WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.120 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty the 2 00:00:04.160 --> 00:00:08.320 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Doctor Wendy Walsh, 3 00:00:08.320 --> 00:00:12.720 Will You Live? Is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. If you are new 4 00:00:12.800 --> 00:00:17.000 to my show, you should know that I have a PhD in clinical psychology. 5 00:00:17.039 --> 00:00:21.440 I'm a psychology profess California State University, Channel Islands. I've been obsessed 6 00:00:21.480 --> 00:00:24.160 with the science of love for quite a few decades. You may have read 7 00:00:24.199 --> 00:00:28.839 one of the Boyfriend Test, How to Tell his Potential before you Lose your 8 00:00:28.839 --> 00:00:34.159 Heart or the girlfriend How datable are you really? Or the Thirty Day loved 9 00:00:34.359 --> 00:00:39.479 Talks, Purge Yourself a voice, Cheaters, commitment phobes all out there. 10 00:00:39.759 --> 00:00:43.560 I have been reading about the science of love. Kids coming up in the 11 00:00:43.560 --> 00:00:48.320 show. I am going to pull you off the guilt train. Whether you're 12 00:00:48.359 --> 00:00:53.439 divorced and feel like somehow your marriage was a failure. Ooh, I'm going 13 00:00:53.520 --> 00:00:58.359 to change your language. Still attached to your ex in some way, maybe 14 00:00:58.359 --> 00:01:02.079 even through the courts and with lawyers. I don't know your child free and 15 00:01:02.159 --> 00:01:07.959 you feel like somehow that's not how things are supposed to happen perpetually single. 16 00:01:07.079 --> 00:01:11.359 Maybe you're having an affair. Let me tell you it's all normal. It's 17 00:01:11.439 --> 00:01:15.680 part of beam and being. We're going to talk about the way people date, 18 00:01:15.760 --> 00:01:19.159 mate and regulate. Also coming up in if you're in a new relationship 19 00:01:19.200 --> 00:01:23.519 and you're wondering if it's time to take it to public. Some people call 20 00:01:23.560 --> 00:01:29.079 that a harsh ready to do a hard launch on social media or another way. 21 00:01:29.319 --> 00:01:32.000 Well, I'll tell you whether it's time or not. Questions you should 22 00:01:32.040 --> 00:01:38.480 be asking yourself and oh, one simple way to tell you're in a secure 23 00:01:38.799 --> 00:01:45.640 relationship. You won't believe this simple question to self. Do I have producer 24 00:01:45.680 --> 00:01:49.760 Kayla with me? How are you, my dear at wady? How are 25 00:01:49.799 --> 00:01:53.079 you are you with me producing? I'm good? How are you doing lady? 26 00:01:55.159 --> 00:01:57.480 Oh? God, we're talking all over each other? Question for you? 27 00:01:59.040 --> 00:02:01.680 Yes, Oh, we have a delay because I'm gonna say about Portos 28 00:02:01.760 --> 00:02:05.879 or Kayla's on a little bit of a Vika, but she's there with us. 29 00:02:06.599 --> 00:02:08.199 Have you spent much time when in your life? I mean wall to 30 00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:15.360 wall solitude in your life. I think when I moved away for the first 31 00:02:15.400 --> 00:02:17.400 time I spent the first time is on with hude. So yeah, yes, 32 00:02:17.439 --> 00:02:23.919 I ask, well, I want you to listen closely because I want 33 00:02:23.919 --> 00:02:31.159 to talk about loneliness versus welcome solitude, what's the difference, and how much 34 00:02:31.240 --> 00:02:36.280 relationships or don't need relationships. And here's the reason why I'm going to tell 35 00:02:36.280 --> 00:02:40.879 this story. I've actually this past week probably spent more time alone and in 36 00:02:42.039 --> 00:02:46.120 solitude than I have done in my air adult life. Now, I am 37 00:02:46.159 --> 00:02:50.039 not like my friend, the famous attorney Lisa Bloom, who's been hiking the 38 00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:53.639 Pacific rail and literally has been sending me missives whenever she gets a little bit 39 00:02:53.639 --> 00:02:59.639 of internet. Literally it's like literally on her own for days and days and 40 00:02:59.719 --> 00:03:02.400 days days and in the wilderness. No less, I am girl. Okay, 41 00:03:02.439 --> 00:03:07.479 I did go for a hike by myself. I was terrified that I 42 00:03:07.560 --> 00:03:10.360 would get lost, and I did get lost. But guess what all paths 43 00:03:10.520 --> 00:03:14.159 lead down? Okay, if you went up, it's got to come down 44 00:03:14.240 --> 00:03:17.840 at some point in my way. But for me, it doesn't matter why 45 00:03:19.000 --> 00:03:23.400 I ended up in solitude. I want about what the experience was like for 46 00:03:23.520 --> 00:03:27.240 me. And maybe there are people out there, maybe you're listening, you 47 00:03:27.400 --> 00:03:32.400 also have felt alone at one time of another. You know we are to 48 00:03:32.479 --> 00:03:38.479 be with each other throughout our entire human history. We have to rely and 49 00:03:38.520 --> 00:03:42.919 I always have on others for our survival, both our literal survival helping to 50 00:03:42.960 --> 00:03:46.599 procure food, and also our emotional val We needed others to protect us from 51 00:03:46.680 --> 00:03:53.159 things like physical threats. We needed this sense of community. So neuroscientists would 52 00:03:53.240 --> 00:04:00.080 say that we have evolved and our brothers adapted to something called social proximity. 