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You're listening to kaf I Am six
forty on demand. Kaf I Am six

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forty. You are listening to Doctor
Wendy Walsh. This is the Doctor Wendy

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Walls Show. Welcome to the show. Okay, sit back, because for

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the next two hours I want to
talk about your love life. You know,

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it's something really interesting. I've producer
Kayla with me right now. Kayla,

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do you find that when you tell
people you work on the Doctor Wendy

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Walls Show, do they often say, oh, she talks about sex.

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Do you get that lot? Yeah? I do. And it's so weird

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because only every once in a while
do I talk about sex. I'm not

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a sex therapist. I'm not a
sexologist. I haven't have a PhD in

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clinical psychology. I've written a few
books on relationships, but I rarely talk

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about sex unless it's in the context
of relationship skills, like when is the

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right time in a relationship to have
sex for the first time, well after

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you've built trust. But I don't
give plumbing tips. I don't know why

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people always you know what. I
actually ran in to Mark Thompson in the

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hall and he said to me,
I love your show. I listen to

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it all the time, but I
don't listen to it with my girlfriend because

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of all that talk of masturbation.
Why do I talk a lot of masturbation.

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I don't think you've ever talked about
masturbation on the show. Okay,

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so if you're new to the show, I talk about the science of love.

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Yeah, the biological those are the
neurochemicals that may help you fall in

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love or keep in love, and
also the psychological and the social peace.

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That's what I talk about. Do
you know why I talk about it?

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Because love is super good for your
health. Love is amazing for your physical

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and your mental health. There has
been study after study that has found that

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people who are married report higher levels
of happiness, they live longer, they

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drink less alcohol than their unmarried counterparts. Okay, now I know now you're

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thinking, oh, Sushi thinks that
everybody needs to get married. I don't

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necessarily think that we need this institution
of patriarchy. But there are ways to

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get the health been fits of married
people. And mostly it's about consistency.

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So if you listen to me for
a few years, you know, or

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if you've written my books, that
written my books, you might have written

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my books. You might have written
a anecdotal story that appeared in my books

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somewhere. No, if you've read
my books, you know that I spent

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a lot of years with a dysfunctional
attachment style. It was only after years

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and years of work with a licensed
clinical therapist where I learned how to calm

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down my anxious attachment style. How
I learned how to be attracted to somebody

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who has a secure attachment style.
My favorite metaphor for the stages of growth

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as we grow internally is this.
Imagine your dysfunction, and we all have

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dysfunctions. Is a hole in the
street. You're walking down the street,

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you don't see the whole, You
fall in. Okay, Eventually you go

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to therapy and the therapist says,
you know, this could be your problem.

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So now you're walking down the street
or going through a dating app,

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and now you see that hole,
You recognize that hole, and you fall

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in it again. The third stage
is now you've grown a little bit more,

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you have better awareness, better self
control, able to manage your emotions.

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You walk down that street, you
see that hole, you recognize it.

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The player, the player chick,
the person who's going to break your

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heart, et cetera, and you
very carefully walk around that hole. That's

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stage three. Stage four is you
take a different street. And I feel

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like I did that with my relationship
with Julio. I've been with Julio for

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three years now, and it's just
a different relationship because he's a kind caregiver

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and I'm used to these kind of
stone wall avoidant alpha guys who aren't warm

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and fuzzy, and now I got
warm and cuddly and fuzzy. But I

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learned to take a different street.
And here's how I will describe how I

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feel now, and this is why
I know my health must be better.

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I just feel calm, I feel
at peace. I'm not worried if he's

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going to call me back, or
he's going to show up, or can

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I trust him? Right? So
research also shows I mentioned that he's a

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cuddler, that hugs and hand holding
actually can lower your blood pressure because they

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increase the hormone oxytocin and it lowers
the stress hormones in your body. So

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being a being in a good,
healthy relationship now, I do want to

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say, being in a toxic relationship, even if you're married, you're not

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going to get the health benefits.
If you're walking around on eggshells because you're

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always worried that the person's going to
jump at you for something or get angry

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with you for something, or if
you don't have a voice, if you

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have true opinions and feelings that aren't
welcome in your relationship, or god forbid,

