So Hi, I'm Misty Massey. I play the sundrenched cleric Malibu. I
am the author of the Madchestral series of pirate fantasy adventures. I am also
the author of the upcoming dead Man series from False Staff books. When I'm
not writing, I am editing. I edit for False Staff, for Lord
Seekers, for Mocam memoirs, and I can edit for you too. It
just takes a little cash. Hey, y'all, I'm Teresa Glover and in
the game, I play the Little plans year old Ella, who, if
I'm not mistaken, was taken by Child Protective Services last time, so we'll
find out what happened there. In real life, I do write for Falstaff.
I am the author of the Caitlin Kelly Monster Hunter series, and I
also edit. And I am the one that you generally see beside the illustrious
John smiling at you when you come to any convention where Falstaff is at,
and I am the evil demon who will convince you to buy way more books
than you really intended. Waha. I guess that just leaves me the Admiral
of the Asshole Armada. It is I the one, the only r Car
sometimes known as Rachel but only to people who like me when I am not
trying to herd these cats. I am the author of such series as the
False Icon series. Wait a second, I write that series with somebody else?
Hold on, hold on, who do I write them with? Anyone?
No idea, you ding, I guess. Since since we're kind of
wrapping up the big campaign, let's throw a surprise at everyone. Would you
care to introduce yourself? Surprise? Well, Hi, my name is Rick
Quilt, And well I don't play in this game, so you don't need
to know anything about my character. In real life, I write several series,
including Tomobill, Bill of the Dead, Tales of the Crypto Hunter.
But if you want to see my latest, head on over to Kindle vella
and look up or War, where you can pay me to read each and
every chapter. How awesome is that he also writes the False Icon series,
just just saying with someone named Rachel, right, I don't see Rachel on
the cover. He's cheating on you with another asp How many rightfuls are there?
I see? I see somebody named Recar. Oh yeah, sorry,
total Recar, which is how you can find me on all the social medias.
So when last we left our intrepid adventurers. Everything was not fine.
Nope. In fact, he kind of empire strikes backed. Empire striked backs
it. I guess is how you would say that when the whole island got
flooded by magical beer and one of your party numbers got taken away by child
protective services to avoid this fate, and the goat almost got you, but
the beer washed you away before it did. But we don't talk about the
goat. We talk about being on a beach. And guess what boof in
a cloud of smoke appears none other than a wear badger in a wife beater
of a certain surly very French child. And he also has a note,
let me go you are you hadn't leave me alone, my darling child?
Did he hands you a small ice cream cone? He dug me away?
If I throw a tantrum in French? Can I have an ice cream cone
too? The uh? The wear badger pulls out another ice cream cone and
just hands it to you. Thank you. He looks at you, fiefee
we that is my child, bring sorr. It's unto most things today.
Yeah, yeah, at least you're still have water breathing after soaking in that
much beer. Hey, Malibu, guess right, there's still enough beer aroma
in the air. I don't want us anymore. I'm I am sullenly licking
my ice cream and glaring at the war badger. Are you giving the child
back? Are you going to ice cream? Man? Now? He hands
do things? How many times do I have to say? Geez? Because
I am the smartest person. He takes the note and waved it in front
of him. I'll take the note with the hand that's not holding ice cream.
What does it say? An update, An entire dwarf in Kingdom has
been summoned as evidence in the Fan Dingo trial. Thirteen princesses are reporting half
well. I guess you'd call them Dwelfish children after a rock concert in the
minds of Maria. Oh my, So it looks like the court proceedings will
be lasting slightly longer. The question if there are so many children were exactly
where do they come from? Ice cream? When when a bard and a
dwarf princess love each other very very much, they they share a special hug.
I don't I don't think they love each other at all. Well,
well, then when a bard and a dwarf princess notice each other. They
share a special hug and boom, there's a baby. I don't think the
wear badger gives Honey some ice cream, Oh dear, I am off to
the side. Okay, good, because we know how Honey is with certain
foods. But Honey is now lapping that ice cream down well like a badger.
So so yes, that is the update. But the badger just looks
at you, guys, shrugs, points to the small child and go your
problem. We wanted to be a problem, and then you made her not
and then goes poohed. Ella looks them and goes, that's my ginum.
He were belling, mean and smells bed. He took you to he took
you to an amusement park. That doesn't he was mean and smells bed.
But he was a commoner, exactly exactly. So this so this is how
Ella was when she was an actual child. Zicama I have been through.
I don't know if she was French at the time. Most people grow out
of their French face. I kind of want to be French now since everybody
else is French. It's kind of thing. Well, I'll give you this
Malibu. Suddenly you can't smell beer anymore. There's a very different aroma.
I'm pretty much okay with anything, but you don't have to fail. I
think we are okay, I am. I'm so grateful. Poot, No,
honey, Ella, come over here right now. I certain haze is
dipting from a badger. We could all just go subnailed ourselves into the sea.
Do you look at the note you were given? I don't need things?
Oh well, you did anyone taken give you? Or I did?
I thought there was a note to Ella and there was a note to Gigi.
Okay? Which one was the one that said that there were thirteen dwarf
and princesses? That was the That was the official letter. That was the
one given to the small child. The other one that was given to to
Gigi has not been read yet. I'll take it and read it out loud.
What does it say? Um? Apparently the transport to transportative properties of
badger flagelence can remove the curse of the local alcohol. Ah mail, But
where do we end up? Apparently it's a gamble. Oh God, say
Charon, Aaron, Charonay, Okay, we do not want to get sued.
I mean, for me, I has to say we August and mailed
ourselves into the season. We twy that best. There's also a note,
a truancy notice that says you have to go to school as an eight year
olds into this see um. And if if the if the badger putties take
away the effects of the beer is she doesn't that make her not French and
not a child anymore? We if the note is accurate, ump her into
the shove her into the farts. Oh but oh, do not like a
child and French? More? Yes? I let I let you pick?
Okay, there are many glory things about being a child. And I mean,
if I have to be something, I mean, French isn't so bad?