53 00:04:00.159 --> 00:04:08.560 We don't do well lone interesting enough, during my week of solitude, I 54 00:04:08.680 --> 00:04:11.919 watched a movie but a Lonely Man. You might see it. It's probably 55 00:04:11.960 --> 00:04:15.600 like number one on Netflix right now, a man called Otto, and if 56 00:04:15.600 --> 00:04:19.040 you haven't seen it, I highly recommend you see it. It's about a 57 00:04:19.120 --> 00:04:26.199 lonely, very grump widower and then what happens. I mean, he actually 58 00:04:26.240 --> 00:04:29.000 tries to take his own life a number of time, different ways. It's 59 00:04:29.000 --> 00:04:33.360 a comedy, I know. And so in next door across the way moves 60 00:04:33.480 --> 00:04:40.480 in this bubbly, talkative, energetic young family. The mom is vignant, 61 00:04:41.240 --> 00:04:45.000 she's Latina, she's talking half the time in Spanish, she's laughing, she 62 00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:47.560 doesn't even seem to know rumpiness. She's just cheering him up. With her 63 00:04:47.600 --> 00:04:51.920 food, and as you can imagine, things change for him. Whole life 64 00:04:53.000 --> 00:04:58.879 changes because of this one woman, and then his relationships to everybody else seems 65 00:04:58.959 --> 00:05:03.120 because of how he changed internally. Now, I want to remind you that 66 00:05:03.360 --> 00:05:10.879 lose social isolation as our punishment for other human beings. We exile the vibe. 67 00:05:11.279 --> 00:05:13.480 Think of it. Two year olds, three year olds, four year 68 00:05:13.480 --> 00:05:17.480 olds. What's the best punishment time out for from a few minutes of social 69 00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:23.360 isolation. At the other end of the spectrum, the worst and most documented 70 00:05:23.439 --> 00:05:30.560 in humane punishment, solitary confinement of somebody who's experiencing abseration the worst thing we 71 00:05:30.600 --> 00:05:36.920 can do. So what's the difference between social ice that hurts us and a 72 00:05:36.959 --> 00:05:42.319 well needed rest and a break from others that might help us grow? First 73 00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:46.639 of all, there is documentation, lots of lots of lots of research. 74 00:05:46.040 --> 00:05:54.600 Who are alone, not by choice? Right, your brain start experience uncertainty, 75 00:05:55.160 --> 00:06:00.480 ruminating, your stress areas of your brain light up, and you know, 76 00:06:00.519 --> 00:06:06.000 we are meant to have companionship, we are meant to have intimacy with 77 00:06:06.160 --> 00:06:12.879 others. And one study in fact, back in nineteen and it was a 78 00:06:12.959 --> 00:06:16.120 huge study, eleven thousand people that's a giant group of people. They found 79 00:06:16.120 --> 00:06:21.800 that the upperiencing the most social isolation had above average declines in cognitive function. 80 00:06:23.360 --> 00:06:30.279 I recall, we actually don't think as well. Also another sound that people 81 00:06:30.279 --> 00:06:32.959 who are alone too much actually become more hostile. Well, that would have 82 00:06:32.959 --> 00:06:40.199 been auto right listening to the Tom Hanks character definitely felt very very hostile. 83 00:06:41.560 --> 00:06:48.199 On the of seventy five hundred older adults, found that those had been hurt 84 00:06:48.439 --> 00:06:56.120 or hard done by others and who had decided to withdraw it out more hostility. 85 00:06:57.000 --> 00:07:00.240 Now, it's interesting because some people when they get older are happy and 86 00:07:00.360 --> 00:07:03.879 others not. And I found some really interesting research that really helped me this 87 00:07:03.920 --> 00:07:10.839 week. And you might have heard of the big five personality traits agreeableness, 88 00:07:10.959 --> 00:07:18.079 conscientiousness, traversion, openness, and your stress tolerance. Right, So personality 89 00:07:18.120 --> 00:07:23.639 traits are well researched and documented. They're pretty hardwired. And most of us 90 00:07:24.000 --> 00:07:27.680 there that happened across the lifespan, like, for instance, we all become 91 00:07:27.759 --> 00:07:31.879 more conscientious as we get older, deliberate, self disciplined. Anyway, here's 92 00:07:31.879 --> 00:07:36.079 what the research says. That women who are high and agreeableness would say, 93 00:07:36.079 --> 00:07:42.399 that's me. How a higher risk of becoming lonely as they aged, and 94 00:07:42.879 --> 00:07:47.240 the most conscientiousness, detail oriented, oh, higher risk of becoming lonely men 95 00:07:47.279 --> 00:07:50.759 were. The more agreeable a man was, the more he had a lower 96 00:07:50.839 --> 00:07:56.680 risk of being lonely. The more conscientious he lower risk of becoming lonely. 97 00:07:56.879 --> 00:08:00.959 Oh, here's a silver lining. People who are more neurotic and anxiety worriver. 98 00:08:01.399 --> 00:08:07.920 Actually women women, neurotic women don't become lonely people around us. There 99 00:08:09.120 --> 00:08:13.399 is a lone time that's good for you. Maybe when you're alone and fewer 100 00:08:13.480 --> 00:08:16.600 people, you grow more empathy. You focus on just those one or two 101 00:08:16.639 --> 00:08:22.079 people you meet, some compassion for them and their life. Let me tell 102 00:08:22.120 --> 00:08:24.839 you there was a few days this week I only talked to the postman. 103 00:08:24.199 --> 00:08:30.560 You're Joe's cashier, and they were really fascinating people to me with long conversations. 104 00:08:31.199 --> 00:08:33.360 Search to show that more alone time makes you more productive. Yeah, 105 00:08:33.399 --> 00:08:39.840 despite all that open concept of the office chatting not good for productivity, A 106 00:08:39.919 --> 00:08:43.919 long time can make you feel more creative. So spending some time alone can 107 00:08:43.960 --> 00:08:48.200 make you stop and plan your life a little bit. And finally, and 108 00:08:48.240 --> 00:08:52.480 I head ranced this week, solitude can help you listen to your inner voice. 