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you're actually experiencing some kind of emotional
or physical abuse. That kind of

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marriage does not actually improve your health. But there are studies the show that

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happily married people are happily living together
people. People in happy, consistent,

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supportive relationships actually have lower rates of
blood pressure, They have lower rates of

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heart disease and diabetes and everything.
We know also that health habits are highly

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contagious within relationships. I actually know
a woman who has an obese husband,

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and I mean this with love,
who carries around with him to social events

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in case they won't be available.
Pocket meat, as we call it,

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pocket meat. He's always got meat
in his pocket. Well, it's wrapped

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in plastic and it's usually preserved.
Like I don't know, those those sticks

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of beef you buy at the at
the convenience store, what are those things

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called beef jerkys or whatever. I
don't this is not my diet. I

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don't know what these things are,
sausages whatever. He's always got him in

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his pocket. Anyway, their children
also overeat and suffer from OBEs. Remember

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OBEs is not a character flaw.
It's a biopsychosocial event. Begins with a

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genetic predisposition and then a nasty food
industry who puts addictive things into food,

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etc. Anyway, this mom managed
to lose a hundred pounds while living with

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this family with mister pocket Meat because
she didn't let the health habits become contagious

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any longer. So, if you
are in a relationship with somebody who does

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not have positive health habits, it's
going to be a long, hard road.

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On the other hand, dating someone
who's healthy and fit and has positive

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health habits is the best thing for
your health. Like I know a guy

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who met his wife specifically, he
went searching on there's an app called like

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fit dating or fitness dating or something. He doesn't even work out, but

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he went there because he wanted a
partner who would be healthy. Now he

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does work out. He built a
gym in the house for them. She

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trains him right She's like a trainer
right anyway. So I just want to

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tell you that the reason why I
am so obsessed with the science of love

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is because love is good for us. Good love, good relationship skills are

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good for our mental health and our
physical health. When we come back,

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I have a question to pose to
you. Why are these modern liberated women

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getting married in one of the oldest
institutions of patriarchy, marriage wedding and taking

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their husband's last name. Let's break
this down. When we come back.

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You are listening to the Doctor Wendy
Walls Show and kf I AM six forty.

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We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to kf I AM

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six forty on demand. Welcome back
to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI

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AM six forty. We're live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio App. I want to

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talk about weddings and I want to
talk about marriage. Actually, now that

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the pandemic is behind us, you
probably went to a lot of weddings this

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It seems like that everybody seems to
be getting married. And there are two

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times in our lives when we're most
likely to tie the knot. Either when

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we're young, and we're in our
reproductive window. We know that marriage is

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still one of the best nests we
have for children. You know, at

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some point, hopefully we will have
childcare in every workplace, we will have

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more institutional governmental supports for single parents
of all genders, and marriage will be

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less necessary. But when it comes
to raising children, building that one economic

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nest where two people pour their resources
into offspring that show up actually is still,

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according to research, the best we
can do for kids. I happen

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to have had my kids out of
wedlock, so I speak from experience.

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The research is very clear that children
of single parents or the parents themselves suffer

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more mental and physical health issues.
The children tend to get lower grades,

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earlier onset of sexual activity, more
experimentation with drugs and alcohol, etc.

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I'm just don't shoot the messenger.
I'm just telling you what the data says.

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And so I worked very hard to
be a mother and a father and

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a caregiver and a protector and a
provider and a nurturer. And I would

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say that probably my health suffered as
a result of it because I worked so

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hard to put my kids first.
But anyway, more and more women are

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entering into a traditional marriage full on
with the wedding. Now, weddings have

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gotten bigger and bigger and bigger over
the decades. When my own parents got

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married in nineteen sixty, they got
married in a small church ceremony with friends

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and family, and they went back
to my grandmother's house and in the dining

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room posed for pictures and had some
cake and tea like that was it.

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My mother was in a beautiful white
wedding gown. It was a Catholic wedding,

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but it wasn't today's giant show or
the destination wedding that It's like a

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Hindu wedding that goes over three or
four days. I can't believe the money

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people are spending. My theory is
that people think the more public they make

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it, the more eyes that are
on it, the more they sacrifice economically

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to make it happen, the more
it'll have to stick, right I think.

