WEBVTT

1
00:00:03.640 --> 00:00:07.679
I'm Casey Tanner and I'm Camille Lewis. And this is safe word. Safe

2
00:00:07.719 --> 00:00:12.080
word is sex therapy unhinged because instead
of getting a blank slate that's just here

3
00:00:12.080 --> 00:00:15.439
to support you, we're telling you
the details on our own sex lives,

4
00:00:15.480 --> 00:00:19.480
relationships, identities, and more.
This isn't sex and it's not therapy,

5
00:00:19.760 --> 00:00:23.039
but we are a sex therapists and
what you hear today may excite you.

6
00:00:23.199 --> 00:00:26.719
Each week we tackle a thing related
to sex, relationships, gender, and

7
00:00:26.960 --> 00:01:07.719
more. This week we're diving into
bisexuality. M M, yeah, yeah,

8
00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:15.879
yeah, Kamil, you're bisexual.
I am represent this is my playground.

9
00:01:15.920 --> 00:01:19.599
I'm really excited to talk about this
with you. I'm excited to learn

10
00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:23.359
about this part of you. I
feel like we don't always talk about you

11
00:01:23.400 --> 00:01:27.000
in terms of your bisexuality. I
think because we're just close and don't have

12
00:01:27.040 --> 00:01:30.640
to talk about it that way.
But I'm excited to hear about this part

13
00:01:30.640 --> 00:01:33.719
of you. Me too, And
I'm excited to hear about your bisexual era.

14
00:01:34.159 --> 00:01:37.680
I did. I had a whole
bisexual era that I do want to

15
00:01:37.719 --> 00:01:41.480
talk about because I think a lot
of people have had a bisexual era.

16
00:01:41.799 --> 00:01:46.120
But I also think that that can
be used against the bisexual community to invalidate

17
00:01:46.159 --> 00:01:49.840
by identities. So yeah, let's
talk today about how both can be true.

18
00:01:51.359 --> 00:01:53.840
First, I don't know what mood
I'm in today, but it is

19
00:01:53.040 --> 00:01:59.239
more unhinged than usual. And so
I wanted to tell you about this text

20
00:01:59.319 --> 00:02:01.760
exchange I had with this guy.
Give it to me, Okay, I'm

21
00:02:01.799 --> 00:02:05.519
gonna pull it up so that I
get it right. So basically, he

22
00:02:05.599 --> 00:02:07.319
was sending me some pictures he's doing
like a press run and he has this

23
00:02:07.360 --> 00:02:10.800
picture with this really giant Teddy Bear
and I was like, bring me this.

24
00:02:12.000 --> 00:02:15.759
Then he sent little gifts of that
teddy Bear and then he said,

25
00:02:15.759 --> 00:02:17.439
would you ever wear one of these
with your partner? And I said,

26
00:02:17.520 --> 00:02:23.479
like for Halloween or on some furry
shit could be home for Halloween. Obviously

27
00:02:23.599 --> 00:02:25.199
not for Halloween. I don't know. I like, I don't, I

28
00:02:25.199 --> 00:02:29.599
don't. I'm trying to clarify.
And then he was like furry shit.

29
00:02:29.919 --> 00:02:32.400
Before I could even answer, he
goes, but I already know the answer.

30
00:02:32.439 --> 00:02:37.240
Of course you would, And I
was like, oh, you just

31
00:02:37.400 --> 00:02:42.120
look like somebody who would wear a
Teddy Bear outfit exactly. And I was

32
00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:46.439
just like yeah, like I just
run that's a compliment, I know.

33
00:02:46.599 --> 00:02:51.319
I was like, am I giving? Like I would try anything because I

34
00:02:51.319 --> 00:02:54.120
feel like that is true. You're
giving exactly who you are. I was

35
00:02:54.159 --> 00:02:57.840
like, hmm, how should I
feel about this? But then I was

36
00:02:57.879 --> 00:03:01.599
like, yeah, like bring it
up. Yes, so that and now

37
00:03:01.639 --> 00:03:06.919
my friends keep sending me Teddy Bear
mojis and things, so y'all will be

38
00:03:06.919 --> 00:03:08.879
the first to know I ever get
it pop in furry style. Yeah,

39
00:03:08.960 --> 00:03:14.199
please bring this back. Well,
I'm really missing you right now because and

40
00:03:14.240 --> 00:03:16.919
the listeners need to know that we
just spent a week together and it was

41
00:03:17.039 --> 00:03:23.680
so sweet. It was so amazing. It feels like it happened so quickly.

42
00:03:23.879 --> 00:03:25.400
I feel like it was a week, but it was so fast.

43
00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:30.479
Yeah, and I miss you and
I miss that house and just like playing

44
00:03:30.479 --> 00:03:35.080
in the water with our like water
sign energy, just splashing about next trip

45
00:03:35.159 --> 00:03:38.159
soon. Okay, Now for what
we're actually here for. Oh yeah,

46
00:03:38.159 --> 00:03:45.039
bisexuality. Wooo. Well. I
feel like for me, bisexual is the

47
00:03:45.240 --> 00:03:49.840
identity that really fits with me right
now, and also when I think about

48
00:03:49.879 --> 00:03:53.159
the history of my life and attraction, it fits the best for me.