109 00:08:52.960 --> 00:08:56.879 Listen to yourself. What do you Who are you? Where are you 110 00:08:56.960 --> 00:09:00.759 going? Yeah, I'm going through a lot of that is that nest syndrome 111 00:09:00.799 --> 00:09:03.159 thing, I think. But I did learn something else. I think this 112 00:09:03.240 --> 00:09:05.480 is my theory. I'm just making this up, but I think it's true. 113 00:09:05.759 --> 00:09:09.360 I think being alone give you bags under your eyes. Wait, wait, 114 00:09:09.480 --> 00:09:11.840 stay with me. I have to explain this. So one time, 115 00:09:11.960 --> 00:09:13.480 so my mother had bags under her eyes. I'm getting I'm starting to have 116 00:09:13.519 --> 00:09:18.000 bags under my eyes. So I asked a plastic surgeon once, what do 117 00:09:18.000 --> 00:09:20.080 you do for that? And he said, nothing. Fluid under your eyes 118 00:09:20.120 --> 00:09:24.440 and the muscles in your cheeks from smiling, pump out the fluid. But 119 00:09:24.480 --> 00:09:26.720 if you're not chatting, and you don't have an ace, and you're not 120 00:09:26.799 --> 00:09:30.399 smiling enough, it doesn't get a chance to pump out the fluid. I 121 00:09:30.519 --> 00:09:33.600 know. So I started talking to myself the walls and smiling at myself in 122 00:09:33.639 --> 00:09:37.159 the mirror a lot. I had to pump out that fluid, you guys, 123 00:09:37.360 --> 00:09:39.480 because a couple days into the mirror, I'm like, wait a sec, 124 00:09:39.840 --> 00:09:43.519 my face is not being animated enough anyway, So it can you. 125 00:09:43.799 --> 00:09:48.279 It can also be very hurtful to you. The question is whether you're isolated 126 00:09:48.320 --> 00:09:52.840 by choice because he eats some alone time, or whether somebody else is imposing 127 00:09:52.879 --> 00:09:56.120 it on you. And if someone's imposing it on you, they coumbent on 128 00:09:56.159 --> 00:10:01.840 you to reach out and find some social support. All right, when we 129 00:10:01.000 --> 00:10:05.440 come back, if you are in a relationship or not in a relationship, 130 00:10:05.480 --> 00:10:09.639 and you have some feelings of guilt around your situation, I am going to 131 00:10:09.679 --> 00:10:13.600 pull you off the guilt train. I'll explain when we come back. You're 132 00:10:13.679 --> 00:10:20.159 listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI Am six forty. You have 133 00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:26.279 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. So 134 00:10:26.399 --> 00:10:31.240 I mentioned that this week has been one of the loneliest but self and lonely 135 00:10:31.240 --> 00:10:37.559 weeks of my adult life. And last night I decided to just clean myself 136 00:10:37.720 --> 00:10:41.919 and go out to dinner alone, like into a restaurant. You know what, 137 00:10:41.919 --> 00:10:45.080 You can always sit at the bar because there's act which is the bartender, 138 00:10:45.519 --> 00:10:48.159 and also there's usually people sitting there. So I was chatting with a 139 00:10:48.159 --> 00:10:52.480 couple. They were lovely couple and they had just started dating like nine months 140 00:10:52.480 --> 00:11:00.279 ago, and we got into a little conversation out this idea of feeling like 141 00:11:00.960 --> 00:11:07.320 our pastnships we're somehow a failure. If you're one of those people who thinks 142 00:11:07.360 --> 00:11:11.679 that, I want to remind you that there is no such thing as a 143 00:11:11.799 --> 00:11:18.639 failed relationship. We stay together until we've finished growing. I think of relationships 144 00:11:18.799 --> 00:11:22.840 as easium for our minds. It's a way for us to get a workout, 145 00:11:24.519 --> 00:11:26.519 and when you get strong enough, time to leave that gym and move 146 00:11:26.559 --> 00:11:33.720 to the next level. Think of the things that your quote a failed relationships 147 00:11:33.720 --> 00:11:39.639 have produced for you, maybe the Holy Grail children. Maybe you learned something 148 00:11:39.720 --> 00:11:43.200 from that person. When we are in a relationship, we're a cooperative thinker 149 00:11:43.519 --> 00:11:48.399 learning from each other. I always say that a relationship is kind of like 150 00:11:48.440 --> 00:11:52.559 the Aven diagram. Two circles. You don't want to be two separate circles. 151 00:11:52.879 --> 00:11:58.879 Those are polite roommates living in a house. You also so overlapped that 152 00:11:58.960 --> 00:12:03.639 you're ameshed. Nobody can remember whose problem is. Who's want your circles to 153 00:12:03.679 --> 00:12:09.759 overlap just enough. But on the outside, there you are continue row to 154 00:12:09.919 --> 00:12:15.279 bring something new into the relationship. You know, when till the West part 155 00:12:15.399 --> 00:12:20.320 was invented, death was pretty imminent. And our biggest problem now that our 156 00:12:20.360 --> 00:12:26.759 relationships are failing, it's that we're outliving them. Our life spans are so 157 00:12:26.879 --> 00:12:35.200 long now that even the most monogamous of humans, which anthropologists speculate is about 158 00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:41.879 fifty percent of people completely monogamous, even those monogamous people may have two or 159 00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:46.799 even three long stints of monogamy with some mate selection in between. We