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I think they think that everyone's looking, so we have to make this

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work out. It's not necessarily true. What I find interesting is that so

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many so called feminist women with careers
are still taking their husband's last name Kayla.

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When you get married, do you
plan on taking your man's last name.

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I always felt like I wanted him
to kind of take mine. Yeah,

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that's a great idea. The older
I'm open to it'll see. And

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if you did, what would be
the reason that you would take another man?

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You would get rid of half your
identity? I would I would definitely

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hyphenate. But I think it's kind
of a unifying thing that way. Our

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children are. You know, they
have our name, he has. It's

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a it's a unifying family. Okay, And so then let me ask the

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next question, because you're actually reflecting
the research that I'm about to explain.

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Yeah, why would you want your
children to have his name? Does he

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own them? There is two they're
yours. Yeah, that's what I did

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with Yeah, yeah, mine have
both our names. I said, anything

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that comes out of me that I
manufactured is going to get my stamp on

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it, my name on it,
especially after what you have to go through

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it again him here exactly. So
here's what the research says that this whole

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bridal tradition of a woman taking a
husband's name remains very, very strong.

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This is research, according to the
Pew Research Center, among women in opposite

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sex marriages in the United States,
four and five change their name. In

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the last few years. This is
recently, and believe it or not,

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hyphenated names are less common. So
the idea of taking of not changing your

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name or taking a hyphenated name actually
started in the very late seventies and gained

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steam in the early eighties, but
it never picked up from like one out

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of five, right, it never
cruised past that. Now, if you've

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listened to me, you know that
when I was twenty one, I had

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a big white Catholic wedding for my
mother. Literally, I remember being in

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my wedding dress getting ready and the
bridesmaids there in the back room, and

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I kept saying, Oh my god, I feel so stupid. I feel

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so stupid. Isn't that funny?
I kept saying that I feel so stupid,

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and they're like, no, you
look beautiful, Like I feel so

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stupid. So I so didn't support
this, but I didn't know. I

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wasn't aware. This is all in
my unconscious that I never booked a professional

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photographer. Oh no, I think
I did, but I never ordered one

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of those fancy hardcover wedding albums.
And then after months after the wedding,

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my mother had put one together professionally
paid some dollars for it and sent it

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to me as a gift, or
maybe it was a first anniversary gift.

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Do you know where that wedding album
is now? I have no idea it's

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gone. I probably tossed it at
some point. I cared so little about

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this because I knew I wasn't getting
married for me. I was getting married

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because of the pressure from my mother. So that's what I will attribute to

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the fact that I did not take
his last name, no hyphenated, no

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nothing. My feeling was, my
name is Wendy Walsh. My name is

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always going to be Wendy Walsh.
It also bothered me that the big security

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password for all the banks is what
is your mother's maiden name? Like a

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woman's identity is so deeply lost that
now it's a security password. Okay,

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Like she doesn't even exist except a
security password. So I would hope that

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my daughter, So my daughter's got
double barreled. My older one ended up

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taking my name. She has my
last name that she uses. The younger

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one uses her dad's last name.
They could do whatever they want, right,

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whatever they want doesn't matter to me. But that is the number one

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reason that women say, the most
feminist women out there, that they want

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to have the same last name as
their kids. So why can't we just

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name our kids both names, or
why can't we take each other's name?

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Wouldn't that be funny if I took
Julio's last name and he took mine.

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He said he'd be open to that. There is a divide politically, by

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the way, among conservative Republican women, ninety percent, according to the Pew

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Research study, took their husband's name, compared with sixty six percent of liberal

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Democrats. Also, the more educated
a woman is, the more likely she

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is to keep her name. When
you want to keep the name that's on

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your diploma, I don't know.
But then there are other women who are

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surging ahead, making money and doing
the traditional thing. Like j Lo she

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is missus Affleck after she has made
a name for herself. She's taken his

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name. Anyway, do whatever you
want, ladies. But I know you

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can argue with me, well,
if you keep your own name, that's

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actually your father's name. So it's
still patriarchy, I know. But when

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are we going to end it?
When are we going to end the patriarchy?