49
00:03:53.240 --> 00:04:00.439
Like should I not say names of
elementary school crushes? I just remember in

50
00:04:00.599 --> 00:04:04.560
elementary school, this girl, her
name is Jasmine, that could be anybody,

51
00:04:04.599 --> 00:04:09.719
and she was just like so hot
to me, Like she was really

52
00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:14.439
dark skinned and she had like this
thick hair, always be an oppressed as

53
00:04:14.439 --> 00:04:16.800
she was kind of mask. I
loved her, I really did, and

54
00:04:16.879 --> 00:04:20.000
I was like, I don't know
what this is. I never really had

55
00:04:20.040 --> 00:04:25.439
like conversations about sexuality. I'd think
that that would be pretty rare thirty years

56
00:04:25.439 --> 00:04:29.600
ago, however old I am.
But then I also remember these two really

57
00:04:29.680 --> 00:04:32.240
intense crushes, so it was Jasmine
and Darren. When I think about what

58
00:04:32.360 --> 00:04:36.000
attraction has meant for me historically,
the first type of porn that I ever

59
00:04:36.040 --> 00:04:41.319
watched was strictly lesbian porn when I
would like stay up late and my aunties

60
00:04:41.360 --> 00:04:44.959
and cousins houses and like they had
all the channels and all the HBO stuff

61
00:04:45.000 --> 00:04:48.720
after dark. I feel like,
actually, more recently, I have stepped

62
00:04:48.800 --> 00:04:56.040
into naming bisexuality as like my identity
because I did feel which I think a

63
00:04:56.040 --> 00:04:59.759
lot of folks feel, as queer
imposter syndrome. What does this mean about

64
00:05:00.199 --> 00:05:03.639
my dating history? What does it
mean that I've primarily been in relationships with

65
00:05:03.759 --> 00:05:10.879
men? Do I feel like this
is enough when I know so deeply my

66
00:05:11.040 --> 00:05:14.600
relationships with women, in my attraction
to women is a really big part of

67
00:05:14.639 --> 00:05:18.079
who I am and how I see
sex and sexuality. And it's so interesting

68
00:05:18.120 --> 00:05:23.839
because it's part of I guess my
coming out story where my parents and I

69
00:05:23.879 --> 00:05:29.160
are really close and my mom was
like, so on your new website it

70
00:05:29.279 --> 00:05:33.800
says bisexual does and we're close,
but it's in the way of not sharing

71
00:05:33.879 --> 00:05:38.240
every intimate detail about dating and sex. It's like I didn't tell you because

72
00:05:38.240 --> 00:05:41.480
you wouldn't care. Right. My
dad has known best friends of mine for

73
00:05:41.560 --> 00:05:46.079
decades and feels like, how is
your friend? Uh? Never has called

74
00:05:46.079 --> 00:05:48.160
any other people I've dated by their
name, said the word boyfriend, said

75
00:05:48.199 --> 00:05:53.879
the word partner right there. It's
not actually like they're microaggressing you or your

76
00:05:53.920 --> 00:05:56.959
partners. It's just that this is
what closeness looks like for you. All.

77
00:05:57.120 --> 00:05:58.959
Yeah, And I feel like that's
like a black thing too, Like

78
00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:01.399
black family is like how I was
your little friend? Us their name and

79
00:06:01.399 --> 00:06:04.160
I'm like, you know, right, there are names. I used to

80
00:06:04.240 --> 00:06:08.519
date a guy named Michael. My
dad's name is Michael. You know his

81
00:06:08.639 --> 00:06:13.160
name? You know his name.
It's a power moves it is, and

82
00:06:13.199 --> 00:06:15.120
it's just like we just we don't
do all of that. Yeah, no,

83
00:06:15.199 --> 00:06:18.040
I think that makes sense. That's
my vibe. Shout out to Jasmine

84
00:06:18.040 --> 00:06:23.839
and Darren. I hope y'all are
doing well. I'm dead. When I

85
00:06:23.879 --> 00:06:26.759
think about my bisexual era, which
I've never called it that before, but

86
00:06:26.800 --> 00:06:30.079
I'm really loving it right now.
Well, first, I think about how

87
00:06:30.279 --> 00:06:32.879
much pressure there is as a queer
person, probably any person, to have

88
00:06:33.120 --> 00:06:38.360
like a cohesive narrative about your sexuality. And I think I really wanted that

89
00:06:38.399 --> 00:06:40.920
at first, and I was like, okay, so I so I was

90
00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:46.680
acting straight, and then I thought
maybe I also like women. So I

91
00:06:46.680 --> 00:06:49.040
started dating men and women. I
thought I still liked men. Then I

92
00:06:49.079 --> 00:06:54.480
realized I only like women. So
now I'm a lesbian and that for you

93
00:06:54.519 --> 00:06:57.879
know, in my maybe ten years
ago, that felt like a cohesive narrative

94
00:06:57.920 --> 00:07:00.439
that was easy for people to understand, and probably you know, it makes

95
00:07:00.439 --> 00:07:03.680
sense that I wanted that people were
having a very hard time understanding me.

96
00:07:04.040 --> 00:07:09.040
I wanted something simple. I think
that's okay, But I love that now

97
00:07:09.079 --> 00:07:12.600
that I have more queer confidence,
there's more room for nuance in that narrative

98
00:07:12.920 --> 00:07:16.120
that you know, probably I was
bisexual, Like I think that's actually just

99
00:07:16.399 --> 00:07:20.879
accurate. I wasn't faking my relationships
with men during that time in my life.

100
00:07:21.000 --> 00:07:27.319
I was exploring both, and ultimately
things shifted, and I've lately felt

101
00:07:27.360 --> 00:07:30.279
like dating men hasn't been feeling as
aligned for me. But I definitely had

102
00:07:30.279 --> 00:07:33.800
a bisexual era. And the most
epic moment of that era I can think

103
00:07:33.800 --> 00:07:36.600
of is when I was a senior
in college. I had kind of been

104
00:07:36.639 --> 00:07:40.040
seeing this man, I'd kind of
been seeing this woman. I was interested

105
00:07:40.040 --> 00:07:43.399
in both, like your situation,
except for as an adult, and I

106
00:07:43.439 --> 00:07:47.120
went to this improv show in Chicago, lots of big improv scene in Chicago.

