern that you observed like that. I mean, it's interesting because yes, 279 00:25:30.720 --> 00:25:36.839 no, and kind of yeah, yeah, and very wide variation of that 280 00:25:37.000 --> 00:25:45.000 answer. Um. Negative self talk is something that I've noticed. Is it 281 00:25:45.039 --> 00:25:52.920 transcends age or life stage? The things that you're negative self talking about might 282 00:25:53.079 --> 00:25:57.559 change throughout time? Yeah. Um. But the one commonality that I do 283 00:25:57.680 --> 00:26:08.279 find is that the earlier you start down the negative self talk path and like 284 00:26:10.079 --> 00:26:17.240 aren't really taking proactive steps to build that sense of self and that proactive sense 285 00:26:17.279 --> 00:26:21.640 of self like we were talking before, the stronger the habit gets, yes, 286 00:26:21.720 --> 00:26:26.799 and so it becomes something that we don't even realize that we're doing. 287 00:26:26.960 --> 00:26:30.519 And there's a term that I that I use called casual negativity, and it's 288 00:26:30.599 --> 00:26:40.559 the negative self talk that we use so emotionless that it's like commenting on the 289 00:26:40.599 --> 00:26:45.359 weather or like the sigh is blue I'm so untalented, you know, the 290 00:26:45.400 --> 00:26:49.079 stuff that we don't even think they go about. And so while I would 291 00:26:49.079 --> 00:26:55.960 say that negative self talk, like I said, transcends hage, it is 292 00:26:56.039 --> 00:27:00.200 something that the longer you're saying something to yourself, the more they begin to 293 00:27:00.279 --> 00:27:03.839 believe it. Yeah, and the more it's it's lodged into your head and 294 00:27:03.920 --> 00:27:10.079 your heart as just something that I say, it is something that I am 295 00:27:10.839 --> 00:27:18.680 and that's why I am passionate about working with all ages, Henny and all 296 00:27:18.759 --> 00:27:26.440 people. But when I get someone who is in a transitional point in their 297 00:27:26.480 --> 00:27:29.960 life, and that could be someone who just graduated college, who is about 298 00:27:29.960 --> 00:27:34.359 to hit maybe what has been socially deemed a milestone birthday thirty forty fifty, 299 00:27:34.440 --> 00:27:40.640 someone wants to create a career change, that's when it's like I get even 300 00:27:40.680 --> 00:27:45.279 more excited about it because it's a sign to me that they are ready to 301 00:27:45.319 --> 00:27:49.359 do something differently and I get to support them through that. And that's just 302 00:27:49.680 --> 00:27:55.119 it's a transition moment and it's a really nice time to reflect and look back 303 00:27:55.720 --> 00:28:02.359 but also to move forward. Yeah, exactly, wonderful last question, Katie, 304 00:28:02.359 --> 00:28:08.880 for you. So many of our listeners or mothers and what role do 305 00:28:08.920 --> 00:28:14.079 you think as much, I mean, as the mother myself of three teenagers, 306 00:28:14.200 --> 00:28:18.920 two of which are our young women. What advice would you give mothers 307 00:28:19.039 --> 00:28:27.119 to help their daughters sort of hold this negative self talk at bay, because, 308 00:28:27.119 --> 00:28:30.480 as you said, it's around us kind of everywhere. Yeah, And 309 00:28:30.759 --> 00:28:37.240 what can we do as mothers to really teach some of the skills more proactively? 310 00:28:37.720 --> 00:28:41.920 Yeah, to our daughters. So, if you are a mother to 311 00:28:41.920 --> 00:28:48.799 a child, but in particular a daughter, you were once a daughter your 312 00:28:48.880 --> 00:28:53.359 mother, I mean you still you still are. And whether that was a 313 00:28:55.319 --> 00:29:00.079 mother or a mother figure, you had older women in your life, yeah, 314 00:29:00.119 --> 00:29:04.559 who were modeling behavior, Yeah, like what it meant to be a 315 00:29:04.599 --> 00:29:10.119 woman in the world. Yes. And so while I am I wear my 316 00:29:10.400 --> 00:29:14.920 aunt status with pride, I am not a mother myself. I am a 317 00:29:15.000 --> 00:29:18.680 daughter, and I'm a granddaughter, and I'm a niece, and I'm a 318 00:29:18.680 --> 00:29:25.720 friend. And I believe that the best thing that we can do for our 319 00:29:25.799 --> 00:29:32.319 children, our younger generations, for each other is to kind of turn that 320 00:29:32.400 --> 00:29:37.359 advice of treat others how you want to be treated on a head, yes, 321 00:29:37.480 --> 00:29:41.039 and say, well, I know how I want to treat others like 322 00:29:41.119 --> 00:29:45.000 I know, I want to be a good mother, I want to be 323 00:29:45.039 --> 00:29:48.839 a good friend, and then getting clear on like what means how am I 324 00:29:48.880 --> 00:29:53.400 being that for myself? Yes? Because we learn, Yeah, and humans 325 00:29:53.559 --> 00:29:57.119 learn, like we were talking about, from what we see. It's sort 326 00:29:57.119 --> 00:30:03.759 of the like don't tell me, show me right, um saying. And 327 00:30:03.680 --> 00:30:11.400 the best thing that we can do is really model what it looks like to 328 00:30:12.599 --> 00:30:18.400 be the type of person that we needed when we were younger. That's a 329 00:30:18.440 --> 00:30:21.680 great, great point. Thank you Katie for being with us today. Oh 330 00:30:21.720 --> 00:30:25.119 my gosh, you are so welcome. This was such a such a joy. 331 00:30:25.200 --> 00:30:30.079 This is so much fun, and thank you for nesting. Thanks for 332 00:30:30.119 --> 00:30:33.720 listening. Please subscribe wherever you listen and leave us a review. Find your 333 00:30:33.759 --> 00:30:40.839 ideal coach at www dot vidmx dot com. Special thanks to our producer Martin 334 00:30:40.880 --> 00:30:41.880 Maluski and singer songwriter Doug Allen.