May we? At least I'm not wear badger? This is the only
true you. You people invented boulangerie and baguetts and and all kinds of things.
Uh, well, z, I don't know if you invented from us,
but you have from us. We have sixteen All right, guys,
what do you do? Apparently we're hungry. It's all talking about food.
But if we if we take a nap for a period of times, it
would count a long rest. Um systemwhere between say six to eight hour else,
um, I will have more spell slots back. I could try and
sending my husband and see if you could come pick us up. Oh,
we could go s marge ourselves in the sea. You have a husband,
yes, Oh, I didn't know. Make a perception check guys. No,
No, I am not married to I. I'd love to marry a
lassie, but you have to be proper. You said you have already had
a me Caesar, I don't know what my accent deed. I don't that's
clearly are I am happily married? So Malibu, since you actually made a
perception roll cloud is getting bigger and trying to find Yes, we need to
move everybody. I click it. But to the could you could you roll
legging if need be? Do you have to make or if it won't work
from your sheet? Can you roll some dice and just roll show us what
she thought? Because I don't have any yesses. Hey, what's your perception
modifier? It's still good enough? You you're noticing the cloud is nothing?
Oh my god, does she see things should be nilt my direction? Ella,
you are surrounded by bad It has exponentially Oh wait, everything is lagging.
It will not work. Yeah, it's seriously not rolling for me at
all. Oh my god, thank you roll twenty. Nothing really enhances the
experience like not rolling nothing. All right, guys, I think it's time
to clear. Let's have some fresh, good, old fashioned you know what
it is, dumplings from us. No, we already had a badger fart.
Everyone. Please, everyone who is in here, click on your token
and roll for initiatives. I will try so hard, just pretend I'm rolling
really well. Ella. Rolls is sick. Apparently it's keeping up on yours.
It is not showing up on mine. All. Malibu rolled a four.
How are you doing over there? Am? I am um inteling zadoc
ages. So I hope to be back to the mountain ages shortly. I
have the beach ball of this spinny deaths of a moment. Oh are you
about to go have an existential conversation with Cruton again? I don't think it's
not bad. I have I have rolled twenty at a separate browser, so
hopefully that well ruined every You can just give me a flat ten. I'm
curious, is what did you roll ten? Yeah? We can just go
with an even ten. I haven't been able to roll anything, but we
can go with a ten to keep things moving. All I can say is
that somehow you guys have managed to roll initiatives of equal to the first three
books in my Rules Undying series, which you can purchase on Amazon. Just
say, we have A four, A six, and a ten. Who
let me go ahead and put y'all in a order? Is the is honey
running in circles around us? Because I don't understand how the boots are getting
behind us? I'm believe me. The properties of badger flatulence DeFi things most
natural? There was silly, Yes, Ella, I can see you're typing.
I'm waiting for my screen to catch up. That's all, okay,
it's okay. We're on Gigi's turn anyway, So Gigi am nailed. Um
yeah, oh, I see initiatives. Some would consider this flatulence move most
unnatural? Am I? That would be? I do me? It would
be Palpatine level boots. Um, well, well, it's it's flatulates with
consciousness, Yes, it is. It is conscious flatulence. This bothers me
if you would kind of forming a you know when a tornado is forming and
you have that cycle of air. Yeah, well, it's a cycle of
tootles. Am I am am my zip FI will cast frost bite at um
directly in front of me. You're gonna freeze the first I would I fire
it. I can't. I don't have any fire spells left. Do you
use your up the building? Yeah? I don't. I don't think I
have any o you fire spells? Alright, start bring it off, Start
with fazing it. So okay, by let me roll to attack. It's
no way it needs to make a constitution saving throw. That's fart. I've
I've never had to calculate a flatulence this constitution before bear whip me. So
let's see how oh that you free the fart? That fart has no backbone?
Yeah? Yeah, you have, you've you bet you you've frozen a
fart and it takes one six damage and disadvantage on its next attack. Roll.
Oh it's a farm. It's already disadvantaged. Okay, it's super disadvantaged.
That okay, six whole damage on that fart. It crystallizes into a
does that make nugget of stop? It doesn't smell. It is frozen it.
It's kind of like that stuff at the bottom of a porta potty,
you know, just blue and frozen. I will erase that. I'm erasing
that knowledge from my brain as we speak. Uh and zine. Are you
done with your turn? Oh? I'm getting the funk out of here?
Okay? Are you going to pass through the fart? Yeah? It did?
Let me move, okay. Would you make a deck save to avoid
funk? I sure will do my best to do that. We got the
funk double, you'll come back to you, okay, a frozen fart and
ran away. Please with my actions. I don't see the end, okay,
I was gonna say, I don't see the end of Ella. Okay,
it's okay. I took care of it for you. Thank you.
Since you're having some delays, Ella, it's your turn. There is a
frozen flatulence or a frozen flattist. It is only one in front of you.
I do not like. And you were surrounded by a cyclone of stank
no agustas thank um? Can I can can? Can I run? What
do you do? Can I run through it? Because I think I can
run all the way over here? Dexterity save por favor. Sure, just
a moment that I do not know what you're muted sweetheart. Yeah, you're
muted. Damn it. I interpreted through your token movement that did run away.
Let's just just say that I was being hellius and it was funny.
And now here we are h dexterity. You had to be there. Definitely.
I cannot delive it actually worked because roll twenty is not my friend.
We cannot see it. So I will go on the honor system and you
tell me what your dexterity save was it, or I can roll it for
you. It is not showing up. It is a secret. I have
clicked my token. Would you like me to roll for you? Sure?
Because this is just not working. Apparently you made it worst first one?