call 160 00:12:46.879 --> 00:12:52.120 that dating. Right, So, I want you to know, using the 161 00:12:52.240 --> 00:12:58.279 length of a relationship as a litmus test for success as anant of its success 162 00:13:00.039 --> 00:13:05.559 doesn't make sense. Look, maybe you had trauma in your childhood and as 163 00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:09.039 a result, you've got an attachment style that's a little bit insecure, and 164 00:13:09.480 --> 00:13:13.720 you have a hard time telling if somebody is safe or not whether you can 165 00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:20.120 trust love or relationship. Maybe for you, if you date somebody for one 166 00:13:20.159 --> 00:13:24.000 week and you see the risk, you're like, oh no, I am 167 00:13:24.039 --> 00:13:28.120 not walking back down into the scene of that crime again. I'm going to 168 00:13:28.159 --> 00:13:33.519 burst in already. How can you say that's a failed relationship. That is 169 00:13:33.519 --> 00:13:37.840 a very succestionship for you because you figured it out in one week that this 170 00:13:37.879 --> 00:13:41.360 person would be bad for you. Right, So, yet length of a 171 00:13:41.440 --> 00:13:45.000 relationship is one of the worst things we can do. If we're trying to 172 00:13:45.000 --> 00:13:48.399 say whether it's successful or not. All right, there are people out there. 173 00:13:48.639 --> 00:13:52.120 It may not be you, but there are people out there who believe 174 00:13:52.720 --> 00:14:00.559 that if they did not give birth to biological children, that how they failed, 175 00:14:01.440 --> 00:14:05.120 They failed to reproduce, they failed in some way. Well, the 176 00:14:05.159 --> 00:14:09.600 truth is, since the beginning of time, in our species of full twenty 177 00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:16.240 percents, men and women do not reproduce biologically because we need them to help 178 00:14:16.360 --> 00:14:20.039 raise the in species, we are cooperative breeders. They are the aunties and 179 00:14:20.159 --> 00:14:24.399 uncles and cousins and neighbors and preachers and coaches. And these are the aloe 180 00:14:24.399 --> 00:14:30.320 parents who help raise the entire village of children. If odd in our anthropological 181 00:14:30.320 --> 00:14:33.279 past, or parents trying to focus on keeping their own kids alive, well, 182 00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:37.000 our species would have been predators. But we had to have some aloe 183 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:43.000 parents around to babysit while to protect the tribe while we were dealing with kids. 184 00:14:43.519 --> 00:14:48.960 We need aloe parents and they are importances. Look, maybe you're somebody 185 00:14:50.000 --> 00:14:54.279 who never married and you're single for life, if you've got sort if you've 186 00:14:54.320 --> 00:14:56.559 got that person who you can call, if you're in need, Then you 187 00:14:56.600 --> 00:15:05.039 don't have failed relationships built what you need. Maybe you're divorced but not really 188 00:15:05.240 --> 00:15:07.480 meaning that you're divorced, but you and your ex are still kind of best 189 00:15:07.480 --> 00:15:09.679 friends, are hanging out. Maybe there's a good reason to keep parts of 190 00:15:09.679 --> 00:15:13.399 that union alive. Got kids to raise. Maybe you're not ready to enter 191 00:15:13.440 --> 00:15:18.759 into another relationship yet, and yes, having an affair. Look, the 192 00:15:18.840 --> 00:15:24.039 research has been really consistent over the past couple of decades that about twenty and 193 00:15:24.080 --> 00:15:28.919 twenty five percent of married men cheat. Right, Oh, I'm sorry, 194 00:15:28.919 --> 00:15:31.720 but ten tip that wrong. Ten to fifteen percent of women, twenty to 195 00:15:31.799 --> 00:15:37.879 twenty five percent of men tend to cheat. But why there could be a 196 00:15:37.919 --> 00:15:45.639 good reason your partner's ill. Maybe your partner is you're you're exhausted with taking 197 00:15:45.679 --> 00:15:50.480 care caregiver exhaustion. Right, Maybe you're staying together for really good with kids, 198 00:15:52.200 --> 00:15:54.840 money, finances, and you're finding a way to meet your needs outside 199 00:15:54.840 --> 00:16:00.000 of that. Look is how dangerous it can be? Nothing worse than second 200 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:03.200 actual jealousy. Right, you know you're odd. Right, I'll tell you 201 00:16:03.240 --> 00:16:08.320 one thing that attitudes about cheating have changed in the nineteen seventies. We won't 202 00:16:08.360 --> 00:16:11.120 care so much about cheating like we do now. We're obsessed with it is 203 00:16:11.159 --> 00:16:15.200 because we put all our emotional eggs in one basket. We are lover to 204 00:16:15.279 --> 00:16:18.600 be everything to us, and if we lose that person, we seem to 205 00:16:18.639 --> 00:16:25.519 lose our world. Oh you know, I do suggest that you don't cheat. 206 00:16:25.600 --> 00:16:29.480 It's real painful when someone finds us falls apart. Some people use it 207 00:16:29.519 --> 00:16:33.720 as a stepping stone to a new relationship. Maybe you're just unhapped and you're 208 00:16:33.960 --> 00:16:38.279 not ready to leave. You don't have to leave yet, there's no pressure. 209 00:16:38.679 --> 00:16:44.200 Believe there's still a few more warm fuzzies in your relationship than cold pricklies. 