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That's what I'm saying, I just
want to pose the question. Hey,

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maybe you did get married, maybe
you have a new baby, maybe

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you're a first time father. I
want to talk to you when we come

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back. I know things are tough, now they're going to get better.

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You're listening to KFI AM sixty on
demand. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy

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Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

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You know, I had children at
the eleventh hour of my fertility window.

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I had my two babies at the
age of thirty six and forty one,

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and I like to say I pretty
much took the last man standing.

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He was a non smoking, no
drinking vegetarian. I said, you're good

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enough, come on in, and
we got pregnant very quickly in our dating

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life. Again, I do not
suggest that you follow my steps, that

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you follow hello my path in life. I learned experientially what not to do.

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Okay, So actually I became pregnant
eight weeks into dating, and so

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we decided he was forty, I
was thirty five. It's like, let's

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just do this. He moves in
with me, so we had to weather

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all the bumps that come with the
first year of dating, the first year

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of living together, and the first
pregnancy all at the same time, so

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you can imagine the stress we were
under. After I had my first baby,

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I was very lonely because I learned
that all your career women friends show

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up for the baby shower or a
quick little visit. They bring a filly,

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little pink dress, and then they
go back the clubs, and so

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it was a very, very lonely
time. It's a time of finding your

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identity as a mother, giving birth
to a mother really in that year,

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and trying to find a village.
And I joined every kind of mother group

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that you possibly could. You know, I actually eventually found a toddler nursing

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group because everyone had weaned their babies
and we're back to work and I was

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still breastfeeding. I ended up breastfeeding
each of my kids for three years.

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And at a toddler breastfeeding support group, do you know who was there?

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Hippies. There were women with either
I used to say, either short short

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gray hair or long gray hair down
to their butt. There was no other

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hairstyle. But they were great and
they helped me keep it up. And

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it was wonderful because there's different issues. However, one of the mom groups

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I went to, I can't remember
what it was called. I had some

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funny little acronym, but it was
supposed to be a support group for new

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moms, and they had a very
clear rule meeting number one, you cannot

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bash your baby's father, because apparently
these groups had spiraled down into a just

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whining session about how little the men
participated and how they were off at the

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gym and having fun and at work, and these women were lonely and isolated,

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and how they know we're pressuring them
to have sex that they didn't want,

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and they were just grumpy and it
was terrible. So I thought that

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was really interesting that I wasn't the
only one experiencing a grumpy man in the

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house. Well, now there's research
to support what so many women go through.

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This was a study that followed men
a longitudinal study from twenty seventeen to

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twenty twenty. They followed five hundred
first time fathers and one hundred and six

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second time fathers expecting their second child, and they compared they looked at they

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collected data on how old they were, how educated they were, what their

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income was, their relationship duration,
the child's biological sex, the child's temperament,

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because sometimes there are difficult babies.
They cry a lot, and they're

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more stressful in a relationship. And
what they wanted to do is look at

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what happens postpartum to men compared to
what often happens postpartum to women. We

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know about that. There's lots of
research on the postpartum experience of mothers.

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And even if you don't have a
clinical postpartum depression, there is culture shock.

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I like to say there can be
two men in a relationship until a

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mother enters the room, meaning that
when a woman, women can be totally

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equal to men career wise. Well, we don't know seventy seven cents on

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your dollar, but you know,
for the most part, until the needs

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of a mother step into the relationship, and all of a sudden, women

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are like, wait, what,
I'm supposed to go to work, I'm

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supposed to look good. I've been
up all night, I got two bleeding

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nipples, I got into psotomy that's
trying to heal, and you want me

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to have sex with you, Like
it is just a shock. Your bodies

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are just overwhelmed with what happens.
So there's been tons of research on that,

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but what they found when they started
looking at first time fathers is that

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having a child was associated with a
big relationship decline in satisfaction for first of

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all, both first and second time
fathers, but the first time fathers took

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the biggest hit. The first time
fathers showed the highest level of relationship satisfaction

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before birth and then the biggest dive
afterwards. At eight weeks postpartum, first

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time fathers reported much higher relationship dissatisfaction
and that continued up to fourteen months postpartum.