That twenty is that one? Oh that's amazing. Oh my god, mine
is exactly. Holy God, the universe has clearly spoken that something epic is
going to happen. Please describe how you escaped through the flatulence fury well,
since or did you? Since the flatulence, Since the mundogi is a prosing,
I simply punato is valid. I simply called ratty chop my waistrough itch
and now you touched it, is what you're saying. No, I do
not need to because when you flap your arms. These things blow around,
and since they are solid, I can see them in the air and and
made myself a clear ring. Okay, back to you, Malibu, what
do you do? The stench is clear, so you don't have to sing
through yet. I take a deep breath, blow it out and run and
leap over that broken masts and try to get away. So roll it,
dexterity save since everyone else did, yeah, hang out see that. Let's
yeah, let's see that. I want to see. Oh yeah, so
that's interesting or night. Fortunately you all passed through the gas, so I
could say, since you've passed gas, everyone you hear this, deut what
could that sound possibly mean? Nothing good ever follows that sound? But I
was holding my breath. Do you think? Do you really think that your
breath gives a flying You know? What about badger flatulence? Oh? The
whole world shimmers? Wait? Are we the shack? Well? You hear
music music, But as the waves of gas pass over you, all previous
status effects caused by the booze have been lifted. Okay, oh thank god
you no longer feel the urge to sing. You are no longer eight years
old or French. Thank god, I was running out of French words,
I knew. Oh now I am alone again. You have lost your French
daughter. Friends, think up so quickly. It's this damn amount of stench,
though. And you see someone running desperately holding a book and a bunch
of balloons. But I didn't have balloon assets, so use your imagination.
There there is a little half elf man running forward, going, oh,
he's blonde too. We're learning about somebody, yes, but but yeah,
he reminds you vaguely of somebody not another fen Dingo offspring. He's running looking
very hairy. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god,
oh my god. Zealots have invaded are city fair? Well, I'm gonna
do that's verily said for you. What zealots they said? My mom said
that the Zella that's we're coming. Let's we're coming. They're crazy. They're
gonna burnt the town. We've heard the legends of them. They destroy everything
in their wake. And there's a guy with a scar on his face.
He points up ahead and he's screaming about something and I don't know what,
and he's obviously crazy that there's all these other things, and I've heard it's
gonna be bad. Did I mention my mom is a seer. That might
be part of it. We can't go anywhere without a disaster going to happen,
okay, can I? Oh you've got where did you get? Ice
cream? Ella kind of looks at shrugs and kind of oh, ice cream
headache, our noble adventurers sent to save our little city fate. Sure,
yeah, absolutely, I beginning to think I was cursed since I never knew
who my dad was after that concert series. Now we didn't have time to
unpack on of that child. I'm pretty sure there's a I'm pretty sure there's
lawsuits about that, but I'm not interested in them. I don't even know
anything about it, and I am already over it. So who also can
smell like fried food and booze and hear the sounds of laughter but also kind
of terror. You're not quite sure what what do you do? And I've
got a few fist I got a few fist spells ready to go. Let's
go terrified? Laughter or you don't know what you said? Where? Sell?
These pointed north? According to the map? All right, she is
gone zombie just shambles after You're like, uh yea scy Ella, follows more
out of habit, because she really hasn't gotten over the whole being an eight
year old child thing yet forever, malou make a perception check at advantage because
something in your deep spider senses are tingling. Okay, I even like spiders.
What have we got? Yeah? I had eighteen? Oh yeah?
You you feel you're an advantage? You got? You got a twenty one?
Okay, that's right. You feel in your soul something, something you've
been waiting for your entire life, looms ahead. Special mystery guest, would
you care to click on your token and add yourself to initiative? Well,
there's no initiative on the screen, but I will gladly add myself. That's
fine. If you don't have it, you can tell me what you've rolled
and I will add you manually. Nine. There we go. Okay,
let me put you in order. All right, we're back at the top
of order, or I'll give malibu. Do you say anything as your bonus
action before your turn? Insh Do I see him? You feel a disturbance
in all the forces wait, mass, velocity, gravitational, everything all at
once. Something about this place? I feel something. There's wrongness here there's
naughty behavior happening. I've got to find it. It's straight ahead. There
is naughty behavior right up there Isn't that what the child told us, though
he still be a lot of things. Wait wait, no, it couldn't
be He said zealots And there's only one zealot. I know that? Is
this wrong? Not that I actually know him, but that I've never heard
of one zealot that I've been hunting for. Could it be that? And
I yell, silas came how was that? Well? I have no idea
who this man is. All is working out, so that is not my
painting, so you know, wa painting? Oh but this perfection? Um.
And there's a beer tent next to you. No, no, thank
you, no if I want you to piss water, there's potty badger um,
and a wine stand next to the beer hut. That's a little better.
Am. I will ask Huton to walk in front of me if he
will, um for I am. He obediently shambles in front of you,
delicate lady Mercy um, And I am just going to kind of peel around
Kuton and look around and try and figure out what is actually happening. For
once before I immediately fiable. Are you all right? We yeah, okay,
talk about bizarro world perception. Then I feel like I noticed something.
I think I think I noticed Gigi's growth. It's because worried there is a
wine booth here, Therefore it desilves a second first look even roll me perception,
poor fel. There's a wine booth. Yeah, it's it's a three.
Where is the wine booth? Which the wine booth is the golden booth
right here? Um, there's also a very large ivory talon the taste of
testero spanner over on the purple, and there's face painting in front of you.
That's pretty much all you notice, because wine is like, right here,
come with me, and I'm going gruton obediently shambles without so much as
a word. Well he has lost his be a magic And what kind of
wine does it have? Um? Why? Red? Infernal? Yeah?
Acceptable, it's kind of black. I will pan there on my choices and
stay at judgmentally at zip booth. So that tone. That's it, Okay,
I will end every If you mix them together, are they rose noir?
Yes? If you mix them together you will get rose noir. I've
lost them very special guest who is currently sitting at the dunking booth with a
child and a cat in front of you. Right now, what do you
do? Well? Do I notice anybody entering the fair? You can make
a perception check, although I will give you advantage since someone screamed, oh
my god, it's Silas Kane twelve. Yes, you notice people have entered
this city, the city fate. There's also a young child with very horrible
aim who keeps throwing balls at the dunk tank and missing you and the little
target. Gather around, gather around, ye faithful, and ye not.