107
00:07:47.480 --> 00:07:49.759
I was an obnoxious theater kid,
so and they're like, does anyone

108
00:07:49.759 --> 00:07:53.839
want to come on stage and tell
us about, you know, about their

109
00:07:53.959 --> 00:07:55.879
day. I was like, me, me, me, me MEI so

110
00:07:55.959 --> 00:07:58.639
that called me up. I told
them about how I'm like trying to decide

111
00:07:58.680 --> 00:08:01.000
between these two people with two differ
French genders, and then they proceeded to

112
00:08:01.040 --> 00:08:07.560
act out dream sequence based off of
my bisexuality. That was a zombie apocalypse

113
00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:11.160
where on one side of the stage
was a male zombie and the other side

114
00:08:11.160 --> 00:08:13.120
of the stage was a woman zombie
and they were both trying to eat me.

115
00:08:13.360 --> 00:08:18.279
That was, to me, the
best representation of my bisexuality. I

116
00:08:18.360 --> 00:08:22.519
love that. I feel like I
really relate what you said about having a

117
00:08:22.600 --> 00:08:24.680
narrative around your sexuality because I feel
like even when I was talking, I

118
00:08:24.800 --> 00:08:26.879
was like, how do I make
this make sense? Right? Then?

119
00:08:26.920 --> 00:08:31.600
How do I like share this and
how do I make this so that people

120
00:08:31.600 --> 00:08:35.919
will resonate with it when it's like
it's not even something that I fully have

121
00:08:35.000 --> 00:08:39.759
like beautiful, artsy language around And
I think that sometimes there can be pressure

122
00:08:39.960 --> 00:08:43.480
for that. I think that's maybe
pressure that comes with a lot of different

123
00:08:43.480 --> 00:08:46.159
marginalized identities. Is like I have
to be able to make you understand this,

124
00:08:46.200 --> 00:08:48.879
whether or not that's authentic for me. But yeah, like, why

125
00:08:48.919 --> 00:08:52.200
can't we just be messy? Part
of what I was thinking as I was

126
00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:56.360
sharing is how do I talk about
this without reinforcing the myth that bisexuality is

127
00:08:56.360 --> 00:09:01.639
a phase? Yeah? Yeah,
because that's why I loved the word era

128
00:09:01.759 --> 00:09:05.320
that you used, because phase,
to me, is this invalidating word that

129
00:09:05.360 --> 00:09:09.759
says this is transient, potentially something
you choose something to quote unquote grow out

130
00:09:09.799 --> 00:09:13.879
of but era is like, this
is what's authentic, and I'm open to

131
00:09:13.919 --> 00:09:16.840
what's authentic acts whether it's this or
something else. I love that language.

132
00:09:18.039 --> 00:09:20.440
When I was in middle school,
there was this girl, her name was

133
00:09:20.559 --> 00:09:24.399
Gia. I'm just referencing to all
the people. She was out as bisexual,

134
00:09:24.440 --> 00:09:26.039
and I was like mesmerized by this
girl. I probably had a crush

135
00:09:26.080 --> 00:09:30.440
on her. But I think everybody
lay up the phase part of it,

136
00:09:30.600 --> 00:09:33.279
or like a gateway into straight this
and we think about gender at least like

137
00:09:33.360 --> 00:09:39.639
from a stereotypical perspective, bisexuality for
women has been talked about is like this

138
00:09:39.720 --> 00:09:43.320
is just a phase until you're straight, and for men, this is a

139
00:09:43.360 --> 00:09:46.320
just a phase until you're until you're
a gay are queer. So I think

140
00:09:46.320 --> 00:09:48.879
that that is something that comes up
too well, which is actually, if

141
00:09:48.919 --> 00:09:52.480
you think about it, just misogyny
either way. At the end of the

142
00:09:52.559 --> 00:10:01.279
day, you're just attracted to men
for bot right period. All right,

143
00:10:01.360 --> 00:10:05.679
let's get at these questions. Yeah, let's do it. Does bisexuality usually

144
00:10:05.720 --> 00:10:11.200
develop after sexual trauma were distrussed with
the opposite sex. I hear these sorts

145
00:10:11.200 --> 00:10:20.039
of questions about trauma related sexuality or
trauma related curiosities, kinks, BDSM,

146
00:10:20.120 --> 00:10:22.279
queerness. It's hard to kind of
talk about. On the one end,

147
00:10:22.360 --> 00:10:26.519
it's like, no, this doesn't
happen as a result of trauma, but

148
00:10:26.559 --> 00:10:30.159
it also could be It could happen
as a result of trauma and be like,

149
00:10:30.360 --> 00:10:33.240
I had really fucked up experiences with
this type of person, and I

150
00:10:33.279 --> 00:10:37.639
want to do everything that I can
to avoid it. And I think that

151
00:10:37.639 --> 00:10:41.799
that can be incredibly adaptive and liberating. I agree. Potentially somebody has like

152
00:10:41.799 --> 00:10:46.559
a natural proclivity to being attracted to
multiple genders. Maybe they then have a

153
00:10:46.600 --> 00:10:50.399
traumatic experience with one gender and they
hadn't really taken the time to consider what

154
00:10:50.399 --> 00:10:54.360
it would be like to explore something
with another gender before, but now they

155
00:10:54.360 --> 00:10:56.600
are. Maybe the trauma is opening
the door to that exploration. It's not

156
00:10:56.600 --> 00:11:01.279
that the queerness wasn't there before,
but I think because of compulsive heteronormativity,