210 00:16:44.519 --> 00:16:47.600 And the time isn't right yet, So I'm here to pull you off 211 00:16:47.600 --> 00:16:52.320 the guilt train. There's no one right way of love or have a healthy 212 00:16:52.360 --> 00:16:59.559 relationship. Speaking of interesting relationships, there's a term that's thrown around a lot 213 00:16:59.600 --> 00:17:06.599 called monogamish. Monogamish like you're kind of monogaus but not you're monogamish. Let's 214 00:17:06.640 --> 00:17:11.319 talk about if your relationship could tolerate that mott. If you're listening Hulio, 215 00:17:11.759 --> 00:17:15.200 mine could not. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and KFI AMC 216 00:17:15.400 --> 00:17:22.279 Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio Act. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand 217 00:17:22.559 --> 00:17:26.799 from kf I AM sixty forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh. Would you 218 00:17:26.839 --> 00:17:33.799 gets it with the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I was talking earlier about people 219 00:17:33.799 --> 00:17:37.920 who may be staying in unhappy relationships for all kinds of reasons. For the 220 00:17:37.000 --> 00:17:41.720 kids, that's a good one. You know, the research shows that staying 221 00:17:41.799 --> 00:17:47.319 together for the children is actually good for the children. And let me explain 222 00:17:47.640 --> 00:17:52.640 why. Because when two people separate, they children are more likely to be 223 00:17:52.799 --> 00:17:56.559 you know, lose their friends, have to move their school, they lose 224 00:17:56.599 --> 00:18:00.799 their village, and they also may suffer from poverty because maintaining two households is 225 00:18:00.839 --> 00:18:04.160 way more expensive than maintaining one, and so it's hard on kids. Kids 226 00:18:04.160 --> 00:18:10.440 can actually thrive pretty well with consistency, even with a couple of bickering parents, 227 00:18:11.160 --> 00:18:15.759 if they have all the other village support that they need, their school 228 00:18:15.799 --> 00:18:18.839 system, their friends, their coaches, etc. But you yank the kids 229 00:18:18.839 --> 00:18:23.680 out of that because of divorce, and that is what hurts the kids. 230 00:18:25.279 --> 00:18:30.720 Kids need consistency. So you maybe stand together for the kids very noble reason, 231 00:18:30.400 --> 00:18:34.680 or maybe you're having an affair on the side, which I said up 232 00:18:34.680 --> 00:18:38.079 to twenty to twenty five percent of men do. Married men do, and 233 00:18:38.119 --> 00:18:42.279 about ten or fifteen percent of married women. I'm not making any moral judgments. 234 00:18:42.319 --> 00:18:45.839 I know you're listening like I'm a guest. Is she's saying it's okay 235 00:18:45.880 --> 00:18:48.519 to have an affair. I'm not saying it's okay. I'm saying it can 236 00:18:48.519 --> 00:18:52.799 be very problematic. And sexual jealousy is a real thing, Okay, can 237 00:18:52.839 --> 00:18:56.599 cause really big problems, but it's a messenger that something's wrong in your relationship 238 00:18:56.599 --> 00:19:00.960 and you're not being fulfilled enough. And it's not just about sack. One 239 00:19:00.039 --> 00:19:06.079 research study I shows I read showed that men actually choose to have affairs more 240 00:19:06.079 --> 00:19:10.799 for emotional reasons and physical reasons. They want someone to listen to them because 241 00:19:10.799 --> 00:19:15.480 their wife stopped listening a while ago, and women they're not getting enough emotional 242 00:19:15.480 --> 00:19:19.400 support from their husband, so they'll go out and a guy will, you 243 00:19:19.440 --> 00:19:22.960 know, talk a lot of sweet nothings into their ear. It feels real 244 00:19:23.079 --> 00:19:27.559 good. So it's not just about the sex. So if you ever considered 245 00:19:27.799 --> 00:19:37.200 making your relationship monogamish, monogamish, that's something between a monogamous relationship and a 246 00:19:37.279 --> 00:19:42.799 fully open relationship. Now, being monogamish is different for every single couple, 247 00:19:44.359 --> 00:19:48.200 but it basically means this term, you're not fully open, You're not fully 248 00:19:48.200 --> 00:19:52.480 closed. You know where the term click came from the podcaster, author and 249 00:19:52.519 --> 00:19:57.799 sex columnist Dan Savage. He coined the term, and he uses monogamish to 250 00:19:57.839 --> 00:20:03.200 describe his own relationshi and ship with his long term partner where they're both in 251 00:20:03.240 --> 00:20:06.759 this long time committed relationship I think like almost thirty years or something, but 252 00:20:06.839 --> 00:20:11.759 they have the occasional intimate encounter with other people. Now, I want to 253 00:20:11.799 --> 00:20:18.440 say something, Dan Savage is gay. He clearly states though that before he 254 00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:22.079 was out, he had many heterosexual relationships. He clearly states that he believes 255 00:20:22.079 --> 00:20:25.599 he understands women. But I just want to say I have my own bias 256 00:20:25.680 --> 00:20:30.319 here and my own biases that I am a heterosexual woman, and so Dan 257 00:20:30.400 --> 00:20:34.200 Savage has never worn a woman's brain. Okay, we have evolved to have 258 00:20:34.319 --> 00:20:42.119 sexual jealousy. Now, there are some people who can suppress their sexual jealousy. 