Won't you drop a coin here so you can help us bill the non denominational
orphanage in the name of the Mighty go Rat. That sounds swell, mister,
But I just want to see a weird scarred man follow in a book
at of water. The guy says this, he throws again. You can
do it, my son. Believe in yourself. He believes in himself and
throws with a sixteen and pleinth and dunks you in a bucket of water,
splashing the kittie, who goes and moved back a few feet. Thank you,
my son for me. The water wash away, wash away all of
our sins, for our sins are many, Your sins are many. Are
you gonna prossel prossel path preach a bunch again? Sir? Of course,
not for go. Rat only enters the hearts of those who ask. But
if you do not wish it, then that is fine. Oh man,
last time we got invaded by infernals. This sucks. I'm gonna go with
the faith painting. Have you considered being less judgmental? My child? He's
already walking off. You have been ducked in a bucket of water. What
do you do? Have a blessed day? My son? What a weird
I'll climb back up and start again, because that orphanage needs to be built
and we have not raised nearly enough money. Yes, the cat moves back
to its spot and wait for the next person to come. Alrighty then,
Ella, the not French eight years old and not eight years old? What
do you do? You are at a bare grounds effectively, I guess sponsored
by Ivory talent. Actually notice anything, because you know that generally sets the
mood. Seeing things is hard, all right? Roll your perception when there's
so much that's just beneath my notice. I mean there's only so much I
could do. That's fair. I clicked it. It's not working again.
Oh give it a second. There we go. Did I mention there's a
wine bar and a dober boot sponsored by Ivory Talon, and there's face painting,
Like I said, not much worthy of my notice, entertainment c literally,
I mean the wine doesn't even look that good from here. So I'm
just gonna walk further in. And there's a kid muttering about lay mass paladins.
Honey, all of them are lay mass paladins. Hey, there is
no paladin that's not a lay mass. Some have shiny ass We did see
that's one the buds or whatever is it tads in two Gie, that was
Bud the light. I don't remember that one. It must have been beneath
my notice he was flirting with. Yeah, and any palatin that looks like
Rena Janpage is okay with me. I don't think any eight year old is
going to notice any paladin shiny as unless you could see your reflection in it
and like you know, make faces. Yeah. So since I don't notice
anything out special, I'm just going to end my turn. There. We've
we've been waiting for this turn, Yes, malabou, Yes, take center
stage, babies your time. Yes, there's a dunking booth. There is
waiting for this. I carene across the across the grounds. Um that remember,
if you make double movement, you are not a rogue, so you
will only have a bonus action, which would probably be speaking and or panting
when you get there. That's okay, okay, rude gesticulation maybe for I
will allow gesticulation as a bonus action. So how many? How many can
I go? If I'm careening? Sixty? Was it swelve? Or six?
Twelve? Okay? It's double? Well right, sixten? It's yea
double whatever your normal movement is. Now there's a cat next to a stack
of balls with a little basket for holding coins. There is also a paladin
in the dunk sitting now back up above the dunk tank. I'm not going
to make your older. What do you two do? Now that you have
face to face, you can at least speak, I say, greeting my
child. Have you come to test your luck? I haven't helped us build
a non denominational orphanage. No, um, But now I'm confused. You
are Silas Kane. Yes, yes, you are a bad, bad person.
You've you destroyed my my entire enclive where where I lived and grew up
with with all the other worshippers of my goddess Um sharon A. And you
ended up you ended up killing my host mother. You drove her so crazy
with all your preaching that she threw herself out of the bell tower. I
have been hunting you for as long as I can remember, to get justice
against you. And why are you building an orphanage? You're very confusing to
me. I'm I'm confused. I do not recall destroying anything for when I
since since being a young lad, I devoted myself to to pray, to
the to prayer and spreading the word of go Rat, And as such I
took a vow of non violence. But if you feel the need to right
or wrong, please do so. I will not resist. The cat's looking
very insistently at the pilot points to a scar. As you can see,
I am well versed with turning the other cheek. I am very confused and
a little frightened, But I'm going to throw things at you anyway on your
neck turn Okay, I'm gonna I'm I'm gonna stand there being very befuddled and
puzzled and confused, and and I don't understand what's happening. And this isn't
right, This isn't right. He's supposed to be snarky and bad and I'm
supposed to I'm supposed to be justified and being angry with him. But he
wants to build an orphanage and that's cool, and so I don't understand a
nondenomination nondenominational orphanage. I'm very confused. For all the gods show love Jesus
that there's a bit of a commotion over by the dunk tank. Gim.
I would like one of all of the wine, okay, one of each
next together or separately together, and just a single cup. I don't have
sweetheands I technically have a prehensile tail, but I don't really want to do
that because it's a little bit bush. Yeah tail wine not a thing.
Okay, one avalanche of infernal marm la la. They hand you a steaming,
bubbling, sparkling, frothy wine cup of rose white, red, sparkling
and infernal, and I will give that to Coutan. He just dutifully holds
it. This is very weird. Um, I will figure out how to
make my own cessy beer. M If he drinks it, will it come
out of all the rotten places on him? Because he's a zombie right,
yes, he he's a zombie am and so there's probably open spaces. Will
he will no longer be Kruton, He will be Mushi. He kind of
shambles and slashes a little bit of your wine, but he does follow you
burn quietly and obediently. They have a joint Luton. It pours it down
its mouth and it flows out of several holes. You know, for dying
from a fire, you are certainly um. Well, he was blown up
and shot before he got burned, remembers nothing else to tapped? Ye?
Yeah, okay, but totally. I am going to seat back and enjoy
whatever has happened in Kia because I don't know what he's happening, but something.
There is a small black kittie guarding a pile of balls and a basket
of coins. There is a scarred man sitting on a dunk tank, and
a very confused Malibu. Yeah that's what I'm watching. This is it?
Okay? And one day off the show, I am say go Malibu.