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Okay, let's stop and tear this
apart and analyze this data. Men,

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gentlemen, Okay, there are three
of you in this love triangle now,

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and that baby comes first to her. You know, if you're on

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a sinking ship and there's a lifeboat
and there's only one seat in it and

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she's choosing you, or you're shooting
your genes into the future, she's going

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to grab that baby, okay and
save it. I want you to reframe

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your I'm feeling abandoned by her into
look at that. She's caring for another

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part of me, my jenes right, reframe it. She's taking care of

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you. Now, as far as
the sex thing comes, you should know

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that long term monogamy is filled with
phases and stages, and there is a

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time after birth when women's hormones go
way down, especially when they're breastfeeding.

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In fact, I was dry as
a desert. It was a bad scene.

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It was painful. No, it
was terrible, Kayla, you're laughing

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at me. It was terrible.
It hurt. So you're going to have

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to be creative. You're gonna have
to find other things to do, other

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00:21:26.680 --> 00:21:29.480
places to do it. No,
no, not other women. Stop stop,

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00:21:29.519 --> 00:21:32.880
I mean the shower whatever. Maybe
Mark Thompson was right, Kayla,

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00:21:33.839 --> 00:21:36.920
Maybe he was right. I think
he was. Doctor. He said,

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I talk about masturbation. I never
do, And here I am in the

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shower, in the shower. Anyway. Here's the other interesting thing about this

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data. The study found no other
association between that other stuff I talked about,

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age, income, except you know
all that, the attitude of the

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baby, the disposition of the baby. None of that mattered except one thing,

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relationship duration. So you would think
that if couples had been in the

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long stable relationship before the birth of
the first baby, that they would report

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less of a relationship decline, but
the research showed the opposite. The longer

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their relationship had been before the birth
of the first baby, the deeper the

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00:22:21.279 --> 00:22:25.119
dive in their relationship satisfaction. Let's
think about it. They got set in

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00:22:25.160 --> 00:22:26.359
their ways. They thought it was
going to be like this forever. When

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00:22:26.400 --> 00:22:30.400
you're in a new relationship, it's
change all the time. First you're dating,

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and then maybe you're living together,
and then you get engaged, and

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then you're married, and then there's
a pregnancy, and oh, there's so

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00:22:34.119 --> 00:22:37.599
much new stuff all the time.
You eventually adapt. But if you've been

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in a long relationship and then the
baby shows up, get ready. It's

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00:22:41.519 --> 00:22:45.039
a big life change. But I
want to say this, their phases and

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stages and what you're doing now.
Investing in your offspring has a tremendous amount

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of meaning. So gentlemen, grow
the muscles of monogamy, grow the strength

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to weather it out. If your
baby mama some love, help her out,

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because that's how you'll find happiness,
not nagging and begging, and understand

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that she's giving to your genes.
Your genes when we come back. You

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know, there are some myths about
love that you might hold that can be

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killing your love life. I'll explain. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls

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Show and kf I Am six forty
were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

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00:23:25.400 --> 00:23:30.799
You're listening to kf I Am sixty
on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor

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00:23:30.799 --> 00:23:34.279
Wendy Walls Show on kf I Am
six forty. I am obsessed with the

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science of love because it took me
a whole lifetime to actually learn this stuff.

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You know, love isn't about lucke. Love is about skills, and

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you can learn these skills at any
stage of your life span and in any

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stage of the relationship you're in.
And when I was young, I believed

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so much nonsense about love that people
still believe, like there's a soulmate out

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there. I really believe there's one
for me. It's a soulmate. Maybe

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I'll meet my soulmate. No,
this is playing into the whole Love is

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all about luck. I will hear
people say sometimes, you know, if

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it happens for me, it doesn't
happen. You make it happen. You

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00:24:15.640 --> 00:24:19.599
use human mating strategies. You get
yourself all ready to be out there on

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00:24:19.599 --> 00:24:22.799
the mating marketplace and you get on
those apps, and you go on those

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00:24:22.839 --> 00:24:26.079
dates, and you make it happen. Those are the people who get married.