157
00:11:01.279 --> 00:11:05.799
we're socialized not to think about it. But maybe the trauma makes you think

158
00:11:05.840 --> 00:11:09.159
about it, and maybe that's what
opens the door to exploring it. Trauma

159
00:11:09.200 --> 00:11:13.200
doesn't make you queer, but potentially
it opens the door to exploration that maybe

160
00:11:13.200 --> 00:11:18.000
wouldn't have happened had the trauma not
occurred. And that's true with sexuality after

161
00:11:18.039 --> 00:11:20.240
trauma. That's true with life after
trauma. Right. It opens all sorts

162
00:11:20.279 --> 00:11:24.519
of doors to explore things we've hadn't
before. And I also think if other

163
00:11:24.600 --> 00:11:28.639
people are telling you that this is
what's true, then to me, that's

164
00:11:28.679 --> 00:11:33.120
just homophobia internalized by phobia purity culture
at its finest right. People would love

165
00:11:33.360 --> 00:11:39.600
to pathologize queerness and bisexuality and make
it about something bad happened to you.

166
00:11:39.679 --> 00:11:43.519
My parents did the same thing when
I came out, and that is just

167
00:11:43.799 --> 00:11:46.639
invalidating. That is nobody's story to
make up and tell. If that's your

168
00:11:46.720 --> 00:11:52.639
narrative, okay, but that's no
one else's to project onto you say that.

169
00:11:56.600 --> 00:12:01.679
Our next question is asking about balancing
straight privilege and by visibility within straight

170
00:12:01.759 --> 00:12:05.000
hit partnership. Any thoughts on this. Yeah, So, first off,

171
00:12:05.039 --> 00:12:09.279
if you're buy, you're not in
a straight hit partnership unless for some reason

172
00:12:09.320 --> 00:12:11.399
that's the language that feels good to
you. You might be in a partnership

173
00:12:11.440 --> 00:12:16.240
that gets perceived as heterosexual a lot. And yeah, I think the word

174
00:12:16.240 --> 00:12:18.559
balance is key. It is about
holding both of those things. It's true,

175
00:12:18.679 --> 00:12:24.440
it is true that invisibility is extremely
real and it's extremely painful. It

176
00:12:24.440 --> 00:12:30.759
has immense negative mental health outcomes associated
with it. It's also true that being

177
00:12:30.759 --> 00:12:35.960
in a relationship perceived as a straight
relationship can come with its privileges, and

178
00:12:35.000 --> 00:12:39.759
I think that one doesn't negate the
other. They're both true. Does mean

179
00:12:39.799 --> 00:12:43.919
that there is more thoughtfulness that might
come into navigating certain queer spaces. But

180
00:12:45.000 --> 00:12:48.600
I think every single queer person,
regardless of what kind of relationship they're in,

181
00:12:48.639 --> 00:12:52.600
should be extremely thoughtful about their positionality
in queer spaces, right, not

182
00:12:52.679 --> 00:12:58.000
just by people in hit relationships,
but me maybe going into queer spaces that

183
00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:00.399
are made for black and brown people. Right. There's so many any ways

184
00:13:00.399 --> 00:13:03.240
that we should be thoughtful, and
it's not silo to buy people in the

185
00:13:03.279 --> 00:13:11.399
relationship that you're describing. I mean, I just simply agree. We're going

186
00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:15.960
to take a quick break to talk
about an amazing new show. Come as

187
00:13:16.000 --> 00:13:18.679
you are. If you recognize that
phrase, you're probably right. It's the

188
00:13:18.799 --> 00:13:24.519
amazing Emily Nagaski as your host.
This is a book that actually was just

189
00:13:24.679 --> 00:13:30.240
my sex bible for the first many
years that I was exploring my sexuality,

190
00:13:30.360 --> 00:13:33.039
getting to know who I am It's
a book I reference so many times when

191
00:13:33.080 --> 00:13:39.919
I'm teaching clients about things like desire, arousal, non concordance. Completely changed

192
00:13:39.039 --> 00:13:43.639
my life, and I imagine this
podcast will too. Educator and best selling

193
00:13:43.679 --> 00:13:48.279
author doctor Emily Nagaski answers questions about
sex with the latest science on her new

194
00:13:48.320 --> 00:13:52.000
podcast, Come As You Are Get
a modern guide to sexual well being,

195
00:13:52.200 --> 00:13:56.039
backed by groundbreaking research about desire,
anatomy, orgasm, and much more.

196
00:13:56.399 --> 00:14:01.120
In conversation with her producer Emily de
punks cultural myths and flips the script on

197
00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:05.799
everything you thought you knew about sex
and sexuality. Listen to Come As you

198
00:14:05.840 --> 00:14:09.240
Are wherever you get your podcasts and
unlock your most pleasurable life in the bedroom

199
00:14:09.279 --> 00:14:18.279
and beyond. How do some bisexual
people manage grief and expression in monogamous hat

200
00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:24.279
relationships similar vibe managing grief? A
big part of it, at least for

201
00:14:24.440 --> 00:14:31.399
me and my personal experience, is
acknowledging it with my partner and naming it

202
00:14:31.440 --> 00:14:35.600
as grief, because sometimes it's just
like, why do I maybe feel this

203
00:14:35.879 --> 00:14:39.279
dysregulation in my body? Why am
I not really able to sink into comfort?