Do whatever it is, you're doing it well, yes, Silas Cane clearly,
but I'm cheering you anyway. Might I say you have a lovely accent
for go rat celebrates diversity. Yes, thank you. I know my accent
is lovely, but thank you for saying it out loud. It's like to
hear drop a coin so that we can we can build an orphanage and take
care of those who can't take care of themselves. M Maybe, in a
little bit, I want to see what is happening here, Silas will hold
his hands out to make himself a bigger target. Okay, Nanna should have
gone to a popcorn booth. There is a popcorn booth next Bring me some
popcorn when you come back, so you don't get popcorn. Just to clarify,
the popcorn is the red tent down here next to the Ivory Tllon sponsored
booth. Got it, and I'll send crouton to get some. All right,
anything else you'd like to do, perfectly innocuous, Silas came, be
sure to imbibe wisely, my friends. He is he's undead, so he's
liville. Cannot process anything anyways because he doesn't work. He doesn't have a
leave because he's not alive. A leave go go, Rat teaches us not
to judge. That's great, I'm really happy for you. Oh that's that
happened. Anything else you want to do? Sit here piously? Ella.
Um, I'm assuming the commotion was loud enough to hear. Oh yes,
And and Cruton is shambling next to you to go get popcorn. Okay.
Well, you know, I'm not too super concerned about so I think,
yeah, out of curiosity, I'll wander a little closer to see what Malibu
is freaking out about, because all I can see is her having a breakdown,
Um, which is interesting to me. And I'm going to just hang
back and observe and try to figure out what the hell's going on. There
is a pious, gentle natured paladin at a dunking booth trying to raise money
for an orphanage a non denomination, sorry, a non denomination little orphanage.
How dare we exudate that it might be some sort of indoctrination factory or anything.
And and you know, having seen Malibu so distressed, I'm trying to
figure out why she's vapor locked. Here are you asked Mallie, it's your
turn. Okay. Um, are you asking her why she's vapor locked?
Oh? Of course not. I am going to stand back. In a
third and point you can see dart throwing and axe throwing booth. No,
no, no, I will. I'm paying my coin and how many how
many tries do I get for one coin? If you pay a silver piece,
you get three balls. I drop a silver piece, and don't say
that the cat. The cat motions too behind a line in the dirt.
Fine, I moved back. So I moved back, and I'm going to
pray that you find peace in your suffering. I do I have to hit
him? Or do I? There's a little target want to hit? There
is a little target game next to him. Oh the game works to dunk
him. You have to hit the little target, the little target. Okay,
but if I hit him? Oopsie, just saying all right, what
are you aiming for? Sometimes violence is the first step dealing. This has
got to be the guy. Um, I'm I'm aiming for. I'm aiming
for his midsection, So okay that that would be a Um. Do you
have athletics? I believe I do? You need to break a ten?
Okay? Here we got ready. I and she a ball at your midsection,
and as I throw it, I say, that is for my host
mother. You have two more balls left, Okay, I will. I
will pray for her jeans. Take it out on me some more. If
you will, I'll throw again. Um, what are you aiming for?
Basically the same area because it's the biggest part of him and easiest to hit.
So yeah, it's a ten. And I hit him, and I
said, that is for all of my my brethren who ran away and left
the order because of the fear you struck in their hearts and then and they
were afraid of this. I will pray that they find guidance that one,
because I'm I will pray for better aim for your next stop it. The
cat is just looking at you very non plus. It's all right, kitty
cat, I'm non plus two. So um, so is that everything for
me? That is your turn? You can you can say one more phrase
if you want. I'll I'm just um, I'm still sort of vapor locked.
I mean, I did get to throw the balls, but I'm still
I still don't understand. So I'm just kind of freaked out. And so
I'll probably buy more balls. Shut up. You have witnessed this entire altercation,
I still understand. I will go over it, drop a silver cooided
and say, I think you're all working tooth something right now, and U
as a fend, I am here to support and laugh at you. Um,
good luck, pat pat um. Okay, I'm stepping away again.
The homeless orphanage, the homeless orphans thing. I don't want you like you
want your balls. Woman. Don't I bought balls fair hair transaction expectantly,
not flowing things? Do I look like I pick up things? Have you
seen my strikes? Scoff? You don't read things and you don't pick up
things. I have a very specialized set of skills being things, pleasing things,
and reanimating dead things. That's it, specialized skills set. I went
to school fair log to learn. That's that's all I got. Okay,
I was silent. She has more balls and she's not afraid to use them.
Please use as many as you will. Poor little legless Timmy needs a
bed. Is this a kink thing? I just thought. I just thought
it sounds like what it does. No, no, and you aren't adults.
What you do in the public space is your business. I suppose the
cat's now looking between you both. I do not understand. That's okay,
that's that's fine if you're the guy that she's been talking about. Isn't sin
kind of like your thing? Sin should be nobody's thing. We we we
seek to make ourselves better with every passage, like if nobody I'm not perfect,
but but but I try. I have found comfort in the in the
words of the Great Book of go Rat. Oh grat isn't that's not what
a great god who is, who is completely in utterly non copyright free.
That's that's it's he's it's not the right god name and and he's he's being
he's doing nice things for other people. M And the case it's not the
right god for you, choose another, because all religions are welcome. She
has chosen a god. I think I believe that that was a seeing that
temple that got drowned? Was I think you're seeing? Um? Sorry about
that. By the way, I don't remember if I said that, Oh,
thank you. Perhaps I can come back with you to your temple and
help you rebuild it once we're doing. He has a good twin. Did
you did not know what um Malibu sinks to the round. She's just she
has her legs have turned to jello, and she let us pray together.
My child, what are you going to stay on the dunking booth? Or
are you getting to pray those orphans like you? Little little little armless Sally
needs a bed too. I don't know what to do? Okay, Ella
turned Just Malib is crying. Ella Malibu is now crying, and she has
three balls in her hand. The patire of life is shot. And this
was the guy that you were afraid of, Like this guy who wants to
build a non denominational orphanage, who is telling us that multiple gods are okay
and is not interested in the sins of others. This is the guy you've
been chasing. Are you high? Maybe this is not how he was how
he behaved at at at our temple, This was not what I was told
he was like. And and I'm I'm I don't know what to do.