259 00:20:42.200 --> 00:20:45.359 They tend to be people who may have an avoidant attachment style. They 260 00:20:45.359 --> 00:20:48.400 don't really want a lot of closeness and intimacy, and that's why they water 261 00:20:48.440 --> 00:20:53.960 down the milk. With multiple partners and multiple relationships, men are able to 262 00:20:53.960 --> 00:20:59.519 suppress sexual jealousy, not so much thinking about their wife with another man, 263 00:20:59.599 --> 00:21:04.000 but they're able to separate sex from feelings easier than women are. But there 264 00:21:04.039 --> 00:21:08.920 are some suggested about four percent of women have high testosterone and they're going to 265 00:21:08.920 --> 00:21:12.400 have sex like a band, meaning they can separate it out. I'll tell 266 00:21:12.440 --> 00:21:17.640 you though, there are some people that should never ever ever try a monogamish 267 00:21:17.759 --> 00:21:21.519 or open relationship. This is my opinion, and those would be people who 268 00:21:21.599 --> 00:21:25.319 have an anxious attachment style that used to be me. That means they have 269 00:21:25.359 --> 00:21:29.960 heightened levels of sexual jealousy and they're worried about abandonment and their partner's going to 270 00:21:30.079 --> 00:21:32.559 leave them. So that's no, that's not going to work for them. 271 00:21:33.200 --> 00:21:38.079 Also, people who are in a relationship where the power dynamic is unbalanced. 272 00:21:38.559 --> 00:21:44.200 Even though you can say, well, we're too consenting adults and we decided 273 00:21:44.279 --> 00:21:48.720 together to open up our relationship and we're going to be monogamish. Yeah, 274 00:21:48.799 --> 00:21:53.400 if one person is entirely financially dependent on the other, can you really give 275 00:21:53.400 --> 00:21:59.000 consent? Right? Can you really be an adult and give consent if you 276 00:21:59.279 --> 00:22:03.279 need the support and the money and your kids fed. Just saying, or 277 00:22:03.319 --> 00:22:07.200 what if there's a big age gap? You know, the power in a 278 00:22:07.319 --> 00:22:11.119 May December relationship always lies with the older person, no matter what their gender 279 00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:15.319 is. Do you know why? Because they have more life experience, they 280 00:22:15.319 --> 00:22:19.359 have more knowledge. They can easily manipulate the other. It's quite a thing 281 00:22:19.759 --> 00:22:25.319 to have a relationship where there's, you know, decades of age between the 282 00:22:25.359 --> 00:22:30.559 two of you. The other thing you should know is that monogamish is not 283 00:22:30.720 --> 00:22:37.519 a one size fits all. It involves lots and lots of talking about rules, 284 00:22:37.680 --> 00:22:42.279 boundaries, circumstances and renegotiating it all the time. I know somebody who 285 00:22:42.480 --> 00:22:48.119 has a monogamish marriage and they have a rule that is, if you step 286 00:22:48.160 --> 00:22:52.240 out of the relationship to have an intimate accounter with somebody else, it can't 287 00:22:52.240 --> 00:22:56.599 be anybody we socialize with, right You don't want to have to sit at 288 00:22:56.599 --> 00:23:00.359 the dinner table later with that person. That's one rule. It's a good 289 00:23:00.400 --> 00:23:02.759 one, am I kind of like that one. And the other rule they 290 00:23:02.759 --> 00:23:07.119 erected is only one time on that merrig around. Okay, so one time 291 00:23:07.200 --> 00:23:11.960 if you're going to have a new partner outside one time. This sure doesn't 292 00:23:11.000 --> 00:23:15.319 work for women because women never have good sex the first time. If you're 293 00:23:15.319 --> 00:23:19.519 a woman who has first great sex with somebody the first time you meet them 294 00:23:19.599 --> 00:23:22.359 or the first time you have sex, you need to DM me because I 295 00:23:22.359 --> 00:23:26.000 can't believe this is true. It's usually like the third time before things really 296 00:23:26.039 --> 00:23:30.200 get going with women and they can calm down and have an orgasm, etc. 297 00:23:30.319 --> 00:23:34.720 The other thing is you have to constantly renegotiate your preferences, your needs, 298 00:23:34.720 --> 00:23:38.440 your boundaries. You have to constantly mutually agree. You know, you 299 00:23:38.519 --> 00:23:42.279 might have rules around well, how long can you flirt? What is the 300 00:23:42.359 --> 00:23:47.400 chatting going on? It's a lot of detail, right, And you also 301 00:23:47.519 --> 00:23:52.039 have to be able to withdraw your consent at anytime. You have to be 302 00:23:52.079 --> 00:23:53.799 able to say I'm not doing this anymore, and the other person has to 303 00:23:53.880 --> 00:23:59.559 say okay, right. See there's the problem. Once you taste that something 304 00:23:59.599 --> 00:24:02.640 new, you know, you're like, oh, maybe I want to have 305 00:24:02.680 --> 00:24:06.359 that for dinner a lot, right, But both partners have to have the 306 00:24:06.440 --> 00:24:11.519 right to curtail the arrangement at any time. Now, there is some small 307 00:24:11.599 --> 00:24:17.359 research that says that some PSALM. Monogamish couples report greater emotional intimacy between each 308 00:24:17.359 --> 00:24:22.240 other because they're always talking about the tender subjects. They're always negotiating, reaffirming 309 00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:29.279 their boundaries. And also it can for some people if they can tolerate, 310 00:24:29.559 --> 00:24:33.000 enable some personal growth and help them get to know each other. But I 311 00:24:33.079 --> 00:24:37.960 just want to warn you you're playing with fire. Honestly, beware of the 312 00:24:37.039 --> 00:24:42.759 dangers of playing with fire, and ask yourself, are you doing monogamish because 313 00:24:42.799 --> 00:24:47.160 you're actually testing the waters out there and to