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And in fact, it is the
women who know how to negotiate commitment

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who get married. Believe me,
there are no grooms magazines. Okay,

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Guys don't spend their whole life dreaming
about the tuxedo they're gonna wear walking down

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00:24:40.839 --> 00:24:45.480
the aisle. Every guy on the
planet, in the back of his brain

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00:24:45.160 --> 00:24:49.920
thinks that he's going to have a
nice, stable girlfriend or wife or somebody

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00:24:49.920 --> 00:24:55.400
at home and then be a freeman. Elsewise, No, you have to

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00:24:55.440 --> 00:24:59.759
snag him, nail him down,
make him feel like there's no better deal

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00:24:59.799 --> 00:25:04.200
for you. I know I sound
very sexist, but this is evolutionary psychology.

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00:25:04.240 --> 00:25:07.680
Women are more relational, Women tend
to have more. They hold the

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00:25:07.759 --> 00:25:12.000
keys to the emotional locker. Men
fall in love faster, but they don't

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00:25:12.000 --> 00:25:15.079
say I love you faster, and
they also don't ask for commitment faster.

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00:25:15.359 --> 00:25:18.799
And if you never ask for commitment, if you never negotiate commitment, you're

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00:25:18.839 --> 00:25:22.920
never going to get it. Okay, So it's not coming from him,

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00:25:22.079 --> 00:25:26.200
he's you know, definitely. Can
you imagine that, Kayla, Is there

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00:25:26.240 --> 00:25:27.839
a guy out there going, I
can't wait to meet my wife. I

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00:25:27.880 --> 00:25:30.759
just want to meet my wife.
We could be so lucky. Yeah,

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00:25:30.759 --> 00:25:36.160
maybe maybe she'll marry me. In
the movies maybe, but not in real

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00:25:36.200 --> 00:25:37.960
life. They want to keep you
and they want to have side action because

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00:25:37.960 --> 00:25:42.000
you never ask for commitment. That's
what happens. Anyway. That's one myth

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00:25:42.440 --> 00:25:48.039
that there's a soul made out there. The truth is, if you have

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00:25:48.160 --> 00:25:52.839
good relationship skills, then you will
find there are many, many, many

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00:25:52.920 --> 00:26:00.160
appropriate mates, and also you will
be attractive to many more people because you

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00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:06.000
have good relationship skills. So learning
those relationship skills about being open, honest,

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00:26:06.119 --> 00:26:10.000
vulnerable, being able to deal with
conflict, etc. So let's talk

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about three myths that are very common, very very common. The people still

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00:26:15.559 --> 00:26:18.880
believe they could be ruining their love
life. This was actually comes from a

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00:26:19.000 --> 00:26:23.119
research study published in the Family Journal, so it's a peer reviewed academic journal.

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I can't remember how many hundreds of
people they interviewed for this, but

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00:26:26.039 --> 00:26:32.400
here's what they found out. The
number one belief the belief that disagreements,

359
00:26:32.440 --> 00:26:38.000
conflicts, fights, arguments, tips
are bad for a relationship. If you

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00:26:38.000 --> 00:26:44.440
have fights, it's a bad relationship. That is a myth. The research

361
00:26:44.559 --> 00:26:49.319
actually says the opposite. The people
in the healthiest relationships have tiny little border

362
00:26:49.319 --> 00:26:53.519
skirmishes all the time, and they
never have the big, blow it out

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giant fights because they haven't built up
the pressure right, so having tiny little

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00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:03.759
conflicts. Julio and I had one
this morning over breakfast. It wasn't a

365
00:27:03.759 --> 00:27:08.240
big deal, but I was saying
that I wanted to cut down on my

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00:27:08.319 --> 00:27:12.319
acid reflux, and of the list
of foods I mentioned, I mentioned coffee.

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So he just started nagging me at
the breakfast table, like, why

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are you drinking coffee? You just
told me last night they should be drinking

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00:27:18.279 --> 00:27:22.039
so much coffee. And I looked
at him and I said no. I

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00:27:22.039 --> 00:27:23.880
said, I want to reduce my
acid reflux, which means I shouldn't drink

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00:27:23.880 --> 00:27:26.559
coffee before I lie down at night. I don't want it to come the

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acid to come back up first thing
in the morning while I'm sitting up.

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I'd think I'm okay. Anyway,
he was, all I said, and

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don't nag me. I didn't say
it like that. I said it really

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sweet, and honey, I really
appreciate that you care about my health.