I'm very confused, and my whole world has turned upside down. Perhaps you
heard wrong, although hopefully not, because lying is a sin. My head
is gonna explode in a minute. So okay, So she falls over backwards,
I'm laying flat on the ground now, I don't know what to do.
So cat, has this cat always been like this? Or was he
like ever the complete opposite of this yow right animals? Manager? Can I
speak to your manager? The cat bristles a bit like, wow, I
have comprehend somebody that speaks my language, that's all. There's nothing this is
beneath me. But I'm just trying to help out my friend, who is
obviously distressed. Did you want to speak to the manager? Don't you want
to enjoy these fun games where you can harmlessly dunk this gentle paladin? Yeah?
See, that's the thing that doesn't seem like the guy that we're Fromoking
from the ground, you hear of wimpy little voice saying okay. So what
I need to know is if this guy has always been like this or if
he was ever the complete opposite. Because some annoying, little exhausting child at
the front gate oldest that the town was cursed and there were zealots, and
this does not seem like a zealot to me. Oh oh no, no,
this is called closure. If you want to fight zelots, I thought
it might be a good thing to help you out. Oh, I probably
shouldn't have said that. Okay, what does she look a little familiar to
you? Do I notice that she looks familiar? I think that would be
Oh well, I'm gonna make you roll just because at this point it's a
thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna make your roll
perception if the stupid thing. Yeah's building dramatic tension. Do we know it
was working and now it's not again? Oh, come drop a coin because
tongueless Billy needs a roof over his head. You know what the mortality weight
is of these orphans by chance? Like did they have the high sees l
rolls a sixteen um? And what kind of looks like a young Katarina from
the both from the market and from the spaw Dungeon. And that cat looks
suspiciously like future Kitty your Katarina, aren't you? I'm sorry, I'm just
the manager here. Would you like a refund? Or did you want some
more balls um or or you can have some complimentary wine or even an ivory
talent? Yeah no, no, no, see, we just need to
figure out what's going on here, so I can, you know, get
my friend off the ground where she's rolling and filled. But you weren't to
notice me. You've never noticed anything that's fair. Shit happens. What can
I say? It's wrong? It's wrong. Please there are miners present.
Oh sorry, mister Kane. Sorry, it's so wrong. It's wrong.
I'm curled up now in a fetal position, going it's wrong. It's wrong.
Ella. Are you gonna do anything? She's looking like she's trying to
squirrel away. If she does, I'll follow her. But I don't have
any need to harm her or to put more pressure on her. Thing.
Just give her a death glare. Are you going to try to intimidate her?
Um? Not actively yet, because she hasn't done anything that truly annoyed
me. So so you're just devoking resting gear face. Yeah, well,
I mean that's my normal state of affairs. So yes, she's activating the
bitch face. Okay, let's say normal normal state of affairs is resting bitch
face. This one includes an eyebrow raise role intimidation turn. Okay, hold
on, I am frightened. I'm even more frightened. It's actually Misty's frightened.
You're still in kind of eight year old modes, but it gets a
little more petulant than admidating, come a little out of it right now,
we're here to interrupt your regularly schedule breakdown. What do you do? It's
wrong, it's wrong, everything's wrong. Um Coin you spend helps buy a
bowl of rice for little Boris was born without case buds. Oh you do
have three buffles given to you by coin. There there is a blue tiefling
that has appeared, and a cat kind of looks like future kittie. Now
that it's been pointed out, the the goal of my life has been and
upended, and I have to I have to figure out what my life is
about now, So I just i'd always use another hand building the orphanage.
Wait wait, wait, are you saying you you got meeting and purpose from
chasing a random asshole? Yes, wouldn't wouldn't you rather forgive and move on
and just have some harmless catharsis? You know, I take, I take
the ball and I just kind of fling them just you know, I don't
throw, I don't aim, I just fling them. Two three, You
can do it. I did, and I turned and I walked toward the
um face Painting's a pleasure meeting you. I thank you. I don't know
what to do anymore. Okay, figment of my imagination, We're gonna have
to do something drastic because this isn't helping her. She needs therapy. It
looks like there's only one way we're ever gonna make her happy. And I
think you know what it is. But right now it's Gigi Sterns. I'm
getting my face painted. By the way, Gig, your spell slots have
returned, as if you've had a long rest putting that out there. Hi
wow, la la la la. I'm gonna go get the popcorn. Bruton
has returned obediently with popcorn. Gonna go get some have still porn and uh
just gotta hang back and uh watch stuff because this is sus all right?
Are you going? Silence? Kane? What do you do? You have
been given an ultimatum by your creator. I have hold on. I know
how to do this. A booming voice comes from overhead. Silence. This
is Goret. You have a righteous purpose, destroy everything in your path.
But mighty Gorat, I have taken a vow of non violence. Why why
did I let my pacifism boil over into damn it? To say, the
soul of a troubled woman. Could you at least be mildly insulting and go
after her? Can try? That is that you try your best, pray,
go at praise yourself. Tylas will hop off the h whoa the thing
and follow after you know the woman? He will say, miss, miss,
excuse me, I have something important to tell you. Okay, your
your hair could be a little better. I hope you find catharsis in this
vile insult. Sure, I'm I I'd spent so long being angry over what
happened that that I didn't know what to do with you once I found you,
because you are not behaving the way I expected you to behave and what
you're doing is good and I I need to I do need she was right.