think of leaving your relationship, 314 00:24:47.319 --> 00:24:49.680 that's a real question. Hey, on the opposite end, are you thinking 315 00:24:49.680 --> 00:24:53.200 of going public with your new relationship? Is it time to do a hard 316 00:24:53.319 --> 00:24:57.839 launch. I'll explain maybe it is, maybe it isn't. There's some questions 317 00:24:57.839 --> 00:25:00.720 you need to ask yourself. When we come back. You are listening to 318 00:25:00.759 --> 00:25:04.400 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf I AM six forty. We're live everywhere 319 00:25:04.640 --> 00:25:11.240 on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 320 00:25:11.440 --> 00:25:15.920 AM sixty kf AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 321 00:25:15.000 --> 00:25:21.359 This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I remember one time I had a 322 00:25:21.440 --> 00:25:25.319 date with a man years ago and he decided to tell me this story. 323 00:25:25.599 --> 00:25:29.799 Now, it was a first date, and so it was kind of interesting 324 00:25:29.799 --> 00:25:33.039 that he would choose to tell me this story. He told me that he 325 00:25:33.119 --> 00:25:38.960 had dated a woman for about two months. They had been having sex, 326 00:25:40.400 --> 00:25:45.720 but they had not had the conversation, the what are we conversation? Where 327 00:25:45.880 --> 00:25:52.480 is this going? And then one day he was shocked to see a picture 328 00:25:52.759 --> 00:25:56.880 of the two of them on Facebook, with her announcing to the world that 329 00:25:57.000 --> 00:26:00.880 she's dating him. Well, he told me that he broke up with her 330 00:26:00.920 --> 00:26:07.359 immediately, that he was so angered by this. This was a fragile relationship 331 00:26:07.920 --> 00:26:12.200 that she took public too early. Not surprising. He made a point of 332 00:26:12.240 --> 00:26:15.720 telling me that story on our first date as a warning, like doing you 333 00:26:15.759 --> 00:26:19.200 better not try that, right. I think people are always afraid because I 334 00:26:19.240 --> 00:26:22.960 have all the social media that I could have put my whole life out there, 335 00:26:22.960 --> 00:26:26.599 But if you really look at how curated my social media is, it's 336 00:26:26.680 --> 00:26:33.759 not that personal. So it made me start to think, when is the 337 00:26:33.880 --> 00:26:40.480 right time to completely go public. You might call it becoming Instagram official or 338 00:26:40.640 --> 00:26:45.799 hard launching your relationship how do you know when it's the right time, when 339 00:26:45.799 --> 00:26:52.880 to have that explicit, clear announcement that you are in a relationship. First 340 00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:56.440 of all, let's talk about why this matters. There are a lot of 341 00:26:56.440 --> 00:27:02.559 people who dip their toe into love. They get into these situation ships, 342 00:27:03.279 --> 00:27:07.759 or they have slow love where they take their time seeing other people and getting 343 00:27:07.759 --> 00:27:12.960 to know somebody, or they're in a cocooning phase. They've met each other 344 00:27:14.000 --> 00:27:18.160 and now they're deep in the cocoon and they haven't really brought the relationship out 345 00:27:18.759 --> 00:27:22.759 two people because they've been alone, busy falling in love. You know, 346 00:27:22.799 --> 00:27:26.319 my boyfriend Julio and I met near the beginning of the pandemic, and we 347 00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:32.079 had the gift of time, as we all did during quarantine, and so 348 00:27:32.119 --> 00:27:36.599 we got to spend unlimited amounts of time with each other. And there's no 349 00:27:36.680 --> 00:27:40.440 rush to go public because who were we going out with. Everybody was under 350 00:27:40.519 --> 00:27:45.240 quarantine, right, So we waited a year till our first anniversary before I 351 00:27:45.279 --> 00:27:48.519 posted a picture of the two of us on my Instagram and we had the 352 00:27:48.559 --> 00:27:52.720 conversation about it. So I do want to say though, that all the 353 00:27:52.799 --> 00:27:57.400 relationships eventually have to go somewhere they're either going to turn into something more solid 354 00:27:57.480 --> 00:28:00.599 or they're going to fall apart. But they're moving, they're happening, They're 355 00:28:00.599 --> 00:28:06.759 gonna go somewhere. So I put together this little list of questions to ask 356 00:28:06.799 --> 00:28:12.599 yourself if your relationship is ready for a hard launch. So the first question 357 00:28:12.839 --> 00:28:18.039 is about time and duration. If you're young, I want to say this, 358 00:28:18.640 --> 00:28:22.240 have you been dating at least six months? Okay, it shouldn't be 359 00:28:22.279 --> 00:28:26.400 all over your social media. If it's less than six months, the relationship 360 00:28:26.519 --> 00:28:30.240 is just too fragile because when you do that hard launch, now the world 361 00:28:30.519 --> 00:28:36.200 is weighing in. You're gonna have their exes seeing it. They're going to 362 00:28:36.319 --> 00:28:40.160 have other friends that may have feelings of envy. You're gonna have mate poachers 363 00:28:40.160 --> 00:28:41.920 come along and try to steal your mate. Oh, it's a big deal 364 00:28:42.240 --> 00:28:47.720 when you do a hard launch. So, as I mentioned, Hulu and 365 00:28:47.880 --> 00:28:52.240 I waited for a year because we're older and time goes by faster. Honestly, 366 00:28:52.480 --> 00:28:56.039 like we blinked, any year went by. Plus, don't you find 367 00:28:56.079 --> 00:28:59.000 like in the pandemic we lost like three years of our life. It's kind 368 00:28:59.039 --> 00:29:03.519 of like rip van Winkletown. I can't remember what season or what year of 369 00:29:03.640 --> 00:29:11.559 anything between January of twenty twenty until January of twenty twenty twenty twenty three. 