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00:27:40.799 --> 00:27:45.519
It means a lot to me,
but I perform better with positive rewards,

377
00:27:45.519 --> 00:27:48.480
like you're doing a great job instead
of nagging me to change something. That's

378
00:27:48.480 --> 00:27:52.359
how I said it. I did
because I learned my relationship skills in eighteen

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00:27:52.440 --> 00:27:57.880
years of therapy. Anyway, that's
how you do it. You do little

380
00:27:57.920 --> 00:28:03.039
tiny border skirm on a regular basis. You'll make that communication sandwich. You

381
00:28:03.079 --> 00:28:07.680
know, the communication sandwich starts out
with a layer of love, following like

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00:28:07.960 --> 00:28:11.119
I love that you care about my
health, follow with a layer of something

383
00:28:11.119 --> 00:28:14.400
hard to chew on. But please
don't nag me back to another layer of

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00:28:14.440 --> 00:28:17.519
love, because you know, because
you remind me about my health, I'm

385
00:28:17.519 --> 00:28:18.400
going to live for a long time. We're gonna be together, and that's

386
00:28:18.400 --> 00:28:22.559
wonderful. Right, So, disagreements
can be good for a relationship, if

387
00:28:22.599 --> 00:28:27.200
they're the right kind of disagreements.
Okay, myth number two. Oh,

388
00:28:27.279 --> 00:28:32.920
so many people have this myth.
They have a belief that in a healthy

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relationship, their partners should be able
to read their mind. They say things

390
00:28:38.759 --> 00:28:44.200
like I shouldn't have to tell you, or you should know by now.

391
00:28:44.799 --> 00:28:48.319
Who are you talking to an abandoning
mother who was not connected to you as

392
00:28:48.359 --> 00:28:52.240
a toddler. She should have known, she didn't, okay, but your

393
00:28:52.279 --> 00:28:56.599
wife she won't know unless you tell
her. Right, you can't get mad

394
00:28:56.640 --> 00:29:00.559
at somebody for not doing something thing
that you didn't give them direction to,

395
00:29:02.079 --> 00:29:06.400
right you have They can't read their
mind. There's no partner out there who

396
00:29:06.400 --> 00:29:11.039
can read your mind. That means
you have to know your mind. You

397
00:29:11.119 --> 00:29:14.880
have to have insight into your own
feelings. And step two, you have

398
00:29:14.880 --> 00:29:18.799
to be able to put those feelings
into polite words. And usually when people

399
00:29:18.799 --> 00:29:21.839
are beginning to express their feelings for
the first time, they say it in

400
00:29:21.839 --> 00:29:23.960
a snippy, defensive way because they're
not used to it. But it's okay.

401
00:29:25.000 --> 00:29:26.759
You'll be able to say it kindly
like I did to Julio today,

402
00:29:27.240 --> 00:29:30.480
all right. And the third thing
is this idea. It aligns with the

403
00:29:30.519 --> 00:29:36.480
soul made idea, this idea that
relationships are predestined, it was meant to

404
00:29:36.519 --> 00:29:40.440
be. No, it's not.
It's a fluke that you even ran into

405
00:29:40.440 --> 00:29:42.759
each other on that dating app.
Okay, it's a fluke. You're now

406
00:29:42.799 --> 00:29:47.480
going to put your mating strategy and
your relationship skills to it, and you

407
00:29:47.519 --> 00:29:51.240
are going to grow a garden in
this relationship. You're gonna water what you

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want to grow, not the weeds. That means, don't be a nagger

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with the negative stuff. And you're
going to create your dream relationship. It's

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not predestined, isn't it happened?
The cupid didn't shoot a bow and arrow,

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the cosmos didn't come together. You
created this, the two of you,

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by doing the work that you need
to do, and I encourage you

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to do that work. All right. When we come back, I am

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going to be going to my social
media because this week so many dms came

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in and there are some very fascinating
questions that you guys have sent me,

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so I have got to answer them. You are listening to The Doctor Wendy

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00:30:25.559 --> 00:30:30.480
Welsh Show on KFI AM six forty
or live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI

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AM sixty on demand