I do need to let that go and uh and accept that that you
are doing good works and and poor tongueless billy and wait no it was was
it tongue less billy? And the one that doesn't have boris did not have
boris, didn't have taste buds? I mean, how can a child live
through get through life blind as well? And poor blind Cindy. I mean
you need to you need to see that they're taken care of so, and
I'll reach in my pocket and give you more money. Go and take care
of the children. Bless you, my child. You can accept. People
can change. Are we having a moment um? Maybe as long as I
kept enough to go get my face painted. But sure we're having a moment
yes, So, so you feel like you've moved on and you don't have
to let your all consuming rage destroy everything in your path, like my home
I was was Was I destroy your home? If I was, I did
not mean to. She points to Gigi. Oh h, I can't help
you with I don't know, she but then she points to you. But
I've tried so hard to give you all what you I thought you needed.
Wait, you were and you were responsible for all the badger pooting um time
traveling stuff that we went through. Well, it's not really time travel if
it's in your own mind. No, I guess, she squishes a little
vile. I just thought you needed help. Well, thank you, thank
you for your help. That was very nice of you. I appreciate it.
Blew up my whole town and didn't stop the Cult of the Brew from
destroying everything because the beer kept making us drunk and we couldn't do anything.
I was stuck in a strawberry scented bubble forever. Oh man, silence will
will nudge you sin Yes, I agree. I wait a minute, now,
I'm agreeing with you. Have to grow. If Malibu ever meets the
real Silas Kane, this is going to be a weird situation anyway. No,
but yes, I agree with you, and especially beer. Beer is
especially sinful. Man. I was gonna have a whole horde of monsters invade
and then let you guys fight together comrades and arms if you want. I
really just play in the carnival, and then when you're ready, you can
step through the sparkly portal and hopefully leave my home before anything else gets destroyed.
I just I want to get my face painted and maybe eat some popcorn.
I think that's good. I don't need monsters. Really, I've I'm
grown. I've I've grown, I've I've moved on, and so I'm good.
So you feel like you had a breakthrough. I did. Look how
happy I am? Wow? Would you mind just if I can record that
for my class so my professor can say I finally passed human psychology. I
would I'd be honored. Yeah, whatever, board and class and final means.
But thanks, guys, I mean you're welcome to stay in the in
the simulation, I mean the the the arcane simulation, as long as you
want. I even made it a hobgoblin circus and they'll play kazoos the song
of their people. Oh boy, oh my, yeah, it's like I
planned for it. But she really did get stuck in a custody battle.
Oh it's it's an ugly one, ye, But if you wanted to,
you can have time. I made the best version of Silas I possibly could,
because nobody could really be that bad. No, No, you wouldn't
think, would you. Yeah. I read all the stories of all the
things that happened. There was this legend and it was so silly it couldn't
possibly be true. So this is the actual Silas game that I pulled from
the memories of those around him. Oh okay, with some of my own
interpretation, because it couldn't possibly be true. Oh absolutely not. I feel
so much better now. You have really helped me make a breakthrough. Are
you? Are you recording this for your professor? I am good, good,
good, because you've you've done a wonderful job. Thank you, Thank
you so much, and I kind of cut my eyes in silence that I
now know is not the one. I'm sure this other silence is a swell
fellow. Yeah, hopefully he has built many orphanages, not denominational. Sure,
yeah, that he did. All right, we'll have fun at the
fair. You can say, as long as you want otherwise, portals right
there in the dunk tank tootles, and please don't ever come back to my
island again. Really, I'm going to fix your ship so you can leave.
Thank you you. And with that, she goes, I am getting
my face painted. I deserve it. I deserve it. Would you like
to get your face painted as well? Silas? If we'll make the children
happy, oh yes they'll they'd be happy. In fact, some of the
youth run around you like, oh, thank you, Silas, the goodest
paladin of Goret ever. Except for blind Cindy won't be able to see it.
No, blind Cyndy's off there. She kind of walked into a ditch.
But if it okay, if they put glitter on top of it,
then she can seal it, and with that you will get a happy unicorn
face, both of you. The true sign of forgiveness with this absolutely lovely
version, absolutely one hundred percent accurate Silas came Ah, and I think that's
a perfect almost like a post credit scene for our lovely Malibu. Thank you,
thank you, and you even well, I mean, I'll even let
you dunk him if you want. No, it's all right. That would
mess up his face painting, and I don't want to do that because this
is not yes, yes, so well, I'll let him keep his his
pretty unicorn and and we I will go off into the sparkly portal, the
stinky sparkly portal, back to the real world, where there is a Silas
that I still have to find. Don't, don't, don't. If either
Ella or Gigi require closure, let me know. And there might be more
than one post credit scene to this wonderful Calamity Jane's season. I have been
your hostess with the mostess our car, wanting to thank our lovely players,
Teresa, Misty, Judy and our extra special guest, the completely accurate Rick
Walter Terry as Silas Kane. But even though it is a sort of epilogue,
do we have any thing else to add to this wonderful evening's entertainment?
Um? We have some questions. We have a couple of questions that I
managed to run and find it the last minute because I did not do my
homework. So tow and if our very special guest you can answer questions with
us, John did it? We're making you do it too, super super
Okay, Well I gaved it it too, Yes he did, Yes,
he did. Um, I went over to the discord first. We always
do go to the discord first because those guys throw money at us and we
like that. And um, we don't even have to take our clothes off
for them to throw money at us, so that we really like that.
But um, we make we make Rick take us clothes off for the right
we do. Okay, Um, this is this is part of the discord
that I have not seen yet. I'm not going to go looking so um,
but if you, you know, if you want to be one of
the cool kids and join the discord, all you have to do is go
to Authors and Dragons dot com and find the Patreon link and join the Patreon
and it will give you a entry into the fabulous land of our discord channel.
So um, the questions that I found from the discord are let's see
fluffed that's hard to say anyway, fluffed asked, at least it wasn't moist,
right though, that's true. Asked if you had to make a themed
restaurant, what would the theme be cheese? Oh, my lactose intolerance.
That's a good idea, just cheese, all things cheese. I would build
a D and D pub, But in real life that'll be fun. So
yeah, how about you there? I think I would have a book bar
like you come you read, you can get your liquors paired up with a
book. I think that would be fantastic. And instead of like the bar
our stools, you have the big squishy comfy chairs and little snacks like little
topics that you can eat with your fingers and just enjoy your book in peace.