370 00:29:11.920 --> 00:29:15.160 I think it's just a blur to me. So make sure you're dating at 371 00:29:15.240 --> 00:29:22.359 least six months. But just as important, have you had the what are 372 00:29:22.440 --> 00:29:29.799 we conversation? And are both of you confident in your relationship or is one 373 00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:33.519 of you hoping for more? Right? Also, don't do a hard launch 374 00:29:33.599 --> 00:29:38.440 until you've done a soft launch. Have you already done that soft launch with 375 00:29:38.480 --> 00:29:45.599 your intimate friends. Nothing worse than having a close friend of yours or a 376 00:29:45.640 --> 00:29:49.640 family member see it first on social media. That's terrible. You got to 377 00:29:49.640 --> 00:29:55.279 get out in the world and socialize with your inner circle first. Another question 378 00:29:55.319 --> 00:30:00.480 to ask yourself. Are you comfortable with social media in general? Discuss the 379 00:30:00.519 --> 00:30:03.880 boundaries for each of you. I know a couple, a young couple, 380 00:30:03.920 --> 00:30:06.799 and she loves the social media. He does not. He's against it. 381 00:30:06.920 --> 00:30:11.119 They've come to a compromise. He doesn't mind taking pictures of her for her 382 00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:15.920 Instagram. He is fine with the odd couple picture around an anniversary or something, 383 00:30:15.920 --> 00:30:18.200 but he doesn't want to be all over her Instagram and he's not posting 384 00:30:18.240 --> 00:30:22.000 her and he told her, It's not that I'm trying to do something sneaky. 385 00:30:22.079 --> 00:30:27.279 I just don't like social media and that's to be respected. Look, 386 00:30:27.920 --> 00:30:33.119 are you doing it because it's exciting and fun and you can't wait? Or 387 00:30:33.200 --> 00:30:38.400 are you doing it not to announce the security of your bond but to validate 388 00:30:38.720 --> 00:30:44.599 a fragile bond? Are you having feelings of abandonment? Are you wondering if 389 00:30:44.640 --> 00:30:47.559 it's real? You think if you push it and push it and make it 390 00:30:47.599 --> 00:30:52.359 public that somehow it'll stick. No, it'll explode, It'll spiral down, 391 00:30:53.519 --> 00:30:57.359 and there are other people to think of. Will your ex be protected? 392 00:30:57.759 --> 00:31:02.400 Has enough time gone by that it will be okay? Is your X in 393 00:31:02.440 --> 00:31:06.200 another relationship? Is theyre X in another relationship? Are you doing it because 394 00:31:06.200 --> 00:31:08.200 you're trying to hurt your X? These are important questions to think about. 395 00:31:08.759 --> 00:31:12.480 Right, have you blocked your X? I believe in that. Don't hang 396 00:31:12.519 --> 00:31:15.920 your life out in front of the X. And here's the biggest thing. 397 00:31:17.440 --> 00:31:22.119 Are you prepared to deal with an online breakup as well? Once you do 398 00:31:22.200 --> 00:31:26.839 that hard launch, once you go public, it's not like happily ever after. 399 00:31:26.440 --> 00:31:30.799 Now your relationship is out there, and now things can happen. It 400 00:31:30.839 --> 00:31:34.079 doesn't mean that you have to talk about every detail of your relationship, but 401 00:31:34.119 --> 00:31:38.720 when you do finally break up, you also have to do a hard announcement 402 00:31:38.759 --> 00:31:42.279 about that. Right now, if you're not into social media, I do 403 00:31:42.279 --> 00:31:47.240 want to say that you can send a group text to friends that includes, 404 00:31:47.359 --> 00:31:51.400 you know, photograph of your partner. You can call friends and family. 405 00:31:51.440 --> 00:31:53.359 You can get together with friends and family. You can introduce them, you 406 00:31:53.440 --> 00:31:56.160 can you should be taking your partner to meet your family. You should be 407 00:31:56.200 --> 00:32:00.839 meeting their family is before you go into the wild wide world of social media. 408 00:32:01.000 --> 00:32:04.599 Or maybe you just plan a little gathering where you get everybody together, 409 00:32:04.720 --> 00:32:07.720 have a nice dinner together. There are ways to do it without social media. 410 00:32:07.920 --> 00:32:09.799 Speaking of social media, when we come back, I am going to 411 00:32:09.920 --> 00:32:13.640 my social media. If you'd like to send me a question, just DM 412 00:32:13.720 --> 00:32:19.000 me at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. I will not announce your 413 00:32:19.000 --> 00:32:22.039 identity. I will keep it confidential. I know these are tender topics and 414 00:32:22.079 --> 00:32:24.920 you don't know who might be listening, but if you have a relationship question, 415 00:32:24.920 --> 00:32:28.359 feel free to send it in. When we come back, I will 416 00:32:28.400 --> 00:32:31.279 be answering your questions. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf 417 00:32:31.359 --> 00:32:37.000 I Am six forty with Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening 418 00:32:37.039 --> 00:32:40.079 to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on kf I am 419 00:32:40.119 --> 00:32:45.559 six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the 420 00:32:45.599 --> 00:32:45.599 iHeartRadio app.