204
00:14:39.399 --> 00:14:43.360
Like I think A part of it
is in a monogamous relationship, Like,

205
00:14:43.440 --> 00:14:50.480
what are the conversations that you're having
that can validate and make your bisexuality

206
00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:54.639
visible and to name that you're mourning
it and having a partner that holds space

207
00:14:54.679 --> 00:14:56.799
for that grief as not a rejection
of them, but just a part of

208
00:14:56.840 --> 00:15:01.320
your process. And I think that
that's really important. I've been in relationships

209
00:15:01.559 --> 00:15:05.279
that were damaging my sexuality and understanding
of myself and my identity being and flowing

210
00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:11.440
and telling my sis het boyfriend like, yeah, I'm bisexual and like being

211
00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:13.559
like yeah, like I've said that, I've talked about threesomes that I've had,

212
00:15:13.559 --> 00:15:16.679
I've talked about dating women, hooking
up with women. So this is

213
00:15:16.720 --> 00:15:18.679
something that he knew. But when
I said that, He's like, no,

214
00:15:18.759 --> 00:15:22.480
you're not, and I was just
like I was like, yeah,

215
00:15:22.480 --> 00:15:24.120
I am, And he just like
completely invalidated it for me. And I

216
00:15:24.159 --> 00:15:26.960
think that in that moment, like
it just felt so confusing because I'm like,

217
00:15:28.039 --> 00:15:31.519
here, I am having told you
about like you've known this information about

218
00:15:31.519 --> 00:15:35.360
me, but when I say this
word, it's just really stricken down.

219
00:15:35.480 --> 00:15:37.480
A big part of it would be
having a partner who feels supportive to you

220
00:15:37.480 --> 00:15:43.080
and a partner who can hold space
for that and doesn't feel threatened by that,

221
00:15:43.240 --> 00:15:48.360
and so that when you grieve and
you can do so in a safe

222
00:15:48.360 --> 00:15:52.919
space and also acknowledge the different ways
that your bisexuality can be experienced even within

223
00:15:54.000 --> 00:15:56.600
the context of this relationship, and
there's ways to get creative around that.

224
00:15:56.840 --> 00:16:03.159
Yeah, I completely agree sexuality is
not confined to behavior. So your behavior

225
00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:07.360
might be, you know, a
monogamous sexual relationship within this partnership you're describing,

226
00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:11.159
But what is the agreement that you
and your partner partners have around talking

227
00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:15.960
about attraction Because it could be really
it could be really stifling if you,

228
00:16:17.080 --> 00:16:19.000
let's see, you walk down the
street, you see somebody of the same

229
00:16:19.039 --> 00:16:23.080
gender that you find really, really
hot. Do you feel permission to still

230
00:16:23.159 --> 00:16:26.679
be within that part of view and
to talk about that and to say that,

231
00:16:26.720 --> 00:16:30.279
because that could be incredibly freeing.
The other thing is that I think

232
00:16:30.279 --> 00:16:36.679
that grief within monogamy is something that
everybody experiences within monogamy, whether they know

233
00:16:36.759 --> 00:16:38.480
it or not, or whether they
feel permission to talk about it or not.

234
00:16:38.879 --> 00:16:44.159
I'm obsessed with my partner, as
you all know, and I still

235
00:16:44.200 --> 00:16:48.120
have grief as we get more and
more committed about never having a new relationship

236
00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:52.360
energy stage again. And just because
I'm not having grief about no longer dating

237
00:16:52.360 --> 00:16:56.159
a particular gender doesn't mean that I
don't have grief about dating somebody with a

238
00:16:56.200 --> 00:17:00.799
particular orientation to sex, or dating
somebody who's maybe in a more creative field.

239
00:17:00.879 --> 00:17:04.480
Right. The experience of grief is
one that is universal as it relates

240
00:17:04.480 --> 00:17:08.440
to monogamy in a lot of ways. Yeah, And I really love how

241
00:17:08.440 --> 00:17:12.680
you frame that too, because I
think that because we are so socially obsessed

242
00:17:12.720 --> 00:17:17.319
with monogamy that it's like, once
you have it, you should cling onto

243
00:17:17.359 --> 00:17:19.119
it and you've made it like you've
arrived, right, And I think that

244
00:17:19.200 --> 00:17:25.359
it's like that's so mythical because there
is so much grief. That isn't the

245
00:17:25.400 --> 00:17:27.279
only way to be in relationship or
partnership, That isn't the only way to

246
00:17:27.359 --> 00:17:30.200
love, That isn't the only way
to fuck, right. Because it's also

247
00:17:30.440 --> 00:17:36.759
this like huge invalidation that we use
against buy folks by saying like you're you're

248
00:17:37.119 --> 00:17:41.039
a flight risk. You're flight risk
because you're always going to be missing what

249
00:17:41.079 --> 00:17:42.119
you don't have, and it's like, okay, well, we're all fucking

250
00:17:42.160 --> 00:17:48.119
flight risks. Then, because we're
all we're all losing something when we choose

251
00:17:48.119 --> 00:17:53.200
something else. That's just always going
to be the case. Let's get into

252
00:17:53.279 --> 00:17:59.519
this next question. Is it possible
to be sexually attracted to women and romantically

253
00:17:59.519 --> 00:18:03.799
attracted to men? Yes, of
course it is. Attraction is multidimensional.