Yes, yes, yes, my pub is not going to have bar
stools because I can't sit in them without my legs going to sleep. So
my my my bar will have a little short shares comfy chairs. Yeah,
short people problems, I get that mood. Yeah right, So I asked
the token tall person, what would your theme restaurant be? Ninjas like you
know, hourly kung fu battles just break out? Yes, yeah, I
think for mine after seeing how they grew in a lab wooly mammoth meat.
I think I would have a real dinosaur cafe with real dinosaurs, because nothing
makes your meal go quickly like velociraptors coming around from the kids want to I
want to make that my porn name. Hi, I'm Willie Mammoth me Harry
if you know what I mean? With the bear crowd? Do we have
another question? Rust? We do um Zach of all trades so we can
always depend on him? Asked what question would you like to never be asked
again? If you didn't play such and such character? What would you play?
Because I never get to play? Or do? I? Ah?
I think mine is where do your ideas come from? I usually get it
from people that aren't writers and everything, and and I've been asked so much
that I now have made up a mythology that I sprang on him because I
got annoyed with the question. So does it involve a cocaine bear? No,
it involved it is a there's a farmer's market that grows the ideas,
and you have to know how to get there, and you have to pay
in lent or smushed pennies that that you smushed on the railroad track yourself.
That's the only way you can get them. And you have to go at
certain seasons if you want certain ideas, because like m chosen one stories,
you can only get those in the springtime. You cannot get those in the
winter because they just aren't grown yet. So and I'll go on and on
and on until they finally realize that they've gotten up under my skin and they
go away. So I said, I really don't have one that annoys me
that much. I get all kinds of random questions all the time. And
my nephew is sick, so you never know what's coming out of his mouth
when he goes, hey, Tisa, guess what. So I don't know
that I have a good answer for that. How about you, Rick?
They don't really annoy but like, like I have a few questions that annoy
the tech guy in me. Like you know, like like somebody who's like,
you know, are your books on Audible? It's like, I'm well,
did you try searching for them on Audible? I mean I don't say
that, but it's like, you know, sometimes sometimes like it'll be like
you share the e book linked the Amazon and be like, well, what
about the print book. It's like, well, if you click on it,
Amazon shows you all the formats, But I mean, is it on
audio the day your book comes out? You know? You know, I'm
I'm used to the is it on audio? You know something? I think
I will be annoyed when when people stop asking questions. There you good?
How about you? Judy? Um? So I was thinking that where do
your ideas come from? But literally on Saturday I watched a neo gaman is
doing a lecture series at Barred College right now that I watched, and he
talked about that question and kind of changed my perspective on it a bit um
uh and saying that writers come up with smart ass answers for that question because
they don't always want to actually admit the truth of the idea or where they
came from um or the actual trying to explain something. It's too complicated and
personal and weird to ever try to fully grasp. So I was like,
that's fair. So I'd have to say that my least favorite question to get
is this is more of a comment than a question, mum, not a
question. But yeah, those are my least favorite questions to get. And
you get them almost every panel. Almost every panel. Uh, yeah,
that's that's the question or anything that starts in the well. Actually, yeah.
And what's really bad is if you're moderating the panel, they say,
Now, if anybody says, well, this is more of a comment,
you need to shut them all down. But you can't. How do you
do that? Shout them? Daddy shut him down? Right? So yeah,
there were quite a few of those at Dragon Cons. I remember when
when Rick and I were there. You need an obnoxious moderator to just be
like, you shut your over mouth right right. Yeah, And all of
a sudden, Rick is now moderator on panels. No, I like,
I talk big, but I am way too nice. Yeah, the nicest
panel mar ever. Yeah, it did make me feel better that Neil Gaiman
got a well actually this is more of a comment than a question. Pick.
Oh wow great. Watching watching the questions he got, I was like,
wow, I've gotten those same questions. It is rare that a dude
gets them. Let's yeah, that was interesting. It's very It's a I
think there are two more talks he's doing in October. If anybody else wants
to check him out, yeah, please keep us posted. But yeah,
the more of a comment than a question is definitely the worst question. I
get that I'm the most irritated of Can do we have any more questions?
No? I have one that for you guys, but it's more of a
comment than I just wanted to take a moment while I have all of you
captive on camera to say thank you so much for an awesome season of Calamity
Janes, and thank you to our special guest Rick, who not only helped
out with our personal growth and Catharsis, but also did all the it works.
Thank you, Rick, Thank you. We appreciate you. K Yeah,
thank you, But yes, I wanted to say thank you. And
in case people were wondering, it's just, um, it's just a bit
of a hiatus. We're finishing up the season and we wanted to give a
chance to close things out um and since the you know, see if there's
some exciting new campaigns and give different casts a chance to shuffle up and maybe
some of us who never get to play get to play. Um. But
yeah, I wanted to say a big thank you and a huge thank you
to the James who aren't with us tonight, namely Ian Kaplan Um and mainly
Ian Kaplin. We love you, We love you, Melissa, but we
miss him most of all because she usually did our tech stuff and god we
had to bring in Bizarro sold It worked out sort of love, So thank
you very much, ladies, Okay, and thank you. Yeah I didn't
yeah, literally, I didn't do anything except make you guys well perception and
initiative, because all you would do is go to a bar. But I,
like me, I was gonna call Gigi's husband to get an uber home,
but I got slots for now. Be like, yo, babe,
what continues for the cyclone of St. French Child has grown up? Oh
once more, I have been Ari Carr and I've been joined by Rick Well,
Terry, Misty Massey, Judy Black, and Teresa Glover, our wonderful
cast of the Calamity Jane's part of Authors of Dragons. Please make sure to
check us out on Patreon, on our website, on TikTok on wherever Unfined
D and D podcasts are found. Tootles Autorsen. Dragons brought to under Creative
Commons license, meaning you were free to share this material so long as credit
is given to those who created, which is us people you just heard to
play the game opening and closing themes, performed by the gore Core four