254
00:18:03.839 --> 00:18:07.920
There's all sorts of ways we can
be attracted to people. I don't think

255
00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:11.839
we should expect ourselves to be attracted
to one person or one gender the same

256
00:18:11.839 --> 00:18:15.759
way that we're attracted to anyone else. I would probably describe myself in a

257
00:18:15.799 --> 00:18:18.720
similar way. I think I am
sometimes romantically attracted to men. I think

258
00:18:18.720 --> 00:18:23.400
probably in a lot of ways,
because I was socialized to think about romanticism

259
00:18:23.519 --> 00:18:29.640
as this interaction between masculinity and femininity, and I think that's, you know,

260
00:18:29.720 --> 00:18:33.839
somewhat ingrained. But I'm not sexually
attracted to men. So yeah,

261
00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:36.519
I mean, I absolutely think that
this can be the case, and probably

262
00:18:36.599 --> 00:18:41.799
is more common than not. I've
written enough posts on Instagram about bisexuality that

263
00:18:41.839 --> 00:18:45.279
I can anticipate like what the comments
would be on our response. So I'm

264
00:18:45.319 --> 00:18:48.720
going to say this, like caveat
right here is do you think that there

265
00:18:48.759 --> 00:18:55.599
are some cases where people are saying
I'm sexually attracted to women but otherwise attracted

266
00:18:55.640 --> 00:19:00.599
to men, where it maybe is
worth a conversation about compulsive heteronormativity, right,

267
00:19:00.680 --> 00:19:03.440
like just just asking yourself the question, because I do think that our

268
00:19:03.480 --> 00:19:08.559
culture sexualizes women romanticizes men, and
so it's just worth interrogating that part of

269
00:19:08.559 --> 00:19:11.920
yourself. And if you still land
on that being true for you, great.

270
00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:18.440
Is it fairer to have different dating
standards for different genders? Camille?

271
00:19:18.559 --> 00:19:22.319
This is perfect for you. It's
so funny. We're together last week,

272
00:19:22.559 --> 00:19:26.519
we're talking about we were talking about
this at dinner with mel Right, yeah,

273
00:19:26.559 --> 00:19:33.119
I think sure, And I think
the interrogation of the self that you

274
00:19:33.200 --> 00:19:37.039
mentioned is necessary here. I think
I'm gonna put words in your mouth.

275
00:19:37.039 --> 00:19:38.799
But when I date women, know, there's a lot of flexibility around X

276
00:19:38.920 --> 00:19:44.200
y Z. When I date men, they have to be rich. Yeah,

277
00:19:44.279 --> 00:19:48.440
right, Like that's a different aspectation
too much. No, no,

278
00:19:48.440 --> 00:19:53.599
no, no, no, I
mean the people should know that is definitely

279
00:19:53.640 --> 00:19:57.079
my standard for dating men. But
then I also have a lot of flexibility

280
00:19:57.079 --> 00:20:00.640
with what type of men. I
used to be very predictable. I wanted

281
00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:07.400
really tall, really tall rich guy
and now I date short rich guys.

282
00:20:07.480 --> 00:20:11.200
Your type has totally changed for women. It's like all over the board.

283
00:20:11.319 --> 00:20:15.640
Bet from the L word is still
my old limmate ultimate in every way.

284
00:20:15.799 --> 00:20:19.279
I think maybe it's worth us taking
a second to also emphasize that, at

285
00:20:19.319 --> 00:20:23.440
least, like my stark belief,
is that being bisexual does not mean that

286
00:20:23.519 --> 00:20:26.799
you believe that gender is a binary, and so we can also talk about

287
00:20:26.799 --> 00:20:30.559
how maybe you have romantic attraction to
men and sexual attracted to women, but

288
00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:36.440
both with non binary people such a
range of genders and such a range of

289
00:20:36.519 --> 00:20:40.519
gender expressions. I think that the
large majority of the time by folks are

290
00:20:40.720 --> 00:20:44.680
incredibly affirming of trans non binary identities. And it's sort of a myth that

291
00:20:44.920 --> 00:20:48.640
buy and bisexual is in reference to
two genders, when I think it's actually

292
00:20:48.880 --> 00:20:56.359
more like I'm attracted to my gender, I'm attracted to other genders. Next

293
00:20:56.480 --> 00:21:00.680
question, what are your thoughts on
having sex with men? It's a lesbian.

294
00:21:00.920 --> 00:21:03.000
This person says that they feel dirty
for wanting it. Well, this

295
00:21:03.119 --> 00:21:07.440
brings me back to the first time
I was almost canceled, which is when

296
00:21:07.599 --> 00:21:10.680
I said it was okay to be
a lesbian that sometimes has sex with men,

297
00:21:10.799 --> 00:21:14.720
and Instagram came after me and I
was talking about myself. I was

298
00:21:14.720 --> 00:21:17.119
talking about my own experience, and
I had so many comments being like,

299
00:21:17.119 --> 00:21:21.519
you're not really a lesbian. I
completely disagree with that. Your sexual orientation

300
00:21:21.880 --> 00:21:25.119
is an identity, it's an internal
sense of self. It is not behavior.

301
00:21:25.200 --> 00:21:29.440
There are people who are queer their
entire lives and never have sex with

302
00:21:29.519 --> 00:21:32.960
somebody of the same gender, and
it doesn't make them any less queer.

303
00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:36.039
So we'll get that out of the
way. Now, why might this be

304
00:21:36.119 --> 00:21:37.440
the case? I don't know.
For you, I can talk about why

305
00:21:37.440 --> 00:21:41.720
it could be the case for me. Why I still sometimes fantasize about sex

306
00:21:41.720 --> 00:21:48.160
with men, even as a lesbian. Sometimes I just want a really outward

307
00:21:48.240 --> 00:21:53.160
expression of arousal that almost nothing can
mirror, like a hard penis for me,

308
00:21:53.440 --> 00:22:00.240
right, Like that might be a
reason sometimes when I'm in between relationships

309
00:22:00.279 --> 00:22:03.759
with women, I need a palate
cleanser, you know, just a little

310
00:22:03.839 --> 00:22:10.400
palate cleanser. Or maybe I just
want something that feels easy, and honestly,

311
00:22:10.559 --> 00:22:14.839
I find that pleasing men's sexually is
a lot easier. Of course,

312
00:22:14.839 --> 00:22:18.960
that we can't generalize, but that's
been my experience. So those could be

313
00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:22.400
some reasons why I'd be curious about
other people's reasons why. I mean,

314
00:22:22.519 --> 00:22:26.720
I love what you're saying about sexuality
not being behavior. Your identity gets to

315
00:22:26.720 --> 00:22:30.839
be yours. You get to decide, You get to decide what language is

316
00:22:30.920 --> 00:22:33.119
most salient for you, makes the
most sense for you, and land's the

317
00:22:33.160 --> 00:22:37.839
best for you. Wanting to have
sex with men I think can come from

318
00:22:37.079 --> 00:22:41.759
really rigid ideas of these identities also
in the queer community, in the lesbian

319
00:22:41.799 --> 00:22:47.119
community, like I think maybe you
feel dirty for wanting this because there's been

320
00:22:47.240 --> 00:22:52.000
language around what it means for lesbians
to want this, what it means potentially,

321
00:22:52.039 --> 00:22:56.079
I think that this could be like
the like biphobia part of it too,

322
00:22:56.160 --> 00:22:59.359
of like oh, you just can't
pick a lane, and like then

323
00:22:59.359 --> 00:23:02.440
you're unreliable, than you're a flight
risk, than you're all of these things,

324
00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:06.559
which is just really just like I
just I get horny like everybody or

325
00:23:06.640 --> 00:23:11.799
like most people, and I sometimes
want to think about having sex with this

326
00:23:11.839 --> 00:23:15.319
type of person because it's intriguing to
me, because it feels familiar to me,

327
00:23:15.440 --> 00:23:18.960
because it evokes something in me.
There's also that a harmful myth that

328
00:23:19.119 --> 00:23:23.759
by people are more likely to spread
STIs, which is just not true the

329
00:23:23.839 --> 00:23:27.720
connection that our culture makes between STIs
and dirtiness. I wonder if there's something

330
00:23:27.720 --> 00:23:36.440
to that too here, How is
it experienced differently among genders because of gender

331
00:23:36.559 --> 00:23:41.200
stereotypes? And I assume that it
they mean bisexuality? Okay, I think

332
00:23:41.200 --> 00:23:47.920
I kind of touched on this earlier. Bisexuality can be experienced differently because of

333
00:23:48.119 --> 00:23:52.079
the internalized misogyny that you talked about
and the lack of permission given two men

334
00:23:52.160 --> 00:23:56.160
to experiment. I wonder too if
it's not just different experiences depending on gender,

335
00:23:56.160 --> 00:24:00.480
but also maybe even depending on gender
expression. This is something heard from

336
00:24:00.480 --> 00:24:03.039
some of my beautiful by friends when
they are thinking about the way that they're

337
00:24:03.039 --> 00:24:06.880
perceived in the world depending on who
they're with at the time, also the

338
00:24:06.920 --> 00:24:10.359
way that they express themselves and the
way that people perceive them based on the

339
00:24:10.359 --> 00:24:14.039
intersection of their gender expression and their
bisexuality. Yeah, there are a lot

340
00:24:14.119 --> 00:24:21.359
of individual differences and differences across gender. Yeah. Good point. Okay,

341
00:24:21.359 --> 00:24:25.559
So our next question says, what
about dealing with home of other parents who

342
00:24:25.799 --> 00:24:30.920
accept their queer identity but are relieved
that this person is dating a man.

343
00:24:30.519 --> 00:24:34.160
I've seen all kinds of flavors of
this with clients. It's like, except

344
00:24:34.200 --> 00:24:37.359
my queer identity. Now they're relieved
I'm dating a man. When I was

345
00:24:37.400 --> 00:24:41.799
in my bisexual era, I started
dating a feminine man, and my mom's

346
00:24:41.839 --> 00:24:45.359
like, this just makes so much
sense. You're getting both at the same

347
00:24:45.400 --> 00:24:47.799
time, and I'm like, you're
kind of onto something. But the fact

348
00:24:47.799 --> 00:24:51.759
that you're the one who said it
makes me hate it. It's giving Laura,

349
00:24:51.799 --> 00:24:57.240
La and Emily I've also heard I
did all this work to come out

350
00:24:57.240 --> 00:25:00.519
as queer. My family repped their
heads around. Now I'm dating a man,

351
00:25:00.799 --> 00:25:03.240
and my family is like, oh, I guess it was a phase

352
00:25:03.279 --> 00:25:08.240
all along, right, Because it's
like families really not understanding the difference between

353
00:25:08.440 --> 00:25:14.880
behavior and sexual orientation, and maybe
that's the conversation that you can have with

354
00:25:14.920 --> 00:25:18.680
them, is trying to help them
understand that difference. It's something that I

355
00:25:18.799 --> 00:25:22.480
only started to understand two years ago, so I'm guessing my six year old

356
00:25:22.519 --> 00:25:26.599
mother probably doesn't understand and deserves a
chance at understanding it, So that might

357
00:25:26.640 --> 00:25:32.000
be a conversation that you have.
The relief part is really hard because how

358
00:25:32.119 --> 00:25:36.880
you change those feelings, you may
never change those feelings. They may always

359
00:25:36.920 --> 00:25:41.960
be relieved that you are in a
relationship that's perceived by them or extended family

360
00:25:42.119 --> 00:25:48.079
or their friends as straight, and
that dissonance can be really disconnective. And

361
00:25:48.160 --> 00:25:52.519
so that might even be something you
say, like I'm talking to my mom

362
00:25:52.599 --> 00:25:56.240
right now. Mom, you might
be relieved about this, and like that's

363
00:25:56.279 --> 00:26:00.640
your prerogative based off your belief system, but expressions of that relief or like

364
00:26:00.799 --> 00:26:04.480
demonstrating that in front of me really
makes me feel disconnected from you, because

365
00:26:04.480 --> 00:26:08.680
that is not how I feel in
this relationship. So fine, you're going

366
00:26:08.680 --> 00:26:11.920
to feel what you're going to feel, but know that that's going to that's

367
00:26:11.960 --> 00:26:15.319
going to disconnect us if that's the
way that you talk about it with me.

368
00:26:15.920 --> 00:26:21.200
It's like the relief that feels insidious, Like then you can conternalize it.

369
00:26:21.319 --> 00:26:25.359
They are experiencing relief because now they
are perceiving me as straight. What

370
00:26:25.400 --> 00:26:29.000
does that mean about me? You
get to have an identity that feels salient

371
00:26:29.039 --> 00:26:33.119
and important and captures you regardless of
who you are dating. Yeah, and

372
00:26:33.160 --> 00:26:37.079
you may be feeling, you know, anything but relief, right Like they

373
00:26:37.160 --> 00:26:41.559
might be feeling relief and you might
be feeling really scared about what this means

374
00:26:41.599 --> 00:26:45.759
about queer spaces or how other people
are going to perceive you. And that

375
00:26:45.920 --> 00:26:48.480
also brings up some of the grief
components, right, It is like you

376
00:26:48.519 --> 00:26:53.599
also get to grieve that you don't
have control over how other people perceive you,

377
00:26:53.640 --> 00:26:57.160
but it doesn't make things any less
valid. You're on fire today.

378
00:26:57.240 --> 00:27:03.440
Case, thanks Camille cute. Maybe
if we could do a little wrap up

379
00:27:03.519 --> 00:27:08.759
with some love for by folks,
some strengths and resiliencies of by folks,

380
00:27:08.880 --> 00:27:14.160
some little podcast aftercare, if you
will. Yeah. I love the way

381
00:27:14.240 --> 00:27:19.680
that my bye friends hold so much
nuance in the way that they express their

382
00:27:19.720 --> 00:27:26.000
gender and sexuality. I love watching
them develop more confidence as they lean into

383
00:27:26.039 --> 00:27:30.240
their bisexual identity because what may have
at one point been contingent on acting a

384
00:27:30.240 --> 00:27:36.200
certain way or dating a certain person
now isn't. And seeing that confidence in

385
00:27:36.240 --> 00:27:41.880
their ability to just know who they
are. Yeah, all that is so

386
00:27:42.000 --> 00:27:49.599
sweet And I agree. And I'm
extending the same love to myself and by

387
00:27:49.799 --> 00:27:55.799
community and friends, and I do
posts on Instagram about bisexuality and I really

388
00:27:55.839 --> 00:28:00.319
like to see their resonance that it
is creating wrong, like the people in

389
00:28:00.480 --> 00:28:07.359
the comments, So anybody in this
community who is holding space for themselves and

390
00:28:07.640 --> 00:28:11.559
getting more and more permission to feel
more confident. I love you, and

391
00:28:11.599 --> 00:28:17.079
I think that is really wonderful that
we get to be this and honor this

392
00:28:17.200 --> 00:28:22.799
in ourselves. And just as a
reminder that like what you experience about fantasy,

393
00:28:22.880 --> 00:28:27.759
what you do in your dating life, any of that is always it's

394
00:28:27.759 --> 00:28:33.000
always okay, pretty much, it's
always okay, and it doesn't make you

395
00:28:33.079 --> 00:28:37.359
anymore or less buy and you can
be by for as long as you want,

396
00:28:37.400 --> 00:28:41.000
and maybe that's forever, and maybe
you just have a powerful By Eeralight

397
00:28:41.079 --> 00:28:52.839
Casey. This week's safe Word is
Pumpernical, recommended by out Here Forever.

398
00:28:52.119 --> 00:28:56.119
Safe Word is hosted by Casey Tanner
and Kamil Lewis and is produced by coordinator

399
00:28:56.119 --> 00:29:00.799
et Townsend. Our theme song is
written formed by Emma Jane and Toria Rainey.

400
00:29:02.200 --> 00:29:04.359
To support the show, please follow
us on Spotify and take a moment

401
00:29:04.440 --> 00:29:08.599
right now to give us five stars. We love rave reviews on Apple Podcasts

402
00:29:08.680 --> 00:29:14.400
or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Every other week we put a question box

403
00:29:14.480 --> 00:29:18.680
out on Instagram giving you the opportunity
to ask for advice on the topic.

404
00:29:18.759 --> 00:29:22.279
End hand to submit long form questions
in writing or in your own voice.

405
00:29:22.559 --> 00:29:26.119
Go to the Safe Word or Queer
Sex Therapy Instagram page and click on our

406
00:29:26.200 --> 00:29:30.440
link tree in the bio to write
out those longer form questions. If anything

407
00:29:30.480 --> 00:29:34.440
today made you curious about seeking support, the Expansive Group has a great team

408
00:29:34.440 --> 00:29:38.640
of therapists and mentors to discuss challenges
you might be facing. Go to the

409
00:29:38.759 --> 00:29:44.119
expansivegroup dot com, submit a contact
form and we'll help you get connected or

410
00:29:44.240 --> 00:29:48.079
behind the scenes look at safe Word
and podcasts updates. Find us on Instagram

411
00:29:48.119 --> 00:29:51.759
at safe Word Pod. We'll be
back in two weeks with a new episode

412
00:29:51.759 --> 00:29:52.519
of Safe Word

